Detention- Joseph Kahn

Imagine if John Hughes and Wes Craven had one passionate night of lovemaking and Wes ended up pregnant. Jump ahead nine months and they are surprised with twins. After arguing about names such as Julius and Vincent they compromise on Greg Araki and Terrence Malick. Well, Terrence and Greg grow up and decide V.C. Andrews may have life figured out so they fall in love. Their relationship becomes stale so they go to a swingers club and meet up with a guy named Steve Pink and have a menage a trios full of bukkake and dutch rudders. Nine months later another kid is born and instead of finding out who the father is, all three decide to raise the child. They call this one Richard Kelly.  This works to their advantage as MTV decides to film an updated version of "Three Men and a Baby" for a in name only drama using them as consultants. While filming the seventh season Richard Kelly is raped by one of the producers who impregnates him. He decides to keep it and that child grows up to be Joseph Kahn. 


Until recently I was under the impression that it was going to be another self aware teen slasher horror comedy. I figured I would give it a watch but wasn't on the top of my list. While I enjoy a good slasher I wasn't expecting much. As time went on I kept reading about it and started to wonder if there was more to it. The trailer seemed pretty basic but rumblings across the internet gave me hope. When I read ten reviews and five people gave it a near perfect, while five others treated it like a Bennifer movie, well  it made me more curious than that time a home school kid found his sisters vagina. I am always on the lookout for something different but in today's day and age it is nearly impossible. I was hoping for the best but with Dane Cook being listed on the front cover I was hesitant. Having someone I don't like in a movie is not a deal breaker but it does cause me to double bag it just in case.

Within thirty seconds I knew this was not your average flick. You are quickly introduced to characters who constantly break the third wall and let you know they are in on the joke. It is done in a fairly intelligent fashion and at a pace that would give Tink Tink a run(pun intended) for his trophy, assuming it wasn't taken away from him due to his legless advantage. The editing is quick and sharp while the references are spit out of the kids mouths quicker than an alcoholics semen. I am not exaggerating this, "Detention" has enough references that even Shawn Spencer would lose track. They don't just stick to horror references either. In the first ten minutes Chopin, Predator, Sigur Ros, Spike Lee, Beverly Hills 90210 and My So Called Life are a small chunk of what is name dropped. After you kind of get used to the style and editing the story becomes more insane than Margot Kidder. Everything from a bear time machine to a dude that cums the ooze from "You Can't Do That On Television" while sporting a TV for a hand.

The acting in this is pretty well executed, especially for being such bat shit crazy subject matter. Most of the young cast pull of being the irritating hipster douche bags they are aiming for while still remaining somewhat likable. Dane Cook, who usually makes me wanna pull my own dick off , split it in two and shove my ear holes with  shredded dick meat, is surprisingly reserved and, dare I say funny.

"Detention" is not perfect. It gets ahead of itself at times and its over ambitious nature is not always realized. It is however, unique, fun, and entertaining. The jokes are as plentiful as the gore and the characters are as irritating as they are entertaining. I guess what I am trying to say is "Detention" is like that girl you're in love with even though she is kind of irritating and makes no sense.

3.5/5


-Tromeric

555- Wally Koz

     555 is another classick shot on video from the eighties.  Look at that cover. How can you not want that.  I think I saw this when I was a kid but again I watched so many of these god damn movies that sometimes I am not sure.
     Right off the bat this movie wins me over.  A score that makes me dance like a madman, not mars but still a madman.  In the opening credits there is a Frankie say relax reference. Sweet.  Best Frankie reference since Chosen.
    The acting in this is fucking wow. They talk into the camera like they are making JCVD and they have about as much emotion as BTK when he was explaining killing all those woman.  The other acting of note is the yawning. The cop yawns with about as much precision as Keanu Reeves coughs in Constantine. The killer who looks like Charles Manson and thinks he is in a Jorg Buttgereit film(cuz he fucks dead people) sounds like the breather from Student Bodies.
     The characters in this are also epic. The stereotypical detectives, the go get em reporter that talks about super gluing her snatch a cooch closed, and the diner owner who looks like Joe Piscopo with grease stains. Shit yeah I would eat at his restaurant.
     Now lets get to the important stuff. The kills. Fuck yes they are amazing.  In your face lets cut a bitch and saw a guys head off and show you all of it. None of this pussy cutaway shit in your face like cum to Jenna Jamison's face.  The blood is bright ass red and you stand up and cheer like its the end of an eighties inspirational film every time someone gets the shit killed out of them.
     This movie is a prime example of why I am glad I grew up in the eighties. No one had a shitty computer program that made them think they could be a filmmaker. The thing is they knew they weren't  and they still are like "fuck it" I got this video camera bigger than the local news uses and some red paint and girls that will get naked. Shit yeah lets make a movie.

3.5/5

Tromeric


  

Tucker & Dale vs Evil- Eli Craig

Here's the set up: a group of college kids go out in the woods to drink, smoke weed and skinny dip, but then...things take a turn for the macabre. Nothing too imaginative, right? We've all seen this movie a million times. Wrong, dead wrong. I won't spoil anything, because half the fun of this movie is how original the story is. Not only is this easily the best horror-comedy I've seen since Shaun of the Dead, but it has one of the smartest approaches to the genre I've seen in a long time. You get all the gore and fun (plus some titties, of course) that you'd expect from a typical slasher movie, plus a ton of great humor and some pretty unexpected twists and turns. Again, I can't get too specific about the details, because you really should go into this one with as little info as possible. I was lucky enough to only know the bare bones plot, and that may have been too much really. So don't go looking it up online, don't read any summaries; just sit back and enjoy the madness. If I had to complain about anything, it's that the last half hour or so is pretty predictable, but it's still a shit-ton of fun. Time will tell if it stands up to repeat viewings, but I don't see why it wouldn't. Even if it doesn't, the first time around is a fucking brilliant ride. So get yourself a copy of the movie, have a couple of drinks, and have a hell of a good time with one of the most clever horror movies I've seen in years.

4.5/5

Gabe Nye the Science Guy

30 Day Horror Challenge day 16

     Childhood theme horror.  This is a tricky subject.  There are many ways you can take this. I am guessing for the most part people are gonna jump right to The Monster Squad which is quite alright with me.  I fucking love that movie.  It pretty much captures what its like to grow up a horror nerd, unfortunately for me the part about meeting all the monsters never happened to me but god damn I wish it would of. Child's Play is another great example and one of my favorites The Gate.  When all is said and done I knew right from the start where I was going and I am sure I will get a lot of flack for it but luckily for me I just don't give a fuck. 

      I am a child of Ernest. I don't mean he fucked my mom but god damn I wish he would of.  I would of been way cooler if Ernest was my dad and that's saying a lot because I am pretty bad ass already. I mean I grew up watching all the Ernest films and TV shows.  Sure this isn't a straight horror film but when I was a kid that troll scared the shit out of me, literally I was just dumping buckets of Jolt soda out my ass. The Chiodo Brothers of Killer Klown fame crafted one gross ass scary mother fucking troll, and it may just be me but When I watched the new Troll Hunter trailer I think those Norwegians grew up with Ernest as well. The intro starts off and right away all my nerdgasms begin, I mean Ernest with Nosferatu. Shit yeah, and last but not least the music. I always get that theme stuck in my head.  I have had many days where my drunk ass just puts that song on repeat on my I tunes and I'm in Heaven. 

Tromeric

30 Day Horror Challenge day 13

     Day thirteen which is the best day as we are not doing the 666 day horror challenge.  Today we attack the horror comedy.  One of the harder genres to nail as everything has to be weighed out just right or it just doesn't work.  I can't count how many times horror comedy's end up not working as the balance is so tricky.  However there have been some great entries into the genre.  Shaun of the Dead is great and although its high on my list it didn't quite make the cut.  I may be one of the few but I love Club Dread but again not today.  When I think about horror comedy for my money(which isn't much after I return from the liquor store) you can't beat Joe Dante and most importantly.....

    The Burbs is a classic and is played like a who the fuck are my crazy neighbors film should be.  I never get sick of this Tom Hanks in by far his best role(wheres the Oscar for this fascists?) and all the suporting cast is amazing.  Corey Feldman, Bruce Dern, Carrie Fisher, Brother Theodore, Dick Miller, Courtney Malachai Gains and so many more.  This is a movie that no matter how pissed or sad or drunk I am I can put in and will have uncontrollable laughing fits.  Not to mention there is a surprising amount of tension trying to figure out just how fucked up the neighbors are. 


Tromeric

Blood on the Highway- Barak Epstein/Blair Rowan

So I went into this with very low expectations, I sift through a lot of shit and its safe to assume most of it is gonna suck Jesus balls.  So like many other days I grabbed my drank put in the disc and expected to be bored and downing my half gallon of Evan Williams to survive. Within minutes i heard lines such as "I'm gonna kick your balls right out your twat boy" and " not even vomit could tarnish that sweet ass."  With these great lines, dumb ass characters and massive amounts of gore within the first few minutes I was willing to give this cheese fest a shot.  The lines continued to crack my shit up, at first I was writing them all down but within ten minutes I realized that I didn't have the patience as they were as common as a 10 year old's smegma on the popes shaft.  This movie is by no means perfect or even close, it is however a fun ride full of blood, vampires, Nicholas Brendon, horror punk, Tom Towels, hillbillies, Attempted Bro Rape, and some of the most offensive hilarious dialogue this side of a Giuseppe Andrews film. Think Sundown date rapes Dead and Breakfast and 2000 Maniacs shows up and aborts the baby they made.  If you want quality cinema I wouldn't necessarily recommend this but if you wanna get fucked up and do fucked up things grab this disc take a few shots and have some mother fucking fun.

3.5/5

Tromeric

Night of the hell hamsters- Paul Campion

Wowbobwow. This movie is fucking high-larious, like me. These hamsters are pissed. You shoulda just fucked your boy toy, not summon a dark lord who will possess furry little critters that are hungry for balls and take acting lessons from ghoulies in college. This was one of the best 15 minutes of my life, talking animals, dick gore, flying animals, Ouija boards, tomfoolery and so much badassary I cant even explain it. Go get your ass online and watch this shit, holy fuck baby.


3.5/5

Tromeric

Lo- Travis Betz

Not at all what I expected. Creatures are kinda bad ass looking, all takes place in one room for the most part, its like panic room but better. Demons wearing Swastica patches and singing about love in a Do Wop type band. Give it a shot.

3/5

Eric

Thankskilling- Jordan Downey

This is why we stole the Indians land and slaughtered them. So we can watch sweet movies like this. Jack Frost Raped Monsturd, then The Miner from Miner's Massacre Raped The Gingerdead Man for 9 Minutes. They all had baby's and then Bukakied all over the infants. Those Infants made a movie and it was called Thankskilling. Fuck I'm so stoked on this shit. Yeah I had help from my friend Mr. Daniels but this movie sucks the right way, I laughed so hard. Holy shit if you don't suck go buy this movie and watch it every Turkey Day. Fucking funny as fuck. FUCK...

3/5

Eric

Zombieland- Ruben Fleischer

What about Bob? Amazing. One of the best intros since The Last Boy Scout. All Zombie killings should be in surrealistic Slo-Mo. Woody Harrelson Fucking Rules. "Wanna feel how hard I can Punch?" I laughed so hard I gave myself a Pink Sock, then I kept laughing and my Pink Sock kind of got some motion in it and I ended up slapping the person behind me in the face with my Pink Sock. They ended up puking, and the person next to them puked, and next to them. It was like a big Stand by me moment. Anyways back to Zombieland. Fun fucking movie, great cast, great effects, something a little different. Watch this shit yo.

3.5/5

Eric

Stan Helsing- Bo Zenga/Dead Snow-Tommy Wirkola(Guest Reviews by Gabe)

So today we have a couple of Guest Reviews from Gabe Nye the Science Guy

If you're like me you want to take a huge shit on the recent "___ movie" genre. The obnoxious attempts to parody popular movies that inspire no laughs and a lot of hate towards the filmmakers. The Scary Movie series really kicked this off, and they are some of the worst. On the other hand, I have nothing but love for the old school parody movies, Mel Brooks is a god among men, and the old Naked Gun and Airplane movies are pure genius. It seems to me that the last really good parody movie was Repossesed. Well, now we finally have another one worth watching. Is it as good as the old Brooks or Leslie Nielson movies? No, but it's a damn sight closer than anything in a long time. Hell, good ol' Leslie has a pretty hilarious role in Stan Helsing even.

As far as plot goes, take all the major slashers (Freddy, Jason, Pinhead, etc...) and make them just a little different with sort of retarded jokes built in (Freddy wears a "flava flav" clock and has a swiss army glove, "Pleatherface" has a leaf blower). Then, make a lot of immature slapstick/fart/dick jokes at the protagonists' expense, in the best way possible. It's not a "good" movie, but it's a lot of fun, and it reminded me of the ones I watched all the time as a kid, and that's what matters. Get a few drinks, keep in mind that dick and fart jokes are still super funny, no matter how old you are, and you'll have a great time.

3/5

Gabe Nye the Science Guy




Fuck, I feel like I had been waiting for this movie for practically my whole life. Nothing goes together in my mind better than Nazis and Zombies. It's the fucking reese's peanut butter cup of the horror world to me. Unfortunately for everyone, there just haven't been any truly great Nazi Zombie movies made yet. (I admit I haven't seen all of them, and there are a few that I've been told are pretty decent, so don't get pissed if there's already one you love.) This isn't the most original execution of the horror genre, a bunch of attractive young adults go hang out in a cabin on a mountain. They proceed to drink and fuck, natch, and even get a visit from a sort of creepy old guy that tells them all of the important "evil Nazis buried under the snow" information that the audience needs. Complete with a "don't awake the ancient evil" warning.

Soon enough Nazi Zombies are killing motherfuckers left and right, and getting re-killed themselves. So, pretty basic stuff there, but it still manages to impress. There are some pretty awesome kills, both for the zombies and the teens, and some pretty good use of intestines, something that I feel is severely underused in zombie movies. The gore is great, the zombies look sweet, and I had a grin on my face pretty much the whole time. Also, there's a ton of metal on the soundtrack, not all of it is great, but I think we can all agree that there needs to be more metal in horror movies.

P.S. this is a Norwegian movie, so if you're one of those people that can't deal with subtitles you might want to steer clear until you find a dubbed version. But, seriously, grow the fuck up and learn to read. I was trashed and I still managed to read all the dialog and watch all the kills, it ain't rocket science people.

4/5

Gabe Nye the Science Guy

Jenifer's Body- Karyn Kusama

Juno with monsters and bad Indie Rock, well the Monsters part is new. Jenifer and her friend go see a shitty indie show and they pull a great white and afterward s for some reason Jennifer thinks its a good idea to get in the van like Rollins. With all that said, I had a super fun party time watching this. Not a masterpiece, but if you enjoy fun and like attractive woman then give it a watch. Diablo Cody writes an entertaining script and overall its a worthy entry into the Horror Comedy Genre.


3/5


Eric

Spaced Invaders- Patrick Read Johnson

Holy Shit I love this movie way more than I should, I have loved this movie since I rented it on my way home from school in the fifth grade, Royal Danno plays pretty much the same character he played in killer klowns from outer space. The aliens are fucking hilarious, “or in your case a whole loaf of toast” Fucking genius. I could go on and on but if you enjoy aliens who invade the wrong planet due to the war of the worlds broadcast and make sweet jokes written for a ten year old while a crazy old man with a dog tries to save his farm from a rich asshole by proving the existence of aliens cinema like I do than I suggest tracking this down in the nearest best buy $5.99 section and sit back and laugh your balls or vah-JJ off

4/5

Eric

Aliens in the Attic- John Schultz

From the director of the making of Jurassic Park comes the best kids alien invasion movie since Spaced Invaders. Holy shit son, I was so fucking stoked on this, or in the words of Steph, Stocked, like a grocery store. These aliens are fucking funny. Fucking buddy from wings and spideys boss are pissed and they can make sweet video game characters. Grandma from Grandmas boy can matrix fight. I laughed my balls off. Andy Richter, holy shit i love this dude, hes like do what you want, Tim meadows is like I'm a cop, get drunk and enjoy this great fucking movie, Kevin Nealon isn't stoned enough, Tiny Martianzilla fight, its like mothra vs high school the musical. Boner Jamz o9...

3.5/5


Eric

Tremors- Ron Underwood

So giant worms with mouths that look like vagina dentata attack from below and tear shit up. Fucking Awesome. What are these things you ask, they are Graboids obviously. And Kevin Bacon and the dude from Family ties are here to kick the ass, and that they do. I fucking love this movie; I don’t really know what else to say. If you haven’t seen this you have been living under a rock, and you better get the fuck out cuz I think I feel a tremor, and that means a Graboid is gonna eat your balls, or your poon, or both if your Jaime Lee Curtis

4/5
Eric

The Burbs- Joe Dante

WALTER!!!!! Bruce Dern is a bad ass…. one of Tom Hanks only good film’s, aside from Mazes and Monsters of course. Malaki has a hot girlfriend, Cory Feldman knows how to party…Princess Laya wants to go to the cabin but Hanks aint havin it…he would rather smoke cigars, drink beer and spy on the crazy neighbors. Who wouldn’t? What’s the best thing that can happen at the cabin? You get molested…oooohhh fun… Joe Dante is still in his prime at this point with the perfect blend of humor and creepy…good thing he did the loony toons movie…that helped his career.

4/5

Tromeric