The Taint- Drew Bolduc, Dan Nelson

     After watching this film five times so far I finally feel ready to attempt to write about it. The Taint is in league of its own. I imagine the filmmakers grew up watching everything from John Waters to Troma. It is sexually charged yet still full of gore and basically gives you a facial of awesome the entire time you watch it.
    The plot is simple. The water is tainted(yeah I assumed the title was speaking of the in between of your ass and balls as well) and turns dudes into giant dicked zombies who hate woman and spray everyone with their knuckle children. The gore in this is so fucking awesome, so many head smashing's, clever gore gags and there is more cumming of blood than Cannibal Corpse has on their box set. Oh did I mention dick explosions. Yeah I am pretty sure they got Michael Bay to guest direct all the dick explosions scenes.
     The music is just as much of a character as any of the actors.   Goblin meets Kraftwerk and they gang bang Tristeza. Speaking of the actors they all do amazing work. May not be your typical Daniel Day Lewis but for what they are trying to accomplish they pull it off like a baby's diaper in the Vatican.  Speaking of baby's don't miss the assisted aborticide that would make Casey Anthony jealous.
     In the end The Taint is a perfect example of what you can do on a limited budget. You can tell everyone is having a blast while they made this and in an unlikely turn you the viewer also have a blast, albeit a blast to the face a blast none the less. Put on your dancing shoes, pull out your plastic sheet  and let The Taint blow its load of awesome right in your face.

4/5


Tromeric

Coons! Night of the Bandits of the Night- Travis Irvine

     Troma is a company I have been watching since I was dick high. USA up all night introduced me to many of the classics and my VHS scores of The Toxic Avenger and Class of Nuke em High were watched more than my copy of Ramboner, and that's saying something. When I found Cannibal the Musical that fateful day I could not stop watching it. When DVDs started making their way into my house in the late 90's early oughts Troma was a label I would look for right along side Criterion, Anchor Bay, and Something Weird. Terror Firmer, The Tox Box, Tromas War were a few of the first ones I remember picking up, at one point I considered buying the complete Troma catalog off their website. Then something happened, I bought Rockabilly Vampire. There I said it. This was a very traumatic day in my life, I remember it like it was yesterday. I got back to the dungeon of doom, cracked open my 40 lit a smoke and put in what I assumed was gonna be my new favorite film. I waited and waited for something amazing and as time went on I realized I was being tortured. The Iron Maiden doesn't have shit on Rockabilly Vampire. I am pretty sure Werner Hezog should of made a movie about this instead of Dieter Dengler. I don't wanna take away the impact of his torture but he never watched Rockabilly Vampire as far as I know. I realized that while if it had Lloyd' s name on the director line I could count on it to rule my balls but just having the Troma label meant nothing anymore. Buying a Troma movie became like having sex on the bed your were raped on, sure there were exceptions. Teenage Catgirls in Heat, Redneck Zombies, Monster in the Closet but most of the time I ended up watching some Bullshit like Butt Crack that scared me for life. I am rambling, let me get to the point. Coons! Night of the Bandits of the Night is  far better than it has any right to be.
      Some may say that Coons is sophomoric and tasteless. Well I can't argue with that. I will say for a movie made with a budget comparable to a German skat film and some of the worst acting and costumes and effects you will ever see its not half bad.  I am not saying this is the new Citizen Kane by any means but it does have racoons that shoot guns, make your mom jokes and throw shit at people. The racoons are just really old victims of taxidermy on a stick but they are fucking hilarious. The characters are all insanely over the top and poorly executed yet you can't help but enjoy it. The writing is surprisingly fun albeit not what many would describe as "good."
     You probably should have a lot of drinks if you watch this. You should probably avoid this is you don't tend to enjoy wallowing around in your own shit. If like me you sometimes don't mind rolling around in last nights tequila and stir fry pick up this little turd nugget and launch that shit straight in your DVD player.
    

1.5/5

Tromeric


     
     

The Uncanny- Denis Héroux

     Animals in movies are amazing. When they kill they are even cooler. When they are cute as shit cats that fuck shit up they make my shit rock hard.
      The Uncanny is kind of like if Creepshow 2 took out the first and third story and added some more. It even has somewhat of a animated opening, or at least some really bad Bob Ross like paintings of cats being awesome and having fangs. It is an anthology movie where Peter Cushing is a writer and tells a publisher some stories about cats murderizing people to death while a white cat that looks like it got a frying pan to the face listens. 
     The first story is a tale of greed. Some douche finds out his bat shit crazy cat lady aunt is gonna leave all her money to her cats instead of him. He sends in his mistress to get the will so he can get that money to buy tea or some shit.  She goes and the cats straight fuck up her day. She has to go into survival mode and make cat food sandwiches. Its gross.
     The second story is kinda like The Good Son except its a daughter. A girl has to go live with her aunt and uncle as her parents went down in a plane and didn't have a Chilean soccer team to eat so they died. She also encounters her cunt of a cousin who makes sure she knows who's in charge and its not Charles.  This of course also goes with the cat that she brought. Cousin cunt wants to play with the cat, but this is a loyal cat. When she can't play with the cat she gives into the temptation of receiving many virgins and  try's to fly a plane into her cousin. Her aunt then decides that she had to deal with dead parents so a dead cat shouldn't be a big deal so she sends it off to the local PETA, or at least I assume that's where its going. The cat shows back up and the girl get her moms old magik book out, the kind with a K none of this douche bag Chris Angel magic with a C bullshit. She shrinks her cunt cousin down to the size of a mouse(that's convenient) and you know this cat is gonna have some fun now. A battle with a giant projection screen ensues and the cat gets weird puppet hands and slaps the shit out of this bitch.
     In the third and final story Dr. Loomis watches his wife die in an accident on the set of The Pit and the Pendulum in an act that Brandon Lee would rip off twenty years later. They hire her double who is so similar to her that Loomis accidentally has sex with her a lot. You know the dead actresses adorable kitty doesn't take kindly to mariticide. Dr. Loomis also decides that he is going to flush the cats five kittens down the toilet. I guess in England they have crazy huge toilets because if I tried to flush five cats down the drain I would be seeing yesterdays bottle of tequila coming back to visit for the third time.  They then come up with as many cliche sayings about cats to use and that just pisses the cat off more till it kills the shit out of them. 
    Peter Cushing tells all these storys and leaves and the cat exploits his owner and it ends.
    If you even kind of enjoy killer animal movies this is a must have. It should sit on your shelf right next to your Night of the Lepus, Orca the Killer Whale, Squirm and Day of the Animals. 

3/5


Tromeric

Tucker & Dale vs Evil- Eli Craig

Here's the set up: a group of college kids go out in the woods to drink, smoke weed and skinny dip, but then...things take a turn for the macabre. Nothing too imaginative, right? We've all seen this movie a million times. Wrong, dead wrong. I won't spoil anything, because half the fun of this movie is how original the story is. Not only is this easily the best horror-comedy I've seen since Shaun of the Dead, but it has one of the smartest approaches to the genre I've seen in a long time. You get all the gore and fun (plus some titties, of course) that you'd expect from a typical slasher movie, plus a ton of great humor and some pretty unexpected twists and turns. Again, I can't get too specific about the details, because you really should go into this one with as little info as possible. I was lucky enough to only know the bare bones plot, and that may have been too much really. So don't go looking it up online, don't read any summaries; just sit back and enjoy the madness. If I had to complain about anything, it's that the last half hour or so is pretty predictable, but it's still a shit-ton of fun. Time will tell if it stands up to repeat viewings, but I don't see why it wouldn't. Even if it doesn't, the first time around is a fucking brilliant ride. So get yourself a copy of the movie, have a couple of drinks, and have a hell of a good time with one of the most clever horror movies I've seen in years.

4.5/5

Gabe Nye the Science Guy

Netflix bad movie marathon part 2: Texas Blood Money

This Saturday! Netflix Instant Bad Movie Marathon Returns…

Mr. Gable’s Reality. Morbidementia. She Blogged By Night. Vincent’s Handmade Art. Guts and Grog Reviews. 365 Horror Movie. Mrs. Gable. Krell Laboratories. Three Black Geeks. Life Between Frames.


WE’RE BACK BABY!! FOR
THE
Mega Awesome Ultra Crazy Always Amazing
NETFLIX INSTANT BAD MOVIE MARATHON!
(Part 2: Texas Blood Money)
Saturday July 16th, 2011 starting at 8:30e/7:30c/6:30m/5:30p

A History of Texas Blood Money
Why the tagline Texas Blood Money? This all boils down to one man… Mr Gable’s friend CG. Once upon a time they were ripping on movies and it was decided that all part 2’s need to have the tagline Texas Blood Money. Why? Because it’s fucking awesome, that’s why. So to this day Mr Gable continues the TBM tradition with every part 2 that he does. Why? Because it’s fucking awesome.
What is the Netflix Instant Bad Movie Marathon?
Over a month ago we had our first ever Bad Movie Night on Twitter. We chose 3 movies available on Netflix Instant that we deemed bad enough to be awesome. Then we watched them and ripped on them MST3K style via Twitter. Also, we drank pretty heavily and misspelled words constantly. But we had so much fun that we’re doing it AGAIN! Last time we were able to rope in a few people into doing this with us, let’s try to get a few more!
What can you do?
JOIN US! Get on Twitter, Fire up your Netflix Instant machines (if you’re watching on your computer you’ll have to download a plugin FYI), find a comfortable spot and rip these movies to shreds with us! Why? BECAUSE THEY DESERVE IT! Just be sure to post your Twitter handles in the comments section or seek us out on Twitter and let us know you’re in on the fun. (On Twitter you can add people to a list, that way you don’t have to follow on your regular newsfeed, you can just pick it up on the list. Also, we will be using the hashtag #badnetflix. It worked really well last time and anyone that sees our posts will be able to pull up that hashtag and see what everyone else is doing as well!
But let’s say you are a Twitter Hater. You find the thought of Twitter repulsive. Then PLEASE do this through any other means you think you can reach people worldwide! Have an active blog, update via facebook, throw a party on xbox, Skype it! Whatever you want to do, just whatever you do PLEASE let us know so we can follow along! And also keep locked onto our Twitter feeds to keep up to the minute with the world’s greatest bad movie commentary! (MST3K aside of course.)
By all means, make it your own. Maybe doodle pictures while you’re watching it, record yourself hating yourself for watching these movies, whatever you want to do!
Where can you find us?
Mr. Gable – @mrgablesreality
Mrs. Gable – @MrsGable1
Tromeric (Guts and Grog Reviews) – @Tromeric
Vincent’s Handmade Art – @vinstem
Scary Larry (Morbidementia) – @morbidementia
Stacia (She Blogged By Night) – @glitterninja
365 Horror Movie – @365HorrorMovie
Doctor Morbius(Krell Laboratories) - @doctor_morbius 
3BG- @3blackgeeks
chcircus(Life Between Frames)-@chcircus

and hopefully you!!!!!


What are we watching?
The Order of the Black Eagle

1987 – 93 minutes – Rated R
Directed by Worth Keeter (Director of A LOT of Power Ranger episodes)
IMDb Rating: 3.5/10 stars
Synopsis: In this outlandish spy-film send-up, James Bond wannabe Duncan Jax (Ian Hunter) and his tank-driving baboon infiltrate a South American lair where a group of Nazis scheme to revive a cryogenically frozen Adolf Hitler. Armed with high-tech gadgets and joined by sizzling hot lady agents, Jax turns his mission into a wildly explosive crusade against the fascist baddies. Worth Keeter directs this over-the-top action flick.
NOTES: There is NOTHING to hate about that synopsis.
Mafia vs Ninja

1985 – 91 minutes – Not Rated
Directed by Robert Tai (Director of A LOT of Kung Fu movies)
IMDb Rating: 6.0/10 stars
Synopsis: Mafia hit men and Shanghai’s fiercest ninjas mix it up in this action-packed martial arts film. After refusing to pay protection money to a violent group of gangsters, buddies Jack Do and Charlie Woo join an opposing mafia gang. When their boss, Mr. Chung, is killed by the rival gang, Jack and Charlie vow revenge and find themselves in an all-out war against ninjas and mercenaries. Alexander Lou and Silvio Azzolini star.
NOTES: This is the main event right here. I’ve watched about 30 seconds of it and had to shut if off because my face hurt from smiling. THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME.
Trespassers

2005 – 82 minutes – Not Rated
Directed by Ian McCrudden (Director of NOTHING.)
IMDb Rating: 4.0/10 stars
Synopsis: Looking to ride some killer waves and party hearty, Colin (Kaiwi Lyman) and his surfing buddies head for a secluded beach south of the border. But when the teens take a back-roads shortcut, they get hopelessly lost and end up at an abandoned campsite strewn with carnage. The hapless vacationers soon discover that they’ve stumbled onto evil terrain in this fast-paced horror flick directed by Ian McCrudden.
NOTES: Finally, some fucking TITS! That’s the only reason its here. That and it’s a perfect movie to NOT pay attention to after 3 and a half hours of drinking.
What time should you tune in?
The Order of the Black Eagle – 93 min – 8:30e/7:30c/6:30m/5:30p
*15 min break*
Mafia vs Ninja – 91 min – 10:20e/9:20c/8:20m/7:20p
*15 min break*
Trespassers – 82 min – 12:10e(am)/11:10c/10:10m/9:10p
Last words
Thank you to all who participated in last month’s Netflix Instant Bad Movie Marathon and thank you to all of you that will be participating this time! We are thinking about doing this once a month (our schedules permitting) because it’s just so cool to not only watch these movies and make fun of them but to watch movies with people who live IN ANOTHER PART OF THE WORLD.
And you don’t have to suffer alone.

(this was mostly(pretty much all) stolen from Mr. Gable and Morbidementia as I was lazy)

Mr. Gable and I did a little pre-funk with Captured a movie staring Wishmaster himself tonight to get warmed up, I am very excited as the last one was insanely fun. JOIN USSSSSS!!!!!!

Tromeric

Scream 4- Wes Craven

     It is like running into someone you fucked a lot in high school and hooking back up. It gets the job done and kind of feels good but in the last 10 years you have found so many better options.

3/5

Tromeric

Uncle Sam- William Lustig

     It's the fourth of July and I had to celebrate. I don't join in on the usual activities. My fourth involves some inebriation, so BBQ and watching Bill Lustig's classic Uncle Sam. OK that my be close to the usual but I doubt these redneck fucks are watching sweet films. They are to busy celebrating being the smallpox champions and blowing shit up. That's murica I guess.
     Jody's uncle who coincidentally is named Sam gets sent home in a coffin. Jody finds out that his uncle was kind of a douche and maybe he shouldn't worship this hero(chefs definition of hero is a crazy person who runs into danger and doesn't die so he gets a medal and is told not to be crazy anymore).That is really all you need to know plot wise. What you do need to know is that there is  a kid in a wheelchair who is some kinda crazy wise man, Chef is crazy and has a wooden leg, they hang a kid like a flag( I would salute that flag, douche on a pole), and they cook up some head on the smoker. These are just a few of the highlights of this classic film from the decade where rotary phones were still on their last leg. 
     Not perfect but a fun ride and who can not love Bill Lustig and Larry Cohen teaming up?

3.5/5


Tromeric