The ABCs of Death- Various

Anthology films are not an easy task. In the eighties there were some greats like Creepshow one and two, The Willies, and the Tales from the Darkside movie. More recently there has been The Theatre Bizarre, which I loved, but I seem to be in the minority, and Trick r' Treat which is not even quite an anthology as a wrap around. This is like those times a thousand. There are twenty six segemnets, as well as twenty six directors. That is a lot of chances to fuck up, which I find to be the most dangerous part of anthology films.

I wish I could tell you that this is as awesome as it could be with the directors involved. Unfortunately that would be like the time I told that girl I met at the bar that I loved her. A lie.

There are twenty six segments. I kept track and only about have of those are awesome, most are mediocre, and a few are terrible. The thing is, that is fine. With so many, even if one is bad, it doesn't last long and then we're on to a good one.

Some highlights would be farting Asians, plushy Nazis, baby killing robots, the best head slam dunk scene since "Night of the Dribbler,"  and that is not to mention all the awesome claymation, animation, and molestation that is mostly killer. This is no masterpiece, but the percentage is pretty reasonable for awesome to garbage. Some of the modern masters are involved and it is a must see for that. Don't expect it to change your life, but for multiple reasons it is required viewing for horror fans. At least once.

3/5

-Tromeric

V/H/S- Matt Bettinelli-Olpin/David Bruckner/Tyler Gillett/Justin Martinez/Glenn McQuaid/Joe Swanberg/Chad Villella/Ti West/Adam Wingard

V/H/S is a movie that I've been hearing about constantly lately and it's the newest installment in one of my favorite sub-genres of horror: the anthology. A group of indie horror directors (including the extremely promising Ti West) teamed up to create five short stories all based on the concept of found footage from a video camera, with a wraparound story of the same style to loosely tie them all together. Basically, a group of thieves are sent on a mission to obtain a VHS tape from a strangers house, only to find there is a corpse in the living room in front of a stack of static televisions. Naturally, the thieves decide to watch a few of the tapes, and thus, the short stories begin.

Personally, I've been burnt out on the found footage craze in horror for quite a while, but I found V/H/S to be a great balance between inventiveness and nostalgia, so I think it works in this case. All five of the stories vary somewhat in quality, but they all complement each other very well to make a great final product. One of my favorite things about this movie was how nostalgic it is. It clearly references classic 70's and 80's films, and the found footage dynamic reminded me of the golden era of seeing my favorite genre films on a fuzzy tape instead of the glossy high definition of today. It is also worth mentioning that the young unknown cast did an excellent job throughout the movie. Especially with this sub-genre, creating believable characters and conversations is essential and V/H/S clearly understood this. Like all found footage films, there is definitely some annoying filler to start all of the stories, but once they start they definitely kept my attention with eerie atmosphere and intense violence. If you want a fairly unique, edgy and entertaining new horror film, I think V/H/S would be a fine choice.



4/5


Cody DeLarge

The Theatre Bizarre- Douglas Buck/Buddy Giovinazzo/David Gregory/Karim Hussain/Jeremy Kasten/Tom Savini/Richard Stanley

  Look at that list of directors. Is it possible for my dick to be any harder. I will just list some of the things that these guys are responsible for. Hardware, Dust Devil, Combat Shock, Cutting Moments, Home, Prologue, The Wizard of Gore(remake), Night of the Living Dead(remake), and my personal favorite Subconscious Cruelty. That is just his directing credit. Karim Hussain also was responsible for how beautiful Hobo with a Shotgun looked as he was DP(not donkey punch you sick bastard) on that.  Tom Savini has created effects for some of the best films made in history(Maniac, Friday the 13th, Dawn of the Dead, The Prowler, and on and on and on). Most of these guys also take on other responsibilities such as editor, writer, and cinematographer. The cast is rounded out with all kinds of faces you will recognize. Debbie Rochon, Lynn Lowery, Udo Kier, and even Tom Savini himself.  All of these much different yet all equally amazing men come together and with the help of the one I haven't mentioned yet David Gregory who from what I can tell is the backbone of this put together The Theatre Bizarre.  
     Horror anthologies are not the most common sub genre in the modern age. We saw a lot more of them in the seventies and eighties. Creepshow is probably the most recognizable of the bunch but you of course had the TV shows turned movie anthologies like Tales from the Crypt(I guess that was before the TV show), and Tales from the Dark side as well as a few hits(The Willies) and misses(Campfire Tales) along the way. Recently we received Chllerama which was fun but definitely not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. The closest thing to a perfect anthology film would be Trick r' Treat and that is arguable if it even fits in the sub genre. Well History pulled straight out my ass 101 is over lets get our asses to the theater, and don't forget to turn off your cell phone and shut your fucking mouth or I will sick one of these madman on you.
     I am not going to dissect these one by one as I want you to have as much fun watching things unfold as I did. If I spelled it out for you that would be like if the publisher of Scary Stories to tell in the dark decided to take out all the amazing artwork and replace it with more modern less exciting artwork, wait.......Sorry I can't get that off my mind. Seriously though. I am not here to ruin these so I will just give a quick overview of the film and you can judge my excitement. Things you will see in this movie. Eyeball injections, frog sex, human marionettes, crab vaginas, girls injecting themselves with unborn baby juice and so much more. Each of these entries have so much to offer and that is just the tip of the iceberg.I don't want it to sound like this is a shock film either. It has some obviously, but it also has some insanely beautiful moments. Douglas Buck's being the most notable. His story while being the least horror is the most heart wrenching. You also have everything from Lovecraftian creatures to highbrow cannibalism. 
     Seven directors, seven segments(including the wrap around) and two hours of everything the title promises you.

4/5

Tromeric
  

The Uncanny- Denis Héroux

     Animals in movies are amazing. When they kill they are even cooler. When they are cute as shit cats that fuck shit up they make my shit rock hard.
      The Uncanny is kind of like if Creepshow 2 took out the first and third story and added some more. It even has somewhat of a animated opening, or at least some really bad Bob Ross like paintings of cats being awesome and having fangs. It is an anthology movie where Peter Cushing is a writer and tells a publisher some stories about cats murderizing people to death while a white cat that looks like it got a frying pan to the face listens. 
     The first story is a tale of greed. Some douche finds out his bat shit crazy cat lady aunt is gonna leave all her money to her cats instead of him. He sends in his mistress to get the will so he can get that money to buy tea or some shit.  She goes and the cats straight fuck up her day. She has to go into survival mode and make cat food sandwiches. Its gross.
     The second story is kinda like The Good Son except its a daughter. A girl has to go live with her aunt and uncle as her parents went down in a plane and didn't have a Chilean soccer team to eat so they died. She also encounters her cunt of a cousin who makes sure she knows who's in charge and its not Charles.  This of course also goes with the cat that she brought. Cousin cunt wants to play with the cat, but this is a loyal cat. When she can't play with the cat she gives into the temptation of receiving many virgins and  try's to fly a plane into her cousin. Her aunt then decides that she had to deal with dead parents so a dead cat shouldn't be a big deal so she sends it off to the local PETA, or at least I assume that's where its going. The cat shows back up and the girl get her moms old magik book out, the kind with a K none of this douche bag Chris Angel magic with a C bullshit. She shrinks her cunt cousin down to the size of a mouse(that's convenient) and you know this cat is gonna have some fun now. A battle with a giant projection screen ensues and the cat gets weird puppet hands and slaps the shit out of this bitch.
     In the third and final story Dr. Loomis watches his wife die in an accident on the set of The Pit and the Pendulum in an act that Brandon Lee would rip off twenty years later. They hire her double who is so similar to her that Loomis accidentally has sex with her a lot. You know the dead actresses adorable kitty doesn't take kindly to mariticide. Dr. Loomis also decides that he is going to flush the cats five kittens down the toilet. I guess in England they have crazy huge toilets because if I tried to flush five cats down the drain I would be seeing yesterdays bottle of tequila coming back to visit for the third time.  They then come up with as many cliche sayings about cats to use and that just pisses the cat off more till it kills the shit out of them. 
    Peter Cushing tells all these storys and leaves and the cat exploits his owner and it ends.
    If you even kind of enjoy killer animal movies this is a must have. It should sit on your shelf right next to your Night of the Lepus, Orca the Killer Whale, Squirm and Day of the Animals. 

3/5


Tromeric

Amer- Hélène Cattet/ Bruno Forzani

     The French know how  to make a fucking movie. Weather your speaking of  the new wave with the likes of Godard or Truffaut or the recent batch of French badassness that Gasper Noe started with I Stand Alone and continued with Haute Tension, Inside, Martyrs, and Frontiers.  Amer is no exception.  It is in a league of its  own, thankfully Rosie O'Donnell has nothing to do with it.
     Yes Amer is a homage to the giallo but it is so much more than that.  It is a giallo. I think this would of been made even if Mario Bava and Dario Argento had never put on those black gloves. The colors are so fucking beautiful and vibrant. The music is straight out of the seventies and I mean that literally. The sound design is so god damn brilliant. Razors scraping flesh sound better on here than they do in a goth kids basement. 
    The story is split into three parts throughout a girls life.  It is not straight forward storytelling. It is metaphorical and leaves a lot to interpretation.
    If Mario Bava had been an art fag I am guessing he would of made Amer after he was done pounding David Lynch in the back of an art house.  I would like to say I would pay money to see that, black gloves, Snakeskin jackets and bukake. Yes please. 
     Seriously though Amer is a must see. It is a visual masterpiece that will take your brain and drown it in a bathtub full of existential water by a gloved  man who wants to slice your eyeball open in extreme close up. 


4.5/5

Tromeric

30 Day Horror Challenge day 8

     So we are on day eight and it brings us to anthology. I originally was going to go with Trick r' Treat as that movie gave me such a horror nerd boner party in my pants.  It however as many people have pointed out is more of a interwoven story than an anthology. That brings us to the Creepshow movies.  The first one is a classic and the second one brings back more childhood memories than molestation but as much as I love them there is another movie that will always hold a special place in my heart and my pants.  This movie is part of my childhood and continues to make me a gitty little schoolgirl. this movie is of  course.....

    The punk rocker from Return of the Living Dead made this with everyone's favorite Encino Man finding mother fucker Sean Astin not to mention Donkey Lips and one of the best cameos ever involving a surreal Growing Pains moment. The TV show with that Jesus freak not when you legs stretch out. It is three kids sitting around a campfire telling whats grosser than gross stories and being awesome. Its like Are you afraid of the Dark meets Creepshow.  I watch this movie at least once a year and it never ceases to stoke me and turn me into a kid again.

Tromeric