Silents to talkies, brutal to bad and ass to mouth. A place where grammar and spell check can be found at the bottom of the bottle. Glasses and horns in the air!!!!
It seems like every year it gets harder to find music that genuinely gets me. There is always great stuff, but not to the extent and volume of years past. This year is no different. I bought thirty albums or so. That seems so minute, when I know there has been years where I was in the hundreds. Well, I took those thirty, narrowed it down to twenty(twenty one I guess with the tie) and put that shit in order. Now that I explained how a list works, since I know it is basically rocket science, lets get to it.
20. 3 Inches of Blood- Long Live Heavy Metal/Municipal Waste- The Fatal Feast(Tie)
The first independent full length, as well as the first two Roadrunner releases blew my mind. The line up has pretty much completely changed, and I was not a fan of "Here Waits Thy Doom." I wouldn't of even given this a chance if it hadn't been for having a friend in the first video from the album. I watched the video and was surprised that I enjoyed it. Turns out, it is a pretty goddamn fun ride. Not perfect by any means, but fun regardless.
What can I say about Municipal Waste? Well, you get what you pay for, and expect. I bought this and wanted a thrash anthem album. I got it.
19. Ke$ha- Warrior
I always need at least one ridiculous pop singer to be obsessed with that I have no reason to be obsessed with. Ke$ha has taken that role. She sings about cannibals, hard fucking, drinking, eating beards, and being a whore. Thing I can get behind. Basically I need it for grog party where I have consumed too much grog and need some dance inspiration so I can pretend to pole dance and instead ram my face into the cement ground.
18. Ash Borer- Cold of Ages
Hit a pipe, lay down, and let Ash Borer fill your head with atmospheric, doomy, black metal. It works for me.
17. Drudkh- Eternal Turn of the Wheel
Another great one to just turn up loud and enjoy. This came out when I still had my car, and I would just turn it up to eleven and drive around and get lost in my head.
16. Die Antwoord- Ten$ion
A nice follow up. The beats hit harder than Chris Brown. Yo-Landi is so cute and they ruled on Letterman.
15. El-P - Cancer for Cure
The only Hip-Hop record to make the list this year. Next year will be different. Not quite as impressive as "I'll Sleep When You're Dead," but still a great album. Like I said, the only Hip-Hop record that blew me away this year.
14. The Gaslight Anthem- Handwritten
Their name does not lie. This is an album full of anthems. Some of my favorite drinking music. Overall great album, a few duds, but it got plenty of play at the house of grog.
13. Old Man Gloom- No
A modern super group featuring members of such awesome as Isis, Zozobra, Cave In, and Converge among others. They are like a modern day Damn Yankees and shit. Can they take me high enough? You're goddamn right they can. Crushing from beginning to end.
12. Murder By Death- Bitter Drink, Bitter Moon
Definitely a step up from their last record. Another great drinking album.
11. Sigur Rós - Valtari
I can put Sigur Rós on, turn it up loud, and instantly become incredibly high and get lost inside my head, which is terrifying. The thing is, I don't have to take any drugs first. I don't thing anything will ever top "( )" for me, but this definitely attempts, and comes close.
10. Crystal Castles- III
In their third record Crystal Castles sends me on a hypnotic journey of awesome.
9. Coffins- March of Despair
Japanese doom masters put out what is probably my favorite of their records yet. The vocals are solid and pounding, and makes me wanna take a big ol' bong rip and chugga chugg. Hope they return to the states soon, as they still rank as one of my favorite shows ever.
8. Continues- S/T
Half of Babyland, a bit more polished and less saws. I saw Babyland play in a park in asscrack Washington when I was in eighth grade. There was fire and awesome. I have been a fan since. When this was brought to my attention I jumped on that shit. A great surprise for 2012.
7. Swans- The Seer
This album is basically two hours long. Two fucking hours! Insane. It may be an investment, but well worth it. Two hours of crushing, madness.
6. Burning Love- Rotten Thing to Say
Rock and roll Cursed? Hell yeah. The demo was sweet, but this full length destroys. Rock and fucking roll at its most primitive. Great drinking album.
5. Black Breath- Sentenced to Life
The second this album started I was sold. So fucking broooooootal! The thrash of Slayer, with hardcore vocals. Definitely excited to see what the third record brings.
4. Tragedy- Darker Days Ahead
First album in six years, was it worth the wait? Hell yeah! Solid crusty awesome. Definitely one of my most listened to albums of the year.
3. Hell- III
Two songs, forty minutes. It is crushing, heavy, epic, and it devastates me where my soul is suppose to be. Near perfection.
2. Godspeed You! Black Emperor - 'ALLELUJAH! DON'T BEND! ASCEND!
First record in over a decade. I was not sure what to think when I first popped this in. I mean, Godspeed became a huge part of my life from the first time( I gave my first copy to the actress who played Ronette Pulaski due to her being super cute) I bought "Slow Riot For
New Zero Kanada" in Fallout Records on a whim back in 99. For months we would play Tony Hawk and listen to that record. I had enjoyed every record since. Well, they kind of disappeared then Seth Rogen made a joke about them in "Pineapple Express." I knew they reunited for a few shows, but missed the one here as it sold out quicker than a meth dealer at an ICP concert. I am happy to report this record kills. Less chamber and almost a Bollywood feel, but amazing nonetheless. Great writing music, as well as drinking, or just relaxing. 1. Witchcraft- Legend
Easily my most listened to record of the year. I was so excited waiting for this. Every song is near perfection.
Definitely a weird year for music. A lot of bands put out great records that came close to capturing what previous efforts had accomplished. A few even surpassed themselves. Last year was full of bands I loved putting out records that did nothing for me, so I am happy with the output this year. The next year already has got a couple records lined up that have me excited. I can almost guarantee that Sadistikand Nick Cave will be at the top of my list next year, but only time will tell.
Remakes. Love 'em or hate 'em they are a part of a horror nerds lexicon. I generally dismiss them, but have been pleasantly surprised in the past. This is not a pro or anti remake rant. Just some facts.
I love "Silent Night, Deadly Night." Hell, I love all five of them. When I first heard they were remaking SNDN, I was hesitant, but not necessarily against it. Over the last year I kind of forgot about it, then BAM! I realized it came out today. I am a huge fan of Xmas movies, so of course I had to get home from getting all groged up and pop this shit in.
I will start by saying, if this this is a remake, it is about as loose of a definition as Steph Infection. There is a Santa, there are homages to SNDN one and two, there is killing. That is about it.
A Santa who wears a Slipnot mask shows up in town and starts killing people. There is a deputy who is sad, a deputy who is an idiot, Malcolm McDowell reprises his role as a douche from "Halloween II," and the town is weird because of some other shit that happened. That is as much of a plot as I can muster, and about as much plot as you need. This is a slasher movie at the truest definition. Charecters you don't care about, non attractive girls pretending to be attractive and getting naked, KILL, KILL, KILL.
In the end, I don't really feel strongly one way or the other on this. I have seen worse, but it is very forgettable. It is boring visually. Way too much green and red filtering on the camera, way too much shaking of the camera. The gore was pretty awesome, and a couple of the kills were pretty creative, but that's about all I can say.
While I wouldn't hate myself for watching it again, it also will not be part of the yearly grog tradition. With movies like "Silent Night, Deadly Night" and all four sequels, "Jack Frost, Santa's Slay, Don't Open 'till Christmas, and Christmas Evil," "Silent Night" can get to the back of the bus.
Horror with training wheels came and went faster than I would last in bed with the pink power ranger. I had been wanting to do a theme week on the grog for a bit, and one drunken night kids horror hit me like the whore that I am. It just seemed perfect. I knew everyone had to have started somewhere with their horror obsession. Nostalgia is a drug all of us horror kids are addicted to more than Charlie Sheen is to tiger blood, so I figured it was a good place to start. What I assumed would be a week of a review a day featuring films like "Ernest Scared Stupid" to "The Monster Squad" turned into a week exploration into so much more. The heavy hitters I got to reminisce blew my goddamn mind. Horror with training wheels was a success that I never would of guessed. Sure there were problems. I got sicker than shit during it, Facebook decided to block me for three days in the middle for bullshit reasons, and Blogger was fucking with me hard. I know more than one of the posts were messed up. I spent days and days formatting and arranging the awesome, and sure enough when I posted them a few had completely lost the format I had seen. These were all resolved of course. I got better eventually, many of you helped share all the posts in my absence from Facebook(shout out to Brobo for keeping this shit on course). One thing I was sad about is due to all those factors is I was not able to contribute nearly as much as I wanted(granted, I didn't need to with all the awesome everyone else brought). Well I want to take this time to give a quick overview of my training wheels, as well as thank everyone one of you that read or contributed to this badassness.
I have always been the type to just jump into things. When I was a kid my dad found me a bike at the dump(yeah, he was classy) and I lived on the top of a hill in Florida. I would go to the top of the hill everyday and get on my bike and try and make it to the bottom. I spent many days in a row eating shit and going home bloodier than Carrie White's shower, where my mom would bandage me up and I would climb my dumb ass back to the top. This is how I have lived my whole life. I always have sworn by "why go swimming if you don't wanna get wet." Well that also bleeds into my horror life. I remember seeing "Friday the 13th V: A New Beginning" on TV when I was like six or seven. I saw that dude axe that fat kid in the back and it disgusted me, but I enjoyed it. Is that weird? I wasn't sure. I instantly was hooked. I would buy Fangoria when my mom would take me to Walden Books, I would check the TV guide every week for upcoming horror films, and I would stop by the video store by my house on my way home from school. I quickly was obsessed with horror and I couldn't get enough. I started reading and watching anything I could. My mom was not a horror fan at all, but she was very supportive. She would let me watch whatever I wanted. She did spend lots of time with me making sure I understood the difference between Freddy and real horror. She knew I was not a total douche, and trusted me. The school would call occasionally worried because my story I wrote, or drawing I did was too macabre. My mom always had my back. I was lucky with that. Before I was ten I had already seen some seriously fucked up films and loved them. The thing is... I still found kids horror or whatever you want to call it. Even after I rented "Faces of Death" I would see "Tales from the Cryptkeeper" and swoon. I still wanted to buy Count Chocula. I had seen all the Freddy and Jason films that were out, and I still read "Bunnicula" and "Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark" more than your average church goer pretends to read the bible. Kids horror played a huge part in my life. I just didn't happen to watch it first.
Kids horror to this day is huge in my life. I still wake up and feel the need to watch "Tales from the Cryptkeeper." I still watch "Monster Squad" on a regular basis, hell I just saw it in 35 mm last year. I still read "Bunnicula" yearly and everyday when I drive by the kennel "Howliday Inn" chuckle and assume they are huge James Howe fans. I am literally eating a bowl of Count Chocula as I type this. Kids horror is forever. I decided I was a horror nerd before I could cum and will continue to be one long after I can get it up.
In closing I would like to thank each and every person involved in this. I seriously am so overjoyed and amazed at the awesome I got for this. I have read each article submitted numerous times, and cannot believe the time and thought that every single one of you put into this. If you have not read all of the entries, please do. This shit blew my mind, and you owe it to yourself to check it all. Below are links to all of the articles. Please also check all of the sites the contributors write or work for. These are all places I am a regular reader of.
I first ran into Nathan during the "30 Day Horror Movie Challenge." We had a mutual love of Ernest, so I knew I needed to check him out. Once I started reading through Son of Celluloid, I couldn't stop. I then won his contest for actual screen used props from "Dear God No!" which had already brought us together with both of us having quotes on the DVD. His love of everything from Joe Bob to extreme cinema kept bringing me back. I recently wrote an article for his "What Halloween Means to Me" countdown along with so many other bad asses. I hope to someday walk through a horror con side by side with the son, grog in hand.
Everything I Need To Know I Learned from Mad Monster Party?
Introducing
the next generation of monster kids to the world of PG, kid friendly
fright fare purely as an entry point into the horror genre that we all
love is all well and good, but we’ve gotta remember that there are also a
lot of life lessons to be found in these films. We’ve all heard that
infuriating “what message is this sending to our kids” question thrown
at horror movies. Well, if you look at a lot of the “training wheels”
horror, they’re actually offering the little bastards some sage advise
if they’re smart enough to listen. Take one of my favorite flicks of
all time, Mad Monster Party?, for example. Rankin-Bass (the same stop
motion animation studio responsible for Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer)
released this masterpiece in 1967, not only giving us a classic
horror-comedy romp featuring an all star lineup of the greatest monsters
of film history and the voice of Boris Karloff, but dropping knowledge
in the process. There are a lot of universal truths to be gleaned from
Mad Monster Party?, and I’d like to share them with you. These are
lessons have served me well throughout my life, so let the ‘ol Son of
Celluloid give you some words to live by…
Exploding birds are funny after all.
Remember
when you were a kid and feeding Alka-seltzer to seagulls or throwing
snap-n-pops laced bread to pigeons just to watch the feathers fly was
your favorite pastime? You do too! I know I’m not the only one. I’d
be willing to bet that your parents use the same “that’s not funny” and
“people who do that grow up to be serial killers” lines on you too.
Well, Mad Monster Party? completely disproves that argument. When it
comes time to test out his matter destruction formula, Baron Boris Von
Frankenstein grabs a nearby crow, drops a little serum on his Raven
friend, and watches him explode. The Baron isn’t a serial killer. On
the contrary, he seems like a kindly old gent. He even busts out a
“Nevermore” joke, proving once and for all that not only do sane people
engage in a little avian demolition from time to time, but it IS a
laughing matter. Take that Mom!
Destruction > Creation.
Every
kid could tell you that. Building that house out of blocks is fun, but
it’s nowhere near as good as kicking that bad boy and watching the
blocks hit the other kids in the face. The Baron definitely agrees.
Building that monster, his bride, and Francesca was cool and all, but
making this formula that can destroy anything, anytime, anywhere is the
ultimate thrill! He refers to it over and over throughout the flick as
“my greatest creation/discovery.” He says that to Francesca repeatedly.
It’s like he’s taunting her. “I made you, and you’re nice and all,
but this blue stuff that can annihilate everything is WAY cooler than
you could ever hope to be.” Who cares about creating life when you can
make it cease to exist? Always remember folks; destruction is way more
fulfilling and impressive than creation.
The fuck ups get all the breaks.
File
this under sad but true. We’ve all run into this. Do you have someone
at work that is an absolute fuck-up, but they seem to always catch the
breaks? Yeah, we’ve all dealt with that one. You want to bash their
head in, but for some reason the boss always seems
to fall in
their favor. Well, Felix is a fuck-up. There’s no two ways about it.
Just watch him at work in Mr. Cronkite’s Drugstore. He gets a letter
from his Uncle inviting him to the Isle of Evil (by the way, apparently
you could mail live spiders in the 60’s) and then proceeds to knock over
three displays and flood the store while asking for a week off. Mr.
Cronkite is so pissed that he grants the vacation so . What they don’t
show is later in the day after Felix left, when his competent co-worker
showed up on his day off to pick up a couple of things after working a
double for the last three days only for Mr. Cronkite to tell him he
needs him to finish Felix’s shift. Oh, and by the way, I’m gonna need
you to go ahead and cover Felix’s shifts for the next week too. Yeah,
that would be great. Why? Because that dumbass destroyed the store, so
I gave him a vacation. Now clean up this mess that he made. It
happens every time. Might as well get used to it. Goddamn you Felix!
If you create a monster, you are the monster.
Look
at that cover. Look closely. That’s Baron Boris in the middle, and
The Monster to his immediate right. As you can see, it’s the same face.
Look at that jaw line. Look at the brow line. Look at the nose,
forehead shape, and ears. Aside from small details, they have the same
head. This begs the question, when the Baron created this monstrosity;
did he make him in his own image? Did the monster slowly morph into his
creator? Did the Baron become the spitting image of his monster over
time? Are they intrinsically linked on a cosmic level? Who is the real
monster? I think I’m gonna leave it to you to discuss the deep,
philosophical, existential implications of this one. That’s some deep
“…the abyss gazes also into you” shit right there.
Your drunken idiot friend will ALWAYS find out about the party.
We’ve
all done it. You want to throw a party, but you don’t want that one
person to show up. You know the one I’m talking about. The one that
drank up all of the booze, puked in the aquarium, started a brawl,
instigated all kinds of drama, cussed out the cops, passed out naked in
the middle of the floor, made an ass of themselves…and most likely is
responsible for that stain on the couch that no one can identify. It’s
no use. They, or in the Baron’s case “It”, will ALWAYS catch wind of
the party and show up pissed because they weren’t invited. It did his
best to ruin the last monster convention at the Baron’s place. The
baron and his staff took great pains to make sure It doesn’t hear about
the shindig this time around, but despite their best efforts, It shows
up at the Isle of Evil ready to get rowdy. Predictably, It ends up
being the death of the party. We all have that one person, and they
WILL show up, no matter what you do. Go ahead and make a contingency
plan.
Sometimes a little sexual ambiguity can be so much hotter.
The
Baron, at some point, created a voluptuous, smoky voiced redhead named
Francesca. If I say that a claymation character is hot as hell, does
that make me as weird as the hentai guys? ‘Cause, you know, she’s
pretty sexy for a…nevermind. I’m gonna stop there. Anyway, we’re left
to wonder “did they or didn’t they?” He introduces her as his
“secretary.” I saw Secretary. I think I know what’s going down in that
castle. If they
had told us flat out that they were an item, we
wouldn’t think anything of it. Since they leave it ambiguous, we get
to imagine all kinds of inappropriate subversive scenarios in a kid’s
movie. Take the scene where he tells her about Felix for example. When
the Baron says stuff like “Seeing you everyday gives me a great deal of
pleasure” in a way that could be construed as either fatherly or
lascivious, and she gives a sheepish “Why, Dr. Frankenstein;” the
exchange is positively dripping with sexual tension. If she’s just Anna
Nicole-ing it, that’s just kinda icky. If the Baron created his own
sentient sex doll who’s trapped in the castle at his beck and call,
well, that’s a fetish fuel scenario right out of one of those old men’s
adventure mags. Then again, maybe I’m just a pervert.
If it acts weird, throw drugs at it.
This
is one that the parents and doctors of the world have REALLY picked up
on. At one point, a (wo)man-eating plant has a mouthful of Francesca
with the intention of chowing down. Thinking quickly, Felix, a
pharmacist, throws a handful of pills in its mouth. Apparently they
work, because the plant mellows out and grows flowers from its tongue.
I’ll have some of whatever Audrey’s having! From Ritalin to Prozac to
Xanax, Americans (and I’d imagine people all over the world) are ready
to drop some mood altering pharmaceuticals on you at the first sign of
antisocial behavior, much less eating people. Felix was truly ahead of
his time.
If you want the girl of your dreams, bitch slap her!
We
all know that the best way to calm down a hysterical female is to slap
the ever-living shit out of her, right? Of course! Hollywood has
taught us that from the beginning. Hell, sometimes it takes a village,
right Airplane? Anyway, what you might not know is that there is a side
effect of the old five-finger sedative; the girl will fall madly in
love with you. For the entire movie, Francesca has had it in for Felix.
She’s tried multiple times to plot his death and screw him out of his
birthright as the Baron’s heir. After Felix pulls her from the moat, she
starts crying about how everything was fine before he came to the
island and yells “I HATE YOU!” repeatedly. Seeing that she is obviously
hysterical, he gives her two good slaps across that pretty face.
Francesca suddenly seductively moans “Oh Felix, you’re wonderful. I’ve
been such a fool.” She then sings him a cheesy love song and jumps his
bones. So what are we to learn from this? If an impossibly beautiful
woman hates you…and says so, haul off and coldcock her. All chicks are
kinky like that and dig the abuse, so she will instantly be head over
heels for you. That is the way it works, right?
When everything goes wrong, just blow everything up!
Your
friends have betrayed you. Your girl has fallen for another. Your
party is ruined. Everything has gone wrong. So, what do you do? No,
no no, it’s not time for Ben and Jerry’s, a razor blade, and some My
Chemical Romance. Maybe if this was Twilight, but this is Mad Monster
Party?, and it’s time for some wholesale destruction baby! It has the
Baron and everyone else clutched in his fists. Everyone that the Baron
showed such great hospitality to has spent the last day trying to kill
his nephew, and his “whatever she is” Francesca has run off with Felix.
The Baron has a little surprise for everybody though.
He’s
still got a vile vial of that destruction formula. You done messed with
the wrong mad scientist folks, cause he’s gonna vaporize himself, the
island, and all of you! That’ll show ‘em. Considering he’s the most
likable character in the movie, it seems that the lesson is that the
heroic thing to do in a situation like this is a dramatic mass
murder/suicide involving explosives. I’ll keep that in mind…
EVERYONE has a deep dark secret.
It’s
a tried and true trope in movies to have the one completely normal (and
often slightly nerdy) character in the midst of the monsters. They’re
supposed to be the audience’s identification point. In Mad Monster
Party?, that’s Felix. He’s portrayed as a bumbling everyman in a world
of vampires, werewolves, creatures, zombies, and mad scientists. Even
Francesca, the only other semi-normal character, is one of the Baron’s
creations. Felix is the only normal human, or so we think until the
film’s final moment. Yes folks, I’m about to spoil the ending, but
you’ve had 45 years to see the flick. It’s not like I’m facebooking
Walking Dead spoilers here. Get over it. So, Felix and Francesca are
alone in a boat. The island exploded, and there’s no one else around.
They’re finally safe, right? On the contrary, this is when Felix
suddenly develops a twitch, repeats the line “Nobody’s perfect…” over
and over, and starts clicking metallically. Then the camera pans away
and into the credits we go. What the hell just happened? Is he a
machine? Is he another one of the Baron’s golem creations? Is he just
bat-shit crazy? What is Felix’s dark secret? Well, it’s so dark that
Rankin-Bass won’t even explain it. You couldn’t handle that kind of
knowledge. We don’t know what the hell he is or what the hell he’s
going to do to the woman trapped in a boat in the middle of nowhere with
him. All we do know is that the normal guy is actually some kind of
deranged beastie after all, and it probably isn’t gonna end well for the
buxom redhead. The moral of the story is that we all have a monster
lurking inside of us. Even the good guys among us are really hideous
inside. In the end, the best thing to do is give that monster control
and let it all out…but not until you’ve won the damsel’s trust and
you’re alone, far away from anyone who could possibly save her…
You
see? There is a lot of good advice to be taken from Mad Monster
Party?, and the other films we’re talking about this week too for that
matter. All 10 of those are exhortations that you would do well to take
to heart. Truthfully, there is some bad lessons the unguided kid could
pick up from this story. For instance, here is a song in the flick,
sung by Boris Karloff no less, called “Stay One Step Ahead.” It’s all
about determination and hard work being the keys to success. Yeah,
right! Like that ever happens. You should probably just stick with the
truths Uncle Nathan just pointed out for you, and everything will be just
fine…maybe.
- Nathan
Nathan Hamilton is your average "slightly eccentric" horror movie
junkie. At the age of 32, he’s already been involved in “horror
business” for 20 years as a haunted house actor, ghost tour guide, and
genre blogger/critic/journalist. He currently writes the horror movie blog Son of Celluloid.
Nathan is also quite proficient with a chainsaw. You can decide for
yourself if you’d rather experience his writing or chainsaw wielding
talents. He’s happy either way.
Brobo makes me jealous on a daily basis by living in the same town "2000 Maniacs" was filmed, and by just being a bad ass.
Gremlins 2: The New Batch (1990)
Starring: Zach Galligan, Phoebe Cates, John Glover
Writer: Charlie Haas
Director: Joe Dante
Synopsis:
We pick up years after Kingston Falls was painted an ooey gooey shade of green by a bunch of mischievous little Gremlins. Billy and Kate have relocated to New York City and are employed at Clamp Enterprises; a massive state of the art building owned by big time media mogul, Daniel Clamp. This skyscraper has it all, including a genetic research lab ran by one, Dr. Catheter. After the death of Mr. Wing, Gizmo ends up at this lab and is on the verge of falling victim to some damn terrible experiments. By sheer luck, Billy finds Gizmo and rescues him just in time, only to leave the poor Mogwai unattended long enough for bad shit to happen. Gizmo gets wet and pops out a few new Mogwais. The Mogwais eat after midnight and turn into Gremlins. The Gremlins get wet and holy fuck nuts, cartoonish chaos reigns down on Clamp Enterprises!
Dear Gremlins 2,
I remember when I saw Gremlins for the very first time. My Mom had rented it the year it dropped on VHS and busted that shit out on Thanksgiving Day while I was watching the Macy's parade. I never watched said parade again (until Rick Astley popped up on a float many years later). This movie changed my life, and I've always considered it a favorite, and definitely my favorite Christmas themed film ever. There's so much charm flowing out of every aspect of Gremlins, and similar charm is a really hard thing to come by in film these days.
Anyway, fast forward to 1990, the year of Gremlins 2. Fucking stoked enough to shit my pants on purpose is a severe understatement. I thought this flick was gonna be HUGE. Here's where disappointment sneaks in. This poor sequel suffered the fate of being released the same day as Dick Tracy. This was a year after Tim Burton's Batman wowed the hell out of audiences, so naturally people were all about a new comic type film. While I originally did have interest in going to look at Dick (lol) on the big screen, there was no way in hell that I was gonna sell out on Joe Dante's little green devils and put them in second place. Fuck that. So me, my nephew, and my Mother flocked out to see Gremlins 2, opening day, first showing. We got there, bought our tickets, and the ticket booth girl even gave us Gremlin 2 T-shirts. I got one with the Brain Gremlin across the front, and I was happier than a pig in shit. Furthermore, this kind of marketing at a theater had me thinking that the movie was gonna be even bigger than I had imagined (note, I was 13 at the time, and was already following what movies of interest were banking and which ones were bombing). So, the three of us got some candy, popcorn, drinks, and headed into the theater. I think maybe there were 15 other people in there... tops. WHAT? THE? FUCK? I dunno why this bothered me (especially since when I walk into a theater now and if it's near empty I am fucking ecstatic), as it was the first showing of the day, but it did. I just didn't want something like this to fail. I got up to use the bathroom in an attempt to conceal my butthurt.
After coming out of the bathroom, I had to pass the doors where Dick Tracy was showing. There was a fucking mob of people, and a ton of them were kids my age. Really? Rubbing salt in the wound, some of these little fuckers were actually pointing at me and laughing for wearing a Gremlins 2 shirt. I remember this shit vividly because it hurt like a swift kick to the nuts. I brushed all that off my shoulders, went back and sat down in the theater, and enjoyed the hell out of myself. Gremlins 2 ruled in my eyes. I got up early the following Friday to go get the newspaper from our lawn to see how well it did. Well, Dick Tracy was in the #1 spot, but that was alright; I expected that. But I also expected Gremlins 2 to be in the second spot, at worst, but it fucking wasn't. It placed #4 and made under $10 million. I was crushed. How? Couldn't believe it. The movie sadly didn't even reach its budget theatrically. With all this being said, I decided to check out Dick Tracy to see what the big freakin' deal was. I wanted to know what was so damn awesome about it. To be truthful, I walked into the theater that weekend with the mindset of hating the film. And I did. And I never gave it another chance. That's immature and really unfair, but it is what it is. Honestly, I have a pretty good memory, and even though I was young and pissy, I don't remember a whole helluva lot to like about Dick Tracy. I remember it was colorful. Ya know what else was colorful? GREMLINS. FUCKING. 2. Colorful and a goddamn blast! Maybe one day I will give Dick another chance (lol again), but I don't expect it to ever have a place in my heart anywhere near Gremlins 2.
With all that out of the way, let me blow my love load all over the face of Joe Dante's fantastic sequel! Naturally, it doesn't have the same kind of charm and heart as the first film. I can go back to Gremlins any day, or every day, and still feel the same way I felt about it as a kid. Gremlins 2, on the other hand, I've just always thought was a real monster mash fun time. Writer Charlie Haas seemingly knew he couldn't bring the ruckus that Chris Columbus originally brought. So instead, he concocted a gigantic festival of homages to the first film and countless other classics. On top of all that, the satirical jabs at pop culture and technology are overflowing off the frames of this flick. And guess what? That IS its charm! That IS its heart! For what it is, Gremlins 2 is a pretty fucking perfect sequel.
Nods to the original:
Directly behind Daffy is none other than the Peltzer Peeler Juicer!
Kate's ridiculous Clamp hat. Haas mentions on the commentary that this is a direct nod to the embarrassing Christmas tree costume that Pete (Corey Feldman) had to wear in the original.
While the evil Gremlins enjoyed filling their bellies with beer the first time around, the evil Mogwais in Gremlins 2 get their kicks off of bloating up with frozen yogurt! I would much rather sport a beer gut.
Return of the Flasher Gremlin! Kate's not havin' that shit!
Other nods to the original:
The Splice 'o Life lab- Dr. Catheter's science lab of genetic mayhem is honestly not far removed from the science convention that Randall Peltzer attends in the first film. The talking cow is completely reminiscent of the Robby the Robot (Forbidden Planet) cameo in part 1. Originally, the cow was supposed to be crossbred with a hamster and seen running on a treadmill, but budget wouldn't allow it.
The rules- taking jabs at the 3 main rules for Mogwais is goddamn genius, if you ask me. Who hasn't wondered what would happen if a Mogwai gets a piece of food stuck in it's teeth only for it to come out after midnight? Or the whole timezone/it's always midnight somewhere line... brilliance.
Gremlin mischief- Daffy Gremlin playing with elevator wiring totally mirrors a Gremlin fucking with traffic lights. Also, all the pain Gizmo endures at the hands of Mohawk and his crew is extremely similar to Stripe and his pals playing a game of darts while Giz is tied to the dartboard.
Kate's horror story about Abe Lincoln's birthday- The first film caught a lot of flack for Kate's childhood story of her Father dying in the chimney while dressed as Santa Claus. Here, she gets interrupted just as she mentions seeing a man who looked just like Honest Abe, but dressed in a rain coat. Shit is epic.
Nods to other films:
Genetic sunblock Bat Gremlin nod to Batman.
Epic King Kong homage.
Phantom of the Opera nod.
Quatermass nod (name on wall).
Gizmo givin' some love to Rambo. This also nods to the first Gremlins, where Gizmo is influenced by the Clark Gable film, To Please a Lady.
Joe Dante Howling nod. Funny that the Howling series almost made it to part XI.
"I'm melting!" Witch Gremlin- Wizard of Oz nod.
Other nods to films/television, etc:
Joe Dante's love for Looney Tunes is shown in the film's opener and closing (as well as throughout the whole film, if I'm being honest), which features Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, and Porky Pig.
The Gremlins themselves are rough translations from jokey stories of little monsters creating aircraft failures in WWII (as mentioned by a drunk Murray Futterman in the first film). Additionally, they are inspired by Roald Dahl's book, The Gremlins, as well as from the Bugs Bunny cartoon, Falling Hare.
Monkeys in the Splice 'o Life lab are named Alvin & Theodore (Alvin & the Chipmunks)
Characters/Acting:
For the most part, human characters take the backseat for a fairly large duration of this film. It's heavily about Gizmo and the Gremlins this time around. Not to say that the peeps have nothing to do, and they are all pretty damn interesting, but they are in second place as far as I'm concerned. What I find particularly badass is that damn near all of the human personalities go through character arcs, except for maybe Bill and Kate. I'll take us through that right now!
Billy & Kate, reprised by Zach Galligan (Waxwork) and Phoebe Cates. The couple have certainly grown into that cutesy pair that I'd always imagined them being. Billy's got his hair a bit more under control this time around (hey, it's the 90s!) and Kate is at her absolute most adorable. I've always thought Phoebe was a doll anyway, but in this and Drop Dead Fred, oh la la! Performances are good, although, with Gremlins 2 being more about the monsters, these two aren't given as much to do as you'd expect. Phoebe Cates, especially. She does have some great moments, though, and her facial expressions are awesome throughout. Zach gets to shine here and there with his Mogwai bestie, and certainly during the ending. One thing I never thought of until I listened to the commentary was how much he and Gizmo mirror each other. While Giz is being picked on by Mohawk and his gang, Billy's taking shit from pretty much everyone around him.
John Glover (In the Mouth of Madness) as the rich and eccentric Daniel Clamp. Originally, this character was meant to be a villain of sorts, but Glover came off instantly likable and it kinda altered the character. My favorite Glover moment is actually at the end, when he's introduced to Gizmo. His spiel about envisioning dolls with suction pumps staring out car windows is excellent, not to mention a brilliant commentary on marketing! Another piece of greatness is when Clamp has to air the "end of civilization" tape and it brings him to tears. Glover is a fucking delight!
Christopher Lee (Horror of Dracula) as mad scientist Doctor Catheter. At first, Lee comes off as just that, a mad scientist! Once the shit hits the fan, he starts to have a change of heart, promising God that he won't perform these types of experiments on a living creature ever again. Lee plays the sympathetic change awesomely. When is this dude not good, really? He even fucking owns in Howling II!
Robert Picardo as Forster, basically Daniel Clamp's right hand man, and a total prick, at that! Picardo used to be a Dante regular of sorts, being in Innerspace, The Howling, Matinee and other films. Here, he pulls off the 'dude you love to hate role' with ease. When Forster gets to do something assholish, you get the vibe that he enjoys it, and that really enables Picardo to push it over the top (like firing a guy for smoking on the clock and teasing him with the loss of his health benefits). But like many others characters here, Forster finally finds something to be truly happy about!
LOVE
The Futtermans! Once again played by Jackie Joseph (Little Shop of Horrors) and the fantastic Dick Miller (The Terminator). Joseph is just as minor here as she was in the first film, and her character is pretty much the exact same. Miller as Murray, on the other hand, is a bit different. He's completely fueled by paranoia as opposed to kinda, and Miller kills it! Murray's afraid everyone around him thinks he's crazy, his wife talks to him like he's crazy, and it makes for some funny as shit moments. But once he nuts up and leaves his fears behind, a couple of Gremlins have a serious motherfucking badass on their hands.
The late Robert Prosky (Last Action Hero) as Grandpa Fred. Well, this one's a favorite for me, for a few reasons. One- he's a total reference to Al Lewis as Grandpa Munster. Two- taking that a bit further, Al Lewis reprised his Grandpa Munster role as a creature feature host in the 80s on TBS. The program was called Super Scary Saturday. So the fact that both elements are referenced here just puts a gi-fuckin-gantic smile on my face. Three- Prosky makes this personality hella sad, and furthermore, makes it work. After Fred's show has been given the 3 A.M. time slot, he's just really down in the dumps. His talk with Billy about how he expected his career to be different in broadcasting is a heartbreaking moment, and you simply want the best for him! Prosky nailed this shit, nothing more to say.
Haviland Morris (Sixteen Candles) as Marla Bloodstone, Billy's boss. This bitch smokes more cigarettes in five minutes than John Carpenter has in a lifetime. Morris' character is a corporate ass kisser, as well as a wannabe home wrecker. She'll do anything as long as it furthers her career. Not a very likable person, but the performance is awesome. And Morris was pretty damn smokin' when she let her hair down.
Cameos and bit parts:
HOLY SHIT at all the cameos!
Page Hannah (Creepshow 2) as a tour guide. Fun fact- she's Daryl Hannah's sister.
Raymond Cruz (From Dusk Till Dawn 2) as a messenger. Really important cameo, here. If not for this dude, Billy would have never learned the whereabouts of Gizmo.
Henry Gibson (The Blues Brothers) as Employee Fired For Smoking.
Hulk Hogan (No Holds Barred) as himself. Lemme talk about this for a minute. Another piece of genius was the change for this scene once it hit video. Hogan's theatrical section is removed and in place of it was something to more coincide with the home video release. Enjoy!
Composer Jerry Goldsmith as Yogurt Customer.
Director Joe Dante as Grandpa Fred Director. Dante also did puppet work for the Beanie Gremlin and did voice work for the Melting Witch Gremlin.
Keye Luke (Kung Fu) reprising his Mr. Wing role from the first film.
Leonard Maltin as himself.
Gedde Watanabe (Sixteen Candles' Long Duck Dong!) as Mr. Katsuji. The Grandpa Fred/Mr. Katsuji team-up owns.
Kathleen Freeman (The Blues Brothers) as Microwave Marge.
Julia Sweeney (SNL's Pat) as Peggy.
Rick Ducommon (The Burbs) as Clamp Center Security Guard.
Dean Norris (Breaking Bad) as S.W.A.T. Team Leader.
Dick Butkus (Any Given Sunday) and Bubba Smith (Police Academy) as themselves.
Kenneth Tobey (The Thing From Another World), Paul Bartel (Escape From L.A.), and Belinda Balaski (The Howling) as Projectionist, Theater Manager and Movie Theater Mom, respectively. Tobey and Balaski also appeared in the first Gremlins as Kingston Falls residents.
And let us not forget Don and Dan Stanton (T2) as the Splice 'o Life lab twins!
Voice work:
Howie Mandel returns as the voice of Gizmo and Frank Welker (who did Stripe and additional Mogwai and Gremlin voice work in the first film) gives us the gargled and gurgling chops of Mohawk. Kirk Thatcher and Mark Dodson also provide Gremlin voices. But the shining moment here is Tony Randell as the voice of Brain Gremlin. The shit is absolutely amazing, not to mention his singing performance of "New York, New York" shreds!
SFX:
At the time of this movie, original SFX guy Chris Walas was into directing, so Dante and crew had to look for someone else. After initially not wanting to take on such a project, the great Rick Baker (An American Werewolf In London) finally agreed --he co-produced the film, as well. For starters, we get a cleaner looking Gizmo this time around. I don't mean that Walas' design was sloppy, but here the creature doesn't look as aged. If anything, the Mogwais and Gremlins in this flick look more hokey, and it fits the cartoonish nature. The Gremlin designs are epic, and much more reptilian. The cocoons are gooier and the multiplying sequences are a huge step up. You actually get to see little Gremlins inside of those wet, pulsating bubbles, waiting to get out. As far as gross out shit, the paper shredder scene is fantastic. Shots like this also forced the actors to do their own puppet work, which I find pretty damn impressive. There's a few blue screen FX (when Gizmo is shown walking and dancing) sequences, some miniatures and matte paintings, and the stop motion FX for the Bat Gremlin is fucking top notch. But nothing takes place over all the hybrid Gremlins in this flick. Backing up a bit, it was a smart move to give the new Mogwais their own appearances, as opposed to all looking mostly like Gizmo. Lenny and George (Of Mice and Men shout out!) are excellent, and Daffy is a fucking show stealer. All of that and the idea of hybrid monsters was really what sold Rick Baker on the project. Electricity Gremlin, Bat Gremlin, Brain Gremlin, Lady Gremlin, Mohawk Spider Gremlin! What is not to love about this onslaught of ass kickery!?
Music:
Badass Jerry Goldsmith (RIP) returns to give a fantastic musical score. Again, we get to hear that 'anarchic circus ran by monsters' sounding theme, and the damn near tear jerking Gizmo tunes. Aside from Goldsmith's wonderful music, we also get a fairly good rock soundtrack, as well. There is some bullshit, such as Damn Yankees, but jams like Slayer's "Angel of Death" and Faith No More's "Surprise! You're Dead" totally make up for anything that sucks. Lastly, Fats Domino's "I'm Ready" is a damn good song!
Merchandising:
I'm not gonna dive too deep into this, but if you wanna read up on all things Gremlins, I highly recommend the Wiki site. Not even just for merchandising, but just in general. Two things I had that I greatly enjoyed related to Gremlins 2 were the novelization of the film and that immensely infectious NES video game. Novelizations are always kinda neat, because they tend to change up things and usually even give a bit more character background. The fucking video game was the bees knees. I could still play that shit. You take the role of Gizmo! I mean, c'mon! It's been a while, but I seem to remember the Electric Gremlin being difficult as shit.
Random Animated GIFS:
Mohawk punching a motherfucker out!
Gizmo dippin' the hell out!
I'm wondering if Randall Peltzer had a hand in building Clamp Enterprises. Nothing works!
Marla's weird eye movements. Kinda looks like...
Daffy's weird eye movements!
Mrs. Futterman holds the key to my heart!
Is it weird that I find Kate's face crazy hot here? Zero fucks given.
Final Thoughts:
I guess at this point it's fairly obvious that I love the shit out of Gremlins 2. This was really long winded, but I am unapologetic, because the movie deserves all the praise it gets. For those of you who stuck around, I thank you, and I hope you had just as much fun reading this as I had writing it. Happy to be a part of Guts and Grog's Horror With Training Wheels theme.
I'm a kid stuck in the body of a 35 year old douche bag dude with giant
tits. Sick jams, flicks, booze and weed... that's all the fucks that
Brobocop needs!
