Subspecies, Or How I Spent My Post Oscar Hangover Day

Sunday started with a day full of work as usual. I wanted this day to be over so I could start my yearly Oscar party. Sure the Oscars are outdated and usually wrong but I still have to watch. I don't care that they snub my favorite films. I am glad they do. I love sitting around drinking with friends yelling at the TV. It is probably the closest thing to a sports game I will ever care about. Well the Oscars came and went and by the end I was a bit inebriated. We continued the party listening to music, drinking and dancing. Well I was dancing. It only takes one for a dance party god dammit.  Well it was late and I puked my insides to the outside and passed out. The next morning I woke up feeling less than a hundred percent. I had to do something with myself so I looked around my room and saw my Subspecies box set. I hadn't watched any of them in years. Growing up I always would go for puppets over vampires so I figured it was about time to see what Radu was up to.
Subspecies(1991)- Ted Nicolaou

A couple of American girls show up in Romania to study Romanian culture with a friend. Radu shows up and kills the Tall Man. Radu wants these bitches but his brother is the nice one and loves their feelings. Radu wants their blood. He is cooler. The overall feel of this film is awesome, which is not surprising when you get a guy named Vlad to be your DP. It is Full of great sets and the countryside lends itself to the creepy nature of the film. There are some great effects in this. One moment is when Radu cuts off his fingers and they do a metamorphosis from gross finger to gusher, gusher to coyote dick, coyote dick to some awesome Harryhausen stop motion cyclops looking bastards. There is also a great scene at one the local rituals that is insanely unnerving. The whole town is dressed up and doing a ritualistic dance/parade in what looks like Muppet's costumes if they were designed by the Marques DE Sade. All in all I have nothing but love for the origins of this series.
BloodStone: Subspecies II- Ted Nicolaou

This picks up right after the end of the first one. Michelle tries to escape Radu but he wants to bang her vampire style. She takes the bloodstone and runs. Her sister comes to help but Radu is one persistent bitch. This is probably my favorite of the series. The effects are fucking amped up like Jose Canseco in the ninety's. Some of the highlights are the head reattachment scene which is quickly followed by a blood geyser of awesome. Numerous stabs to the face and all around badassary. The plot is unique and at times turns into a random buddy cop comedy. The cast is awesome and features William Shatner's daughter and the final guy from Friday the 13th part seven.  They go to the coolest most realistic metal club that even has Beavis and Butthead style graffiti including the term "Metal Rules" as well as other super creative phrases.

Bloodlust: Subspecies III- Ted Nicolaou

A direct continuation from two keeps Becky and Michelle running from Radu. All the same characters are back and to me is the least impressive out of the series. Still necessary in its own right and not bad by any means just the slowest of the series. The mummy in this one is pretty awesome I will say. She is trying to keep Radu grounded but he wants nothing to do with it. He says "Fuck you mummy, I will train this bitch." There is some sweet shadow stop motion and a great melting scene where you find out Radu kind of looks like King Diamond when he is on fire. There are plenty of sex and death scenes to keep you happy including one where Radu is fucking some chick Frombee and draining her neck. That alone is worth it.

Vampire Journals- Ted Nicolaou

Not a direct sequel but it does take place in the same universe. Radu is mentioned and Ash ends up in Subspecies four. I really enjoy this one. I feel like I am watching the flashbacks in old episodes of Angel/Buffy or even the more recent Vampire Diaries. Zachary, who is the younger James brother in one of my personal favorite  films Real Killers is a vampire out to severe his bloodline. He has feelings and all that bullshit. He is still kinda badass in this. Well he is on the hunt for Ash who is being an evil weirdo. Their paths cross when Ash get this super hot Pianist(I said pianist you child) in his sights. Zachary wants to protect her because of those stupid feelings. I am not trying to paint this movie as a tweenish bullshit film. It's not. In the first minute of the movie you get nipples and a beheading. I like those numbers. There are plenty of great kills including a exorcist style forced head spin. In the end while not fully a Subspecies film this is a great watch and full of blood and boobs. Two of my favorite B's.

Subspecies 4: Bloodstorm- Ted Nicolaou

The final installment of Subspecies finds Michelle in a hospital after a car crash. The Doctor realizes she is a vampire and tries to help her. He of course also has ulterior motives as he knows of Radu and wants the Bloodstone. Ash also is there and along with his lady friend sets out to fuck up Radu's day.  They get help from the humans to get rid of him. Basically everyone wants to fuck over everyone to get the bloodstone.
A lot of people hate this one. It is by no means perfect but I still had a lot of fun with it. The opening is great and reminded me of Lethal Weapon four or Final Destination five with the montage of clips from all the previous films. The montage is a bit different as it is Enter the Void style with its fast cuts that would most definitely send a epileptic into seizure. Some of the effects are less than perfect but overall they work. This one probably has the most be headings and they are all bad ass. It ties everything up nicely and for a final entry works for me.

    Well that is it for my revisit of the Subspecies series. In the end I was very happy to go back. In a time full of bullshit romantipires it was refreshing to see some Gothic vampires  that actually drink fuck and kill. 

Tromeric

31 days of Horror Nerd Indoctrination- Day Twenty One: Full Moon

     Growing up if there was one company that I would always look for at the video store it was Full Moon.  Once I saw Puppet Master I was addicted.  I would just look for that moon. Ninety nine percent of the time I went home, watched the movie and shit my pants out of joy. 
      If New Line is the house that Freddy built Full Moon is the house that Blade built, with some help from Torch, Six Shooter, Leech Woman, Pinhead, Jester and Tunneler. Puppet Master may be their most famous but it is not where Full Moon stops.  Look at the Subspecies series. Radu keeps sucking the life right back into that series.  It even recently was awarded a Blu Ray release.  Let's not forget Trancers. Tim Thomerson could kick my ass any day of the week. That is just the series. They also put out some of what are still my favorite stand alone films.  Bad Channels is a perfect movie.  Sykotik Symphony is amazing, Blue Oyster Cult didn't try and find out who their pussy fans were and the aliens rule my balls.  Castle Freak is always a must watch and Stuart Gordon also did the Pit and the Pendulum with Jeffery Combs.  In the eighties and ninety's Full Moon had a hold of me. 
     Once they lost their partnership with Paramount you definitely saw a drastic change in budget and quality. This is a time I just kind of forget. There were a few exceptions like Witchhouse which I have a weird soft spot that would make a baby jealous( I don't know what that means either). 
     These days Full Moon is at it again.  Sure it might not live up to some of the eighties and early ninety's films but they are back to being awesome. Killer Bong, Killjoy, and my personal favorite Gingerdead Man.

     One last thing I want to touch on is Full Moons toy line. I know I have went over it a bit before but I was obsessed with all their figures.  Puppet Master, Radu, Castle Freak and these days they have all their replicas which are insanely amazing and I want all of. The Gingerdead Man one is amazing, Evil Bong, and all the battle damaged puppets.




     Full Moon has always been there for me when I needed a less than perfect but fun ride. Kind of like that person you call, you know who I am talking about, anyways they have made it a long time and should be saluted like your shorts. This is just a quick overview of my life with Full Moon. I suggest you go over to Mr. Gable's Reality if you want some more Full Moon love.


Tromeric

The Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver- William Buttler

     I was lucky enough to see Evil Bong 3 in the theater in 3D and Sniff-O-Rama.  It was great.  Charles Band and Jefferey Combs were supposed to be there and never showed up.  I was as disappointed  as that Ugly Betty actor was in his mom, granted I wont behead them with a samurai sword, albeit bad ass.  The whole night was great and I had a blast.  The highlight. Getting The Gingerdead Man box set. I of course already owned the first two but this was the only way to get part 3 for quite some while.  I passed on the first two to Gabe Nye the Science Guy who join me in this marathon although pretty much asleep the whole time. He was probly dreaming of the awesomeness that was on the screen in front of us.
     I love this whole series but this is by far the best. There are aspects of the other two I love but as a whole this is the king.  Entertaining from start to finish with some brilliant references. An overall homage to Carrie with nods to everything from Citizen Kane(which is appropriate as this is the Citizen Kane of Full Moon) to Field of Dreams not to mention( I guess I am) one of the most amazing Porky's references the human mind can fathom.
      Gingerdead Man travels back in time to hang out with sexy 70's roller skaters who like the Bee Gees way
to much.  He gets a cleaver and kills the shit out of many of them.  Basic? Yes but god damn amazing.  I hope this is not the last we see of the Gingerdead Man but if it is its one hell of a way to exit the series. 


P.S.  Did I mention Hitler roller skates in this? well he does.


3.5/5

Tromeric

The Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion of the Crust- Sylvia St. Croix

     Gary Busey couldn't wipe all the coke off his nose to reprise his roll for this bad ass sequel, wither that or his "God" doesn't have a sense of humor and didn't approve of a crucified cookie.  It doesn't matter even without the Buse this movie is bad ass.
     This is a movie within a movie. Its like Full Moon's 8 1/2 or New Nightmare.  Autobiographical in many ways constantly poking fun of itself and full of references and one liners that would make Media Home entertainment blush. Now we get into cameos. Wow. We have everyone from David DeCoteau to John Carl Buechler. Adam Green to Gregory Nicotero and I can't forget Michelle Bauer.
     The production is up quite a bit from the first one.  The effects are not mind blowing but they are perfect for a \Full Moon feature about a carnivorous cookie.  The acting is up a bit as well. I'm guessing they didn't refuse to get out of the wheelchair for the entire shoot or O.D. in a hotel room just to stay in character but it's not painful. Full Moon plays it smart keeping it at just over an hour long.  Feeling the need to stretch these movies out is a common mistake made by many but this is paced just right.  The theme song is a complete rip off of Joan Jett's Bad Reputation. I mean  it. A rip off. It rules though.
     In the end this is a great follow up to the original and surpasses it on most levels, pretty much all of em aside from not having Gary Busey.  It's fun from start to finish and is a reminder of why we all still watch movies from Full Moon decades since we started.  Did I mention there is a crucified cookie?

3.5/5

The Gingerdead Man- Charles Band

     I was summoned out of my moms vagina already watching Full Moon movies.  If it had a toy or something small that killed I wanted to watch it, memorize it and quote it till my friends kicked me in the dick from irritation(which happened more than once).  After Full Moon lost their deal with Paramount I started to loose interest but out of loyalty still would rent pretty much everything they put out.  In 2005 I saw that Gary Busey was starring in a movie by full moon about a evil cookie.  I blew my load all over my grandmas Christmas cookies she was making. I had to have it. I went to the video store and grabbed it went home and had my mind blown. Well at least mildly amused.
     You have seen this before. Whether it was Jack Frost or Monsturd.  Who cares it works every time.   A dude is brought back to life as some inanimate object and kills some bitches. If its not broke why fix it?  Criterion may not be putting this out but I will stand by the Gingerdead Man and pretty much everything Charles Band puts his name on.
     Follow in Busey's name grab some friends snort a line, have a drink and engorge yourself with this cookie. You may shit all over the place but God damn it tastes good while your eating it.

Tromeric

2.5/5