30 Day Horror Challenge day 17

     Remakes.  Overall a bunch of shit.  Of course there have been some greats. The Thing, Last house on the Left, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Cape Fear.  These are all so good I don't feel the need to talk about them. Some of the new ones have been sweet, The Hills have Eyes, My Bloody Valentine and a few others.  One stands out for me and that is......

     I know a lot of people did not enjoy this as much as I did but with the cast. Wow.  Crispin Glover is a God, I will watch anything he does. I had the pleasure of meeting him at a screening of his film It is Fine and he was one of the nicest most interesting people I have met, not to mention the movie was amazing.  Seriously though. I love H.G. Lewis but I thought this was a great homage to the source material while sprucing it up and almost turning it into a noir film.  The gore in it is amazing which is important with a name like Wizard of Gore.  I am really drunk, went to a show and just returned and have to be up for work in five hours so that is about all I can muster up on the subject, but what else do you need?

Tromeric

Halloween 2- Rob Zombie

     Rob Zombie has lost his mind.  Which is fitting as I have as well.  With the first remake he did he was criticized for many things one being that aside from the first little bit where he wasted time explaining why Michael was crazy it wasn't nearly as "different" as he had eluded to.  Well for the sequel he gave everyone a big Fuck You and just pulled a bunch of shit out of his ass.  Halloween 2 is a love it or hate it film.  It is not that "good" but is so fucking out there I can't help but enjoy it.  The brutality shown in it is impressive as well. Don't get me wrong it's no August Underground but the amount of stabbing Michael pulls off is pretty impressive.  Anyways I don't have it in me to pick it apart or give it praise I am just glad I survived my 16 hour Marathon and I definitely dont mind going out on this compared to some of the other shit I have suffered though today.  

3.5/5
Tromeric

Halloween- Rob Zombie

     So I am not going to take the time to argue that this should of never happened.  It was pointless and there is so many things Rob Zombie could of done besides waste his time remaking one the best films ever made. 
     I will say if you can ignore that and just want to be entertained this will do the trick, especially if you have spent twelve hours straight watching the downfall of the Halloween franchise. Rob Zombie definitely splits people down the middle and that's fine.  I tend to enjoy his white trash broooooootal take on things, again he should of done something else but I guess I am going with the if you can't beat em join em approach.  If you judge me try watching all the original Halloween films back to back.  I just became a mathematician and figured out a formula.
Revenge+Curse+H20+Resurrection= the rotten foreskin off of John Holmes's  Aid's ridden cock which is < horrible than Rob Zombies remake. 

3/5


Tromeric

Night of the Demons- Adam Gierasch

     As a rule remakes make me wanna take that cock piece from Se7en and recreate that scene from A Serbian Film, but every once in a while from time to time one comes along that I enjoy the shit out of.  This is one of those.

     John Conner goes to a party to deal some drugs and take a break from being in christian horror films and runs into a whole crew of amazingly beautiful horror babes slutting it up because that's what you do on Halloween.  A story is told, demons get loose and possess some bitches and chaos(not that shitty last house wannabe movie) ensues. You know what?  Who gives a fuck?   Linnea Quigley has a cameo, and like I said earlier tons of beautiful horror babes strut their stuff and they take the lipstick trick to a new level.  It's like warping to level negative one, it doesn't make any sense but it kicks more ass than Andrea Yates on mothers day. 
   
     The music is so fitting with such great acts as T.S.O.L., Goatwhore and Creature Feature.  The effects are somewhere between mediocre and awesome and the acting is delivered surprisingly well.


   
     All in all this is a great homage to the clasicks of the 80's and pays tribute without insulting the original.  It is a party movie.  I want Andrew W.K. to show up with an eight ball and a case of tall boys and we will party till we puke.  Party, Party, Party. 

3/5

Tromeric

Piranha -Alex Aja

Holy shit this movie is so much fun. I don't give a fuck about plot, I don't give a shit about much I just had more fun than B.T.K. had that time he took Helen Keller to the rope show. Starts off with with Matt Hooper(yes that Matt Hooper) singing some songs and catching some fish.  Then Precious takes a huge step and opens up the core of the lake and lets loose some bad ass fish.  From here on out it is 90 minutes of amazing killing and titties.  So many douchnozzles get the fuck eaten out of them by stupid looking fish.  Jerry O Connell gives the performance of a life time, it may be right up there with Joe's Apartment. I don't even know what I can say.  If your not a pussy you will love this movie. It is just fun, so fucking bloody and brooooooooootal and hot.  Hot naked woman swimming,  Doc Brown is there to explain what caused this, Eli Roth gets Sleepaway Camped.  The massacre scene will make Nan King look like a Rainbow Bright cartoon.  I don't want to ruin anything but dick burp. Wow, What the fuck? go watch this. Titties and blood for 90 minutes, did I mention they fly at your face? They do. Piranha 3D came all over my face and I loved it.  I rubbed that shit all over my sweet titties and let it lick it off, and it loved it cuz its a dirty whore.

4/5

Tromeric

The Blob- Chuck Russell

 Chuck Russel took a break from the best Nightmare movie that Dokken is in while he was waiting to make the bad ass Eraser staring everyone's favorite Governor that was in Predator(oh wait that doesn't single anyone out does it).


So poor mans Matt Dillon, AKA Johnny Drama, AKA boy who hung out in his dads ball sack longer than Matt so he didn't get a the role in Outsiders but was still bad ass in some other shit is a bad ass. He spends his days pretending he is Evil Knievel and pissing off the local cops. Then the douchy jock takes that bitch from Becker( I think she was in those shitty Saw films also) out to get him some. He is driving her around looking for some shit when the crazy homeless dude runs out and hits the car and rolls off it like a little bitch. The dudes dude it up and take homeless buddy to the hospital where Eraserhead himself takes time off from being in the Suicidal Tendencies video to check the homeless dude out even though he doesn't have blue cross.  This is when all hell breaks loose. What was just a little bit of pink spooge looking shit on the poor mans arm is now a huge ball of goo. It looks like a huge chunk of gak. I want to stick my hand in it to make fart noises but from the looks of that dudes hand that's a bad idea.  All ramblings aside The blob is super bad ass. Sure it is a remake which these days tend to piss me the fuck off but this is one done right. The original blob is a fun 50's movie but once the 80s rolled around they realized they could use the technology from You Can't do that on Television and make one bad ass slimy body melting gooey fun fucking movie, that's what they did.  This incarnation of The Blob is a fucking blast the slimy gooey fun of it and the feel and the nostalgia, its damn near perfect and I think it is one of the most overlooked films of the 80's. With that being said I would like to touch on the rumors that Rob Zombie is re re making this. Don't do it sir. The Devils Rejects is a modern masterpiece and although the Halloween remakes were kinda shite I looked the other way cuz I love your white trash rants and you get great actors, but seriously do something original. Make The Nail or Bigfoot, just not a rehash of a rehash. Fuck. Anyways no that I have went off on a drunken rant I will stop but seriously get a bag of popcorn hook up your VCR to your shitty TV you have in the basement and turn off all the lights and sit back and enjoy one of the movies that made the 80s what they were. 



4/5

Tromeric

The Wolfman- Joe Johnston

This Wolfman doesn't have nards. In fact he doesn't even just have one nard after getting it crushed a wrestling match. Its like Teen wolf 2 with the effects of Altered Beast. This is about as Middle of the road as you get. Its like Stephen King just hanging out waiting to get pummeled. Granted Stephen King is kind of a bad ass as this wolf is a douche. Come on Benico you used to be a bad ass, now you waste your time in Altered Beast the motion picture. Not to say this is all bad, there are moments(very few) where its kinda sweet but seriously when Silver Bullet is a more engrossing film you got some fucking issues. This movie is like a somewhat attractive girl with secret cutting issues, yeah if your just drunk enough she may be attractive enough to fuck but you are gonna notice the scars the whole time.

1/5
Tromeric

A Nightmare on Elm Street(2010)- Samuel Bayer

So what was good about this remake you ask? ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING! I just got Raped, Raped like the kids Fred Kruger Raped even though they didn't have the balls to just say it, white elephant in the room. Freddy is not a good dude he raped some kids. Just fucking say it, I mean we don't need a Irreversible style child rape scene but for Christs sake we are suppose to think hes a bad guy right? Who doesn't think child rape is bad? The kind of people you wanna see get burnt alive. I thought if anything Jackie Earle Haley would be a bad ass, but no go on that, he looks and sounds like Corky if he had been on the plane with Travis Barker and that DJ. Bad CGI Gods rejoice the effects in this look like shit, Jesus Christ in the original they spent like six bucks on some latex to have Freddy come out of the wall and it scared the fuck out of me, in this they probably spent thousands and it looks about as good as the E.T. game for the Atari 2600. All of the characters in this are complete fucktards. The first kill of the movie has some douche bag stab himself to death after having a psychotic episode in the middle of a diner where he keeps repeating "your not real" then his dumb bitch of a girlfriend when referencing his Elliot Smithesque demise at the funeral says " right before he died he kept saying your not real, what does that mean? Really you are that fucking retardead? It's 2010 even if you cant pick up a copy of Websters get they fuck online and look up the definition of not real, God Damn it what could not real mean, I was counting the seconds to watch this stupid bitch die, unfortunately for me once it happened it was boring as shit cuz that's how all of the kills in this Godawful excuse of a movie are executed. Freddy does make it clear he would like to "play" with two of the girls he already molested, I don't buy it, that's way to old for him, it's like me being attracted to a woman in her 80's, and unless said woman is one of the Golden Girls, that's not gonna happen. I could go on all fucking day, I feel completely ripped off. I will leave you with two things I wish had happened.


1. I wish When I was dozing off due to complete Boredom Freddy would of came into my dreams and killed me in an amazing way like the old Freddy would of, like use the Power Glove or turn me into a Puppet and make me walk off of a roof.

2. I wish Freddy would of Raped the entire Platinum Dunes Crew in the ass as hard as they raped the Nightmare Franchise.


.5/5


Tromeric

Prom Night- Nelson McCormick

Holy shit, there is no amount of Alcohol or drugs than can save this monstrous Rhino shitstorm. The 80's one is fun, not great but fun, this has nothing. Some of the stupidest charecters ive ever seen on celluloid. There is a state of panic and alarms going off and my whole family got murdered last year, ah fuck it, im gonna go back upstairs to get my shall. What a bunch of fuck warts. Jonathan Schaech is a fucktard, the cop thinks hes in Shakespearean theater. I shit blood and smeared it all over the TV to block my eyes from this.

0/5


Eric

It's Alive- Josef Rusnak

Wow, at first I was like this is not to bad, then about 5 Minutes in I was like, oh my fuck baby I shit this out the other day after I ate a bunch of Pills and ate some 5 Star Thai food. Gross. Bijou Phillips is always someone I love but even she couldn't save this turd. I love the original, but this like most remakes missed the point. A couple good kills, and it looks nice, but besides that, will be forgotten about as fast as Aids.

1/5

Eric

Children of the Corn(2009)- Donald P. Borchers

So this time around Linda Hamilton turned black and started dating pat smear the Soul Reaper, and Peter Horton is actually a international Spy/Terrorist. Dexter's Stepson Wears a hat that he bought at the state Fair's humorous giant hat booth. The married couple this time don't like each other that much which leads to some hilarious antics, and since hes a Vietnam vet he gets to have sweet flashbacks where the guy that did the effects for laser blast puts in his two cents. Overall this is pretty bad, but I will say all the Kid deaths are awesome, surprisingly brutal, snapping a fat kids neck and impaling a four year olds jugular is pretty god damn funny, and awesome, when the kid is hit by the car, wow...rent this shit and if you enjoy seeing kids get obliterated u can look past the fact that nothing that made the original kind of frightening or interesting is here, but like I said Kids get the fuck killed out of them.

1.5/5

Eric

Halloween 2- Rob Zombie

I am one of the 50 percent of people that enjoy Rob Zombies movies. When his original remake was announced I was not stoked, I couldn't believe it, I loved Devils Rejects, how could he fuck with one of my favorite movies of all times, didn't he have something better to do? I'm sure he did, or could of, I gave in and watched it and while I thought it was heavily flawed, i couldn't help but enjoy myself. I love his characters. Yes they are white trash and generally irritating but the dialogue is entertaining and interesting, and this guy can make a movie look fucking awesome. Last year it was announced that he would return to Haddonfeild, I couldn't believe it. He had to have something better to do, What about Tyrannosaurus Rex? or Werewolf woman of the SS? Well I got over it, this like the first one is not a perfect movie, but god damn did he give us something new. This is nothing like any other Halloween, it is fucking brooooootal, every person in this is stabbed more times that mini Sharon Tate, and he doesn't pull away, this movie is also very surreal at moments with young Michael Myers and his mom showing up with the white horse from Twin peaks, i don't know I cant explain it, but i seriously loved this movie. I was entertained and disgusted from start to finish. Keep your eyes out for a few cameos of course, its not as many as usual but still, we got Weird Fucking Al, and you get Margot Kidder playing a psychiatrist which might be the most bassakwards casting ever, you might as well put Allister Crowley as Jesus Fucking Christ.

3.5/5
Eric

Last House on the Left (2009) - Dennis Liadis

As most who have had the challenge of having to go into the recent wave of unnecessary remakes just to update them, I have been trying to leave all prejudices aside. This was slightly different, as the original is a film that is unmatched in its portrait of the pure brutality that can manifest in man. I found that this Krug (Garret Dillahunt) was not only devoid of the sociopathic frenziedness that the 1972 counterpart (David Hess) had, but almost seemed sane. All that aside, I was surprised at how well all else rested with me. The Collinwoods (Monica Potter and Tony Goldwyn) were well acted in they're frantic attempt to save? daughter Mari (Sarah Paxton) and if it weren't for not getting the two x's over her eyes, I would probably have given this a higher score on the chart. A standout scene with Francis (Aaron Paul), a garbage disposal and a clawhammer left me smiling but unless Hollywood gets some original material soon it looks like we'll have to look towards the foreign and indies for any real treats.
-B. Chainsawdomy