Guts and Grog Tooned Up

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Happy Fucking Third Birthday To The Grog

I made this cake for a Halloween party at my old video store. Seemed fitting for the grog's third. 
Three Years! That is fucking insane. I rarely do anything for three years. Stability is not a strong suit for me. When I looked at the calender and saw that the anniversary was here I figured I should do a little retrospective. I mean hell, three is well past the age of consent in Serbia so I guess the grog is all grown up.

B. Chainsawdomy and I looking super haggard along with Ken Foree a couple of months prior to the grog's birth. 

I had only lived in Portland for about six months when I decided to get a place with Chainsawdomy. While the place I lived in at the time was awesome and had a full bar in the basement, it was lacking the horror lair esthetic I dreamed of. We wanted a place we could cover in horror decor, have horror on the screen round the clock, and just sit back and consume the grog. We found a place and it became a reality. 
It wasn't long into our stay at the house of grog that we were up having an all night drunken horrorathon(not our first of course). I was telling Chainsawdomy about how back in the day we would have extended horror marathons and drunkenly review all the films. The problem was they never made it out into the world because we would plan on making a zine but would procrastinate. I always kept the books with plans of making the zine a reality. The problem was my place flooded and all were lost. Well, as I was telling him this he was like "we should do a blog" and I was like "what the fuck is a blog?" The only time I had heard of blogs was that part of Myspace where my friends wrote about a bunch of feelings that I didn't care about. He explained that it was a place we could review films and people may or may not read them. I was sold. Even if people didn't read at least I would have them all saved in the event of another flood. We jumped the fuck to it and started creating the grog. After a failed attempt at taking pictures of random stacks of DVDs for a logo we threw together a logo using the classic art from "Zombie Lake." We came up with the name and set that shit up like OJ.
The O.G.
Once the logo was done we spent all night setting up the account and coming up with ideas. I had no intention of this being anything. I hadn't written in over ten years. I had forgotten pretty much everything that I learned in school. Commas and periods meant nothing to me, and spelling was something that they made a boring documentary out of. I was just a drunk asshole that wanted to make obscure references and talk shit. I assumed like five of my friends would read it and that would be that. Right off the bat I drunkenly wrote up a review for "The Children."  B. would tackle "The Last House on the Left(remake)."  It was total shit but it was fun as hell to write. I just started picking up a bottle on my way home from work, grabbing a couple movies and going to town. I would just ramble and maybe make a point or two. Looking back on these is pretty hilarious. There are some fun ones but Jesus, they are bad. Most were about a paragraph long and weren't much more than a bad joke written into a long sentence. About a month in I wrote a review for one of my all time favorites "Spaced Invaders."  This changed everything. Patrick Read Johnson thanked me for my review. I couldn't believe it. Someone besides the five people I told about the grog had read my shit, not just someone, but the mastermind behind "Spaced Invaders." I slowly started taking it a little more serious, not too much but at least I was aware people were reading.

Here are few examples of some of the early ones. While not well written at all they are kind of fun to look back on. 

About a year after I started the grog I set out to get it more exposure. I set up a Facebook and a Twitter, and added it to the Horror Blogger Alliance.  It didn't take long for me to meet up with some amazing people that have helped the grog in many ways. I did a three way "Garbage Pail Kids" review with Mr. Gable's Reality and Morbidemtia. This led to the creation of the Bad Netflix crew. The three of us along with some other bad asses started up a "MST3K" style drunken riffing night using the future. You can see a recap of the first event here.

I have met so many bad ass people that have supported and entertained all at the same time. This is just a small portion of the people and sites that have helped the grog in some way or another.

The grog has grown from just a drunken review site to include lists, articles, interviews, and contests. Lists such as Top 50 Horror Sequels, and Top 50 Xmas Films have been personal highlights for me. The Life and Death(Eventual) of a Horror Nerd was my first love letter to being a horror nerd with the 31 Days of Horror Nerd Indoctrination taking a more detailed look at it.

Kicking it with Pinhead. Click the pic for the article.

I returned to Crypticon Seattle this year and had the pleasure of writing up about my drunken week. I did an interview with Sadistik, as well as Bobby Canipe about his upcoming flick "Bloody Bones." I have done series overviews on classics such as the "Subspecies and  Silent Night, Deadly Night"franchises. These are fun and challenging all at the same time. Both of these are only five films and even that had me drunk and insanely worn out. Just wait for the "Children of the Corn" or "Witchcraft" marathons. Jesus. I also spent Easter on a mission of blaspheme with my Easter a go-go marathon. It was full of drugs, alcohol, bunnies, and Jesus. In between all this we found time to have a couple of contests with truly unique prizes.

Will I be able to take these 13 shots while announcing the winner for the first contest?


We gave away a one of a kind print of this masterpiece from Critters and Gods. 

For our second contest we got VonKlingele Kustoms to put together this beauty.  

One thing that is amazing and sad all at the same time is how many people that have been a part of the grog live in such separate parts of the country. The small group of us that live close to each other have had some epic nights whether it's Gabe Nye the Science Guy and I actually being in the same room for the Bad Netflix night, a screening of a bad ass movie or a party to celebrate Halloween or the birth of X. No, not DMX. I mean the worlds most famous cryptozoological  creature.

The official Guts and Grog pumpkin.

Getting ready for Halloween at the grog.
Pumpkins are done dude.
Getting lubed up.

Getting ready for Goregon fest 3.
B. Chainsawdomy playing with Dead Conspiracy at Goregon 3.

Getting ready for the grog's first sponsored show.

Sadistik at the grog's first sponsored show.

Xmas at the grog.
Christmas movie night at the Hollywood.
Peter Poison receiving a bad ass gift.

They should of got what I was having. Christmas at the local watering hole.

After a night out drinking for Xmas Gabe Nye and Steph Infection give me a cheers because we needed more.

The mellow Xmas eve.
A rare occurrence these days. Jacob VonKlingele, Gabe Nye, and I all in the same place.

While I do the majority of the writing here at the grog there are plenty of others that have given some of the finest contributions.

Gabe Nye the Science Guy has laid some serious science on everyone. Here are a few of his contributions to badassary. 

Jacob VonKlingele has taken a break from making bad ass figures to inform everyone of some shit. 

Jeremy Gaulkenstein took a break from Critters and Gods for some of the grog's favorite articles. 


I have had some other great writers submit an article or two as well. Mr. Gable hit up "Ghoulies 3: Ghoulies go to College" while Brobocop schooled everyone in "Jaws 3."  Sadistik who is going to be doing some more contributions soon, talked "Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence" while Jimmy Caution warned you about "Five Across the Eyes."

Since starting the grog, not only have I gained a loyal group of readers I have had the chance to write some articles for some sites that I adore. Here are a few examples of that. 

                                   Slaterocalypse: Gleaming the Cube(Back Online, Back On Duty)

With all this ranting and revisiting what I am trying to say is thank you everyone for reading, sharing, talking about, drinking with, laughing at my bullshit and just being bad asses. Like I said I started this as basically a joke that I thought a few friends would read. It has become a source of pride. I am eager to share what I have written. The fact that I have met so many great people is insane. The fact that I have been asked to write for other sites is insane. The fact that I got a DVD quote is insane. I hope to bring you more drunken nonsense for years to come. I will always be around here and will be showing up over at Couchcutter here and there as well as any other place that will have me. 


Thursday, August 9, 2012

Detention- Joseph Kahn

Imagine if John Hughes and Wes Craven had one passionate night of lovemaking and Wes ended up pregnant. Jump ahead nine months and they are surprised with twins. After arguing about names such as Julius and Vincent they compromise on Greg Araki and Terrence Malick. Well, Terrence and Greg grow up and decide V.C. Andrews may have life figured out so they fall in love. Their relationship becomes stale so they go to a swingers club and meet up with a guy named Steve Pink and have a menage a trios full of bukkake and dutch rudders. Nine months later another kid is born and instead of finding out who the father is, all three decide to raise the child. They call this one Richard Kelly.  This works to their advantage as MTV decides to film an updated version of "Three Men and a Baby" for a in name only drama using them as consultants. While filming the seventh season Richard Kelly is raped by one of the producers who impregnates him. He decides to keep it and that child grows up to be Joseph Kahn. 

Until recently I was under the impression that it was going to be another self aware teen slasher horror comedy. I figured I would give it a watch but wasn't on the top of my list. While I enjoy a good slasher I wasn't expecting much. As time went on I kept reading about it and started to wonder if there was more to it. The trailer seemed pretty basic but rumblings across the internet gave me hope. When I read ten reviews and five people gave it a near perfect, while five others treated it like a Bennifer movie, well  it made me more curious than that time a home school kid found his sisters vagina. I am always on the lookout for something different but in today's day and age it is nearly impossible. I was hoping for the best but with Dane Cook being listed on the front cover I was hesitant. Having someone I don't like in a movie is not a deal breaker but it does cause me to double bag it just in case.

Within thirty seconds I knew this was not your average flick. You are quickly introduced to characters who constantly break the third wall and let you know they are in on the joke. It is done in a fairly intelligent fashion and at a pace that would give Tink Tink a run(pun intended) for his trophy, assuming it wasn't taken away from him due to his legless advantage. The editing is quick and sharp while the references are spit out of the kids mouths quicker than an alcoholics semen. I am not exaggerating this, "Detention" has enough references that even Shawn Spencer would lose track. They don't just stick to horror references either. In the first ten minutes Chopin, Predator, Sigur Ros, Spike Lee, Beverly Hills 90210 and My So Called Life are a small chunk of what is name dropped. After you kind of get used to the style and editing the story becomes more insane than Margot Kidder. Everything from a bear time machine to a dude that cums the ooze from "You Can't Do That On Television" while sporting a TV for a hand.

The acting in this is pretty well executed, especially for being such bat shit crazy subject matter. Most of the young cast pull of being the irritating hipster douche bags they are aiming for while still remaining somewhat likable. Dane Cook, who usually makes me wanna pull my own dick off , split it in two and shove my ear holes with  shredded dick meat, is surprisingly reserved and, dare I say funny.

"Detention" is not perfect. It gets ahead of itself at times and its over ambitious nature is not always realized. It is however, unique, fun, and entertaining. The jokes are as plentiful as the gore and the characters are as irritating as they are entertaining. I guess what I am trying to say is "Detention" is like that girl you're in love with even though she is kind of irritating and makes no sense.



Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Hate Crime- James Cullen Bressack

All I knew about this going in was that it was a found footage version of a home invasion film. Those two things alone left me with the assumption I was going to care about this film about as much as Dennis Rader cared about his victims. The last time I really loved a found footage film was "Cannibal Holocaust." Sure, "The Blair Witch Project" and "Paranormal Activity" were fun in the theater but I forgot about them as fast as Guy Pearce forgot who Joe Pantoliano was in "Memento."  I am happy to report that like Mike Ness, I was wrong. Within seconds of "Hate Crime" starting I felt like coach was elbow deep inside me. He wasn't just molesting me, he went in and played with my insides. There was no foreplay, just pain and remorse.

The only plot description I will give you is the one I got and is ripped right off the IMDB page. " A family is held hostage by sadistic home intruders" Kind of vague right? Well, that is all you get. I will not give anything else as I want you to feel the despair and pain I felt. Dahmer didn't walk up to his boys and be like  " Hey, I am going to kill you, rape your corpse and eat you while I watch the nightly news."  He left it up to their imagination.

As I said earlier "Hate Crime" is a found footage film. Usually that means that the technical side is unimaginative and boring. Not in this case. I was more than impressed with how this film looked. Not only did it look good, it was believable. Unlike most of these movies it is in real time. The cuts were hidden and clever. I was constantly thinking of Carpenter or Hitchcock, now before I get a bunch of hate mail I am not comparing this to "Rope" or "Halloween." Just pointing out the editing style, which I assume Mr. Bressack was inspired by. The only real complaint I had technically was the sound design, and to be fair I watched it streaming online so that could of just been a byproduct of that.

Overall the acting in this blew my mind. Maggie Wagner and Tim Moran specifically were standouts for me. In a just world we would see them accepting an Academy Award at next years ceremony. There were a few moments with some of the cast where I was pulled out of the moment with less than excellent acting. I can't complain to much as these roles took more balls than Randy from "South Park" had in the "Medicinal Fried Chicken" episode.

"Hate Crime" is not a movie for most people. If you watch movies only to be entertained, stay as far away from this as that girl with the sore on her lip. If however, you like to be challenged mentally, emotionally, and morally this needs to be seen. Seven minutes into this I found myself searching the internet to make sure I had not been sent a snuff film. While not being perfect, I can attest this movie will be inside you for a good long while and there is not enough episodes of "Gummi Bears" to cleanse yourself of it, believe me I tried.