Trick 'r Treat- Michael Dougherty

Its like watching your first horror movie, or going to your first haunted house, or reading your first EC Comic, or reading your first Edgar Allan Poe story. Its a feeling that can rarly be recreated but when it happens its bliss. Trick r Treat is the perfect horror film, it may not be the best but it is scary, funny, clever, mysterious, interesting, shocking, twisted and fun. This will be a Halloween tradition for everyone while not being limited to that. After watching it I feel like a preist in a daycare.


5/5

Eric

Children of the Corn(2009)- Donald P. Borchers

So this time around Linda Hamilton turned black and started dating pat smear the Soul Reaper, and Peter Horton is actually a international Spy/Terrorist. Dexter's Stepson Wears a hat that he bought at the state Fair's humorous giant hat booth. The married couple this time don't like each other that much which leads to some hilarious antics, and since hes a Vietnam vet he gets to have sweet flashbacks where the guy that did the effects for laser blast puts in his two cents. Overall this is pretty bad, but I will say all the Kid deaths are awesome, surprisingly brutal, snapping a fat kids neck and impaling a four year olds jugular is pretty god damn funny, and awesome, when the kid is hit by the car, wow...rent this shit and if you enjoy seeing kids get obliterated u can look past the fact that nothing that made the original kind of frightening or interesting is here, but like I said Kids get the fuck killed out of them.

1.5/5

Eric

Spaced Invaders- Patrick Read Johnson

Holy Shit I love this movie way more than I should, I have loved this movie since I rented it on my way home from school in the fifth grade, Royal Danno plays pretty much the same character he played in killer klowns from outer space. The aliens are fucking hilarious, “or in your case a whole loaf of toast” Fucking genius. I could go on and on but if you enjoy aliens who invade the wrong planet due to the war of the worlds broadcast and make sweet jokes written for a ten year old while a crazy old man with a dog tries to save his farm from a rich asshole by proving the existence of aliens cinema like I do than I suggest tracking this down in the nearest best buy $5.99 section and sit back and laugh your balls or vah-JJ off

4/5

Eric

Postal- Uwe Boll

Never have I actually enjoyed a Uwe Boll film this much, sure usually I enjoy the awfulness and the masochist in me enjoys the torture and strength it takes to get through one all the way, similar to the rush of watching Blood Freak. Not this time, I laughed my god damn ass off, its amazing from start to finish, absurdly wonderful, the scene with Mr. Uwe Boll himself is so fucking funny I shot Schlitz malt liquor out my nose and nearly shit my draws.

3.5/5


Eric

Red Dragon- Bret Ratner

Silence of the Lambs is a masterpiece. Hannibal however was a steaming pile of donkey dick. So when I heard about Red Dragon I was excited but leery. Then I heard the man who brought us such turd’s as the rush hour movies I was even more hesitant. Low and behold I was pleasantly surprised. It went back to the original tone and not so campy, Riddley Scott should stick to movies with demi more about strippers, at least we expect for them to suck. The cast is excellent, everyone is on their game and the story its self is more interesting, I almost thought I liked it more than Silence of the lambs, but then after returning to that. I realized it would never be beat. Since then Hannibal rising has been released which ill stick right next to Hannibal, where it belongs. Straight up a lemurs recently felched ass.

4/5

Eric

Aliens in the Attic- John Schultz

From the director of the making of Jurassic Park comes the best kids alien invasion movie since Spaced Invaders. Holy shit son, I was so fucking stoked on this, or in the words of Steph, Stocked, like a grocery store. These aliens are fucking funny. Fucking buddy from wings and spideys boss are pissed and they can make sweet video game characters. Grandma from Grandmas boy can matrix fight. I laughed my balls off. Andy Richter, holy shit i love this dude, hes like do what you want, Tim meadows is like I'm a cop, get drunk and enjoy this great fucking movie, Kevin Nealon isn't stoned enough, Tiny Martianzilla fight, its like mothra vs high school the musical. Boner Jamz o9...

3.5/5


Eric

Embrace the Vampire- Anne Goursaud

Creator of Penthouse produced this, the little girl from Who's the Boss gets Cray Cray and lezbos out and shows some skin, and by skin I mean titties, so that rules. Entertaining enough to sit through, some parts of this movie work surprisingly well, some are obviously done for skinemax, which isn't bad, but...what the fuck ever, not a clasick by any means but if you get a few cold ones in ya and wanna watch some horny vamps, watch the The Living Dead Girl, and then when your done and about to fall asleep, put this in.


1.5/5

Eric

Humanoids from the Deep- Barbara Peters

Classic 80's Creature Feature. Surprisingly gory and Brutal. Gratuitous nudity and great effects thanks to Mr. Bottin. The Noids Great grandpappys come to a small fishing town to do what any self respecting creature would do, kill some dudes and rape some bitches. They need to up the population so they are here to TCB. Not a whole lot to write that hasn't been said a million times, this is a classic of the sleazy 80s and deserves a spot on every horror nerds shelf.

3.5/5

Eric

Header- Archibald Flancranstin

What is a Header? A header is a fucking genius idea thought up by a sick fuck. But I kinda wanna do it, forget conventional boring sex like missionary or just plain ol Necrophilia, with a header you get to cut a hole in a corpses head and fuck it. Make sure its a clean hole though or you may get skull fragments in your dick hole. Decent attempt at this Edward Lee adaptation, Acting is not the best but it works, kind of a Vincent Gallo style, Edward Lee and Jack Ketchum have cameos, and you wont be bored. If your not into Header's you are just closed minded. Track this down and crack open a cold one(Pun intended).


3.5/5

Eric

Things- Andrew Jordon

Wow, I made this move when I was 5 years old, just snorted a bunch of Blow, Shotgunned a fifth of tequila, and got a camera out of a cereal box. In fact I think every horror nerd made this movie at some point when they were a kid. You get your friends a shitty camcorder, and props out of your toy bin. Sounds awful, well it is, however this goes in the so bad its good category, right up there with Plan 9, Troll 2, and Blood Freak, with that said it is even more entertaining that all of those, and that's saying something as i have a huge(well huge for me) boner for those movies. Everything about this sucks so good, its like john cougar mellencamp only it doesn't suck, well actually it does, anyways. somehow this works, the stuffed animal creatures rule, the actors are straight out of the later films of Bresson with their monotone dialog, This is Art people, it is not easy to make something this bad, it takes the right people, and we found em, they live in Canada and somehow got Amber Lynn to take a break from Friday the 13th A Nude Beginning to be in it. They also got some of the creatures to take a break from Over-Sexed Rug suckers from Mars and grace the screen once again. Track this piece of shit down and wallow in its filth as if you were trying to get the Swine Flu.

3/5

Eric

Smash Cut-Lee Demarbre

The Man that brought you Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter brings the fun with this homage to Hershell Gordon Lewis. Now I know you are saying hasn't it already been brought, and correct you are but this doesn't loose its steam the way that J.C.V.H. did. I love that movie but if it wasn't for the first half hour I might not remember it so pleasantly, its like the Saving Private Ryan of Christploitation movies. Off the point, back from break. This movie is fun as a thousand Soapies, David Hess is hilarious, Micheal Berrymen is in his prime with what may be the best wig since cousin It. Sasha Grey, well what can I say? I love this girl, So hot, Hilarious and is DTF. Its nice to see Ray Sager in this, even ol Hershell graces us with his presence. Basic Plot(not that it matters) David Hess makes a child's play movie with Mr. Bill playing chucky. The Great looking crowed treats him as if he is Uwe Boll, He goes and gets a lap dance, takes the stripper with him, they get in a accident and he realizes he can use her dead body to make the effects look sweet. He then realizes he needs more body's, so he gets them, basic yes, but entertaining from start to finish, I felt the same way I did the first time I watched Gore Gore Girls, J.C.V.H. buddy balances the level of cheese and gore gags with interesting story(basic as it is), surreal acting, and fun, fun, fun. When it comes down to it that's what matters is i had a fucking blast.

3.5/5

Eric

Antichrist- Lars Von Trier

Holy Shit Lars Von Trier is a pretentious Fuck. With that said, I fucking love him. Dancer in the Dark made me cry like a little bitch that just got fingered by her uncle for the first time, the Kingdom was creepy and Amazing and Dogville had such a beautiful set design considering it was just a fucking chalk board. I have been excited about this since it was first announced. Lars Von Trier doing a horror film, granted it is not a traditional horror film but fucking Jesus some of the imagery scared the bejesus out of me. It starts off with Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg Fucking super hard while their child pulls a Eric Clapton Jr. The rest of the film is them dealing with their grief, they end up going to Eden, deep in the woods where all hell breaks loose(No pun intended). Moments of Homeward Bound, Willem Dafoe pulls one of my favorite Cannibal Corpse songs and it rhymes with I Rum Flood, This movie made me Squirm(no worms though) and that rarely happens. This might be the best movie Ive seen this year. Stop Jerkin Your Gerkin and go see it or Use the Future and on demand it.

4.5/5

Eric

House of the dead(funny version)- Uwe Boll

Oh my god, Uwe ball rulz my ballz. He sucks Jesus cock. He is the New Ed wood. He boxed some dudes like Mike Tyson, no ear eating though. This movie sucked. Video game footage is not good, but it rulz. This version made me laugh so hard i came funny cum. That's like cum with word balloons. Brian USAed secret cutted me. Gross, y0ung Louis Lane shows her ta ta's. Nice. I searched for this movie like Columbus searched for America, this movie is better than America, fiveial has helathcare. Watch this if you have a sense of humor, if not watch meet the parents. Ed or Edna, that's what i say.

Movie .5/5 This version 4/5

Eric

One-Eyed Monster- Adam Fields

The hedgehog has a big donkaroo. I met him once. He was realy smart, argued with jesus dude about poon and its evills. Amber benson rules, when i watched buffy my virginity grew back, oh well. I guess if you Make a killer dick movie u might as well use his cockadango. This movie is sweet... nuf said

2.5/5
Tromeric

Coraline- Henry Selick

Its like Tideland without the heroin vacations. I wanted to watch this in 3D but Tony is Mexican and a pussy. Great Digital animation, way better than that corpse bride bullshit. Moments reminded me of monster house. which is as good as the burbs but this is not the burbs, Louis Lane is a bitchy useless mom, dad looks like eon from ghostbusters, fake dad looks like fat eon. Take s a whole 15 Min's to get going so if you are lazy like tony then that might be to long, but i thought it ruled donkey balls. Sweet as shit after sour tarts, the soft kind.

3/5

Eric

Thirst- Chan-wook Park

Oldboy gave me a boner, not in a weird way like oh hot hes fucking his kin kind of way , but in a sweet, this is fucking badass to the core way. Vampires are not as sweet as other monsters, there are a few exceptions like Let the right one in and some of the classics like Vampyre and Nosferatu. With that said Thirst is bad ass, a priest becomes a vampire and learns how to fuck and kill, like Menacer he is bad ass. This movie is beautiful and surprisingly gory. Buddy from the host takes a break from killing giant creatures to killing people to eat some blood sandwiches. Hes hungry, like the guy from the manwhich commercials. I'm drunk, which is surprising since this a drunken website. i could go on, long story short this movie is badassery to the core of the earth.

4/5

Eric