Guts and Grog Tooned Up

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Top 10 of 2004

Oh 2004 the year that according to David Fincher the most interesting thing ever happened and Facebook was created. Ronald Reagan forgot to live, Ray Charles heard his last music video played and Marlon Brando took his last tango in life. Jerry Goldsmith heard the score to the omen as he was fading away and Rick James proved to us that cocaine is a helluva drug.  Two great woman screamed their last scream as we lost Fay Wray and Janet Leigh. Johnny Ramone had two bad things happen to him first his death and second getting an in remembrance credit on The Wicker Man Remake(Technically this was not 2004 but oh well).  Christopher Reeve got a dose of Kryptonite and Rodney Dangerfield coached his last soccer team. Old Dirty Bastard found his father, Dimebag got Abe Lincolned and Russ Meyer fell asleep for good on some nice soft tittie pillows.  Definitely a sad year so now we will make up for it with an exceptionally strong year for film.  Three films from 2004 ended up on my top 50 of all time. Not to shabby.

10. Shallow Ground- Sheldon Wilson

An often overlooked little gem.

 9. Malevolence- Steven Mena

Another overlooked film, one of the few movies I have ever seen that comes even close to recapturing the spirit of Black Christmas or Halloween. And I said close.

8. Club Dread- Jay Chandrasekhar

After Super Troopers Broken Lizard went into horror territory with this.  Like Super Troopers this gets funnier with each watch.  Best Horror Spoof since Student Bodies.

7. Creep- Christopher Smith

When I watched this I assumed Mr Smith(not the douche) would go onto great things as this was fucking creepy(i went there) and full of promise. Well I was right as he went on to do Severance and this years broootal Black Death.

6. Dead and Breakfast- Matthew Leutwyler

Super fucking fun and gory. The songs are so good and it has a pre "I forgot to put the lemon wedge in my mouth" David Carradine.

5. Shaun of the Dead- Edgar Wright- Rom Zom Com at its best. 

4. Murder- Set- Pieces- Nick Palumbo

The Nutbag that made Nutbag somehow scores with this. Albeit not a perfect film it works for me.  I think Vincent Gallo is actually the only actor in this and he is just wearing everyone's faces. The video store scene is really out of place but aside from that who doesnt love watching  crazy German guy(see what I did there) donkey punch and slice up bitches.

3. The Machinist- Brad Anderson

Christian Bale tones down his body and his acting from the dark knight for this well crafted descent into madness.

2. Calvaire - Fabrice Du Welz

Deliverance for art fags. AKA Perfect.

1. Bubba Ho-Tep- Don Coscarelli

This movie is perfect.  You can not describe this film. So I wont try.

Look out for 2003, also check out 365horrorfilm's top 10 as well. 


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Top 10 of 2005

2005.  Not a lot happened.  BTK was captured after a fucking Christ age of killing bitches and convicted to 175 years.  Micheal Jackson touched some kids and everyone was OK with it. That guy from Mississippi Burning got convicted, Tookie was executed and the Pope drove his Popemobile straight to heaven. Which is good cause I dont like people with stupid hats so they can stay out of hell, that's my retirement home Ive been working for years to earn a spot.  I think I am a shoe in so that's good. Oh and the Mystery Man was found innocent in the brutal murder of his wife.  It was probably all those disguises from the set of Baretta he saved. In the death department Hunter S. Thompson blew his brains out, Richard Pryor stopped fighting Superman and Mr. Miyagi caught his last fly.  Now onto the movies.

10. Santa's Slay-  David Steiman

A Jewish wrestler plays Santa. Wow.  Opening scene is amazing Fran Drescher gets killed. Nuff said.  While not the best movie this has become a Xmas staple in my house along with other classics such as Silent Night Deadly Night, Christmas Evil and Ernest Saves Christmas. It is a fucking blast. Grab a Ski Lift get drunk and laugh your gooch asleep.

9. The Dark Hours- Paul Fox

An often overlooked sleeper.  Just watch it. Don't want to ruin anything.

8. Evil Aliens- Jake West

Super gory fun throw back to the 80's.  Dead Alive meets Aliens in the attic.

7. Feast- John Gulager

Another super fun gorefest. Henry Rollins and Jason Mewes get the shit killed out of them.  Monster Bukkake. I'm so in.

6. Lady Vengeance- Chan-wook Park

The last of the vengeance trilogy and it ends with a mother fucking bang.

5.  Hard Candy- David Slade

Kitty Pryde is pissed and hates Priest's.

4. Land of the Dead- George A. Romero

I stand by this entry into the dead series. While the last two were definitely lacking I have no problem putting this right next to the holy 3.  Big Daddy is bad ass, Dennis Hopper plays almost as good of a George Bush as Jello Biafra, and the pest kills a whole Lotta zombies.

3. The Descent- Neil Marshall

One of the best films of the decade and so fucking creepy and claustrophobic.  Mr Marshall knows how to fuck shit up.

2. Wolf Creek- Greg Mclean

 Possibly the most brutal raw and unflinching film since The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  This movie blew my fucking mind.  John Jarratt is fucking terrifying.

1. The Devils Rejects- Rob Zombie

I dont care what anyone says. This is a masterpiece. So brooooootal and beautiful. The cast is so good and I love rooting for the bad guys.  The end is one of the most powerful things I have ever seen and the fact that he pulled off using Freebird in its entirety is something to be applauded. 

Some of my favorite movies of the decade came out in 05.  Whats up next. 2004 the year of Elvis and Funny Zombies and Insomniacs that aren't named Dave Attell.

Make sure you check out 365horrormovie's top as well.


Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Animals- Douglas Aarniokoski

What a piece of shit. LOVED IT.  This movie should of been made in the 90s for skinamax.  So much soft core sex.  I felt as if I was watching Embrace the vampire as if directed by one of the Full Moon dudes, oh wait this dude wrote Puppet Master 4 and 5. The writer of the novel this is based off of is John Skipp who was one of the original Splatterpunk authors back in the day and also wrote the script for Nightmare on Elm St 5.  Which sucked, but we wont hold that against him as he is kind of a bad ass.  This movie is kind of a slow starter but you get tons of skinamax sex to hold you over.  The dialogue is laughable at times but is delivered in a surprisingly sincere manner. Not to shocking when you get a team up from three of the best TV shows ever produced outside of Twin Peaks.  You have Nicki Aycox from Supernatural, Naveen Andrews from Lost(doing one of the worst British accents ever) and Marc Blucas from Buffy who was probably Buffy's most irritating fuck buddy the entire series but regardless not a bad chap.  Anyways this movie is pretty shitty overall but for some reason I loved it. Probably cause I am a fucked up individual who has sat through Blood Freak more times than I care to admit.  Like I said earlier the dialogue is atrocious and the writing is quite convoluted but somehow it works.  As shitty as it is you can tell that these people tried to make a great movie based off a great book, it just didn't end up that way but the sincerity is there.  I will say a lot of the practical effects are insanely bad ass and will have you wanting to punch a puppy in its cut off ball sack out of excitement. On the other hand the CGI in this is fucking godawful. It is however so fucking bad that I kind of enjoyed it. Its kind of reminiscent of Primal Rage for the Genesis.  These animals look like Kangaroo Jack if he had been animated on an Apple 2E.  It is utter shit, almost on par with the gif birds from Birdemic but still somehow a step up from that(not 3D though). Long story short great ideas, Nicki Aycox all kinds of naked, tons of fucking heart and a fun ride. Kind of like a shroom trip that kind of got a little weird but in the end it was kind of a fun ride. If you enjoy shit shove your anal beads up this movies ass and lay below it and take it all in and rub that shit all over your nips.  Sometimes it feels good to be a dirty dirty whore. 



Thursday, September 16, 2010

Lost Highway- David Lynch

I first watched this movie when I was 17, it was like 4 in the morning and I was trying to keep it down as my old ass grandparents were asleep in the next room over. Every time I thought I had it at a reasonable level Bill Pullman would start playing Sax or Robert Blake would laugh in stereo. Once this movie was over I rewound it and watched it again and again.  Then the next day I put it in and did the same.  Lost Highway is a very and I mean very dark movie.  I mean that in every sense of the word.  It will rape your mind.  I just kept watching and watching and watching hoping to figure out what it meant or why I couldn't stop watching it. I could go on and make up some bullshit as what all the deeper meanings are, but I'm not.  This movie is fucking bad ass and that's all you need to know.  Patricia Arquette gets naked, Robert Blake is creepy and kills people(talk about life imitating art), Robert Loggia is a bad ass and hates tailgating, Richard Pryor is to busy fixing cars to fight Superman, Balthzar Getty gets more pussy than a toilet seat and Gary Busey is in it.  If you want me to walk you through it, get over it. I'm not gonna hold your hand, you know what happens to people that let grown ass men hold their hand? They get molested. Is that what you want?  Well if it is to bad, I'm out of roofies and I still haven't gotten the blood out of my clown suit from last time.



Top 20 of 2006

2006, the year video games got a little less lazy.  Nerds now could go bowling in the privacy of their own home, sure they would still loose their breath but not in a crowded smokey bar full of people. The ghost of Mr Chicken came and took Don Knotts back to hell, a shark came up and bit Peter Benchley in the taint  and Steve Irwin went through a maze of crocodiles and poisonous snakes then jumped over 5 sharks just to step on  a jellyfish or some shit and fall on a stingray.  Oh and some evil dude got a botched hanging.  Now onto the world of film.  Not a bad year if you ask me. Lets do this.

20.  Black Sheep- Jonathan King

Zombies. Check.....Sheep. Check.  What else do you need to know? oh It is not a remake of that sweet movie staring the other dead fat guy. R.I.P. both of you. Why couldn't it of been David Spade? Oh probably the 300 pound difference.

19. Fido- Andrew Currie

If Honest Abe was around he would have some words to speak about this slavery.  Fido just wants some lovins.  Pretty deece ZomCom.

18. The Tripper- David Arquette

They kill Hippies? Count me in. Ronnie as a fucking killer.(only hippies instead of tards this time)

17.  Dead and Deader- Patrick Dinhut

Clark Kent kills some zombies and makes some bad jokes. Wheres the Oscar?

16. The Host- Joon-Ho Bong

Not the one written by that Mormon bitch but Korea's version of Godzilla in the water.  Fun fucking creature film from the land of some bad ass BB-Q.

15. The Last Winter- Larry Fessenden

Hellboy is in the snow, some shit happens.  Its creepy as fuck.  Loved it.

14.  Cemetery Gates- Roy Knyrim

Reggie jumps out of his Ice cream truck to fight a Tasmanian Devil, not the kind that every fat bitch has tattooed on her ankle or a 5x T-shirt of but the pissed off i will rip your face off, like weasels. So bad ass.

13. Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon- Scott Glosserman

Kind of a redux of Man Bites Dog but done with Slashers. Full of references and just a good time. Surprisingly effective as a film as well.

12. Nightmare Detective- Shinya Tsukamoto

From the creator of Tetsuo and Hiruku the Goblin comes what would happen if David Lynch teamed up with David Fincher and moved to Japan?  Obviously something badass would cuz this movie gave me a chub.   Nerd Chub.

11. Taxidermia- György Pálfi

I haven't seen this many fat people in one movie since Heavyweights. 

10. The Lost- Chris Sivertson

Jack Ketchum is a bad ass. I have loved all the adaptations, even Offspring.  This movie is fucking Brooooootal. I fucking love Ray Pye. He will fuck your shit up without a second thought. 

9. Abominable- Ryan Schifrin

One of thee best Bigfoot movies. This beast has a face for radio and he will eat bitches as if they were a bowl of Frankenberry's.  Lance Henriksen and Jeffery Combs have such a bad ass cameo in this and Tiffany Shepis is a trooper as she was prego and still got ripped through windows and took showers for this.

8. The Abandoned- Nacho Cerda

Quite different than Aftermath.  One of the most overlooked of the After Dark Horror Fest films.  Very unique and badass. Karim Hussain help with the writing so that had to of helped, how can you go wrong with Karim and Nacho? You cant.

7. All the boys love Mandy Lane- Jonathan Levine

A great fucking movie that for some reason is yet to be released on DVD. I dont get it. Amber heard Makes little Tromeric do a little dance, the kills are awesome and its got enough heart to feed Harry Warden. Get off your asses people put this shit out.

6. The Gravedancers- Mike Mendez

I have said it before and I will say it again. Mike Mendez is possibly the most underrated director of our generation.  Real Killers and The Convent both gave me rocket size boners and Ov3rkill looks fanfuckingtastick. This movie made me dance on a grave. Well actually it was the El Jimador but fuck it, I'll stick with it.

5. Pan's Labyrinth- Guillermo del Toro

Fucking Beautiful.  Only Guillermo can switch back and forth from Hollywood to badassary this well.

4.  Severance- Chris Smith

Possibly the best horror comedy ever, not counting The Burbs, Spaced Invaders, or Ernest Scared Stupid. May even go as far as to say better than Shaun of the Dead.  If Daisy O Dare got naked it definitely would.

3. Slither- James Gunn

So from Troma to Scooby Doo to slimy goodness.  Reminiscent of the 80s gooey movies such as the Blob remake or Body Melt. The Rook is bad ass, Nathan Fillion is super bad ass as always and Elizibeth Banks is hot and Rob Zombie and Uncle Lloydey have cameos.

2. Poultrygeist- Lloyd Kaufman

I love Lloyd. Chicken Zombies, song and dance, fat man shitting all over, i could go on and on and on.

1.  Hatchet- Adam Green- Old School American Horror!

Fucking broooooooooooooooooooooooootal.  Should of been made in the 80's. Bitches ripped in half, jaws ripped open. Buckets and buckets and buckets of blood buckets of blood buckets of blood.

Well not to shabby, next up 2005. Caves and Aliens and Killers . Shit Yeah Bitches.

Make sure you check out 365horrormovie to see his list for said year.


Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Top 10 of 2007

2007 a year when 32 nerds had to learn the hard way that technical skills wont save them from and pissed off Oldboy fan.  We lost Lilly Munster and Bergman sat down to play a game of chess and lost.  Jerry Falwell died and everybody limbo-ed and I heard that rap music became the new disco.  Jack Valenti went numb then bit the bullet but still left us with a fucktarted rating system and Chris Benoit and the Rock both had a game plan while the rocks just ruined his cred, Benoit's ruined his family's faces and left him alone and dead. Not to mention that Evil Knievel took his last leap and an astronaut wore a diaper in the name of revenge. Now on to the films that made 2007 a year for vampires, abortion, torture and some pissed off clouds. 

10. The Wizard of Gore- Jeremy Kasten

I usually stay away from remakes but with a cast like this how could I resist. Super gory, Suicide Girls getting obliterated, Black Heart Procession and Crispin mother fucking Glover.

9. Flight of the Living Dead- Scott Thomas

Zombies on a Plane!!!!! This movie sucks, but I love it, play the drinking game where every time someone falls through the hatch take a shot. Alcohol poisoning here we come. May even be crazier than the Wild Zero drinking game.

8. The Rage- Robert Kurtzman

Gooey, slimy, fun from The K of KNB.  Wishmast caused some havoc. Just a good time.

7. 30 Days of Night- David Slade

Before he took on sparkly vampires David Slade directed this comic adaption with real vampires that actually kill. Blood on Snow, one of the most beautiful things ever.

6.  Grindhouse- Robert Rodriguez/ Quentin Tarantino/ Eli Roth/ Edgar Wright/ Rob Zombie

This came out together and is how it should be seen with all the trailers intact, to bad all these God Damn nerds decided they would rather jerk off to the target catalog instead of go out and see this fun gory tribute, they like to talk about it but god forbid they leave their moms basement.

5. Wolf Creek- Greg Mclean

A well done creature film from the man that bought us Wolf Creek. Vaughn is here to save the day.

4. Murder Party- Jeremy Saulnier

Wow, coolest cat ever. 

3. Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer- Jon Knautz

This Plumber is pissed.  Robert Englund is so amazing in this and I can't wait for the sequel to see where they will take our friend Mr Brooks(not Kevin Costner).

2.  The Mist- Frank Darabont

Wow, possibly the best monster movie since The Thing.  Everything about this is amazing, the cast, the directing, the monsters and the end blew my fucking mind.

1. Inside- Alexandre Bustillo/Julien Maury

The french continue kicking ass with this, so fucking gorgeous, it will kick you in the stomach and abort your child, and you will thank it for doing so.

Solid Year, next up 2006 we will sing with some chickens, dance on some graves and eat a ton of food.

For a different view check out 365 horror movie's list.