Beyond The Black Rainbow- Panos Cosmatos

Here's the best description I can think of for this movie: If David Cronenberg directed his interpretation of Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey with the 80's flare and soundtrack of Drive, then you would get Beyond the Black Rainbow.

That's really all you need to know. For some people that sentence will be exciting and for others it sounds terrible, and to be honest, it's kind of both depending on what you're looking for. Beyond the Black Rainbow is the film debut of director Panos Cosmatos and it's certainly interesting. It's vibrant, experimental, visually arresting, slow-paced, confusing, ambiguous and borderline pretentious at times, but it's definitely interesting. The story follows a girl named Elena who is held captive in a space-age 80's set called Arboria that looks directly out of a Stanley Kubrick film. Elena is heavily sedated and held hostage by a creepily monotone villain that is watching over her. Oh, and did I mention that Elena has a psychokinetic power to make your head explode a la Conenberg's Scanners? Well she does.

If this synopsis sounds confusing, it's because it is. It really doesn't shed much more light on the vague premise than that. Cosmos has chosen to take a style-over-substance approach to his film and I think it happens to work well. One spectacular scene in particular shows our villain downing a handful of pills while the wall behind him begins to melt like a bright red candle. It's scenes of visual imagination like this that make up for the lack of storytelling and characters in the story which makes it a pretty polarizing experience. If you enjoy films such as Enter the Void, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Moon, The Fountain, etc. that tend to shine visually more than logically then I would definitely recommend checking this one out. Being buzzed is highly encouraged.

3.5/5

Cody DeLarge

The Theatre Bizarre- Douglas Buck/Buddy Giovinazzo/David Gregory/Karim Hussain/Jeremy Kasten/Tom Savini/Richard Stanley

  Look at that list of directors. Is it possible for my dick to be any harder. I will just list some of the things that these guys are responsible for. Hardware, Dust Devil, Combat Shock, Cutting Moments, Home, Prologue, The Wizard of Gore(remake), Night of the Living Dead(remake), and my personal favorite Subconscious Cruelty. That is just his directing credit. Karim Hussain also was responsible for how beautiful Hobo with a Shotgun looked as he was DP(not donkey punch you sick bastard) on that.  Tom Savini has created effects for some of the best films made in history(Maniac, Friday the 13th, Dawn of the Dead, The Prowler, and on and on and on). Most of these guys also take on other responsibilities such as editor, writer, and cinematographer. The cast is rounded out with all kinds of faces you will recognize. Debbie Rochon, Lynn Lowery, Udo Kier, and even Tom Savini himself.  All of these much different yet all equally amazing men come together and with the help of the one I haven't mentioned yet David Gregory who from what I can tell is the backbone of this put together The Theatre Bizarre.  
     Horror anthologies are not the most common sub genre in the modern age. We saw a lot more of them in the seventies and eighties. Creepshow is probably the most recognizable of the bunch but you of course had the TV shows turned movie anthologies like Tales from the Crypt(I guess that was before the TV show), and Tales from the Dark side as well as a few hits(The Willies) and misses(Campfire Tales) along the way. Recently we received Chllerama which was fun but definitely not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. The closest thing to a perfect anthology film would be Trick r' Treat and that is arguable if it even fits in the sub genre. Well History pulled straight out my ass 101 is over lets get our asses to the theater, and don't forget to turn off your cell phone and shut your fucking mouth or I will sick one of these madman on you.
     I am not going to dissect these one by one as I want you to have as much fun watching things unfold as I did. If I spelled it out for you that would be like if the publisher of Scary Stories to tell in the dark decided to take out all the amazing artwork and replace it with more modern less exciting artwork, wait.......Sorry I can't get that off my mind. Seriously though. I am not here to ruin these so I will just give a quick overview of the film and you can judge my excitement. Things you will see in this movie. Eyeball injections, frog sex, human marionettes, crab vaginas, girls injecting themselves with unborn baby juice and so much more. Each of these entries have so much to offer and that is just the tip of the iceberg.I don't want it to sound like this is a shock film either. It has some obviously, but it also has some insanely beautiful moments. Douglas Buck's being the most notable. His story while being the least horror is the most heart wrenching. You also have everything from Lovecraftian creatures to highbrow cannibalism. 
     Seven directors, seven segments(including the wrap around) and two hours of everything the title promises you.

4/5

Tromeric
  

It is fine. Everything is fine!- Crispin Glover/David Brothers

    It has been a while since my jackassary caused my computer to fry like Horace Pinker.  Unfortunately my computer didn't come back to life and travel as electricity through the TV.  If it had that is a sacrifice I would of been willing to take.  Anyways,  I am gonna return with a movie that I loved but am not really sure how to review. I was lucky enough to catch a screening of it with Crispin Glover in attendance doing a sideshow and Q and A.   It was a great night all around, I was like a gitty schoolgirl about to get my first deep dicking.  I knew it may have its moments of pain but overall was gonna be unforgettable and amazing. I imagine it is like the joy of finding out you are having a baby, only I wouldn't push Crispin Glover down a flight of stairs. Well now I will attempt to explain this without ruining anything.
     This is a somewhat autobiographical fantasy of its star and writer Steven C. Stewart who you may of seen as the man in the clam shell getting an H.J. from the big titted monkey in What is it?  Wright is in real life and in the film a man with severe cerebral palsy, he is in a nursing home and is pretty hard to understand, at first this is a bit off putting but as the film continues it fades away and becomes about as unimportant as a woman in china. Crispin Glover himself explained this during the Q and A that if he had put subtitles in it wouldn't be as shocking that this man could get so many ladies to fall for his charm.  The first woman he encounters is the amazing Margit Carstensen who you may recognize from many of
Rainer Werner Fassbinder's films. He then moves onto her daughter and just heads down the line, fucking and loving and killing and not always in that order.
    It is fine is surreal at times, but always beautiful, shocking, and absurd. Some may find it hard to get past the language barrier of Mr Wright but anyone willing to will be rewarded with one of the most unique and exciting viewing experiences I have had the pleasure of having. If Crispin makes it to your town I suggest making a night of it, it is like nothing you will have the pleasure of experiencing.

4.5/5


Tromeric

Hausu- Nobuhiko Obayashi

     One time I beer bonged like a gallon of mushroom tea.  I saw some shit that made no sense.  It made my body and mind feel real funny like.  Don't know why but I kinda liked it.
      One time I watched a movie where some girls go to one girls dead aunts house and hang out with a cat named after a golden girl and disappear one by one. They do kung fu and sing and fly and talk a bunch of shit that makes little sense. Don't know why but I kinda liked it.
      These two stories are both true and made me feel the same way.  Hausu is insane, every time I watch it I say what the fuck more times than the last.  I have heard this described as an episode of Scooby Doo as directed by Mario Bava.  This is the best description of Hausu and I don't even feel like coming up with anything as this sums it up perfectly.


4/5

Tromeric



Gabe Nye slap your science on us.

     I honestly don’t have a fucking clue what happened in this movie. Sure, I’ve had a few drinks, but I don’t think any amount of sobriety would give me insight into this one. It’s insane, and has something to do with a haunted house and some Japanese schoolgirls, but that’s about all I can tell you plot-wise. What I can tell you is that it is ridiculous, over the top, cartoonish, hilarious, and just plain fun to watch. Miike must be a huge fan of this flick, that’s practically the only way to explain Happiness of the Katakuris and Visitor Q. Criterion just put out an awesome edition of this, and it’s well worth shelling out the cash for it.

5/5

 Gabe Nye the Science Guy

Lost Highway- David Lynch

I first watched this movie when I was 17, it was like 4 in the morning and I was trying to keep it down as my old ass grandparents were asleep in the next room over. Every time I thought I had it at a reasonable level Bill Pullman would start playing Sax or Robert Blake would laugh in stereo. Once this movie was over I rewound it and watched it again and again.  Then the next day I put it in and did the same.  Lost Highway is a very and I mean very dark movie.  I mean that in every sense of the word.  It will rape your mind.  I just kept watching and watching and watching hoping to figure out what it meant or why I couldn't stop watching it. I could go on and make up some bullshit as what all the deeper meanings are, but I'm not.  This movie is fucking bad ass and that's all you need to know.  Patricia Arquette gets naked, Robert Blake is creepy and kills people(talk about life imitating art), Robert Loggia is a bad ass and hates tailgating, Richard Pryor is to busy fixing cars to fight Superman, Balthzar Getty gets more pussy than a toilet seat and Gary Busey is in it.  If you want me to walk you through it, get over it. I'm not gonna hold your hand, you know what happens to people that let grown ass men hold their hand? They get molested. Is that what you want?  Well if it is to bad, I'm out of roofies and I still haven't gotten the blood out of my clown suit from last time.



5/5

Tromeric

What is It?- Crispin Hellion Glover

What is it you ask? I don't fucking know. Ask Crispin, does he know? I cant stop watching it. I have seen it quite a few times now and yet to understand a god damn thing but kinda love it.  A whole bunch of Corky's beat each other up and David Carradine each other and talk some shit while girls in elephant and monkey masks jerk off Brian Cranstons sped brother while listening to Johnny Rebel. Then a bunch of cabbage patch dolls show up and reenact smile time while a Shirley Temple dressed up like Ilsa in Swastika garb and all touches herself and laughs. I think. I don't really know and I don't care I love it, I don't give a fuck what it is I cant look away and that means Crispin Glover must be doing something right. I am excited as  a pig in shit to see the next installment.


4/5



Tromeric