Easter A Go-Go: A Story of Rabbits, Torture, and Booze

     So Jesus may be my least favorite cryptozoological creature, I mean he ain't got shit on Bigfoot or  Chupacabra, but any excuse I can use for a marathon at the house of grog I will take advantage of like a Grandmother with alzheimers.  I wanted to do an all day/night marathon but by the time I got done serving people their bullshit Easter lunches and got home and got in the zone(sat on my porch with shots and smokes) it was already eight o'clock.  Peter Poison and I started off by giving ourselves res-erections with one of my favorite sequels that doesn't take place in college.

Critters 2: The Main Course- Mick Garris

     We meet Brad who has come back from the big city. Coincidentally the bounty hunters along with the town drunk Charlie are also stopping back in town to kill some mother fucking krites. We meet the townspeople who consist of Lipshitz from Whoopee Boys, Brad's grandma who teaches kids the right way to BM, the sexy small town reporter who in the words of Brad is "Jimmy Olson with breasts." Well I have a boner. These are just a few of the townsfolk. The town punk trades some eggs he found off the set of Poultrygeist for beer and Playboys because he knows what you need to survive. These eggs start hatching like an alligator in a sewer and the krites start unleashing their awesome. There of course are some casualties, not just the humans either. The krites have some pretty epic death moments. A dad steps on one of the eggs right before it hatches and it looks like the worst case of whiskey swamp butt ever, he isn't concerned though. He just thinks it's a Cadbury egg. That is just in the beginning. I will get to the rest. We gotta get back to the bounty hunters. They get suited up, and by that I mean turn into a Playboy model and yell "Kill Krites" a lot. The Krites are now causing so much tomfoolery you know shit is going down. They take over Shitlip's restaurant and turn it into their very own Good Burger. They love cheeseburgers more than those cat memes. Lots of them meet their demise here. One becomes licking good fried while one get's his hair shot off. While some take over the burger joint a bunch of others take on the rest of the town fucking shit up like they are the racoons from the Great Outdoors. This all just keeps escalating until we get one of monster cinemas best creatures. Critterzilla!
     Critters two is one of my favorite sequels, in fact it is just one of my favorite eighties horror films. It is not perfect but the effects created by my favorite Killer Klowns are a blast, the story is fun and as far as Easter themed horror it is at the top of the list. That should be a special category in the AFI.

    Now that Critters was over it was time to change the tone of things. We switched the disc over to the film that holds the award for most Jesus beating. The Passion of the Christ. Intoxication was fully set in by this point and the munchies(snacks not the Gremlins rip off) had set in. I attempted to make some popcorn but my drunk ass didn't bother taking the plastic off and just melted shit all over my microwave. I got my shit together and got some corn popped, grabbed some pop rocks and made another drink and sat down to watch this shit.

The Passion of the Christ- Mel Gibson

     We meet Jesus in a set more fog machine engulfed then a youth group stage production. He is taken to the guys from the California Raisin's Christmas special where they tell him he is crazy and a blaspheme. He is then set upon his journey to carry a cross, get beaten more than a girl in a Max Hardcore film, be whipped so much that I kept waiting for the Romans to tell him his name was Toby, run into some creepy ass kids that chase Judas like it's Hostel, see what Zelda Rubinstein looks like as a baby and run into the devil who happens to be the singer of Midnight Oil.
     The Passion is two hours of Jesus walking up a hill. It is like Lord of the Rings but more exciting. Along the way we also meet his mother who is a foot fetishist, Mary Magdalene who took a break from getting raped for nine minutes to be Jesus' whore and some of his disciples that sell him out quicker than a Mondo poster. Jesus just keeps getting beaten. Over and over. There is also lots of falling. He get's beaten then he falls. This film has more falling than a Julie Cruise song. This goes on and on with a couple quick breaks to teach us that Jesus built the table and his mom is a fucking idiot. This is all building to the climax which......Spoiler Alert. Jesus gets crucified, I am fine with Jesus getting crucified but did I really need to see his moose knuckle? After he is crucified they stab him just in case the hours of Jesus beating wasn't enough. That is a great moment as it reigns blood all over the crowd. This is where the film could of gotten even cooler but I will save that for another time.
     All jokes aside the passion is an excellent film. It is beautiful, powerful and well shot. The effects are some of the best I have ever seen. While I gave up Dungeons and Dragons years ago I still can appreciate this as a great movie as powerful as it is exploitative.

     At this point I am beyond drunk. I have left reality. Steph Infection shows up with Pizza and a "special" peanut butter that is exactly what I needed to add to the intoxication. Now that the Jesus beating was over, I had something in my stomach aside from alcohol and added peanut butter that would send me to a new land it was time for gigantic killer bunnies.

Night of the Lepus- William F. Claxton

     In this alternate reality where Janet Leigh survived the shower she has to take on a bunch of giant rabbits that have a taste for crayola crayons.
    I love giant animal movies. It's no secret. This is one of my faves. They use cutting edge technology known as the mother fucking zoom button to create these beasts. These giant rabbits wreak havoc on everything from horses to Warwick Davis' house . They chase trucks down(where was the "objects may be closer than they appear" joke?) and get shot with paintball guns as if it was Friday the 13th part 6.

    This was  a perfect way to end the night. I wanted to keep going but to be honest by this point I wasn't even sure what planet I was on. Next year I will have to start earlier so I can add Easter Bunny Kill! Kill!, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, Subconscious Cruelty, and Begotten to the Easter fest.


- Tromeric

The Theatre Bizarre- Douglas Buck/Buddy Giovinazzo/David Gregory/Karim Hussain/Jeremy Kasten/Tom Savini/Richard Stanley

  Look at that list of directors. Is it possible for my dick to be any harder. I will just list some of the things that these guys are responsible for. Hardware, Dust Devil, Combat Shock, Cutting Moments, Home, Prologue, The Wizard of Gore(remake), Night of the Living Dead(remake), and my personal favorite Subconscious Cruelty. That is just his directing credit. Karim Hussain also was responsible for how beautiful Hobo with a Shotgun looked as he was DP(not donkey punch you sick bastard) on that.  Tom Savini has created effects for some of the best films made in history(Maniac, Friday the 13th, Dawn of the Dead, The Prowler, and on and on and on). Most of these guys also take on other responsibilities such as editor, writer, and cinematographer. The cast is rounded out with all kinds of faces you will recognize. Debbie Rochon, Lynn Lowery, Udo Kier, and even Tom Savini himself.  All of these much different yet all equally amazing men come together and with the help of the one I haven't mentioned yet David Gregory who from what I can tell is the backbone of this put together The Theatre Bizarre.  
     Horror anthologies are not the most common sub genre in the modern age. We saw a lot more of them in the seventies and eighties. Creepshow is probably the most recognizable of the bunch but you of course had the TV shows turned movie anthologies like Tales from the Crypt(I guess that was before the TV show), and Tales from the Dark side as well as a few hits(The Willies) and misses(Campfire Tales) along the way. Recently we received Chllerama which was fun but definitely not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. The closest thing to a perfect anthology film would be Trick r' Treat and that is arguable if it even fits in the sub genre. Well History pulled straight out my ass 101 is over lets get our asses to the theater, and don't forget to turn off your cell phone and shut your fucking mouth or I will sick one of these madman on you.
     I am not going to dissect these one by one as I want you to have as much fun watching things unfold as I did. If I spelled it out for you that would be like if the publisher of Scary Stories to tell in the dark decided to take out all the amazing artwork and replace it with more modern less exciting artwork, wait.......Sorry I can't get that off my mind. Seriously though. I am not here to ruin these so I will just give a quick overview of the film and you can judge my excitement. Things you will see in this movie. Eyeball injections, frog sex, human marionettes, crab vaginas, girls injecting themselves with unborn baby juice and so much more. Each of these entries have so much to offer and that is just the tip of the iceberg.I don't want it to sound like this is a shock film either. It has some obviously, but it also has some insanely beautiful moments. Douglas Buck's being the most notable. His story while being the least horror is the most heart wrenching. You also have everything from Lovecraftian creatures to highbrow cannibalism. 
     Seven directors, seven segments(including the wrap around) and two hours of everything the title promises you.

4/5

Tromeric
  

Father's Day - Astron 6(Adam Brooks/Jeremy Gillespie/Matthew Kennedy/Conor Sweeney)

     Father's Day is one of those rare films that is about as hard to explain as pro-life is to a rape victim. So much happens in these hundred minutes that I am pretty sure Astron 6 just filled a baby up with ideas, ran it over with a semi, rolled it into a little baby ball and fed it to the manatees that write Family Guy. 
     Basic idea of Father's Day is that there is a dude who kind of looks like the Dr. from Human Centipede two raping, disemboweling and killing Fathers, and not necessarily in that order. A team assembles that includes a one eyed bad ass, a priest and David Arquette's  character from that Lukas Haas movie. Strippers, rapists, dirty cops, angels, demons(no Tom Hanks, thank god), and Lloyd Kaufman are just some of the obstacles they will have on their epic journey.
     Over the last few years there has been a kind of grindhouse resurgence and as with most things it has felt the kind of overkill that Sharon Tate's baby felt in 69. I am happy to say that Father's Day is one of the stand out's and like Dear God No! and Hobo with a Shotgun has a lot more going for it than just a gimmick. Father's Day stands on its own like a cripple in space even when listed next to those films.  It takes every convention set and stabs it in the butt hole in slow mo while a killer guitar riff is strummed.  Every time I thought I saw where it was going it would punch me in the dick and say "not this way fucker" which I admit is a strange thing for a movie to do. 
     All rambling aside when Father's Day hits your city or any city you can drive to, Go! Father's Day is offensive, surreal, hilarious, sexy, over the top, ridiculous, insane, full of amazing music and characters, brilliant, full of some of the most creative special effects and set designs, and it will have you asking your dad to play with your insides  while they're on your outside.

4/5


Tromeric

555- Wally Koz

     555 is another classick shot on video from the eighties.  Look at that cover. How can you not want that.  I think I saw this when I was a kid but again I watched so many of these god damn movies that sometimes I am not sure.
     Right off the bat this movie wins me over.  A score that makes me dance like a madman, not mars but still a madman.  In the opening credits there is a Frankie say relax reference. Sweet.  Best Frankie reference since Chosen.
    The acting in this is fucking wow. They talk into the camera like they are making JCVD and they have about as much emotion as BTK when he was explaining killing all those woman.  The other acting of note is the yawning. The cop yawns with about as much precision as Keanu Reeves coughs in Constantine. The killer who looks like Charles Manson and thinks he is in a Jorg Buttgereit film(cuz he fucks dead people) sounds like the breather from Student Bodies.
     The characters in this are also epic. The stereotypical detectives, the go get em reporter that talks about super gluing her snatch a cooch closed, and the diner owner who looks like Joe Piscopo with grease stains. Shit yeah I would eat at his restaurant.
     Now lets get to the important stuff. The kills. Fuck yes they are amazing.  In your face lets cut a bitch and saw a guys head off and show you all of it. None of this pussy cutaway shit in your face like cum to Jenna Jamison's face.  The blood is bright ass red and you stand up and cheer like its the end of an eighties inspirational film every time someone gets the shit killed out of them.
     This movie is a prime example of why I am glad I grew up in the eighties. No one had a shitty computer program that made them think they could be a filmmaker. The thing is they knew they weren't  and they still are like "fuck it" I got this video camera bigger than the local news uses and some red paint and girls that will get naked. Shit yeah lets make a movie.

3.5/5

Tromeric


  

The Uh-Oh Show- Herschell Gordon Lewis

     Herschell Gordon Lewis returns for the first time since his highly underrated sequel to Blood Feast.  Is he like most of the greats from yesteryear dried up like your moms vagina? Or is he flowing like the falls at the Great Northern?
      I am hear to shout H.G. Lewis is still perfect at what he does. What is that? He makes movies to make money, they end up being super fun and have all the elements you want, so its a win win like that new wannabe Wes Anderson movie.   
     The Uh-Oh Show is what would of happened if Weird Al had asked Herschell to direct UHF.  It takes place at a network, they come up with crazy show ideas and battle evil. It's bassicly the same without that Twinkie bunned hot dog with cheese whiz thing. They have a game show where people are losing (that is for Son of Celluloid) their limbs to win some shit. You know what, that is all you get for plot. Did I mention this is a Herschell Gordon Lewis movie?
      Herschell Gordon Lewis is the Godfather of Gore. He is kinda like your grandpa.  When your grandpa says something it's funny, where as if someone else had said it maybe not so much. When I was a kid I would steal my grandpas porno magazines, they were pretty outdated and the girls had huge 1984 bush but they were awesome and a big part of that is where they came from.  I could go to my friends and steal his dads modern porn but it just wasn't the same. What I am trying to say is any old man that loves porn is bad ass, Ala any old man that makes a movie where a girl shoots chocolate milk out of her titties into a child's mouth in homage to  an earlier film of his where this happens is way cooler than me and you should give him some respect. 
     With all the Herschell dick sucking aside there is a lot of fun to be had with this movie. Sure it is low budget, the acting is mediocre, and the story is convoluted but it  is super fun. I mean I laughed and laughed and laughed. So many in jokes to other films, the effects are just as amazingly bad as they were in his earlier films. All practical of course with the exception of a few fire and electricity gags, and the cast is obviously having a blast comparable to the one Jackie Onassis took to the face with her husbands brain.  Talk about a facial(sorry been watching to many JFK documentary's lately).Herschell tells the stories like a champ, Brooke McCarter took a break from chasing the Coreys(whose fault was that? I'm looking at you Haim) to host a game show and the man himself Lloyd Kaufman steels the show with his gritty portrayal of a pimp. I can already hear the Oscar buzz. It could be the sequel to Three Six Mafia's win for as they so delicately put it. "It's hard out here for a pimp."
     OK. Final thoughts as I think I may of taken in to much of the grog and when that happens my hands just start pressing buttons. Like that, anyways final thoughts.  H.G. Lewis is responsible  for every one of the gore films you watch today, for that I thank him and quoted from some sticker machine somewhere "we will never forget."  They may not be perfect but they were always fun and always shocking for whatever reason and he still has it in him.


3/5

Tromeric

The Redsin Tower- Fred Vogel

     Toe Tag has made a name for themselves over the last decade or so.  Their August Underground trilogy are among the sickest of the sick. I mean that in the nicest way possible. Growing up I would always seek out anything I thought would gross me out. The problem was most of the time even movies I had heard were the sickest things this side of Patrick Swayze's last week alive were tame and kind of boring. Jump ahead to hearing about these infamous films. I saw Mordum first. My mind was blown. In fact I am pretty sure somehow I shit and pissed all over my dead grandmas body while raping her decomposing foot. I had to see the first one(at this time Penance was still not out). I was so impressed with the effects that I had to show everyone. While not being the most plot driven films I have ever seen the gore was enough to warrant multiple viewings. I then saw they did the effects on Murder Set Pieces and was insanely impressed with that. I had high hopes. It was nice to see the effects inside of a story I actually enjoyed. 

     This brings us to The Redsin Tower. A Toe Tag film with plot and acting and story. I was ecstatic. It starts out as a breakup story, turns into a revenge story and somehow mixes in some supernatural possession for good measure. It is very reminiscent of 80/90's films like Night of the Demons or The Convent both of which I am huge fans of. 

     It is a very different kind of film than most are used to. Everyone involved seems to care a lot about the film and it shines through. While no one in here strikes me as actors they all do an insanely believable and great job. The story flows like a Anemic on her period and as you can guess the effects are mind blowing. Buckets of blood, heads being chopped up, babies being eaten(Brother Lynch would be proud) one dude read Where the red fern grows one to many times and puts his hatchet to use more than Victor Crowley.

     

4/5

The Taint- Drew Bolduc, Dan Nelson

     After watching this film five times so far I finally feel ready to attempt to write about it. The Taint is in league of its own. I imagine the filmmakers grew up watching everything from John Waters to Troma. It is sexually charged yet still full of gore and basically gives you a facial of awesome the entire time you watch it.
    The plot is simple. The water is tainted(yeah I assumed the title was speaking of the in between of your ass and balls as well) and turns dudes into giant dicked zombies who hate woman and spray everyone with their knuckle children. The gore in this is so fucking awesome, so many head smashing's, clever gore gags and there is more cumming of blood than Cannibal Corpse has on their box set. Oh did I mention dick explosions. Yeah I am pretty sure they got Michael Bay to guest direct all the dick explosions scenes.
     The music is just as much of a character as any of the actors.   Goblin meets Kraftwerk and they gang bang Tristeza. Speaking of the actors they all do amazing work. May not be your typical Daniel Day Lewis but for what they are trying to accomplish they pull it off like a baby's diaper in the Vatican.  Speaking of baby's don't miss the assisted aborticide that would make Casey Anthony jealous.
     In the end The Taint is a perfect example of what you can do on a limited budget. You can tell everyone is having a blast while they made this and in an unlikely turn you the viewer also have a blast, albeit a blast to the face a blast none the less. Put on your dancing shoes, pull out your plastic sheet  and let The Taint blow its load of awesome right in your face.

4/5


Tromeric

The Deadly Spawn- Dougles Mckeown

     Giant penis alien monsters chew up bitches and devour young children. Its like a catholic preschool. One of my favorite films from the eighties, it has it all. Splatter bloody fun and gigantor nipples.
    


4.5/5


Tromeric

Dead Alive- Peter Jackson

     Before he made that trilogy that lasts longer than a pedophile trying to fuck a twenty year old Peter Jackson made some of the most important entry's in the splatter genre.
     Zombie Priests, zombie babys, fucking zombie priests, rat monkeys, puss pudding, giant bitches, lawnmowers  and more splatter than a bukake film. 


5/5

Tromeric

The Beyond- Lucio Fulci

     The Italian splatter master delivers in one of his best.  If I wasn't comparing it to his other work it would be perfect but its still damn close. 
     Demons, Seeing eye dogs ripping out jugulars(unfortunately not Juggalos), gingers getting their head the fuck shot off, spiders ripping out eyeballs and tearing away faces.  Those are just  a few highlights of what granddaddy Fulci brings to the table. Kathrine MacCOLL   and David Warbeck bring it and the music is amazing as always in Italy. 

4.5/5

Tromeric

Goblet of Gore- Andreas Schnaas

    The dude that bought us the Violent Shit movies brings us some more shit. This shit rules.  Did that dude just fuck a girl in her stomach knife wound so hard it came out her mouth and his cum split her in half?  Yes he did and I loved it.  The intro is about as long as the movie and the end credits are longer.  The dancing skeletons rule. I drunkenly learned the sweet two step they are rocking.  This movie is shit. This shit is awesome.  Garbage you want to fuck.  Schnasster!!!!!


2/5

Tromeric

Piranha -Alex Aja

Holy shit this movie is so much fun. I don't give a fuck about plot, I don't give a shit about much I just had more fun than B.T.K. had that time he took Helen Keller to the rope show. Starts off with with Matt Hooper(yes that Matt Hooper) singing some songs and catching some fish.  Then Precious takes a huge step and opens up the core of the lake and lets loose some bad ass fish.  From here on out it is 90 minutes of amazing killing and titties.  So many douchnozzles get the fuck eaten out of them by stupid looking fish.  Jerry O Connell gives the performance of a life time, it may be right up there with Joe's Apartment. I don't even know what I can say.  If your not a pussy you will love this movie. It is just fun, so fucking bloody and brooooooooootal and hot.  Hot naked woman swimming,  Doc Brown is there to explain what caused this, Eli Roth gets Sleepaway Camped.  The massacre scene will make Nan King look like a Rainbow Bright cartoon.  I don't want to ruin anything but dick burp. Wow, What the fuck? go watch this. Titties and blood for 90 minutes, did I mention they fly at your face? They do. Piranha 3D came all over my face and I loved it.  I rubbed that shit all over my sweet titties and let it lick it off, and it loved it cuz its a dirty whore.

4/5

Tromeric

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever- Ti West

So the First Cabin Fever is one of the best horror films of the last decade. Cant say that for this. I will say have a drink and enjoy a bizarre film. From what I understand the studio changed this enough that Ti West didn't even want his name on it. It is a bit confusing the tone is well Jumbled. Everyone in it sounds like they have a speech impediment and the dialog is almost surreal. With all that said the gore is great and Giuseppe Andrews returns to play Winston and that alone is worth it. When he yells at the the guy to " turn down the fucking Sepultura and listen man" amazing. His speech about sashimi pussy is also classic. And probably the best line in the film "She told me she was 18, and I always believe children". Winston's cousin gives a cop a backyard style peoples elbow and girls vomit blood all over. Crack open a cold one and enjoy the madness.


2.5/5

Eric

Embodiment of Evil- José Mojica Marins

Holy Shit Coffin Joe is back, Howard Hughes Nails and all. For taking place so long after the last Coffin Joe Film which I believe was like 1967 or some shit it does a good job keeping the tone of the old ones. It does however go way above and beyond in the gore and sex, while for the 60s it pushed the envelope he obviously had to step it up being 2009. Step it up he did, the amount of mind blowing beautiful visuals in this are well mind blowing. Naked woman being cut out of pig fetuses, so many scenes of blood running down naked woman's body's, and the way the blood skips over the nipples, its like a blood waterfall of awesome. Coffin Joe with tarantulas crawling all over his crazy old ass, snakes and spiders climbing out of ripped up body's, a girl eats her own ass meat and seem to enjoy it, its like a Brazilian ROM COM without Hugh Grant. All you need to know is this movie is fucking beautiful and its nice to see Coffin Joe return to his roots, get the fuck out of jail and beat out diabetes. Beat up a little kid and steal his lunch money if that's what it takes for you to get this masterpiece of modern Sinema.

4.5/5
Eric

Smash Cut-Lee Demarbre

The Man that brought you Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter brings the fun with this homage to Hershell Gordon Lewis. Now I know you are saying hasn't it already been brought, and correct you are but this doesn't loose its steam the way that J.C.V.H. did. I love that movie but if it wasn't for the first half hour I might not remember it so pleasantly, its like the Saving Private Ryan of Christploitation movies. Off the point, back from break. This movie is fun as a thousand Soapies, David Hess is hilarious, Micheal Berrymen is in his prime with what may be the best wig since cousin It. Sasha Grey, well what can I say? I love this girl, So hot, Hilarious and is DTF. Its nice to see Ray Sager in this, even ol Hershell graces us with his presence. Basic Plot(not that it matters) David Hess makes a child's play movie with Mr. Bill playing chucky. The Great looking crowed treats him as if he is Uwe Boll, He goes and gets a lap dance, takes the stripper with him, they get in a accident and he realizes he can use her dead body to make the effects look sweet. He then realizes he needs more body's, so he gets them, basic yes, but entertaining from start to finish, I felt the same way I did the first time I watched Gore Gore Girls, J.C.V.H. buddy balances the level of cheese and gore gags with interesting story(basic as it is), surreal acting, and fun, fun, fun. When it comes down to it that's what matters is i had a fucking blast.

3.5/5

Eric

Hatchet- Adam Green

“It’s about as fun as a bag of dicks” says the token black guy…well that’s true….if you’re a slut…cuz this movie is bad ass…keith your wrong…wrong I tell you…I don’t care if its not “good” bitch gets face ripped in half…that’s good in my eyes…what its lacking in substance it makes up for in blood and tits…and by tits I mean harmonys tits and that rulz….plus you have horror royalty John Carl Buechler the man behind such classics as Ghoullies 3: Ghoullies go to college, Miners massacre and Troll drink his own piss, ..and that rulz…

3/5

Tromeric