Guts and Grog Tooned Up

Monday, June 27, 2011

Behemoth- David Hogan

     Mr. Gable is doing a MANEATER week over at his place. What else do you do for fourth of July week that doesn't involve wanting to get out of taxes and covering blankets in smallpox?  I myself can't think of anything so of course I jumped in, as any chance I get to watch shitty movies with shitty animals that fuck shit up is right up my alley. So up my alley we go.
     MANEATER is basically the asylums retarded little brother on food stamps, and I don't mean the new hi tech credit card style. I mean old ass monopoly money food stamps. If you haven't figured out what I am saying it is that the MANEATER series is basically amazing.
     Behemoth is a disaster movie with a gigantic Graboid Medusa monster causing quakes and making the CW"S guest star line ups boobs to shake. A whole lot of other TV actors round out this cast of badassary, most notably William B. Davis who doesn't even smoke one cigarette.
     MANEATER like the asylum are not necessarily "great" films but they are super entertaining and they have so much heart Harry Warden is probably nearby waiting to give them the pick axe. Recommended only to people with severe problems that enjoy fun shitty sinema if that's not you I suggest you get a wrench and unscrew your asshole a bit because it is wound up tighter than that "special" kids toy he got from McDonald's.



Friday, June 24, 2011

The Deadly Spawn- Dougles Mckeown

     Giant penis alien monsters chew up bitches and devour young children. Its like a catholic preschool. One of my favorite films from the eighties, it has it all. Splatter bloody fun and gigantor nipples.



Dead Alive- Peter Jackson

     Before he made that trilogy that lasts longer than a pedophile trying to fuck a twenty year old Peter Jackson made some of the most important entry's in the splatter genre.
     Zombie Priests, zombie babys, fucking zombie priests, rat monkeys, puss pudding, giant bitches, lawnmowers  and more splatter than a bukake film. 



From Beyond- Stuart Gordon

     The man that brought us Re- Animator, Dagon, Castle Freak and of course Honey I shrunk the Kids uses some surprising source material with an H.P. Lovecraft story(that's sarcasm).
    Gooey, gory, slimy and sexy this is a perfect example of what makes the 80s so amazing.  Jeffery Combs and Barbra Crampton reunite after Re-Animator and this time they are joined by Ken Foree. Ken Foree is tuff as shit in most movies, not in this. He acts like he is but then he goes down like Macaulay Culkin and I don't mean like that one time at MJ's house I mean like Wu Tang....Killa Bees. Aside from that this movie is bad ass and should be watched by all.



The Beyond- Lucio Fulci

     The Italian splatter master delivers in one of his best.  If I wasn't comparing it to his other work it would be perfect but its still damn close. 
     Demons, Seeing eye dogs ripping out jugulars(unfortunately not Juggalos), gingers getting their head the fuck shot off, spiders ripping out eyeballs and tearing away faces.  Those are just  a few highlights of what granddaddy Fulci brings to the table. Kathrine MacCOLL   and David Warbeck bring it and the music is amazing as always in Italy. 



Saturday, June 18, 2011

Mega Python vs Gatoroid- Mary Lambert

      The director of Pet Semetary brings possibly the best of the Mega movies.  The Asylum just keep getting bigger and better.
     Debbie Gibson liberates a bunch of snakes and Out of the Blue(see what I did there) decides to free them in a pond like two feet out of town. They get big and eat shit so Tiffany gives some gators roid rage and people start getting eaten, including Tiffany's boy toy, yes I think Tiffany is alone now(I did it again).Its go time and all the redneck hunters are out for snake blood. It was like Swamp People without Troy and CGI gators. Gators get bigger and Snakes get longer. CHAOS.
     As I have said many times I love The Asylum. They got this movie right. It starts right off the bat. The gators look bad ass and its got plenty of funny moments. It's nonstop kill after kill after hilarious bad acting with creatures that will fuck your shit up.  You will witness the most epic fight scene ever. It gives They Live a run for its money.  Their is a montage to what I assume is a Debbie Gibson song that is fanfuckingtabolous.  Animation, science and gators growing at a rapid rate. Debbie Gibson in a white wet short ass dress and Tiffany's boobs are always in lens.
      I suggest all get a sixer put this on and just sit back and be entertained.



Saturday, June 11, 2011

Super 8- J.J. Abrams

    I walked into the theater a thirty one year old bad ass and within minutes of Super 8 had reverted back to child.  I mean seriously, when I went in there that camp counselor(yeah that one) would want nothing to do with my ass but Super 8 turned me into a kid, I shrank right there and I was 12 again, dick and all .  The counselor would not of been able to resist me the entire time I was watching it. Just a twelve year old with a rocking boner.
    I am not going to give away anything. The trailer gives away the perfect amount and I will not be guilty of ruining this. I will just say a few things.  Yes the monster is bad ass. Its frightening and still feels human at points.  The acting is great. The effects are amazing. Its a coming of age movie that should of been made in the time it is set. I knew these kids. I rode my BMX bike to their house to talk/study/watch/make movies with them. It is Stand by Me meets Alien. Its Spaced Invaders meets Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Its The Monster Squad meets E.T.. Its The Goonies meets Predator.
     Everything is top notch in every way. Get a big ass tub of popcorn, some friends and sit back and enjoy two hours of epic bliss.  



Bad Movie Netflix Marathon of Awesome

     A couple months in the making and last Saturday it was finally time. I got off work and made a trip to the store to get the essentials, by essentials I of course mean snacks, beer and booze. I was set, I had all my snacks and booze, a laptop, my Ipod, my PS3 and my Netflix cued up.  It was go time. I watched a couple of episodes of 1000 ways to Die in anticipation for this epic night I was about to embark upon.  While they were playing I had a few beers and started shitting all over Facebook and Twitter reminding everyone to drop whatever they were doing to join in on the fun.  My friend over at 365HorrorMovie informed me he was gonna run to the store to get some rum and would join us for the first film. I of course knew once he started there was no quitting but I let him go ahead believing he could watch just one. It was getting close, I got my group set up to make it easier for keeping up with everyone.  What started with four had become seven.  We had of course me, the previously mentioned 365HorrorMovie, Morbidementia, our host Mr. Gable, Mrs. Gable, Vincent, and GlitterNinja.  The rules were simple. We would all watch specific movies at specific times while drinking the grog and we would post our smart ass opinions on Twitter. It was our version of Mystery Science Theater 3000 for the modern age.  I even drunkenly sent Michael J Nelson a twat explaining what we were doing. No response though. I like to think that he would of joined in if he wasn't busy but I will never know. Anyways back to the rules. We would use the #badnetflix hashtag to keep them in one area in the world on twitter, aside from Vincent who decided it was a #badnetlfix, I am guessing that was the boozed up frappuccinos he was partaking of. What happened as we got going was magic. I instantly was having  a blast. Seven people in different parts of the country and even multiple timezones were watching these shitty/awesome movies at the same time. It felt like we were all crammed in one shitty basement. I can't even describe the fun it was.  We did three movies and while some where better than others I enjoyed the whole thing.
     We started with Farcry. A movie by my master Dr. Uwe Boll. Shockingly it is based of a video game. Dr. Boll will be branching out later this year when his movie, that I am guessing will offend the whole world Auschwitz comes out. Back to Farcry. Wow. Its a piece of shit. Boll always gets a budget which some may find shocking but I will continue to watch his shit till I am withered up and dying.  As 365HorrorMoive pointed out its probably not fair to riff an Uwe movie but fuck it, we make our own rules.

Next up we went for the Moon. Well Herc through a bear there at least.  The man that brought the splatter classic Contamination directs the Hulk in this insane but fucking amazing tale of Hercules.  Yeah he throws a bear in space and lots of other insane things happen.  This movie was a blast and should be experienced by all. Vincent even drew an epic picture that I must share with the world of one of the  greatest moments on celluloid   

     We ended the night with RetarDead. Yes it is about tarded zombies. Yes its as bad as it sounds. Yes I am glad I watched it. It was the end and most of us were pretty far deep in the drunk tank, which is probably the only reason we survived this. I only recommend this to the truest appreciators of bad cinema. It is from the man that brought us Monsturd which was shit, pun intended. It was however shit I enjoyed the shit out of. Wow that's a lot of shit. Yes good shit.
The remains of the evening.
      Well there is a rundown(minus the Rock) of one of the greatest nights on the internet, patent pending from Mr. Gable.  I will leave you with a few of the twat highlights of the night.


"I sense a sequel- Farcry 2: Emilio takes Manhattan."

"Wow, Powder really buffed up." (twat of the night in my opinion)

"This chariot is gayer than Charles Nelson Riley,  Rip Taylor, and Richard Simmons combined."


"Magic pants dance, when is Bowie suppose to enter?"

"Rainbow Bright was in charge of Cinematography."


"This movie is a Farcry.....from awesome."

"Special Army. I hope they have one of those in RetarDead."

"This movie Uwe's you an hour."

"I wish Hercules would show up and throw this movie into outer space. "


"You shouldn't make jokes about being rated 2/10 in a movie that's rated 2/10."

"I think the princess just creamed her burka."

"Whats at the end of rainbows? Not pots of gold, not gay pride parades. Hell. Hell is at the end of Rainbows."


"Wait, and Uwe Boll movie? Is that even fair?"

"Id rather lick semen samples of windows than listen to this sheriff."


"Metaphorical boning at least."

"Well at least RetarDead makes you glad its over."

"You just bent my erection."


"I would let Udo Forcibly make me a dendrophilliac. Is that weird?"

"Uwe was inspired by Cobra Triangle for this boat scene."

"I would shoot a load of rainbow bullets out me cock if Dolph showed up."

"So does a RetarDead  Zombie like eating its own ear?"

"Jim Wynorski would role his eyes at this."

"That was kinda like the strip poker scene in Terror Toons. It went on for like a half hour and no one lost. Except  me."

After drunk Netflix party's full of booze this is all I need.

    Well there you have it. A great fucking night in review.  I know we will be doing this again with more people and I highly suggest anyone that can join in. It was more fun than I could ever put into writing. Like all good things it had to end, once it did I was very ready. I had a full day of waiting on people and I was drunker than my dad was when I was born.  I made my way to the house of nerd and passed the fuck out. Till next time bitches.


Saturday, June 4, 2011

Ghoulies 3: Ghoulies go to College- John Carl Buechler

      We have a guest review from Mr. Gable. If you wanna no bad movies get your asses over there. He is the authority.

     I'm drunk. and I just watched quite possibly the greatest fucking drinking movie of all time. Ghoulies 3. I need to thank Master Grog for pointing out to me that this movie owns. I own the movie on VHS and its just kinda been sitting there and had it not been for his probably would have sat there until I owned all 4.

Which is completely UNNECESSARY.

Fucking watch this, if your bad movie cock doesn't grow 10 inches you're too much of a fucking pussy to exist.


So this movie is just one wild fucking prank ride after another! It's corny, its crazy, its fucking ghoulies. They come out of a toilet. That was kind of the gimmick of the first one. But here we are in part 3, and even though I haven't seen part 2, part 3 exploits the shit out of the toilet. They just can't FIT IN enough shit jokes. It's just so AWESOME.

Ghoulies 3 is what I would describe as the bastard love child of Gremlins, Animal House, the 3 stooges, and Charles Band's Full Moon brand of insanity. John Carl Buechler, the director of Ghoulies 3, is a long time associate of Charles Band. Although Band has nothing to do with Ghoulies 3 (aside from INVENTING ghoulies in the first place) Buechler definitely brings Bands influence to this flick. Buechler HAS worked with Band on films like Troll and The Dungeonmaster. Insane fucking movies. Ghoulies different.

If you are looking for A GOOD TIME, I mean a visual EYEGASM, Ghoulies 3 is where its at. I had my reservations, so much so that I found reasons NOT to watch Ghoulies 3, but in all honesty, I was won over in the first 3 minutes. This movie is bad movie GOLD. Every minute is better than the last 5 minutes. Fucking watch it. And do it drunk. You'll laugh so much harder.

Mr. Gable

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Trollhunter- André Øvredal

     Found footage movies have been pretty fucking over saturated since Paranormal Activity. Most of the time they are a one time watch.  Cannibal Holocaust is the best found footage movie and is missing the credit it is due. Blair Witch gets it all. The first time I saw Blair Witch it scared the shit out of me. Now it is kinda lame.  The August Underground movies are the new classic found footage movies in my opinion. This is all pointless drunken back story.
     Trollhunter is kind of a slow start.  I get kind of bored with the shaky video footage bullshit. I can ignore all that because these  trolls are so fucking rad. Its like Fraggle Rock if they ate more bitches and hated Jesus Freaks.  Love it.
     Norway has sweet Black Metal and Santa story's . Now they can add awesome Troll movie to their list. Way to go Norway.



The Shrine- Jon Knautz

     Jack Brooks Monster Slayer is one of my favorite modern monster movies so I was super excited when I heard about this.  I went into it not knowing to much but was pleasantly surprised.
      A bit of a slow start, not boring but uneventful.  Once it gets going its has so much badassness it could tame a lion.  I don't know what that means but it rules.
     The Exorcist fucks The Evil Dead.  A baby is made.  That baby grows up and starts playing Resident Evil four.  It takes  a break from that and writes Jack Brooks Monster Slayer.
     Slow burning bad ass cult, demon, kill that shit awesomeness.  I cannot wait for Jack Brooks 2. This is a nice in between. SATAN!



The Woman- Lucky McKee

     Go find the video of the dude freaking out at Sundance over The Woman. This guy is a douche. You know it right away.  There is no way any movie can be this bad.  I love Lucky McKee. I love Jack Ketchum. I have been waiting for this for a while now.  Offspring was great I read the book in one sitting and the movie while low budget was a good effort. This however I had high hopes for.  Did it live up?  Well read the review you fucks.
     The follow up to Offspring which was the follow up to Off Season which was never made into a  film.  This Bill Paxton look alike sees a hot dirty cannibal wackadoo bathing in the river. He captures her and chains her up and gets his family to help teach her the ways of the world.  That is as much of a plot synopsis you will get from me. 
     I won't lie, for the first half hour or so I was a little worried that I had built this up to much.  I wasn't sure where it was going and I had my doubts.  Then all of a sudden this took my insides and ripped them out and they pretty much stayed there for the next hour.  Everyone has seen the guy at Sundance freaking out and throwing a hissy about this. Well if he would of just been patient he could of maybe been stoked like I was.  Yes it starts out a little slow, yes at first you feel like the worst person ever and if someone walked in they would think you were the most misogynistic person on the planet. Well be patient you fuck it will get better.
    Once this was over I was literally jumping up and down with excitement. The beginning is important as it makes you appreciate the end that much more.  It is like when you take a girl home and you have whiskey dick. At first she is trying and trying and working it so hard but it seems like its pointless.  Then out of nowhere it hits and it is the best thing that has ever happened to you, you just keep getting more excited till you can't hold it in anymore and next thing you know she looks like the girl from Flashdance.