A good laugh is
hard to find, especially in motion pictures.
I’m a
sore-headed old crank who hates on a lot of modern age crap, but I feel like my
loathing for banal, modern day comedies is justified. Am I really expected to
pay $15 to see Adam Sandler play a grown man acting like a child… again?
Luckily there is
one avenue of comedy that will always flourish, due to creative ineptitude and
downright insanity. I’m talking about those movies that are skull-shatteringly
hilarious without ever intended to be. Rancid turds like The Room, cheap horror crap like Troll 2 and the epic, musical madness of The Rocky Horror Picture Show and it’s many rip-offs.
The
so-bad-it’s-good category of cinema is not for everyone, but for those of us
who enjoy flamboyance and expoilation, and have a taste for the bizarre, a good
laugh will always be just one terrible movie away. So when Tromeric asked me to
send him my top 10 yucks list, I decided to break bad.
THE TOP TEN UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY FILMS
Ranked
backwards!
1.
BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS
This Russ Meyer vehicle
is schlock cinema gone berserk – a boner inducing rock epic about a band of
busty babes who end up in tailspins of drugs and murder. Rated X upon its initial release in 1970,
this grinder has since found a hefty cult following with its screeching songs,
bouncy breasts, and downright strange kill scenes.
Hilariously
enough, this exploitation film, which is filled with graphic violence towards
near-naked women, was written by future film critic Roger Ebert, who ten years
later would go on a moral crusade against slasher movies like Friday the 13th for their
depictions of graphic violence towards near-naked women.
2.
THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY
Speaking of
slasher movies, I don’t give a shit how many axe-wielding maniacs you’ve sat
through – you have not seen the worst slasher movie of all time until you’ve
seen the otherworldly feces hurricane that is The Last Slumber Party. From its blurry film quality, to its choppy
editing, to its fucking awful plot, this steaming bowl of gorilla vomit is
widely regarded as the absolute worst slasher film by hardcore horror nuts like
myself. Its not just generic, it is downright fucking lazy, surpassing even its
own cheapness with an incredible lack of effort and imagination.
While the
elements of cheese here are enough to open a Velveta factory, that only does so
much to add to the tolerability of this dick snot. But if you are a true veteran of the bad
movie circuit, and consider yourself a videovore of the lost VHS craze, then
this is the one flick that will truly test your fanboy limits. Most of you will
come away with your brain melting out of your ear, but if you’re a sick man in
need of medication (as I am), you’ll find some golden nuggets in this old turd.
Here is the
poster for Invasion U.S.A. If you’re
not laughing already, then you’re probably an asshole. Part Rambo
and part Red Dawn, this one-man-army
epic stars walking joke Chuck Norris as a denim clad, dual Uzi, truck driving,
meat eater who single handedly saves America from every enemy we’ve ever had.
Check out this clip : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Milq4Z03s7U
Cannon
Films: Always the mark of quality.
4.
DEATH WISH 3
The first Death Wish film, starring Mandom legend
Charles Bronson, was a stark social commentary on vigilante justice during New
York City’s dangerous 1970’s era. The sequels, however, are pure exploitation
cinema, and none are more over the top than Death
Wish 3. This action romp boast an insane body count, some absurd punk
hoodlums, a generic recycled score, and Bronson toting around a machine gun
while another guy carries the box of bullets for him.
Cannon
Films: Always the mark of quality.
5.
DEADLY PREY
Okay, so I have
a thing for one-man-army movies. But if Bronson and Norris are just too high
production value to tickle you, then go with the dollar store equivalent! The
Prior brothers, who brought us such camp horror gems as Killer Workout and Sledgehammer,
jumped on the Rambo bandwagon during the VHS boom and unleashed this hammy soldier
flick. What’s not to love about muscle-bound, former Playgirl pinup Ted Prior
running through the woods with a blonde mullet and nothing covering him other
than a pair of jorts? Throw in a huge body count, bat-shit crazy action
sequences, and some monologues that will have you on the floor, pissing a hysterical
fit, and you have one quality bad movie indeed.
For
more on Deadly Prey and its new
sequel, check out my interview with Ted Prior here: http://tavernofterror.com/2013/09/ted-prior/
6.
SHOCK ‘EM DEAD
From the
moment the cheap video credits spin onto the screen and you hear “Purple Haze”
being sodomized, you know you’re in for a shit-show. Shock ‘Em Dead is
an enormously flawed heavy metal horror film, from its awkward juxtaposition, to
its wretched acting, to its downright stupid storyline. But it serves as
a time capsule for 1990, which was the tail end of the hair metal era. Also, it
is so bad it is completely and utterly hilarious. The massive hair, the lame
music, the cheesy effects, and all those outfits that put Cool As Ice and
Twin Sitters to shame, make for one hell of a good time.
Shock ‘Em Dead, despite itself, is enormously entertaining. While the
flick fails in the blood and guts department, it revels in gratuitous boob
shots, giving you some double-D delight at six minutes in, and getting every
woman in the movie to take her top off (except Traci Lords… sigh).
You can
check out my detailed review of this stinker here: http://tavernofterror.com/2013/03/shock-you-like-a-hurricane/
7.
SAVAGE
STREETS
We’ve already covered busty babes and
one-man-army movies, but Savage Streets
magically combines the two to give you a one-busty-woman-army movie. Out for
revenge for her raped sister (scream queen Linnea Quigley), a jiggly teen
(scream queen Linda Blair) goes on a crossbow-fueled killing spree. Oozing sex
in her leather jumpsuit, Linda spouts off corny dialogue that is only topped by
her crusty principle (John Vernon).
“Go fuck
an iceberg!”
The movie also has the greatest
soundtrack on this, or any, list.
Just listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dpx0gLdrlLA
Another hair metal shocker, this
horror romp showcases the rock band Thor in a tale about a band facing off
against demons (cheap puppets) in a remote cabin. This one was actually
parodied by Mystery Science Theater, which in my opinion is pointless, because
the film is hilarious enough all on its own.
Take a look: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPbzOKF55xE
9.
STEELE
JUSTICE
If you only see one bad action movie
off of this list, make it Steele Justice.
Starring Martin Kove of Karate Kid and King Cobra commercial fame, this
one-man-army epic is about a Vietnam vet who was kicked off the police force
for playing by his own rules, so now he is a renegade cowboy.
Even McBain from The Simpsons didn’t push it that much.
In this cheese wheel, said renegade
cowboy turns vigilante after his former partner is killed by none other than
his old enemies from Vietnam! Woah!
Filled with 80’s movie clichés and
quirks (including a random dance video), co-staring Ronny Cox and Shannon
Tweed, and bursting with post-war angst, this is a lost treasure that while
hard to unearth is well worth the hunt.
Behold the rad trailer:
10.
THE
APPLE
Now we
come to the alpha of bad movies - the single, most pungent, golden turd in the
history of terrible fucking movies.
The Apple is a musical made in 1979
about the dark future world of 1994. It is also a retelling of the Adam and Eve
story set to fucking disco music. It is also so flamboyantly gay that it makes The Rocky Horror Picture Show look like
an episode of Dragnet.
Featuring
bad actors reciting even worse dialogue, annoying songs you won’t be able to
get out of your head with a master cleanse, and an ending so retarded that you
will want to rip out your own eyes and somehow shit in the sockets, The Apple is my top pick for the best
bad movie of all time.
Cannon Films:
Always the mark of quality.
If you
need more selling, there’s also a choreographed sequence to a song that is all
about fucking.
HEY HEY HEY! BIM’S ON THE WAY!
Kristopher
Triana is an author and the head of Tavern of Terror, the horror webpage that reviews scary movies and
suggests what brews go best with them. He loves bad movies and 80’s metal more
than is reasonably sensible. Follow him at kristophertriana.com and
tavernofterror.com, and you cool kids can stalk the subsequent facebook and
instagrams.
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