Guts and Grog Tooned Up

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Drive Thru- Brendan Cowles, Shane Kuhn

Nightmare on elm street Played roofie roulette with Commando, Good Burger, Killer Klowns from Outer space and Predator. Good Burger ended up with the cup of Flunitrazepam cocktail, while passed out NOES called up its Bro Happy Birthday to me and after stopping at the store for some Natty Ice ad a game cube he showed up at the house that dead built and after throwing a couple back went to give good burger a good ol fashion bro-rape, luckily for Good Burger Predator is an advocate against bro-rape and lasers HBTM. NOES now uses the power-glove to pause Predator, once paused NOES sets up HBTM in preparation of the munging. He pulls Killer Klown over sets in front of HBTM's exit wounds and does a peoples elbow and just covers killer klown in the most mung you can imagine, its a lot. Killer Klown is turned on and grabs commando and and gives him the reach around of a lifetime, he then gives himself a clown frown. I think that was the creative process behind this above average slasher fare.



Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Night of the hell hamsters- Paul Campion

Wowbobwow. This movie is fucking high-larious, like me. These hamsters are pissed. You shoulda just fucked your boy toy, not summon a dark lord who will possess furry little critters that are hungry for balls and take acting lessons from ghoulies in college. This was one of the best 15 minutes of my life, talking animals, dick gore, flying animals, Ouija boards, tomfoolery and so much badassary I cant even explain it. Go get your ass online and watch this shit, holy fuck baby.



Martyrs- Pascal Lauger

I now have seen this film roughly seven times, the first time I watched a import that didn't have subtitles and even in that form I was blown away. I'm not suggesting this although this movie isn't very dialogue driven you still kind of need to know whats being said. Visually stunning and so fucked up it gives three guys one hammer a run for its money. This also defies definition, is it horror? Is it gore? Is it home invasion? Is it torture porn? Is it an existentialist masterpiece? Its like if Johnny Cash, Nausea, Those poor bastards, Sage Francis and Burzum teamed up for a We are the World singalong. Your head may explode if you imagine this and to be fair your head may explode from watching Martyrs. This is a rare example of film that will have people arguing for years to come.



Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Black Roses- John Fasano

One of the few Heavy Metal Horror Films and certainly one of the best aside from Trick or Treat of course why may be the best Rocksploitation film ever made. Black Roses are sweet with the power of Robert Sweet and the Faces of the feebles they are out to fuck shit up. This is one of those movies you just put on and enjoy, the effects cost 10 dollars and they rule. The monsters may not feel threatening but you don't give a fuck the creature from things comes out of a record player and without even moving manages to kill a soprano. That's talent. Lizzy Borden supplies a couple of the films songs which is sweet, the score however is provided by Wesley Willis. Crazy titted bitch turns into Andre Agassi and cuts a bitch. Poetry Teacher loves Burt Reynolds and is real sneaky in his Marty Mcfly Vest. Don't analyze this shit, just watch it and be happy it exists. I know I am.



Fire in the Sky- Robert Lieberman

Fire in the sky scares the bejesus out of me. I have been watching horror movies pretty much since I sneaked a peak out my dads dick hole and saw the tall mans wrath in Phantasm. OK so maybe this isn't factual but I feel that it is a realistic theory. I assume my dad would of watched Phantasm and I could of potentially swam from the ball sack to the peephole to check this shit, and I would of. My point being that I am well experienced in horror and very few things scare me but every time I see Fire in the sky I think I shit just a little bit of blood. Watching Fire in the sky makes me feel like I'm JonBenet Ramsey huddling in the corner of my basement. I'm the Nicole to Fire in the Sky's OJ if you will. The editing of this movie is perfect, the pacing, the cinematography, the effects, the acting, the set design are all fucking fantastic. Even after all of these factors the thing that ads to to fear is, this is based on a true story. I don't know if Aliens exist, Id like to think so, but I also would like to believe in the Jersey Devil or Chupacabra. This is a fascinating story and has never been dis proven. People beleive in a nut job hanging out in the clouds and rolling a 20 sided dye to figure out what country to destroy or what priest to spark lust into with some help from OshKosh B'Gosh but Other life, couldn't happen, that would be crazy right? I cant say enough good things about this film, it is one of the most under appreciated films out there right next to whoopee boys.



Monday, May 10, 2010

A Nightmare on Elm Street(2010)- Samuel Bayer

So what was good about this remake you ask? ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING! I just got Raped, Raped like the kids Fred Kruger Raped even though they didn't have the balls to just say it, white elephant in the room. Freddy is not a good dude he raped some kids. Just fucking say it, I mean we don't need a Irreversible style child rape scene but for Christs sake we are suppose to think hes a bad guy right? Who doesn't think child rape is bad? The kind of people you wanna see get burnt alive. I thought if anything Jackie Earle Haley would be a bad ass, but no go on that, he looks and sounds like Corky if he had been on the plane with Travis Barker and that DJ. Bad CGI Gods rejoice the effects in this look like shit, Jesus Christ in the original they spent like six bucks on some latex to have Freddy come out of the wall and it scared the fuck out of me, in this they probably spent thousands and it looks about as good as the E.T. game for the Atari 2600. All of the characters in this are complete fucktards. The first kill of the movie has some douche bag stab himself to death after having a psychotic episode in the middle of a diner where he keeps repeating "your not real" then his dumb bitch of a girlfriend when referencing his Elliot Smithesque demise at the funeral says " right before he died he kept saying your not real, what does that mean? Really you are that fucking retardead? It's 2010 even if you cant pick up a copy of Websters get they fuck online and look up the definition of not real, God Damn it what could not real mean, I was counting the seconds to watch this stupid bitch die, unfortunately for me once it happened it was boring as shit cuz that's how all of the kills in this Godawful excuse of a movie are executed. Freddy does make it clear he would like to "play" with two of the girls he already molested, I don't buy it, that's way to old for him, it's like me being attracted to a woman in her 80's, and unless said woman is one of the Golden Girls, that's not gonna happen. I could go on all fucking day, I feel completely ripped off. I will leave you with two things I wish had happened.

1. I wish When I was dozing off due to complete Boredom Freddy would of came into my dreams and killed me in an amazing way like the old Freddy would of, like use the Power Glove or turn me into a Puppet and make me walk off of a roof.

2. I wish Freddy would of Raped the entire Platinum Dunes Crew in the ass as hard as they raped the Nightmare Franchise.



Wednesday, May 5, 2010

The Human Centipede- Tom Six

Holy Fuck! This movie is so bad ass it will make you want to kick your grandma in her Hatchet Wound. The Surgeon is so fucking creepy and amazing. He deserves a fucking Oscar. If Sandra Bullock gets one where is the justice if he doesn't. This movie is well I cant say to much as I don't wanna ruin it. Long Story short Hitlers long lost cousin decides he is going to create the most fucked up Siamese triplets you've ever seen. Fuck Belleville these triplets is fucked. When creating a Human Centipede if you will, you gotta take in to consideration the best way to connect them. Well people tell me you shouldn't go ass to mouth, a theory I don't buy into but That's a whole different story. Well Cousin Hitler seems to share my opinion and hes like fuck it, sew em up. Now I know in theory its kinda gross. I mean its not Rocket science to figure out if the front of the pede has to release the great super villain Megaturd, where shall it end up, in pede part two's moutharoony and so on and so forth and sure that could be considered kinda gross, that's the only place I think DR Crazy went wrong. He should of went out and found a fan of the scat man. I mean just go to the shit tater store and line em up, they would be stoked. I love me some Reeses Peanut Butter Cups and if I was told I was able to have them pumped straight into my mouth as they were being made, well sign me up Mutha Fuck. Back to the point this movie is so fucking fucked up. Its like one retard riding a go cart into another retard which throws that retards mama from the train or go cart in this sitch, she lands on a baby with downs which projectile shits and hits Mother Teresa in the face, that of course makes Mother Teresa projectile vomit which hits a moving car full of Nuns, the driver of that car is so startled that he loses control of the car and crashes into Gandhi which doesn't really do anything as he just lays down and the car goes over him while he is unscratched the car ends up running into a daycare and splattering like 15 toddlers into the ground, then Bono from U2 happens to be there doing some charity bullshit and ends up slipping on the innards of the kids, he then falls into the proprietor of the daycare who falls out the window and lands on family taking their crack baby out for a walk. That's pretty much what it felt like I watched. Sure some of it is awesome and kinda fucked up but still kinda funny but you are way to intrigued to look away. This movie so so fucking good I could go on for pages comparing it to other bad ass things but I assume you get the point. If you enjoy good writing, David Cronenberg, shock Cinema, Medical Anomaly's, Freaks, or just want to see something that doesn't have Sandra Bullock or sparkly Vampires you owe to yourself to watch this badassary. You wont regret it, unless your a pussy, If this is the case I suggest you get a blow dryer and try to get all that sand out of your Vagina.