Guts and Grog Tooned Up

Friday, December 30, 2011

The Innkeepers- Ti West

     Haunted House or ghost films are generally not my favorite sub genre when it comes to horror. Overall I find them boring, predictable and cheap. Exceptions of course would be classics such as Poltergeist, stylistic modern gems like The Others or over the top awesome, fun fangasm giving movies like A Haunting in Salem. Well Ti West has added another one to my list. The Innkeepers, a film I have been waiting all year to see and finally got my chance just in time to use it for my year end list.
     The Innkeepers follows two Innkeepers(shocking right?) who are working the last weekend of a hotels existence. There are not a lot of characters in this. You have the cute girl next door and your every nerd filled out by a creepy old man, an irritating mother and son combo, a new age washed up actress and some ghosts. The nerd runs a site following haunted happenings in the hotel which she helps him out with from time to time. Since it's the last weekend they are just staying in house all weekend.  They take turns recording EVP, looking at porn, and getting drunk. That is as much of a plot as you will get from me.  I even feel that may be to much. 
     The Innkeepers like most of West's other work is about as slow burning and tension filled as fucking an eighty year old corpse. Let me stop for a second. I mean an awesome super hot eighty year old corpse, like Rue McClanahan and this is coming from a Rue McClanifan.  What I am trying to say masked somewhere in this bottle of vodka is The Innkeepers albeit slow is fun, exciting, smart and worth it.  It sucks you in like a vacuum in an abortion office and doesn't let go till you're on a poster in front of a planned parenthood.



Friday, December 16, 2011

Top 15 Albums of 2011

     So I have always been all over the place with music. I grew up pretty much a metal and punk kid but have always been all over the board. My Itunes on random has been known to cause more seizures then the opening to Enter the Void.  This is my personal top fifteen albums of the year. I am in no way saying that these are all horror themed, granted a large majority are.  I also am posting this as a view into my fucked up brain and not arguing talent or quality. Opinions are like assholes, everyone has them except the patient of that midwife in China.

15. Burzum: Fallen-  Varg is out of prison, he is a horrible person. The first two Burzum records have raped my face off with pure aggresion numerous times. This one is epic, beautiful and brutal. Pour a drink and turn this shit to eleven and drift away into another world with less daytime drama.

14. The Tree of Life: OST-  Tree of Life was an experience more than a movie. This is not about the movie though.  The music is fucking atmospheric and I have spent hours just laying listening to it.

13. The Lonely Island: Turtleneck & Chain- Lonely Island are fucking funny. Outside of that their songs are catchy like AIDS.  Anthems like I Just had Sex will have you singing with Akon.  Michael Bolton deserves a Grammy for his work on this album. Hearing him say "this whole towns a pussy just waiting to get fucked." well I can scratch that off my bucket list.

12. Creature Feature: It was a Dark and Stormy Night- After a hiatus Creature Feature returns with this dark,horror inducing, children's fantasy.

11. Zombi: Escape Velocity- Sure these guys are basically just Goblin reincarnate but I am OK with that.

10. Weedeater: Jason....The Dragon-  Doomy, stoner, heavy fucking metal.  Choose your poison, turn this up loud and enjoy.

 9. Exhumed: All Guts, No Glory-  Gore metal returns. Loud, brutal and rapingley  in your face.  I was lucky enough to see these guys on tour with Macabre and it owned my soul.

8. Macabre: Grim Scary Tales-  Nursery rhymes of death. Nothing quite as memorable as Vampire of Dusseldorf but I am always OK with Macabre.

7. Rufus Rex: Dead Beat- Dark and fun punk rock from have of Creature Feature.

6. Trap Them: Darker Handcraft-  Fast, brooootal and amazing. A little more melodic than their last couple but that doesn't bother me one bit.  This shit will kick you in the face, which is funny because when they came through I got kicked in the face super hard by some douche jumping off the stage. Great fucking show.

5. Drive: OST- The first few songs will make you feel like you are watching Silk Stalkings back in the ninety's then the score just owns you. One of the best soundtracks in ages.

4. Doomtree: No Kings-  Basically a super group of awesome.  This has only been out for a short time but I can't stop listening to it.

3. Sadistik/ Kristoff Krane/Graham O' Brien: Prey for Paralysis- I have already reviewed this here and I still haven't gotten enough.  It is like being raped by the most romantic dude ever. 

2. Blood Freak: Mindscraper- Blood Freak is back with a mother fucking vengeance. The first song is pretty much samples for five minutes. Everything from Freddy to Elves.  After that they just get to the beating.  This hits hard, fast and to the point. It's just how I  like my men.

1. David Lynch: Crazy Clown Time- And you know it had to come to this. David Lynch makes fucked up, insane, beautiful, chaotic movies. Why would his music be any different?  Crazy Clown Time is like if Crystal Castles did a meditation in the Black Lodge. This needs to be heard.  Modern Masterpiece.

     Well it was quite a diverse year in my world. Some great albums, not as many as some year but the top three specifically will be in my rotation for quite sometime. What were some of your choices?


Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Silent Night, Deadly Night: All Day Drunken Marathon

    So after a night of debauchery with many of the Grog's contributors which included lots of booze, gift exchanges, wandering of the streets of Portland, multiple bars and strip clubs and just all around family fun I slept for a few hours, got up and started an epic journey.  It seemed right. It is only a couple of weeks away from Christmas, and even though I am seeing Silent Night, Deadly Night in all its 35mm glory next week, I wanted to sit down and watch all five of them in a row with nothing but a couple bottles of booze, a notebook and my sanity. I was curious which of those I would have left when it was over. Well I am proud to say pretty much the notebook is all that made it out, and that is just further proof of me losing my sanity. I sit here the next day at the crack of noon with a notebook that supposedly has reviews of all five films. I am getting out my decoder ring and trying to decipher this long lost language I created.

Silent Night, Deadly Night- Charles E. Sellier Jr.
    A family goes to see their Grandpa who gives grandpa from Troll 2 a run for his money in the crazy department. When he gets Billy alone he scares the shit out of him. They then leave and see a stranded Santa on the side of the road. Thinking they will win parents of the year award they stop so the kids can meet Santa early. They have instead signed their death warrants and created a couple of monsters. This Santa brings rape and murder and we have him to thank for the next ten hours of my life.
   We now jump ahead and Billy and his brother Ricky are just hanging out being orphans with a bunch of boring ass crazy nuns.  Billy draws a sweet picture of a reindeer getting decapitated that mirrors many of the pictures I drew back in elementary that got a call home to my mom about my stability. Well since they don't have a phone that reaches six feet under they just punish him. He then catches some teens having some pretty awesome Catholic guilt sex. The mega bitch nun now whips him in a scene that has turned on pedophiles for years.  We now jump ahead again and Billy is all grown up. He gets a job at a toy store.  Everything seems fine until they ask him to be Santa and he thinks about it and is like "I am insanely afraid of Santa, he killed my parents while I watched and I wake up screaming from night terrors dealing with it every night, sure I'll be Santa, why not?" Well maybe he didn't actually say this, but it was implied.  We are now where we want to be. The reason you go to see Silent Night, Deadly Night is to see a madman dressed like Santa punish and kill innocents. Silent Night delivers. There are some super creative kills, fun campy dialogue and Billy is basically the Bukowski of killer Santas with all his poetry reading.
    Silent Night caused quite the controversy when it was released.  Every major critic condemned it, Jesus freaks were disgusted with it and there were more protests at screenings than you would find at a liberal arts college. People take shit way to seriously. Have fun. When I was a kid I watched it and it didn't traumatize me. I loved it. It scared the shit out of me, which is what I was going for so good job. Today when I watch it I have a blast. It is a fun yearly tradition and the house of grog is not complete without a viewing of it.

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2- Lee Harry

     Silent Night two follows Ricky, Billy's younger brother who saw him gunned down after his exploits in the first one. He is in a psych ward learning about his feelings.  Silent Night two is so many flashbacks to the first one it is hard to count it as a separate film. You get moments of Ricky using his eyebrows to tell the story of Billy and other crazy things but it isn't till about forty five minutes in you really get any new footage. With that said. I don't give a shit because part two is god damn amazing.
     You get such memorable moments as a redneck trying to rape a girl who takes a break to get a beer. Ricky then runs him over for which the girl thanks him. Finally a intelligent woman in a horror film. She recognizes that Ricky is like every crocodile from any giant creature film and is the rape avenger. She is appreciative and not whiny like " you're crazy! Why would you kill someone that was attacking me? That makes no sense."  Once Ricky gets a gun the fun really begins. He takes out his girlfriend like Bambi's mom because he realizes she's a lying whore. "Garbage Day"  two words that will forever live in infamy thanks to this movie. If nothing I say convinces you how awesome this is, let me tell you "Garbage Day" will. It is the best line reading in the history of film. The Acadamy owes Eric Freeman an apology for not winning best actor in 1987. That's right, " Fuck you Paul Newman" The Color of not garbage day is more like it. It comes to its finale with Ricky vs the nun that looks like Seal. Now that is a fight I would pay to see, and have many times.

Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out- Monte Hellman

     I always remembered liking three the most outside of the first two but after revisiting them all back to back I feel I was wrong. Monte Hellman takes the reigns for this and is the first one to take the Christmas theme out, it is there in the background and used as a backdrop but overall it is a paranormal slasher.  Ricky who is in a coma after the events of two is being treated by Benjamin Horne himself, Richard Beymer. He has a patient who is the world champion of blind orphans, he realizes she can get into Ricky's dreams and thinks he can somehow fix Ricky.  This of course goes all wrong when Ricky wakes up and starts stalking her. He gets a ride to her grandmas house with some dude who doesn't think it's weird that he is in a robe and looks like the bad guy from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. She is there with her brother who is played by another Twin Peaks alum Eric Da Re who looks like the result of Kenny G joining W.A.S.P.

     It has moments of fun, and some cool shots which I am sure Monte had a lot to do with. You get more flashbacks in case you didn't get enough in part two and the cast is pretty rad with all the Twin Peaks faces, as well as another Lynch lady Laura Harring who shows off her boobies before science fucked em up.  Bill Moseley gets the part of Ricky which is quite different from the other two psychos he is known for as Ricky hardly speaks, as he has a glass cage for a head.  In the end it is pretty forgettable but for the completest like me it is a must own.

Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation- Brian Yuzna

    Brian Yuzna came along and was like "yeah I'll make SNDN4 but instead of Christmas I am gonna fill it with bugs and witches."  (*may not be an accurate quote)
     A lady jumps off a building while being on fire. Clint Howard(who plays Ricky, not sure how that works) finds a burger with no cheese. He is pissed. A newspaper worker decides she wants to be a real reporter so she investigates and ends up getting sucked into a world where the cast of The View  chases her down, gives her an insect facial and invites The Applegates over. Her vagina pukes and she is transformed into a combination of Belial and Grant Grant.
     This gets a lot of hate and I don't get it. It is nothing like the other films. It can't be compared to the other films. It is full of slimy, splattery awesome that only Yuzna can bring.  The score is done by Full Moon favorite Richard Band and it is full of "surrealistic visual effects" by Screaming Mad George.  When I saw that credit I must admit I chuckled but after finishing the film it works and I can totally get behind it. Like Brad Pitt did for Gwyneth Paltrow get your head out of the box and enjoy this.

Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker- Martin Kitrosser

    The final entry brings us Mickey Rooney who was very vocal of his distaste for the first one as a toymaker who runs a shop called Pettos's. His name is Joe so I guess it is suppose to be clever, to me it is the complete opposite of what you should call a store for children unless your store is in the back of a windowless van. Mickey Rooney looks like the left side of a ball sack anyways so what does he know? I will tell you something he knows and that is how to make toys even cooler than they already are.  The surrealistic visual effects are back in full force and Yuzna steps down as director and just sticks to producing this time. 
    SNDN5 opens with a very Lynchian slow mo shot of a kid watching his dad get killed by a bad ass evil Santa that he found on his doorstep. We then jump ahead a bit and the kid doesn't talk and is not so stoked on Christmas. I don't get it. He sees a commercial for the toy that killed his dad and freaks out. Get over it dude. I don't throw a hissy every time I see Maximum Overdrive.  The next seventy minutes or so are filled with plenty of awesome.  Toys that shoot, a real life Leech Woman, Roller Blades that kill you(which they should), fake arms that will finger your butt hole like the one that got away a giant size Ken doll trying to rape a lady with his nodick while calling her mom.
     The Toymaker is an excellent film that should be watched and not compared to the other SNDN films but set aside in its own world of badassary.

     Well I survived. Five films, lots of liquor, and a notebook of what would be memories if I could understand them or remember them.


Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Top 50 Xmas Films

I have ranted before about Christmas and my thoughts, so I will keep it limited. I don't care about religion, consumerism, or any other bullshit. I do care about having a good time. My whole life is spent just trying to do this, and Christmas is something I enjoy. I enjoy hunting for gifts for people, I enjoy having drinks with friends, and watching shitty movies about said holiday, and I enjoy all the random traditions I have created. There is a moment of bliss when wrapping a gift in Batman paper while watching Gremlins that can't be recreated. With this list I went outside my usual area and included all genres of film, not just horror. There are just to many that I watch on a yearly basis that I had to include. I also am not rating these on quality of film. I know that Pandora's Box is actually better than Jingle All the Way. These are based off of my love for watching them as part of the cult of Christmas. I included some films that are not full Christmas themed but at least have the holiday season involved.  I thought about just doing a killer Santa list but it sounded less exciting so I went with the massive fifty film list so I could include Hulk Hogan. Enjoy and make sure to spike your eggnog.

50. A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas- So this is number fifty because I wanted it on the list but to be honest I haven't had a chance to see it yet. My work schedule has not matched with the limited screenings it has here in Portland. I will see it soon and can almost guarantee it will be a tradition from now on. NPH owns.(Update: I saw it, and it does indeed own.)

49. Santa with Muscles- So I will be honest. This film is far from good. It is not even one I feel the need to watch every year. It does however have Hulk Hogan in a Santa costume and that needs to be recognized.  It has its moments and with the right amount of nog and friends can be pretty god damn enjoyable.

48. Beethoven's Christmas Adventure-  I love talking animal movies. I always have. Growing up I would watch Faces of Death then switch to Milo and Otis. It has never left me.  I loved the original Beethoven when I was a wee lad and when I saw that he had a Christmas adventure I knew I had to see it. I was expecting something pretty awful and sure in a lot of ways it was. It was also pretty epic and fun. Tom Arnold is the voice of the dog and John Cleese is the narrator while a slew of other bad asses from the asylum's catalog fill out the rest. Not perfect by any means but a fun watch while you're wrapping up that prop replica of the dick from Piranha.

47. Pandora's Box-  Not your typical Christmas movie by any means but a classic and I don't want to ruin it but the ending takes place on Christmas and involves one of my favorite Serial Killers and is just amazing. Louise Brooks also is super sexy as that is what she does.

46. Die Hard 2: Die Harder- Not a great film, probably my least favorite out of the franchise but still fun and you get all the Christmas love.

45. Tales from the Crypt- Long before I would stay up late to watch the Cryptkeeper tell me a story, an anthology film was made based off the EC comics and the first segment is the one I am focusing on for this list. Joan Collins is hunted by a man in a Santa suit. Do you need to know any more?

44. Silent Night Deadly Night 3: You Better Watch Out- Ricky has woken up and fucks with a psychic. Great cast in this with pre boob job Laura Elana Harring, Richard Beymer, and rounded out by Chop Top himself Bill Mosley as Ricky. This was directed by Monte Hellman the man who brought us Two Lane Black Top. This one seems to get the most hate but I think it's a fun ride.

43. Santa Claus conquers the Martians- sixties sci-fi fun that had a viewing on MST3K. Watch when you want want weird and bad but in all the right ways.

42. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York-  The guy from C.H.U.D. and the guy from
Goodfellas are after that Culkin kid. The weird looking one that played with Michael and was in that Sonic Youth video. Not as good as the first but the city brings enough hijinks to keep it entertaining.

41. Silent Night Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker- These films are all fun in their own right and are all pretty bad in their own right. This basically has nothing to do with Christmas but if you are gonna do the marathon you gotta involve all of them.  It is a fun watch but don't expect to be blown away unless it's by your own gun as you decided to watch all of them in a row.

40.  Dead End-  A great film with Ray Wise headed to Christmas and shit gets fucked up.

39. Inside- One of my favorite films ever. A French woman is attacked on Christmas in her home. Crazy happens. It is beautiful and fucked up all at the same time. My favorite juxtaposition.

38. Sint- Not exactly Christmas but it is directed by the guy that did Amsterdamned and has a evil Saint who looks like one of the guys from Ghost killing the shit out of people.

37. Silent Night Deadly Night 4: Initiation- Still basically nothing to do with Christmas but you get Reggie and the better Howard.

36. Cronos- A alternative take on the vampire legend that takes place during the holidays. Beautiful.

35. Eyes Wide Shut- One of my favorite Kubrick films.  Cruise is attempting to prove his heterosexuality with his sexual odyssey.  While not being a Christmas film it is full of the feeling and you even see them shopping for gifts.

34. Grumpy Old Men-  That Shar Pei looking mother fucker has all kinds of hijinks with his neighbor and the Penguin says some funny ass shit.

33.  The Nightmare before Christmas- Tim Burton gets all the credit for this. Hot Topic pretty much killed this for me but as a movie it is still a great watch. I just try not to picture that fat girl wearing Nightmare Before Christmas spandex.

32. Female Trouble- John Waters is one of my gods. This has always been my favorite of his films. The whole film is not Christmas themed but the part that is owns.  She just wants her cha cha heels. Divine was one of the best people to ever be shit onto the planet.

31. Burton does deserve the credit for this one. Winona was hot and it just sucks you into the world. It is like a cult, only a cult of awesome.

30. I watched this way to much as a kid. I can't help but still love it. 

29. Trapped in Paradise-  Great cast and always fun to watch these three rob a bank then fall in love with Shelly the waitress and get soft hearts and hard dicks.

28. Ghostbusters II-  A great sequel that MC Hammer did a song for before he fell asleep in the alley behind the firehouse.  Christmas is the backdrop and ghost be hunted.

27. Lethal Weapon- He is getting to old for this shit, but I never will.

26. Don't Open Till Christmas- A gory slasher that takes place in London.  Comes out today on DVD and I will be out hunting for it as soon as I am done with this list.

25.  Denis Leary robs the wrong family on Christmas. Hilarity ensues.

24. A fun short staring Ken Foree. I was lucky enough to see it on the big screen when I met Ken Foree. You can download it online for like three bucks or something and I suggest doing just that.

23. Jack Frost- Killer snowman, snowman rape. Sold.

22. The Muppet Christmas Carol-  A classic as told by muppets.  Math says awesome.

21. Tim Burton returns with my favorite of the Batman films(not counting Nolan's) and it is full of Christmas goodness. Devito is amazing in this.

20. A Christmas Story- After Bob Clark made one of the best Christmas slasher films ever he made this which a bit more heartwarming and all that bullshit. It still has to many great moments to ignore though.

19. Die Hard- One of the best action movies ever happens to also be a great film to watch during the Christmas season. Mother fuckers best enjoy Bruce at his best.

18. Rare Exports- I saw this in the theater last year and had a blast. Like a Spielberg film with some random mythology and awesome effects. The end is kind of anti climactic but I am guessing that was due to budgetary restraints. Sadistik and I disagree on this film. I think the overall film makes up for the lack of ending. It is like fucking the hottest girl in the world and not being able to cum. Sure you wanted to but at least you got a chance to enjoy it even if the end you are left wanting more.

17. Silent Night Deadly Night- The original. This movie pissed more people off than The Westboro Baptist Church. People take Santa way to serious. Great cast, great kills, like your mom just a great ride.

16. Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas- Kermit rules, animals basically get drunk and play washboards. Love this. Have been watching this since I was a kid.

15. Gremlins- Joe Dante is easily one of my all time favorite directors and this is one of his masterpieces.

14. Jack Frost 2: The Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman- One of the best titles, one of the best sequels, and so many god damn one liners it could get its own Arnold Schwarzenegger type montage.

13. A Very Sunny Christmas- Danny Devito oozing out of the couch as if he was being born is one of the most disturbing things put to celluloid. It gives newborn porn a run for its money.

12. Elves- Nazis, Grizzly Adams and a pervert brother who loves his sisters tig ol bitties.

11. Scrooged- Bill Murray is amazing and this movie is a must watch.  Only Bill Murry could tell this story better than Dickens and Muppets.

10. Classic. Sinbad, Phil Hartman, and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

9. Before he made Hobo with a Shotgun, we got this short film full of so much awesome it is hard to contain my excitement. Starts off with the song from Cannibal Holocaust and then trees talk and kill. The end is worth the price of admission.Which at this point is free but I still hope for a DVD. I don't care if it is fifteen minutes I would still buy it.

8. Jewish Santa, amazing deaths, surreal dialogue, and Curling.  A must watch every year at the house of grog.

7. Christmas Vacation- Classics are classics for a reason. "Shitter was full" one of the best lines in cinema history. I could go on for hours about this but instead just revisit it.

6. Silent Night Deadly Night part 2- Sure this is made of more flashbacks than Dollman vs Demonic Toys but what it has going for it is "Garbage Day."  Yeah, one of the best moments in film period.

5. Friday after Next- The third Friday and maybe the best. All the characters are so goddamn funny. More bootleg snacks than a canned food outlet, and ghetto Santa.

4. Bad Santa- ball punches, funny fat kids, drunk Billy Bob, John Ritter, and so much more awesome. Super underrated.

3. The Original Slasher and all around a great flick. The better of Bob Clark's Christmas double feature.