Drive Angry 3D- Patrick Lussier

     Holy shit I just blew a huge fucking load of sperm out my dick, it was flying towards the screen in slowmo when another batch of love juice shot out going faster and zoomed in and shot the first load in half that than bukaked all over the audience.
      Drive Angry is one big orgasm, right from the start it penetrates every hole you have and gives no apologies.  Nicholas Cage is less crazy then usual but still fucking hilarious and bad ass.  Amber Heard is so fucking sexy that after I left I had to walk around like a greater than symbol the whole way home.  William Fichtner gives one of the best performances I have seen in a long fucking time.  He is so subtly condescending, arrogant and laugh out loud hilarious that I stopped thinking about Amber Heards ass, briefly but still that has to mean something.  Everyone in this is at the top of their game, sure I'm guessing Oscars wont be handed out but everyone is entertaining as shit.  All the supporting cast is great as well, Christa Campbell, David Morse, the dad from the rapey eyed vampire films and of course mother fucking ATKINS!!!!
      The plot is simple, Nicholas Cage is pissed because his daughter eats dick hangs out with crazy Christ freaks that are actually Satan loving hippies and gets herself killed.  He comes back from "prison" to make jokes, fuck, fight, shoot in slowmo and drive like James Taylor.  Along the way he has to deal with old enemies, cops, cult members and an accountant from hell.
     This movie does not need to be analyzed,  it doesn't matter. It is a road revenge supernatural action comedy full of nudity, gore, and car chases.  Its a popcorn movie, only its a popcorn movie where you pull your dick out, cum all over the popcorn, set it on fire and throw a baby on the semen covered bucket in hopes that the dark lord will take you on a joy ride.

Tromeric


3.5/5

The Hole- Joe Dante

     Joe Dante returns with a movie I can get behind, No reach around though.  
     The Hole plays out like a 90 minute episode of Eerie Indiana  which is OK in my book as Eerie Indiana was bad ass to the core of the earth, by the core I mean where the hole leads not that shitty movie with Harvey Dent. 

      This may not work for everyone but for anyone that grew up watching Dante's work or Goosebumps, or any of the great dark kids horror this is right up your ass uh alley uh hole? 

     It is a roller coaster ride where your childhood friend doesn't fall to their death.  It's fun, its creepy with little girls and Jester on a  roid rage crawling into hole's as if they were in  a Jan Svankmajer film. It is entertaining and funny and Dante fell into a goldmine using "hole" as the title, the most insane amount of innuendos. I wanna play a drinking game, take a shot every time a minor talks about having fun inside another minors hole. 
     The story here is not important. Don't get me wrong it works and actually most things in this film work. The acting, the effects, the story it all works, but who gives a good god damn.  This movie is a throwback to your childhood without all the touching in the places your swimsuit covered, well unless you were into that. The Hole made me feel like a kid again, sure I had more tequila while I was watching it, but a kid nonetheless.

3.5/5

Tromeric

   

Coraline- Henry Selick

Its like Tideland without the heroin vacations. I wanted to watch this in 3D but Tony is Mexican and a pussy. Great Digital animation, way better than that corpse bride bullshit. Moments reminded me of monster house. which is as good as the burbs but this is not the burbs, Louis Lane is a bitchy useless mom, dad looks like eon from ghostbusters, fake dad looks like fat eon. Take s a whole 15 Min's to get going so if you are lazy like tony then that might be to long, but i thought it ruled donkey balls. Sweet as shit after sour tarts, the soft kind.

3/5

Eric