American Mary- The Soska Sisters

Mary is brilliantly played by Kathrine Isabelle, she is in med school, but can't keep up on bills so she applies at a strip club. While she is there she is asked to help with an emergency surgery. She is down for the quick money, so she sets her morals aside and does what needs to be done. She gets her cash and gets out. That should be the end right? Well it would be if it wasn't for Betty Boop who shows up as she has heard about her skills. Her desire for money sends Mary down the path of back room surgeries in the body modification world.

This movie is shot beautifully, like Versace. The sound and effects are amazing. The acting overall is great, and the story keeps you hooked like a cement brick from a customer at Obscura's balls. Kathrine Isabelle owns this shit. I loved her in "Ginger Snaps" but this is her Travis Bickle.

I liked the twins previous effort, but this cements them as directors I need to watch, you know, outside of the super sexy thing. This sets them apart, as badasses who are capable of challenging the norm of horror cinema. They, along with Isabelle have created a world that is part Cronenberg, and part Frankenstein. It is uncomfortable, but I still want to spend time there.

4/5

-Tromeric

Cannibal Girls- Ivan Reitman

     This used to be one of the hardest movies in the world to find.  Now it is just a  movie that makes me hard.  Shout factory continues to be one one of the coolest company's ever with their ability to release shit I have been wanting forever.
     One of Reitman's earliest films is a lot more subtle on the humor than you would expect if you are comparing it to such classics as Ghostbusters or Evolution.  It is very dark and twisted and definitely has humor it's just not as in your face as some of his other films.
     Eugene Levy is in this and he doesn't talk about fucking a pie, he does however look like a fucking Muppet. I'm serious.  A fucking Muppet.
     The title says it all there are girls that eat people.  These girls are hot. Seriously hot. The flesh eating and bloody boobs definitely help with my erections but it is a lot of fun and surprisingly suspenseful.  I don't really have a lot to say, you can guess what kind of movie this is. If you didn't guess awesome you should probably delete my number out of your phone as I don't want to talk to you. Shout factory has outdone themselves as usual as this looks very nice considering how old and unavailable it used to be. 
     Grab a fifth put this in and enjoy boobs, blood and bee gees.  The 3 B's.

3/5

Tromeric

 And now time for Gabe Nye's take on it.

     This is a movie that I’ve wanted to watch for what seems like a lifetime. Directed by Ivan Reitman, long before he gained fame as one of the brilliant minds behind Ghostbusters. I had heard this described as a horror parody, and I was very excited to see what one of my favorite comedic directors would do with the horror movies of the 70’s. My verdict? He succeeded, but not so much as a comedy. I’d call cannibal girls a fairly legitimate horror movie. There are plenty of laughs to be had, but I’ve watched “pure horror” movies that were funnier. The comedy here is incredibly subtle, and a lot of it stemmed from the hairstyles and moustache/beard combinations on the men. Eugene Levy in particular looked so ridonkulous that I couldn’t help but laugh every time I saw him on screen. As a horror movie, it really wins though. There are some very cool scenes, a pretty decent story, and some very attractive women with even more attractive breasts. So, did this live up to my expectations? Not really, but I was expecting a hilarious send up of 70’s horror. What I got instead was a surprisingly good 70’s horror flick, and that’s not bad at all. Well worth a watch, and I’ll definitely be adding it to my collection.

3/5

Gabe Nye The Science Guy

Splice- Vincenzo Natali

So I want to review Splice, I'm gonna be honest. That's about as difficult as getting a Dendrophiliac to take his dick out of the Redwood in your front yard. Ill sum it up as much as I can without giving away to much. The Pianist and the chick from go create some Turd looking monsters that slug about, they are stoked. The crazy boss lady says lets do some bullshit instead of making a super freak, they are like fuck that we will do it anyways. They figure out that bad music is holding them down so they switch it up and come up with a workable sack of slime. They argue and joke bout not letting it come to term but they do it anyways. The Pianists brother who looks like Dawn Wiener is suspicious. Baby Mc Slime sack stings the shit out of mommy as if she was one of the extras on Tailsting. It's alive, and it looks like Corky's dick and Kangaroo Jack mated. Blah Blah Blah It learns things and goes crazy. Why am I even bothering to describe this, I cant go much further without ruining it. This movie is crazy, Its entertaining, its interesting, its kinda confusing and it will make you stand up and scream at the top of your lungs what the fuck just happened? Is this a masterpeice? I doubt it, but it is something different and interesting in a time of rehash of rehash.

3.5/5

Tromeric

The Human Centipede- Tom Six

Holy Fuck! This movie is so bad ass it will make you want to kick your grandma in her Hatchet Wound. The Surgeon is so fucking creepy and amazing. He deserves a fucking Oscar. If Sandra Bullock gets one where is the justice if he doesn't. This movie is well I cant say to much as I don't wanna ruin it. Long Story short Hitlers long lost cousin decides he is going to create the most fucked up Siamese triplets you've ever seen. Fuck Belleville these triplets is fucked. When creating a Human Centipede if you will, you gotta take in to consideration the best way to connect them. Well people tell me you shouldn't go ass to mouth, a theory I don't buy into but That's a whole different story. Well Cousin Hitler seems to share my opinion and hes like fuck it, sew em up. Now I know in theory its kinda gross. I mean its not Rocket science to figure out if the front of the pede has to release the great super villain Megaturd, where shall it end up, in pede part two's moutharoony and so on and so forth and sure that could be considered kinda gross, that's the only place I think DR Crazy went wrong. He should of went out and found a fan of the scat man. I mean just go to the shit tater store and line em up, they would be stoked. I love me some Reeses Peanut Butter Cups and if I was told I was able to have them pumped straight into my mouth as they were being made, well sign me up Mutha Fuck. Back to the point this movie is so fucking fucked up. Its like one retard riding a go cart into another retard which throws that retards mama from the train or go cart in this sitch, she lands on a baby with downs which projectile shits and hits Mother Teresa in the face, that of course makes Mother Teresa projectile vomit which hits a moving car full of Nuns, the driver of that car is so startled that he loses control of the car and crashes into Gandhi which doesn't really do anything as he just lays down and the car goes over him while he is unscratched the car ends up running into a daycare and splattering like 15 toddlers into the ground, then Bono from U2 happens to be there doing some charity bullshit and ends up slipping on the innards of the kids, he then falls into the proprietor of the daycare who falls out the window and lands on family taking their crack baby out for a walk. That's pretty much what it felt like I watched. Sure some of it is awesome and kinda fucked up but still kinda funny but you are way to intrigued to look away. This movie so so fucking good I could go on for pages comparing it to other bad ass things but I assume you get the point. If you enjoy good writing, David Cronenberg, shock Cinema, Medical Anomaly's, Freaks, or just want to see something that doesn't have Sandra Bullock or sparkly Vampires you owe to yourself to watch this badassary. You wont regret it, unless your a pussy, If this is the case I suggest you get a blow dryer and try to get all that sand out of your Vagina.

4.5/5


Eric