Ass To Mouth With Kimmy Gibbler: A Look At Atom The Amazing Zombie Killer- Zack Beins/Richard Taylor

Atom is just your everyday horror nerd. He loves zombies, horror, kicking it with his friends, and bowling. He has a girlfriend who loves to fuck, but doesn't appreciate any of his passions. She thinks his friends are useless, that his life is lacking purpose, and wants nothing to do with zombies, or horror of any kind. She is a horror hating whore basically. After Atom is kicked out of the bowling league thanks to those asshole slashers, his girl convinces him to skip movie night with the boys to go to some bullshit ass shit RomCom. He uses some tomfoolery to get her into the new zombie film. She is not amused. She pukes, he motorboats it. It's not enough. She leaves him for Dario. What is he to do now? Save the world from the zombie apocalypse? That is, if there is a zombie apocalypse. We will take a journey in and out of reality with Atom to find out what the true threat is.

Within seconds of popping this bitch in, I felt like I had taken a time machine back to my childhood. Sitting in my bedroom, watching the VHS I had rented. Or even recording it off of "USA Up All Night."
Atom the Amazing Zombie Killer is reminiscent of  many of the Troma films I grew up on. It is in your face with obscenities, disgusting sound effects, gore gags, references, taglines, puns, and hilarity.

The acting is the fun kind of bad. Not trying to hard out of nervousness, but trying to hard, because it's fun. The costumes and set design are often used as a punchline, and they aren't just tongue in cheek with the dialogue. They take their tongue, and forcibly shove it down your throat, until it comes out of your asshole, and sneaks up on your friend. It then starts giving your friend the best rim job they have ever had. They look satisfied, but ashamed. You may be worried, but you will quickly realize that shame is easy to get over, and you and your friend are having the time of your life. I may have gotten a bit off track. Basically I am saying this movie is pretty funny, and share a rimmy with your friend.

This is a film for people who enjoy taking low brow, and finding a way to stomp it into the ground. It has a ton of heart, sure when you poke the heart with a stake it oozes fecal matter, but it still has heart. It wasn't made to change the world. It wasn't made to win an Oscar. It was made because some dudes love horror, and wanted to share that love with the world. They wanted to have a good time making a film, and in turn you will have a good time watching it.  It is gross, fun, hilarious, slimy, oozy, ridiculous, and more over the top than a semi truck in an arm wrestling match.

3.5/5



-Tromeric

Dear God No!- James Bickert

    I was a bit leery going into this. I mean the poster is bad fucking ass and I love sleaze/bikers/rape(only when it's nuns, relax)/and blasphemy but the trailer while looking awesome was a bit off putting. I still of course had to go see it when I saw that we had it playing at Portland's own grindhouse The Clinton Street Theater, plus through my years of movie watching one of the many lessons I have learned is trailers usually mean about as much to me as I did to my dad. I love trailers, let me be clear. What I am saying is I have seen some of the best trailers in the world and been bored out of my fucking head with the film or vice versa, not the one with Judge Reinhold but the saying. Well I am happy to report that the trailer, like the those crazy family radio people, was wrong.

     The movie starts off with our rapist of rapists waking up and cunt punting a nun. Well James Bickert definitely knows how to start a movie.  The opening credits that follow are fun and reminiscent of many of the old biker films such as Pyschomania and Werewolves on Wheels. This is just the opening people. The rest of the film if full of awesome that you just have to see with your own eyes.

      Dear God No! has more blasphemy than the Satanic Bible, more PBR than Portland, more freeze frames than  The J. Geils Band, more rape than a bro down, more badassary than you can put on paper. John Waters got together with Russ Meyer and raped Michel Levesque while Herschell Gordon Lewis watched, jerked off and ordered Roger Corman off to the corner to sacrifice a virgin Doris Wishman to summon the dark lord to face fuck Jesus. 

   

4/5

Tromeric

555- Wally Koz

     555 is another classick shot on video from the eighties.  Look at that cover. How can you not want that.  I think I saw this when I was a kid but again I watched so many of these god damn movies that sometimes I am not sure.
     Right off the bat this movie wins me over.  A score that makes me dance like a madman, not mars but still a madman.  In the opening credits there is a Frankie say relax reference. Sweet.  Best Frankie reference since Chosen.
    The acting in this is fucking wow. They talk into the camera like they are making JCVD and they have about as much emotion as BTK when he was explaining killing all those woman.  The other acting of note is the yawning. The cop yawns with about as much precision as Keanu Reeves coughs in Constantine. The killer who looks like Charles Manson and thinks he is in a Jorg Buttgereit film(cuz he fucks dead people) sounds like the breather from Student Bodies.
     The characters in this are also epic. The stereotypical detectives, the go get em reporter that talks about super gluing her snatch a cooch closed, and the diner owner who looks like Joe Piscopo with grease stains. Shit yeah I would eat at his restaurant.
     Now lets get to the important stuff. The kills. Fuck yes they are amazing.  In your face lets cut a bitch and saw a guys head off and show you all of it. None of this pussy cutaway shit in your face like cum to Jenna Jamison's face.  The blood is bright ass red and you stand up and cheer like its the end of an eighties inspirational film every time someone gets the shit killed out of them.
     This movie is a prime example of why I am glad I grew up in the eighties. No one had a shitty computer program that made them think they could be a filmmaker. The thing is they knew they weren't  and they still are like "fuck it" I got this video camera bigger than the local news uses and some red paint and girls that will get naked. Shit yeah lets make a movie.

3.5/5

Tromeric


  

The Orphan Killer- Matt Farnsworth

     A modern slasher with some religious overtones. I am going to break this movie down Clint Eastwood Style.  Make sure you read the whole thing though.  Good + Bad + Ugly doesn't mean you shouldn't watch this.  My math is tight and I am about to tutor your ass.
  

The Good-  The Effects are fucking awesome. Old school, dirty blood red, pretty much all practical and broooooooootal.  Each kill is crafted with precise attention on everything that it should be. Head bashing's, stabbings, slicings, punches and kicks will all tear your face off.  Hammer Smash Face to a priest was epic and half naked woman wearing a crown of thorns is kinda sexy.
They definitely tried  to make this a unique slasher, it's laid out very differently than most films one might compare it to. I would assume this didn't have the biggest budget but they used what they had wisely.  Some great use of sound(not music but we will get to that later) and camera techniques. It had a old school vibe while still trying something new.  There is definitely a lot to praise here but not God has he made this monster. Speaking of it was really bizarre to see the clergy involved in sexual acts with partners the age of consent.  Nuns and BJ's help make your movie way cooler, take notes everyone.

The Bad-  By far the worst part about this for me was the music.  It starts off with some bullshit cover of Cry Little Sister from The Lost Boy's.  It's bad.  In fact the soundtrack is most definitely the worst part about this movie.  I think they got all the rejects from Ozzfest's second stage to do the music.  I am personally not usually a fan of songs in films, I prefer score. The only time I like songs is if it's used for the movie, like they are at a party and you hear what they are hearing. That makes sense, like Angela in Night of the Demons. That was awesome.  I just think score is a much more effective soundtrack, to each his own though.


The Ugly-  The Orphan Killer. This dude got raped by the ugly tree. His mask looks like a Sunday School class made a Slipnot mask out of paper mache.


     Overall if you enjoy slasher films of yesteryear and don't mind a little modern touch in there you should check this.  It will not change cinema and there are some flaws but fuck it not every girl I have been with is a ten.


3/5

Tromeric

The Uh-Oh Show- Herschell Gordon Lewis

     Herschell Gordon Lewis returns for the first time since his highly underrated sequel to Blood Feast.  Is he like most of the greats from yesteryear dried up like your moms vagina? Or is he flowing like the falls at the Great Northern?
      I am hear to shout H.G. Lewis is still perfect at what he does. What is that? He makes movies to make money, they end up being super fun and have all the elements you want, so its a win win like that new wannabe Wes Anderson movie.   
     The Uh-Oh Show is what would of happened if Weird Al had asked Herschell to direct UHF.  It takes place at a network, they come up with crazy show ideas and battle evil. It's bassicly the same without that Twinkie bunned hot dog with cheese whiz thing. They have a game show where people are losing (that is for Son of Celluloid) their limbs to win some shit. You know what, that is all you get for plot. Did I mention this is a Herschell Gordon Lewis movie?
      Herschell Gordon Lewis is the Godfather of Gore. He is kinda like your grandpa.  When your grandpa says something it's funny, where as if someone else had said it maybe not so much. When I was a kid I would steal my grandpas porno magazines, they were pretty outdated and the girls had huge 1984 bush but they were awesome and a big part of that is where they came from.  I could go to my friends and steal his dads modern porn but it just wasn't the same. What I am trying to say is any old man that loves porn is bad ass, Ala any old man that makes a movie where a girl shoots chocolate milk out of her titties into a child's mouth in homage to  an earlier film of his where this happens is way cooler than me and you should give him some respect. 
     With all the Herschell dick sucking aside there is a lot of fun to be had with this movie. Sure it is low budget, the acting is mediocre, and the story is convoluted but it  is super fun. I mean I laughed and laughed and laughed. So many in jokes to other films, the effects are just as amazingly bad as they were in his earlier films. All practical of course with the exception of a few fire and electricity gags, and the cast is obviously having a blast comparable to the one Jackie Onassis took to the face with her husbands brain.  Talk about a facial(sorry been watching to many JFK documentary's lately).Herschell tells the stories like a champ, Brooke McCarter took a break from chasing the Coreys(whose fault was that? I'm looking at you Haim) to host a game show and the man himself Lloyd Kaufman steels the show with his gritty portrayal of a pimp. I can already hear the Oscar buzz. It could be the sequel to Three Six Mafia's win for as they so delicately put it. "It's hard out here for a pimp."
     OK. Final thoughts as I think I may of taken in to much of the grog and when that happens my hands just start pressing buttons. Like that, anyways final thoughts.  H.G. Lewis is responsible  for every one of the gore films you watch today, for that I thank him and quoted from some sticker machine somewhere "we will never forget."  They may not be perfect but they were always fun and always shocking for whatever reason and he still has it in him.


3/5

Tromeric

The Eden Formula- John Carl Buechler

    John Carl Buechler has made some pretty fantastic movies. Ghoulies 3: Ghoulies go to College is well dare I say a masterpiece. Miners Massacre is so bad ass he could give Harry Warden a run for his money and we can never forget all the amazing effects work this man has done. Friday the 13: The New Blood is one of my least favorite of the series but the Jason effects in that are right at the top of the list. Hatchet gave him a chance to shine again and he got to drink his own pee. Awesome.
     The Eden Formula I am sad to say is not at the top of the list of awesome. You had the elements there. Dinosaur, Tony Todd, John Carl Buechler, and the Lawnmower Man himself Jeff Fahey. The dinosaur looked like it was from Sifl and Olly. That of course is not a bad thing. I enjoyed the dinosaur. Every time he picked someone up and ate their head off, cinematic gold. There were some good effects and some awesome moments but it suffered from the way to fucking long for its own good syndrome. If it had been about half the length and they cut out all the unnecessary heist crap out it could of went right there on the list with Miners Massacre but by about an hour I was pretty god damn bored.
     I have seen worse, if you have the time and are pretty intoxicated there is some enjoyment to be found you just will have to suffer through a bullshit heist movie that happens to have a bad ass puppet dino that eats bitches.


1.5/5

Tromeric

Nun of That- Richard Griffin

     Remember those calenders Nuns having fun? Well this is kinda like that only their fun includes sex, murder, taking down the mob, dancing, striping, and bar fights. Nun of that is a modern day low budget Nunsploitation film that while not being perfect manages to be a pretty fun ride, as I assume a nun would be.
    Nun of That follows Sister Marry Wrath as she is brought into a secret sect of nuns and priests that dish out the lords love the way they know best. With guns.  They can't stand around and let all this scum taint the earth, they must fuck it to death.
     The film sits at ninety minutes which I admit is a bit longer than it should be but overall it played alright. The list just goes on with memorable moments. Jesus singing a song that I'm pretty sure Depeche Mode wrote to a bunch of drunk nuns and a naked angel is probably the highlight. A Road House homage with Nuns drinking, fighting, throwing beer bottles at the blind nun singing on stage. Yeah that happened. A couple of cameos, one of which is Lloyd Kaufman playing the part he was born for and so many pretty amazing one liners that you would think Arnold Schwarzenegger wrote the script.
      If you take this for what it is, have some drinks and have some friends over it is a pretty fun ride.

2.5/5


Tromeric

Live Evil- Jay Woelfel

     Vampire films overall are a bunch of baby semen, unless your a priest that is gross. There are some exceptions obviously but overall vampire films are full of bullshit whiny ass pussies that are sad because they live to long and don't like having to change their loves every few years when the age difference becomes weird.
      Live Evil is made by someone who obviously grew up getting huge boners over Full Moon movies and even bigger broners for Trancers. This movie is low budge sludge and has a heart ready to be ripped out with a Rube Goldberg contraption and eaten. Tim Thomerson is bad ass and wears a priest outfit, a cowboy hat and uses a samurai sword backwards. The movie is full of nudity, amazing kills including late term abortion that will have you cheering for Roe vs Wade all over again. Ken Foree shows up to have bad tattoos and explain everything and well its just a fun fucking ride down the highway of hell. Mr. Gable made this a reality for me and I hope you will take it upon yourself to dot the same. If you wanna have some drinks, have some fun and see what can be done with a low budget and a couple of bad asses check this shit out or I will behead your baby.

3.5/5

Tromeric

The Taint- Drew Bolduc, Dan Nelson

     After watching this film five times so far I finally feel ready to attempt to write about it. The Taint is in league of its own. I imagine the filmmakers grew up watching everything from John Waters to Troma. It is sexually charged yet still full of gore and basically gives you a facial of awesome the entire time you watch it.
    The plot is simple. The water is tainted(yeah I assumed the title was speaking of the in between of your ass and balls as well) and turns dudes into giant dicked zombies who hate woman and spray everyone with their knuckle children. The gore in this is so fucking awesome, so many head smashing's, clever gore gags and there is more cumming of blood than Cannibal Corpse has on their box set. Oh did I mention dick explosions. Yeah I am pretty sure they got Michael Bay to guest direct all the dick explosions scenes.
     The music is just as much of a character as any of the actors.   Goblin meets Kraftwerk and they gang bang Tristeza. Speaking of the actors they all do amazing work. May not be your typical Daniel Day Lewis but for what they are trying to accomplish they pull it off like a baby's diaper in the Vatican.  Speaking of baby's don't miss the assisted aborticide that would make Casey Anthony jealous.
     In the end The Taint is a perfect example of what you can do on a limited budget. You can tell everyone is having a blast while they made this and in an unlikely turn you the viewer also have a blast, albeit a blast to the face a blast none the less. Put on your dancing shoes, pull out your plastic sheet  and let The Taint blow its load of awesome right in your face.

4/5


Tromeric

Coons! Night of the Bandits of the Night- Travis Irvine

     Troma is a company I have been watching since I was dick high. USA up all night introduced me to many of the classics and my VHS scores of The Toxic Avenger and Class of Nuke em High were watched more than my copy of Ramboner, and that's saying something. When I found Cannibal the Musical that fateful day I could not stop watching it. When DVDs started making their way into my house in the late 90's early oughts Troma was a label I would look for right along side Criterion, Anchor Bay, and Something Weird. Terror Firmer, The Tox Box, Tromas War were a few of the first ones I remember picking up, at one point I considered buying the complete Troma catalog off their website. Then something happened, I bought Rockabilly Vampire. There I said it. This was a very traumatic day in my life, I remember it like it was yesterday. I got back to the dungeon of doom, cracked open my 40 lit a smoke and put in what I assumed was gonna be my new favorite film. I waited and waited for something amazing and as time went on I realized I was being tortured. The Iron Maiden doesn't have shit on Rockabilly Vampire. I am pretty sure Werner Hezog should of made a movie about this instead of Dieter Dengler. I don't wanna take away the impact of his torture but he never watched Rockabilly Vampire as far as I know. I realized that while if it had Lloyd' s name on the director line I could count on it to rule my balls but just having the Troma label meant nothing anymore. Buying a Troma movie became like having sex on the bed your were raped on, sure there were exceptions. Teenage Catgirls in Heat, Redneck Zombies, Monster in the Closet but most of the time I ended up watching some Bullshit like Butt Crack that scared me for life. I am rambling, let me get to the point. Coons! Night of the Bandits of the Night is  far better than it has any right to be.
      Some may say that Coons is sophomoric and tasteless. Well I can't argue with that. I will say for a movie made with a budget comparable to a German skat film and some of the worst acting and costumes and effects you will ever see its not half bad.  I am not saying this is the new Citizen Kane by any means but it does have racoons that shoot guns, make your mom jokes and throw shit at people. The racoons are just really old victims of taxidermy on a stick but they are fucking hilarious. The characters are all insanely over the top and poorly executed yet you can't help but enjoy it. The writing is surprisingly fun albeit not what many would describe as "good."
     You probably should have a lot of drinks if you watch this. You should probably avoid this is you don't tend to enjoy wallowing around in your own shit. If like me you sometimes don't mind rolling around in last nights tequila and stir fry pick up this little turd nugget and launch that shit straight in your DVD player.
    

1.5/5

Tromeric


     
     

Slime City Massacre- Greg Lamberson

    Slime city Massacre is the follow up to the 1988 classic slime/gore film from Greg Lamberson. It is two stories interwoven to tell of the past and future.  In the fifties we see a wackadoo cult that loves flesh and yogurt and shine.  We then see some squatters in the future that find the yogurt/shine and indulge and become covered in Nickelodeon Gak.  This makes them horny so they fuck and slime each other all up and go kill some vagrants. Roy Frumkeys(the man that brought us another classic slime movie from the 80's Street Trash) shows up as Donald Trump and wants Slime City so he sends in a clean up crew to take out the bums, one of which looks like Jim Jarmusch had sex with a crite hunter. Chaos ensues and everyone gets all slimed up.
      Slime City Massacre feels more like a post apocalyptic thriller from the 80's than its predecessor which was more of a straight up gore/splatter fest. There is plenty of great gags in in don't get me wrong it just seems to be on a completely different playing field then the original.
     Slime City Massacres biggest problem is that its to ambitious. I feel bad saying that but the budgetary restraints are obvious and it can kind of take you out of the story. On the other hand in their defense what they did with such a modest budget should be applauded. The appliances and practical special effects are fun and very reminiscent of the eighties, I love the slime and the colors and there is a great beheading and Debbie Rochon turns into a bathtub of goo that is just a face and its fucking gross.  When she emerges from the tub  with a vagina that stretches taint to tits you can't help but rejoice.
    This film does fall into problems with some of the CGI they use.  I like many prefer practical over CG but there are times it has worked for me.  This movie is full of times where it didn't though. A tongue scene in particular  made me cringe and not in a good way.  They added some extra splatter via computer and while not perfect I could look the other way on that.  As I said earlier on problem is it is to ambitious.  There is a lot of social commentary here but it feels pushed at points and gets a little convoluted.  My biggest complaint is some of the sound design.  The screaming is god awful. They reuse the scream that you have heard a thousand times that is on every sound effect CD.  You can hear the sound come and go at points and that kind of takes you out of the story. One place the sound does work is the melting and slicing. It adds a lot to what you are seeing on screen.
      Slime City Massacre is far from a masterpiece.  It has its flaws, however it almost wears them as a badge of honer. The sets are amazing and you believe you are in this total shit infested ghost city(probably because you are, I believe they filmed in Buffalo).  I,  like this chef I know like to watch people melt, if there's slime I have time is the motto I just made up now.  If you are a fan of the original or like low budget slimy, gooey, gory fun seek this out. It won't blow your mind but it may melt it a bit.  Or at least that bottle you drink while watching it will.

3.5/5

Tromeric

Die-ner(get it?)- Patrick Horvath

     So I got real drunk and put this little gem on. I was expecting some garbage with a few redeeming qualities kinda like Retardead or something like that. I hit the play button after my fifth spider bite and the opening happened and I already knew I had looked at this all wrong. It's like when you wake up in the morning and the girl you brought home with you  is in the shitter and you have the moment of fear when she walks out assuming you brought home a yeti or some shit and then are pleasantly surprised when shes not half bad.
     DIEner starts off with a back and forth between a South African waitress(I was sold just on the fact she was South African) and a traveler.  The back and forth is very believable and tense all at the same time which is when I realized I had judged this movie wrong. The traveler guts her and the cook and we get a sweet opening credit sequence reminiscent of a late H.G. Lewis movie.  Next up we have a couple who is fighting because they finally realized there is no such thing as true love.  There is some awkward back and forth between them and the traveler who is now pretending he works at the diner. Next up we have the sheriff who came straight off the set of Dukes of Hazard. Now all hell breaks loose as for some unknown reason everyone starts turning into zombies. They don't explain it and I am OK with that. I will quit there as the rest is better left to the viewer to discover.  The thing about DIEner is everyone in it is really good. I didn't expect that. The killer is reminiscent of Paul Rudd and plays his character right on the line of creepy and likable. He would make a great child molester. The couple is believable and pulls off all the tension and humor quite well.
      DIEner is not a perfect film but put it in and you will be surprised at what they pulled off for what I am sure was quite the modest budget. There are worse ways to spend an evening and this one has no risk of and STD so thats gotta count for something.

3.5/5


Tromeric

Hanger- Ryan Nicholson

     So the man that brought us Gutterballs returns with this revenge?, shock, gore fest.
     Debbie Rochon got knocked up because the dude with Pinocchio's nose hates jimmy hats. Her pimp who is a little more hardcore than Butters, tells her to to take care of that shit. It's gross, no one wants to fuck a fat chick with a baby up there. What he doesn't understand is there are plenty of people that love that shit. She doesn't do it because she loves this thing she has never met.  Her pimp gives her the pimp hand for disobeying. If she would of just listened this whole thing could of been avoided. Doesn't she know we are in America?  Abortion is one of the most underused things that that Lee Greenwood dude wrote a song to protect.  Not to be insensitive but I am OK that she died.  Every time a hooker doesn't get her bastard child aborted Osama Bin Laden wins. Freedom isn't free people.  Anyways since pimp buddy is pissed he decides to take matters into his own hands. He punches that bitch and shoves  a coat hanger right up her snatchadoodle in full on close up mode in what one would call one of the highlights of the film. She is a pussy and can't handle a wee little coat hanger and dies but the baby survives and some homeless dude that was still around from the Street Trash set finds it and raises it.
     We now jump ahead 18 years where we meet back up with botched abortion who meets up with his dad.  His dad gets him a job picking up trash with hybrids of the cast of What is it and Tank Girl.  The boss is a super hot fake titted secretary looking lady who likes to light candles get naked and bang herself with a Hello Kitty pen while laying on top of her desk where her transient employees can just walk up and check  out the show.  Lots of crazy shit happens.  Tampon teabag, Santa fucks an Asian sped in the ass till he shits, a pro slimes her finger and gives daddy a snatch stash and so much more.
        Nicholson loves horror and it shows. He likes to shock, offend and surprise.  This movie is no exception.  It is far from perfect, for a revenge tale there is little to no revenge.  It changes nothing for the genre. The acting could be better, the story dissipates into shock and strays away from plenty of places it could of and probably should of went.  With all that said there is plenty of good here as well, just look above to find out.  Hanger is a mildly fun watch that anyone who wants to be disgusted or mildly entertained for 90 minutes should give a chance. If your looking for something to add to your best lists I would say skip this.  With all of the shocking subject matter and disgusting effects this ends up being rather forgettable and repetitive by the end.  Long story short. You will be grossed out, its fun to have a beer and show your friends, the next morning you will forget it just like that girls name who is laying next to you with a crying bloody fetus trying to run away but cant get anywhere because of the umbilical chord its attached to.


2/5

Tromeric

8213: Gacy House- Anthony Fankhauser

     A slow useless night at work was over and my brain was pondering what the fuck was I going to do?  Paranormal Activity 2 was opening and having a midnight screening and while I do want to watch it, it seemed like it was going to be crowded and I just wanted to kick my feet up, crack open a cold one(a beer, not a dead naked woman), and like Frankie just relax.  Well I opted for plan B so as I was looking through my pile of films to be watched and skipped over many films with tons of potential to become modern classics I saw Gacy house and knew right away.  My fate was sealed.
     Gacy House is what you expect. It is a found footage film done by the asylum where the ghost of John Wayne Gacy is out to trade in his little boys for a group of ghost hunters.
     It's like this, I can't tell you anything to sway you one way or the other.  Do you like found footage movies? You will probably like this.  Do you like serial killers?  You will probably like this.  Do you like the asylum?  You will probably like this.  Do you like all three of these?   You will blow a load all over the inside of your pants . 


3/5

Tromeric

Animals- Douglas Aarniokoski

What a piece of shit. LOVED IT.  This movie should of been made in the 90s for skinamax.  So much soft core sex.  I felt as if I was watching Embrace the vampire as if directed by one of the Full Moon dudes, oh wait this dude wrote Puppet Master 4 and 5. The writer of the novel this is based off of is John Skipp who was one of the original Splatterpunk authors back in the day and also wrote the script for Nightmare on Elm St 5.  Which sucked, but we wont hold that against him as he is kind of a bad ass.  This movie is kind of a slow starter but you get tons of skinamax sex to hold you over.  The dialogue is laughable at times but is delivered in a surprisingly sincere manner. Not to shocking when you get a team up from three of the best TV shows ever produced outside of Twin Peaks.  You have Nicki Aycox from Supernatural, Naveen Andrews from Lost(doing one of the worst British accents ever) and Marc Blucas from Buffy who was probably Buffy's most irritating fuck buddy the entire series but regardless not a bad chap.  Anyways this movie is pretty shitty overall but for some reason I loved it. Probably cause I am a fucked up individual who has sat through Blood Freak more times than I care to admit.  Like I said earlier the dialogue is atrocious and the writing is quite convoluted but somehow it works.  As shitty as it is you can tell that these people tried to make a great movie based off a great book, it just didn't end up that way but the sincerity is there.  I will say a lot of the practical effects are insanely bad ass and will have you wanting to punch a puppy in its cut off ball sack out of excitement. On the other hand the CGI in this is fucking godawful. It is however so fucking bad that I kind of enjoyed it. Its kind of reminiscent of Primal Rage for the Genesis.  These animals look like Kangaroo Jack if he had been animated on an Apple 2E.  It is utter shit, almost on par with the gif birds from Birdemic but still somehow a step up from that(not 3D though). Long story short great ideas, Nicki Aycox all kinds of naked, tons of fucking heart and a fun ride. Kind of like a shroom trip that kind of got a little weird but in the end it was kind of a fun ride. If you enjoy shit shove your anal beads up this movies ass and lay below it and take it all in and rub that shit all over your nips.  Sometimes it feels good to be a dirty dirty whore. 

2.5/5


Tromeric

Five Across the Eyes -Greg Swinson/RyanThiessen

Another guest review from Jimmy Caution this time, check out is label Amputape for some badass tapes and zines and whatnot.

Okay so this is supposed to be a real time film shot on a really shitty DV camera about some girls going to or coming back from some sporting event or something. Since the film is in “Real Time” so is this review. The camera work is an abhorrent attempt at “Cinematography”.  Everything looks out of focus and blurry (or maybe that’s my fault?) They just keep fucking with the camera while the five shitty actor girls vomit their useless dialogue.  The ladies decide to deviate from the main road their friends are on and take some side road “Just to see where it goes.” Are you fucking serious?! Oh and big fuckin surprise their cell phones stop working. They all have shitty coverage apparently. Hmm, there’s a bunch of words shrieking through my TV, I think it’s supposed to be dramatic.  Oh shit! One of them is a Christ-y and started praying!!! Wow. Oh yeah, I forgot to mentionthere’s someone following them. She looks like a pissed off soccer mom with a shotgun. It would be just fine if she blew their heads off right now. These chicks are super annoying and I can’t wait for them to be killed.  Shotgun Soccer Mom orders the girls to strip and threatens to shove her shotgun up this chicks ass and blow it through her mouth? Sounds sexy.Now she makes one of them piss herself ala The Last House on the Left but completely unmoving/boring like the shitty remawas. Oh SSM just left, sorry, I was checking my email.

Anyway, um the girls are crying and giving topless hugs to each other now and even that is boring. So far the most interesting thing was a moth or something that was flying around the cars dome light for a minute. It bailed pretty quickly. Much like I would like to do right now if it wasn’t for the fact that I promised Tromeric I would send him something for the Grog. These girls are reaaaally stupid.After the SSM leaves they follow the same fucking directionas her to escape?  Of course SSM starts after them again. Are you sick of reading this yet? I would be. Did anyone see that Korean film The Chaser? That was very well made, very suspenseful. Naboer is excellent as well, the director understands how to tell a story and keep it interesting (hint hint). HAHA one of the girls shit in her hand and threw it on the SSM’s window.  Oh now a sneeze puke. Is this why the DVD cover says attention grabbing crap like “Brutal” and “A film that demands to be seen!”?  Can you feel how much I am hating this? I could be making a turkey drawing with my hand or reading the bible, or some other pointless activity and it would be better than this. Have you seen how fucked up Roger Ebert looks now? What the fuck happened to him? He uses a Hawking style computer voice to speak and has this insane perma-smile on his face. I should be watching video of that right now.

I kind of admire the lack of any sort of score or soundtrack in this. Yet I feel like if there was something to drown out all of the screaming I could enjoy it better. I’m the one who keeps screaming by the way. Fuck these athletic girls are strong and smart. They try to hide the car and can barely push it a couple of feet and then toss a few branches on the windshield to hide it. Kind of like when you were a little kid and thought if you couldn’t see someone when you were hiding they couldn’t see you. FUUUUUUCK there’s another hour of this left. Wait there’s only one girl in the car now? I’m sure the massive flashlight she is using to escape won’t draw the SSM’s attention at all. I’ve seen better movies from Brain Damage. There’s some Evanescence kinda song playing and a bunch of the girls are back now? I’m confused and insulted by this. The special effects are so shoddy. This girl is supposed to have blood all over her mouth but she just looks like Spaget from Tim & Eric. She had a screwdriver stuck up her vag, I guess that’s “Shocking”. The girl that’s driving gets glass from the windshield stuck into her eyes but is looking at the blood on her hands and freaking out? Hmm, she is also able to drive and see again after wiping her eyes on her friends’ sleeve?Best line of the movie “If she kills you you’re dead!” Seriously someone took time to write that. Man, fuck this movie. One of the quotes on the DVD sleeve is from  SlasherPool.com saying this is “Brilliant, demented, and disturbing…One of the best horror movies ever!” The person that said that either got paid to do it or has never seen a horror film before.  This lacks any real intensity, emotion, or believability. With what the Directors were trying to accomplish with the “You’re there in the action” style it all fails miserably to achieve any semblance of reality. This is crap. I’m even going easy on it, I could say a lot worse with more detail but why fucking bother. And to the Directors:when you Google yourself and end up reading this review of your fucking horrible movie, just remember that I paid for it. I spent money on this. Your movie was crap and there were two of you working on it! Didn’t one of you at least say to the other at some point “You know um, this doesn’t really make sense and is pretty horrible.”? Fucking hell! Better luck next time guys. How you got such hyperbolic quotes from some semi-respectable film sites blows my mind. That is the only thing shocking and terrifying about FIVE ACROSS THE EYES.    

 .01/5

 -Jimmy Caution

Blood on the Highway- Barak Epstein/Blair Rowan

So I went into this with very low expectations, I sift through a lot of shit and its safe to assume most of it is gonna suck Jesus balls.  So like many other days I grabbed my drank put in the disc and expected to be bored and downing my half gallon of Evan Williams to survive. Within minutes i heard lines such as "I'm gonna kick your balls right out your twat boy" and " not even vomit could tarnish that sweet ass."  With these great lines, dumb ass characters and massive amounts of gore within the first few minutes I was willing to give this cheese fest a shot.  The lines continued to crack my shit up, at first I was writing them all down but within ten minutes I realized that I didn't have the patience as they were as common as a 10 year old's smegma on the popes shaft.  This movie is by no means perfect or even close, it is however a fun ride full of blood, vampires, Nicholas Brendon, horror punk, Tom Towels, hillbillies, Attempted Bro Rape, and some of the most offensive hilarious dialogue this side of a Giuseppe Andrews film. Think Sundown date rapes Dead and Breakfast and 2000 Maniacs shows up and aborts the baby they made.  If you want quality cinema I wouldn't necessarily recommend this but if you wanna get fucked up and do fucked up things grab this disc take a few shots and have some mother fucking fun.

3.5/5

Tromeric

Night of the hell hamsters- Paul Campion

Wowbobwow. This movie is fucking high-larious, like me. These hamsters are pissed. You shoulda just fucked your boy toy, not summon a dark lord who will possess furry little critters that are hungry for balls and take acting lessons from ghoulies in college. This was one of the best 15 minutes of my life, talking animals, dick gore, flying animals, Ouija boards, tomfoolery and so much badassary I cant even explain it. Go get your ass online and watch this shit, holy fuck baby.


3.5/5

Tromeric

Birdemic: Shock and Terror- James Nguyen

Has your mind ever been blown? Well my brain just got a Blow Job from James Nguyen. Not just any BJ but like one of the ones that takes just a little to long, like maybe you drank to much Tequila and even though it feels pretty damn good you just cant quite finish and it kind of starts to hurt. Some how in a sick way its a good pain. You cant really blame her cuz God damn is she putting her all into it. About two thirds of the way through the pain starts to feel really good and you know its finally gonna happen. The pay off. Sure your a little raw but its the price you will pay. Its getting towards the end and she knows it, she starts working really hard, maybe bring the balls into the mix, now its good, even blissful, you don't even know why you had doubts that it was gonna end well. Its cumming its cumming and just at the last minute she sticks her finger in your ass and you blow, you made it and God Damn was it worth it. Well Birdemic is like that only your getting a BJ from the coolest looking animated gif birds you have ever seen.


4/5


Eric

Basement Jack- Michael Shelton

Decent Low Budget Slasher/Killer fare. Lynn Lowery who used to be one of the hottest woman in the world, well let just say while I would of fucked her while there were weird sex slugs crawling around her, now that she is just a crazy old mom who uses her son to recreate the Struck by lightning scene from Great Outdoors I...aah fuck it I would still fuck her, I would just show everyone the publicity shots from Shivers. Anyways back to the film in question, and the question is why did I somewhat enjoy this? The effects were bad, Knife threw head was done in photo shop I think. They have Tiffany Sheppis in this as a cop, not a sexy stripper cop but a wearing way to many bulky clothes cop. That's like putting Brinke Stevens in a Nun roll, and not the sweet kind that gets her pussy eaten by her disciplined schoolgirl students. Michele Morrow is pretty much fully clothed all the time, that is a sin. Michele Morrow and Basement Jack have a Matrix style bullet time fight. Yet with all these things, i suggest watching this, man I am fucked up.


1.5/5

Eric