The Life and Death(eventual) of a Horror Nerd

    Having a lazy day watching hours upon hours of horror documentary's has made me all kinds of  reflective on my choices that led me to the lifestyle of a horror nerd. What causes this? I invite you through my mad musings looking back at some of the monumental events that made me this way. As I said earlier I am feeling reflective so this is not my usual type of article but hopefully I can add some insight into what makes someone commit to having most of their life be dedicated to something so macabre. Part History, part observation, a little bit of bullshit and full of comparisons and anecdotes(OK maybe it is like one of my reviews).
     If I think back to my childhood most of my memories are of the first time I saw Jason Vorhees, the first time I ate a bowl of Count Chocula, the first time I heard Iron Maiden. These were all momentousness times in my life. I remember being asked to write a short story in fourth grade, I of course wrote a story about a deranged killer, it was total garbage and derivative of all the horror films I had seen at that time but I was proud of it, I even drew a picture of the killer(basically a mixture of Leatherface, Freddy, Jason, Ash and Pinhead), I turned it in and went home. My mom received a phone call that night from my teacher who was less than impressed with my story.  Not because of how it was written but because she was appalled that I would write such a thing. She told my mom I needed therapy. My mom of course told her that I just had a vivid imagination and that I was fine.  She of course was right, I would never hurt someone. I was a very mellow child. I was polite, I didn't start fights I just liked to watch bitches get their faces ripped off on screen. Lucky for me my mom saw no problem with this. I was lucky enough to have a mom that supported my love of all things horror.  She from a young age had no problem with me watching or reading pretty much anything but she would constantly reiterate that it was not real. 

     My  love of horror just continued to escalate, by fifth grade the VHS boom was full blown and we finally had a player. I would stop by the video store every day on my way home from school and grab anything that had a monster, an axe, blood, a warning label, well basically anything in the horror section.  I went through these like crazy. I mean I devoured them. If I liked em I would just rewind(yeah rewind) them and play em all over again. I think I watched A Nightmare on Elm St 3:Dream Warriors four times in a row the first time I rented it, not to mention the Dokken video at the end that I must of watched thirty times. It didn't stop with movies. I would go to the library and get anything with Stephen King or Clive Barkers name on it. I used my allowance to buy Fangoria every month and I would cut out all the pictures and hang them on my wall or put them on my trapper keeper which of course would get more calls home from school.
    In middle school a lot of things changed in my life. I left my moms and moved into my grandparents house. I went to school in the next town over and probably the most important thing happened. I saw A Clockwork Orange. The reason this is so significant is that it changed the way I watched movies.  I mean Clockwork Orange blew my mind so much that I wanted to know who was the madman behind it. Stanley Kubrick. I then went to the video store and rented one after another, every movie that had Kubrick's name on it. This was the first time I paid attention to who directed a film. I then started to do it with other directors and my life had changed yet again. This is the only time in my life I took a sabbatical from horror.

     The ninety's were  my least favorite decade in horror, there were a few gems but for a small window of time due to my discovery of a whole new world(you know its stuck in your head now) of film I kind of lost my interest. Now instead of going to horror section I would use my newly purchased books on film to go through the likes of everything from Coppola to John Waters, from Godard to David Lynch. I just couldn't stop. Scorsese, Truffaut, Fellini,  Kurosawa, Bergman, Herzog and on and on and on. I then saw Reservoir Dogs  which started my journey through independent cinema. I would go and look for anything that looked like it was gonna be gritty, bizarre, and weird. This is where I found Jim Jarmusch, Greg Araki, Harmony Korine, Lars Von Trier, Richard Linklater, Todd Solondz and on and on and on. I hadn't completely given up on horror but this is the one time in my life it was on the back burner.  I would still revisit classics like Freddy, or the Evil Dead films.  To be honest I don't fully remember what put me back on the horror track but I think it just kind of was always there.  I still had stacks and stacks of VHS I had collected through the years. My room still had some horror posters on the wall but i was just so engulfed in Cult/Arthouse/ Independent films that I didn't give it the time I once had. This of course all changed.

     By Y2K Gabe Nye the Science Guy, Jeremy Gaulkenstein, Jacob Von Klingele, Jimmy Caution, The Keith Initiative  and many more would spend our days drinking coffee, smoking smokes, and talking film and horror was always the main subject.  In 2002 during our regular coffee sesh we decided we wanted to do a horror marathon, not just like a one day event but like a week or so. We would watch a list of films we determined and review them and put out a zine when all was done.  We started coming up with films to be included. As we made the list we quickly realized it was gonna take longer than a week. In the end we decided to do the 49 days of horror. We went from Friday the 13th till Halloween.  Everyday we would walk to the store, get beer and smokes and sit in my dank ass basement and watch horror films till we passed out and would wake up and start over again. It was a blast but of course we never got around to putting out the zine. Jump ahead another year and while at coffee we decided we were gonna try it again, only not nearly as big. We started making lists again. this time we did it in categories. We had Friday the 13th day, a Cannibal day, surreal day, Naked Massacre Night(yes we got naked and watched all the slumber/sorority/ cheerleader massacre movies),  Critters day, and so many more. In the end we ended up with 50 days. We did from Friday the 12th(The opening of Cabin Fever) till Halloween.  It was a blast. Every day we would go out rent/buy/borrow movies grab our booze and smokes and sit in my trailer(I upgraded) and go through our lists. We were serious we had everything mapped out on a graph that we had proudly posted on my door. I think in the end we did over four hundred films(quite a bit as I was working about 30 hours a week).  This time I was determined to actually put out the zine. We had notebooks all over and if you were there you were required to write a review. We had so many and it would of been epic but my trailer flooded and all the notebooks were ruined.

     Since this I have not looked back. I eat, sleep and breath horror.  Jacob Von Klingele and I opened a store called Videodrome dedicated to helping people in the shit town we lived in find obscure films and memorabilia.  I have driven hundreds of miles to meet actors and directors. Every month I pick up Fangoria, Rue Morgue, Horror Hound, and many of other magazines depending whats inside.  I read blogs, websites, and continuously pick up horror memoirs, and reference guides.  I am constantly buying, renting, downloading, netflixing and borrowing any horror film I can get my hands on.  Its not just movies. I will buy things just because they are horror themed. October is an expensive month as there are lots of thing I want for the whole year that I can only get around Halloween. I drop a ridiculous amount of cash on cereal as its the only time I can get my Count Chocula, Boo Berry and Frankenberry. I will buy six bottles of hand soap just because it has pumpkins on it. I will buy rolls and rolls of paper towels because there are witches on them. If I am gonna wipe up my vomit I might as well use monster themed towels.  I have an oven mitt that's a skull, cups with severed heads towels with vampires and skulls. I only drink my coffee out of mugs with the likes of the black dahlia or Subconscious Cruelty(or ALF).Ninety percent of my cloths are from horror films. All I am saying is horror is a lifestyle.  Its a commitment. It is not by any means the only thing I do but it takes up a large percentage of my activities. I am glad. Horror has brought me so many opportunities and friendships. There are people I have never met and when I see a trailer I have to share it.  If I see someone wearing a shirt from Fright Rags its like an invitation. Hey lets bullshit. Horror has and always will be there. You may have to sift through a lot of shit(or just wait for me to) but its there and I will wallow in it till the day I die.

Tromeric



    

Tentacles- Ovidio G. Assonitis

     It's like Jaws but with a giant sea creature. Wait. Its like Jaws but it takes place in the ocean. Wait again. Its like Jaws but its kinda boring but has some bad ass moments. Wait.  God damn it this is Jaws just with an octopussy instead of a shark.
      As many have figured out I love giant animal movies. I don't even care if they are total shit, which they usually are. This is no exception. It's kinda slow, not a lot happens and overall its a turd but I still watch it from time to time. You can figure out what happens in this its basic and kinda boring but have some drinks and its always fun to see animals kill people.  Highlight of this is seeing Shamu fight the octopus. Its like Zombie vs Shark but there are no punk songs written about it.  Final thought total shit but I love shit.

1.5/5


Tromeric

Jaws of Satan- Bob Claver

     Bob Claver yeah the Bob Claver that directed a bunch of the key episodes of the best sitcom outside of Alf. Yeah I am talking about Small Wonder mother fuckers, well he brings us a movie with the most believable premise since The Blind Side.  Is that huge ass snake Satan incarnate? Why yes it is.
     It starts off a little slow but once a priest a witch and a snake meet up and start fucking shit up you cant help but enjoy this shit.  A cobra who so happens to be Satan shows up and makes other snakes such as rattlers do sweet things like stand up and slowly harass a semi naked woman in bed for about as long as the shower scene in House on the edge of the Park. We find out Satan is after this priest and one priest says to another "a priest would make a bright flame in hell." That quote alone makes this movie way better than you.
     It was made in the early 80's, it's kinda slow, it is however pretty badass and sure you may need some drinks and some friends to make fun of it with but all in all Jaws of Satan is a fun ride. It's like that girl you met at the bar.  It's a lot of fun but you may not talk about it ever again.

2/5


Tromeric

Slime City Massacre- Greg Lamberson

    Slime city Massacre is the follow up to the 1988 classic slime/gore film from Greg Lamberson. It is two stories interwoven to tell of the past and future.  In the fifties we see a wackadoo cult that loves flesh and yogurt and shine.  We then see some squatters in the future that find the yogurt/shine and indulge and become covered in Nickelodeon Gak.  This makes them horny so they fuck and slime each other all up and go kill some vagrants. Roy Frumkeys(the man that brought us another classic slime movie from the 80's Street Trash) shows up as Donald Trump and wants Slime City so he sends in a clean up crew to take out the bums, one of which looks like Jim Jarmusch had sex with a crite hunter. Chaos ensues and everyone gets all slimed up.
      Slime City Massacre feels more like a post apocalyptic thriller from the 80's than its predecessor which was more of a straight up gore/splatter fest. There is plenty of great gags in in don't get me wrong it just seems to be on a completely different playing field then the original.
     Slime City Massacres biggest problem is that its to ambitious. I feel bad saying that but the budgetary restraints are obvious and it can kind of take you out of the story. On the other hand in their defense what they did with such a modest budget should be applauded. The appliances and practical special effects are fun and very reminiscent of the eighties, I love the slime and the colors and there is a great beheading and Debbie Rochon turns into a bathtub of goo that is just a face and its fucking gross.  When she emerges from the tub  with a vagina that stretches taint to tits you can't help but rejoice.
    This film does fall into problems with some of the CGI they use.  I like many prefer practical over CG but there are times it has worked for me.  This movie is full of times where it didn't though. A tongue scene in particular  made me cringe and not in a good way.  They added some extra splatter via computer and while not perfect I could look the other way on that.  As I said earlier on problem is it is to ambitious.  There is a lot of social commentary here but it feels pushed at points and gets a little convoluted.  My biggest complaint is some of the sound design.  The screaming is god awful. They reuse the scream that you have heard a thousand times that is on every sound effect CD.  You can hear the sound come and go at points and that kind of takes you out of the story. One place the sound does work is the melting and slicing. It adds a lot to what you are seeing on screen.
      Slime City Massacre is far from a masterpiece.  It has its flaws, however it almost wears them as a badge of honer. The sets are amazing and you believe you are in this total shit infested ghost city(probably because you are, I believe they filmed in Buffalo).  I,  like this chef I know like to watch people melt, if there's slime I have time is the motto I just made up now.  If you are a fan of the original or like low budget slimy, gooey, gory fun seek this out. It won't blow your mind but it may melt it a bit.  Or at least that bottle you drink while watching it will.

3.5/5

Tromeric

Bad Movie Marathon

FOUR MEN. FOUR BLOGS. FIVE AND A HALF HOURS OF THE MOST AMAZING BAD MOVIE ACTION EVER THRUST UPON EXISTENCE!!

THIS. IS. THE...

NETFLIX INSTANT BAD MOVIE MARATHON!

 (Part 1: Introduction to Destruction)

WHEN:

SATURDAY, JUNE 4TH, 2011

(itinerary below)

WHERE:

NETFLIX INSTANT

ON TWITTER

ON YOUR BLOG SITE

ON FACEBOOK

ANYWHERE YOU WANT IT TO BE!

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

Myself and Mr. Gable,  Morbidementia, and Vincent, The Fuzzy Skeletonian have planned and plotted out a single night for the ENTIRE WORLD to sit down and join together for a night of bad movie insanity via Netflix Instant!

What is going to happen is that on Saturday, June 4th starting at 8:30e/7:30c/6:30m/5:30p time we will begin a 3 movie marathon. During the marathon you can find us on twitter throwing out MST3K style comments and other random shit while we are watching the movie.

And you’re invited.

HERE’S WHAT YOU CAN DO:

Join us! Print out the itinerary below, fire up your Netflix Instant player either on your computer (you need to download a plug-in/software FYI) or on your TV. Then either follow us on Twitter while you’re watching and laugh at the ridiculousness of the movies and our stupid comments in real time OR you can participate!

In the comments section here, post your Twitter handle so everyone can follow you along with us. (On Twitter you can add people to a list so that’s what I’m going to do…just add everyone I know is participating into a single list. ALSO, we will be using hashtags. So with each post put #badnetflix at the end so everyone following us can click those and see all of us throwing down on these shitty movies)

OR…get fucking crazy with it. Vincent, The Fuzzy Skeletonian’s blog is primarily an art blog so he might try his hand at sketching out quick art based on his feelings towards the movie. Feel free to make it your own! You can do things like that or you can just update with a live blog, post on your facebook page, do a live coverage of the evening, video tape yourself doing this thing live, WHATEVER YOU WANT! But whatever it is that you do, let us know so we can all follow along!

WHERE CAN YOU FIND US?

Mr. Gable - @mrgablesreality

Vincent, The Fuzzy Skeletonian - @vinstem

Tromeric - @tromeric

Morbidementia - @morbidementia

ALRIGHT ALREADY! WHAT ARE WE WATCHING!?

2008. 95 minutes. Not Rated.

Directed by Uwe Boll (notorious bad movie director)

Notable Stars: Udo Kier, Don S. Davis

IMDb Rating: 3.3/10 stars

1983. 100 minutes. Rated PG.

Directed by Luigi Cozzi (ah fuck yes, an Italian production!)

Notable Stars: Lou Ferrigno, Sybil Danning

IMDb Rating: 3.0/10 stars

I beg you not to watch the trailer. I haven’t. This movie is going to be INSANE. I am not going to spoil even ONE second of it. I know that Lou Ferrigno throws a bear into outer space…I already know too much.

2008. 100 minutes. Not Rated.

Directed by the same guys as Monsturd.

Notable Stars: Nobody.

IMDb Rating: 4.2/10 stars

WHAT TIME SHOULD YOU TUNE IN?

(ALL TIMES PM)

FAR CRY - BEGINS AT 8:30e/7:30c/6:30m/5:30p

*15 minute break*

HERCULES - BEGINS AT 10:20e/9:20c/8:20m/7:20p

*15 minute break*

RETARDEAD - BEGINS AT 12:15(am)e/11:15c/10:15m/9:15p

The 15 minute breaks are there so we all have time to hit the bathroom, grab some munchies, mix another drink, update/check twitter, gear up the next movie, etc.

LAST WORDS:

I just want to thank everyone in advance for your participation. This is really cool and we’re all excited to watch movies with people that we only get to talk to over the internet. It’s neat that we can all get together, coast to coast, and watch movies together, LIVE. I look forward to seeing what you all can do with it. It should be a grand ole time.

If you have any questions, feel free to email Mr. Gable at: mrgablesreality@hotmail.com

Twitter will never be the same.

(Sidenote: someone should tell Uwe Boll. He’s going to SHIT when he sees dozens of people ragging on his movie.)

Red White and Blue- Simon Rumley

     I am not gonna pussyfoot around. Red White and Blue is one of the best movies I have seen in a long fucking time. I am also not gonna hold back in telling you that it is also one of the most fucked up, brutal, insane, pain inducing films I have seen this side of Serbia.  There is no intro it just starts and at first the cuts are a little weird and off putting but once the film starts moving you care about as much as a frat boy cares about his sister fraternity girls butt hole, and that's not much just to be clear. It doesn't count if she doesn't remember,  right?
     Red White and Blue is kinda like fisting a mentally handicapped pregnant woman, and not the nice way of fisting where you start with your fingers in a diamond formation but the hardcore I am gonna punch this prego sped in the clam kind of fisting.
     As far as the technical bullshit goes, for being a film that I imagine was created with a pretty modest budget this delivers.  As I mentioned earlier in the beginning the editing seems a little off but by the end I thought it worked perfect. The lighting and sound are simple and fitting to the bleak world Rumley has created.  The music is fucking great, as I am sure many have noticed music is very important to me and can make or break a movie. Richard Chester has created a score that at its core is simple and subdued but builds into a massive off beat monster waiting in your closet when your four to show you what Mr. Hands felt. The acting is top notch and includes another amazing performance from Mr. Ray Pie himself Marc Senter. The effects are used in moderation but there are plenty of WHAT THE FUCK!!!! moments.
     In closing Red White and Blue is a movie you must see.  I can't find one thing I wasn't happy as I assume the earlier paragraphs will reveal.  Things happen in this that I want to tell everyone about but I cant as that would be an asshole move, but seriously your jaw will drop.  This movie sucks you in and engulfs your imagination into seeing things that were not there. There is no good, no bad.  Nothing is sacred. Red White and Blue will own you and make you feel real dirty if you let it.


5/5

Amer- Hélène Cattet/ Bruno Forzani

     The French know how  to make a fucking movie. Weather your speaking of  the new wave with the likes of Godard or Truffaut or the recent batch of French badassness that Gasper Noe started with I Stand Alone and continued with Haute Tension, Inside, Martyrs, and Frontiers.  Amer is no exception.  It is in a league of its  own, thankfully Rosie O'Donnell has nothing to do with it.
     Yes Amer is a homage to the giallo but it is so much more than that.  It is a giallo. I think this would of been made even if Mario Bava and Dario Argento had never put on those black gloves. The colors are so fucking beautiful and vibrant. The music is straight out of the seventies and I mean that literally. The sound design is so god damn brilliant. Razors scraping flesh sound better on here than they do in a goth kids basement. 
    The story is split into three parts throughout a girls life.  It is not straight forward storytelling. It is metaphorical and leaves a lot to interpretation.
    If Mario Bava had been an art fag I am guessing he would of made Amer after he was done pounding David Lynch in the back of an art house.  I would like to say I would pay money to see that, black gloves, Snakeskin jackets and bukake. Yes please. 
     Seriously though Amer is a must see. It is a visual masterpiece that will take your brain and drown it in a bathtub full of existential water by a gloved  man who wants to slice your eyeball open in extreme close up. 


4.5/5

Tromeric

The Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver- William Buttler

     I was lucky enough to see Evil Bong 3 in the theater in 3D and Sniff-O-Rama.  It was great.  Charles Band and Jefferey Combs were supposed to be there and never showed up.  I was as disappointed  as that Ugly Betty actor was in his mom, granted I wont behead them with a samurai sword, albeit bad ass.  The whole night was great and I had a blast.  The highlight. Getting The Gingerdead Man box set. I of course already owned the first two but this was the only way to get part 3 for quite some while.  I passed on the first two to Gabe Nye the Science Guy who join me in this marathon although pretty much asleep the whole time. He was probly dreaming of the awesomeness that was on the screen in front of us.
     I love this whole series but this is by far the best. There are aspects of the other two I love but as a whole this is the king.  Entertaining from start to finish with some brilliant references. An overall homage to Carrie with nods to everything from Citizen Kane(which is appropriate as this is the Citizen Kane of Full Moon) to Field of Dreams not to mention( I guess I am) one of the most amazing Porky's references the human mind can fathom.
      Gingerdead Man travels back in time to hang out with sexy 70's roller skaters who like the Bee Gees way
to much.  He gets a cleaver and kills the shit out of many of them.  Basic? Yes but god damn amazing.  I hope this is not the last we see of the Gingerdead Man but if it is its one hell of a way to exit the series. 


P.S.  Did I mention Hitler roller skates in this? well he does.


3.5/5

Tromeric

The Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion of the Crust- Sylvia St. Croix

     Gary Busey couldn't wipe all the coke off his nose to reprise his roll for this bad ass sequel, wither that or his "God" doesn't have a sense of humor and didn't approve of a crucified cookie.  It doesn't matter even without the Buse this movie is bad ass.
     This is a movie within a movie. Its like Full Moon's 8 1/2 or New Nightmare.  Autobiographical in many ways constantly poking fun of itself and full of references and one liners that would make Media Home entertainment blush. Now we get into cameos. Wow. We have everyone from David DeCoteau to John Carl Buechler. Adam Green to Gregory Nicotero and I can't forget Michelle Bauer.
     The production is up quite a bit from the first one.  The effects are not mind blowing but they are perfect for a \Full Moon feature about a carnivorous cookie.  The acting is up a bit as well. I'm guessing they didn't refuse to get out of the wheelchair for the entire shoot or O.D. in a hotel room just to stay in character but it's not painful. Full Moon plays it smart keeping it at just over an hour long.  Feeling the need to stretch these movies out is a common mistake made by many but this is paced just right.  The theme song is a complete rip off of Joan Jett's Bad Reputation. I mean  it. A rip off. It rules though.
     In the end this is a great follow up to the original and surpasses it on most levels, pretty much all of em aside from not having Gary Busey.  It's fun from start to finish and is a reminder of why we all still watch movies from Full Moon decades since we started.  Did I mention there is a crucified cookie?

3.5/5

The Gingerdead Man- Charles Band

     I was summoned out of my moms vagina already watching Full Moon movies.  If it had a toy or something small that killed I wanted to watch it, memorize it and quote it till my friends kicked me in the dick from irritation(which happened more than once).  After Full Moon lost their deal with Paramount I started to loose interest but out of loyalty still would rent pretty much everything they put out.  In 2005 I saw that Gary Busey was starring in a movie by full moon about a evil cookie.  I blew my load all over my grandmas Christmas cookies she was making. I had to have it. I went to the video store and grabbed it went home and had my mind blown. Well at least mildly amused.
     You have seen this before. Whether it was Jack Frost or Monsturd.  Who cares it works every time.   A dude is brought back to life as some inanimate object and kills some bitches. If its not broke why fix it?  Criterion may not be putting this out but I will stand by the Gingerdead Man and pretty much everything Charles Band puts his name on.
     Follow in Busey's name grab some friends snort a line, have a drink and engorge yourself with this cookie. You may shit all over the place but God damn it tastes good while your eating it.

Tromeric

2.5/5

Stake Land- Jim Mickle

     Nun rape, baby eating and Danielle Harris prego.  This movie is basically my bucket list.  A follow up from the man that brought us Mulberry ST.  It's like The Road fucked Phantasm and Near Dark sat in the love pile it created and got pregnant from it.
     Desolate and empty and bleak are just three words that spring to mind.  After this movie you  will never see the glass half full again, even if you do you will pick it up and crush it with your hands pushing glass all into your body until blood runs out and opens a gateway to hell just because you know it is not half full and there is no point in trying to say it is. Seriously though this movie while being insanely bleak is also bad ass.  The Vampires will rip your face off and drink the blood out of your asshole.  They are not fucking around.  Stake Land is intense and dark while still being entertaining and brutal. The characters are interesting and very likable and you feel like you know them and could tell them about that time with your uncle in his "special van."  I mean you are that close with them.
     Jim Mickle has created something special here.  It may not be perfect but it is a nice addition to the vampire genre and its exciting to have a vampire movie with vampires that don't just write poetry and molest teen girls.  I assume this is a film that will get better with age.  It's like a fine wine that will bite your fucking face.


4/5

Tromeric