Netflix bad movie marathon part 2: Texas Blood Money

This Saturday! Netflix Instant Bad Movie Marathon Returns…

Mr. Gable’s Reality. Morbidementia. She Blogged By Night. Vincent’s Handmade Art. Guts and Grog Reviews. 365 Horror Movie. Mrs. Gable. Krell Laboratories. Three Black Geeks. Life Between Frames.


WE’RE BACK BABY!! FOR
THE
Mega Awesome Ultra Crazy Always Amazing
NETFLIX INSTANT BAD MOVIE MARATHON!
(Part 2: Texas Blood Money)
Saturday July 16th, 2011 starting at 8:30e/7:30c/6:30m/5:30p

A History of Texas Blood Money
Why the tagline Texas Blood Money? This all boils down to one man… Mr Gable’s friend CG. Once upon a time they were ripping on movies and it was decided that all part 2’s need to have the tagline Texas Blood Money. Why? Because it’s fucking awesome, that’s why. So to this day Mr Gable continues the TBM tradition with every part 2 that he does. Why? Because it’s fucking awesome.
What is the Netflix Instant Bad Movie Marathon?
Over a month ago we had our first ever Bad Movie Night on Twitter. We chose 3 movies available on Netflix Instant that we deemed bad enough to be awesome. Then we watched them and ripped on them MST3K style via Twitter. Also, we drank pretty heavily and misspelled words constantly. But we had so much fun that we’re doing it AGAIN! Last time we were able to rope in a few people into doing this with us, let’s try to get a few more!
What can you do?
JOIN US! Get on Twitter, Fire up your Netflix Instant machines (if you’re watching on your computer you’ll have to download a plugin FYI), find a comfortable spot and rip these movies to shreds with us! Why? BECAUSE THEY DESERVE IT! Just be sure to post your Twitter handles in the comments section or seek us out on Twitter and let us know you’re in on the fun. (On Twitter you can add people to a list, that way you don’t have to follow on your regular newsfeed, you can just pick it up on the list. Also, we will be using the hashtag #badnetflix. It worked really well last time and anyone that sees our posts will be able to pull up that hashtag and see what everyone else is doing as well!
But let’s say you are a Twitter Hater. You find the thought of Twitter repulsive. Then PLEASE do this through any other means you think you can reach people worldwide! Have an active blog, update via facebook, throw a party on xbox, Skype it! Whatever you want to do, just whatever you do PLEASE let us know so we can follow along! And also keep locked onto our Twitter feeds to keep up to the minute with the world’s greatest bad movie commentary! (MST3K aside of course.)
By all means, make it your own. Maybe doodle pictures while you’re watching it, record yourself hating yourself for watching these movies, whatever you want to do!
Where can you find us?
Mr. Gable – @mrgablesreality
Mrs. Gable – @MrsGable1
Tromeric (Guts and Grog Reviews) – @Tromeric
Vincent’s Handmade Art – @vinstem
Scary Larry (Morbidementia) – @morbidementia
Stacia (She Blogged By Night) – @glitterninja
365 Horror Movie – @365HorrorMovie
Doctor Morbius(Krell Laboratories) - @doctor_morbius 
3BG- @3blackgeeks
chcircus(Life Between Frames)-@chcircus

and hopefully you!!!!!


What are we watching?
The Order of the Black Eagle

1987 – 93 minutes – Rated R
Directed by Worth Keeter (Director of A LOT of Power Ranger episodes)
IMDb Rating: 3.5/10 stars
Synopsis: In this outlandish spy-film send-up, James Bond wannabe Duncan Jax (Ian Hunter) and his tank-driving baboon infiltrate a South American lair where a group of Nazis scheme to revive a cryogenically frozen Adolf Hitler. Armed with high-tech gadgets and joined by sizzling hot lady agents, Jax turns his mission into a wildly explosive crusade against the fascist baddies. Worth Keeter directs this over-the-top action flick.
NOTES: There is NOTHING to hate about that synopsis.
Mafia vs Ninja

1985 – 91 minutes – Not Rated
Directed by Robert Tai (Director of A LOT of Kung Fu movies)
IMDb Rating: 6.0/10 stars
Synopsis: Mafia hit men and Shanghai’s fiercest ninjas mix it up in this action-packed martial arts film. After refusing to pay protection money to a violent group of gangsters, buddies Jack Do and Charlie Woo join an opposing mafia gang. When their boss, Mr. Chung, is killed by the rival gang, Jack and Charlie vow revenge and find themselves in an all-out war against ninjas and mercenaries. Alexander Lou and Silvio Azzolini star.
NOTES: This is the main event right here. I’ve watched about 30 seconds of it and had to shut if off because my face hurt from smiling. THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME.
Trespassers

2005 – 82 minutes – Not Rated
Directed by Ian McCrudden (Director of NOTHING.)
IMDb Rating: 4.0/10 stars
Synopsis: Looking to ride some killer waves and party hearty, Colin (Kaiwi Lyman) and his surfing buddies head for a secluded beach south of the border. But when the teens take a back-roads shortcut, they get hopelessly lost and end up at an abandoned campsite strewn with carnage. The hapless vacationers soon discover that they’ve stumbled onto evil terrain in this fast-paced horror flick directed by Ian McCrudden.
NOTES: Finally, some fucking TITS! That’s the only reason its here. That and it’s a perfect movie to NOT pay attention to after 3 and a half hours of drinking.
What time should you tune in?
The Order of the Black Eagle – 93 min – 8:30e/7:30c/6:30m/5:30p
*15 min break*
Mafia vs Ninja – 91 min – 10:20e/9:20c/8:20m/7:20p
*15 min break*
Trespassers – 82 min – 12:10e(am)/11:10c/10:10m/9:10p
Last words
Thank you to all who participated in last month’s Netflix Instant Bad Movie Marathon and thank you to all of you that will be participating this time! We are thinking about doing this once a month (our schedules permitting) because it’s just so cool to not only watch these movies and make fun of them but to watch movies with people who live IN ANOTHER PART OF THE WORLD.
And you don’t have to suffer alone.

(this was mostly(pretty much all) stolen from Mr. Gable and Morbidementia as I was lazy)

Mr. Gable and I did a little pre-funk with Captured a movie staring Wishmaster himself tonight to get warmed up, I am very excited as the last one was insanely fun. JOIN USSSSSS!!!!!!

Tromeric

Scream 4- Wes Craven

     It is like running into someone you fucked a lot in high school and hooking back up. It gets the job done and kind of feels good but in the last 10 years you have found so many better options.

3/5

Tromeric

Uncle Sam- William Lustig

     It's the fourth of July and I had to celebrate. I don't join in on the usual activities. My fourth involves some inebriation, so BBQ and watching Bill Lustig's classic Uncle Sam. OK that my be close to the usual but I doubt these redneck fucks are watching sweet films. They are to busy celebrating being the smallpox champions and blowing shit up. That's murica I guess.
     Jody's uncle who coincidentally is named Sam gets sent home in a coffin. Jody finds out that his uncle was kind of a douche and maybe he shouldn't worship this hero(chefs definition of hero is a crazy person who runs into danger and doesn't die so he gets a medal and is told not to be crazy anymore).That is really all you need to know plot wise. What you do need to know is that there is  a kid in a wheelchair who is some kinda crazy wise man, Chef is crazy and has a wooden leg, they hang a kid like a flag( I would salute that flag, douche on a pole), and they cook up some head on the smoker. These are just a few of the highlights of this classic film from the decade where rotary phones were still on their last leg. 
     Not perfect but a fun ride and who can not love Bill Lustig and Larry Cohen teaming up?

3.5/5


Tromeric

Behemoth- David Hogan

     Mr. Gable is doing a MANEATER week over at his place. What else do you do for fourth of July week that doesn't involve wanting to get out of taxes and covering blankets in smallpox?  I myself can't think of anything so of course I jumped in, as any chance I get to watch shitty movies with shitty animals that fuck shit up is right up my alley. So up my alley we go.
     MANEATER is basically the asylums retarded little brother on food stamps, and I don't mean the new hi tech credit card style. I mean old ass monopoly money food stamps. If you haven't figured out what I am saying it is that the MANEATER series is basically amazing.
     Behemoth is a disaster movie with a gigantic Graboid Medusa monster causing quakes and making the CW"S guest star line ups boobs to shake. A whole lot of other TV actors round out this cast of badassary, most notably William B. Davis who doesn't even smoke one cigarette.
     MANEATER like the asylum are not necessarily "great" films but they are super entertaining and they have so much heart Harry Warden is probably nearby waiting to give them the pick axe. Recommended only to people with severe problems that enjoy fun shitty sinema if that's not you I suggest you get a wrench and unscrew your asshole a bit because it is wound up tighter than that "special" kids toy he got from McDonald's.


2/5


Tromeric

The Deadly Spawn- Dougles Mckeown

     Giant penis alien monsters chew up bitches and devour young children. Its like a catholic preschool. One of my favorite films from the eighties, it has it all. Splatter bloody fun and gigantor nipples.
    


4.5/5


Tromeric

Dead Alive- Peter Jackson

     Before he made that trilogy that lasts longer than a pedophile trying to fuck a twenty year old Peter Jackson made some of the most important entry's in the splatter genre.
     Zombie Priests, zombie babys, fucking zombie priests, rat monkeys, puss pudding, giant bitches, lawnmowers  and more splatter than a bukake film. 


5/5

Tromeric

From Beyond- Stuart Gordon

     The man that brought us Re- Animator, Dagon, Castle Freak and of course Honey I shrunk the Kids uses some surprising source material with an H.P. Lovecraft story(that's sarcasm).
    Gooey, gory, slimy and sexy this is a perfect example of what makes the 80s so amazing.  Jeffery Combs and Barbra Crampton reunite after Re-Animator and this time they are joined by Ken Foree. Ken Foree is tuff as shit in most movies, not in this. He acts like he is but then he goes down like Macaulay Culkin and I don't mean like that one time at MJ's house I mean like Wu Tang....Killa Bees. Aside from that this movie is bad ass and should be watched by all.

4.5/5


Tromeric

The Beyond- Lucio Fulci

     The Italian splatter master delivers in one of his best.  If I wasn't comparing it to his other work it would be perfect but its still damn close. 
     Demons, Seeing eye dogs ripping out jugulars(unfortunately not Juggalos), gingers getting their head the fuck shot off, spiders ripping out eyeballs and tearing away faces.  Those are just  a few highlights of what granddaddy Fulci brings to the table. Kathrine MacCOLL   and David Warbeck bring it and the music is amazing as always in Italy. 

4.5/5

Tromeric

Mega Python vs Gatoroid- Mary Lambert

      The director of Pet Semetary brings possibly the best of the Mega movies.  The Asylum just keep getting bigger and better.
     Debbie Gibson liberates a bunch of snakes and Out of the Blue(see what I did there) decides to free them in a pond like two feet out of town. They get big and eat shit so Tiffany gives some gators roid rage and people start getting eaten, including Tiffany's boy toy, yes I think Tiffany is alone now(I did it again).Its go time and all the redneck hunters are out for snake blood. It was like Swamp People without Troy and CGI gators. Gators get bigger and Snakes get longer. CHAOS.
     As I have said many times I love The Asylum. They got this movie right. It starts right off the bat. The gators look bad ass and its got plenty of funny moments. It's nonstop kill after kill after hilarious bad acting with creatures that will fuck your shit up.  You will witness the most epic fight scene ever. It gives They Live a run for its money.  Their is a montage to what I assume is a Debbie Gibson song that is fanfuckingtabolous.  Animation, science and gators growing at a rapid rate. Debbie Gibson in a white wet short ass dress and Tiffany's boobs are always in lens.
      I suggest all get a sixer put this on and just sit back and be entertained.


3.5/5

Tromeric

Super 8- J.J. Abrams

    I walked into the theater a thirty one year old bad ass and within minutes of Super 8 had reverted back to child.  I mean seriously, when I went in there that camp counselor(yeah that one) would want nothing to do with my ass but Super 8 turned me into a kid, I shrank right there and I was 12 again, dick and all .  The counselor would not of been able to resist me the entire time I was watching it. Just a twelve year old with a rocking boner.
    I am not going to give away anything. The trailer gives away the perfect amount and I will not be guilty of ruining this. I will just say a few things.  Yes the monster is bad ass. Its frightening and still feels human at points.  The acting is great. The effects are amazing. Its a coming of age movie that should of been made in the time it is set. I knew these kids. I rode my BMX bike to their house to talk/study/watch/make movies with them. It is Stand by Me meets Alien. Its Spaced Invaders meets Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Its The Monster Squad meets E.T.. Its The Goonies meets Predator.
     Everything is top notch in every way. Get a big ass tub of popcorn, some friends and sit back and enjoy two hours of epic bliss.  

4.5/5

Tromeric

Bad Movie Netflix Marathon of Awesome

     A couple months in the making and last Saturday it was finally time. I got off work and made a trip to the store to get the essentials, by essentials I of course mean snacks, beer and booze. I was set, I had all my snacks and booze, a laptop, my Ipod, my PS3 and my Netflix cued up.  It was go time. I watched a couple of episodes of 1000 ways to Die in anticipation for this epic night I was about to embark upon.  While they were playing I had a few beers and started shitting all over Facebook and Twitter reminding everyone to drop whatever they were doing to join in on the fun.  My friend over at 365HorrorMovie informed me he was gonna run to the store to get some rum and would join us for the first film. I of course knew once he started there was no quitting but I let him go ahead believing he could watch just one. It was getting close, I got my group set up to make it easier for keeping up with everyone.  What started with four had become seven.  We had of course me, the previously mentioned 365HorrorMovie, Morbidementia, our host Mr. Gable, Mrs. Gable, Vincent, and GlitterNinja.  The rules were simple. We would all watch specific movies at specific times while drinking the grog and we would post our smart ass opinions on Twitter. It was our version of Mystery Science Theater 3000 for the modern age.  I even drunkenly sent Michael J Nelson a twat explaining what we were doing. No response though. I like to think that he would of joined in if he wasn't busy but I will never know. Anyways back to the rules. We would use the #badnetflix hashtag to keep them in one area in the world on twitter, aside from Vincent who decided it was a #badnetlfix, I am guessing that was the boozed up frappuccinos he was partaking of. What happened as we got going was magic. I instantly was having  a blast. Seven people in different parts of the country and even multiple timezones were watching these shitty/awesome movies at the same time. It felt like we were all crammed in one shitty basement. I can't even describe the fun it was.  We did three movies and while some where better than others I enjoyed the whole thing.

     We started with Farcry. A movie by my master Dr. Uwe Boll. Shockingly it is based of a video game. Dr. Boll will be branching out later this year when his movie, that I am guessing will offend the whole world Auschwitz comes out. Back to Farcry. Wow. Its a piece of shit. Boll always gets a budget which some may find shocking but I will continue to watch his shit till I am withered up and dying.  As 365HorrorMoive pointed out its probably not fair to riff an Uwe movie but fuck it, we make our own rules.

Next up we went for the Moon. Well Herc through a bear there at least.  The man that brought the splatter classic Contamination directs the Hulk in this insane but fucking amazing tale of Hercules.  Yeah he throws a bear in space and lots of other insane things happen.  This movie was a blast and should be experienced by all. Vincent even drew an epic picture that I must share with the world of one of the  greatest moments on celluloid   

     We ended the night with RetarDead. Yes it is about tarded zombies. Yes its as bad as it sounds. Yes I am glad I watched it. It was the end and most of us were pretty far deep in the drunk tank, which is probably the only reason we survived this. I only recommend this to the truest appreciators of bad cinema. It is from the man that brought us Monsturd which was shit, pun intended. It was however shit I enjoyed the shit out of. Wow that's a lot of shit. Yes good shit.

The remains of the evening.

      Well there is a rundown(minus the Rock) of one of the greatest nights on the internet, patent pending from Mr. Gable.  I will leave you with a few of the twat highlights of the night.






@glitterninja

"I sense a sequel- Farcry 2: Emilio takes Manhattan."

"Wow, Powder really buffed up." (twat of the night in my opinion)

"This chariot is gayer than Charles Nelson Riley,  Rip Taylor, and Richard Simmons combined."



@MrsGable1


"Magic pants dance, when is Bowie suppose to enter?"

"Rainbow Bright was in charge of Cinematography."



@mrgablesreality

"This movie is a Farcry.....from awesome."

"Special Army. I hope they have one of those in RetarDead."

"This movie Uwe's you an hour."

"I wish Hercules would show up and throw this movie into outer space. "


@Morbidementia

"You shouldn't make jokes about being rated 2/10 in a movie that's rated 2/10."

"I think the princess just creamed her burka."

"Whats at the end of rainbows? Not pots of gold, not gay pride parades. Hell. Hell is at the end of Rainbows."

@365HorrorMovie


"Wait, and Uwe Boll movie? Is that even fair?"

"Id rather lick semen samples of windows than listen to this sheriff."


@Vinstem

"Metaphorical boning at least."

"Well at least RetarDead makes you glad its over."

"You just bent my erection."


@Tromeric


"I would let Udo Forcibly make me a dendrophilliac. Is that weird?"

"Uwe was inspired by Cobra Triangle for this boat scene."

"I would shoot a load of rainbow bullets out me cock if Dolph showed up."

"So does a RetarDead  Zombie like eating its own ear?"

"Jim Wynorski would role his eyes at this."

"That was kinda like the strip poker scene in Terror Toons. It went on for like a half hour and no one lost. Except  me."

After drunk Netflix party's full of booze this is all I need.

    Well there you have it. A great fucking night in review.  I know we will be doing this again with more people and I highly suggest anyone that can join in. It was more fun than I could ever put into writing. Like all good things it had to end, once it did I was very ready. I had a full day of waiting on people and I was drunker than my dad was when I was born.  I made my way to the house of nerd and passed the fuck out. Till next time bitches.



Tromeric

Ghoulies 3: Ghoulies go to College- John Carl Buechler

    
      We have a guest review from Mr. Gable. If you wanna no bad movies get your asses over there. He is the authority.



     I'm drunk. and I just watched quite possibly the greatest fucking drinking movie of all time. Ghoulies 3. I need to thank Master Grog for pointing out to me that this movie owns. I own the movie on VHS and its just kinda been sitting there and had it not been for his wisdom...it probably would have sat there until I owned all 4.

Which is completely UNNECESSARY.

Fucking watch this, if your bad movie cock doesn't grow 10 inches you're too much of a fucking pussy to exist.



YES! BEER RUN!

So this movie is just one wild fucking prank ride after another! It's corny, its crazy, its fucking ghoulies. They come out of a toilet. That was kind of the gimmick of the first one. But here we are in part 3, and even though I haven't seen part 2, part 3 exploits the shit out of the toilet. They just can't FIT IN enough shit jokes. It's just so AWESOME.

Ghoulies 3 is what I would describe as the bastard love child of Gremlins, Animal House, the 3 stooges, and Charles Band's Full Moon brand of insanity. John Carl Buechler, the director of Ghoulies 3, is a long time associate of Charles Band. Although Band has nothing to do with Ghoulies 3 (aside from INVENTING ghoulies in the first place) Buechler definitely brings Bands influence to this flick. Buechler HAS worked with Band on films like Troll and The Dungeonmaster. Insane fucking movies. Ghoulies 3....no different.

If you are looking for A GOOD TIME, I mean a visual EYEGASM, Ghoulies 3 is where its at. I had my reservations, so much so that I found reasons NOT to watch Ghoulies 3, but in all honesty, I was won over in the first 3 minutes. This movie is bad movie GOLD. Every minute is better than the last 5 minutes. Fucking watch it. And do it drunk. You'll laugh so much harder.

Mr. Gable

Trollhunter- André Øvredal

     TRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!! 
     Found footage movies have been pretty fucking over saturated since Paranormal Activity. Most of the time they are a one time watch.  Cannibal Holocaust is the best found footage movie and is missing the credit it is due. Blair Witch gets it all. The first time I saw Blair Witch it scared the shit out of me. Now it is kinda lame.  The August Underground movies are the new classic found footage movies in my opinion. This is all pointless drunken back story.
     Trollhunter is kind of a slow start.  I get kind of bored with the shaky video footage bullshit. I can ignore all that because these  trolls are so fucking rad. Its like Fraggle Rock if they ate more bitches and hated Jesus Freaks.  Love it.
     Norway has sweet Black Metal and Santa story's . Now they can add awesome Troll movie to their list. Way to go Norway.

3.5/5

Tromeric

The Shrine- Jon Knautz

     Jack Brooks Monster Slayer is one of my favorite modern monster movies so I was super excited when I heard about this.  I went into it not knowing to much but was pleasantly surprised.
      A bit of a slow start, not boring but uneventful.  Once it gets going its has so much badassness it could tame a lion.  I don't know what that means but it rules.
     The Exorcist fucks The Evil Dead.  A baby is made.  That baby grows up and starts playing Resident Evil four.  It takes  a break from that and writes Jack Brooks Monster Slayer.
     Slow burning bad ass cult, demon, kill that shit awesomeness.  I cannot wait for Jack Brooks 2. This is a nice in between. SATAN!

3.5/5

Tromeric

The Woman- Lucky McKee

     Go find the video of the dude freaking out at Sundance over The Woman. This guy is a douche. You know it right away.  There is no way any movie can be this bad.  I love Lucky McKee. I love Jack Ketchum. I have been waiting for this for a while now.  Offspring was great I read the book in one sitting and the movie while low budget was a good effort. This however I had high hopes for.  Did it live up?  Well read the review you fucks.
     The follow up to Offspring which was the follow up to Off Season which was never made into a  film.  This Bill Paxton look alike sees a hot dirty cannibal wackadoo bathing in the river. He captures her and chains her up and gets his family to help teach her the ways of the world.  That is as much of a plot synopsis you will get from me. 
     I won't lie, for the first half hour or so I was a little worried that I had built this up to much.  I wasn't sure where it was going and I had my doubts.  Then all of a sudden this took my insides and ripped them out and they pretty much stayed there for the next hour.  Everyone has seen the guy at Sundance freaking out and throwing a hissy about this. Well if he would of just been patient he could of maybe been stoked like I was.  Yes it starts out a little slow, yes at first you feel like the worst person ever and if someone walked in they would think you were the most misogynistic person on the planet. Well be patient you fuck it will get better.
    Once this was over I was literally jumping up and down with excitement. The beginning is important as it makes you appreciate the end that much more.  It is like when you take a girl home and you have whiskey dick. At first she is trying and trying and working it so hard but it seems like its pointless.  Then out of nowhere it hits and it is the best thing that has ever happened to you, you just keep getting more excited till you can't hold it in anymore and next thing you know she looks like the girl from Flashdance. 

5/5


Tromeric