Drive Angry 3D- Patrick Lussier

     Holy shit I just blew a huge fucking load of sperm out my dick, it was flying towards the screen in slowmo when another batch of love juice shot out going faster and zoomed in and shot the first load in half that than bukaked all over the audience.
      Drive Angry is one big orgasm, right from the start it penetrates every hole you have and gives no apologies.  Nicholas Cage is less crazy then usual but still fucking hilarious and bad ass.  Amber Heard is so fucking sexy that after I left I had to walk around like a greater than symbol the whole way home.  William Fichtner gives one of the best performances I have seen in a long fucking time.  He is so subtly condescending, arrogant and laugh out loud hilarious that I stopped thinking about Amber Heards ass, briefly but still that has to mean something.  Everyone in this is at the top of their game, sure I'm guessing Oscars wont be handed out but everyone is entertaining as shit.  All the supporting cast is great as well, Christa Campbell, David Morse, the dad from the rapey eyed vampire films and of course mother fucking ATKINS!!!!
      The plot is simple, Nicholas Cage is pissed because his daughter eats dick hangs out with crazy Christ freaks that are actually Satan loving hippies and gets herself killed.  He comes back from "prison" to make jokes, fuck, fight, shoot in slowmo and drive like James Taylor.  Along the way he has to deal with old enemies, cops, cult members and an accountant from hell.
     This movie does not need to be analyzed,  it doesn't matter. It is a road revenge supernatural action comedy full of nudity, gore, and car chases.  Its a popcorn movie, only its a popcorn movie where you pull your dick out, cum all over the popcorn, set it on fire and throw a baby on the semen covered bucket in hopes that the dark lord will take you on a joy ride.

Tromeric


3.5/5

Mega Shark versus Crocosaurus- Christopher Ray

     Oh my God Christ. The Asylum gives me another boner from hell(and I like hell).  Mother fucking Urkel  is a navy bad ass.  He teams up with the Dr from that shitty Star Trek(like that narrows it down). I am so stoked right now, its like the time I found out my pregnant girlfriend "accidentally fell" out of bed onto the conveniently placed replica of the sword of truth. 
     Urkel doesn't think that the shark is dead, some grease monkey thinks crocs are bad ass, some people die and all these people team up to take these bitches out. Like all Asylum movies you know what you are getting into, badassary. How can you not love this shit, two giant animals that keep changing sizes fuck shit up and washed up actors from previous eras make their "comebacks."I have so much to say about how awesome this is but the 12 hours of drinking is making me have the typing slurrs.  So I will leave it to you, do you see that poster. Yeah that happens. If you don't want to go out and buy this your a terrorist.  You hate our freedom. Sleep well. I will.






3.5/5

Tromeric

Moby Dick- Trey Stokes

     Oh the Asylum is one of the best things that has ever happened in our existence. Yeah tearing down the great wall was OK, but seriously a huge shark didn't eat the great wall.
     The Asylum takes on a literary classic this time.  Moby Dick is here to fuck shit up, and this time Brad Majors is around to take this mother down.
     This is a modern retelling of the classic and the Asylum pulls no punches.  Moby Dick is one scary looking mother and he is gonna get Mr. Ahab, last time he got his leg which good ol Barry reminds of about a thousand times but this time he wants the whole package. 
      This has it all, tons of action, amazing effects(you decide what this means), and acting and quotable script that will put Arnold to shame.  I could go on to explain what happens, but who gives  a shit. You know what you are getting here. The Asylum takes on Moby Dick, Barry Bostwick acts his ass off and bitches get attacked by a giant whale.  Do you need to know anymore? If you do, I will have Mr. Bostwick set Micheal J Fox on you with a meat cleaver, and you know he wont be able to hold that shit still.

3/5


Tromeric

Dear Mr. Gacy- Svetozar Ristovski

     I love Serial Killers.  I have read so many books, constantly  read serial killer calenders articles and look at all their merch with seamen leaking out of little tromeric dreaming of owning all the statues, not to mention all the movies I have spent time watching. There have been some great ones, amazing documentary's, movies like Monster and the Manson family that have blown my fucking mind, and of course all the shitty ones. I mean for Christs sake I watched a movie where fucking Kane Hodder plays Ed Gein. Really?  The thing is I still watched it and would watch it again. I guess what I am saying is I am slightly biased.  With that said, Dear Mr. Gacy is in its own fucking boat.  Its like The Asylums Titanic 2, no Leo love bullshit here just badassary. 
     Dear Mr. Gacy is very dialogue driven. It is based off the book The Last Victim by Jason Moss and is very different than the majority of the Serial Killer movies that have been released.  It is mostly carried by William Forsythe who plays Gacy in a chilling and remarkably realistic fashion. Jessie Moss is also unbelievable as Jason Moss.
     This movie will get under your skin, the letters and conversations had between Gacy and Moss will have you clenching your asshole as if you were playing the oops poops gamble. It is very tension based and is more effective than setting a horse loose in Christopher Reeves house. From start to finish you will cringe at these convo's.  They just keep happening.  You are watching these two men get underneath each others skin but in turn your skin will rip itself off and start making itself into lampshades.  I am rambleing. Gordon and Evan are working it in my bloodstream.  If you want to see some great fucking acting that is equally interesting as it is disturbing give this shit a watch.  We all have a dark side and it is important to delve into it in healthy ways such as reading and watching and studying, otherwise you may become this sick fuck who can only feel alive if your the one that everyone is reading essays on.
     Long story short.  Great acting, disturbing as fuck, interesting and important. 

3.5/5

Tromeric

It is fine. Everything is fine!- Crispin Glover/David Brothers

    It has been a while since my jackassary caused my computer to fry like Horace Pinker.  Unfortunately my computer didn't come back to life and travel as electricity through the TV.  If it had that is a sacrifice I would of been willing to take.  Anyways,  I am gonna return with a movie that I loved but am not really sure how to review. I was lucky enough to catch a screening of it with Crispin Glover in attendance doing a sideshow and Q and A.   It was a great night all around, I was like a gitty schoolgirl about to get my first deep dicking.  I knew it may have its moments of pain but overall was gonna be unforgettable and amazing. I imagine it is like the joy of finding out you are having a baby, only I wouldn't push Crispin Glover down a flight of stairs. Well now I will attempt to explain this without ruining anything.
     This is a somewhat autobiographical fantasy of its star and writer Steven C. Stewart who you may of seen as the man in the clam shell getting an H.J. from the big titted monkey in What is it?  Wright is in real life and in the film a man with severe cerebral palsy, he is in a nursing home and is pretty hard to understand, at first this is a bit off putting but as the film continues it fades away and becomes about as unimportant as a woman in china. Crispin Glover himself explained this during the Q and A that if he had put subtitles in it wouldn't be as shocking that this man could get so many ladies to fall for his charm.  The first woman he encounters is the amazing Margit Carstensen who you may recognize from many of
Rainer Werner Fassbinder's films. He then moves onto her daughter and just heads down the line, fucking and loving and killing and not always in that order.
    It is fine is surreal at times, but always beautiful, shocking, and absurd. Some may find it hard to get past the language barrier of Mr Wright but anyone willing to will be rewarded with one of the most unique and exciting viewing experiences I have had the pleasure of having. If Crispin makes it to your town I suggest making a night of it, it is like nothing you will have the pleasure of experiencing.

4.5/5


Tromeric

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale- Jalmari Helander

     Oh Christmas.  A day that is supposedly to celebrate the birth of some crazy hippie who liked to hang out with pro's and get his feet washed buy vagrants.  It also is a day that causes mass consumerism and makes people stand in lines at the ass crack of dawn to save ten bucks on a season of The Jersey Shore.  While these aspects of Christmas aren't my thing, no I don't beleive that some dude in the sky fucked a virgin while she was asleep and then she gave birth to Charles Manson or whoever the fuck he was.  That story was told before by the original dungeon master.  Anyways all I am saying is Jesus was a douche and Jersey Shore is lame.  With that said, I love Christmas.  I love buying my friends fucked up posters of a Serbian Film, sex toys, drug paraphernalia, stuffed dead things and action figures of serial killers.  I also love drinking ski lifts while wrapping all these gifts while watching bad ass movies like the Silent Night Deadly Night series, Christmas Evil, or even Jingle all the way or Ernest Scared Stupid.  I love listening to A John Waters Christmas, the Tales from the Crypt Christmas album, or No Presents for Christmas by a God that does exist AKA King Diamond.   Well kids it looks like there is another movie to add to that list. Rare Exports is destined to sit on your shelf with Santas Slay, Gremlins and all the previous mentioned classics.  
     Rare Exports starts off with Oskar from Let the Right One In and Tim from Near Dark, or at least their long lost cousins spying on the evil Americans who may of just found what they were looking for.  Santa.  This Santa is pissed.  The head honcho gives a list of new safety rules that look like it was made up by Col. Phelps for Barney and Jake to follow.  We now jump ahead where all the local hunters are ready to catch them some reindeer. I assume to send to Helper Elmes so Ernest can save Christmas but we will save that for the sequel. There is a problem so they head up to the site to ask some hard questions but shockingly there is no one there so they go eat some ginger bread and wear sweet clothes.  Cousin Oskar goes out to take a piss and sees the bait is gone that dangled over dads bad ass wolf trap.  Dad goes to see whats in the whole? Whats in the whole?  It's obviously Santa Claus and like I said earlier hes pissed.  Now the movie really gets going and I dont want to ruin anything else so I will just say Cousin Oskar becomes John McClain and him and all the dads cause some havoc without naked Anne Hathaway.
       Rare Exports is a hard one to explain.  It is in a world of its own, it is kind of a ridiculous subject matter to attack yet it is played as straight as David Carradines dick when he got food caught in his throat. It is nonstop fun, well acted and  like nothing you have ever seen before.  The filmmakers threw reality to the hounds and opted for a film that just makes you feel good.  Its like Hoosiers but with gutted reindeer, hundreds of naked old men flopping about and ear biting.

4/5

Tromeric

Hanger- Ryan Nicholson

     So the man that brought us Gutterballs returns with this revenge?, shock, gore fest.
     Debbie Rochon got knocked up because the dude with Pinocchio's nose hates jimmy hats. Her pimp who is a little more hardcore than Butters, tells her to to take care of that shit. It's gross, no one wants to fuck a fat chick with a baby up there. What he doesn't understand is there are plenty of people that love that shit. She doesn't do it because she loves this thing she has never met.  Her pimp gives her the pimp hand for disobeying. If she would of just listened this whole thing could of been avoided. Doesn't she know we are in America?  Abortion is one of the most underused things that that Lee Greenwood dude wrote a song to protect.  Not to be insensitive but I am OK that she died.  Every time a hooker doesn't get her bastard child aborted Osama Bin Laden wins. Freedom isn't free people.  Anyways since pimp buddy is pissed he decides to take matters into his own hands. He punches that bitch and shoves  a coat hanger right up her snatchadoodle in full on close up mode in what one would call one of the highlights of the film. She is a pussy and can't handle a wee little coat hanger and dies but the baby survives and some homeless dude that was still around from the Street Trash set finds it and raises it.
     We now jump ahead 18 years where we meet back up with botched abortion who meets up with his dad.  His dad gets him a job picking up trash with hybrids of the cast of What is it and Tank Girl.  The boss is a super hot fake titted secretary looking lady who likes to light candles get naked and bang herself with a Hello Kitty pen while laying on top of her desk where her transient employees can just walk up and check  out the show.  Lots of crazy shit happens.  Tampon teabag, Santa fucks an Asian sped in the ass till he shits, a pro slimes her finger and gives daddy a snatch stash and so much more.
        Nicholson loves horror and it shows. He likes to shock, offend and surprise.  This movie is no exception.  It is far from perfect, for a revenge tale there is little to no revenge.  It changes nothing for the genre. The acting could be better, the story dissipates into shock and strays away from plenty of places it could of and probably should of went.  With all that said there is plenty of good here as well, just look above to find out.  Hanger is a mildly fun watch that anyone who wants to be disgusted or mildly entertained for 90 minutes should give a chance. If your looking for something to add to your best lists I would say skip this.  With all of the shocking subject matter and disgusting effects this ends up being rather forgettable and repetitive by the end.  Long story short. You will be grossed out, its fun to have a beer and show your friends, the next morning you will forget it just like that girls name who is laying next to you with a crying bloody fetus trying to run away but cant get anywhere because of the umbilical chord its attached to.


2/5

Tromeric

Enter the Void- Gasper Noe

     I have been waiting for this for a long time.  After seeing Irreversible in 2001 I couldn't wait to see what he would do next. It wasn't to long after I saw Irreversible that I started hearing talk of a new film then jump ahead a Christ age and a half and we finally get Enter the Void.  It has been playing here for two weeks and due to scheduling conflicts and other factors(Alcohol) I just finally made it out tonight, which is good as it was the last showing in town.
     I'll set a mood for you of how my evening panned out which definitely added to the experience. I woke up this morning and it was so fucking cold my balls had retracted into my throat.  I grabbed a blanket turned on the TV so I could catch up on my stories.  I then went out for a cigarette which did not help the cold situation at all but was a risk I was willing to take. It took me about 4 hours to finally get my body temperature back up to at least what is normal for me. I spent my day watching my stories(Ugly Americans, The Walking Dead, South Park, among many more) and then sat down to enjoy the special features on my Anti-Christ disc.  Chainsawdomy got home from slinging discs all day so we made some food and set out on our journey.  It was of course raining because that is what it does for the next nine months we were blasting Fall of Efrafa's Elil and making our epic journey.  We found parking, walked down to the theater and as luck would have it got in early and for free thanks to a good dude we ran into.  We then go into the theater and they are blasting Julee Cruise's Floating into the Night which definitely sets the mood very nicely as I assume I am about to get raped in the brain. We grab our seats and at first they seem great until a bunch of fucktards start crowding in. I got stuck next to this smelly ass mother fucker who didn't agree with the fact that my coat needed its own seat. I told him it did but got sick of the drunken gaze he gave and caved and let him sit which wasn't the best move as he smelled of butthole.  Take a shower people. It was finally time, after years of anticipation I was finally here.  I knew in the next two and a half hours my brain was gonna feel all kinds of things. Kind of like a school girl who falls in love, gets one of those do you like me yes, no or maybe notes and is having the time of her life and feels as everything is right in the world and then bam, she is raped by 74 crazy methheads. 
    Well now that I accidentally included my journal entry for the day I will move onto the movie.
Gasper Noe has set himself a place as one of the most innovative filmmakers alive. His angles and edits are so mind blowing.  Enter the Void is no different, some of the shit he pulls off here will blow your fucking mind apart. You know it right from the opening credits that basically drill it into your head in what might be the most in your face credits you have ever seen, you know right from then that Noe is not fucking around. He wants to get to it even at the risk of giving half of the audience a seizure in the process. We now are in an apartment with a brother and sister, this is totally done P.O.V.  not the P.O.V. I am used to as there are far less choking and gagging sounds. Right from the start though you are Oscar, you feel what he does, you see what he does, I think I may of gotten high with him as well I'm not sure but it kind of felt like it. William Castle would be jealous. Anyways I feel that this was a very good choice on Noe's part and definitely helps establish mood he is setting. Now for the rest of the hundred and fifty minutes we are on this journey with Oscar and can't escape if we want to.  I will stop at that as you must take this journey yourself as it is a way better ride if you don't know what is about to rip you apart.
     Enter the Void is a long and tiring ride but one that everyone should take.  It takes you on a range of emotions, it makes you sick, it makes you laugh, it makes you jump.  Is this a perfect movie? No, but damn close. Is this better than I Stand Alone or Irreversible? At this point I would say no but with more viewings I may change my mind. I doubt it but this does deserve your attention. It is a long ride, my ass hurts bad. I don't know if my ass has felt this much pain since that time at summer camp but that's what those ass donuts are for. 


That may be my longest and often quite off subject review yet.  I channeled my inner Vern. 


4.5/5


Tromeric

Razortooth- Patricia Harrington

     I love shitty giant animal movies.  I do.  I also love Unagi.   So as far as I am concerned this movie is fucking awesome.  It is shit, the eel looks like the the offspring if all of the snake monsters from Buffy mixed their semen in a big vat, cooked it on a spoon and injected it in the Freddy snake monster.  It doesn't matter though. 
    Lots of kills, some pretty god damn amazing for instance the fat hillbilly getting treated like the cast of Alive.  We all must eat a little ass from time to time.  Jackass could up the ante with this little stunt.  The acting is pretty bad and the music is mostly stolen. 
     All in all this is garbage but I fucking love it.

2.5/5

Tromeric






Whats your take Mr Nye?

     If you’re anything like me (and let’s face it, you know you want to be) you love awful, straight to dvd monster movies with terrible CGI. Movies like frankenfish, mega shark vs giant octopus, and mega piranha. This one is every bit as good as the ones I just mentioned. The giant eel that is terrorizing the swamp looks simply dreadful as far as CGI goes, but the design is spot on. There is a surprisingly high death toll, unlike most of these no-budget creature features. They must’ve splurged on some extra extras. The gore may be terrible, but it’s fun, and that’s what matters. A stereotypical redneck meets his “end” in a hilarious manner that is worth the price of admission alone. The only downside I can think of is an obviously public domain score, stolen from my favorite iPhone horror trivia game, along with a bunch of rejected songs from the Singles soundtrack. This one, like many of our reviews from tonight, is available to stream through Netflix, and you could do a lot worse. I would love to give this a five out of five, just for the fun factor, but I know too much about good movies and can’t do so in good conscience.

3/5

Gabe Nye the Science Guy

The Horror Show- James Issac

     This movie is so underrated.  It was marketed as House 3 which isn't a bad thing as I love the House movies.  It however like Halloween 3 has nothing to do with the franchise it is named after.  The thing is, it doesn't matter.  Think of it as House 3, think of it as The Horror Show a complete stand alone film, think of it as your moms mangina.  It doesn't matter this is pure 80's gold. It is so much gold you could make a back up pair of dentures for Lil Jon.
    Frank Black(not from the Pixies) has some dreams, in this dream a scary ass dude with a skullet has a cleaver that can cut threw anything, it's like the Ginsu of cleavers.  Anyways he wakes up and somehow this dude has actually drawn blood. I wonder how, oh yeah because Jim Issac has Seen Nightmare on Elm St.  Dr. Jarret now goes off to see mc skullet get the chair.  The movie now twists into Shocker as Issac also saw that craven movie. Now Ed Harley is a little freaked and starts going a little nuts. His family is concerned but they love him.   Bishop is eventually expected of murder and he has to save his family.  That is the basic synopsis.
      This movie owns as much as the white man owned Kunta Kinte.  KNB serves up some amazing effects.  The electrocution, the pregnancy, and the fucking turkey. Blood Freak would be jealous. This movie takes everything amazing about the 80's and rolls it up into a dumpling.  Now that you know about Bai Lings aborted fetus lets get back to the horror show.
     No, I mean it. Go fucking watch it.


4/5

Tromeric


Gabe Nye what do you think?  I just wanna point out that your thinking is a bit off as you state that House 3 has nothing to do with the first 3 House movies.   Your science may be tight but your math is not.  I revoke your mathlete status.

     Fantastic movie, absolutely great entertainment. Sure, it has nothing to do with the first three House movies, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a lot of fun to watch. You’ve got Lance Henriksen versus one of the crazy replicants from blade runner, some really mind blowing special effects, and a surprisingly original story. If nothing else, you need to see the turkey scene, absolutely top-notch. Not a whole lot else to say, but if you’ve held off on watching this one just because it’s a “part III” or because you couldn’t find it, you’ve got no excuse now. I’ve told you it’s awesome, and you can stream it through Netflix. Watch it now, even if you’ve never seen the first two House movies, and thank me later.

4/5

Gabe Nye the Science Guy

Hausu- Nobuhiko Obayashi

     One time I beer bonged like a gallon of mushroom tea.  I saw some shit that made no sense.  It made my body and mind feel real funny like.  Don't know why but I kinda liked it.
      One time I watched a movie where some girls go to one girls dead aunts house and hang out with a cat named after a golden girl and disappear one by one. They do kung fu and sing and fly and talk a bunch of shit that makes little sense. Don't know why but I kinda liked it.
      These two stories are both true and made me feel the same way.  Hausu is insane, every time I watch it I say what the fuck more times than the last.  I have heard this described as an episode of Scooby Doo as directed by Mario Bava.  This is the best description of Hausu and I don't even feel like coming up with anything as this sums it up perfectly.


4/5

Tromeric



Gabe Nye slap your science on us.

     I honestly don’t have a fucking clue what happened in this movie. Sure, I’ve had a few drinks, but I don’t think any amount of sobriety would give me insight into this one. It’s insane, and has something to do with a haunted house and some Japanese schoolgirls, but that’s about all I can tell you plot-wise. What I can tell you is that it is ridiculous, over the top, cartoonish, hilarious, and just plain fun to watch. Miike must be a huge fan of this flick, that’s practically the only way to explain Happiness of the Katakuris and Visitor Q. Criterion just put out an awesome edition of this, and it’s well worth shelling out the cash for it.

5/5

 Gabe Nye the Science Guy

Night of the Scarecrowp- Jeff Burr

     Not to be confused with the classic made for TV movie from the 70's this is however in its own right a classic.  I use the term classic very loosely, perhaps even as loose as that missing boy that was found in the trunk of the popes Cadillac.
     Lets see here, there is a town, and a scarecrow that kinda looks like Sam from Trick r Treat caused ruckus. This guy is a bad ass, he sews a priests lips shut. I am assuming to keep him from all the unwanted rim jobs he received as a child. Who am I to judge though?  Seriously though this movie is so fucking bad ass.  It makes me wanna rape baby: secret of the lost legend till her butt hole bleeds more than Jesus that time he had Ebola.
     Jeff Bur as I have said before is the king of sequels. This guy has made more sequels than Hitler has filled ashtrays. This is one of his few stand alone movies and it for some reason has never been given the DVD treatment. It is an unjust world we live in.  Fuckholes like Ron Howard and Stephen Spielberg get to keep making movies and movies like this stay locked in the stone ages with VHS.  
     This was watched back during the epic 50 days of horror I participated in back in 2004 and had the best review written for it by the grimace but unfortunately that was lost along with all the other reviews in the great flood of 04.  When I say flood of 04 I mean the time I woke up in my trailer in the heart of winter to water spraying me out of a frozen pipe which covered me and all my clothes among other things including the stack of notebooks with 1000's of reviews in ice cold water and left me sitting on the porch in a trailer court in my underwear with snow falling on ceders, and by ceders I mean my exposed balls. 
     I think I have lost focus, probably because I have had more spider bites than William Shattner did in Kingdom of the Spiders.  Watch this it is part awesome, part awful and all fun.


3/5


Tromeric


Gabe Nye lets do this. 

     It had been a good six years or so since the last time I watched this movie, and I had some pretty fond memories of it. Sure I was drunk when I watched it, and it was in the midst of a horror marathon that lasted for 50 days, but it really stuck out as a winner to me at the time. So, what do I think now? Well, I’m still drunk, but I’d have to say that this movie fucking rules. I really can’t believe how few people I’ve talked to have even heard of this one, let alone watched it. It’s an instant classic. Tits, cool death scenes, and motherfuckin’ Stephen Root. That’s right; Milton from office space is the town sheriff. How can you go wrong with that? Seriously though, this movie really deserves to have a big cult following. It’s tons of fun. Plus, it’s on Netflix instant streaming, so you’ve got no excuse not to catch up on this forgotten gem from a time when good horror movies were few and far between. (the 90’s, natch).

4/5

Gabe Nye the Science Guy

Cannibal Girls- Ivan Reitman

     This used to be one of the hardest movies in the world to find.  Now it is just a  movie that makes me hard.  Shout factory continues to be one one of the coolest company's ever with their ability to release shit I have been wanting forever.
     One of Reitman's earliest films is a lot more subtle on the humor than you would expect if you are comparing it to such classics as Ghostbusters or Evolution.  It is very dark and twisted and definitely has humor it's just not as in your face as some of his other films.
     Eugene Levy is in this and he doesn't talk about fucking a pie, he does however look like a fucking Muppet. I'm serious.  A fucking Muppet.
     The title says it all there are girls that eat people.  These girls are hot. Seriously hot. The flesh eating and bloody boobs definitely help with my erections but it is a lot of fun and surprisingly suspenseful.  I don't really have a lot to say, you can guess what kind of movie this is. If you didn't guess awesome you should probably delete my number out of your phone as I don't want to talk to you. Shout factory has outdone themselves as usual as this looks very nice considering how old and unavailable it used to be. 
     Grab a fifth put this in and enjoy boobs, blood and bee gees.  The 3 B's.

3/5

Tromeric

 And now time for Gabe Nye's take on it.

     This is a movie that I’ve wanted to watch for what seems like a lifetime. Directed by Ivan Reitman, long before he gained fame as one of the brilliant minds behind Ghostbusters. I had heard this described as a horror parody, and I was very excited to see what one of my favorite comedic directors would do with the horror movies of the 70’s. My verdict? He succeeded, but not so much as a comedy. I’d call cannibal girls a fairly legitimate horror movie. There are plenty of laughs to be had, but I’ve watched “pure horror” movies that were funnier. The comedy here is incredibly subtle, and a lot of it stemmed from the hairstyles and moustache/beard combinations on the men. Eugene Levy in particular looked so ridonkulous that I couldn’t help but laugh every time I saw him on screen. As a horror movie, it really wins though. There are some very cool scenes, a pretty decent story, and some very attractive women with even more attractive breasts. So, did this live up to my expectations? Not really, but I was expecting a hilarious send up of 70’s horror. What I got instead was a surprisingly good 70’s horror flick, and that’s not bad at all. Well worth a watch, and I’ll definitely be adding it to my collection.

3/5

Gabe Nye The Science Guy

Netflix- A blessing or a curse?

     I was asked to make a list of the best Netflix streaming by Cas One, seemed like a good idea but I was not sure what angle I wanted to take as there are so many movies on this god damn thing.  I talked to some people and threw the idea around and got some good ideas such as do it by category, or do a weekly column which would make sense as it does update somewhat frequently. Well as I went through the lists and lists of movies and took just the ones I loved I realized there are a fuck ton and it would take a christ age to do and as I already have many other projects I opted for a one time list with a little anecdote on why each film rules.  This list is very diverse and no one is going to agree with all of them.  I have everything from The Asylums latest forays into awesomely bad cinema all the way to What some people would so elegantly call "art fag movies."  This list is in no particular order and by next week will be outdated but for a time capsule and as a reference guide I hope all of you can find something useful from this even if it is just my ramblings.

1. Puppet Master- The one that started them all. When I think of Full Moon I think of this.  Puppets that puke leaches and are based of Klaus Kinski.  Fuck Yeah.

2. Scanners- Best head explosion ever. Probably Cronenbergs most known film, while not my favorite still a staple in its own right. 

3. City of the Living Dead-  So many maggots and brain rips.  Fulci lives. The characters in this don't.

4. The Exorcist- Split pea soup and crucifix banging. 

5. Santas Slay- Jewish wrestler as Santa killing and saying bad ass things.  Fran Drescher gets the fuck killed out of her.

6. Monster Dog-  Slow burner but still a lot of fun. Alice Cooper was in this before he found Christ and Golf.  If King Diamond ever finds God I will shove a pineapple up my ass till I am dead, dead, dead. 

7. The Girl Next Door- Brutal, intense, and based of a Jack Ketchum Book. Stand by Me with torture.

8. Eight Legged Freaks- Fun giant shitty spiders fuck shit up.

9. Nightmare on Elm Street- The birth of Freddy.  

10. An American Werewolf in London- 80's fun, one of the best werewolf transformations ever.  The werewolf doesn't give you the finger so that's good.

11. The Burrowers- Tremors meets The Wild Bunch

12. Session 9-  Caruso is a douche.  This movie is still pretty fucking creepy.

13. Suspiria- Arguably Argentos best.  The music and the colors give me a semi.

14. Wes Cravens New Nightmare-  After Freddy became a bit of a joke Craven returns to turn him on his ass.  So good.

15. Phantasm- This Sphere is pissed. One of the best movies ever made. The Tall Man makes me feel like a little girl cowering in the corner wondering if the belt is gonna make contact one more time.

16. Zombieland- Best cameo ever.  Fun spin on the zom com.

17. Bram Stokers Dracula- Gary Oldman is so bad ass.  One of the best Dracula films ever made. 

18. Candyman- Tony Todd would even scare the Wu Tang with these killer bees.

19. The Evil Dead- Really? I have to explain this to you? Is that girl being raped by a tree branch?

20. The Gravedancers- Mike Mendez is such a bad ass. Every time I drunkenly end up in the cemetery I think of this.

21. Animals- Wow, what a piece of shit.  Cinemax could of made this in the 90's. But instead it just came out. So rad.

22. Troll 2- Best worst movie. Nilbog 4ever.

23. Sometimes they come back- Made for TV Stephen King movie.  Sad and entertaining.  One of my favorites in the King world. Spawned some of the best named sequels ever. 

24. Thankskilling- I got drunk last thanksgiving and watched this.  So badly awesome. Mosturd for the holidays.

25. Severence- So much fucking fun. The Office meets Evil Dead.

26. Subspecies- Another Full Moon staple. This is the beginning of their vampire opus. Way better than that Anne Rice bullshit. 

27.Phantasm 3: Lord of the Dead- The third in one of the best series ever. Not as good as 1 but still great and important for the entire experience.

28. The Toxic Avenger- Troma is the house that Toxie built. The first superhero from New Jersey.

29. Fire in the Sky- Based off a true story this is by far the scariest film I have ever seen.  Whether you beleive in life on another planet or not this will get under skin and rip its way out.

30. 8213 Gacy House- Paranormal Activity with the ghost of Gacy done by the asylum. Nuff said.

31. Dead and Breakfast- Zombies, blood and amazing songs. I'm in like Flynn.

32. Deadgirl- One of the best movies of last year.  Must be seen. Necrophilia with a twist.

33. Christine- John Carpenter takes on Stephen King and a bad ass car with a mind of its own.

34. Killer Klowns from Outer Space- The title says it all. One of the most watched films from my childhood. The Dickies do an amazing theme song and Royal Dano is a bad ass.

35. Mega Piranha- The Asylum puts out their mockbuster of the remake for Piranha long before Piranha hits theaters.  So much fucking fun. 

36. Drive Thru- Lazy ass killer kills bitches before their triple cheeseburgers do. 

37. It's Alive- Larry Cohen make people hate baby's as much as I do.

38. Laid to Rest- Throw back to the old slasher with some of the best kills you have ever seen.

39. Aftermath- So brootal and amazing. 30 minutes no talking just a mortician and some body's. you do the math.

40. Tales from the Hood- Tales from the Crypt if it was directed by Ice-T.

41. The Burning- Cropsy is gonna give the shears. One of the best slasher body count films from the 80s. The Weinstein's got their start with this as did Jason Alexander.

42. Night of the Scarecrow- Not to be consfused with Dark night of, this is a super fun killer scarecrow film helmed by king of the sequels himself. Mr Jeff Burr.

43. Class of Nuke em High- Another troma classic. Radiation make school way cooler.

44. Phantasm:OblIVion- The final installment in the Phantasm story doesn't really tell you anything but it does rule your balls.

45. Retardead- Just read the name and sit back and enjoy.

46. Miners Massacre- From the man that brought you the best Ghoulies movie comes a massacre, by miners.

47. Shredder- Snowboarders get the slasher film treatment. 

48. Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter- One of the best titles ever. Wish he would of stayed looking like Jesus the whole film but still very enjoyable.

49. Bloodstone: Subspecies 2- Full Moon continues their vampire opus. 

50. The House of the Devil- So fucking good. Slow burn bam SATAN!!!

51. Dead and Deader- Lois and Clark with zombies. Well Clark at least. 

52. Wrestlemaniac- A lucha kills some bitches that are making a porno. OK.

53. Redneck Zombies- Shine turns people into zombies, hilarity ensues. 

54. Eraserhead- The best movie ever made. 

55. Monsturd- "It's not a just a movie, it's a movement" couldn't of said it better myself.

56. Popcorn- Like an American version of Demons. One of the many reasons I love 80s horror cinema.

57. The Pit and the Pendulum- Stuart Gordon teams up with Full Moon for his take on this classic Poe story. Lance Henriksen is amazing.

58. Mothers Day- Uncle Lloydy's brother takes on the backwoods maniacal family genre and scores. Probably with his kin but still scores.

59. My Bloody Valentine- Harry Warden wants your heart. Pick axe can do some mother fuckin damage.

60. The Church- The man that brought you Dellamorte Dellamore teams up with Argento for this above average Italian flick.

61. Bad Biology- Henenlotter's newest trek into insanity is now teamed up with many faces from the Indy Hip Hop scene.  Like bread and butter.

62. Blood Feast 2: All you can Eat- H.G. Lewis makes Blood feast 25 years later and it kicks so much ass.

63. The Prowler- The guy that bought you Friday 4 kills some bitches in some insanely brutal yet beautiful ways. One of my favorites.

64. Opera- Argento at his best before he felt asking dumb questions about Hitchcock. The peephole seen is so rad.

65. The Video Dead- One of my favorites from the 80's Zombies coming out of TV's. Yes. 

66. Puppet Master 2- Puppets are back to kill. Still love it. 

67. The Lost- Another Ketchum adaptation. Ray Pye is so amazing. He will kill anyone who moves.

68. Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger 4- After a couple of lackluster sequels Lloyd brings Toxie back to badassness. A school shooting at the school for the gifted. Genius.

69. Class of Nuke em High 2- The theme song for this is so rad.  Movie is bad ass as well.

70. Monster in the Closet- Watching this on USA up all night has stuck with me till this day. Turn off the lights and enjoy this.

71. From Beyond- Aside from Ken Foree being a bitch this is a great take on the Lovecraft tale. 

72. Demonic Toys- Full Moon is at it again with more killer toys. This time a doll shits her pants. 

73. Terror Firmer- Troma at its finest in my opinion. This has it all. 

74. The Horror Show- Although having nothing to do with it this is considered House 3. It is so good. Love this movie. Just watch it. 

75. Squirm- Killer Worms. Yup.

76. Truth or Dare- Not the Madonna one. So bad but so good. 80's sleaze with no apologies.

77. New Years Evil- Another holiday slasher. Always a sucker for these. 

78. Period Piece- Guiseppe Andrews is one sick fuck, You have to see this to beleive it. 

79. Pervert- A big happy tribute to Russ Meyer. Blood and Huge Boobs.

80. Tentacles- Killer Octopus. Nuff said. 

81. Dead Snow- Nazi zombies for the modern age. Fun fun fun.

82. The Host- Giant Creature film from Korea. 

83. Audition- The movie that made Takashi Miike part of everyone's lexicon. Ki Ki Ki!

84. Nosferatu- Klaus was amazing in the updated version but everyone must see the original. Fucking terrifying.

85. Tokyo Gore Police- Part of the new school Japanese gore film crowd. Not a masterpiece but sure is a lot of fun to watch people get covered in blood to the point where they need umbrellas. 

86. Thirst- K horrors answer to Vampires.  Aside from Let the Right One in one the best vampire films in a long time. 

87. Them- What seems like the French's original to The Strangers is an unsettling home invasion movie.

88. Them!-  Giant killer ants. 

89. Machine Girl- Another crazy goretastic Japanese film.

90. Funny Games- So fucking bleak and fucked up. The American remake is just made for lazy people who can't read. Nothing wrong with it but I'll stick with this one as I don't know the actors as well as say Naomi Watts or Michael Pitt. Prepare a bath for when this is over.

91. Let the right One In- Holy Shit such a subtle beautiful frightening masterpiece.

92. Vampyr- Classic and Haunting and a must see for any horror nerd.

93. Night of the Living Dorks- German Import part High School coming of age, part zombie party.

94. The Devils Backbone- Haunting and amazing. Guillermo is a fucking genius.

95. Tetsuo: The Iron Man- I heard this described as Eraserhead meets the Terminator. Perfect.

96. Taxidermia- Fat people and Chaos. A must see for any fan of great film making and disgusting imagery.

97. Epidemic- Lars Von Trier is insane. I love him though. 

98. Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus- The film that started The Asylums Mega series and it is everything you could hope.  So outlandish and insane and awfully amazing.

99. The Call of Cthulhu- Looks and feels like an old silent film. Perfect way to approach this Lovecraft story.

100. The Astro Zombies- Ted V. Mikels cranks out this turd and I love to roll around in its shit.

101. Spider Baby- A precursor to the backwoods inbred family films of the 70's.

102. The Gore Gore Girls- HG Lewis at his best? Did you know if you cut off both nipples one dispenses 2% while the other one is chocolate milk? Guess you have to watch this.

103. Maneater- Mr. Busey vs a Tiger.

104. Bubba Ho-Tep- Old Elvis and Black JFK take on a mummy.  You must see this. It can't be put into words.

105. Black Christmas- A perfect slasher film that is often forgotten even though it predated Halloween by like five years.

106. Tombs of the Blind Dead- Blind Zombies are scary.

107. Deranged- One of the many Ed Gein inspired horror films. 

108. Peeping Tom- So unsettling and basically ruined everyone involved. 

109. The Cabinet of Dr Calagari- German expressionist at its finest. Still holds up almost 100 years later.

110. Night of the Living Dead- I'm not even gonna bother.

111. The Omen- DAMIEN!!!

112. Last house on the Left- Wes Craven before he was pussyfied. 

113. The Fly- Another Cronenberg classic.

114. Swamp Thing- Wes Craven's comic adaptation may be flawed but still enjoyable.

115. Repo the Genetic Opera- A horror opera, people are split down the middle with this. Not the best thing ever but it is a fun ride.

116. The Burbs- Joe Dante at his best. Tom Hanks in one of his only good roles aside from Turner and Hooch.

117. Body Melt- Title says it all.

118. The Virgin Spring- See where Crave got his inspiration for Last house on the Left. Bergman makes a beautiful and haunting film even back in 1960. I don't think he made a girl piss herself granted.

119. AntiChrist- Wow.  If your strong enough watch this.

120. Mulholland Dr- Lynch is God aside from the actually existing part. 

121. The Machinist- A decent into a mans madness can be quite entertaining when its not you.

122. Inland Empire- Laura Dern is amazing and at a three hour running time this movie hooks you and doesn't let up which is quite a fete as it doesn't make a lick of sense.

123. Blue Velvet- Frank Booth makes me wet myself.

124. Trancers- Sit down and watch all of these and I will respect you more.

125. Witchfinder General- Great cast and Witchcraft. 

     Netflix has taken off and while I like to fight for a while it is here to stay.  It is a good tool for finding things you might not stumble across otherwise. I just made a list of 125 movies that rule for some reason or another in one day and that is just in the horror section and not including some great documentarys such as American Scary, Bloodsucking Cinema, or American Grindhouse.  There is also tons of great TV shows on there such as The Kingdom, Ahhh! Real Monsters or Dexter.  

     I do hope that people will not just rely on this for everything. If you are lucky enough to have a locally owned video store in your city, support it.  Continue to buy DVD's and Blu Ray's.  Continue your VHS collection or Laser disc collection.  Support websites and print magazines.  There are so many options, you have Rue Morgue, Horror Hound, Fangoria, and many many more. Buy T-shirts from Satan's Sideshow, Rotten Cotton, and Fright Rags.  Go to your local comic shop and buy some Necca figures or Sideshow masterpieces. I could go on and on.  There is enough stuff out there to keep you going for a long time.  Netflix  is not what shut down all the video stores, that was Blockbuster and Hollywood and they are now paying for their sins partially due to Netflix. So we can thank them for that.  You must embrace the future without forgetting the past.  I watched Maneater on Netflix and once I saw how bad ass the Buse is I knew I had to buy it. 

    Well I hope you at least find something interesting in this mess of a list. Just because Halloween is over doesn't mean the horror has to end. 

Tromeric

The Loved Ones- Sean Byrne

    I love Australia!  I love all the old ozploitaition movies from back in the day and in the last decade Greg Mclean reinvented it with Wolf Creek which I stand by as one of the best films of the last decade.  The Loved Ones is the newest adventure into the land down under( I said that in the Men at work voice FYI) and it will rape your face off as many times as Tori Amos has written a song about being raped.

     As I have said many times I dont wanna ruin anything so plot wise I will not go into details.  Surprise is such an important aspect of film for me and I hate to be the one to ruin said surprise.  It's like telling your girlfriend that you are gonna pull a Houdini on her.  It's not as effective.  I will give a brief synopsis which is depressed dude gets invited to prom by the Mick Taylor of high school.  He has other plans so she gets her V.C. Andrew fan of a father to help her kidnap cutter mccuts and changes his plans for the prom.  This sounds simple and basic I know, I promise you it's not. As I said, I don't wanna ruin it so that's all you get. 

     The Loved Ones is unrelenting while not being excessive. I don't wanna get into the torture porn debate, everyone has their opinion on it and that's fine.  I will say I tend to get bored with most but have been pleasantly surprised by some as well. I would not even put this into that catagory but many will and with good reason.  It does however have so much more going on. Blah Blah Blah, as I said this is in it's own world and that is what I love.  It is so well acted and directed that you forget how fucking broootal it is, then Bam, just like Mel Gibson's girlfriend you get slapped across the face.  The main kid in it starts off pretty irritating and douchy and while you would think that you would kind of enjoy watching him suffer he does such an excellent job that you sympathize with him and even with very little dialogue he sells every bit of pain, fear and strength that he is forced to deal with.  The amazingly sexy albeit bat shit crazy captor makes you understand where she is coming from.  She pulls off this with flying colors, kind of like an American flag kite that has been set on fire and is dripping red white and blue all over a crowd of unsuspecting children at the beach, and they say these colors don't run.  Tell that to little kid trying to have a nice day out with dad and goes home looking like Seal(you know you have kiss from a rose stuck in your head now). Tangent aside What I am saying is these leads could make you beleive anything.  They must of been witnesses in the OJ case.  It's not just the leads, everyone here is so god damn good.  It has been a long time since I have seen a group of people all pull off such strong performances.  The crew were equally as competent with everything from the writing, sound, lighting and editing all being perfectly used as if it were a surgical process.  Now we come to Sean Byrne who obviously had much to do with this.  I don't usually go into the technical side of movies(I wanted to say film but knew I would get an angry comment from Cas One) but along with this being incredibly fresh(yeah I watched Juice and New Jack City), exciting and entertaining the production is just as important as I don't feel that it would of worked as well if James Nguyen had movied(see what I did there?) it. 

     I obviously enjoyed this and hope that I am not guilty of over hyping.  I feel confident that if you want something that will excite, confuse, anger, appall and straight up donkey punch you, you will not be let down with this.  In the day where remakes are remade and then given sequels it is refreshing to have something where the love and passion and originality  are so evident that it might as well be carved into your forehead. 

4.5/5

Tromeric