Guts and Grog Tooned Up

Friday, July 22, 2011

The Uncanny- Denis Héroux

     Animals in movies are amazing. When they kill they are even cooler. When they are cute as shit cats that fuck shit up they make my shit rock hard.
      The Uncanny is kind of like if Creepshow 2 took out the first and third story and added some more. It even has somewhat of a animated opening, or at least some really bad Bob Ross like paintings of cats being awesome and having fangs. It is an anthology movie where Peter Cushing is a writer and tells a publisher some stories about cats murderizing people to death while a white cat that looks like it got a frying pan to the face listens. 
     The first story is a tale of greed. Some douche finds out his bat shit crazy cat lady aunt is gonna leave all her money to her cats instead of him. He sends in his mistress to get the will so he can get that money to buy tea or some shit.  She goes and the cats straight fuck up her day. She has to go into survival mode and make cat food sandwiches. Its gross.
     The second story is kinda like The Good Son except its a daughter. A girl has to go live with her aunt and uncle as her parents went down in a plane and didn't have a Chilean soccer team to eat so they died. She also encounters her cunt of a cousin who makes sure she knows who's in charge and its not Charles.  This of course also goes with the cat that she brought. Cousin cunt wants to play with the cat, but this is a loyal cat. When she can't play with the cat she gives into the temptation of receiving many virgins and  try's to fly a plane into her cousin. Her aunt then decides that she had to deal with dead parents so a dead cat shouldn't be a big deal so she sends it off to the local PETA, or at least I assume that's where its going. The cat shows back up and the girl get her moms old magik book out, the kind with a K none of this douche bag Chris Angel magic with a C bullshit. She shrinks her cunt cousin down to the size of a mouse(that's convenient) and you know this cat is gonna have some fun now. A battle with a giant projection screen ensues and the cat gets weird puppet hands and slaps the shit out of this bitch.
     In the third and final story Dr. Loomis watches his wife die in an accident on the set of The Pit and the Pendulum in an act that Brandon Lee would rip off twenty years later. They hire her double who is so similar to her that Loomis accidentally has sex with her a lot. You know the dead actresses adorable kitty doesn't take kindly to mariticide. Dr. Loomis also decides that he is going to flush the cats five kittens down the toilet. I guess in England they have crazy huge toilets because if I tried to flush five cats down the drain I would be seeing yesterdays bottle of tequila coming back to visit for the third time.  They then come up with as many cliche sayings about cats to use and that just pisses the cat off more till it kills the shit out of them. 
    Peter Cushing tells all these storys and leaves and the cat exploits his owner and it ends.
    If you even kind of enjoy killer animal movies this is a must have. It should sit on your shelf right next to your Night of the Lepus, Orca the Killer Whale, Squirm and Day of the Animals. 



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