Guts and Grog Tooned Up

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Top 50 Xmas Films

I have ranted before about Christmas and my thoughts, so I will keep it limited. I don't care about religion, consumerism, or any other bullshit. I do care about having a good time. My whole life is spent just trying to do this, and Christmas is something I enjoy. I enjoy hunting for gifts for people, I enjoy having drinks with friends, and watching shitty movies about said holiday, and I enjoy all the random traditions I have created. There is a moment of bliss when wrapping a gift in Batman paper while watching Gremlins that can't be recreated. With this list I went outside my usual area and included all genres of film, not just horror. There are just to many that I watch on a yearly basis that I had to include. I also am not rating these on quality of film. I know that Pandora's Box is actually better than Jingle All the Way. These are based off of my love for watching them as part of the cult of Christmas. I included some films that are not full Christmas themed but at least have the holiday season involved.  I thought about just doing a killer Santa list but it sounded less exciting so I went with the massive fifty film list so I could include Hulk Hogan. Enjoy and make sure to spike your eggnog.

50. A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas- So this is number fifty because I wanted it on the list but to be honest I haven't had a chance to see it yet. My work schedule has not matched with the limited screenings it has here in Portland. I will see it soon and can almost guarantee it will be a tradition from now on. NPH owns.(Update: I saw it, and it does indeed own.)

49. Santa with Muscles- So I will be honest. This film is far from good. It is not even one I feel the need to watch every year. It does however have Hulk Hogan in a Santa costume and that needs to be recognized.  It has its moments and with the right amount of nog and friends can be pretty god damn enjoyable.

48. Beethoven's Christmas Adventure-  I love talking animal movies. I always have. Growing up I would watch Faces of Death then switch to Milo and Otis. It has never left me.  I loved the original Beethoven when I was a wee lad and when I saw that he had a Christmas adventure I knew I had to see it. I was expecting something pretty awful and sure in a lot of ways it was. It was also pretty epic and fun. Tom Arnold is the voice of the dog and John Cleese is the narrator while a slew of other bad asses from the asylum's catalog fill out the rest. Not perfect by any means but a fun watch while you're wrapping up that prop replica of the dick from Piranha.

47. Pandora's Box-  Not your typical Christmas movie by any means but a classic and I don't want to ruin it but the ending takes place on Christmas and involves one of my favorite Serial Killers and is just amazing. Louise Brooks also is super sexy as that is what she does.

46. Die Hard 2: Die Harder- Not a great film, probably my least favorite out of the franchise but still fun and you get all the Christmas love.

45. Tales from the Crypt- Long before I would stay up late to watch the Cryptkeeper tell me a story, an anthology film was made based off the EC comics and the first segment is the one I am focusing on for this list. Joan Collins is hunted by a man in a Santa suit. Do you need to know any more?

44. Silent Night Deadly Night 3: You Better Watch Out- Ricky has woken up and fucks with a psychic. Great cast in this with pre boob job Laura Elana Harring, Richard Beymer, and rounded out by Chop Top himself Bill Mosley as Ricky. This was directed by Monte Hellman the man who brought us Two Lane Black Top. This one seems to get the most hate but I think it's a fun ride.

43. Santa Claus conquers the Martians- sixties sci-fi fun that had a viewing on MST3K. Watch when you want want weird and bad but in all the right ways.

42. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York-  The guy from C.H.U.D. and the guy from
Goodfellas are after that Culkin kid. The weird looking one that played with Michael and was in that Sonic Youth video. Not as good as the first but the city brings enough hijinks to keep it entertaining.

41. Silent Night Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker- These films are all fun in their own right and are all pretty bad in their own right. This basically has nothing to do with Christmas but if you are gonna do the marathon you gotta involve all of them.  It is a fun watch but don't expect to be blown away unless it's by your own gun as you decided to watch all of them in a row.

40.  Dead End-  A great film with Ray Wise headed to Christmas and shit gets fucked up.

39. Inside- One of my favorite films ever. A French woman is attacked on Christmas in her home. Crazy happens. It is beautiful and fucked up all at the same time. My favorite juxtaposition.

38. Sint- Not exactly Christmas but it is directed by the guy that did Amsterdamned and has a evil Saint who looks like one of the guys from Ghost killing the shit out of people.

37. Silent Night Deadly Night 4: Initiation- Still basically nothing to do with Christmas but you get Reggie and the better Howard.

36. Cronos- A alternative take on the vampire legend that takes place during the holidays. Beautiful.

35. Eyes Wide Shut- One of my favorite Kubrick films.  Cruise is attempting to prove his heterosexuality with his sexual odyssey.  While not being a Christmas film it is full of the feeling and you even see them shopping for gifts.

34. Grumpy Old Men-  That Shar Pei looking mother fucker has all kinds of hijinks with his neighbor and the Penguin says some funny ass shit.

33.  The Nightmare before Christmas- Tim Burton gets all the credit for this. Hot Topic pretty much killed this for me but as a movie it is still a great watch. I just try not to picture that fat girl wearing Nightmare Before Christmas spandex.

32. Female Trouble- John Waters is one of my gods. This has always been my favorite of his films. The whole film is not Christmas themed but the part that is owns.  She just wants her cha cha heels. Divine was one of the best people to ever be shit onto the planet.

31. Burton does deserve the credit for this one. Winona was hot and it just sucks you into the world. It is like a cult, only a cult of awesome.

30. I watched this way to much as a kid. I can't help but still love it. 

29. Trapped in Paradise-  Great cast and always fun to watch these three rob a bank then fall in love with Shelly the waitress and get soft hearts and hard dicks.

28. Ghostbusters II-  A great sequel that MC Hammer did a song for before he fell asleep in the alley behind the firehouse.  Christmas is the backdrop and ghost be hunted.

27. Lethal Weapon- He is getting to old for this shit, but I never will.

26. Don't Open Till Christmas- A gory slasher that takes place in London.  Comes out today on DVD and I will be out hunting for it as soon as I am done with this list.

25.  Denis Leary robs the wrong family on Christmas. Hilarity ensues.

24. A fun short staring Ken Foree. I was lucky enough to see it on the big screen when I met Ken Foree. You can download it online for like three bucks or something and I suggest doing just that.

23. Jack Frost- Killer snowman, snowman rape. Sold.

22. The Muppet Christmas Carol-  A classic as told by muppets.  Math says awesome.

21. Tim Burton returns with my favorite of the Batman films(not counting Nolan's) and it is full of Christmas goodness. Devito is amazing in this.

20. A Christmas Story- After Bob Clark made one of the best Christmas slasher films ever he made this which a bit more heartwarming and all that bullshit. It still has to many great moments to ignore though.

19. Die Hard- One of the best action movies ever happens to also be a great film to watch during the Christmas season. Mother fuckers best enjoy Bruce at his best.

18. Rare Exports- I saw this in the theater last year and had a blast. Like a Spielberg film with some random mythology and awesome effects. The end is kind of anti climactic but I am guessing that was due to budgetary restraints. Sadistik and I disagree on this film. I think the overall film makes up for the lack of ending. It is like fucking the hottest girl in the world and not being able to cum. Sure you wanted to but at least you got a chance to enjoy it even if the end you are left wanting more.

17. Silent Night Deadly Night- The original. This movie pissed more people off than The Westboro Baptist Church. People take Santa way to serious. Great cast, great kills, like your mom just a great ride.

16. Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas- Kermit rules, animals basically get drunk and play washboards. Love this. Have been watching this since I was a kid.

15. Gremlins- Joe Dante is easily one of my all time favorite directors and this is one of his masterpieces.

14. Jack Frost 2: The Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman- One of the best titles, one of the best sequels, and so many god damn one liners it could get its own Arnold Schwarzenegger type montage.

13. A Very Sunny Christmas- Danny Devito oozing out of the couch as if he was being born is one of the most disturbing things put to celluloid. It gives newborn porn a run for its money.

12. Elves- Nazis, Grizzly Adams and a pervert brother who loves his sisters tig ol bitties.

11. Scrooged- Bill Murray is amazing and this movie is a must watch.  Only Bill Murry could tell this story better than Dickens and Muppets.

10. Classic. Sinbad, Phil Hartman, and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

9. Before he made Hobo with a Shotgun, we got this short film full of so much awesome it is hard to contain my excitement. Starts off with the song from Cannibal Holocaust and then trees talk and kill. The end is worth the price of admission.Which at this point is free but I still hope for a DVD. I don't care if it is fifteen minutes I would still buy it.

8. Jewish Santa, amazing deaths, surreal dialogue, and Curling.  A must watch every year at the house of grog.

7. Christmas Vacation- Classics are classics for a reason. "Shitter was full" one of the best lines in cinema history. I could go on for hours about this but instead just revisit it.

6. Silent Night Deadly Night part 2- Sure this is made of more flashbacks than Dollman vs Demonic Toys but what it has going for it is "Garbage Day."  Yeah, one of the best moments in film period.

5. Friday after Next- The third Friday and maybe the best. All the characters are so goddamn funny. More bootleg snacks than a canned food outlet, and ghetto Santa.

4. Bad Santa- ball punches, funny fat kids, drunk Billy Bob, John Ritter, and so much more awesome. Super underrated.

3. The Original Slasher and all around a great flick. The better of Bob Clark's Christmas double feature.

2. Ernest Saves Christmas- Ernest is one of my heroes and this is one of his best.

1. Christmas Evil- I love everything about this. So awesome and the end is so fucking insane.

Well there you have it. Start hunting if you want a little boost in your Xmas season.  I know some of these I am probably the only one who enjoys but I am OK with that. Make sure you head over to Shit Movie Fest and check out their 25 Days of Shitmas where a lot of these films will be looked at in a more complete fashion.



Mr. Gable said...

I was waiting for Ernest man, I knew it had to be on the list somewhere and then BAM, right there are #2! Great list!

I recently watched "Dark Angel" aka "I Come In Peace" that is about an evil alien drug pusher from space that turns people into a drug he can sell back on his home planet and it's up to DOLPH LUNDGREN to kill it...with bullets and snappy dialogue. Also, it takes place over Christmas :D

Fred [The Wolf] said...

Great list, my man! Seen most of these. Don't necessarily agree with the order but they all have every right to be on here.

Guts and Grog Reviews said...

@Gable. Thanks dude. You know Ernest has to be at the top. He almost made one I just can't ignore my obsession with Christmas Evil. As far as I Come in Peace goes. I deserve to get slapped for leaving this off. I love this film and have revisited it in the last two months. You got me.

@Fred. Thanks a lot. That's the thing about lists, they differ for everyone. There isn't necessarily a real reason that one may find Ernest better then Billy Bob and another sees it differently. It is some weird thing in our brains.

I appreciate all the kind words and call outs from everyone.

Shit Movie Fest said...

I think I am going to rent "Black Santa Revenge" sometime this weekend. I remember seeing the trailer and being Myspace friends with the maker but sorta forgot about it.

Guts and Grog Reviews said...

Do it. It is only like 3.99 to download from their site.

Maggie Kay said...

Thank you for not putting "It's a Wonderful Life" on this list..

Direct to Video Connoisseur said...

Great list! I have Die Hard right at the top, but Ernest Saves Christmas is my number 2. I loved you inclusion of Pandora's Box too, one of my all time favorites, and Santa with Muscles is one I need to revisit this holiday season.

Guts and Grog Reviews said...

Thanks. The fact that you appreciate Pandora's Box and Santa with Muscles is why I will always love the DTVC. I would love to see your write up of that by the way.

Anonymous said...

Nice list, I had completely forgot about "Santa with Muscles." (I.e. my brain had probably blocked it out.)

A mention for next year would be "Silent Night, Bloody Night" starring Mary Woronov (Calamity Jane!) and a inane asylum running amok for Christmas. What every boy wants.

Guts and Grog Reviews said...

Yeah, Santa with Muscles needs to be blocked out. I just can't help myself sometimes though. I thought about putting Silent Night, Bloody Night but it has been so long since I have seen it. I will have to revisit it.