The House of the Devil- Ti West

Well shit. I felt like I was watching a movie in my duplex when I was 8 Years old. Captures the feel of the 80's Devil/Cult movies better than i could of imagined. Interesting Characters, great gore, and wow is Jocelin Donahue insanely sexy. Not to mention you have Dr Vadar and Frankenstein from the squad as creepy fucking Richies, at least their not poories, aah Frostbite ruled. Anyways back to House of the Devil, the build up in this is perfect. There is a lot of it but they meticulously space it out and give you something just at the point where you think nothing is going to happen. Ti West is on his his way to horror genius. House of the Devil made me wanna kick a baby in its soft spot then use the blood to summon the great Dark Lord and play lets make a deal with my soul just to get more movies put out as fucking bad ass as this.

4.5/5

Eric

The Road- John Hillcoat

I'm so Lonely.


4/5
Eric

Thankskilling- Jordan Downey

This is why we stole the Indians land and slaughtered them. So we can watch sweet movies like this. Jack Frost Raped Monsturd, then The Miner from Miner's Massacre Raped The Gingerdead Man for 9 Minutes. They all had baby's and then Bukakied all over the infants. Those Infants made a movie and it was called Thankskilling. Fuck I'm so stoked on this shit. Yeah I had help from my friend Mr. Daniels but this movie sucks the right way, I laughed so hard. Holy shit if you don't suck go buy this movie and watch it every Turkey Day. Fucking funny as fuck. FUCK...

3/5

Eric

Night of the Creeps- Fred Dekker

Holy shit I love this movie. Mother Fucking Atkins is the man. So many amazing quotes. You have everything you could fucking want. Aliens, Zombies, Naked Bitches, Atkins, Nerds, Blood, Flame Thrower, Guns, K and B from KNB, Cool cars, The 80's. Ive decided to play a drinking game next time I watch this, take a shot every time they say creeps. Holy shit I will be fucked up, its like the Wild Zero drinking game, or the Flight of the living Dead one. What can I write that hasn't been said about this masterpiece. Its close to perfect. Stop being a bitch and go buy the recently released S.E. It will be the best thing you have done since you stop pissing the bed, although if you play the drinking game you may start that habit again.

5/5

Eric

Necromentia- Pearry Reginald Teo

Clive Barker had a kid, not in a sweet Junior kind of way but in a Clive went straight and had sex with the female Allister Crowley. Parts of this are pretty bad ass, Fat pig men singing suicide songs(not the two piece, the act of) Some decent looking creatures and monsters, not to mention kills. The other side of the coin is some of it comes off ridiculous and looks like some god damn Nu Metal Video, get a few drinks, and Satan it up and you will have a bloody good time, not like in England but like a twelve year old's first visit from her Aunt.

1.5/5

Eric

A Perfect Getaway-David Twohy

What a perfect Piece of shit. This guy has made some decent Movies. Pitch Black was Surprisingly good for a Vin Diesel movie, Below was bad ass, this however is far from anything even resembling a good film. I love Milla, but even she cant save this shit Bubble. Even if she had gotten Naked(which she didn't by the way) This still hurt my brain. This has possibly the dumbest shock/twist ending since the first Saw movie. If you are going to have a shock ending please make sure the rest of the movie matches up with it. You cant just decide like hey this is shocking fuck the rest of the script, no one will notice, I'm fucking drunk and I realize it doesn't fucking make sense you stupid mother fuckers. Thank You M Night you have bread a new generation of Fucktards who thinks a shocking ending saves a shitty movie.


0/5


Eric

Basement Jack- Michael Shelton

Decent Low Budget Slasher/Killer fare. Lynn Lowery who used to be one of the hottest woman in the world, well let just say while I would of fucked her while there were weird sex slugs crawling around her, now that she is just a crazy old mom who uses her son to recreate the Struck by lightning scene from Great Outdoors I...aah fuck it I would still fuck her, I would just show everyone the publicity shots from Shivers. Anyways back to the film in question, and the question is why did I somewhat enjoy this? The effects were bad, Knife threw head was done in photo shop I think. They have Tiffany Sheppis in this as a cop, not a sexy stripper cop but a wearing way to many bulky clothes cop. That's like putting Brinke Stevens in a Nun roll, and not the sweet kind that gets her pussy eaten by her disciplined schoolgirl students. Michele Morrow is pretty much fully clothed all the time, that is a sin. Michele Morrow and Basement Jack have a Matrix style bullet time fight. Yet with all these things, i suggest watching this, man I am fucked up.


1.5/5

Eric

Paranormal Activity- Oren Peli

Lots hype surround this film, I heard about it a couple of years ago when it was on the festival Circuit. Then Paramount bought it with plans to remake it, then they did something that made me unleash the 36 chambers of my ass all over my downstairs neighbors face(flimsy floors). They said they couldn't do anything that would make it better, holy shit, I didn't realize studios had brains. Skip forward, it started off in 9 Cities, sold out every show, so they expanded, same thing happened, they expanded more, and finally went wide cuz a bunch of nerds know how to click buttons. I love the future. I knew I had to see this no matter what the outcome. Its a piece of history, i could already tell. Its becoming this Decades Blair witch. Is that a good thing? I don't know. It may have the same fate as Blair Witch. I went and saw this movie by myself with a pretty crowed auditorium. Was it scary? yes. Was it entertaining? Yes. Was it irritating being surrounded by a bunch of fat bitches eating their newest selection of bootlegged snacks? Yes. Ill stop Rambling, No Doobie Brothers here. Paranormal is everything that the hype says it is. But will it be the Second or third time? That I cant answer, yet, but I doubt it. I do highly suggest seeing it, It an experience that only comes along so often and if anything its a piece of history.

4/5

Eric

Orphan- Jaume Collet-Serra

What the fuckity fuck fuck? I saw this trailer and was like wow, a retarded goat that I wrestled Royal Rumble style directed a movie. Then I found out it was the retarded goat that made house of wax(obviously not the one with Vincent price dick cheese). To my amazement Orphan is kinda bad ass. The trailer does it no justice as it portrays it as a shitty looking Dark Castle Movie. I expected Gothika and instead got Hitchcock meets The Good son meets Don't look now meets Pacific Heights. Buddy from Garden State and Milf from Joshua decide to adopt a weird looking kid who loves vodka, at first its sweet, then she starts playing Russian roulette. Milf is not stoked, dad doesn't notice, Kids start dying, Nuns get Hammer smash faced, this bitch is crazy, deaf girl has Basket Case And Blue Velvet moments. I'm in awe, I enjoyed this movie. Who would of thought.


3.5/5

Eric

Zombieland- Ruben Fleischer

What about Bob? Amazing. One of the best intros since The Last Boy Scout. All Zombie killings should be in surrealistic Slo-Mo. Woody Harrelson Fucking Rules. "Wanna feel how hard I can Punch?" I laughed so hard I gave myself a Pink Sock, then I kept laughing and my Pink Sock kind of got some motion in it and I ended up slapping the person behind me in the face with my Pink Sock. They ended up puking, and the person next to them puked, and next to them. It was like a big Stand by me moment. Anyways back to Zombieland. Fun fucking movie, great cast, great effects, something a little different. Watch this shit yo.

3.5/5

Eric

Werewolf in a Womans Prison- Jeff Leroy

Wow, this guys rules, hes like American Werewolf in London, check, Woman's Prison Movies, check, Titties, check. Recipe for badassery. The werewolf has Christmas eye lights, and tears bitches up, awesome. Torture, throat ripping, sweat licking, Sam Raimi looking motherfucker wearing a sweet Don Johnson Jacket. Rule, Rule, Rule my Ballz, that's what this movie does.

3/5

Stan Helsing- Bo Zenga/Dead Snow-Tommy Wirkola(Guest Reviews by Gabe)

So today we have a couple of Guest Reviews from Gabe Nye the Science Guy

If you're like me you want to take a huge shit on the recent "___ movie" genre. The obnoxious attempts to parody popular movies that inspire no laughs and a lot of hate towards the filmmakers. The Scary Movie series really kicked this off, and they are some of the worst. On the other hand, I have nothing but love for the old school parody movies, Mel Brooks is a god among men, and the old Naked Gun and Airplane movies are pure genius. It seems to me that the last really good parody movie was Repossesed. Well, now we finally have another one worth watching. Is it as good as the old Brooks or Leslie Nielson movies? No, but it's a damn sight closer than anything in a long time. Hell, good ol' Leslie has a pretty hilarious role in Stan Helsing even.

As far as plot goes, take all the major slashers (Freddy, Jason, Pinhead, etc...) and make them just a little different with sort of retarded jokes built in (Freddy wears a "flava flav" clock and has a swiss army glove, "Pleatherface" has a leaf blower). Then, make a lot of immature slapstick/fart/dick jokes at the protagonists' expense, in the best way possible. It's not a "good" movie, but it's a lot of fun, and it reminded me of the ones I watched all the time as a kid, and that's what matters. Get a few drinks, keep in mind that dick and fart jokes are still super funny, no matter how old you are, and you'll have a great time.

3/5

Gabe Nye the Science Guy




Fuck, I feel like I had been waiting for this movie for practically my whole life. Nothing goes together in my mind better than Nazis and Zombies. It's the fucking reese's peanut butter cup of the horror world to me. Unfortunately for everyone, there just haven't been any truly great Nazi Zombie movies made yet. (I admit I haven't seen all of them, and there are a few that I've been told are pretty decent, so don't get pissed if there's already one you love.) This isn't the most original execution of the horror genre, a bunch of attractive young adults go hang out in a cabin on a mountain. They proceed to drink and fuck, natch, and even get a visit from a sort of creepy old guy that tells them all of the important "evil Nazis buried under the snow" information that the audience needs. Complete with a "don't awake the ancient evil" warning.

Soon enough Nazi Zombies are killing motherfuckers left and right, and getting re-killed themselves. So, pretty basic stuff there, but it still manages to impress. There are some pretty awesome kills, both for the zombies and the teens, and some pretty good use of intestines, something that I feel is severely underused in zombie movies. The gore is great, the zombies look sweet, and I had a grin on my face pretty much the whole time. Also, there's a ton of metal on the soundtrack, not all of it is great, but I think we can all agree that there needs to be more metal in horror movies.

P.S. this is a Norwegian movie, so if you're one of those people that can't deal with subtitles you might want to steer clear until you find a dubbed version. But, seriously, grow the fuck up and learn to read. I was trashed and I still managed to read all the dialog and watch all the kills, it ain't rocket science people.

4/5

Gabe Nye the Science Guy

Prom Night- Nelson McCormick

Holy shit, there is no amount of Alcohol or drugs than can save this monstrous Rhino shitstorm. The 80's one is fun, not great but fun, this has nothing. Some of the stupidest charecters ive ever seen on celluloid. There is a state of panic and alarms going off and my whole family got murdered last year, ah fuck it, im gonna go back upstairs to get my shall. What a bunch of fuck warts. Jonathan Schaech is a fucktard, the cop thinks hes in Shakespearean theater. I shit blood and smeared it all over the TV to block my eyes from this.

0/5


Eric

The Gate- Tibor Takács

Fuck Yeah, The Gate is so bad ass. Stephen Dorff in his first role, he's like not even born yet or some shit. His friendaloo is so metal, sweet Venom back patch dude. Plus hes like 12 and loves obscure European metal bands, I wanna party with this dude. The effects in this are so awesome, sweet 80's Stop motion and clay, fucking amazing, like stories. Very dark for what is supposed to be a kids horror film, i love it, FUN, FUN, FUN.

4/5

Eric

Top 10 Halloween Movies

So instead of a review I have a Top 10 list of Halloween movies, one would think that there would be many films that have to do Halloween or even take place on Halloween. Well its not true. As far as good films go, there is a select few, and here are the Top


10. Night of the Demons 2- Brian Trenchard-Smith



9. Idle Hands- Rodman Flender




8. Murder Party- Jeremy Saulnier


7. Lightning Bug- Robert Hall




6. Night of the Demons- Kevin S. Tenney




5. Trick or Treat- Charles Martin Smith




4. Spaced Invaders- Patrick Read Johnson



3. Ernest Scared Stupid- John Cherry




2. Trick 'r Treat- Michael Dougherty




1.Halloween- John Carpenter




There you have it, in my slightly drunken humble opinion top ten movies that involve Halloween in a major way.

Terror at Blood Fart Lake- Chris Seaver

A Fright Rags commercial, the worst acting you can imagine, horrible lighting, godforsaken puns, i definitely suggest getting really fucked up to watch this, i will say in a weird way if you are in that state there are some moments that you wont totally hate it, well the Ernest references are the highlight, and the eat your own fat moment. ever clear will be your best friend. I did say Ernest References right. While writing this review I think it has already grown on me like a camp counselors penis on opening weekend. If you enjoy bad movies like I do check this bitch.

2.5/5

Eric

Oneechanbara: The Movie - Yôhei Fukuda

I think Uwe Boll Made this, well its the movie he wishes he made, based on a video game, incorporates video game footage, bad acting, bad CGI, its got all the staples of a Boll film but manages to be more entertaining, not great by any means and could of used more bikini action but at least there are lots of zombies with Pancho's and mystical fireballs. Get a bottle and you will be entertained, your IQ will not grow but your penis will.

2/5

Eric

Pontypool- Bruce McDonald

What the Fuck!!!!

4/5

Eric

Bigfoot- Kevin Tenney

So the man that brought us the classic Night of the Demons stole the costume from the set of Harry and the Henderson's and made a Fox Family Movie about every ones favorite Crypto_Creature. Not a great film, I assume you guessed that. If your able to land at the the right level of drunk this is kind of entertaining.

1/5

Eric

It's Alive- Josef Rusnak

Wow, at first I was like this is not to bad, then about 5 Minutes in I was like, oh my fuck baby I shit this out the other day after I ate a bunch of Pills and ate some 5 Star Thai food. Gross. Bijou Phillips is always someone I love but even she couldn't save this turd. I love the original, but this like most remakes missed the point. A couple good kills, and it looks nice, but besides that, will be forgotten about as fast as Aids.

1/5

Eric

Offspring- Andrew van den Houten

One of my favorite Jack Ketchum novels comes the screen in a noble attempt. While not a perfect film you can see that they used every resource they could get with the budget they had. Overall the acting is pretty damn good, with a few exceptions, the children do surprisingly well, and even all the baby's do pretty good, especially playing dead and dismembered baby, well played son. Most of the crazy lighthouse keeper kin come off pretty frightening, I will admit there are a few moments where its questionable, but like I said with the small budget I am more than impressed, most of the time it was very similar to what I pictured as I was reading the Novel. All of the leads give very ballsy performances and show no fear as if they were a clever T-shirt from the 90s. The special effects are fucking great and all in all if you wanna see some sick shit that even the august underground mordum guys would be jealous of, some compelling writing, and dead baby's(and who doesn't) track this shit down.

4/5

Eric

w Delta z- Tom Shankland

So Somehow the same man that brought us this years "The Children" previously made this bloody shit vain. Like Screeching Weasel My brain hurts, at a mere 100 minutes this felt as if i was watching Fassbinder's Berlin Alexanderplatz aside from the major difference being Berlin Alexanderplatz is not a piece of shit and even at 15 and a half hours is stil easier to sit through. It seem as if he was trying to recreate the world of Silk Stalkings with a bit of Duckman, and the grittiness of NYPD Blue, again those shows are at least entertaining. This movie hurt me, for real. The screenwriter just randomly through in plot? twists. Stellan Skarsgård plays the detective as if he went to Lt Amos school of acting. I don't even know what to say, I rarely regret watching a movie, no matter how bad or painful it was but god damn it I want what was taken from me.

.5/5

Eric

Jenifer's Body- Karyn Kusama

Juno with monsters and bad Indie Rock, well the Monsters part is new. Jenifer and her friend go see a shitty indie show and they pull a great white and afterward s for some reason Jennifer thinks its a good idea to get in the van like Rollins. With all that said, I had a super fun party time watching this. Not a masterpiece, but if you enjoy fun and like attractive woman then give it a watch. Diablo Cody writes an entertaining script and overall its a worthy entry into the Horror Comedy Genre.


3/5


Eric

Trick 'r Treat- Michael Dougherty

Its like watching your first horror movie, or going to your first haunted house, or reading your first EC Comic, or reading your first Edgar Allan Poe story. Its a feeling that can rarly be recreated but when it happens its bliss. Trick r Treat is the perfect horror film, it may not be the best but it is scary, funny, clever, mysterious, interesting, shocking, twisted and fun. This will be a Halloween tradition for everyone while not being limited to that. After watching it I feel like a preist in a daycare.


5/5

Eric

Children of the Corn(2009)- Donald P. Borchers

So this time around Linda Hamilton turned black and started dating pat smear the Soul Reaper, and Peter Horton is actually a international Spy/Terrorist. Dexter's Stepson Wears a hat that he bought at the state Fair's humorous giant hat booth. The married couple this time don't like each other that much which leads to some hilarious antics, and since hes a Vietnam vet he gets to have sweet flashbacks where the guy that did the effects for laser blast puts in his two cents. Overall this is pretty bad, but I will say all the Kid deaths are awesome, surprisingly brutal, snapping a fat kids neck and impaling a four year olds jugular is pretty god damn funny, and awesome, when the kid is hit by the car, wow...rent this shit and if you enjoy seeing kids get obliterated u can look past the fact that nothing that made the original kind of frightening or interesting is here, but like I said Kids get the fuck killed out of them.

1.5/5

Eric

Spaced Invaders- Patrick Read Johnson

Holy Shit I love this movie way more than I should, I have loved this movie since I rented it on my way home from school in the fifth grade, Royal Danno plays pretty much the same character he played in killer klowns from outer space. The aliens are fucking hilarious, “or in your case a whole loaf of toast” Fucking genius. I could go on and on but if you enjoy aliens who invade the wrong planet due to the war of the worlds broadcast and make sweet jokes written for a ten year old while a crazy old man with a dog tries to save his farm from a rich asshole by proving the existence of aliens cinema like I do than I suggest tracking this down in the nearest best buy $5.99 section and sit back and laugh your balls or vah-JJ off

4/5

Eric

Postal- Uwe Boll

Never have I actually enjoyed a Uwe Boll film this much, sure usually I enjoy the awfulness and the masochist in me enjoys the torture and strength it takes to get through one all the way, similar to the rush of watching Blood Freak. Not this time, I laughed my god damn ass off, its amazing from start to finish, absurdly wonderful, the scene with Mr. Uwe Boll himself is so fucking funny I shot Schlitz malt liquor out my nose and nearly shit my draws.

3.5/5


Eric

Red Dragon- Bret Ratner

Silence of the Lambs is a masterpiece. Hannibal however was a steaming pile of donkey dick. So when I heard about Red Dragon I was excited but leery. Then I heard the man who brought us such turd’s as the rush hour movies I was even more hesitant. Low and behold I was pleasantly surprised. It went back to the original tone and not so campy, Riddley Scott should stick to movies with demi more about strippers, at least we expect for them to suck. The cast is excellent, everyone is on their game and the story its self is more interesting, I almost thought I liked it more than Silence of the lambs, but then after returning to that. I realized it would never be beat. Since then Hannibal rising has been released which ill stick right next to Hannibal, where it belongs. Straight up a lemurs recently felched ass.

4/5

Eric

Aliens in the Attic- John Schultz

From the director of the making of Jurassic Park comes the best kids alien invasion movie since Spaced Invaders. Holy shit son, I was so fucking stoked on this, or in the words of Steph, Stocked, like a grocery store. These aliens are fucking funny. Fucking buddy from wings and spideys boss are pissed and they can make sweet video game characters. Grandma from Grandmas boy can matrix fight. I laughed my balls off. Andy Richter, holy shit i love this dude, hes like do what you want, Tim meadows is like I'm a cop, get drunk and enjoy this great fucking movie, Kevin Nealon isn't stoned enough, Tiny Martianzilla fight, its like mothra vs high school the musical. Boner Jamz o9...

3.5/5


Eric

Embrace the Vampire- Anne Goursaud

Creator of Penthouse produced this, the little girl from Who's the Boss gets Cray Cray and lezbos out and shows some skin, and by skin I mean titties, so that rules. Entertaining enough to sit through, some parts of this movie work surprisingly well, some are obviously done for skinemax, which isn't bad, but...what the fuck ever, not a clasick by any means but if you get a few cold ones in ya and wanna watch some horny vamps, watch the The Living Dead Girl, and then when your done and about to fall asleep, put this in.


1.5/5

Eric

Humanoids from the Deep- Barbara Peters

Classic 80's Creature Feature. Surprisingly gory and Brutal. Gratuitous nudity and great effects thanks to Mr. Bottin. The Noids Great grandpappys come to a small fishing town to do what any self respecting creature would do, kill some dudes and rape some bitches. They need to up the population so they are here to TCB. Not a whole lot to write that hasn't been said a million times, this is a classic of the sleazy 80s and deserves a spot on every horror nerds shelf.

3.5/5

Eric

Header- Archibald Flancranstin

What is a Header? A header is a fucking genius idea thought up by a sick fuck. But I kinda wanna do it, forget conventional boring sex like missionary or just plain ol Necrophilia, with a header you get to cut a hole in a corpses head and fuck it. Make sure its a clean hole though or you may get skull fragments in your dick hole. Decent attempt at this Edward Lee adaptation, Acting is not the best but it works, kind of a Vincent Gallo style, Edward Lee and Jack Ketchum have cameos, and you wont be bored. If your not into Header's you are just closed minded. Track this down and crack open a cold one(Pun intended).


3.5/5

Eric

Things- Andrew Jordon

Wow, I made this move when I was 5 years old, just snorted a bunch of Blow, Shotgunned a fifth of tequila, and got a camera out of a cereal box. In fact I think every horror nerd made this movie at some point when they were a kid. You get your friends a shitty camcorder, and props out of your toy bin. Sounds awful, well it is, however this goes in the so bad its good category, right up there with Plan 9, Troll 2, and Blood Freak, with that said it is even more entertaining that all of those, and that's saying something as i have a huge(well huge for me) boner for those movies. Everything about this sucks so good, its like john cougar mellencamp only it doesn't suck, well actually it does, anyways. somehow this works, the stuffed animal creatures rule, the actors are straight out of the later films of Bresson with their monotone dialog, This is Art people, it is not easy to make something this bad, it takes the right people, and we found em, they live in Canada and somehow got Amber Lynn to take a break from Friday the 13th A Nude Beginning to be in it. They also got some of the creatures to take a break from Over-Sexed Rug suckers from Mars and grace the screen once again. Track this piece of shit down and wallow in its filth as if you were trying to get the Swine Flu.

3/5

Eric

Smash Cut-Lee Demarbre

The Man that brought you Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter brings the fun with this homage to Hershell Gordon Lewis. Now I know you are saying hasn't it already been brought, and correct you are but this doesn't loose its steam the way that J.C.V.H. did. I love that movie but if it wasn't for the first half hour I might not remember it so pleasantly, its like the Saving Private Ryan of Christploitation movies. Off the point, back from break. This movie is fun as a thousand Soapies, David Hess is hilarious, Micheal Berrymen is in his prime with what may be the best wig since cousin It. Sasha Grey, well what can I say? I love this girl, So hot, Hilarious and is DTF. Its nice to see Ray Sager in this, even ol Hershell graces us with his presence. Basic Plot(not that it matters) David Hess makes a child's play movie with Mr. Bill playing chucky. The Great looking crowed treats him as if he is Uwe Boll, He goes and gets a lap dance, takes the stripper with him, they get in a accident and he realizes he can use her dead body to make the effects look sweet. He then realizes he needs more body's, so he gets them, basic yes, but entertaining from start to finish, I felt the same way I did the first time I watched Gore Gore Girls, J.C.V.H. buddy balances the level of cheese and gore gags with interesting story(basic as it is), surreal acting, and fun, fun, fun. When it comes down to it that's what matters is i had a fucking blast.

3.5/5

Eric

Antichrist- Lars Von Trier

Holy Shit Lars Von Trier is a pretentious Fuck. With that said, I fucking love him. Dancer in the Dark made me cry like a little bitch that just got fingered by her uncle for the first time, the Kingdom was creepy and Amazing and Dogville had such a beautiful set design considering it was just a fucking chalk board. I have been excited about this since it was first announced. Lars Von Trier doing a horror film, granted it is not a traditional horror film but fucking Jesus some of the imagery scared the bejesus out of me. It starts off with Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg Fucking super hard while their child pulls a Eric Clapton Jr. The rest of the film is them dealing with their grief, they end up going to Eden, deep in the woods where all hell breaks loose(No pun intended). Moments of Homeward Bound, Willem Dafoe pulls one of my favorite Cannibal Corpse songs and it rhymes with I Rum Flood, This movie made me Squirm(no worms though) and that rarely happens. This might be the best movie Ive seen this year. Stop Jerkin Your Gerkin and go see it or Use the Future and on demand it.

4.5/5

Eric

House of the dead(funny version)- Uwe Boll

Oh my god, Uwe ball rulz my ballz. He sucks Jesus cock. He is the New Ed wood. He boxed some dudes like Mike Tyson, no ear eating though. This movie sucked. Video game footage is not good, but it rulz. This version made me laugh so hard i came funny cum. That's like cum with word balloons. Brian USAed secret cutted me. Gross, y0ung Louis Lane shows her ta ta's. Nice. I searched for this movie like Columbus searched for America, this movie is better than America, fiveial has helathcare. Watch this if you have a sense of humor, if not watch meet the parents. Ed or Edna, that's what i say.

Movie .5/5 This version 4/5

Eric

One-Eyed Monster- Adam Fields

The hedgehog has a big donkaroo. I met him once. He was realy smart, argued with jesus dude about poon and its evills. Amber benson rules, when i watched buffy my virginity grew back, oh well. I guess if you Make a killer dick movie u might as well use his cockadango. This movie is sweet... nuf said

2.5/5
Tromeric

Coraline- Henry Selick

Its like Tideland without the heroin vacations. I wanted to watch this in 3D but Tony is Mexican and a pussy. Great Digital animation, way better than that corpse bride bullshit. Moments reminded me of monster house. which is as good as the burbs but this is not the burbs, Louis Lane is a bitchy useless mom, dad looks like eon from ghostbusters, fake dad looks like fat eon. Take s a whole 15 Min's to get going so if you are lazy like tony then that might be to long, but i thought it ruled donkey balls. Sweet as shit after sour tarts, the soft kind.

3/5

Eric

Thirst- Chan-wook Park

Oldboy gave me a boner, not in a weird way like oh hot hes fucking his kin kind of way , but in a sweet, this is fucking badass to the core way. Vampires are not as sweet as other monsters, there are a few exceptions like Let the right one in and some of the classics like Vampyre and Nosferatu. With that said Thirst is bad ass, a priest becomes a vampire and learns how to fuck and kill, like Menacer he is bad ass. This movie is beautiful and surprisingly gory. Buddy from the host takes a break from killing giant creatures to killing people to eat some blood sandwiches. Hes hungry, like the guy from the manwhich commercials. I'm drunk, which is surprising since this a drunken website. i could go on, long story short this movie is badassery to the core of the earth.

4/5

Eric

Halloween 2- Rob Zombie

I am one of the 50 percent of people that enjoy Rob Zombies movies. When his original remake was announced I was not stoked, I couldn't believe it, I loved Devils Rejects, how could he fuck with one of my favorite movies of all times, didn't he have something better to do? I'm sure he did, or could of, I gave in and watched it and while I thought it was heavily flawed, i couldn't help but enjoy myself. I love his characters. Yes they are white trash and generally irritating but the dialogue is entertaining and interesting, and this guy can make a movie look fucking awesome. Last year it was announced that he would return to Haddonfeild, I couldn't believe it. He had to have something better to do, What about Tyrannosaurus Rex? or Werewolf woman of the SS? Well I got over it, this like the first one is not a perfect movie, but god damn did he give us something new. This is nothing like any other Halloween, it is fucking brooooootal, every person in this is stabbed more times that mini Sharon Tate, and he doesn't pull away, this movie is also very surreal at moments with young Michael Myers and his mom showing up with the white horse from Twin peaks, i don't know I cant explain it, but i seriously loved this movie. I was entertained and disgusted from start to finish. Keep your eyes out for a few cameos of course, its not as many as usual but still, we got Weird Fucking Al, and you get Margot Kidder playing a psychiatrist which might be the most bassakwards casting ever, you might as well put Allister Crowley as Jesus Fucking Christ.

3.5/5
Eric