The Theatre Bizarre- Douglas Buck/Buddy Giovinazzo/David Gregory/Karim Hussain/Jeremy Kasten/Tom Savini/Richard Stanley

  Look at that list of directors. Is it possible for my dick to be any harder. I will just list some of the things that these guys are responsible for. Hardware, Dust Devil, Combat Shock, Cutting Moments, Home, Prologue, The Wizard of Gore(remake), Night of the Living Dead(remake), and my personal favorite Subconscious Cruelty. That is just his directing credit. Karim Hussain also was responsible for how beautiful Hobo with a Shotgun looked as he was DP(not donkey punch you sick bastard) on that.  Tom Savini has created effects for some of the best films made in history(Maniac, Friday the 13th, Dawn of the Dead, The Prowler, and on and on and on). Most of these guys also take on other responsibilities such as editor, writer, and cinematographer. The cast is rounded out with all kinds of faces you will recognize. Debbie Rochon, Lynn Lowery, Udo Kier, and even Tom Savini himself.  All of these much different yet all equally amazing men come together and with the help of the one I haven't mentioned yet David Gregory who from what I can tell is the backbone of this put together The Theatre Bizarre.  
     Horror anthologies are not the most common sub genre in the modern age. We saw a lot more of them in the seventies and eighties. Creepshow is probably the most recognizable of the bunch but you of course had the TV shows turned movie anthologies like Tales from the Crypt(I guess that was before the TV show), and Tales from the Dark side as well as a few hits(The Willies) and misses(Campfire Tales) along the way. Recently we received Chllerama which was fun but definitely not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. The closest thing to a perfect anthology film would be Trick r' Treat and that is arguable if it even fits in the sub genre. Well History pulled straight out my ass 101 is over lets get our asses to the theater, and don't forget to turn off your cell phone and shut your fucking mouth or I will sick one of these madman on you.
     I am not going to dissect these one by one as I want you to have as much fun watching things unfold as I did. If I spelled it out for you that would be like if the publisher of Scary Stories to tell in the dark decided to take out all the amazing artwork and replace it with more modern less exciting artwork, wait.......Sorry I can't get that off my mind. Seriously though. I am not here to ruin these so I will just give a quick overview of the film and you can judge my excitement. Things you will see in this movie. Eyeball injections, frog sex, human marionettes, crab vaginas, girls injecting themselves with unborn baby juice and so much more. Each of these entries have so much to offer and that is just the tip of the iceberg.I don't want it to sound like this is a shock film either. It has some obviously, but it also has some insanely beautiful moments. Douglas Buck's being the most notable. His story while being the least horror is the most heart wrenching. You also have everything from Lovecraftian creatures to highbrow cannibalism. 
     Seven directors, seven segments(including the wrap around) and two hours of everything the title promises you.

4/5

Tromeric
  

Popcorn- Mark Herrier/Allen Ormsby

     Early ninety's slasher film that is basically a big William Castle facial. This movie just oozes so much love cum to Castle and I love it. It is the adult Matinee which of course also was a huge homage to Castle but luckily since Matinee  is more kid friendly   it has less semen being sprayed all over its face as I wouldn't want to see Dante or Ormsby going to prison due to not checking the license.
     OK, back to as much of a point as I am capable of.  A bunch of nerds take over a theater and show some shitty movies and make everyone smell dead dog and farts and whatnot. They get a film from a guy that died after he killed some people. He is basically the love child of H.G. Lewis and Joel Reed, or maybe Donald Sutherland. People are dying. Is it him? 
      So many great lines and kills in this, not to mention references.  You have one of the sexiest woman in the world Jill Schoelen previously seen as a stepdaughter to that crippy from lost and Dee Wallace.  A lot of times this is looked down upon. I don't get it. If you wanna have a good time a few laughs check it, otherwise maybe you should just go off to bible study or something.


3.5/5

Tromeric

31 days of Horror Nerd Indoctrination- Day One: Theaters

     So I already am taking part in HALLOWEEN HORROR MOVIE MARATHON MADNESS: THE HACK & SLASH EDITION    so I figured what the fuck? One more thing is fine so I am joining in on the Cryptkeeper countdown to Halloween. I was trying to figure out what to do so I looked at some of the other lists being counted down. My brother in bad Mr. Gable is doing the 31 Baddest days of Halloween and the badass over at Son of Celluloid is doing the Horror Movie Darwin Awards. Yeah, he will be counting down a bunch of fucktards getting the shit killed out of them(or almost) and letting us know why we should laugh at their misery. I looked through many of the others as well and lots of great stuff. I automatically was jealous of Gables as I can watch me a bad movie or two but when I sat out with my cup of  joe and smoke in my hand thinking I went back to what made me the way I am, a subject I have spoken of before with my Life and Death of a Horror Nerd article I did a few months back. I feel like there is so much more I can say with this so I started listing things that had huge impacts on me growing up and still do to this day. It was not hard to come up with thirty one but I feel like I picked the ones that had the most impact and assume many people had the same things. These are in no order but all were huge an my life. Well enough history bullshit lets get to it. Day 1 brings us theaters.

     Theaters are obviously very important in growing up a horror nerd.  I have amazing memories of walking up to cinema west(the discount theater near my house as a child) and seeing double features of Pet Semetary 2 and Hellraiser 3. I also saw Candyman there and so many more.  There is a feeling of bliss that you get that can not even be explained. It is just something you feel. The sticky floor(from soda, unfortunately I am to young to of enjoyed the grind-house days where it would be sperm attaching my feet to the floor), shoving your hands in the bucket of popcorn and hoping you don't find a dick(sometimes I forget to take it out after I romanticize/trick the person with me), the taste of sour patch kids from the overpriced concession stand and the slightly uncomfortable seat that I still would rather sit in than a lazy boy. 

The seedier theater in Yakima where all the horror films ended up at

      Drive Ins were another place to have an amazing movie viewing experience. When I was dick high I would sit on top of my roof at the apartment I lived in and watch whatever random ass 80's film was playing with no sound as I didn't have the speaker box. They later switched to where you used a radio station which was amazing as I could actually hear what was happening. The funny thing is I think I enjoyed it more with no sound. There was just something so cool about being eight years old and seeing Child's Play and having no idea why that doll is killing the shit out of bitches. There is just something amazing about things not being perfect, probably the same reason watching a shitty VHS can be way cooler than a blu ray(something that you could probably take the leap on that will make it into this countdown).  Once I hit high school and got my license we would see how many people we could fit in my car(you paid by the carload) to go see the double feature. The most I ever remember was nine, which was pretty rad when you consider I had a small Subaru(not station wagon).  We even had two people riding on top of the car with their feet dangling in my sunroof. Normally they would get pissy if you tried to get to many but that time they just laughed. I think we impressed them a bit. 

     Trailers, not like the sweet one I lived in for a while but god damn prevues. To this day I make sure I am at the theater early so I don't miss them. Before I watch a DVD I look for trailers as It just doesn't feel right without them.  I remember the first time I  saw  a trailer for Freddy's Dead. I dropped a loaf in my pants. I was stoked. I immediately went and convinced my moms friend that he had to take me as I was 11 and couldn't get in without an adult. I knew my mom had no interest in seeing this so I got him and wow was I excited. Say what you will about Freddy's Dead, I think its a misunderstood film but I have already touched on that(like my moms friend touched on some little boys later so he couldn't take me to the theater anymore). What I am trying to say is that seeing Freddy in shitty ass 3D was amazing, and that our family friend went to jail for diddling little boys. 

     Today I still am constantly at the theater.  I am lucky enough to live in a city where there are more theaters than churches.  We have all the big chains and I spend a lot of time there staying caught up and then we have massive amounts of them that play classic films and you can tip back on the grog while you watch them. yeah, Deep Red with a beer in hand on the big screen in 35 mm. Sorry about your pants. We also constantly have directors and actors here promoting their films. I was lucky enough to see Evil Bong 3D when it came through. I also have seen Crispin Glover showing his films and Tommy Wiseau showing The Room as well as many others.

      There are so many different ways to watch film and all have their benefits and downfalls. I mean in the eighties you just occasionally had to deal with irritating people or Mexican babies. Now you have the downfall of mankind with cell phone abuse. I mean seriously. If you showed me two pictures, one being a baby getting curb stomped and one being a cell phone screen lit up with a Fulci film in the background and asked me which one was worse I would have a hard time deciding. Back to the point, theaters have always and will always be important to me and shaped me into the nerd that I am. 

Tromeric