Video Naties: The Definitive Guide

I was thrilled to hear Severin Films was finally bringing this beast to the States. Beforehand, you could only get an imported copy for out of print prices. I luckily was able to procure a copy when it was first released, but have since lost it, and was not about to fork out a hundred bucks for something I assumed would be in print again. I was right, and Severin came through.

The meat and potatoes of this set is definitely Jake West's(Evil Aliens) documentary Video Nasties: Moral Panic, Censorship And Videotape. It is an overall look at the 72 films that made this infamous list, as well as a history lesson of VHS invading your homes, or at least the homes of some British personalities that I am sure you will recognize. Since its initial release, we have gotten a couple of documentaries on VHS history. First with Adjust Your Tracking, and then with Rewind This. Those films made this part of the lesson seem regurgitated, but as I remembered, this was before those, and it only takes up mere moments of the film. It is also still interesting to see and hear from a different side of the world on these moments in history.

The film starts off with a graveyard full of these films being showcased. Imagine Sam Raimi building a contraption to go through the graveyard in one shot, while The Damned sing their amazing, and fitting song "Nasty." This basically sums up the opening. Sure Sam Raimi had nothing to do with it, but the amazing way this intro was filmed had his influence all over it.

Interviews range from film personalities such as Neil Marshall, Andy Nyman, Kim Newman,  and Christopher Smith. They tell stories of seeking these out as children. They wanted to find the sickest, most gruesome, yet entertaining films they could. They would rent them, and have parties to showcase them to all their friends. An action I very much can relate to. Where it changes from what I grew up with, is when the BBFC comes in and censors them, and causes a mass panic. I was lucky enough to  not have to deal with this kind of shenanigans. At least not until Blockbuster showed up on the scene and secretly did something similar, but alas, that is not what this is about. This is about the famous list of 72 films, mostly picked on solely due to title and cover art. It can be infuriating to see such reckless abuse of power, and those points are further driven home by stories of imprisonment, and businesses being destroyed.

Don't let this scare you off, sure it deals with these things, and they are important to our history, but it is also an amazingly entertaining film. Clips from some of your favorite 70s/80s horror flicks followed by brief commentary on them from an insanely interesting bunch of people. They even go into detail on how it affected culture at the time. Stories from many are told, as well as TV references, including, but not limited to The Young Ones and the episode "Nasty."

In the end this is 90 minutes well spent if you are a fan of cinema, specifically horror cinema. It is important to not forget the past, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy a history lesson. This was a trip down memory lane, even if I wasn't directly involved in the movement.

Adjust Your Tracking, Rewind or Die, and kick Mary Whitehouse to the curb. Revel in your nastiness. 



Discs two and three have trailers for all 72 films on the list, as well as introductions from Emily Booth on both discs. Disc two is the 39 films that were successfully prosecuted. Disc three is the 33 films that were originally banned, but eventually acquitted. You can watch these just as trailer reals, which is perfect for parties. Or, you can watch them with introductions from a variety of experts on the subject. With this feature you are looking at roughly ten hours of entertainment. I have watched through these before, but that didn't stop me from spending a whole day off doing it again for this review. These are full of great information, as well as hillarious anecdotes from a who's who of horror film and journalism.

This is a set any lover of horror, or history of cinema must own. The documentary is excellent, and that is the just the beginning. The features will keep you salivating for hours.


Video Nasties: Moral Panic, Censorship And Videotape- 4.5/5
Extras-5/5

This will be released June 3rd and can be picked up directly at Severin, as well as many other outlets.


-Tromeric

Scream Park- Cary Hill

Scream Park is a new slasher film put out by Wildeye Releasing. A company that I have been pretty happy with in recent times. Sure they have had a few less then stellar releases, but overall they have put out some pretty fun genre fare.

The film starts, and you instantly know that you are in the hands of lovers of the slasher genre. The opening credits are an homage, pretty much to the point of theft, of the early Friday the 13th Films. The font, the title card, the music. It bleeds Jason.

Once the film actually starts we are greeted with an intro that had me feeling like I was watching a Soul Asylum video, or at least some nineties alternative rock special on 120 Minutes. A quick montage of the park including scenes of roller coasters and games. Was I watching the sequel of Adventureland? Only with more blood? One could hope.

The basic story is that the park is on its last leg, and needs some financial help stat. It is closing, and it looks like nothing is gonna change that. The employees convince the manager to let them throw a party in honor of the park. The girls use their breasticles to sway him their way. Of course it quickly becomes a place where teens can drink, smoke, fuck, and take drugs. Growing up in the eighties, I instantly know this means these kids are on the verge of death. Sure enough not long after the first few pulls off a bottle, or thrusts into a vagina, the killers show up to save the morals of the American teen. Or just because they are sick, or there may be more to it. I will save that for your viewing pleasure.

At its core Scream Park is another slasher film similar to the thousands that saturated the market in the eighties. It is also an homage to those movies, and as a lover of those films no matter how over saturated. I always welcome a good slasher into my life. They may be simple, but it is generally a good way to kill a couple hours.

Doug Bradley of Hellraiser fame has a small, albeit important role. The effects are brutal, effective, and fun. Just the way I want them in a slash 'em up fest. The Blood flows, the tops come off(at least one of the), and it captures that sleazy eighties feel pretty fantastically. The Killers are pretty effective, and the music fits perfect.

This is not a genre changing film. It really has nothing new to offer, but if you aren't interested in changing the world just yet, and just want a fun throwback to a time where all you needed was a couple of creative kills, a girl who will take her top off, and buckets of karo syrup.....have I got a film for you.

The DVD comes with few special features. Nothing to blow your mind, but if you're too intoxicated to get up and switch the disc there is a commentary track, some trailers, and a blooper reel.

Film 3/5
Disc 3/5

-Tromeric

Did You Just Queef In My Mouth? A Night In Tromaville, And A Return To Nuke 'Em High

I have been a Troma kid pretty much my whole life. Many evenings were spent digging through the TV Guide looking for any and all horror, cult,and  B films. It was a different time, and I didn't have the internet, so the guide was my best option. I started noticing Troma pretty early on. That intro, the music, the logo. It stuck with me. I would see it on Cinemax. I would see it on USA Up All Night, and I would see the logo at the video store. It quickly became something I had to get if I saw the logo. That of course failed me a few times, but overall if it had the Troma logo, I was more excited than Victor Salva on the set of Little Rascals.

Outside of Toxie, Class of Nuke 'Em High and its subsequent sequels became favorites of mine. I loved the Cretins, I loved the theme song, I loved the boobs. I could pop in any of the nuke 'em movies, and just get lost in the post apocalyptic world that I had grown to feel was a glimpse into the future, or at least I hoped it was. I know that is probably not the intention of the films, but I wanted to go to Nuke 'Em High. I wanted to become a cretin and fuck up everyone's day. I wanted to hang out with all the sexy cretin girls, and party with the dudes, hell if I had enough grog, we would probably work something out for everyone, but that is a different story, saved for my cretin erotica book I am working on. Anyways, I am a Troma kid, and last night I was lucky enough to see RTNEH on the big screen along with plenty of antics from Lloyd Kaufman, and his wife the former New York film commissioner. I along with a group of the grogsters including, but not limited to, Steph Infection, Seth The Zombie, and Toxic Tony headed out to witness this new Troma film, that is part sequel, part re imagining, dare I say it, part remake, to one of my favorite films from the eighties.

Which one did I go to? You decide.

The film opens with a little flashback to original, and explains that the power plant is gone, and the new Tromorganic food stuff plant took its place. I assume this is their way of saying we aren't in an age where we aren't scared of power plants, we are scared of all that evil food. As I mentioned before, this is an updated version. Yes, in a way it is a remake, but mostly it is a new story for a new era, with all kinds of nods to the original. I had goosebumps within seconds of it starting. Boobs, blood, cameos, bad puns, melting flesh. This was indeed a Troma film, made for Troma fans. Once a few of the kids get infected the fun really starts.

As with most Troma films, specifically the ones that Lloyd is directly involved with, this film has social commentary oozing out its anus. Yeah it is sandwiched in between queefs, penis monsters, dick and fart jokes, sex, exploding pregnant woman. You know? Important things. Seriously though, I have always loved Kaufman's ability to bring serious issues to the forefront using tools like vaginal farts and what have you. Obviously there is plenty to be said about the state of the food industry, as well as LGBT rights, net neutrality, corporations, and everything else.

The effects in this thing straight kill it. I saw Drew Bolduc listed as one of the credits for special effects in the beginning. You may recognize his name as being the director of the masterpiece The Taint, and the upcoming Science Team. I always love the effects in Troma films, but seeing his name got me all wet, and a bit worried that my cock may explode from the awesome. I was right, minus the exploding cock, which is fine by me. Still a few years left in this bad boy. There were a few digital effects, but for the most part it was all old school slimy, oozy, exploding awesome. There are definitely some gross out moments in this beast.

The acting is perfect for Troma, overacting multiplied by eleven. Every person in this puts their all into it. Whether it is Lloyd himself portraying the president of Tromorganic, the glee club singing and slicing up Tromaville's citizens, or the leads falling in love, fucking, and queefing.

Cameos and references a plenty. So many shout outs to Troma films of every decade, as well as other classic cinema and pop culture. I don't want to ruin the cameos, as there are some pretty epic ones, and surprise is definitely part of the fun, but I would say there are at least thirty rocking, obscure cameos. 

I spent last night in Tromaville. With friends, family, and the king himself. I was blown away by the feelings it caused me. I am not solely talking about the bulge in my pants, although that was definitely there, as there are some beautiful people undressing, and having a blast as has come to be expected from Troma, but also just moments of pure bliss. I am impressed that thirty years later Troma can still make me feel the way I did in my room as a child, staying up late to catch them on cable. I laughed, I smiled, I was truly happy, and felt like I was witnessing history being shat on the screen in front of me. Return is a return for Troma. A return to the anarchist, fuck the system cinema they helped create so many years ago. As a dude in his thrities, I have not wanted to re-enroll in high school this much, well since ever.

This is volume one. It is half of the story. It doesn't end. It is like a to be continued episode of your favorite show, just one where you have to wait longer. It is killing me that I can't watch part two right now. I am insanely excited for volume two, hell I am bummed I have to work tonight, as if not I would definitely be returning for a second screening.

Catch Return at a screening in your city, or pick up the Blu, which hits later this month. Hell, do both. Buy two.

4.5/5

 -Tromeric

Ass To Mouth With Kimmy Gibbler: A Look At Atom The Amazing Zombie Killer- Zack Beins/Richard Taylor

Atom is just your everyday horror nerd. He loves zombies, horror, kicking it with his friends, and bowling. He has a girlfriend who loves to fuck, but doesn't appreciate any of his passions. She thinks his friends are useless, that his life is lacking purpose, and wants nothing to do with zombies, or horror of any kind. She is a horror hating whore basically. After Atom is kicked out of the bowling league thanks to those asshole slashers, his girl convinces him to skip movie night with the boys to go to some bullshit ass shit RomCom. He uses some tomfoolery to get her into the new zombie film. She is not amused. She pukes, he motorboats it. It's not enough. She leaves him for Dario. What is he to do now? Save the world from the zombie apocalypse? That is, if there is a zombie apocalypse. We will take a journey in and out of reality with Atom to find out what the true threat is.

Within seconds of popping this bitch in, I felt like I had taken a time machine back to my childhood. Sitting in my bedroom, watching the VHS I had rented. Or even recording it off of "USA Up All Night."
Atom the Amazing Zombie Killer is reminiscent of  many of the Troma films I grew up on. It is in your face with obscenities, disgusting sound effects, gore gags, references, taglines, puns, and hilarity.

The acting is the fun kind of bad. Not trying to hard out of nervousness, but trying to hard, because it's fun. The costumes and set design are often used as a punchline, and they aren't just tongue in cheek with the dialogue. They take their tongue, and forcibly shove it down your throat, until it comes out of your asshole, and sneaks up on your friend. It then starts giving your friend the best rim job they have ever had. They look satisfied, but ashamed. You may be worried, but you will quickly realize that shame is easy to get over, and you and your friend are having the time of your life. I may have gotten a bit off track. Basically I am saying this movie is pretty funny, and share a rimmy with your friend.

This is a film for people who enjoy taking low brow, and finding a way to stomp it into the ground. It has a ton of heart, sure when you poke the heart with a stake it oozes fecal matter, but it still has heart. It wasn't made to change the world. It wasn't made to win an Oscar. It was made because some dudes love horror, and wanted to share that love with the world. They wanted to have a good time making a film, and in turn you will have a good time watching it.  It is gross, fun, hilarious, slimy, oozy, ridiculous, and more over the top than a semi truck in an arm wrestling match.

3.5/5



-Tromeric

This Is So Not Good: Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark- Emile Edwin Smith

Another shark movie. Didn't see that coming. The Asylum unleash more beasts onto the small screen. This time one of them happens to be made of metal, and will not be used for chum.

The megalodon is back. This time it is tearing up Australia. Good thing there is a married couple driving a metal shark. They are accompanied by Nero, an operating system with a little more control than probably necessary. They don't take kindly to megalodons, and spend like an hour trying to destroy it. Unfortunately they have no luck. The good news! Debbie Gibson took a  break from masquerading with the Circle Jerks to do some science. With the help of a couple beakers and a computer, she finds out the shark just really wants to bust a nut. He has some massive build up of shark sperm, and it is making him see red. The only cure. Find a sexy shark, bang, and fill the sea with BP levels of goo. They decide to use the metal shark as their own personal black widow. It plays out like an episode of Loony Toons where Bugs dresses up like a lady to arouse Elmer Fudd long enough to end him.

As has been stated many times. When it comes to these giant creature films. You already know what you think. They are not high art, and never were meant to be. If you enjoy the shenanigans of video game sharks and hilarious one liners, this is for you. If you prefer something original and well thought out, probably want to skip this one. If you want to let all your reservations go, turn off your brain, and put yourself in an entertaining coma, can I recommend Mega Shark vs ............


3/5


-Tromeric

Fantasm- Kyle Kuchta

I remember back in the eighties and nineties, I would read through Fangoria and constantly see adds for conventions. It blew my mind. The thought of meeting Freddy, Jason, The Tall Man. I would have killed at least seven orphans to make it to one. The thing is, I was in Washington, and most the conventions seemed to be East Coast. There were occasionally one in California, but for a ten year old that was about a days worth of driving I couldn't pull off. I dreamed of the day I could finally hit one of these beasts. I made it to few smaller comicons, and even went to Twin Peaks fest five years in a row, which was amazing, don't get me wrong, but I longed for a real horror con. Just thinking about it had the same effect that seeing Phoebe Cates in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" had. Lots of boners, if you didn't catch where I was going.

Jump ahead to the new millennium. I heard about Crypticon Seattle. A full fledged horror convention coming to Seattle. I was living about a hundred and fifty miles away at the time, but knew I had to make the trip. My mind was blown. So many people in one room, talking horror, selling horror, and hanging out with so many people I had only known through films until that point. My life was different for the better.

We now get to Fantasm, finally. Kyle Kuchta sets out on a journey to a handful of horror conventions. Interviewing celebrities, vendors, and fans. Most of the time all are one in the same. He digs into why they are such a hit?, if the popularity will ever go away?, and most importantly, why everyone loves them so much?

The interviews stay interesting throughout, spliced with him explaining his love, and why he set out on such a project. I found myself intrigued the whole time, never bored, but just wanting more.  My biggest complaint would be that the run time is under an hour. With that said, I also appreciate it not being overkill. Many filmmakers are so afraid to cut things, that it becomes less entertaining,and more of a chore to finish. I guess what I am saying is that a short run time is not always a bad thing. I am looking at you "Terror Toons."

If you have ever been, or just wanted to attend a horror convention, I can't recommend this enough. Kuchta has captured the feeling you get from a convention and locked it onto celluloid. I can't thank him enough for this.

"Fantasm" is playing at select film fests and conventions now. You can also watch it for free this month(2/14) online as part of the New Hollywood Online Film Festival.

4/5

- Tromeric

Crystal Lake Memories: The Complete History of Friday the 13th- Daniel Farrands

I have lived with Friday the 13th my whole life. The first one came out the year I was born, and by the time I was six or seven I was watching them all religiously after I caught part five on cable and fell in love. Through the years I continued to watch them sometimes one at a time, sometimes in marathon form, especially on any Friday the 13th that popped up. Jason is a huge part of our culture, and I dare you to find someone not familiar with his name.

"Crystal Lake Memories" spends just shy of seven hours going over every detail of the process of bringing him from the bottom of Crystal Lake all the way to space, or even pot fields. To some that might scare you off. I mean seven hours is a long time, don't worry. It's worth it. I put this bad boy in and was hooked right off the bat. I watched the entire thing in one sitting, then turned around the next day and watched it again, with commentary.

You will learn and hear from a large majority of people that have been involved over the years. I could nitpick that some are missing, but with this many people involved it is not realistic to get everyone. Sure Kevin Bacon was busy, but for that there are hundreds of others that took the time to sit down and reminisce on all things Crystal Lake.

It comes as a DVD/Blu Ray combo pack, so no matter what your watching preferences are you're covered, unless you prefer VHS, but we can hope for a future special edition while we enjoy it digitally. It looks and sounds fantastic. Every backdrop is great, and the sound is sharp the whole time.

As far as special features, you get a commentary. That is right, a seven hour commentary. I watched this directly after the feature, and was shocked that there was so much more to say after I watched a seven hour documentary about it. They stay talking and interesting the whole time. That is about it as far as features go, unless you pre-ordered it, then you get a  bonus disc with four more hours of material.

From the second it starts you can tell that "Crystal Lake Memories" is a labor of love. It took years to put this together, and I don't know if it would be possible to get a better end result. This is the end all on Friday the 13th. Made with blood and love.

You can order the disc directly from Crystal Lake Memories here, and I promise it is worth it.


 

5/5


-  Tromeric

Curse of Chucky- Don Mancini

I have always been a fan of Chucky. I saw the first couple in the theater when I hadn't even reached double digits in age. Over the years each sequel got more and more goofy. I was not against this. I actually really enjoyed Bride and Seed, but they definitely had changed tonally, as do most sequels. When I got the first info about Curse it was stated that it was going back to a more serious tone like the first. This intrigued me, but also worried me. Could it work? I watched the trailer and was not that interested. It looked like it was gonna be another straight to DVD sequel that had lost touch with the rest of the series, granted the rest of the series had already lost touch with previous entries, so there's that. Well I decided to give it a go anyways and was more than pleasantly surprised. 

It starts off with a great intro that sets up the tone and story perfectly. You're in a big old mansion that kind of feels off. You meet Nica played pretty brilliantly by Fiona Dourif, daughter of Chucky himself, Brad Dourif. She receives a package, that of course ends up being a good guy doll. You know shit is going to get real now, and it does.

To say I had reservations about this would be an understatement, but luckily most of them quickly disappeared as I watched the film unfold. I had assumed it would be full of ridiculous CGI, especially when Chucky was involved. That  was not the case. Chucky still had that look when he moved, you know the way  a mother fucking puppet would move. The music is solid. It really helped the story and the atmosphere. Mancini managed to build quite a bit of tension in this. There is a scene where the family is having dinner and the food may or may not of been poisoned that had me squirming quite a bit. The pace is pretty great throughout, there are a couple points in the middle that kind of lose the flow, but it quickly picks back up.

Tony Gardner came back for the effects and Christ are they awesome. As with Chucky, you will find very little CGI here. Practical effects the plenty, and some of the gore is top notch. There is a scene involving a car accident that has a beheading that would make the crew on "Twilight Zone:The Movie" cringe.

This is not a perfect movie. There are flaws and parts that are a bit off, but for being a sequel in a series over twenty years old it stands up surprisingly well. The kills are fun, the music is great, and if you're a fan of the series there are plenty of moments that will remind you of the previous entries, as well as tie up the entire series.

One last word of advice. Stay through the credits. You will be glad you did.

3.5/5

-Tromeric 

You're Next- Adam Wingard

No, You’re Next



I haven’t been sleeping well this week, and I blame director Adam Wingard. I used to watch a lot more scary movies, but had to ease off due to too many nightmares. But when I first read about You’re Next sometime last year—billed as a new take on the home invasion film (I’m a sucker for The Strangers and Funny Games), deemed a part of the “mumblegore” movement (don’t hate me, I like mumblecore, or any dialogue-heavy indie films), and featuring a strong female lead that subverts expectations of the traditional female lead in horror movies—I knew this movie would be worth a few nights of poor sleep. I won’t discuss the merits of the gruesome kills (I know my limitations, closed my eyes, and let the sound effects be enough) or whether the twists held up (I think they did). What I want to talk about is Sharni Vinson’s character Erin, the protagonist who brings something new to the horror film genre.



If you don’t already know the plot, let me sum it up: a rich WASPy family reunites at their parents’ huge and secluded home for an anniversary dinner. Part way through the sibling rivalry and passive-aggressive dinner conversations, an arrow breaks through the dining room window and enters the head of one of the guests. Chaos ensues from here. Tears, screams, and the occasional bickering begin as the three cutesy animal-masked killers move in on the family. Everyone panics save for Erin, the girlfriend of middle son Crispian. Her survival instincts (she grew up on a survivalist commune in Australia) kick in immediately as she rushes to cover an arrow wound, seals up the home, and searches for potential weapons. By the movie’s end, covered with her own blood and others’, she proves the unexpected foe for the unwanted visitors.



Let me preface this review: I don’t think this film has a perfect representation of female characters. I’m not sure any horror film does (please share if you have one in mind because I’m not closed off to the idea and would welcome the recommendations). The first female character introduced in the film is purely a sexual object (tits out, no name) who dies fast and without a second thought. The other supporting female characters are either pathetic, sobbing victims (the matriarch of the family has to be put to bed like a child after the deaths begin) or else are hyper-sexualized. What I offer up in defense of You’re Next as a prototype for thoughtful depictions of females in horror films is that it takes the classic “last girl’ trope and takes the first part out of the equation: Erin is never a victim who has to rise above and find the fighter within. She is a fighter from moment one. There is never a moment of hesitation that she will survive once her fighting skills and quick reactions are put on display.



The “last girl” concept has been a staple of the horror genre. From Friday the 13th to Halloween to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, horror films have been built around the idea that the main female character, victimized and mournful over the loss of her friends, will find something within her to stand up against her tormentor (or at the very least, get the hell out of the situation). The 1970s gang rape revenge I Spit on Your Grave took this premise to a new level, but still featured the same flaw—the female has to be hurt and pushed to the extreme before she saves herself. Wingard and screenwriter Simon Barrett admitted to finding inspiration in Wes Craven’s Scream when creating You’re Next, which features another female protagonist fighting back after her friends have been picked off one-by-one.



What I love about You’re Next is that Erin helped me feel less afraid—that sounds a bit after school special, but that doesn’t make it less true. The audience I watched the film with was made up predominantly of women. I went with my close friend and horror fanatic, and while we both cringed at the sight of a slit open throat or a machete to the head, as soon as the power struggle shifted and Erin was the one wielding household tools and introducing them to people’s skulls, we sat up a little straighter in our seats and paid attention. Because honestly, sometimes being a twenty-something woman is scary. Between news reports of basement enslavements and worldwide sex trafficking, we don’t always feel like we have power. So yes, I looked when Erin shoved a screwdriver into someone’s eye socket.



The moment the killers stepped inside and squared off with Erin, this formulaic home invasion film was turned upside down by a warrior of a woman. Suddenly the victim wasn’t just playing defense, she was changing the rules of the cat-and-mouse game. One mouse, three cats, and many buckets of blood. Who knew the chick from Step Up 3D could kick so much ass?


4/5


- Kait Heacock 

Adjust Your Tracking- Dan M. Kinem/Levi Peretic

This movie has been on my radar for a while now. It is a story I definitely feel a part of, and assumed it would transfer better than the first time I recorded "A Nightmare on Elm Street" with a video camera pointed at my shitty TV when I was like eight. I was right. It looked a lot better than that.

VHS was my generations Drive In, or even Grindhouse. Sure I saw some flicks at both of those, but it was VHS that really brought me into the world of horror, and film in general. I spent  more time in video stores than Macaulay Culkin did in MJ's bedroom. That's a lot.

I stupidly sold my collection in the early 2000's when I thought I should update to DVD. A decision I have regretted since. After a stint of unemployment I was forced to sell my 2000 plus DVD collection. Something that I was not excited about, but at the same time gave me an excuse to start digging through boxes looking for all those labels I have longed for since.

As I said earlier, I have been following this film for a while. I waited anxiously for a chance to see it. That chance finally came when I found out it would be playing at Crypticon Seattle this past weekend. While I was working a booth all weekend, I hoped I would be able to find someone to watch the booth so I could finally check this. Luckily for me it all worked out.

Interviews feature everyone from heavyweights such as Tony Timpone and Lloyd Kaufman all the way to people like me who just enjoy collecting. Tons of great footage and clips from some of VHSland's most bizarre titles. Outside of great interviews and clips, we get to follow the filmmaker to a few VHS conventions that make me wish I was on the East Coast more.

This is for fans of film. Whether you once were a collector, or still are, this is highly entertaining and informative. It takes you back to simpler time that I think most horror fans miss.

4/5

-Tromeric

Stitches- Conor McMahon

Ever since some jackass didn't realize that new wasn't spelled "NU" and decided to add turntables to their poor definition of metal, clowns have been ruined for me. It got even worse when clowns started smoking meth and writing songs about miracles. As a kid I loved clowns, Pennywise was a badass, and Killer Klowns wore out my VCR. I don't like that clowns have been ruined for me, so when I first heard about "Stitches" I was hesitant, but excited. It seemed like it had real potential. Jump ahead a year and I finally got to solve the mystery.

A clown is accidentally killed while performing at a birthday party full of asshole kids. We find out at a clown Illuminati meeting that he can not rest until he finishes his routine. We jump ahead ten years or so and the same kid decides to have a party again, only this time while still mostly being assholes, they have nicer breasts. This is the basic idea, with plenty of other awesome mixed in to flesh out the back story.

The film opens with some clown fucking, which becomes a montage, which ends in a amazingly cheesy fade. Those are three of my favorite techniques in film right there. Way to start off by punching me right in the dick with your awesome Mr. McMahon. From here we just get some amazing kills that would have Wiley Coyote blushing from disbelief.

"Stitches" is as much fun as it is bloody. The kills are seriously insane, and the blood looks like red paint. The puns are unapologetic, and the actors all seem comfortable in their skin, granted if Stitches has his way they wont be in it for long. For a good time, if your mom is busy of course, track down Stitches.

4/5

-Tromeric

Manborg- Steven Kostanski

A man is killed in action and brought back as a cyborg to fight Nazi demons in the future along with Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat. There is your basic plot. Is it a simple one? Yes, but that is part of Manborg's charm.

Astron 6 return with this dystopian future epic that seems to be a lost "Sega CD" game. This is a movie I would of grabbed off the shelf at my neighborhood video store as a child. Manborg could of ended up being a bad spoof, but instead it brings back all of the elements that made these movies great in the eighties/nineties. The acting is the right kind of bad, the writing is the right kind of fun, and the length is the right kind of short.

Manborg is a legitimate sci-fi/action film that can proudly sit on your shelf with films like "Robocop" and "They Live" as well as "Class of 1999" and "1990: The Bronx Warriors."

3.5/5


-Tromeric

Brutal- Michael Patrick Stevens/Darla Rae

Brutal is not the just title, it is not just what you are in store for when watching this. It is also the name of the man that is about to ruin A. Michael Baldwin's day more than the tall man did back in seventy nine.

When I started this I was initially worried it was going to be one of two things, or both. Found footage, or straight up torture porn. While those aren't guaranteed to ruin my opinion of a film, they sure weigh down its options. Not a lot of back story is given right off the bat. We meet up with Brutal, who is torturing the shit out of Carl Gibson while he sits in what I can assume is the first electric chair. Brutal tells Carl they are gonna play a game. I was worried again here. Was I about to watch another movie attempt to cash in on "Saw?" The thing I liked right off the bat. This game wasn't overly thought out and difficult. No Jigsaw here. Brutal has a wheel. I like to think of it as the "you're fucked" wheel. No good is coming of this. From here everything unfolds rather cleverly. Carl keeps losing limbs, and we keep finding out more. Mostly told in flashbacks, as most of the story takes place in one room, which gives it a  real theater feel.

Now lets move onto the things that stand out in Brutal. A. Michael Baldwin straight kills it here. He brings realism and emotion, and along with Michael Patrick Stevens carries the film to a new level. With out these performances it could of easily ended up being forgettable low budget tripe. Alan Howarth wrote a chilling score that helps you stay in the right mindset.The effects are great. Graphic and intense, without crossing in to the pornographic side of gore, not that that is always bad, but for the story I feel like it was balanced as well as that guy from "Man on Wire."

It is not perfect, at times the budget shows, but if you want to watch a complex character study with gore and a haunting score, I know a dude you should meet, his name is Brutal.

I am excited to see future products from this team. With what they got out of what they had, I can only imagine the awesome they will bring with more.


3.5/5

-Tromeric

Berberian Sound Studio- Peter Strickland

A sound engineer heads to Italy to  help with a new film, Shit happens, and shit gets real. That is all the plot you need for this. Not that there isn't more to it, just it doesn't matter. The atmosphere here is so strong that it time traveled back to the eighties so Ian Curtis could write a Joy Division song about it.

Right away you know what kind of film this is. It bleeds awesome and uncomfortable blood. The intro sucks you in and doesn't let you go till the end. I mean the majority of this movie is a dude recording sounds into mikes and I didn't want it to end. That should have its own Oscar right there.

I keep hearing this compared to "Amer," and tonally I can see it. I, however think of it more as "A Serbian Film" with out the NBP. It made me just as awkward, and the pacing of the reveals to the titular character were similar.  I couldn't help but also see a little "Pontypool" in there as well, at least as far as most of it having to do with sound and taking place in a studio. I don't want to give off the wrong idea, in the end this is super original, and like nothing you have ever seen. Nothing really happens, but you won't leave bored.

4.5

-Tromeric

American Mary- The Soska Sisters

Mary is brilliantly played by Kathrine Isabelle, she is in med school, but can't keep up on bills so she applies at a strip club. While she is there she is asked to help with an emergency surgery. She is down for the quick money, so she sets her morals aside and does what needs to be done. She gets her cash and gets out. That should be the end right? Well it would be if it wasn't for Betty Boop who shows up as she has heard about her skills. Her desire for money sends Mary down the path of back room surgeries in the body modification world.

This movie is shot beautifully, like Versace. The sound and effects are amazing. The acting overall is great, and the story keeps you hooked like a cement brick from a customer at Obscura's balls. Kathrine Isabelle owns this shit. I loved her in "Ginger Snaps" but this is her Travis Bickle.

I liked the twins previous effort, but this cements them as directors I need to watch, you know, outside of the super sexy thing. This sets them apart, as badasses who are capable of challenging the norm of horror cinema. They, along with Isabelle have created a world that is part Cronenberg, and part Frankenstein. It is uncomfortable, but I still want to spend time there.

4/5

-Tromeric

The ABCs of Death- Various

Anthology films are not an easy task. In the eighties there were some greats like Creepshow one and two, The Willies, and the Tales from the Darkside movie. More recently there has been The Theatre Bizarre, which I loved, but I seem to be in the minority, and Trick r' Treat which is not even quite an anthology as a wrap around. This is like those times a thousand. There are twenty six segemnets, as well as twenty six directors. That is a lot of chances to fuck up, which I find to be the most dangerous part of anthology films.

I wish I could tell you that this is as awesome as it could be with the directors involved. Unfortunately that would be like the time I told that girl I met at the bar that I loved her. A lie.

There are twenty six segments. I kept track and only about have of those are awesome, most are mediocre, and a few are terrible. The thing is, that is fine. With so many, even if one is bad, it doesn't last long and then we're on to a good one.

Some highlights would be farting Asians, plushy Nazis, baby killing robots, the best head slam dunk scene since "Night of the Dribbler,"  and that is not to mention all the awesome claymation, animation, and molestation that is mostly killer. This is no masterpiece, but the percentage is pretty reasonable for awesome to garbage. Some of the modern masters are involved and it is a must see for that. Don't expect it to change your life, but for multiple reasons it is required viewing for horror fans. At least once.

3/5

-Tromeric

John Dies at the End- Don Coscarelli

"Phantasm" has owned me longer than Quentin has owned Eli. I think Don Coscarelli is a fucking genius. "Bubba Ho Tep" killed me, and I loved his "Masters of Horror episode." This should all go without saying, but I want to say it. Needless to say, when I heard that he was making a movie out of a book by the Cracked editor I shit in my pants. Well, after three years of my pants being filled with shit, excitement shit, not the gross kind....I finally got to see this bad boy, and I saw it a few times.

David and John find a drug called soy sauce. It makes them be able to travel inter dimension and talk through bratwursts. That is about all you need to know plot wise.

This book was said to be unfilmable. well, fuck you naysayers. Right from the brilliant intro I was gripped like a thirteen year old to Roman Polanski's dick. It took seconds for me to be hooked. Then it was ninety minutes of awesome. Traveling to different dimensions, driving dogs, sexy amputees, talking sausages, meatman that aren't a punk band, and just an amazing cast and story.

This is what horror films should be trying to accomplish. It may not be perfect, there are a few scenes of CG that were pretty terrible, but you could tell that they tried to use as much practical as possible. I have now seen this five times, once being on the big screen and I already know it will be a fave of mine for the rest of my life. The acting is great, the music is great, the story is unique, and it is not a remake or a sequel, it is not like anything out there, and that makes me happier than a juggalo in a faygo factory that also has a meth dealer. That is happy in case you were wondering. Seek this movie out.

5/5

-Tromeric

2012: A Drunken Overview In Film

2012 has come and gone, and John Cusack didn't even have to rescue me. It has been a crazy year nonetheless. Had a lot of epic events here at the grog. Got some of the best contributors in the world to help out with Horror With Training Wheels, which turned out even better than I could of ever hoped. Had a few bad ass contests, and my readers grew more than Roman Polanski's penis at the sight of a thirteen year old.  I moved the House of Grog to a new location, that has been a great place for all kinds of grogtastic events. I was able to pitch in to some awesome theme weeks for some of my favorite sites, and started writing for CouchCutter, where I also had my first guest spot on a podcast for Drunk On VHS.  This is a very quick rundown of the awesome that has happened this year, but that is not why I am here. So lets move on to the movies. As I was preparing to compile the list, I had a feeling that it had been a pretty weak year for film. Boy, was I wrong. My initial list was almost fifty titles, and that doesn't even include the twenty four films I have on my "need to watch" list. Well, enough ramble. I give you 2012.


Here are the films that I have not had the chance to see that I feel may have a chance to make the cut. I wish I had seen them all, but with time restraints, availability and timing. I just couldn't get them all in.

 Next up, a small list of some of the runners up.

And now onto the top twenty five films of 2012......... There were all movies I saw in 2012. Some were made before, but I was not able to see them until this year.

25. Puppet Master X: Axis Rising

A lot of people were down on this. I admit it is nothing compared to the first three. The puppets will never look as good as they did back in the day. I loved all the new puppets and thought it was a huge step up from the previous six. You can check my review here.

24. 2 Headed Shark Attack

I love The Asylum, I love sharks, I love things with two heads. Math equals this rules. Check my review here.

23. Grabbers

Modern day "Tremors." Just a fun ride, full of monsters, drunks, and awesome.

22. Killer Joe

Matthew McConaughey straight up kills in this. Easily his best role since "Dazed and Confused."  Juno Temple is incredibly sexy, and definitely Friedkin's best in decades. Dirty, sleazy, Texas awesome. A surprise for the year. 

21. Cosmopolis

Definitely one of Cronenberg's most unique films. More of a dark comedy then anything I have seen him do. Pattinson may be a douche in the "Twilight" films, but he kills it in this, as well do the supporting cast. 

20. Looper

Easily one of the best Sci-Fi films in a Chirst age. The cast is excellent, and it is super full of win. If you haven't seen this, don't look into it. Go in blind. 

19. ParaNorman

This year brought us three big kiddie horror films. I have yet to see "Hotel Transylvania," and "Frankenweenie" was definitely Burton's best in a long time, but this had my heart, black it may be, but it's still a heart. The animation is unbelievable, and I was hooked from start to finish. 

18. The Cabin in the Woods

I, like many, had been waiting on this for a while. I knew very little, but have always been a fan of Joss. I made sure to stay as uninformed as possible. A choice I am very happy with. The less you know the better. This is a straight up popcorn movie for horror nerds. It is not perfect, some of the CGI is awful, but goddamn it is a fun ride. 

17. Nazis at the Center of the Earth 

This was one of my most anticipated movies of the year.  When it finally hit, so did the shit, in my pants, from excitement. Very few movies have had a "what the fuck" moment like this. I love The Asylum pretty much always, but this may be their most brilliant work of art ever. Check my review here. 

16. God Bless America

Bobcat is such a badass. This is such a smart and funny movie. I relate way to much to so many of the rants. Granted I am not a complete crazy person, so the mass homicide thing isn't on my bucket list, but if it was, people who text and talk at the theater would be high on the list.  

 15. The Avengers 

This is a perfect super hero movie. The action is only outweighed by  the character development, interactions, and dialogue. Still shocked by how well this did, but I am OK with it. 

 

14. Livide

 One of the most beautiful films of the year. The follow up from the directors of "Inside." If you expect another film as brutal, you may be let down. If however, you want to sit back and be amazed by visuals, and story I can't recommend this enough. Almost felt like a modern day Jean Rollin film. Check my review here. 

13. The Raid: Redemption

Holy shit! This is how you make a fucking action movie. My eyes were glued to the screen like my friends dick was to his hand that time I switched out his lube with bonding glue.  

12. The Theatre Bizarre

My favorite anthology since "The Willies." This is another one I know many did not enjoy. I liked all the segments and thought they were diverse enough to make it interesting. Douglas Buck and Karim Hussain had the stand out stories for me though. Check my review here. 

 

11. Thankskilling 3

I saw the first one three years back on Thanksgiving. I loved it, but mainly for the bad puns, and cheesy one liners, and it was just nice to have a killer turkey movie. It was however, pretty basic. When I first hear that three was coming out, I was confused as I didn't remember a two, and just assumed it would be another cheesy killer turkey movie. I was wrong. This is one of the most bat shit insane things I have ever witnessed. We had a Grogsgiving party here at the house of grog and this was the featured film. It blew everyone's minds. I have been wanting to review it since I first watched it, but just didn't even know where to begin. It is full of crazy puppets,  house music to montages of insanity, so many puns and references, and one of the greatest sequel plots ever.

10. Where the Dead go to Die

The craziest animated movie I have ever seen. It is like "Waking Life" on drugs. It is what would happen if "Subconscious Cruelty" had been animated. There are scenes in this that blew me brains out into the atmosphere, then somehow came back into me. Well, at least that is what it felt like. 

9. Excision  

This came out of left field for me. I somehow hadn't really kept up on it. Then when it hit on demand I clicked the link, and bam. Awesome hit me in the face like a porn star on set in Silicone Valley. The cast is unbelievable. John Waters, Malcolm McDowell, Ray Wise, and Traci Lords in her most powerful role, ever. Not to mention the highlight lead by AnnaLynne McCord. Some great imagery and a smart script pushed this high on my favorites list. 

8. The Dark Knight Rises 

 A perfect ending to this trilogy. And yes, even though I said perfect, I know it's not. I can look past the moments of plot holes and less than stellar action sequences  because as a whole I love it. Bane was so bad ass, and Anne Hathaway straight killed it as Catwoman. Who would of thought that the girl I watched "Havoc" to see naked would grow into such an amazing actress? The score is epic, the performances are strong, and it kept me entertained the whole time. That is what I look for in a Batman movie, and I got it. 

  

7. Cell Count

I had been hearing about this for a while, but finally had a chance to check it out on Amazon. I knew very little, but it blew me away. I was also presently surprised to find out it was filmed here in Portland.  Very Cronenbergian. Not a rip off by any means. It stands on its own as powerful film. The visuals were unforgettable, and the entire cast was spot on. The Dr. is one creepy mother fucker, and how can you not love that poster from The Dude? Highly reccomended. 

6. FDR: American Badass

Ross Patterson is quickly becoming one of my new favorite directors. "Poolboy" was hysterical, and I want "Helen Keller vs Nightwolves" to happen more than Jesus wanted his crown to be made out of Aloe Vera. FDR had the whole house of grog spitting up booze all over the place. I spit whiskey out me nose, which caused Gabe Nye to leak beer out his ears, which caused Steph Infection to drip vodka out of places I don't wanna talk about, which made Mortician Matt vomit up some Rainer, which caused Peter Poison to choke on his smoke. It was like "Stand By Me," but with not quite as much puke, and less dead bodies. The Axis of Evil are werewolves, and FDR is a badass. What else do you need to know?

5. Hate Crime 

I have been sick of the found footage epidemic since "The Blair Witch Project." It rarely does anything for me . I went into this very hesitant due to that. I put it in late after everyone went to bed, and within minutes was doing research to make sure it was a movie, and not some sick snuff film. One of the rawest, most brutal films I have ever seen. Not for the faint of heart. Check my review here. 

4. The FP 

  

A post apocalyptic world were they use DDR to rule the town. Very few movies have created such a unique world. It has its own dialect, reality, people. The music is amazing and the cast is great all the way around. Check my review here. 

3. The Bunny Game 

I had to watch this movie over and over when I first got it. Within the first week I had seen it like six times. It is not entertainment by any means. It is challenging, yet somehow beautiful.  I can't recommend this enough. Well unless you have feelings. Check my review here. 

2. Father's Day

Father's Day is a modern masterpiece. It is as funny as it is brutal. Every time you think you have an idea of where it is going, it slaps you in the dick and reminds you that you have no fucking clue. This is what independent cinema should look like. Check my review here. 

1. John Dies at the End 

All year I assumed "Father's Day" would be my number one, and it was until last week when this hit on demand. I had been waiting for a few years. I had met Coscarelli at a con like five years ago, and he told me he had bought the rights. Jump ahead to this summer and I met him again, and had the chance to see this at Seattle International Film Festival, but opted not to as I wanted to drink and relax. Coscarelli himself told me I wouldn't have to wait too long. So I decided to wait. I wish I hadn't, but now that I have seen it. I can't stop watching it. I had a two day rental on Amazon, and watched it three times. I plan on seeing it in the theater next month as well. This is one of me most unique, awesome, entertaining films I have seen in ages. I do not want to ruin anything, but please. Check this out. 

 

As per usual, what I thought was a weak year, ended up pretty badass. Looking forward to hearing why I am wrong. Thanks for reading. Let me know of some that you loved that I may have missed. I will leave you with a few of the movies I am most excited for in 2013.

- Tromeric