2 Headed Shark Attack- Christopher Ray

     Anyone who follows my nonsense knows that I am unashamedly obsessed with creature movies of all kinds and the badder the better. I am pretty sure I have some kind of split personality disorder as I love both sides of the spectrum when it comes to film, and I mean that in a severe way. One day I will watch David Lynch, Terence Malick and Luis Bunuel then the next switch to anything with The Asylum, Full Moon or Maneater logo on it. I am a glutton when it comes to film, and booze and drugs and music and well you get the point. Well today I woke up and went on a hunt. I was like Jeffery Dahmer  looking for a little boy. I started in one corner and worked my way through. 2 Headed Shark Attack was nowhere to be found. I wiped the tears from my eyes and gave in and just rented it. I luckily live Portland where I can go to the store where coincidentally the writer works and rent this bad boy. It's not the same. It's like when you call for a hooker from Craigslist and think you are getting the one in the picture and Edith Massey shows up(actually if Edith Massey showed up I would do unspeakable things to her while she talked to me about eggs), it's still sweet but not quite the same. Well I guess it was fate as when I got home with my rented copy in hand I found out I randomly won a copy from The Asylum. Now with all this excitement it was time to put this bad boy in. So what are the results?
     2 headed shark is a no bullshit movie, or an all bullshit movie I guess depending on how you look at it. It starts right of the bat with some dickbag kids getting the shit killed out of them. We then meet a group of students on a boat, said 2 headed shark fucks up their boat so they go to an island. Well it's not really an island but that is besides the point. Gabe Nye can explain the difference to you. I don't give a shit. Sound kind of familiar? Well it is and that is the fucking point.  This is where you decide if you are gonna like this movie. Are you going to argue logic, originality and quality? If so why the fuck are you watching an asylum movie. These guys know what they are doing. They are possibly the smartest filmmakers out there. There is a time for art and there is a time to just have a good time. Do you fall in love with everyone you sleep with? If so you probably fell for that super long joke all those one syllable dudes in sandals wrote and you are probably too busy watching Bibleman with Buddy to watch awesome movies like this anyways.   OK, I am ranting as I am sleep deprived, less then sober and well it's what I do. What I am trying to say is you know by the name and cover if this is something you would be interested. No one is going to pick it up and think it is based off of the work of Francis Bacon.
      I will just get to the point. I loved 2 Headed Shark Attack. I love Shark movies and my math is tight enough to know that two is better than one. Most of the characters are insanely stereotyped, Carmen Electra is a Dr. and the Shark either looks like the Jaws NES game or the Lobster from Multiple Maniacs. I say all of these things in highest regard for everyone involved. This movie is self aware, sure in a different way then something like Scream but more in like an Expendables way. They give you everything you could possibly want in a film about a two headed shark. The kills are all fun as hell and will probably make you spit beer everywhere. My one complaint is that this shark is kind of a prude. One thing I have learned in all my years of creature film watching is that while being evil they still will stop unspeakable acts, for instance crocodiles and alligators always stop rape. They have some built in rape sensor that works better than their eyes. I assume Gabe Nye could explain the science behind this so I will have to get back to you on that, but I promise you it is true. Well what I learned today is that two headed sharks hate threesomes. This also leads me to believe that they are the true dicks of the ocean. You don't interrupt a three way.
   
3/5

Tromeric

Can’t Look Away: The Lure of Horror Film- An event overview by Jacob Von Klingele

The Experience Music and Science Fiction Museum in Seattle has been running this special horror movie exhibit for the last few months and I finally scraped together enough money to go check it out.  I’ll just get this out of the way right off the bat, it was fucking amazing.  I’ve been to the Sci-Fi museum a couple of times before and it was cool as hell.  Original props from Star Wars, Star Trek, and a whole slew of other stuff, but a lot of it I’ve seen before and obsessive sci-fi collections are nothing new, but how often do you get to see Jack’s actual axe from The Shining?  Hell, how often do you get a whole museum exhibit devoted to the bastard child of cinema?


The exhibit is curated by Eli Roth, Roger Corman, and John Landis.  They have a really stylish display for each film maker that focuses on one of their movies.  The display is done up to look like a model kit with all the pieces still on the sprue with a video playing interviews with them talking about their influences and movies.  The entire middle of the exhibit was sectioned off into different areas to watch some of the usual horror guys, John  Landis, Mick Garris, Eli, and so on, talking about some of the most influential horror movies of all time.  These were pretty great, a little on the light side for the general public that isn’t obsessed with horror movies like we are, but still a fun watch.  Luckily someone behind the scenes must have been reining Eli Roth in a little, he wasn’t his usual cocky, obnoxious self and I’m guessing at this point I don’t need to describe John Landis or Roger Corman to you.  I’m pretty sure at least one of them is in every horror documentary that’s been made in the last 20 years.

Along both sides there were some great displays.  The best being the timeline of 100 horror movies to see before you die.  It was laid out as a timeline with most of the usual movies you’d expect on there and some cool quotes.  They didn’t get too obscure, but they were all well worth a watch.  Along the bottom of the timeline they had small movie posters for each movie.  This was my first clue that they had people with some horror nerd cred working on this,  They had a great selection of obscure posters.  Most of these movies have posters you’ve seen a million times, so it was great to see what are almost always the better posters.  Along the opposite wall was a list of  horror creatures with descriptions of their abilities and weaknesses.  These had a really cool style to them, but the info is nothing new for a seasoned horror fan.  Side note, I tried getting pictures of these displays, but they were too large and I couldn’t get far enough back.

The real highlight though, and the thing that gave me an enormous nerd boner, was the props.  There was a great set up with so many amazing things.  They ran from the Monster’s boots and head piece from Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein and the mask from the original Mummy all the way up to the hacksaw from the first Saw movie.  It was so great to get up close with some of the older props, like the mask from The Creature From the Black Lagoon, and really see the craftsmanship that went into them.  Then there are the just straight iconic movie items, like Jack’s axe from The Shinning and the face hugger from Aliens that are just incredible to be in the same room with.  Even the stuff from movies I don’t care for like Constantine and the Buffy TV show were great to see and appreciate the work that goes into them.  The real highlights had to be Jason’s mask and machete from the newest movie, Freddy’s glove from the 5th movie, and the mother fuckin’ Critter, but the best of all the was Xenomorph costume from the first Alien.  Anyone who knows me knows I love the hell out of that movie and H.R. Geiger, so seeing this in person was incredible on a whole new level.  There was almost too much to take in, but hopefully some of the pictures will help.

One of the cooler things about the sci-fi museum in general is just getting to see some incredibly rare items and they don‘t let you down here.  I mean props are one thing, but seeing those one in a million things that you’ll never see again is just incredible.  They have the original script for Night of the Living Dead with a handwritten title page and George Romero’s name on the cover. It’s great to have such an important piece of horror history being preserved.  They also had Guillermo Del Toro’s idea journal.  It’s was amazing to be able to see into his head in a way, especially with someone like him.  There was one thing that just floored me though.  They have the original manuscript for Bram Stoker’s Dracula, with notes and corrections by Bram and his brother.  It was unbelievable.  I don’t even care about vampires and this was like seeing the rough draft for the bible, except with less D&D bullshit.  The manuscript is so old and fragile they only display 3 pages at a time and they have to rotate them out to preserve them.  This kind of priceless stuff is worth the price of admission alone.

There were a few interactive kiosks discussing the music of horror, with a great interactive menu and tons of movie clips.  They went well with the discussions of the important horror films I mentioned earlier.  There were also a couple of interactive things that my kids had fun with were you could get your picture taken screaming and some kind of shadow puppet thing that was pretty cool. 

All in all this was an amazing exhibit and I couldn’t recommend in more if you live anywhere in the area and even kind of like horror.  It was well designed, well laid out, and the people involved obviously love horror movies as much as we do.  I was pretty surprised with the amount of violence and gore to.  They had a warning saying it was PG-13 when we were going in, but they had some of the more graphic moments from the movies playing in the clips.  It was nice to see, I was worried they would pull it back too far, but it was a good balance of keeping it accessible to the masses without forgetting that horror should be shocking.

Well, I’m going to go try and get rid of this boner that I’ve had for the last 4 or 5 hours.

Jacob Von Klingele

***While Jacob is trying to get rid of his boner here are some pictures to get your blood flowing.

Father's Day - Astron 6(Adam Brooks/Jeremy Gillespie/Matthew Kennedy/Conor Sweeney)

     Father's Day is one of those rare films that is about as hard to explain as pro-life is to a rape victim. So much happens in these hundred minutes that I am pretty sure Astron 6 just filled a baby up with ideas, ran it over with a semi, rolled it into a little baby ball and fed it to the manatees that write Family Guy. 
     Basic idea of Father's Day is that there is a dude who kind of looks like the Dr. from Human Centipede two raping, disemboweling and killing Fathers, and not necessarily in that order. A team assembles that includes a one eyed bad ass, a priest and David Arquette's  character from that Lukas Haas movie. Strippers, rapists, dirty cops, angels, demons(no Tom Hanks, thank god), and Lloyd Kaufman are just some of the obstacles they will have on their epic journey.
     Over the last few years there has been a kind of grindhouse resurgence and as with most things it has felt the kind of overkill that Sharon Tate's baby felt in 69. I am happy to say that Father's Day is one of the stand out's and like Dear God No! and Hobo with a Shotgun has a lot more going for it than just a gimmick. Father's Day stands on its own like a cripple in space even when listed next to those films.  It takes every convention set and stabs it in the butt hole in slow mo while a killer guitar riff is strummed.  Every time I thought I saw where it was going it would punch me in the dick and say "not this way fucker" which I admit is a strange thing for a movie to do. 
     All rambling aside when Father's Day hits your city or any city you can drive to, Go! Father's Day is offensive, surreal, hilarious, sexy, over the top, ridiculous, insane, full of amazing music and characters, brilliant, full of some of the most creative special effects and set designs, and it will have you asking your dad to play with your insides  while they're on your outside.

4/5


Tromeric

2011 A Year in Review: Films

     So 2011 is over and we are in the year of the apocalypse if John Cusack was right, and I assume he was.  I saw a fuck ton of amazing work genre and otherwise this year.  You had some brutal throwbacks, some amazing indie fare and Lars Von Trier even took a stab at remaking the above mentioned John Cusack end of the world action fest. OK well maybe not a direct remake, 2012 for art fags. I had a really hard time narrowing down a list. I considered doing separate lists for horror and other but I decided fuck that, horror is on the same playing ground so I just went with it. I know lots will disagree and that is OK. Along with what I found to be the 25 best films I am including some side lists and a list of films that I failed to see in time that I think would have had a good chance for the list. Blah Blah Blah, enough foreplay lets get to the good stuff.



      I am starting with five films that I absolutely loved but just don't feel like they are 2011 releases. I have been hearing about most of these since like 2009 and thanks to importing saw most of them last year. They however need to be recognized and all five would be in the top ten if included if not even the top five.

The Taint- This is one of the best low budget sleazy, bloody, offensive masterpieces of the last century. I have watched this so many times. Review here.

A Serbian Film- What can I say that hasn't been said. One scene makes people not pay attention to how fucking great this film is. Review here.

Life and Death of a Porno Gang- Another offering from Serbia. Shocking but gets lost in a certain other Serbian film's shadow. Review here.

Red White & Blue- I saw this in the theater and was blown away. It was soon after released to Netflix where I basically watched it on repeat for weeks. Review here.

Dead Hooker in a Trunk- This is finally getting distribution and everyone owes it to themselves to see it.




      OK. Now I have a list of films I have not seen yet. Some due to not being able to make it to Fantasia or TIFF.  Some I just didn't get around to, and some I would of seen but recently threw out my back and have been stuck at home.

The Artist

Livid

Absentia 

The Divide

Shame

Fathers Day

A Dangerous Method

The Millennium Bug

Panman

Carnage

Detention

You're Next

Sleep Tight

Into the Abyss

We Need to Talk About Kevin
The FP

 

     So much greatness is possible in this list of films. A new Herzog documentary, the madmen that brought us Inside are at it again, Cronenberg, Polanski, and even Troma.  Panman is one of my most anticipated films and I hope it finds distribution just so I can finally see it. OK, now that you know what I didn't see and what I did but don't feel like it fits the criteria that I made up lets get onto it.  These films all had their main theatrical debut in America in 2011. Dates are a confusing thing, sometimes the math to figure out eighteen is a lot harder than Alice Cooper may sing about. Well onward wayward son. I give you the twenty five best films in my intoxicated opinion. 

25A- A Haunting in Salem- I am never afraid to profess my love for The Asylum.  While admittedly more then once I have been let down/bored/suicidal after a viewing there are more that I have more fun watching then I do banging your mom. AHIS is a fun throwback to haunted houses that makes you feel thirteen again without the molestation. Review here.

25B- I know I will get a lot of shit for this. I know people love to hate Michael Bay and even more so his take on the Transformers. Well I don't give a shit. I have fun watching them and sometimes that is what I need. Michael Bay basically just cums explosions and awesome all over the camera lens for three hours. I was never bored. This is the darkest and most well executed of the trilogy and for that I am thankful. Michael Bay please cum on my face again. 

24. Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Clever- I love Full Moon. I have been with them since I first  was jerking off to my grandpa's porno mags in grade school. I have loved all the GDM films. The fist for Busey, the second for a crucified cookie and this one because he dances and time travels. Review here.

23. Rubber- A lot of people did not enjoy this. That is OK. I don't mind being right when everyone else is wrong. It happens a lot. This movie is insane, fun and the music rocked my balls off. Review here.

22. 13 Assassins- I went and saw this on my birthday after a day out with friends full of drinks and sushi. I was hopeful as I hadn't really cared about any of Miike's movies since Gozu.  I assumed he would rock a samurai film pretty hard but after his bull shit western I was leery.   I am glad to be wrong. His take on Kurosawa has elements of Miike with some strange and haunting imagery but is also and action fest full of blood and awesome. 

21. Snowtown- Bleak and captivating and close to what I assume it would feel like to have a baby kicked out of your stomach.  Australia has been responsible for some of my favorite films of the last ten years with films such as Wolf Creek and The Loved Ones. This is quickly added to the list. A must see.

20. The Innkeepers- Ti West has quickly become one of my favorite modern horror directors. House of the Devil is one of my favorites in years and I was very excited for this. The thing is ghost stories overall are not my favorite sub genre. Well I am happy to report that Innkeepers is great and would be higher on my list if it wasn't for such stiff competition this year. Review Here.

19. Stake Land- The Road with vampires. I loved this movie. Bad ass and brutal while remaining believable. Review here.

18. The Last Circus- Alejandro Jodorowsky with some Del Toro. Clowns with guns. Beautiful and exciting. Review here. 

 17. Super- I was lucky enough to get into what ended up being the first official American screening of this in Seattle. Rain Wilson and James Gunn were in attendance and I was blown away. Moments of hilarity while still being brutal, realistic and touching. 

16. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo- David Fincher outside of a couple of flops (I'm looking at you Panic Room)always sucks me in. He tells a story like Grandpa from Troll 2 and that is the best compliment I can think of just to clarify. I mean he made a movie about Facebook that I watched numerous times. That is an achievement I can't even understand. Trent Reznor plays a large part in this with his unbelievable score and the actors all are on their game. 

15. Bereavement- The prequel to Malevolence was a surprise for me this year. I like Malevolence a lot but after years of waiting was not even sure we would ever see this. A third film in the series is rumored and I really hope it happens.  

14. Hesher- Great cast in this dark dramady where Joseph Gordon-Levitt summons Cliff Burton to the screen. So many laugh out loud moments while still staying dark and realistic even if approached from a fantastical POV. Joseph Gordon-Levitt's best performance since Mysterious Skin. 

13.Kill List- A British crime drama full of realistic violence and brutality that eventually punches you in your pregnant stomach with its insane conclusion. 

12. Bellflower- Wow. I don't feel like anything I say will make you understand how amazing this movie is. Sure some of the acting isn't perfect but it is so full of awesome I don't give a shit.  I want Medusa in my life so bad, and a flame thrower? Yeah, a flame thrower. 

11. Auschwitz- Uwe Boll who I think is a misunderstood genius brings his most insane work yet. No video games this time. Instead he takes on one of the worst events in our history books. Part documentary part exploitation you are even less human that me(that is not a good thing) if you aren't moved by this. His most stunning work as a director as well. Outside of the fucked up subject matter the sound and film are beautiful. Review here.

10. Super 8- Some people loved this some hated it, for me it was everything I wanted. I felt like kid again. 

Review here.

9. Tucker & Dale vs. Evil- A perfect example of a horror comedy. I had more fun watching this than almost any film this year. If you haven't see it you need to fix that now. 

8. I Saw the Devil- Korean Revenge film like you have never seen. I saw this in the theater and was blown away.  Things happen in this film that you would never see coming. It's like this. You are my dad and the movie is the semi that killed him. Review here.

7. Melancholia- OK the fact that I have a Lars Von Trier film at number seven shows how good of a year it was for film. All hope is gone. 

6. The Skin I Live In- Almodovar made a monster movie. The best way I have heard it was from a friend of mine. "Just saw The Skin I Live In. Pretty fucked up. I could give you a review, or I could just show you on the doll where this movie gave me the bad touch" - Nicole Lovit. I couldn't of said it better myself.  

 5. The Tree of Life- I am not even going to try and explain why I love this. You know if you do. It was an experience like no other I had this year.

4. Dear God No!- This movie bent me over. I was not ready for the awesome that was about to be unleashed on me when I entered the theater for this. Review here.

3. Drive- Brutal, entertaining, fast, amazing. I could go on and on. After Valhalla Rising I was excited to see what Nicolas Winding Refn would do next and he kicked me right in the dick with this. The soundtrack which was roughly in the same spot on my top albums list is just a much of a character as Ryan Gosling. 

2. The Woman- Lucky McKee has done no wrong in my eyes and him teaming up with Jack Ketchum gave me the biggest boner I am capable of getting. The first time I watched it I was blacked out drunk. I even reviewed it while I was blacked out which I will include. I then watched it two more times the next day. Every time I watch it, it guts me. Review here(Blacked out drunk)

1. Hobo with a Shotgun- I knew it would happen. It had to be Hobo. I watched this so many times this year. VOD/Theater/Netflix/Blu Ray. It gets better every time. Review here.

     Well there it is. So many great movies this year. These are just a taste of the best. There were some great comedies but none of them were quite "best of." Bridesmaids would be the closest for me. That movie made me question my heterosexuality. Other ones were fun like 50/50 which showed us the funny side of cancer or A Good Old Fashioned Orgy which was surprising subtle while still being a lot of fun. Young Adult almost made my top list as well. If anything I hope Patton Oswalt gets an Oscar for it. Paul and Your Highness were fun while Our Idiot Brother and Horrible Bosses surprised me. There were some great documentary's on film such as Machete Maidens Unleashed, More Brains, American Grind house and Nightmares in Red, White and Blue. Errol Morris proved yet again that he is the master of documentary with Tabloid and Herzog made a 3D movie. Comic Book films filled the theaters and there was a few standouts with Thor, Captain America, The Green Hornet and one that came out of nowhere and almost made my list X-Men: First Class. Lets hope Marvel uses this as a model of how all comic films should be made. 

     Well now that 2011 is over I leave you with a list of films that have me shitting myself in excitement for 2012. 

The Dark Night Rises

Prometheus

Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie

Puppet Master X

Piranha 3DD

The Toxic Avenger 5: The Toxic Twins

The Expendables 2

Two Headed Shark Attack

The Sleeper

The ABC's of Death

American Mary

The Cabin in the Woods
VS
John Dies at the End

Well mother fuckers.......See you next year.(or this year if you want to be technical) 

Tromeric