Nazis at the Center of the Earth- Joseph J. Lawson

     Ummmmmm! Nazis at the Center of the Earth? OK, sold. My thoughts when I first heard about the asylum's newest addition to their catalog of awesome.
     A group of Scientists in Antarctica stumble upon a bunch of Nazis who with Josef Mengele  as their leader are trying to stay alive and cause some shit. That is all I am going to tell you plot wise. That is all you need to know. I don't want to ruin the awesome that is in this.
     The first hour of this is so brutal for an asylum film. It is surprisingly bleak and dare I say mean spirited. The gore is not lacking and actually has a few nail biting moments and while not perfect by any stretch of the imagination the acting is surprisingly effective. The guy that plays Mengele is especially awesome. He is actually menacing and believable.  The only real downfalls are some of the CGI is pretty atrocious and there may be a few plot holes.
     The last half hour completely switches and reminds you that you are watching an asylum film. This movie is so full of insanity your jaw will hit the floor.  I will not spoil this. It is so hard as my life is so much more complete after seeing this film. I want to shout it from the rooftops but that would be an injustice to anyone that hasn't seen this. It is on par with blurting out who killed Laura Palmer. You must watch this.


3.5/5

Tromeric

The Theatre Bizarre- Douglas Buck/Buddy Giovinazzo/David Gregory/Karim Hussain/Jeremy Kasten/Tom Savini/Richard Stanley

  Look at that list of directors. Is it possible for my dick to be any harder. I will just list some of the things that these guys are responsible for. Hardware, Dust Devil, Combat Shock, Cutting Moments, Home, Prologue, The Wizard of Gore(remake), Night of the Living Dead(remake), and my personal favorite Subconscious Cruelty. That is just his directing credit. Karim Hussain also was responsible for how beautiful Hobo with a Shotgun looked as he was DP(not donkey punch you sick bastard) on that.  Tom Savini has created effects for some of the best films made in history(Maniac, Friday the 13th, Dawn of the Dead, The Prowler, and on and on and on). Most of these guys also take on other responsibilities such as editor, writer, and cinematographer. The cast is rounded out with all kinds of faces you will recognize. Debbie Rochon, Lynn Lowery, Udo Kier, and even Tom Savini himself.  All of these much different yet all equally amazing men come together and with the help of the one I haven't mentioned yet David Gregory who from what I can tell is the backbone of this put together The Theatre Bizarre.  
     Horror anthologies are not the most common sub genre in the modern age. We saw a lot more of them in the seventies and eighties. Creepshow is probably the most recognizable of the bunch but you of course had the TV shows turned movie anthologies like Tales from the Crypt(I guess that was before the TV show), and Tales from the Dark side as well as a few hits(The Willies) and misses(Campfire Tales) along the way. Recently we received Chllerama which was fun but definitely not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. The closest thing to a perfect anthology film would be Trick r' Treat and that is arguable if it even fits in the sub genre. Well History pulled straight out my ass 101 is over lets get our asses to the theater, and don't forget to turn off your cell phone and shut your fucking mouth or I will sick one of these madman on you.
     I am not going to dissect these one by one as I want you to have as much fun watching things unfold as I did. If I spelled it out for you that would be like if the publisher of Scary Stories to tell in the dark decided to take out all the amazing artwork and replace it with more modern less exciting artwork, wait.......Sorry I can't get that off my mind. Seriously though. I am not here to ruin these so I will just give a quick overview of the film and you can judge my excitement. Things you will see in this movie. Eyeball injections, frog sex, human marionettes, crab vaginas, girls injecting themselves with unborn baby juice and so much more. Each of these entries have so much to offer and that is just the tip of the iceberg.I don't want it to sound like this is a shock film either. It has some obviously, but it also has some insanely beautiful moments. Douglas Buck's being the most notable. His story while being the least horror is the most heart wrenching. You also have everything from Lovecraftian creatures to highbrow cannibalism. 
     Seven directors, seven segments(including the wrap around) and two hours of everything the title promises you.

4/5

Tromeric
  

Auschwitz- Uwe Boll

     Uwe Boll has made some of the worst movies ever made. He takes video games, makes ridiculous movies out of them, they don't make money and everybody hates them yet he still gets funding and pretty decent actors to make the next one. When I first saw House of the Dead I absolutely hated it. Next up was Alone in the Dark. Wow, what a piece of shit. Then came Bloodrayne, as I watched that it was awful, it was painful yet for some reason I was enjoying it. I then realized I had missed something all along. Uwe Boll is a genius. After that my eyes had been opened. Every thing I watched now made sense. It became a challenge to sit through his movies, but a rewarding one. Postal was the film that would fully turn around  my opinion. That movie was so fucking funny and his role in it. Wow. He continued to put out movies that I would always pick up and enjoy for what they were. Seed, Farcry, In the Name of the King and then something happened. I saw Rampage. Not a perfect film by any means but overall it was a powerful story with decent acting and effects. I couldn't believe it, it wasn't even based off a video game. My mind was blown.
     This brings us to Auschwitz.  I saw the trailer for this about a year ago and was in awe. Woman and children being gassed and put into ovens. No music just pounding on the walls and screams. A line that so many Americans have had drilled in their head "Never Forget."  I was sold. Uwe had completely lost his mind, and he obviously had the biggest balls in the world. Jump ahead a year and I finally got the chance to see this. Still not fully sure what to expect Gabe Nye and I put it in and sat back with our Bushmills and prepared for the unknown. I am pretty sure it was similar to the way the first astronauts felt.Uwe came on screen to explain what he was doing(or at least he tried), it then went into German teenagers being asked questions about the Holocaust, interesting stuff but after that is when the chaos began.  Lines of people being loaded onto trains, inter cut with people being gassed. Overall it was pretty impressive. The shots were laid out well and the music was haunting and simplistic. There were some interesting editing choices and as I am sure no one will be shocked given the subject matter it was insanely fucked up and depressing. I will say due to the fact that I am a fucked up individual there was a scene where guards kill like three babies in a row by shooting them in the head. It is in super slow mo with this deranged score and as in your face as possible. I laughed my ass off. It is twisted and disturbing but I can't help but applaud Dr. Boll for his fuck taboo's attitude. Uwe Boll has killed more kids that crib death.
     In the end Auschwitz is a unique viewing experience that should be seen by anyone that can handle it. No one besides Uwe knows his true intentions on making this and I am OK with that. Make sure to keep a copy of some cartoon from the 80's to put on after this to avoid feeling like making The Bridge part two.


4/5

Tromeric