31 days of Horror Nerd Indoctrination- Day Thirty One: Halloween

 

     This is what it all ends and begins with. Halloween. The holiest of holidays.  You keep believing in your invisible man in the sky and  I will have fun, carve some pumpkins, watch horror films and listen to the crypt jam. When I think back to what has turned me into the monster horror nerd I am it has to be Halloween.
It comes once a year but as far back as I can remember October 31st was the day I looked forward to the most. Christmas was cool as I got some shit but the idea of dressing up, watching horror films and getting a fuck ton of free candy always had me harder than a priest at Chucky Cheese.
      The thing about Halloween is I live it everyday now, just like Count Gore De Vol said, "Every Day is Halloween."  I don't give a shit if it is a summer day I will sit down and do a Friday the 13th marathon while eating Count Chocula. I listen to horror soundtracks all year, sure in the month of October it's all I listen to but Halloween has become my life. The thirty one days of horror nerd indoctrination happened because when I was a kid I realized how much I loved Halloween and by the time I was in school already had committed.

The House of Grog's pumpkins. Pumpkinpede, Christ has Failed Pumpkin, Sam and Puking pumpkin.

     Now that I have ranted about how life is Halloween I will go off a bit on things I do for Halloween as it still is my favorite holiday and October is a month that makes me happier than I could put in words. I love that it is the one month most of the world is on par with my addiction to the macabre.  I love that I can go to the store and see cereal with vampires and ghosts while I hear Monster Mash and pick up my special edition of It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown at a sale price. I can get intoxicated, carve pumpkins and listen to the theme song from Ernest Scared Stupid over and over again. I can write these articles. Sure I have written my fair share over the years but with the Countdown to Halloween it gives me a reason, its like fucking someone your in love with.  Orange Oreos. They are so much better than the white ones. I don't care if it's just a color change I can taste it mother fuckers.  Halloween party's are essential. I unfortunately have to take it easy this year as work comes early on a Tuesday but I have had my fair share of insane Halloween party's. People are more inclined to be as crazy as me when they are costumed.  The first year i was in Portland I woke up freezing in someones backyard confused and half naked. I promise you it was an awesome Halloween. This year for a pre-funk  I am told I ended up half naked doing the Thriller dance looking like the Rancor Keeper from that super overrated movie Star Wars.
      Carve a pumpkin, listen to Adams Groove, have a Trick or Treat/Trick r' Treat double feature, eat some candy, get infuxicated, tell ghost stories, read a Lovecraft book and add anything else that makes you as happy as I am right now.


Tromeric

The Simpsons: Tree House of Horror a Retrospective

 

     Being thirty one and growing up I am sure it goes without saying The Simpsons played an integral part in my growing up. Since I also was a huge horror nerd and spent more time on the playground talking about Chucky and Freddy than I did about about poontang and the Halloween special was something I looked forward to more than finally blowing a load(seriously it was like three years of dick chafe) after jerkin my gerkin. I loved all the references to Dracula and Clockwork Orange and plenty that at the time I didn't get. Seeing Bart as the raven was amazing as I was a huge Poe fan and every year there I would eat my candy and laugh my god damn ass off. This of course continued into High School and beyond. There was a few years I would say fifteen to nineteen that I didn't have TV and to be honest had grown tired of The Simpsons. Since then I have went back and watched all of them and for the most part love most. My biggest complaint would be the Mr and Mrs Smith one. Wow, who gives a shit? That movie wasn't horror and lasted about five minutes in the spot light. 

    I have been wanting to sit down and watch all of them back to back for a while now but just never found the time to do it. I knew it would be fun, I also knew it would be painful. I have learned over the years that all marathons get hard no matter how good the subject is. I am not talking double features I am talking balls to the wall marathons. I have done everything from A Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Halloween, Saw, Puppet Master, Children of the Corn, Tremors and Critters. Over at the Badnetflix Crew   I am known as captain of the endurance division. The grog does help but by the end of any of these marathons I am tired, drunk, irritable and question my sanity. That of course doesn't stop me and I will always to them as Pinhead would agree pain is pleasure.  Well the time came and I saw an opportunity so I took it. Steph Infection was here and Gabe Nye the Science guy was gonna come join in.

Do you know what the fuck that means? I don't.

I had booze, and snacks and monster cereals. It was go time.  As I watched each episode and got more affected by the grog my notes got more confusing and nonsensical, but at the same time I think they portray what I was feeling pretty well. Here is a actual episode guide if you want to see where I am coming from but I would just like to share with you my madness.       My handwriting has always been considered a form of abstract art but after two fifths even I don't understand everything. I will use a secret decoder ring I got in my box of Fruit Brute(I wish) to desipher what is happening and you may have to put yourself in my world to grasp what is going on. Are you ready for this challenge? If so here are my drunk observations on every episode of Tree House of Horror(which as I found out was not called that till episode thirteen). Enjoy?

Episode One 

Haunted house story
When a Stranger Calls reference

Poltergeist reference

Aliens Rule, kind of a Hansel and Gretel in space

Edgar Allen Poe

Bart's a Raven

Episode Two

Bride of Frankenstein Hair

Monkeys Paw

Twilight Zone

Frankenstein meets Robowar

Thing with two Heads

Episode Three

Alfred Hitchcock Presents

Alex from Clockwork Bart

Gremlins meets Trilogy of Terror

King Kong

Smithers doesn't think girls and seaman mix

Night of the Living Dead meets Return of the Living Dead meets Serpent and the Rainbow

Episode Four

Night Gallery  Opening 

The Devil and Homer Simpson= The Devil and Miss Jones

Devil Flanders

Hot Dog Jokes

Terror at five and a half feet(Wheres Shatner?)

Burns as Dracula

Lost Boys

Charlie Brown Christmas

Adams Family Simpsons song

Episode Five

Outer Limits intro

Shining like a mother fucker

Freddy/Jason/Pinhead/Frankie/Mummy

Ray Bradbury's Sound of Thunder

Episode Six

Sleepy Hollow

Attack of the 50 Foot Woman

Godzilla Roar

Nightmare on Elm Street references like a mother fucker

Episode Seven

Innerspace?

Twilight Zone of course

Earth vs The Flying Saucers

Episode Eight

Omega Man- Obviously. I am as drunk as Hasslehoff and I got that.

The Fly

Spy vs Spy

Origins of Halloween

The Crucible meets Witches of Eastwick

Episode Nine 

Freddy and Jason on couch gag

Stay Tuned?

Starship Troopers

How Stella got her Groove Back reference

Jerry Springer in his hay day

Episode Ten

I know what you did last Summer

Weekend at Bernies 

Xena

Sixties Batman

Pauly Shore and Tom Arnold

Rossie O Donnell not in S & M

Episode Eleven

Munsters Intro

Ghost Dad title

This episode was Casey Anthony's inspiration

Fairy Tales without Linea Quigley

Free Willy fucked Echo the Dolphin

Jaws reference with less bush

Deep Blue Sea but more white

Dolphins are Indians

Sea=Casinos

The Birds reference

Quote of the day "I wanna punch a dolphin so bad." - Gabe Nye the Science Guy

Episode Twelve

Psycho House

Flinstones and Shining twins costumes

Thinner without road head

Bart is like those African lady's I used to jerk off to in National Geographic

2001 reference

Harry Potter

Episode  Thirteen

Officially becomes Tree House of Horror

Multiplicity

Dr Strangelove to save the day

Apocalypse Now FTW

Island of Dr Moreau

Episode Fourteen

Charlie Brown opening

Benny Hill

Reefer Madness title

Frankenstein

Staying Alive Walk=less retarded than Spider-Man 3

Jerry Lewis

Superman vs Patty Hearst=Amazing

Fantastic reference

Episode Fifteen

Perfect Strangers intro

Dead Zone(I use to have Dead Zone powers)

Homer is Lex in Smallville

Jack the Ripper

Sherlock without dinosaurs

Fantastic Voyage

Episode Sixteen

13 Ghosts fucked The Most Dangerous Game

Edward Scissorhands reference

A.I. is a douche

Like that episode of Buffy where her mom fucks Giles

Bewitched reference

Sports jokes make as much sense to me as reality does to religious nutzos

Episode Seventeen

Tales from the mother fucking Crypt opening

The Blob without the less Dillon(who I like better)

Homers stomach is like that bitch from the new Twilight trailer

Sir Mix a Lot song upgraded

DER GOLEM

Day the Earth stood Still

Episode Eighteen

Kenny Loggins Jewish Space Creature

ET

One Flew over the Cuckoos Nest

Fuck you Mr and Mrs Smith

Ramones!!!!

Hell House-Christian Scare doc reference

Devil Flanders 2: Electric Boogaloo

Transformers reference

Episode Nineteen

Transformers

Foosball for real

Madmen

Prince is deadaroo

John Wayne in Heaven

Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown

Episode Twenty

Monster Squad sports heroes

Heath Ledger without pill popping action

Dial M for Murder

Hitchcockapalooza

Hitch Cameo

28 Days Later

McBain meets Terminator

Phantom of the Opera

Random musical bullshit

Episode Twenty One

Office intro with monsters

Satan=Awesome

Board Games come to life= Told the future IE Battleship

Titanic reference

Dead Calm is pretty sweet

Second Clockwork costume

Twilight Simpsons>Twighlight

Jock from Can't Hardly Wait is Dracula?

I wanna hang out with Count Chocula, Dracula, Grandpa Munster, Elvira, Blacula, and the Muppet Drac

Well I spent my whole day watching this and hope that someone out there can figure out what the fuck I am saying. I don't know. 

Tromeric

Halloween 2- Rob Zombie

     Rob Zombie has lost his mind.  Which is fitting as I have as well.  With the first remake he did he was criticized for many things one being that aside from the first little bit where he wasted time explaining why Michael was crazy it wasn't nearly as "different" as he had eluded to.  Well for the sequel he gave everyone a big Fuck You and just pulled a bunch of shit out of his ass.  Halloween 2 is a love it or hate it film.  It is not that "good" but is so fucking out there I can't help but enjoy it.  The brutality shown in it is impressive as well. Don't get me wrong it's no August Underground but the amount of stabbing Michael pulls off is pretty impressive.  Anyways I don't have it in me to pick it apart or give it praise I am just glad I survived my 16 hour Marathon and I definitely dont mind going out on this compared to some of the other shit I have suffered though today.  

3.5/5
Tromeric

Halloween- Rob Zombie

     So I am not going to take the time to argue that this should of never happened.  It was pointless and there is so many things Rob Zombie could of done besides waste his time remaking one the best films ever made. 
     I will say if you can ignore that and just want to be entertained this will do the trick, especially if you have spent twelve hours straight watching the downfall of the Halloween franchise. Rob Zombie definitely splits people down the middle and that's fine.  I tend to enjoy his white trash broooooootal take on things, again he should of done something else but I guess I am going with the if you can't beat em join em approach.  If you judge me try watching all the original Halloween films back to back.  I just became a mathematician and figured out a formula.
Revenge+Curse+H20+Resurrection= the rotten foreskin off of John Holmes's  Aid's ridden cock which is < horrible than Rob Zombies remake. 

3/5


Tromeric

Halloween: Resurrection- Rick Rosenthal

     After Al Gore created the internet, the producers of Halloween decided that they should probably cash in on it with Michael Myers because those two things go together like peanut butter on a labia and a dog's wet ass tongue.
      I have been watching Halloween films for 12 hours now and it is getting harder and harder to not shove bloody tampons into my eyes and tear the strings out so I cant use them to pull said tampons out even if I got the fucking horrible idea. I don't even know what I am talking about.  Busta and the cast of American Pie take on Michael Myers and some other shit happens. Who gives a God damn? I sure as hell don't.

.5/5


Tromeric

Halloween: H20- Steve Miner

     The producers of Halloween strike again.  This time instead of not having Michael Myers in it or having him be the byproduct of a cult of druids they decided they would just ignore all of those and more and just skip ahead twenty years past the end of two.  Why not?        Jaime Lee Curtis returns along with a list of 90's supertweens such as Josh Hartnett, Michele Williams and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, not to mention L.L. "I took a brake from knocking people mama said not to knock out" Cool J. 
     This is a 90's film.  It feels, looks and sounds(gross) like a 90's film.  The 90's mind you is the worst decade ever in horror.  In contrast this is far better than the last two pieces of elephant bukake in the Halloween franchise.
     My brain is fucking melting from this but after revenge and curse I welcome this shitty cash in. If you don't have anything else to do there are worse ways to kill a couple of hours, however there are much better ways as well.


2/5


Tromeric

Halloween 666:The Curse of Michael Myers- Joe Chappelle

     I remember hating this movie more than OJ hated his wife.  This morning when I woke up and decided that I was going to put myself through more torture than Bill Mosley? went through in Robert Lieberman's latest film this was the moment I dreaded.
     Druids took that girl from the last boy scout(cheap lazy reference on my part) because she got the deep dicking and made another little Myers baby.  Lucky for her even though she has to get the death Paul Rudd has Alicia Silverstone pull off the freeway and drop him off to save the devil baby.  Lots of bullshit happens and yes in case you missed it in the first five movies It is because of a cult.  I mean they couldn't of painted that any clearer obviously it was a cult.  Didn't you get all the signs in the first five.  Oh wait this is total bullshit I forgot. 

1/5


Tromeric

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers- Dominique Othenin-Girard

     OK, this is where my patience is really getting tested.  Return while not perfect was fun and felt though the filmmakers were having fun.  This is just money and it shows.  Jaime is now in a mental ward because she may be like her uncle.  She draws crazy pictures and some people die.  That is honestly about all I can take away from this.  It just ended about an hour ago and I have probably seen it 7 times or so in my life and I already don't remember shit.  If you are ever masochistic enough to do a Halloween marathon as I have, heed my warning. When you make it to number 5 make sure you are good and drunk and stay away from sharp things because it is only gonna get worse.

1.5/5


Tromeric

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers- Dwight H. Little

     The producers realized that not having Michael Myers in a Halloween movie may not of been the best idea financially speaking, so as the title hints at he has come home again.  I have very fond memories of this entry albeit not a "good" film it is a lot of fun.  I remember the first time I watched it I was over at a friends house it was like 2 AM we had the house pitch black and his grandma was passed out in here moth ball filled room.  Michael Myers raised his knife and at that moment the loudest phone you have ever heard in your life rang and scared the fucking bejesus out of me.  I clenched my sphincter as tight as possible to stop the flowing spring of fecal matter fighting to get out. Anyways aside from that there were a couple good kills and scares as well.  Now that I have shared a portion of my upcoming autobiography I will move onto the film that stands on trial.
     It is ten years since Michael Myers escaped and killed some kids and terrorized his sister that somehow he found. Dr. Loomis is still at it and Michael escapes again.  Well naturally he heads back to Haddonfield where he naturally has some more kin he found out about.  I guess Laurie dug up Ben Treymer's body pulled a kissed and made a baby, then said baby got adopted and went back to Haddonfield where she coincidentally bought the same clown costume that Michael wore when he hacked his sister to death after some weird V.C. Andrews shit went down. This is where I would make a Last Boy Scout reference, but I can't as 365horrormovie beat me to the punch.  I guess I kind of did anyway. I am such a cheater, hopefully a film crew doesn't catch me in the act and broadcast it to a bunch of woman who enjoy watching that kind of thing.  Anyways back to Halloween 4.  Loomis is back for the attack and since most of the police force was taken down he feeds a bunch of rednecks cases of Schmidt beer and they get in their four by fours and go out on a hunt.   All in all its not a masterpiece, it wears its flaws on its sleeve.  It is however a fun ride and far better than what is to follow.
     
3/5

Tromeric

Halloween 3: Season of the Witch- Tommy Lee Wallace

     When I was a kid this movie pissed me off so bad.  I brought home the VHS popped it in and as I sat there confused wondering where the fuck Michael Myers was and thought about how bad I wanted to do a flying dick punch to everyone involved.  Well as I got older I grew to appreciate this as long as I thought of it on its own.
First off I want to apologize to everyone involved for my hate and anger that I felt.  How could I hate anything that mother fucking ATKINS was involved in?  I should give myself up to scary German guy and let him eat me to death.
      Silver Shamrock makes some masks and they shoot some kinda Oregon Trail computer laserblast into peoples brains that give them typhoid.  Atkins turns from Dr to detective and seduces young grieving girls into fucking him while Andrew Packard gives some fat kid a tour as if its a chocolate factory. 
     The music in this is bad ass and the effects are fun and creepy at the same time.  The transformation scenes define the 80's perfectly and well Stonehenge and witchcraft equals badassary.

3.5/5

Tromeric

Halloween 2- Rick Rosenthal

     I have more memories with this than I may even have with the first one.  I recorded it off of USA during one of their Marathons and watched it about as much as I did my copy of Ramboner.  Anytime I hear Mr. Sandman I cant help but think of a time where some jackass decided that obviously Michel Myers had another sister he didn't OJ. Anyways onto the "review"
     Halloween 2 starts off right at the end of the first film.  Laurie is taken to the hospital and of course Michael makes his way there to cause some chaos.  This hospital is ran by possibly the most professional staff this side of Richard Pryor in Critical Condition.  When your on duty the best idea is to have a sexy romp in a hot tub with the sleazeball ambulance driver.  What is your reward?  Micheal will turn the heat up to 11 and melt your naked face off.  This scene stuck in my head from my childhood right up there with the hot rock through the body from Jason takes a boat. 
     All in all part deuce holds not a god damned candle compared to the original but for a fun continuation with some interesting  kills and  some additions to the lore(good and bad)its not a bad idea to put in your shitty VHS if your kind of bummed that the first one is over.  You can rest assured that even with all the stupid ideas at least they didn't decide Michel was who he was due to a cult, oh wait shit, I need another drink.


3.5/5

Tromeric

Halloween- John Carpenter

     I woke up this morning way earlier than necessary as I spent last night out at the strip club with old friends before watching a few late night episodes of River Monsters.  What will today bring was my question within seconds of waking up. I could go out movie and figure hunting, I could go see some films at the theater,  I could clean my house or do something else productive.  Well I decided fuck all that I will poor myself a bowl of Count Chocula, watch all ten Halloween films, and wait for my package from diabolik DVD. Anytime I do any lengthy marathon I always am so excited when I first start and by the end want to pull my hair out and choke myself with it.  I'm assuming this one will be the same but only time will tell.  Now onto the original classic that will never be touched, now I know that's what every good little boy thinks and many have been proven wrong but Halloween has made it some thirty something(not that sweet TV show) years and few films compare for me.


     Halloween has always and will always be one of my favorite horror films and one of my favorite films in general.  I have watched it so many times and it gets me every time.  The music, the pacing, the editing, just the all around feel of it and the fact that they made Cali feel like the Midwest during the fall.   I find it very difficult to review these classic films.  What can I say that hasn't been said?  If you are a horror fan you know how you feel about them.  My review is not gonna sell anyone on anything.
     With that said raise your glass in the air and salute this shit as if it were your shorts.  I am thankful to have Halloween and later on in the day will be wishing it was back on as I am suffering through the later installments that will question my sanity and may cause me to become a pissed off Trekkie that likes to kill bitches.

5/5

Tromeric



   

Top 10 Halloween Movies

So instead of a review I have a Top 10 list of Halloween movies, one would think that there would be many films that have to do Halloween or even take place on Halloween. Well its not true. As far as good films go, there is a select few, and here are the Top


10. Night of the Demons 2- Brian Trenchard-Smith



9. Idle Hands- Rodman Flender




8. Murder Party- Jeremy Saulnier


7. Lightning Bug- Robert Hall




6. Night of the Demons- Kevin S. Tenney




5. Trick or Treat- Charles Martin Smith




4. Spaced Invaders- Patrick Read Johnson



3. Ernest Scared Stupid- John Cherry




2. Trick 'r Treat- Michael Dougherty




1.Halloween- John Carpenter




There you have it, in my slightly drunken humble opinion top ten movies that involve Halloween in a major way.

Trick 'r Treat- Michael Dougherty

Its like watching your first horror movie, or going to your first haunted house, or reading your first EC Comic, or reading your first Edgar Allan Poe story. Its a feeling that can rarly be recreated but when it happens its bliss. Trick r Treat is the perfect horror film, it may not be the best but it is scary, funny, clever, mysterious, interesting, shocking, twisted and fun. This will be a Halloween tradition for everyone while not being limited to that. After watching it I feel like a preist in a daycare.


5/5

Eric

Halloween 2- Rob Zombie

I am one of the 50 percent of people that enjoy Rob Zombies movies. When his original remake was announced I was not stoked, I couldn't believe it, I loved Devils Rejects, how could he fuck with one of my favorite movies of all times, didn't he have something better to do? I'm sure he did, or could of, I gave in and watched it and while I thought it was heavily flawed, i couldn't help but enjoy myself. I love his characters. Yes they are white trash and generally irritating but the dialogue is entertaining and interesting, and this guy can make a movie look fucking awesome. Last year it was announced that he would return to Haddonfeild, I couldn't believe it. He had to have something better to do, What about Tyrannosaurus Rex? or Werewolf woman of the SS? Well I got over it, this like the first one is not a perfect movie, but god damn did he give us something new. This is nothing like any other Halloween, it is fucking brooooootal, every person in this is stabbed more times that mini Sharon Tate, and he doesn't pull away, this movie is also very surreal at moments with young Michael Myers and his mom showing up with the white horse from Twin peaks, i don't know I cant explain it, but i seriously loved this movie. I was entertained and disgusted from start to finish. Keep your eyes out for a few cameos of course, its not as many as usual but still, we got Weird Fucking Al, and you get Margot Kidder playing a psychiatrist which might be the most bassakwards casting ever, you might as well put Allister Crowley as Jesus Fucking Christ.

3.5/5
Eric