The Innkeepers- Ti West

     Haunted House or ghost films are generally not my favorite sub genre when it comes to horror. Overall I find them boring, predictable and cheap. Exceptions of course would be classics such as Poltergeist, stylistic modern gems like The Others or over the top awesome, fun fangasm giving movies like A Haunting in Salem. Well Ti West has added another one to my list. The Innkeepers, a film I have been waiting all year to see and finally got my chance just in time to use it for my year end list.
     The Innkeepers follows two Innkeepers(shocking right?) who are working the last weekend of a hotels existence. There are not a lot of characters in this. You have the cute girl next door and your every nerd filled out by a creepy old man, an irritating mother and son combo, a new age washed up actress and some ghosts. The nerd runs a site following haunted happenings in the hotel which she helps him out with from time to time. Since it's the last weekend they are just staying in house all weekend.  They take turns recording EVP, looking at porn, and getting drunk. That is as much of a plot as you will get from me.  I even feel that may be to much. 
     The Innkeepers like most of West's other work is about as slow burning and tension filled as fucking an eighty year old corpse. Let me stop for a second. I mean an awesome super hot eighty year old corpse, like Rue McClanahan and this is coming from a Rue McClanifan.  What I am trying to say masked somewhere in this bottle of vodka is The Innkeepers albeit slow is fun, exciting, smart and worth it.  It sucks you in like a vacuum in an abortion office and doesn't let go till you're on a poster in front of a planned parenthood.

4/5

Tromeric

A Haunting in Salem- Shane Van Dyke

     A family moves into a house in a new town and shit hits the fan. This house is haunted and it is pissed.  People start dying and shit starts getting real.  The daughter starts puking more than the Olsen twins so dad starts doing some research.  While this is happening tons of other weird shit continues in the house. A ghost starts instant messaging people like he's straight out of a R.L. Stine book  Dad now drives into town and meets the cast of Twin Peaks and finds out that his house was built on a burial ground. No Indians this time, instead it was the cast of the crucible. Once he finds out that more people have hung themselves in his house than David Carradine's he starts digging up graves like he's Ed Gein, which makes sense as he looks like Ezra from Deranged. This is just the set up.
     A Haunting in Salem is a throwback to the haunted house films of the eighties and ninety's like House and the Poltergeist films. I don't even think of the last decade's bullshit haunting movies(a few exceptions, I am talking about the other A Haunting in...).  I want my haunting movies to be fun. I am not easily scared so fun is the emotion I am looking for and The Asylum has brought it back again. Music is a key element to any good film and the score to this had me gitty like a virgin on prom night. I was like the guys from that Chappelle Show episode, not the white ones but the black ones, you know the ones that could dance.  There are some good scares in this as well as some that didn't quite work for me, which honestly is one of my only complaints, it is however not a valid complaint as I knew what I was getting into and I wanted it. I sound like that girl that has lots of sex and then tries to pretend she feels bad about it. Fuck that I am proud to watch this. I losing my train of thought here, could be the Jager.
     I am not claiming this is a perfect film, it has plenty of flaws I could pretend to care about, but I am not Roger Ebert and never will be, fuck that dude he talked shit about Blue Velvet. I am claiming that if you wait till it's dark, get a bottle, have some friends over, eat so much pizza and snacks that you feel like you are gonna explode like that guy from Meaning of Life and put this on you will have a blast.  This movie seriously made me feel like I was twelve years old again, I can imagine it now. I would of stopped by the video store rented this and Haunting that sweet video game for the Genesis where you are a ghost that haunts people.
     What I am trying to say is Fuck yeah The Asylum hit it out of the park.


3/5

Tromeric



    

The Ward- John Carpenter

     John Carpenter is one of my favorite filmmakers. In his long career he has made some amazing contributions to the horror and action genres. Halloween still is one of my all time favorite films and The Thing, Escape from New York and Big Trouble in Little China are not far behind. He has also brought us plenty of other great films such as The Fog, Christine, In the Mouth of Madness and  so many more. Even his less than perfect films ala Vampires, Ghost of Mars are entertaining and keep me watching from time to time.  A few years back he made episodes for both seasons of Masters of Horror. The first Cigarette Burns was one of the best of the series and made me have high hopes once he returned to film he would still have it. His second entry Pro Life while not as unique as Cigarette Burns is at least fun, had Ron Pearlman and I love anything with abortion in it. We now arrive at his return to film with Ward. Was it worth the wait?
     The Ward is so predictable, cliche, boring and has an ending that even M. Night would shake his head in disapproval at.  I wanted to like this. I assumed it would be no masterpiece but I at least thought it would be a fun ride. It's not. Moments of it work. I love Amber Heard and a lot of the supporting cast is great but none of them shine. This movie is so average. I think that's what bothers me. Anyone could of directed this. The story is basic, a few of the shots are cool but overall nothing even happens exciting there. The music is forgettable. Yeah in a Carpenter Film. I have nothing else to say. Its a sad day when I have to say anything about John Carpenter. I am going to go in the corner, curl into a ball and cry.

2/5

Tromeric

30 Day Horror Challenge day 7

     Day seven brings us supernatural film. I am right off the bat automatically narrow this down to ghost film as otherwise it is to vague for me and I have no fucking clue where to go. Ghost films are weird. Some are amazing but overall it is one of my least favorite sub genres.  Sure there have been some greats that people like William Castle have pumped out and I really liked The Others, I thought The Sixth Sense was a one trick pony similar to Blair Witch  or Paranormal Activity. The Eye was excellent and so was Ju-On and Ringu before Asians made me hate creepy kids with black hair.  In the end I narrowed it down to three. The Abandoned which is in my opinion one of the best of the After Dark films and after Aftermath I will watch anything  Nacho Cerda does. Next up is from far left field Ghost Dad. Now I know I will get a lot of argument for this but for my money Ghost Dad is a great film and makes me happy every time I watch it, plus it is way better than Leonard part 6.  I do understand that this is barley a horror film which is why opted for my final choice which is none other than Mr Mike I made The Convent and Real Killers Fucking Mendez's .......

    This movie blew me away and I would say is the best of the After Dark films. It has it all, it is creepy as fuck and witty as me(see what I did there?).  I live right next to a graveyard and sometimes I drunkenly end up in it.  The next day when I wake up covered in dirt and confused I always think of this and am like at least even drunk I know not to disrespect the dead. I cant promise however that I haven't danced on any graves which is why this movie scares the shart out of me.


Tromeric

8213: Gacy House- Anthony Fankhauser

     A slow useless night at work was over and my brain was pondering what the fuck was I going to do?  Paranormal Activity 2 was opening and having a midnight screening and while I do want to watch it, it seemed like it was going to be crowded and I just wanted to kick my feet up, crack open a cold one(a beer, not a dead naked woman), and like Frankie just relax.  Well I opted for plan B so as I was looking through my pile of films to be watched and skipped over many films with tons of potential to become modern classics I saw Gacy house and knew right away.  My fate was sealed.
     Gacy House is what you expect. It is a found footage film done by the asylum where the ghost of John Wayne Gacy is out to trade in his little boys for a group of ghost hunters.
     It's like this, I can't tell you anything to sway you one way or the other.  Do you like found footage movies? You will probably like this.  Do you like serial killers?  You will probably like this.  Do you like the asylum?  You will probably like this.  Do you like all three of these?   You will blow a load all over the inside of your pants . 


3/5

Tromeric

Paranormal Activity- Oren Peli

Lots hype surround this film, I heard about it a couple of years ago when it was on the festival Circuit. Then Paramount bought it with plans to remake it, then they did something that made me unleash the 36 chambers of my ass all over my downstairs neighbors face(flimsy floors). They said they couldn't do anything that would make it better, holy shit, I didn't realize studios had brains. Skip forward, it started off in 9 Cities, sold out every show, so they expanded, same thing happened, they expanded more, and finally went wide cuz a bunch of nerds know how to click buttons. I love the future. I knew I had to see this no matter what the outcome. Its a piece of history, i could already tell. Its becoming this Decades Blair witch. Is that a good thing? I don't know. It may have the same fate as Blair Witch. I went and saw this movie by myself with a pretty crowed auditorium. Was it scary? yes. Was it entertaining? Yes. Was it irritating being surrounded by a bunch of fat bitches eating their newest selection of bootlegged snacks? Yes. Ill stop Rambling, No Doobie Brothers here. Paranormal is everything that the hype says it is. But will it be the Second or third time? That I cant answer, yet, but I doubt it. I do highly suggest seeing it, It an experience that only comes along so often and if anything its a piece of history.

4/5

Eric