Guts and Grog Tooned Up

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale- Jalmari Helander

     Oh Christmas.  A day that is supposedly to celebrate the birth of some crazy hippie who liked to hang out with pro's and get his feet washed buy vagrants.  It also is a day that causes mass consumerism and makes people stand in lines at the ass crack of dawn to save ten bucks on a season of The Jersey Shore.  While these aspects of Christmas aren't my thing, no I don't beleive that some dude in the sky fucked a virgin while she was asleep and then she gave birth to Charles Manson or whoever the fuck he was.  That story was told before by the original dungeon master.  Anyways all I am saying is Jesus was a douche and Jersey Shore is lame.  With that said, I love Christmas.  I love buying my friends fucked up posters of a Serbian Film, sex toys, drug paraphernalia, stuffed dead things and action figures of serial killers.  I also love drinking ski lifts while wrapping all these gifts while watching bad ass movies like the Silent Night Deadly Night series, Christmas Evil, or even Jingle all the way or Ernest Scared Stupid.  I love listening to A John Waters Christmas, the Tales from the Crypt Christmas album, or No Presents for Christmas by a God that does exist AKA King Diamond.   Well kids it looks like there is another movie to add to that list. Rare Exports is destined to sit on your shelf with Santas Slay, Gremlins and all the previous mentioned classics.  
     Rare Exports starts off with Oskar from Let the Right One In and Tim from Near Dark, or at least their long lost cousins spying on the evil Americans who may of just found what they were looking for.  Santa.  This Santa is pissed.  The head honcho gives a list of new safety rules that look like it was made up by Col. Phelps for Barney and Jake to follow.  We now jump ahead where all the local hunters are ready to catch them some reindeer. I assume to send to Helper Elmes so Ernest can save Christmas but we will save that for the sequel. There is a problem so they head up to the site to ask some hard questions but shockingly there is no one there so they go eat some ginger bread and wear sweet clothes.  Cousin Oskar goes out to take a piss and sees the bait is gone that dangled over dads bad ass wolf trap.  Dad goes to see whats in the whole? Whats in the whole?  It's obviously Santa Claus and like I said earlier hes pissed.  Now the movie really gets going and I dont want to ruin anything else so I will just say Cousin Oskar becomes John McClain and him and all the dads cause some havoc without naked Anne Hathaway.
       Rare Exports is a hard one to explain.  It is in a world of its own, it is kind of a ridiculous subject matter to attack yet it is played as straight as David Carradines dick when he got food caught in his throat. It is nonstop fun, well acted and  like nothing you have ever seen before.  The filmmakers threw reality to the hounds and opted for a film that just makes you feel good.  Its like Hoosiers but with gutted reindeer, hundreds of naked old men flopping about and ear biting.



Friday, November 26, 2010

Hanger- Ryan Nicholson

     So the man that brought us Gutterballs returns with this revenge?, shock, gore fest.
     Debbie Rochon got knocked up because the dude with Pinocchio's nose hates jimmy hats. Her pimp who is a little more hardcore than Butters, tells her to to take care of that shit. It's gross, no one wants to fuck a fat chick with a baby up there. What he doesn't understand is there are plenty of people that love that shit. She doesn't do it because she loves this thing she has never met.  Her pimp gives her the pimp hand for disobeying. If she would of just listened this whole thing could of been avoided. Doesn't she know we are in America?  Abortion is one of the most underused things that that Lee Greenwood dude wrote a song to protect.  Not to be insensitive but I am OK that she died.  Every time a hooker doesn't get her bastard child aborted Osama Bin Laden wins. Freedom isn't free people.  Anyways since pimp buddy is pissed he decides to take matters into his own hands. He punches that bitch and shoves  a coat hanger right up her snatchadoodle in full on close up mode in what one would call one of the highlights of the film. She is a pussy and can't handle a wee little coat hanger and dies but the baby survives and some homeless dude that was still around from the Street Trash set finds it and raises it.
     We now jump ahead 18 years where we meet back up with botched abortion who meets up with his dad.  His dad gets him a job picking up trash with hybrids of the cast of What is it and Tank Girl.  The boss is a super hot fake titted secretary looking lady who likes to light candles get naked and bang herself with a Hello Kitty pen while laying on top of her desk where her transient employees can just walk up and check  out the show.  Lots of crazy shit happens.  Tampon teabag, Santa fucks an Asian sped in the ass till he shits, a pro slimes her finger and gives daddy a snatch stash and so much more.
        Nicholson loves horror and it shows. He likes to shock, offend and surprise.  This movie is no exception.  It is far from perfect, for a revenge tale there is little to no revenge.  It changes nothing for the genre. The acting could be better, the story dissipates into shock and strays away from plenty of places it could of and probably should of went.  With all that said there is plenty of good here as well, just look above to find out.  Hanger is a mildly fun watch that anyone who wants to be disgusted or mildly entertained for 90 minutes should give a chance. If your looking for something to add to your best lists I would say skip this.  With all of the shocking subject matter and disgusting effects this ends up being rather forgettable and repetitive by the end.  Long story short. You will be grossed out, its fun to have a beer and show your friends, the next morning you will forget it just like that girls name who is laying next to you with a crying bloody fetus trying to run away but cant get anywhere because of the umbilical chord its attached to.



Friday, November 12, 2010

Enter the Void- Gasper Noe

     I have been waiting for this for a long time.  After seeing Irreversible in 2001 I couldn't wait to see what he would do next. It wasn't to long after I saw Irreversible that I started hearing talk of a new film then jump ahead a Christ age and a half and we finally get Enter the Void.  It has been playing here for two weeks and due to scheduling conflicts and other factors(Alcohol) I just finally made it out tonight, which is good as it was the last showing in town.
     I'll set a mood for you of how my evening panned out which definitely added to the experience. I woke up this morning and it was so fucking cold my balls had retracted into my throat.  I grabbed a blanket turned on the TV so I could catch up on my stories.  I then went out for a cigarette which did not help the cold situation at all but was a risk I was willing to take. It took me about 4 hours to finally get my body temperature back up to at least what is normal for me. I spent my day watching my stories(Ugly Americans, The Walking Dead, South Park, among many more) and then sat down to enjoy the special features on my Anti-Christ disc.  Chainsawdomy got home from slinging discs all day so we made some food and set out on our journey.  It was of course raining because that is what it does for the next nine months we were blasting Fall of Efrafa's Elil and making our epic journey.  We found parking, walked down to the theater and as luck would have it got in early and for free thanks to a good dude we ran into.  We then go into the theater and they are blasting Julee Cruise's Floating into the Night which definitely sets the mood very nicely as I assume I am about to get raped in the brain. We grab our seats and at first they seem great until a bunch of fucktards start crowding in. I got stuck next to this smelly ass mother fucker who didn't agree with the fact that my coat needed its own seat. I told him it did but got sick of the drunken gaze he gave and caved and let him sit which wasn't the best move as he smelled of butthole.  Take a shower people. It was finally time, after years of anticipation I was finally here.  I knew in the next two and a half hours my brain was gonna feel all kinds of things. Kind of like a school girl who falls in love, gets one of those do you like me yes, no or maybe notes and is having the time of her life and feels as everything is right in the world and then bam, she is raped by 74 crazy methheads. 
    Well now that I accidentally included my journal entry for the day I will move onto the movie.
Gasper Noe has set himself a place as one of the most innovative filmmakers alive. His angles and edits are so mind blowing.  Enter the Void is no different, some of the shit he pulls off here will blow your fucking mind apart. You know it right from the opening credits that basically drill it into your head in what might be the most in your face credits you have ever seen, you know right from then that Noe is not fucking around. He wants to get to it even at the risk of giving half of the audience a seizure in the process. We now are in an apartment with a brother and sister, this is totally done P.O.V.  not the P.O.V. I am used to as there are far less choking and gagging sounds. Right from the start though you are Oscar, you feel what he does, you see what he does, I think I may of gotten high with him as well I'm not sure but it kind of felt like it. William Castle would be jealous. Anyways I feel that this was a very good choice on Noe's part and definitely helps establish mood he is setting. Now for the rest of the hundred and fifty minutes we are on this journey with Oscar and can't escape if we want to.  I will stop at that as you must take this journey yourself as it is a way better ride if you don't know what is about to rip you apart.
     Enter the Void is a long and tiring ride but one that everyone should take.  It takes you on a range of emotions, it makes you sick, it makes you laugh, it makes you jump.  Is this a perfect movie? No, but damn close. Is this better than I Stand Alone or Irreversible? At this point I would say no but with more viewings I may change my mind. I doubt it but this does deserve your attention. It is a long ride, my ass hurts bad. I don't know if my ass has felt this much pain since that time at summer camp but that's what those ass donuts are for. 

That may be my longest and often quite off subject review yet.  I channeled my inner Vern. 



Friday, November 5, 2010

Razortooth- Patricia Harrington

     I love shitty giant animal movies.  I do.  I also love Unagi.   So as far as I am concerned this movie is fucking awesome.  It is shit, the eel looks like the the offspring if all of the snake monsters from Buffy mixed their semen in a big vat, cooked it on a spoon and injected it in the Freddy snake monster.  It doesn't matter though. 
    Lots of kills, some pretty god damn amazing for instance the fat hillbilly getting treated like the cast of Alive.  We all must eat a little ass from time to time.  Jackass could up the ante with this little stunt.  The acting is pretty bad and the music is mostly stolen. 
     All in all this is garbage but I fucking love it.



Whats your take Mr Nye?

     If you’re anything like me (and let’s face it, you know you want to be) you love awful, straight to dvd monster movies with terrible CGI. Movies like frankenfish, mega shark vs giant octopus, and mega piranha. This one is every bit as good as the ones I just mentioned. The giant eel that is terrorizing the swamp looks simply dreadful as far as CGI goes, but the design is spot on. There is a surprisingly high death toll, unlike most of these no-budget creature features. They must’ve splurged on some extra extras. The gore may be terrible, but it’s fun, and that’s what matters. A stereotypical redneck meets his “end” in a hilarious manner that is worth the price of admission alone. The only downside I can think of is an obviously public domain score, stolen from my favorite iPhone horror trivia game, along with a bunch of rejected songs from the Singles soundtrack. This one, like many of our reviews from tonight, is available to stream through Netflix, and you could do a lot worse. I would love to give this a five out of five, just for the fun factor, but I know too much about good movies and can’t do so in good conscience.


Gabe Nye the Science Guy

The Horror Show- James Issac

     This movie is so underrated.  It was marketed as House 3 which isn't a bad thing as I love the House movies.  It however like Halloween 3 has nothing to do with the franchise it is named after.  The thing is, it doesn't matter.  Think of it as House 3, think of it as The Horror Show a complete stand alone film, think of it as your moms mangina.  It doesn't matter this is pure 80's gold. It is so much gold you could make a back up pair of dentures for Lil Jon.
    Frank Black(not from the Pixies) has some dreams, in this dream a scary ass dude with a skullet has a cleaver that can cut threw anything, it's like the Ginsu of cleavers.  Anyways he wakes up and somehow this dude has actually drawn blood. I wonder how, oh yeah because Jim Issac has Seen Nightmare on Elm St.  Dr. Jarret now goes off to see mc skullet get the chair.  The movie now twists into Shocker as Issac also saw that craven movie. Now Ed Harley is a little freaked and starts going a little nuts. His family is concerned but they love him.   Bishop is eventually expected of murder and he has to save his family.  That is the basic synopsis.
      This movie owns as much as the white man owned Kunta Kinte.  KNB serves up some amazing effects.  The electrocution, the pregnancy, and the fucking turkey. Blood Freak would be jealous. This movie takes everything amazing about the 80's and rolls it up into a dumpling.  Now that you know about Bai Lings aborted fetus lets get back to the horror show.
     No, I mean it. Go fucking watch it.



Gabe Nye what do you think?  I just wanna point out that your thinking is a bit off as you state that House 3 has nothing to do with the first 3 House movies.   Your science may be tight but your math is not.  I revoke your mathlete status.

     Fantastic movie, absolutely great entertainment. Sure, it has nothing to do with the first three House movies, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a lot of fun to watch. You’ve got Lance Henriksen versus one of the crazy replicants from blade runner, some really mind blowing special effects, and a surprisingly original story. If nothing else, you need to see the turkey scene, absolutely top-notch. Not a whole lot else to say, but if you’ve held off on watching this one just because it’s a “part III” or because you couldn’t find it, you’ve got no excuse now. I’ve told you it’s awesome, and you can stream it through Netflix. Watch it now, even if you’ve never seen the first two House movies, and thank me later.


Gabe Nye the Science Guy

Hausu- Nobuhiko Obayashi

     One time I beer bonged like a gallon of mushroom tea.  I saw some shit that made no sense.  It made my body and mind feel real funny like.  Don't know why but I kinda liked it.
      One time I watched a movie where some girls go to one girls dead aunts house and hang out with a cat named after a golden girl and disappear one by one. They do kung fu and sing and fly and talk a bunch of shit that makes little sense. Don't know why but I kinda liked it.
      These two stories are both true and made me feel the same way.  Hausu is insane, every time I watch it I say what the fuck more times than the last.  I have heard this described as an episode of Scooby Doo as directed by Mario Bava.  This is the best description of Hausu and I don't even feel like coming up with anything as this sums it up perfectly.



Gabe Nye slap your science on us.

     I honestly don’t have a fucking clue what happened in this movie. Sure, I’ve had a few drinks, but I don’t think any amount of sobriety would give me insight into this one. It’s insane, and has something to do with a haunted house and some Japanese schoolgirls, but that’s about all I can tell you plot-wise. What I can tell you is that it is ridiculous, over the top, cartoonish, hilarious, and just plain fun to watch. Miike must be a huge fan of this flick, that’s practically the only way to explain Happiness of the Katakuris and Visitor Q. Criterion just put out an awesome edition of this, and it’s well worth shelling out the cash for it.


 Gabe Nye the Science Guy

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Night of the Scarecrowp- Jeff Burr

     Not to be confused with the classic made for TV movie from the 70's this is however in its own right a classic.  I use the term classic very loosely, perhaps even as loose as that missing boy that was found in the trunk of the popes Cadillac.
     Lets see here, there is a town, and a scarecrow that kinda looks like Sam from Trick r Treat caused ruckus. This guy is a bad ass, he sews a priests lips shut. I am assuming to keep him from all the unwanted rim jobs he received as a child. Who am I to judge though?  Seriously though this movie is so fucking bad ass.  It makes me wanna rape baby: secret of the lost legend till her butt hole bleeds more than Jesus that time he had Ebola.
     Jeff Bur as I have said before is the king of sequels. This guy has made more sequels than Hitler has filled ashtrays. This is one of his few stand alone movies and it for some reason has never been given the DVD treatment. It is an unjust world we live in.  Fuckholes like Ron Howard and Stephen Spielberg get to keep making movies and movies like this stay locked in the stone ages with VHS.  
     This was watched back during the epic 50 days of horror I participated in back in 2004 and had the best review written for it by the grimace but unfortunately that was lost along with all the other reviews in the great flood of 04.  When I say flood of 04 I mean the time I woke up in my trailer in the heart of winter to water spraying me out of a frozen pipe which covered me and all my clothes among other things including the stack of notebooks with 1000's of reviews in ice cold water and left me sitting on the porch in a trailer court in my underwear with snow falling on ceders, and by ceders I mean my exposed balls. 
     I think I have lost focus, probably because I have had more spider bites than William Shattner did in Kingdom of the Spiders.  Watch this it is part awesome, part awful and all fun.



Gabe Nye lets do this. 

     It had been a good six years or so since the last time I watched this movie, and I had some pretty fond memories of it. Sure I was drunk when I watched it, and it was in the midst of a horror marathon that lasted for 50 days, but it really stuck out as a winner to me at the time. So, what do I think now? Well, I’m still drunk, but I’d have to say that this movie fucking rules. I really can’t believe how few people I’ve talked to have even heard of this one, let alone watched it. It’s an instant classic. Tits, cool death scenes, and motherfuckin’ Stephen Root. That’s right; Milton from office space is the town sheriff. How can you go wrong with that? Seriously though, this movie really deserves to have a big cult following. It’s tons of fun. Plus, it’s on Netflix instant streaming, so you’ve got no excuse not to catch up on this forgotten gem from a time when good horror movies were few and far between. (the 90’s, natch).


Gabe Nye the Science Guy

Cannibal Girls- Ivan Reitman

     This used to be one of the hardest movies in the world to find.  Now it is just a  movie that makes me hard.  Shout factory continues to be one one of the coolest company's ever with their ability to release shit I have been wanting forever.
     One of Reitman's earliest films is a lot more subtle on the humor than you would expect if you are comparing it to such classics as Ghostbusters or Evolution.  It is very dark and twisted and definitely has humor it's just not as in your face as some of his other films.
     Eugene Levy is in this and he doesn't talk about fucking a pie, he does however look like a fucking Muppet. I'm serious.  A fucking Muppet.
     The title says it all there are girls that eat people.  These girls are hot. Seriously hot. The flesh eating and bloody boobs definitely help with my erections but it is a lot of fun and surprisingly suspenseful.  I don't really have a lot to say, you can guess what kind of movie this is. If you didn't guess awesome you should probably delete my number out of your phone as I don't want to talk to you. Shout factory has outdone themselves as usual as this looks very nice considering how old and unavailable it used to be. 
     Grab a fifth put this in and enjoy boobs, blood and bee gees.  The 3 B's.



 And now time for Gabe Nye's take on it.

     This is a movie that I’ve wanted to watch for what seems like a lifetime. Directed by Ivan Reitman, long before he gained fame as one of the brilliant minds behind Ghostbusters. I had heard this described as a horror parody, and I was very excited to see what one of my favorite comedic directors would do with the horror movies of the 70’s. My verdict? He succeeded, but not so much as a comedy. I’d call cannibal girls a fairly legitimate horror movie. There are plenty of laughs to be had, but I’ve watched “pure horror” movies that were funnier. The comedy here is incredibly subtle, and a lot of it stemmed from the hairstyles and moustache/beard combinations on the men. Eugene Levy in particular looked so ridonkulous that I couldn’t help but laugh every time I saw him on screen. As a horror movie, it really wins though. There are some very cool scenes, a pretty decent story, and some very attractive women with even more attractive breasts. So, did this live up to my expectations? Not really, but I was expecting a hilarious send up of 70’s horror. What I got instead was a surprisingly good 70’s horror flick, and that’s not bad at all. Well worth a watch, and I’ll definitely be adding it to my collection.


Gabe Nye The Science Guy

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Netflix- A blessing or a curse?

     I was asked to make a list of the best Netflix streaming by Cas One, seemed like a good idea but I was not sure what angle I wanted to take as there are so many movies on this god damn thing.  I talked to some people and threw the idea around and got some good ideas such as do it by category, or do a weekly column which would make sense as it does update somewhat frequently. Well as I went through the lists and lists of movies and took just the ones I loved I realized there are a fuck ton and it would take a christ age to do and as I already have many other projects I opted for a one time list with a little anecdote on why each film rules.  This list is very diverse and no one is going to agree with all of them.  I have everything from The Asylums latest forays into awesomely bad cinema all the way to What some people would so elegantly call "art fag movies."  This list is in no particular order and by next week will be outdated but for a time capsule and as a reference guide I hope all of you can find something useful from this even if it is just my ramblings.

1. Puppet Master- The one that started them all. When I think of Full Moon I think of this.  Puppets that puke leaches and are based of Klaus Kinski.  Fuck Yeah.
2. Scanners- Best head explosion ever. Probably Cronenbergs most known film, while not my favorite still a staple in its own right. 
3. City of the Living Dead-  So many maggots and brain rips.  Fulci lives. The characters in this don't.
4. The Exorcist- Split pea soup and crucifix banging. 
5. Santas Slay- Jewish wrestler as Santa killing and saying bad ass things.  Fran Drescher gets the fuck killed out of her.
6. Monster Dog-  Slow burner but still a lot of fun. Alice Cooper was in this before he found Christ and Golf.  If King Diamond ever finds God I will shove a pineapple up my ass till I am dead, dead, dead. 
7. The Girl Next Door- Brutal, intense, and based of a Jack Ketchum Book. Stand by Me with torture.
8. Eight Legged Freaks- Fun giant shitty spiders fuck shit up.
9. Nightmare on Elm Street- The birth of Freddy.  
10. An American Werewolf in London- 80's fun, one of the best werewolf transformations ever.  The werewolf doesn't give you the finger so that's good.
11. The Burrowers- Tremors meets The Wild Bunch
12. Session 9-  Caruso is a douche.  This movie is still pretty fucking creepy.
13. Suspiria- Arguably Argentos best.  The music and the colors give me a semi.
14. Wes Cravens New Nightmare-  After Freddy became a bit of a joke Craven returns to turn him on his ass.  So good.
15. Phantasm- This Sphere is pissed. One of the best movies ever made. The Tall Man makes me feel like a little girl cowering in the corner wondering if the belt is gonna make contact one more time.
16. Zombieland- Best cameo ever.  Fun spin on the zom com.
17. Bram Stokers Dracula- Gary Oldman is so bad ass.  One of the best Dracula films ever made. 
18. Candyman- Tony Todd would even scare the Wu Tang with these killer bees.
19. The Evil Dead- Really? I have to explain this to you? Is that girl being raped by a tree branch?
20. The Gravedancers- Mike Mendez is such a bad ass. Every time I drunkenly end up in the cemetery I think of this.
21. Animals- Wow, what a piece of shit.  Cinemax could of made this in the 90's. But instead it just came out. So rad.
22. Troll 2- Best worst movie. Nilbog 4ever.
23. Sometimes they come back- Made for TV Stephen King movie.  Sad and entertaining.  One of my favorites in the King world. Spawned some of the best named sequels ever. 
24. Thankskilling- I got drunk last thanksgiving and watched this.  So badly awesome. Mosturd for the holidays.
25. Severence- So much fucking fun. The Office meets Evil Dead.
26. Subspecies- Another Full Moon staple. This is the beginning of their vampire opus. Way better than that Anne Rice bullshit. 
27.Phantasm 3: Lord of the Dead- The third in one of the best series ever. Not as good as 1 but still great and important for the entire experience.
28. The Toxic Avenger- Troma is the house that Toxie built. The first superhero from New Jersey.
29. Fire in the Sky- Based off a true story this is by far the scariest film I have ever seen.  Whether you beleive in life on another planet or not this will get under skin and rip its way out.
30. 8213 Gacy House- Paranormal Activity with the ghost of Gacy done by the asylum. Nuff said.
31. Dead and Breakfast- Zombies, blood and amazing songs. I'm in like Flynn.
32. Deadgirl- One of the best movies of last year.  Must be seen. Necrophilia with a twist.
33. Christine- John Carpenter takes on Stephen King and a bad ass car with a mind of its own.
34. Killer Klowns from Outer Space- The title says it all. One of the most watched films from my childhood. The Dickies do an amazing theme song and Royal Dano is a bad ass.
35. Mega Piranha- The Asylum puts out their mockbuster of the remake for Piranha long before Piranha hits theaters.  So much fucking fun. 
36. Drive Thru- Lazy ass killer kills bitches before their triple cheeseburgers do. 
37. It's Alive- Larry Cohen make people hate baby's as much as I do.
38. Laid to Rest- Throw back to the old slasher with some of the best kills you have ever seen.
39. Aftermath- So brootal and amazing. 30 minutes no talking just a mortician and some body's. you do the math.
40. Tales from the Hood- Tales from the Crypt if it was directed by Ice-T.
41. The Burning- Cropsy is gonna give the shears. One of the best slasher body count films from the 80s. The Weinstein's got their start with this as did Jason Alexander.
42. Night of the Scarecrow- Not to be consfused with Dark night of, this is a super fun killer scarecrow film helmed by king of the sequels himself. Mr Jeff Burr.
43. Class of Nuke em High- Another troma classic. Radiation make school way cooler.
44. Phantasm:OblIVion- The final installment in the Phantasm story doesn't really tell you anything but it does rule your balls.
45. Retardead- Just read the name and sit back and enjoy.
46. Miners Massacre- From the man that brought you the best Ghoulies movie comes a massacre, by miners.
47. Shredder- Snowboarders get the slasher film treatment. 
48. Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter- One of the best titles ever. Wish he would of stayed looking like Jesus the whole film but still very enjoyable.
49. Bloodstone: Subspecies 2- Full Moon continues their vampire opus. 
50. The House of the Devil- So fucking good. Slow burn bam SATAN!!!
51. Dead and Deader- Lois and Clark with zombies. Well Clark at least. 
52. Wrestlemaniac- A lucha kills some bitches that are making a porno. OK.
53. Redneck Zombies- Shine turns people into zombies, hilarity ensues. 
54. Eraserhead- The best movie ever made. 
55. Monsturd- "It's not a just a movie, it's a movement" couldn't of said it better myself.
56. Popcorn- Like an American version of Demons. One of the many reasons I love 80s horror cinema.
57. The Pit and the Pendulum- Stuart Gordon teams up with Full Moon for his take on this classic Poe story. Lance Henriksen is amazing.
58. Mothers Day- Uncle Lloydy's brother takes on the backwoods maniacal family genre and scores. Probably with his kin but still scores.
59. My Bloody Valentine- Harry Warden wants your heart. Pick axe can do some mother fuckin damage.
60. The Church- The man that brought you Dellamorte Dellamore teams up with Argento for this above average Italian flick.
61. Bad Biology- Henenlotter's newest trek into insanity is now teamed up with many faces from the Indy Hip Hop scene.  Like bread and butter.
62. Blood Feast 2: All you can Eat- H.G. Lewis makes Blood feast 25 years later and it kicks so much ass.
63. The Prowler- The guy that bought you Friday 4 kills some bitches in some insanely brutal yet beautiful ways. One of my favorites.
64. Opera- Argento at his best before he felt asking dumb questions about Hitchcock. The peephole seen is so rad.
65. The Video Dead- One of my favorites from the 80's Zombies coming out of TV's. Yes. 
66. Puppet Master 2- Puppets are back to kill. Still love it. 
67. The Lost- Another Ketchum adaptation. Ray Pye is so amazing. He will kill anyone who moves.
68. Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger 4- After a couple of lackluster sequels Lloyd brings Toxie back to badassness. A school shooting at the school for the gifted. Genius.
69. Class of Nuke em High 2- The theme song for this is so rad.  Movie is bad ass as well.
70. Monster in the Closet- Watching this on USA up all night has stuck with me till this day. Turn off the lights and enjoy this.
71. From Beyond- Aside from Ken Foree being a bitch this is a great take on the Lovecraft tale. 
72. Demonic Toys- Full Moon is at it again with more killer toys. This time a doll shits her pants. 
73. Terror Firmer- Troma at its finest in my opinion. This has it all. 
74. The Horror Show- Although having nothing to do with it this is considered House 3. It is so good. Love this movie. Just watch it. 
75. Squirm- Killer Worms. Yup.
76. Truth or Dare- Not the Madonna one. So bad but so good. 80's sleaze with no apologies.
77. New Years Evil- Another holiday slasher. Always a sucker for these. 
78. Period Piece- Guiseppe Andrews is one sick fuck, You have to see this to beleive it. 
79. Pervert- A big happy tribute to Russ Meyer. Blood and Huge Boobs.
80. Tentacles- Killer Octopus. Nuff said. 
81. Dead Snow- Nazi zombies for the modern age. Fun fun fun.
82. The Host- Giant Creature film from Korea. 
83. Audition- The movie that made Takashi Miike part of everyone's lexicon. Ki Ki Ki!
84. Nosferatu- Klaus was amazing in the updated version but everyone must see the original. Fucking terrifying.
85. Tokyo Gore Police- Part of the new school Japanese gore film crowd. Not a masterpiece but sure is a lot of fun to watch people get covered in blood to the point where they need umbrellas. 
86. Thirst- K horrors answer to Vampires.  Aside from Let the Right One in one the best vampire films in a long time. 
87. Them- What seems like the French's original to The Strangers is an unsettling home invasion movie.
88. Them!-  Giant killer ants. 
89. Machine Girl- Another crazy goretastic Japanese film.
90. Funny Games- So fucking bleak and fucked up. The American remake is just made for lazy people who can't read. Nothing wrong with it but I'll stick with this one as I don't know the actors as well as say Naomi Watts or Michael Pitt. Prepare a bath for when this is over.
91. Let the right One In- Holy Shit such a subtle beautiful frightening masterpiece.
92. Vampyr- Classic and Haunting and a must see for any horror nerd.
93. Night of the Living Dorks- German Import part High School coming of age, part zombie party.
94. The Devils Backbone- Haunting and amazing. Guillermo is a fucking genius.
95. Tetsuo: The Iron Man- I heard this described as Eraserhead meets the Terminator. Perfect.
96. Taxidermia- Fat people and Chaos. A must see for any fan of great film making and disgusting imagery.
97. Epidemic- Lars Von Trier is insane. I love him though. 
98. Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus- The film that started The Asylums Mega series and it is everything you could hope.  So outlandish and insane and awfully amazing.
99. The Call of Cthulhu- Looks and feels like an old silent film. Perfect way to approach this Lovecraft story.
100. The Astro Zombies- Ted V. Mikels cranks out this turd and I love to roll around in its shit.
101. Spider Baby- A precursor to the backwoods inbred family films of the 70's.
102. The Gore Gore Girls- HG Lewis at his best? Did you know if you cut off both nipples one dispenses 2% while the other one is chocolate milk? Guess you have to watch this.
103. Maneater- Mr. Busey vs a Tiger.
104. Bubba Ho-Tep- Old Elvis and Black JFK take on a mummy.  You must see this. It can't be put into words.
105. Black Christmas- A perfect slasher film that is often forgotten even though it predated Halloween by like five years.
106. Tombs of the Blind Dead- Blind Zombies are scary.
107. Deranged- One of the many Ed Gein inspired horror films. 
108. Peeping Tom- So unsettling and basically ruined everyone involved. 
109. The Cabinet of Dr Calagari- German expressionist at its finest. Still holds up almost 100 years later.
110. Night of the Living Dead- I'm not even gonna bother.
111. The Omen- DAMIEN!!!
112. Last house on the Left- Wes Craven before he was pussyfied. 
113. The Fly- Another Cronenberg classic.
114. Swamp Thing- Wes Craven's comic adaptation may be flawed but still enjoyable.
115. Repo the Genetic Opera- A horror opera, people are split down the middle with this. Not the best thing ever but it is a fun ride.
116. The Burbs- Joe Dante at his best. Tom Hanks in one of his only good roles aside from Turner and Hooch.
117. Body Melt- Title says it all.
118. The Virgin Spring- See where Crave got his inspiration for Last house on the Left. Bergman makes a beautiful and haunting film even back in 1960. I don't think he made a girl piss herself granted.
119. AntiChrist- Wow.  If your strong enough watch this.
120. Mulholland Dr- Lynch is God aside from the actually existing part. 
121. The Machinist- A decent into a mans madness can be quite entertaining when its not you.
122. Inland Empire- Laura Dern is amazing and at a three hour running time this movie hooks you and doesn't let up which is quite a fete as it doesn't make a lick of sense.
123. Blue Velvet- Frank Booth makes me wet myself.
124. Trancers- Sit down and watch all of these and I will respect you more.
125. Witchfinder General- Great cast and Witchcraft. 

     Netflix has taken off and while I like to fight for a while it is here to stay.  It is a good tool for finding things you might not stumble across otherwise. I just made a list of 125 movies that rule for some reason or another in one day and that is just in the horror section and not including some great documentarys such as American Scary, Bloodsucking Cinema, or American Grindhouse.  There is also tons of great TV shows on there such as The Kingdom, Ahhh! Real Monsters or Dexter.  
     I do hope that people will not just rely on this for everything. If you are lucky enough to have a locally owned video store in your city, support it.  Continue to buy DVD's and Blu Ray's.  Continue your VHS collection or Laser disc collection.  Support websites and print magazines.  There are so many options, you have Rue Morgue, Horror Hound, Fangoria, and many many more. Buy T-shirts from Satan's Sideshow, Rotten Cotton, and Fright Rags.  Go to your local comic shop and buy some Necca figures or Sideshow masterpieces. I could go on and on.  There is enough stuff out there to keep you going for a long time.  Netflix  is not what shut down all the video stores, that was Blockbuster and Hollywood and they are now paying for their sins partially due to Netflix. So we can thank them for that.  You must embrace the future without forgetting the past.  I watched Maneater on Netflix and once I saw how bad ass the Buse is I knew I had to buy it. 
    Well I hope you at least find something interesting in this mess of a list. Just because Halloween is over doesn't mean the horror has to end. 


Tuesday, November 2, 2010

The Loved Ones- Sean Byrne

    I love Australia!  I love all the old ozploitaition movies from back in the day and in the last decade Greg Mclean reinvented it with Wolf Creek which I stand by as one of the best films of the last decade.  The Loved Ones is the newest adventure into the land down under( I said that in the Men at work voice FYI) and it will rape your face off as many times as Tori Amos has written a song about being raped.
     As I have said many times I dont wanna ruin anything so plot wise I will not go into details.  Surprise is such an important aspect of film for me and I hate to be the one to ruin said surprise.  It's like telling your girlfriend that you are gonna pull a Houdini on her.  It's not as effective.  I will give a brief synopsis which is depressed dude gets invited to prom by the Mick Taylor of high school.  He has other plans so she gets her V.C. Andrew fan of a father to help her kidnap cutter mccuts and changes his plans for the prom.  This sounds simple and basic I know, I promise you it's not. As I said, I don't wanna ruin it so that's all you get. 
     The Loved Ones is unrelenting while not being excessive. I don't wanna get into the torture porn debate, everyone has their opinion on it and that's fine.  I will say I tend to get bored with most but have been pleasantly surprised by some as well. I would not even put this into that catagory but many will and with good reason.  It does however have so much more going on. Blah Blah Blah, as I said this is in it's own world and that is what I love.  It is so well acted and directed that you forget how fucking broootal it is, then Bam, just like Mel Gibson's girlfriend you get slapped across the face.  The main kid in it starts off pretty irritating and douchy and while you would think that you would kind of enjoy watching him suffer he does such an excellent job that you sympathize with him and even with very little dialogue he sells every bit of pain, fear and strength that he is forced to deal with.  The amazingly sexy albeit bat shit crazy captor makes you understand where she is coming from.  She pulls off this with flying colors, kind of like an American flag kite that has been set on fire and is dripping red white and blue all over a crowd of unsuspecting children at the beach, and they say these colors don't run.  Tell that to little kid trying to have a nice day out with dad and goes home looking like Seal(you know you have kiss from a rose stuck in your head now). Tangent aside What I am saying is these leads could make you beleive anything.  They must of been witnesses in the OJ case.  It's not just the leads, everyone here is so god damn good.  It has been a long time since I have seen a group of people all pull off such strong performances.  The crew were equally as competent with everything from the writing, sound, lighting and editing all being perfectly used as if it were a surgical process.  Now we come to Sean Byrne who obviously had much to do with this.  I don't usually go into the technical side of movies(I wanted to say film but knew I would get an angry comment from Cas One) but along with this being incredibly fresh(yeah I watched Juice and New Jack City), exciting and entertaining the production is just as important as I don't feel that it would of worked as well if James Nguyen had movied(see what I did there?) it. 
     I obviously enjoyed this and hope that I am not guilty of over hyping.  I feel confident that if you want something that will excite, confuse, anger, appall and straight up donkey punch you, you will not be let down with this.  In the day where remakes are remade and then given sequels it is refreshing to have something where the love and passion and originality  are so evident that it might as well be carved into your forehead. 



Friday, October 29, 2010

Dark Night of the Scarecrow- Frank De Felitta

     Fuck you answers.  I love the 80's as far as horror films go for this very reason.  Dark Night of the Scarecrow is a made for TV movie from 1981(TV was so much cooler back then)which is only like a little over a year past when I cut myself out of my moms.  I was one, that's one year past the age of rape consent in some country's. 
     Dr. Giggles is a sped.  He is friends with the McPoyle sister.  One day they are playing and she gets hurt, all the locals assume he did it, obviously he did.(oh rednecks) They chase him and turn him into a scarecrow and shoot the fuck out of him.  Oops, I guess a dog hurt her. Lucky for the dicks responsible in 81 judges dont give a shit about lynch mobs.  It happens.
     These fucks are set free like Dead Prez and shit starts to happen, one guy has a psychic vision of Fargo, one guy drowns in a big vat and Rick Moranis doesn't show up to drink 8 gazillion ounces to save him and a gas stove explodes as if it was an atomic bomb. 
     I was worried that this wouldn't hold up, albeit not perfect it is a lot of fun and takes me back to my hood, and by that I mean childhood not the area I was raised in and bought shit at the corner store from but before I was in my teens motherfucks. 



S&man- JT Petty

     So I have been seeing little things about this here and there but  I have purposely avoided finding out much about it as I prefer to see movies like this with little knowledge.  
     I went to the mall today to grab a few DVD's so I could have an all day tequila and horror film marathon, while looking through the racks I came across this and since I love JT Petty due to The Burrowers being insanely bad ass and basically Tremors meets The Wild Bunch. I started off the day watching a few episodes of TV from last night such as community and It's always sunny and then cracked open the Tarantula and started off with the Psycho Legacy as I preferred to see this a tad(not a fat grunge band) more sober than the rest.  Now that it was finished and I randomly got some tamales it was time to move on so I put in this little movie I knew very little about aside from the director. 
     I don't want to ruin much, as I said knowing little is very beneficial in this.  What I will say is HOLY FUCKING CHRIST BALLS!  What starts out as a documentary following a dude that likes to film the lady's turns into what at first what seems like a doc on the sub-genre  of fake snuff broooootal low budge Ala Toe Tag or Bill Zebub.  While this is interesting the real story starts when JT meets up with Eric, the maker of the S&man films.  This is where your insides carefully drop into  your rectum.  It has been a long fucking time since I have seen a movie where I was literally on the edge of my seat. It may be random but as far as I can remember the last time I felt this tension that wasn't haute was when I saw The Hurt Locker. I literally almost fell off my couch, and I'm full of tequila.  JT has made a movie that is more well crafted than a stumpkin.  Go out and buy this movie.  I have loved JT this far but this movie cements him as a modern master right up there with Mike Mendez and the rest of the crew that has saved us from the bullshit the 90's brought us.  I want to give this movie a 5 but as I have put back a fifth of tequila I will restrain just in case but seriously I swear on the corpses of Bob Clark, Anthony Perkins and Alfred Hitchcock(no disrespect intended) you must watch this film.



Thursday, October 28, 2010

Maneater- Gary Yates

     The Gingerdead man himself Gary Busey takes on a tiger that is well, a man eater.  I went into this expecting a made for TV shitty movie about a tiger that eats people. Low and behold that is what I got, what did surprise me though is the lack of CGI and somehow Gary Busey pulls of the best acting he has done in a long time. Actually everyone in this holds their own as far as acting goes.  No one will be getting an Oscar by any means but compared to say Grizzly Rage or The Swarm I gotta admit I was impressed. 
      So the basics are Mr. Busey is the Sheriff of some shit hole town where you guessed it a tiger gets loose.  Then you have some kid that is brought up in a trailer with his crazy ass mom who wont let him play with all the other little boys or go to school or do any of those weird things kids do like socialize or learn facts.  The interaction between these two is priceless at one point the mom says something like "while I'm at work no make beleive just read your bible."  I guess she doesn't realize that the bible has more fantasy and rape than Deathstalker 2.   Next up we have a dude with possibly the coolest mustache ever.   He has shown up from England to have tea and crumpet's and listen to music on his record player, oh and kill a tiger because obviously that's what he does.  The Tiger keeps killing people and eating them, except the little boy.  I thought Christians were suppose to get fed to tigers, oh that's lions. My bad.
     I am a sucker for giant or killer animal movies. I don't really care if they are good or not I always enjoy this shit, except for Spiders 2, that made my butt hole bleed.  While this is no Burning Bright(a killer tiger movie that was surprisingly effective) it is put together with way more suspense and entertainment that it has any right to.   If you want to have 90 minutes spent watching Busey be crazy and tigers eat some folk then boy have I found the movie for you.



Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Halloween 2- Rob Zombie

     Rob Zombie has lost his mind.  Which is fitting as I have as well.  With the first remake he did he was criticized for many things one being that aside from the first little bit where he wasted time explaining why Michael was crazy it wasn't nearly as "different" as he had eluded to.  Well for the sequel he gave everyone a big Fuck You and just pulled a bunch of shit out of his ass.  Halloween 2 is a love it or hate it film.  It is not that "good" but is so fucking out there I can't help but enjoy it.  The brutality shown in it is impressive as well. Don't get me wrong it's no August Underground but the amount of stabbing Michael pulls off is pretty impressive.  Anyways I don't have it in me to pick it apart or give it praise I am just glad I survived my 16 hour Marathon and I definitely dont mind going out on this compared to some of the other shit I have suffered though today.  


Halloween- Rob Zombie

     So I am not going to take the time to argue that this should of never happened.  It was pointless and there is so many things Rob Zombie could of done besides waste his time remaking one the best films ever made. 
     I will say if you can ignore that and just want to be entertained this will do the trick, especially if you have spent twelve hours straight watching the downfall of the Halloween franchise. Rob Zombie definitely splits people down the middle and that's fine.  I tend to enjoy his white trash broooooootal take on things, again he should of done something else but I guess I am going with the if you can't beat em join em approach.  If you judge me try watching all the original Halloween films back to back.  I just became a mathematician and figured out a formula.
Revenge+Curse+H20+Resurrection= the rotten foreskin off of John Holmes's  Aid's ridden cock which is < horrible than Rob Zombies remake. 



Monday, October 25, 2010

Halloween: Resurrection- Rick Rosenthal

     After Al Gore created the internet, the producers of Halloween decided that they should probably cash in on it with Michael Myers because those two things go together like peanut butter on a labia and a dog's wet ass tongue.
      I have been watching Halloween films for 12 hours now and it is getting harder and harder to not shove bloody tampons into my eyes and tear the strings out so I cant use them to pull said tampons out even if I got the fucking horrible idea. I don't even know what I am talking about.  Busta and the cast of American Pie take on Michael Myers and some other shit happens. Who gives a God damn? I sure as hell don't.



Halloween: H20- Steve Miner

     The producers of Halloween strike again.  This time instead of not having Michael Myers in it or having him be the byproduct of a cult of druids they decided they would just ignore all of those and more and just skip ahead twenty years past the end of two.  Why not?        Jaime Lee Curtis returns along with a list of 90's supertweens such as Josh Hartnett, Michele Williams and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, not to mention L.L. "I took a brake from knocking people mama said not to knock out" Cool J. 
     This is a 90's film.  It feels, looks and sounds(gross) like a 90's film.  The 90's mind you is the worst decade ever in horror.  In contrast this is far better than the last two pieces of elephant bukake in the Halloween franchise.
     My brain is fucking melting from this but after revenge and curse I welcome this shitty cash in. If you don't have anything else to do there are worse ways to kill a couple of hours, however there are much better ways as well.



Halloween 666:The Curse of Michael Myers- Joe Chappelle

     I remember hating this movie more than OJ hated his wife.  This morning when I woke up and decided that I was going to put myself through more torture than Bill Mosley? went through in Robert Lieberman's latest film this was the moment I dreaded.
     Druids took that girl from the last boy scout(cheap lazy reference on my part) because she got the deep dicking and made another little Myers baby.  Lucky for her even though she has to get the death Paul Rudd has Alicia Silverstone pull off the freeway and drop him off to save the devil baby.  Lots of bullshit happens and yes in case you missed it in the first five movies It is because of a cult.  I mean they couldn't of painted that any clearer obviously it was a cult.  Didn't you get all the signs in the first five.  Oh wait this is total bullshit I forgot. 



Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers- Dominique Othenin-Girard

     OK, this is where my patience is really getting tested.  Return while not perfect was fun and felt though the filmmakers were having fun.  This is just money and it shows.  Jaime is now in a mental ward because she may be like her uncle.  She draws crazy pictures and some people die.  That is honestly about all I can take away from this.  It just ended about an hour ago and I have probably seen it 7 times or so in my life and I already don't remember shit.  If you are ever masochistic enough to do a Halloween marathon as I have, heed my warning. When you make it to number 5 make sure you are good and drunk and stay away from sharp things because it is only gonna get worse.



Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers- Dwight H. Little

     The producers realized that not having Michael Myers in a Halloween movie may not of been the best idea financially speaking, so as the title hints at he has come home again.  I have very fond memories of this entry albeit not a "good" film it is a lot of fun.  I remember the first time I watched it I was over at a friends house it was like 2 AM we had the house pitch black and his grandma was passed out in here moth ball filled room.  Michael Myers raised his knife and at that moment the loudest phone you have ever heard in your life rang and scared the fucking bejesus out of me.  I clenched my sphincter as tight as possible to stop the flowing spring of fecal matter fighting to get out. Anyways aside from that there were a couple good kills and scares as well.  Now that I have shared a portion of my upcoming autobiography I will move onto the film that stands on trial.
     It is ten years since Michael Myers escaped and killed some kids and terrorized his sister that somehow he found. Dr. Loomis is still at it and Michael escapes again.  Well naturally he heads back to Haddonfield where he naturally has some more kin he found out about.  I guess Laurie dug up Ben Treymer's body pulled a kissed and made a baby, then said baby got adopted and went back to Haddonfield where she coincidentally bought the same clown costume that Michael wore when he hacked his sister to death after some weird V.C. Andrews shit went down. This is where I would make a Last Boy Scout reference, but I can't as 365horrormovie beat me to the punch.  I guess I kind of did anyway. I am such a cheater, hopefully a film crew doesn't catch me in the act and broadcast it to a bunch of woman who enjoy watching that kind of thing.  Anyways back to Halloween 4.  Loomis is back for the attack and since most of the police force was taken down he feeds a bunch of rednecks cases of Schmidt beer and they get in their four by fours and go out on a hunt.   All in all its not a masterpiece, it wears its flaws on its sleeve.  It is however a fun ride and far better than what is to follow.


Halloween 3: Season of the Witch- Tommy Lee Wallace

     When I was a kid this movie pissed me off so bad.  I brought home the VHS popped it in and as I sat there confused wondering where the fuck Michael Myers was and thought about how bad I wanted to do a flying dick punch to everyone involved.  Well as I got older I grew to appreciate this as long as I thought of it on its own.
First off I want to apologize to everyone involved for my hate and anger that I felt.  How could I hate anything that mother fucking ATKINS was involved in?  I should give myself up to scary German guy and let him eat me to death.
      Silver Shamrock makes some masks and they shoot some kinda Oregon Trail computer laserblast into peoples brains that give them typhoid.  Atkins turns from Dr to detective and seduces young grieving girls into fucking him while Andrew Packard gives some fat kid a tour as if its a chocolate factory. 
     The music in this is bad ass and the effects are fun and creepy at the same time.  The transformation scenes define the 80's perfectly and well Stonehenge and witchcraft equals badassary.



Halloween 2- Rick Rosenthal

     I have more memories with this than I may even have with the first one.  I recorded it off of USA during one of their Marathons and watched it about as much as I did my copy of Ramboner.  Anytime I hear Mr. Sandman I cant help but think of a time where some jackass decided that obviously Michel Myers had another sister he didn't OJ. Anyways onto the "review"
     Halloween 2 starts off right at the end of the first film.  Laurie is taken to the hospital and of course Michael makes his way there to cause some chaos.  This hospital is ran by possibly the most professional staff this side of Richard Pryor in Critical Condition.  When your on duty the best idea is to have a sexy romp in a hot tub with the sleazeball ambulance driver.  What is your reward?  Micheal will turn the heat up to 11 and melt your naked face off.  This scene stuck in my head from my childhood right up there with the hot rock through the body from Jason takes a boat. 
     All in all part deuce holds not a god damned candle compared to the original but for a fun continuation with some interesting  kills and  some additions to the lore(good and bad)its not a bad idea to put in your shitty VHS if your kind of bummed that the first one is over.  You can rest assured that even with all the stupid ideas at least they didn't decide Michel was who he was due to a cult, oh wait shit, I need another drink.



Halloween- John Carpenter

     I woke up this morning way earlier than necessary as I spent last night out at the strip club with old friends before watching a few late night episodes of River Monsters.  What will today bring was my question within seconds of waking up. I could go out movie and figure hunting, I could go see some films at the theater,  I could clean my house or do something else productive.  Well I decided fuck all that I will poor myself a bowl of Count Chocula, watch all ten Halloween films, and wait for my package from diabolik DVD. Anytime I do any lengthy marathon I always am so excited when I first start and by the end want to pull my hair out and choke myself with it.  I'm assuming this one will be the same but only time will tell.  Now onto the original classic that will never be touched, now I know that's what every good little boy thinks and many have been proven wrong but Halloween has made it some thirty something(not that sweet TV show) years and few films compare for me.

     Halloween has always and will always be one of my favorite horror films and one of my favorite films in general.  I have watched it so many times and it gets me every time.  The music, the pacing, the editing, just the all around feel of it and the fact that they made Cali feel like the Midwest during the fall.   I find it very difficult to review these classic films.  What can I say that hasn't been said?  If you are a horror fan you know how you feel about them.  My review is not gonna sell anyone on anything.
     With that said raise your glass in the air and salute this shit as if it were your shorts.  I am thankful to have Halloween and later on in the day will be wishing it was back on as I am suffering through the later installments that will question my sanity and may cause me to become a pissed off Trekkie that likes to kill bitches.




Friday, October 22, 2010

8213: Gacy House- Anthony Fankhauser

     A slow useless night at work was over and my brain was pondering what the fuck was I going to do?  Paranormal Activity 2 was opening and having a midnight screening and while I do want to watch it, it seemed like it was going to be crowded and I just wanted to kick my feet up, crack open a cold one(a beer, not a dead naked woman), and like Frankie just relax.  Well I opted for plan B so as I was looking through my pile of films to be watched and skipped over many films with tons of potential to become modern classics I saw Gacy house and knew right away.  My fate was sealed.
     Gacy House is what you expect. It is a found footage film done by the asylum where the ghost of John Wayne Gacy is out to trade in his little boys for a group of ghost hunters.
     It's like this, I can't tell you anything to sway you one way or the other.  Do you like found footage movies? You will probably like this.  Do you like serial killers?  You will probably like this.  Do you like the asylum?  You will probably like this.  Do you like all three of these?   You will blow a load all over the inside of your pants . 



Monday, October 18, 2010

The Hole- Joe Dante

     Joe Dante returns with a movie I can get behind, No reach around though.  
     The Hole plays out like a 90 minute episode of Eerie Indiana  which is OK in my book as Eerie Indiana was bad ass to the core of the earth, by the core I mean where the hole leads not that shitty movie with Harvey Dent. 

      This may not work for everyone but for anyone that grew up watching Dante's work or Goosebumps, or any of the great dark kids horror this is right up your ass uh alley uh hole? 

     It is a roller coaster ride where your childhood friend doesn't fall to their death.  It's fun, its creepy with little girls and Jester on a  roid rage crawling into hole's as if they were in  a Jan Svankmajer film. It is entertaining and funny and Dante fell into a goldmine using "hole" as the title, the most insane amount of innuendos. I wanna play a drinking game, take a shot every time a minor talks about having fun inside another minors hole. 
     The story here is not important. Don't get me wrong it works and actually most things in this film work. The acting, the effects, the story it all works, but who gives a good god damn.  This movie is a throwback to your childhood without all the touching in the places your swimsuit covered, well unless you were into that. The Hole made me feel like a kid again, sure I had more tequila while I was watching it, but a kid nonetheless.




Sunday, October 17, 2010

Top 10 of 2001

     So it seems like something happened in 2001, what was it?  I was told we would never forget.  Everyone is full of lies.  So one of the Duke boy's is sworn in as president and he forgot to train his friends how to fly a plane. Oh and Anthrax makes their comeback.  Joey Ramone says goodbye to this wonderful world and Dale Earnhardt causes sales in Schmidt's beer to skyrocket.  Douglas Adams stuck his thumb in the air and a plane killed Aaliyah's career before Queen of the Damned did.

10. When Good Ghouls go Bad- Patrick Read Johnson

So what happens when you team up the director of Spaced Invaders, the writer of Goosebumps and Christopher Fucking Lloyd? One of the most bad ass made for TV kids horror movies ever, that's what mother fuck.

9. Session 9- Brad Anderson

David Caruso may be a hack but this movie still made me shit my pants a little bit. A good start for Mr Anderson.

8. Jason X- Jim Isaac

This movie sucks, it's total garbage. Love it. The kills in it are so much fun and well, Jason flies  through space and kill's David Cronenberg in the same movie.

7. Suicide Circle- Shion Sono

Does anything even happen after the opening scene of this? Well yes but who gives a fuck.

6. Dagon- Stuart Gordon

Gordon does Lovecraft best and this is one of Lovecraft and Gordons best. You do the math. You fucking Mathlete.

5. The Devils Backbone- Guillmero Del Toro

Oh my Christ. Del Torro is such a bad ass. So fucking mind blowing.

4. The Happiness of the Katakuris- Takashi Miike

It was the year of Miike and this movie made me punch Corky in the face.  The Von Trapp's meet Romero meet Japan. I shit a brick of badassness when I watched this.

3. Frailty- Bill Paxton

Bill Paxton shows up out of nowhere and nails such a unique badass horror thriller. This movie made me cum in my Jesus Jammie's.

2. Ichi The Killer- Takashi Miike

Wow, This was the year of Miike and this movie was so fucking bad ass. So much blood and arterial spray like mo fucker.

1. Visitor Q- Takashi Miike

Wow. So much crazy and Milk. This is right up there with Audition as far as my favorite Miike movies go.  When I was done watching this I had to restart the shit.  This is what cemented Miike as a fucking genius in my mind.  Don't be  a bitch and watch this fucking brilliant take on reality TV.

Well there is 2001 the happiest year in American history, oh wait...anyways up next is 2000 a year full of Toxic Waste, Serial Killers and Death.

Make sure you check out 365horrormovie's list for a much different take on the year.


Monday, October 11, 2010

Night of the Demons- Adam Gierasch

     As a rule remakes make me wanna take that cock piece from Se7en and recreate that scene from A Serbian Film, but every once in a while from time to time one comes along that I enjoy the shit out of.  This is one of those.

     John Conner goes to a party to deal some drugs and take a break from being in christian horror films and runs into a whole crew of amazingly beautiful horror babes slutting it up because that's what you do on Halloween.  A story is told, demons get loose and possess some bitches and chaos(not that shitty last house wannabe movie) ensues. You know what?  Who gives a fuck?   Linnea Quigley has a cameo, and like I said earlier tons of beautiful horror babes strut their stuff and they take the lipstick trick to a new level.  It's like warping to level negative one, it doesn't make any sense but it kicks more ass than Andrea Yates on mothers day. 
     The music is so fitting with such great acts as T.S.O.L., Goatwhore and Creature Feature.  The effects are somewhere between mediocre and awesome and the acting is delivered surprisingly well.

     All in all this is a great homage to the clasicks of the 80's and pays tribute without insulting the original.  It is a party movie.  I want Andrew W.K. to show up with an eight ball and a case of tall boys and we will party till we puke.  Party, Party, Party. 



Buried- Rodrigo Cortés

     Buried is 90 minutes of Deadpool being stuck in a box.  I mean a coffin.  I'm not saying he's the champ of the damp, I mean he is in the ground with only a couple of things to help him in this predicament. 
     Buried will make you feel like you are stuck in the ground and have no one to save you.  You can scream, you can call and ask for help but they are just gonna tell you they have better things to do and you shouldn't cry wolf because this isn't that shitty horror film. 
     I don't want to ruin anything plot wise so I will just name some of the reason's you should get your ass out to see this.

1. It all takes place in a coffin yet feels like Nestor Almendros did the cinematography for it.

2.  The sound and music are mind blowing.

3. Ryan Reynolds is so fucking good in this role.  You are in the box with him and beleive every shitty thing that happens is happening to you.



Thursday, October 7, 2010

Top 10 of 2002

2002, kind of a slow year. We went into Afghanistan and took out some dudes cause a couple guys wanted to make sure they got their virgins when they died and a bunch of airlines claim bankruptcy. Dave Thomas chokes on a finger and passes Wendy's off onto someone else. Waylon Jennings finally got the seat on that plane he gave to Buddy Holly earlier and Jam-Master Jay threw  his Adidas up on a telephone line.  Billy the Kid shot James Coburn dead and Dr. Giggles finally got Glen Quinn since first and second Becky hadn't been able to. We lost two great punk rockers with Dee Dee Ramone and Joe Strummer biting the bullet. Now onto film, a year full of rape, revenge and werewolves.

10. The Eye-  The Pang Brothers

Long before Jessica Alba pretended to be blind the Pang brothers made this creepy J-horror ghost flick.

9. Eight Legged Freaks- Ellory Elkayem

These Spiders are extreme. Not more than words extreme but drink mountain dew and jump some dunes and fuck shit up extreme. 

8. 28 Days Later- Danny Boyle

Danny Boyle leaves his shitty beach to turn the zombie movie upside down and fuck shit up.

7. Blood Feast 2: All you can Eat- Herschell Gordon Lewis

The godfather of gore returns after a Christ age and makes a perfect sequel. Its basicly the same move as the first but with tons more titties and gore.  This movie makes my shit rock hard like the guy from Frostbite.

6. In my Skin- Marina de Van

Way better than that USA network secret cutting movie.

5. Dog Soldiers- Neil Marshall

Neil Marshall starts off a bad ass career with this bad ass werewolf movie.

4. May- Lucky Mckee

A modern day Frankenstein story told with the always amazing Angela Bettis. Milk and blood are beautiful.

3. Cabin Fever- Eli Roth

I hope Eli Roth can live up to his explosion on the scene. Cabin Fever was so good and while I enjoyed the Hostel Movies they were nothing compared to this modern day masterpiece.  Squirrels are gay and I love watching girls shave their skin off.

2. Sympathy for Mr.  Vengeance- Chan-wook Park

The first of the vengeance trilogy and probably my favorite as much as  I hate to say it as Oldboy is fucking amazing. Sadistik told me he almost named a song after this. He went with Memento Mori instead which is Ok I guess. He can do whatever the fuck he wants cause hes a badass.

1. Irreversible- Gasper Noe

This movie will fuck you up, it is so beautiful and brutal at the same time. The fire extinguisher scene is so fucking perfect and it has the Berlin Alexanderplatz of rape scenes that will make you feel like the worst person ever. The cinematography and music are haunting and this is all around a perfect film. Noe is finally gracing us with another movie this year and I am so efffing excited for Enter the Void.

Well 2002. Made me a happy little boy up next is 2001 a year full of ghosts, the return of Jason and Takashi Miike.

365horrorfilm is also doing his top 10.  Check it.