30 Day Horror Challenge day 4

     So we are at day four which brings us to the werewolf film.  Werewolf films are weird. There isn't a ton of them and even fewer I don't think are garbage.  There is of course the classic Wolfman which holds a place in history but compared to the rest of the Universal Monsters is kinda lackluster if you ask me. The Howling and An American Werewolf in London are great and the effects blew my mind like an alter boy at the Vatican. Ginger Snaps is one of my favorites and almost where I went with this but when all is said is done I have to go with Cursed. Oh by the way I almost threw up even just typing that. Cursed was such a steaming pile of elephant dung and was the final nail in Cravens coffin. So now that I got that out of the way here it is. My pick for best Werewolf film.

     Dog Soldiers came out of nowhere. I initially didn't even pay attention to it when I first heard about it. Then I rented it and was blown away. It was like Predator with werewolves and contrary to what P.O.S. says Predator is fucking bad ass. This movie is nonstop action with some effects to match. I put this on when I'm looking for my inner bad ass. It makes me wanna look at porn and eat steak and listen to the Trey Parker song from Orgazmo.


Tromeric

30 Day Horror Challenge day three

So we are at day 3 which is favorite slasher.  I have mixed feelings on this as it depends on how you want to define "slasher." I was thinking about putting Maniac or The Prowler as I absolutely love both of those films but I don't know if I quite consider them slasher films, I think of them more as body count films. Not Cop Killer Body Count but you get the point. Then there are of course the classics say Psycho, Friday the 13th, Halloween, Black Christmas. All great in their own right but still not quite where my brain goes when I just want a slash some bitches fun fest. I narrowed it down to Slumber Party Massacre, Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers, and The Burning.  Now with those I have to pick one. This list thing is way harder then I expected.  Well my final choice is .....

I hate to use the same franchise I did for the first day but when I just want a slasher with amazing kills, great music and an amazing killer I always pop in this gem.  It is my idea of a perfect slasher and I always have the God Damn Happy Camper song stuck in my head for days.  

Die-ner(get it?)- Patrick Horvath

     So I got real drunk and put this little gem on. I was expecting some garbage with a few redeeming qualities kinda like Retardead or something like that. I hit the play button after my fifth spider bite and the opening happened and I already knew I had looked at this all wrong. It's like when you wake up in the morning and the girl you brought home with you  is in the shitter and you have the moment of fear when she walks out assuming you brought home a yeti or some shit and then are pleasantly surprised when shes not half bad.
     DIEner starts off with a back and forth between a South African waitress(I was sold just on the fact she was South African) and a traveler.  The back and forth is very believable and tense all at the same time which is when I realized I had judged this movie wrong. The traveler guts her and the cook and we get a sweet opening credit sequence reminiscent of a late H.G. Lewis movie.  Next up we have a couple who is fighting because they finally realized there is no such thing as true love.  There is some awkward back and forth between them and the traveler who is now pretending he works at the diner. Next up we have the sheriff who came straight off the set of Dukes of Hazard. Now all hell breaks loose as for some unknown reason everyone starts turning into zombies. They don't explain it and I am OK with that. I will quit there as the rest is better left to the viewer to discover.  The thing about DIEner is everyone in it is really good. I didn't expect that. The killer is reminiscent of Paul Rudd and plays his character right on the line of creepy and likable. He would make a great child molester. The couple is believable and pulls off all the tension and humor quite well.
      DIEner is not a perfect film but put it in and you will be surprised at what they pulled off for what I am sure was quite the modest budget. There are worse ways to spend an evening and this one has no risk of and STD so thats gotta count for something.

3.5/5


Tromeric

30 Day Horror Challenge Day two

     OK day two which is The horror film that you relate most to. This was a hard one for me. What direction to go? I have never killed anyone so what part do I relate with. I though about Inside as I hate babies so I guess I could relate to Sharron Tate style abortions but not really.  I work in a diner so I could relate to Blood Diner but we don't serve people.  Well here is what I ended up deciding on. 




Trick or Treat- I grew up in the 80's and loved me some metal. I would listen to my Scorps tapes on my walkman. I always wanted my music to come alive and kill all the douche around me.  Granted it didn't but I still said sweet things like "death to false metal."

Day one of a 30 day horror challenge I am taking part in

So I noticed Dollar bin Horror put up a 30 day horror challenge and I cant pass up a challenge so here is day one of said challenge. Make sure to check out their page for their results.


Day one: A horror film that no one would expect you to love, but you do.

    I will go with Return to Sleepaway Camp. This movie was so hated and I don't get it.  It is the return from Robert Hiltzik and captures the feel of the original. I love all the sequels but one is a classic and why I loved it from the first time I saw it when I was barely dick high is everyone in it is basically a piece of shit and I was stoked when they got their dumb ass face boiled off. This movie changed nothing but I sure enjoyed watching more hi jinx at sleepaway camp. This is brutal and angry and is fun to put in grab a glass and get your hatred out. Then of course follow it up with Ernest Scared Stupid. 


Tromeric

The Garbage Pail Kids- Rod Amateau

    So due to a challenge called out by Mr. Gable himself three brave solders set out to play a game of torture and gambling of their own self worth with a viewing of the 80's sleaze kids debauchery known as the Garbage Pail Kids.    It was on this weekend in March that Morbid Dementia, Mr. Gable and I Tromeric set out on our mission and because we are brave warriors(or in my case because of the massive amount of booze) we survived this mission with very few injuries.  These are our findings. Look below for my review then make sure you follow the links to the other two as they actually succumb to the English language.


     People like to complain about this movie, they talk about how bad and cheesy and ridiculous it is.  Excuse me? Are you talking about that movie based off a set of trading cards where they shit their pants and vomit and fart a lot?   I would just like to let everyone know that that movie staring The Fat Boys as orderlies isn't Oscar worthy. Jesus people what did you expect? I am sorry Orson Wells
did not come back from the dead to lens this modern masterpiece of farts and vomit. I will take the next sentence or two to explain this gem, if it takes that long.
     Dodger works at the antique store from Friday the 13th the series, he is like 12 and in love with a twenty something year old who is boning a Kevin Dillon lookalike reject named Juice who has nothing to do with 2Pac.  Juice and his gang?(one douche in a fishnet vest and some viking woman in some gross ass leotards) like to fuck with Dodger and Tangerine doesn't seem to mind.  A fight ensues and the gross garbage can that Captain warned him is the only thing not to fuck with of course opens up.  Dodger is thrown into the sewer where we finally meet our friends the GPK.  They get him all cleaned up, piss shit and puke on him(most movies with this I have to get at a different kinda store). Well for the next hour we see the kids make him some "sweet" stylish cloths that Tangerine can exploit by shoving her hot little 80's boobies in his face.  The kids get into trouble and all kinds of shenanigans ensue.  They meet up with some bikers at the toughest bar in the world. This is good as they will need their help when the poor little shits get taken to the asylum for the ugly.  Well you get it, it is pretty God damn basic but what the fuck did you expect.
     In closing I will reiterate, how do you not know what to expect?  I mean its the mother fucking Garbage Pail Kids.  I used to ride my Schwinn Predator(not that dude in the windowless van with unlimited candy or the alien warrior but a sweet bike) to the corner store with whatever change I could scrounge up just to buy a pack and laugh my ass off at what clever bodily function they made a character out of. This movie is by no means perfect, it like the bible is full of plot holes and confusing and supposedly has a message but is so convoluted it is laughable, but I will take the same stance many people seem to take on the bible and look the other way and just except it.  I mean for fucks sake its the God damn Garbage Pail Kids, I don't remember Jesus giving anyone a hot lunch, if he did I may of taken a different path in this life.  So I guess what I am saying is don't be a pussy.  GPK for life.

3.5/5

Tromeric



Alright try and sober yourself up after that and make sure you head over to Mr. Gables and Morbid Dementia's for their take.

I Saw the Devil- Jee-woon Kim

     Holy shit, I Saw the Devil takes the serial killer/revenge flick turns it around and fucks it right in the ass with that strap on from Seven.
     Oldboy himself has himself a little hobby, he likes to rape, torture and kill bitches. He is kinda like BTK except less of a pussy because he doesn't go to church after. He stops his short bus to help Storm Shadows fiance how has a flat. He decides fuck helping he would rather shatter the window and her face.  This of course pisses Storm Shadow off so he goes on a hunt fucking Charles Bronson style.  First he straight up fucks up a couple of  lowlifes until he finds the right one.  He then sets out to make this guy feel the pain he has felt.  The thing is how do you make a monster feel?  Unless your talking about Frankenstein's monster from The Monster Squad its not that easy. You have to become a monster yourself. I will stop here as the ride is one of the highlights of this.
     In conclusion watch this fucking movie.  It is damn near perfect.  The cinematography is fucking beautiful, I have never seen a naked Asian woman covered in blood and wrapped in plastic look so god damn amazing. The music is spot on and the editing keeps the story flowing more than an anemic on her period.  The acting is flawless and well just about everything in this is perfect.  We may have it folks the first perfect film of the year. I saw the devil and fucked me real good.

5/5

Tromeric

Rubber- Quentin Dupieux

     Holy shit. Rubber. It is like Au Hasard Balthazar but with a tire instead of a donkey. It has the spirit of David Lynch and the best friend from UHF.
     It opens up with a car approaching hitting every chair in the obstacle course. You would be lying if you tried to deny that it was an Asian woman approaching  but to the shock of us all it is a Sheriff who is gonna pop out of the trunk way easier than that girl I put in my trunk last week.  This Sheriff is a poor mans James Woods and he is here to break the third wall more than JCVD. He explains that many movies have confusing elements and basically who gives a fuck?  This speech reminded me of Blood Freak but with less coughing fits. Now we see the audience who are handed binoculars so they can watch the movie the same way my poor ass did when I was a kid when I lived next to the drive inn. This crew throughout the film lends its thoughts, kinda like an Oliver Stone commentary if done by the MST3K crew.
     Now for the next hour we get to see a tire become Carrie White while pulling some Scanners ass shit and stalking woman as if Michael Powell was behind the camera. It is non stop amazing what the fuck party time.  I don't feel the need to go on as if you aren't convinced that you need to watch this you were the star of newborn porn when you were a baby and there is no coming back for you.
    I will leave you with a direct transcribing of a text convo between Gabe Nye the Science Guy and I as we were watching it at roughly the same time.



Tromeric: "So I may be drunk but regardless the music in Rubber is so bad ass. I just realized I am dancing Beavis and Butthead style by myself. "

Gabe Nye the Science Guy: "That's pretty hilarious. The music is perfect though."


Tromeric: " I am in fucking love. Fuck. Tricycle and a gang of tires while Goblins bastard grandson rocks the synth. This movie made my shit rock hard."

Gabe Nye the Science Guy: " Fuckin' A. It's a work of genius."


Yeah. This movie is that bad ass.  Watch it and love it.


4.5/5

Tromeric

Battle: Los Angeles- Jonathan Liebesman

     Battle is like trying to cum five times in one sesh. May seem like a good idea but by the end you just want it to end and your ass hurts from trying new positions.



1.5/5

Tromeric

My Soul to Take- Wes Craven

     Wes Craven used to be a bad ass. He made a girl piss herself for real, he introduced us to Michael Berryman, can I just say Freddy fucking Krueger.  He sent Horrice Pinker into your electric system and fucked up a bitches head with a basketball.  There is also the other side of Craven which brought us such dogshit as a werewolf flipping the bird, passenger 58 and putting Michel Berryman in a mountain dew commercial. What I am saying is like mass genocide there have been ups and downs.The basic idea is pretty simple so Ill lay that out just like I layed out your mom last night.
     So some dude is crazy and pulls a Sharron Tate on his wife and says some stupid shit.  An ambulance crashes and we jump ahead 16 years later where seven kids who were all born on the same day that crazy ass's ambulance swerved and pulled a princess Dianna are hanging out at the crash site where for whatever reason they have kept the scene alive. The crazy dude shows up and starts killing off these douche sacks. Lots of red herrings and boring deaths.
     So now that you know the boring ass premise I will say this.  I don't really know what Wes was going for here. I'm convinced that he took all of his movies and made a big fuck you casserole out of them.  There are some very obvious borrowed story lines and  moments from pretty much all of his filmography, most notably A Nightmare on Elm St., Scream and Shocker but aside from Music of the Heart and Vampire in Brooklyn I think he pretty much nailed all of them.  The dialogue is fucking stupid and the kids are all around pretty unlikable. He does dabble in some pretty offensive ideas and I will admit seeing a ginger Jesus freak get  the Al Jazeera video treatment was pretty god damn entertaining.
     I guess what I am saying is that this movie makes no fucking sense.  It is run of the mill and bat shit crazy all at the same time, it is predictable and confusing in the same moment and it confuses me on weather I want to hate fuck or love rape Wes Craven.

2.5/5


Tromeric

Drive Angry 3D- Patrick Lussier

     Holy shit I just blew a huge fucking load of sperm out my dick, it was flying towards the screen in slowmo when another batch of love juice shot out going faster and zoomed in and shot the first load in half that than bukaked all over the audience.
      Drive Angry is one big orgasm, right from the start it penetrates every hole you have and gives no apologies.  Nicholas Cage is less crazy then usual but still fucking hilarious and bad ass.  Amber Heard is so fucking sexy that after I left I had to walk around like a greater than symbol the whole way home.  William Fichtner gives one of the best performances I have seen in a long fucking time.  He is so subtly condescending, arrogant and laugh out loud hilarious that I stopped thinking about Amber Heards ass, briefly but still that has to mean something.  Everyone in this is at the top of their game, sure I'm guessing Oscars wont be handed out but everyone is entertaining as shit.  All the supporting cast is great as well, Christa Campbell, David Morse, the dad from the rapey eyed vampire films and of course mother fucking ATKINS!!!!
      The plot is simple, Nicholas Cage is pissed because his daughter eats dick hangs out with crazy Christ freaks that are actually Satan loving hippies and gets herself killed.  He comes back from "prison" to make jokes, fuck, fight, shoot in slowmo and drive like James Taylor.  Along the way he has to deal with old enemies, cops, cult members and an accountant from hell.
     This movie does not need to be analyzed,  it doesn't matter. It is a road revenge supernatural action comedy full of nudity, gore, and car chases.  Its a popcorn movie, only its a popcorn movie where you pull your dick out, cum all over the popcorn, set it on fire and throw a baby on the semen covered bucket in hopes that the dark lord will take you on a joy ride.

Tromeric


3.5/5

Mega Shark versus Crocosaurus- Christopher Ray

     Oh my God Christ. The Asylum gives me another boner from hell(and I like hell).  Mother fucking Urkel  is a navy bad ass.  He teams up with the Dr from that shitty Star Trek(like that narrows it down). I am so stoked right now, its like the time I found out my pregnant girlfriend "accidentally fell" out of bed onto the conveniently placed replica of the sword of truth. 
     Urkel doesn't think that the shark is dead, some grease monkey thinks crocs are bad ass, some people die and all these people team up to take these bitches out. Like all Asylum movies you know what you are getting into, badassary. How can you not love this shit, two giant animals that keep changing sizes fuck shit up and washed up actors from previous eras make their "comebacks."I have so much to say about how awesome this is but the 12 hours of drinking is making me have the typing slurrs.  So I will leave it to you, do you see that poster. Yeah that happens. If you don't want to go out and buy this your a terrorist.  You hate our freedom. Sleep well. I will.






3.5/5

Tromeric

Moby Dick- Trey Stokes

     Oh the Asylum is one of the best things that has ever happened in our existence. Yeah tearing down the great wall was OK, but seriously a huge shark didn't eat the great wall.
     The Asylum takes on a literary classic this time.  Moby Dick is here to fuck shit up, and this time Brad Majors is around to take this mother down.
     This is a modern retelling of the classic and the Asylum pulls no punches.  Moby Dick is one scary looking mother and he is gonna get Mr. Ahab, last time he got his leg which good ol Barry reminds of about a thousand times but this time he wants the whole package. 
      This has it all, tons of action, amazing effects(you decide what this means), and acting and quotable script that will put Arnold to shame.  I could go on to explain what happens, but who gives  a shit. You know what you are getting here. The Asylum takes on Moby Dick, Barry Bostwick acts his ass off and bitches get attacked by a giant whale.  Do you need to know anymore? If you do, I will have Mr. Bostwick set Micheal J Fox on you with a meat cleaver, and you know he wont be able to hold that shit still.

3/5


Tromeric

Dear Mr. Gacy- Svetozar Ristovski

     I love Serial Killers.  I have read so many books, constantly  read serial killer calenders articles and look at all their merch with seamen leaking out of little tromeric dreaming of owning all the statues, not to mention all the movies I have spent time watching. There have been some great ones, amazing documentary's, movies like Monster and the Manson family that have blown my fucking mind, and of course all the shitty ones. I mean for Christs sake I watched a movie where fucking Kane Hodder plays Ed Gein. Really?  The thing is I still watched it and would watch it again. I guess what I am saying is I am slightly biased.  With that said, Dear Mr. Gacy is in its own fucking boat.  Its like The Asylums Titanic 2, no Leo love bullshit here just badassary. 
     Dear Mr. Gacy is very dialogue driven. It is based off the book The Last Victim by Jason Moss and is very different than the majority of the Serial Killer movies that have been released.  It is mostly carried by William Forsythe who plays Gacy in a chilling and remarkably realistic fashion. Jessie Moss is also unbelievable as Jason Moss.
     This movie will get under your skin, the letters and conversations had between Gacy and Moss will have you clenching your asshole as if you were playing the oops poops gamble. It is very tension based and is more effective than setting a horse loose in Christopher Reeves house. From start to finish you will cringe at these convo's.  They just keep happening.  You are watching these two men get underneath each others skin but in turn your skin will rip itself off and start making itself into lampshades.  I am rambleing. Gordon and Evan are working it in my bloodstream.  If you want to see some great fucking acting that is equally interesting as it is disturbing give this shit a watch.  We all have a dark side and it is important to delve into it in healthy ways such as reading and watching and studying, otherwise you may become this sick fuck who can only feel alive if your the one that everyone is reading essays on.
     Long story short.  Great acting, disturbing as fuck, interesting and important. 

3.5/5

Tromeric

It is fine. Everything is fine!- Crispin Glover/David Brothers

    It has been a while since my jackassary caused my computer to fry like Horace Pinker.  Unfortunately my computer didn't come back to life and travel as electricity through the TV.  If it had that is a sacrifice I would of been willing to take.  Anyways,  I am gonna return with a movie that I loved but am not really sure how to review. I was lucky enough to catch a screening of it with Crispin Glover in attendance doing a sideshow and Q and A.   It was a great night all around, I was like a gitty schoolgirl about to get my first deep dicking.  I knew it may have its moments of pain but overall was gonna be unforgettable and amazing. I imagine it is like the joy of finding out you are having a baby, only I wouldn't push Crispin Glover down a flight of stairs. Well now I will attempt to explain this without ruining anything.
     This is a somewhat autobiographical fantasy of its star and writer Steven C. Stewart who you may of seen as the man in the clam shell getting an H.J. from the big titted monkey in What is it?  Wright is in real life and in the film a man with severe cerebral palsy, he is in a nursing home and is pretty hard to understand, at first this is a bit off putting but as the film continues it fades away and becomes about as unimportant as a woman in china. Crispin Glover himself explained this during the Q and A that if he had put subtitles in it wouldn't be as shocking that this man could get so many ladies to fall for his charm.  The first woman he encounters is the amazing Margit Carstensen who you may recognize from many of
Rainer Werner Fassbinder's films. He then moves onto her daughter and just heads down the line, fucking and loving and killing and not always in that order.
    It is fine is surreal at times, but always beautiful, shocking, and absurd. Some may find it hard to get past the language barrier of Mr Wright but anyone willing to will be rewarded with one of the most unique and exciting viewing experiences I have had the pleasure of having. If Crispin makes it to your town I suggest making a night of it, it is like nothing you will have the pleasure of experiencing.

4.5/5


Tromeric