Scream Park- Cary Hill

Scream Park is a new slasher film put out by Wildeye Releasing. A company that I have been pretty happy with in recent times. Sure they have had a few less then stellar releases, but overall they have put out some pretty fun genre fare.

The film starts, and you instantly know that you are in the hands of lovers of the slasher genre. The opening credits are an homage, pretty much to the point of theft, of the early Friday the 13th Films. The font, the title card, the music. It bleeds Jason.

Once the film actually starts we are greeted with an intro that had me feeling like I was watching a Soul Asylum video, or at least some nineties alternative rock special on 120 Minutes. A quick montage of the park including scenes of roller coasters and games. Was I watching the sequel of Adventureland? Only with more blood? One could hope.

The basic story is that the park is on its last leg, and needs some financial help stat. It is closing, and it looks like nothing is gonna change that. The employees convince the manager to let them throw a party in honor of the park. The girls use their breasticles to sway him their way. Of course it quickly becomes a place where teens can drink, smoke, fuck, and take drugs. Growing up in the eighties, I instantly know this means these kids are on the verge of death. Sure enough not long after the first few pulls off a bottle, or thrusts into a vagina, the killers show up to save the morals of the American teen. Or just because they are sick, or there may be more to it. I will save that for your viewing pleasure.

At its core Scream Park is another slasher film similar to the thousands that saturated the market in the eighties. It is also an homage to those movies, and as a lover of those films no matter how over saturated. I always welcome a good slasher into my life. They may be simple, but it is generally a good way to kill a couple hours.

Doug Bradley of Hellraiser fame has a small, albeit important role. The effects are brutal, effective, and fun. Just the way I want them in a slash 'em up fest. The Blood flows, the tops come off(at least one of the), and it captures that sleazy eighties feel pretty fantastically. The Killers are pretty effective, and the music fits perfect.

This is not a genre changing film. It really has nothing new to offer, but if you aren't interested in changing the world just yet, and just want a fun throwback to a time where all you needed was a couple of creative kills, a girl who will take her top off, and buckets of karo syrup.....have I got a film for you.

The DVD comes with few special features. Nothing to blow your mind, but if you're too intoxicated to get up and switch the disc there is a commentary track, some trailers, and a blooper reel.

Film 3/5
Disc 3/5

-Tromeric

Girls Gone Dead- Michael Hoffman Jr./Aaron T. Wells

     Beetlejuice, Ron Jeremy, Linnea Quigley, Jerry "The King" Lawler and a plethora of scantily clad ladies.  I'm in.
     When I popped this bad boy in I figured I would most likely get ninety minutes of filler with five minutes of bitches and blood. I am happy to report that like Mike Ness, I was wrong. The film opens with our protagonist sitting in church and next thing you know there is a big breasted woman stripping down naked so the preacher can sacrifice her. Let me state for the record if that happened when I attended church services in my youth I may not have been so quick to denounce the worlds favorite dungeon master. Quick cut to let you know it's a dream than a pretty clever opening credits sequence outside of the horrible music that makes you feel like you are getting bumped into by every "Bro" at "Warped Tour." We now meet up with Rebecca in the real world and quickly find out her mom is an insane religious nut. The thing is Rebecca just wants to go to Daytona Beach to have some fun and take off her cloths. I mean the Crazy Girls(This films answer to Girls gone Wild)are gonna be there along with Ron Jeremy and Beetlejuice. She is waiting for her whore of a friend(God's words, not mine) and her douche nozzle ex shows up complete with a "S8N SUX" license plate and what I assume is unfortunately probably an actual christian rock band blaring on the stereo. They head off to Daytona anyways in search of all the necessitates in life such as drugs, alcohol, and sex. This of course where all the slashing and striping begins and the next ninety minutes are spent watching said acts and figuring out  whodunnit?
     "Girls Gone Dead" will not cause any eruptions in the world of cinema. I am guessing the only eruption it will cause is in your pants but that is Okay. It is a fun slasher that would fit right in along the likes of the eighties classics such as "Slumber Party Massacre" or "Sorority House Massacre." The kills get a little repetitious but moments such as the fat basement dweller finally getting a blowjob only to have his severely intoxicated conquest get a hatchet wound on her head. I feel like I could go into a massive "who's on first"  rampage right now but I will spare you. I will say while some of the gore is repetitious, it is overall pretty awesome. Very little CG and buckets of blood being spread everywhere like Flavor Flav's seed at the Source awards. It does suffer from extended length syndrome, and no, I am not making a penis joke. I feel like if they had cut out fifteen to twenty minutes it might flow a little better but that is nothing another shot can't fix. If you want something new check elsewhere but if you just want to crack open a bottle and enjoy a movie with the three B's(Bitches, boobies, and Beetlejuice) have I got a movie for you.
    
3/5

- Tromeric

The Orphan Killer- Matt Farnsworth

     A modern slasher with some religious overtones. I am going to break this movie down Clint Eastwood Style.  Make sure you read the whole thing though.  Good + Bad + Ugly doesn't mean you shouldn't watch this.  My math is tight and I am about to tutor your ass.
  

The Good-  The Effects are fucking awesome. Old school, dirty blood red, pretty much all practical and broooooooootal.  Each kill is crafted with precise attention on everything that it should be. Head bashing's, stabbings, slicings, punches and kicks will all tear your face off.  Hammer Smash Face to a priest was epic and half naked woman wearing a crown of thorns is kinda sexy.
They definitely tried  to make this a unique slasher, it's laid out very differently than most films one might compare it to. I would assume this didn't have the biggest budget but they used what they had wisely.  Some great use of sound(not music but we will get to that later) and camera techniques. It had a old school vibe while still trying something new.  There is definitely a lot to praise here but not God has he made this monster. Speaking of it was really bizarre to see the clergy involved in sexual acts with partners the age of consent.  Nuns and BJ's help make your movie way cooler, take notes everyone.

The Bad-  By far the worst part about this for me was the music.  It starts off with some bullshit cover of Cry Little Sister from The Lost Boy's.  It's bad.  In fact the soundtrack is most definitely the worst part about this movie.  I think they got all the rejects from Ozzfest's second stage to do the music.  I am personally not usually a fan of songs in films, I prefer score. The only time I like songs is if it's used for the movie, like they are at a party and you hear what they are hearing. That makes sense, like Angela in Night of the Demons. That was awesome.  I just think score is a much more effective soundtrack, to each his own though.


The Ugly-  The Orphan Killer. This dude got raped by the ugly tree. His mask looks like a Sunday School class made a Slipnot mask out of paper mache.


     Overall if you enjoy slasher films of yesteryear and don't mind a little modern touch in there you should check this.  It will not change cinema and there are some flaws but fuck it not every girl I have been with is a ten.


3/5

Tromeric

Popcorn- Mark Herrier/Allen Ormsby

     Early ninety's slasher film that is basically a big William Castle facial. This movie just oozes so much love cum to Castle and I love it. It is the adult Matinee which of course also was a huge homage to Castle but luckily since Matinee  is more kid friendly   it has less semen being sprayed all over its face as I wouldn't want to see Dante or Ormsby going to prison due to not checking the license.
     OK, back to as much of a point as I am capable of.  A bunch of nerds take over a theater and show some shitty movies and make everyone smell dead dog and farts and whatnot. They get a film from a guy that died after he killed some people. He is basically the love child of H.G. Lewis and Joel Reed, or maybe Donald Sutherland. People are dying. Is it him? 
      So many great lines and kills in this, not to mention references.  You have one of the sexiest woman in the world Jill Schoelen previously seen as a stepdaughter to that crippy from lost and Dee Wallace.  A lot of times this is looked down upon. I don't get it. If you wanna have a good time a few laughs check it, otherwise maybe you should just go off to bible study or something.


3.5/5

Tromeric

Madman- Joe Giannone

     Madman is the epitome of an 80's slasher. Kids sitting around a campfire telling stories about a crazy killer and sure enough he starts killing them. There is nudity, bloodshed and people doing stupid shit.
     I love Madman.  The opening song they sing around the fire is so fucking amazing I want it played at my funeral. I always think about the happy campers song from Sleepaway Camp two and while that is amazing I think the Madman song is highly underrated.  The kills in this are basic but still awesome. Lots of headless teens saying Ill be right back then getting their heads cut off like it's an Alice Cooper stage show.  There is not a lot to write. I did say it's an 80's slasher right? 

3.5/5

Tromeric

Chromeskull: Laid to Rest 2- Robert Hall

     When Laid to Rest came out I wasn't sure what to make of it. I had seen Lightning Bug and loved it but kept seeing this random dude with a shiny ass skull. I of course went and bought it as I am like a meth head at an ICP concert. I just cant help myself.  Laid to Rest was a classic 80's slasher but made in the future. Nothing really important happened, the characters were as average as they come and it was a very basic plot. One thing did stand out that got me so excited and that was the kills. I have never been so excited by knife induced death. Robert Hall clearly knows his way around the special effects workstation. No bullshit here just kill the fuck out of anyone. I then realized this is a perfect slasher film. Kinda bullshit but the kills make up for it. I had used that argument for so many films such as the Sleepaway Camp sequels and countless other body count films. Not cop killer Body Count but lots of dead body's.
     Move ahead to today and I have been holding my balls in excitement for Chromeskull.  Was it worth the wait? Read this shit son.
      Chromeskull is insane. It takes the basic story from part one and says fuck you. Lets get insane. In the words of Gabe Nye the Science Guy "It's like Tom Clancy and David Lynch got in a fight with Jason Vorhees."   That pretty much sums it up. The plot is so insane that I don't know if I liked it or thought it was recockulous. The thing is, i don't care. It was so insane I let it slide. It's like not getting mad at a retard for eating his own ear. You know he's got a huge heart so fuck it. 

3.5/5

Tromeric

Cyrus: Mind of a Serial Killer- Mark Vadik

     Serial Killer movies are a dime a dozen. Some like Henry:Portrait of a Serial Killer and The Manson Family use the subject matter and make a pretty god damn compelling and beautiful movie. On the other hand you have bullshit like all the Kane Hodder serial killer films and of course one of the worst filmmakers of all time Uli Lomel. Cyrus is somewhere between.
  Cyrus is told through many flashbacks that Lance Henriksen is reporting to Danielle Harris. That dude from Sleepwalkers plays Cyrus for most of the film and Tiffany Sheppis gets naked and plays his evil whore of a mom. Doug Jones takes the eyes out of his hands to talk some bullshit about serial killers. The thing is most of these people along with pretty much everyone else do a pretty fantastic fucking job. How can you not love Mr Frank Black himself? Danielle Harris seems like she cares the least out of all these. I generally love her, especially in The Last Boy Scout but I don't know how much I buy her as go getter reporter. The one who deserves most of the credit is enemy of the cats Brian Krause. He plays Cyrus so cold and calculated without overdoing it as I would imagine would be an easy thing to do with the character.  The effects are used well overall outside of a head explosion that could of been amazing but was just to CGI heavy. The biggest flaw with Cyrus are the inter cut interviews. These are so out of place and boring. They just seem like filler to reach the ninety minute run time which is one thing I will never understand. why is a 75 minute movie that works better than a ninety minute movie so full of shit.  If they would of just kept Cyrus and maybe a little bit of Lance telling it I think it would of been a much more powerful film. Every time I was getting sucked into the story some random ass person would pop up and spout off some facts they learned from Frontline.
    If you enjoy serial killer films and have ninety minutes you don't mind wasting give this a shot, otherwise look up Mr. Jim Van Bebber or John McNaughton.

 2.5/5


Tromeric

Scream 4- Wes Craven

     It is like running into someone you fucked a lot in high school and hooking back up. It gets the job done and kind of feels good but in the last 10 years you have found so many better options.

3/5

Tromeric

30 Day Horror Challenge day three

So we are at day 3 which is favorite slasher.  I have mixed feelings on this as it depends on how you want to define "slasher." I was thinking about putting Maniac or The Prowler as I absolutely love both of those films but I don't know if I quite consider them slasher films, I think of them more as body count films. Not Cop Killer Body Count but you get the point. Then there are of course the classics say Psycho, Friday the 13th, Halloween, Black Christmas. All great in their own right but still not quite where my brain goes when I just want a slash some bitches fun fest. I narrowed it down to Slumber Party Massacre, Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers, and The Burning.  Now with those I have to pick one. This list thing is way harder then I expected.  Well my final choice is .....

I hate to use the same franchise I did for the first day but when I just want a slasher with amazing kills, great music and an amazing killer I always pop in this gem.  It is my idea of a perfect slasher and I always have the God Damn Happy Camper song stuck in my head for days.  

Day one of a 30 day horror challenge I am taking part in

So I noticed Dollar bin Horror put up a 30 day horror challenge and I cant pass up a challenge so here is day one of said challenge. Make sure to check out their page for their results.


Day one: A horror film that no one would expect you to love, but you do.

    I will go with Return to Sleepaway Camp. This movie was so hated and I don't get it.  It is the return from Robert Hiltzik and captures the feel of the original. I love all the sequels but one is a classic and why I loved it from the first time I saw it when I was barely dick high is everyone in it is basically a piece of shit and I was stoked when they got their dumb ass face boiled off. This movie changed nothing but I sure enjoyed watching more hi jinx at sleepaway camp. This is brutal and angry and is fun to put in grab a glass and get your hatred out. Then of course follow it up with Ernest Scared Stupid. 


Tromeric

Drive Thru- Brendan Cowles, Shane Kuhn

Nightmare on elm street Played roofie roulette with Commando, Good Burger, Killer Klowns from Outer space and Predator. Good Burger ended up with the cup of Flunitrazepam cocktail, while passed out NOES called up its Bro Happy Birthday to me and after stopping at the store for some Natty Ice ad a game cube he showed up at the house that dead built and after throwing a couple back went to give good burger a good ol fashion bro-rape, luckily for Good Burger Predator is an advocate against bro-rape and lasers HBTM. NOES now uses the power-glove to pause Predator, once paused NOES sets up HBTM in preparation of the munging. He pulls Killer Klown over sets in front of HBTM's exit wounds and does a peoples elbow and just covers killer klown in the most mung you can imagine, its a lot. Killer Klown is turned on and grabs commando and and gives him the reach around of a lifetime, he then gives himself a clown frown. I think that was the creative process behind this above average slasher fare.

3/5

Tromeric

Basement Jack- Michael Shelton

Decent Low Budget Slasher/Killer fare. Lynn Lowery who used to be one of the hottest woman in the world, well let just say while I would of fucked her while there were weird sex slugs crawling around her, now that she is just a crazy old mom who uses her son to recreate the Struck by lightning scene from Great Outdoors I...aah fuck it I would still fuck her, I would just show everyone the publicity shots from Shivers. Anyways back to the film in question, and the question is why did I somewhat enjoy this? The effects were bad, Knife threw head was done in photo shop I think. They have Tiffany Sheppis in this as a cop, not a sexy stripper cop but a wearing way to many bulky clothes cop. That's like putting Brinke Stevens in a Nun roll, and not the sweet kind that gets her pussy eaten by her disciplined schoolgirl students. Michele Morrow is pretty much fully clothed all the time, that is a sin. Michele Morrow and Basement Jack have a Matrix style bullet time fight. Yet with all these things, i suggest watching this, man I am fucked up.


1.5/5

Eric

Halloween 2- Rob Zombie

I am one of the 50 percent of people that enjoy Rob Zombies movies. When his original remake was announced I was not stoked, I couldn't believe it, I loved Devils Rejects, how could he fuck with one of my favorite movies of all times, didn't he have something better to do? I'm sure he did, or could of, I gave in and watched it and while I thought it was heavily flawed, i couldn't help but enjoy myself. I love his characters. Yes they are white trash and generally irritating but the dialogue is entertaining and interesting, and this guy can make a movie look fucking awesome. Last year it was announced that he would return to Haddonfeild, I couldn't believe it. He had to have something better to do, What about Tyrannosaurus Rex? or Werewolf woman of the SS? Well I got over it, this like the first one is not a perfect movie, but god damn did he give us something new. This is nothing like any other Halloween, it is fucking brooooootal, every person in this is stabbed more times that mini Sharon Tate, and he doesn't pull away, this movie is also very surreal at moments with young Michael Myers and his mom showing up with the white horse from Twin peaks, i don't know I cant explain it, but i seriously loved this movie. I was entertained and disgusted from start to finish. Keep your eyes out for a few cameos of course, its not as many as usual but still, we got Weird Fucking Al, and you get Margot Kidder playing a psychiatrist which might be the most bassakwards casting ever, you might as well put Allister Crowley as Jesus Fucking Christ.

3.5/5
Eric

Inside- Alexandre Bustillo/ Julien Maury

The French have proved many things over the years, they know how to give cigarettes to babies, they love wine and cheese, and they, like cheap trick know how to Surrender, and finally they know how to fuck shit up in a horror movie. In the last few years they have brought some of the best horror movies out there, taking the title from Japan once they decided that every movie should have a kid with long black hair in it. They have brought us Irreversible, Haute Tension, I stand Alone, Calvaire(kind of), and finally Inside. I don’t want to say to much cuz if you haven’t seen it, you need to stop reading this and go fucking buy it. All I have to say is blood, babies, and beautiful imagery. It’s a whole new 3 B’s. That’s all I’m going to say, I’ve got to go fuck with a pregnant bitch, and not like Zack’s fantasy, I mean cut a bitch.

4 .5/ 5

Tromeric

Last House on the Left (2009) - Dennis Liadis

As most who have had the challenge of having to go into the recent wave of unnecessary remakes just to update them, I have been trying to leave all prejudices aside. This was slightly different, as the original is a film that is unmatched in its portrait of the pure brutality that can manifest in man. I found that this Krug (Garret Dillahunt) was not only devoid of the sociopathic frenziedness that the 1972 counterpart (David Hess) had, but almost seemed sane. All that aside, I was surprised at how well all else rested with me. The Collinwoods (Monica Potter and Tony Goldwyn) were well acted in they're frantic attempt to save? daughter Mari (Sarah Paxton) and if it weren't for not getting the two x's over her eyes, I would probably have given this a higher score on the chart. A standout scene with Francis (Aaron Paul), a garbage disposal and a clawhammer left me smiling but unless Hollywood gets some original material soon it looks like we'll have to look towards the foreign and indies for any real treats.
-B. Chainsawdomy