Guts and Grog Tooned Up

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Top 20 horror scores

 So we all know music makes a huge difference in how a film turns out. There is a classic story about people seeing Halloween before it was scored and thinking it was bullshit. We all know now that movie scares the fuck out me, still and Ive seen it well into the hundreds of times.  This list was not easy to compile, I am a huge fan of both music and film and spend alot of time listening to film scores. I left a lot out, these are the 20 I never get sick of, most are old. A few new. I can tell they wont get old and they do multiply the movie times a million. I did leave Ernest Scared Stupid off, and thats one of the hardest things I have ever done. It would be like 21. Anyways enough rambling. Top 20 horror scores bitches.


20. Zombieland- David Sardy- This is one of the few new films on the list. This movie is not perfect, it is however a fuckton of fun. Regardless of how you feel about the movie David Sardy creates so much atmosphere with his simple yet effective score. Its like Slug up in the mutha fucka. I put this in and  just become happy, and the next time I am sad, it manages to bring up pretty much every emotion possible in the same score. That's impressive in my book. Its like turning a preist on with a vagina. Not an easy task yet it seems so simple.
 


19. The Exorcist- Mike Oldfield- Do I really need to say anything about this, its  a classic, I hear it and I think of a girl banging herself with a crucifix, that's a plus in my book.
 

18. The Omen- Jerry Goldsmith- This song is so eerie, Fantomas did a version on their Directors cut alub and it was so kick ass I wanted to kick a baby in its soft spot, repeatedly.
 


 17. Predator- Alan Silvestri- So when I hear this I do bad things, I will be just sitting there relaxing with a drink and all of a sudden I hear da da da da da duh. Next thing I know I'm at the top of the stairs Predator crawling down(by that I usually mean falling or rolling down in  an attempt to crawl.





16. The Thing- Ennio Morricone- This guy is a fucking genius and this score is one of his best and that is saying something. So fucking creepy. Man is the warmest place to hide.


15. Psycho- Bernard Hearmann- I feel like a lot of these I dont need to explain, but I'm drunk so I will anyways. You here this and you know right away. Don't stay in a hotel, dont get to close to your mom and dont take a shower. I guess hippies must watch Psycho.


14. Hellraiser- Chistopher Young- Not Clive Barkers first choice but still effective. I want to stick pins in my dickhole when I hear this. Is that weird?


 13. Trick r Treat- Douglas Pipes- Not to be confused with the sweet Rocksploitation film from the 80's about Sammi Curr, this movie took way to long to come out as it was one of the best horror films in years. Douglas Pipes creates a thick terrifying yet fun atmosphere for this song and is a must own for any fan of great film scores.

12. Puppet Master- Richard Band- Watching the Puppet Master films is still one of my fondest memories from growing up, and within one note of Richard Bands wonderful score I feel like I am a kid again.


11. Gremlins- Jerry Goldsmith- Another classic, Jerry Goldsmith is definitely one of the masters. I listen to this and am scared to feed anything after midnight. Its weird.



10. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer- Steven A. Jones- This makes me wanna take a shower, in blood, but still a shower. The music captures the bleakness of the film so well.


 
9. Hardware- Simon Boswell - A truly underated film with such a uneasy score.




8. I Stand Alone- Thierry Durbet- Gasper Noe is a sick fuck. This movie makes me feel like the worst person ever. I love it.





7. Suspiria- Goblin-Goblin are the shiznit, Suspira is so fucking good it gives me penis Tourette's.




6. Nekromantik- Daktari Lorenz- Corpse fucking has never quite been this beautiful. Wow.




5. House of the Devil- Jeff Grace- Another newbie but god damn is it an eerie score. Not to mention one of the best films of last year.


4. Tenebre- Goblin- Goblin wins again. This makes me wanna dance. Dance after I strangle a helpless victim while wearing awesome gloves.


3. Phantasm- Fred Myrow/Malcolm Seagrave- So fucking creepy and amazing and beautiful and awesome and bad ass and scary and killer, I could go on all day. They played this on the piano in an episode of Boy meets World and it shows up in a hip hop song as a sample. Booooooooooooooooooyyy!!!

2. Cannibal Holocaust- Riz Ortolini- Seeing some of the most fucked up imagery while listening to one of the most beautiful songs is very confusing. Its like getting raped on a Sealy Posturepedic bed.
 

And for number one we have a tie, one old one in the last ten years.

1. Bubba Ho-Tep- Bryan Tyler- Don't even have anything clever to say. This score makes me so happy, this movie is a masterpiece and makes my shit rock hard brah.


1. Halloween- John Carpenter- If  I have to say anything you have no business reading this list.



Tromeric

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Top 20 Songs used in a film

 So I posted this list on the FB page a bit ago but I expanded it with notes and pictures and videos so you all can enjoy the baddassary in one place.(if anyone can find the Spaced Invaders rap, audio or video please let me know)


20. Straight between the eyes- Anvil(Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers)

Anvil was a bad ass band that never really got the credit they deserved till recently when an amazing documentary was made about them came out. What they did get was to be on the soundtrack of one of the best sequels this side of C.H.U.D. 2: Bud the Chud or Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo.


 

19. Critter Skitter- David Newman(Critters)

This song makes me wanna dance like my life depended on it, Ill pour milk on myself and shit.


 

 18. Everybody gets laid tonight- Hammerhead(Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter)
This song makes me so happy, Its like Journey done with lyrics by a Posicore band.

 

17. When the rain begins to fall- Jermaine Jackson/Pia Zadora(Voyage of the rock Aliens)- One of the main movies that should be on DVD. Jesus Balls.
 


16. Taking over the World- David E. Russo/Kirk R. Thatcher/Michael Mclure/David Friendly(Spaced Invaders)
This is the best rap song maybe ever, The Leprechaun rap is up there but this is so fucking good and it is a sham that I cant find it anywhere to post on here. I will murder the earth on my conquest to find this. Later though I'm lazy at the moment.


15. Psychos in Love- Carmine Capobianco/Debi Thiseault(Psychos in Love)
Do I have to say anything a great song and a great film, truly underrated.

 



14. Me Against the World- Lizzy Borden(Black Roses)
Bad ass movie, Bad ass song, Bad ass Band. FIN.




 

 13. Move your dead bones- Dr Re animator(Beyond Re animator)


When you put in a horror film and check the music video in the special features you of course assume they get a middle aged man from Spain to do a dance song with explosions and dancing zombies don't you? I do.
 
 12. Leatherface- Laaz Rockit(Leatherface:The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3)
Bad ass Thrash about one of the bad assiest badasses. Leatherface Mother FUCKS!!!!!

 


11. The Monster Squad- The Monster Squad(The Monster Squad)

Stephen King Rules! Everything in this movie rules, This is my childhood without the molestation. Wolfman has Nards!!!
 
10. Lost in Time- Dwayne Muffia Simon/Daryl big daddy Peirce(Waxwork 2:Lost in time)
Another great rap to another great sequel. 

9. Shocker- Dudes of Wrath(Shocker)


So this guy is named Guy Man Dude. He does look alot like that guy from Kiss but whatever, SO GOOD.



8. Trick or Treat- Fastway(Trick or Treat)



The best rocksploitation film ever made and such an amazing soundtrack. Death to false metal.




7. Tonight(We'll make love until we die)- SSQ(Return of the living Dead)
Trash dances naked to this, and it rules, did I say Trash danced Naked?




7. 5.   Rocky Erickson- Burn the Flames(Return of the living dead) Rocky is and has always been a badass. This song makes me wanna give Gandhi a Clown Frown.


6. Manic Depresso(I'm so happy)- Sykotic Sinfony(Bad Channels)
 This movie is still one of my favorites of the glorious Full Moon days and I used to just watch this part over and over. Checked out some of their other stuff. Not that good. But I would rape a priest if it meant getting this song put in the hall of fame.



5. Killer Klowns- The Dickies(Killer Klowns from Outer Space)

 

4. Pet Semetary- The Ramones(Pet Semetary)
One of the best punk bands ever. Check. One of the best movies with the boys have a penis kid. Check. You get it.


 


3. Dream Warriors- Dokken(A Nightmare on elm St 3: Dream Warriors)


Dokken is back for the attack, this time they attack Freddy and it is BADASS! In fourth grade I watched this video at the end of the VHS so many times that it wore out that part of the tape.









2. In Heaven(Everything is fine)- Peter Ivers/David Lynch(Eraserhead)
David Lynch is like God with the slight difference being his existence. The Pixies coverd this song, I think there was a bowling ball in the video.





1. He's Back(The Man behind the Mask)-Alice Cooper(Friday the 13th 6: Jason Lives)


Alice Cooper before he found God in is Guillotine wrote bad ass music, this time he wrote about the best retard with a machete ever. Nice. 





Tromeric

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Trash Humpers- Harmony Korine

I feel like I just got Raped.  Not in a bad way but in  a I'm wearing a short skirt and kinda wanted it way. I knew what I was getting myself into when I went to see this, OK maybe not exactly but I have been a fan of Harmony Korine since I first rented Gummo when I was in High School and got punched in the dick while watching it. I saw the trailer for this and was sure I was in for a treat( a rapey dick punch treat).  I was right it is 75 minutes of chaos, a bunch of old fucks(actually young fucks in really good prosthetic's)act like a bunch of juvenile delinquents. They go around lighting off firecrackers, killing people, telling racist jokes and of course sticking their old wrinkled balls in trash till they cum, why not.  Harmony Korine is an acquired taste for sure. I'm not recommending everyone goes out and sees this. I hope they do and I hope I'm there to witness it because I love showing people this shit, watching them get all uncomfortable and cringing and just feeling like shit, I get off on that a bit, I'm not gonna lie, am I a sick fuck? Yes I am, I have been watching John Waters and Russ Meyer Movies since I was dick high. And I don't mean when I was molested you sick fucks I mean when I was roughly at the height of an average mans penis, doesn't mean its in my mouth. Get your mind out of the gutter.   Newsweek said "Trash Humpers leaves the residue of an authentic nightmare. You'll want to shower afterward."I agree but I would go as far to say I am going to shower and shave and brush my teeth, hell Its gonna be like cutting moments up in here, I will brush the shit out of my teeth till they are bleeding and I am dead. That would be a nice relaxing evening after watching this. I will leave you with the words of the wordsmith Andrew "It's just like anal. You're stoked before hand, when it's over you feel sick and your body is sore." Pretty much sums it up.

4/5

Tromeric

Twilight is Bullshit- Jeremy Gaulkenstein(an essay)

 Mr Gaulkenstein writes a Mexican Pen Pal about his hate of Twihards....Enjoy



Why I won't watch Twilight.

America... land of the free home of the braves... until we killed them all. Because America started as an import only group of colonies and has always been less than tolerant when it comes to multiculturalism, we've always struggled with forming a unified history. We are still a young country, especially as we exist today and though a multitude of cultures have converged on our shores we've cherry picked a convenient and harmlessly bland selection of traditions to observe. For this reason, we lack the history to create a substantial mythology beyond the existing Judeo-Christian fantasies. We certainly have our myths and heroes of the wild west and of the founding fathers, but it wasn't until the twentieth century that we received the stories of our monsters.
Though the bulk of the stories that ended up in the Universal Studio lot (then in it's infancy) were of European origin, after Dracula hit the theaters in 1931 Dracula and the vampire myth became as American as racial cleansing. The same happened with Frankenstein, also made in 1931, adapted from the British novel by Mary Shelley, and The Wolfman in 1941 which sprung, as did the roots of Dracula, from Eastern European superstition. Unbenounced to their creators, Universal Studios in those early days of cinema, forged a trinity of American monsters.
This tradition carried on. Enthusiasm for the new mythos grew with every sequel. Every double feature, every technicolor drop of blood strengthened and expounded upon the stories of these essential American creatures. And for each, though he seemed invulnerable, there was always a means to destroy him and an unmitigated pattern of behavior. For the vampire in the early days it was a stake through the heart or sunlight. Admittedly, the rules of engagement for the vampire race have been amended many times. But almost always draw from some mythological source within the general scope of our original monsters. Some may shrug off crucifixes, others unaffected by garlic, still others terrified of water, and others given to obsessive compulsive behavior. However, the best films of the past or present that deal with the immortal blood suckers adhere to the basic mythology presented in America 80 years ago.
Of course there are other monsters that have been seared into our collective unconscious over the years, Romero's zombies, Hooper's Leather Face, Carpenter's Michael Myers, Craven's Freddy, Cunningham's Jason to name a few. And though the traditions of these new monsters are in peril as well, we'll save them for another rant.
What I've failed to mention so far is vampire charm and it is an extremely important and devastatingly distorted piece of the vampire's story in this country. Part of what makes vampires so terrifying, especially to men, is that in most stories they are equipped with what amounts to a telepathic Rufi. Lechery is essential to most vampires but their intentions are not necessarily sexual. At least not in the traditional human sense. Seduction is merely a means to an end in most cases. Or at least that was the case until the full frontal assault on our beloved monsters by oxymorman Stephenie Myer.
Now there are notable exceptions to this. Near Dark for example or The Hunger, both brilliant takes on the modern vampire with an undercurrent of human attraction. Though both have elements of what could be construed as deep human connection or love between vamps, there is no departure from the brutality of the vampire and the desire that is truly paramount, blood. But the seductive nature of the vampire, or at least his or her manipulation of human desire, has been exploded over the last couple decades into an overly important component of the mythology. It didn't start with Anne Rice but she is most notably devoted to exploring and exposing such bonds between fellow poofy shirt wearing vampires. She approached the topic with much more depth and sophistication than Myer will ever be capable of. I am no Anne Rice fan but I cannot deny her work's literary merit. She attempts the same probing of dynasties and of ancient vampirism that Brian Lumely does and for that I give her some cred. Mostly because, though there are some kinds of sissified elements to her work, she is devoted to creating thoughtful expressions of the minds of characters that are hundreds, sometimes thousands of years old.
Before I start in on Twilight, I will admit; I have never read any of the books or watched any of the movies. I never will, unless it gets me laid. But I have been around the fans since the first book came out because of a past life I spent working at Borders. At first the fans were mostly the girls who spent every weekend sprawled out in the manga section giggling and squealing every time some Japanese boy kissed a girl in their manga books. These girls, the awkward, shy, band geek type of girls were the first to bow at Myer's feet. As the years went by and the sequels came out I was confounded as their sales skyrocketed but thought it was better that they were reading actual fiction rather than badly translated conversation bubbles in “Super Orange Girl” or whatever it was they were reading before. The books continued to become more and more popular and the customer base more and more diverse. Soon cheerleaders were reading them and young guys too, probably trying to get laid but who can blame them.
I wasn't fully aware of how popular they had become until the movies came out and friends of mine had become devout fans. I still had no idea what atrocities were being committed to paper and film until I heard a friend mention that when the vampires were in sunlight they sparkled. I know I said this in my Martyr's review but you can never scratch the record too much. This is where it scratched. Sparkled? Do I have to continue? Really, of all the leaps this bitch could have taken, she makes vampires sparkle? That is enough to burn down all of Utah. To betray an essential component of the vampire myth, is much more serious than people can really fathom. But that's not the only problem, at least not that I know of. The whole premise of the first book, that a vampire falls in love with a homely teenaged girl (this is Myer putting herself in the story I think) and is conflicted about whether to suck her blood or try to fuck her. Of course the whole thing seems as inflated and one dimensional as a teenaged girl's “love” for the 32 year old dude who drives a Trans Am and goes to all the high school football games and buys the Freshman wine coolers. The only difference is this guy just hangs around in general, constantly saying to his vampire buddies, “I love humans, I keep getting older and they stay the same age.”


 One may be bold enough to compare the dynamic between Jailbait (I don't know her name) and
Matthew McConaughey (don't know vampire dude's name either) to the whole Dracula and Mina thing but Dracula really just wanted to eat her and make her a vampire Bride. And Mina was not driven by love but by the vampire's seductive graces. As I said earlier, the psychic Rufi. Now I'm sure there's a bad guy in the story and I've heard there are werewolves and I know that I won a free cheese burger from Burger King for scratching off some kind of Twilight family crest but beyond that I really don't know what happens in this shit storm or prepubescent dribble but I know what its doing to good, honest, hard working vampires and to virtually our only tradition of mythology in America. Its destroying it.
How can I say this without actually reading the books or at least watching the Riff tracks of the movies? Because I know what the vampire is to us. I've loved the little monsters ever since I saw Fright Night and Lost Boys as a pup. They are an integral part of our story, just as import, neigh more important than D-Day or the Fourth of July. The vampire, just as the werewolf, just as the re-animated corpse of Bud the Chud, is an American tradition of fear. The fear of our inner demons, of our desire to bend people's will to our own, of the beasts in us, of our secret longing for the macabre, for the complete inhibition that immortality brings. Just as we fantasize about being super heroes, we also secretly long to be monsters. The danger that we face when confronted by the enormity of something like the impending Twilight franchise is that for millions of young people with no inclination or access to the actual history and vitality of our monster myths, theses essential archetypical fears and desires are reduced to the unsophisticated and completely disconnected will of a fat Mormon chick. The corruption of this mythology could be likened to rewriting the story of the Minotaur or the Gorgons. Could it have been suffered in ancient Greece, if some charlatan described the Minotaur as a mild manner lute player or Medusa as having the power to turn people into pomegranates instead of stone? (how's that for pretentious?)
There are certainly traditions and stories that can adapt and change with time. In fact it is impossible for them not to. Change in the human world is essential. But there is a limit. We must not abandon our only real mythology. Our only indication that we ever truly tried to understand the darkest parts of ourselves. That these painted creatures terrify us, just as the ancients were terrified by their myths. When we see Bela Legosi and his perfect widows peak, even though the image is distorted by the years between us, it stokes in us a time when gods were created from latex and cellulose. When 90 minutes with a monster was a lifetime. So go, resist the assault on our precious evils. Learn the history of the American monsters. Seek brutality, seek senseless natural violence, seek the unsafe places that feel like home. Demand it from the monsters we all grew up loving and fearing. And remember, not all that glitters is gold. Sometimes its shit. It may be covered in butterflies and sparkles but its still just shit. 


Jeremy Gaulkenstein

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Martyrs- Pascal Laugier

I have a guest review for you today, a different(and very wrong) look at the Martyrs from Jeremy Gaulkenstein. 


Martyr this....

I had been told by many people whose opinions I generally agree with, that Martyrs was a mind blowing film. Another slam dunk for the French horror renaissance. Unfortunately, despite its promise early in the film, Martyrs eventually disappoints. The French have, or have thought they have, had a virtual monopoly on cultural daring, progress and artistic innovation for some time. So the slew of new horror films emerging from the birthplace of the avant-garde are often regarded as inherently brilliant without the scrutiny they are due. Such is the case with Martyrs.

(Here's a brief overview of the plot. Watch out for spoilers)
Admittedly, I was intrigued by all but the last 30 minutes of the film. The story begins with the discovery of a hideously abused little girl who escapes from an abandoned warehouse where she was systematically tortured for an extended period. No one is apprehended for the crime and little Lucie is sent to an orphan's asylum where she she forms an extremely deep bond with another little girl named Anna. Anna eventually discovers that Lucie's suffering has continued. This time by PTSD and a bizarre series of inexplicable attacks from a strange and vicious creature.
15 years later Lucie finds the people she believes were responsible for her imprisonment and torture. She shoots the entire family with a shotgun and calls Anna with the news. Anna heads out to the remote house to help Lucie get out. Anna's skepticism becomes more and more apparent as she discovers the mother of the family still alive and tries to help her escape. Lucie shoots her and suffers another attack from the creature but realizes that the creature is a manifestation of her guilt over escaping as a girl and leaving her tortured companion behind. Lucie kills herself. Anna, believing the entire incident to be a terrible mistake tries to clean up the blood and bits Lucie had painted the walls with. Just when she's about to call the Molly Maids she finds a secret passage into a basement. Ala Real Killers, the basement is an elaborate torture chamber containing a terribly disfigured woman when a steel chastity belt and helmet that has been nailed into her skull. Suddenly Lucie doesn't seem so crazy and Anna tries to help the woman escape. Suddenly a group of strangers enters the house shoots the woman and this is where it all goes wrong, big time.

I'll pause for a moment to acknowledge the positive aspects of the film thus far. Paramount, are the practical effects and makeup. This film is relentlessly violent and in many respects artfully so. You see the most impressive fully skinned body since Hellraiser for instance. The dynamic between Lucie and Anna, though squandered later in the film, was extremely mysterious and powerful. Had the focus remained on their story and its end I'm sure I would have liked the film a lot more. But as in High Tension, the imposition of a sophomoric twist disrupts the narrative and conspires to undermine the entire plot.

That irritating plot twist begins with the strangers entering the house and killing the tortured woman Anna is trying to save. Anna is captured and bound and dragged into her own holding cell. An old woman, know only as Mademoiselle, explains that she is the leader of bourgeoisie cabal devoted to finding a person who can survive extreme torture and somehow intimate the experience of transcendence to her torturers. This is where the record scratches. First, the assumption that anyone undergoing the kinds of extreme torture that would eventually be laid out for Anna would achieve anything but complete disassociation and hallucination, if not death, is asinine. The second flaw is the absent necessity of such an experiment. There are well documented cases from around the world, of everyone from Albert Fish to mystics and shamans devoted to the power of extreme pain to produce an outer body or extra-sensory experience. One could produce a similar experience with someone in a completely consensual environment. But again, any result would be illusory and completely manufactured by the human brain under extreme direst. One would assume a group of sophisticates with more money than sense might check out some things on wikipedia before they started torturing children.
This may all seem like movie nerd nitpicking but it is important to note how contrived and absurd the events presented in the last quarter of this film are. What others may see as profound or innovative, under scrutiny are revealed to be examples of the the same pedestrian modes posited in the likes of the Hostel train wrecks. The film demands the utmost realism in its violence, one must expect such realism in the story. Especially after being ripped out of a thoughtful revenge film and plunged into an existential (from the French? No.) diatribe from a group of rich crape eating fucks. I won't totally expose the end of the film but it is needlessly ambiguous and abrupt considering how far and thin they stretch the rest of it. Insinuating on one hand that there is some kind of afterlife and on the other that there is nothing (I could have told them that). My parting bitch is the whole defining “martyr” thing they do at the end and I believe in one of the conversations with Mademoiselle as she explains the profundity of organized torture. This is merely etymological pining. Language is driven by the dominant vernacular not by each word's family tree. Martyr does mean “witness” in Greek. But reducing words, especially as disconnected from the modern context as to return to the Greek, to their origins does not make them mean something else. Martyr means witness as much as fagot means a pile of twigs. A martyr was a Christian sacked lunch for a group of Roman lions... unless you're in Greece. Look it up.
All in all, Martyrs as anything but torture porn is a loss. The American remake should be a hit.


3/5

Jeremy Gaulkenstein

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me- David Lynch

David Lynch created a TV show with Mark Frost in the 90's, it is in fact the best TV show ever made(aside from that bullshit Evelyn story). Long story short ABC are a bunch of fucktards and thanks to the bullshit it kinda went down hill and got canceled only 29 episodes after it started. Skip ahead a bit and Lynch decides to make a prequel. So now that I have fleshed out the back story lets get this motherfucker moving.  The first 45 minutes or so doesn't even take place in Twin Peaks but who gives a fuck its amazing, Chris Isaac, Harry Dean Stanton, David Bowie, and Keifer Sutherland are a few among many of an excellent supporting cast for the opener. Right from the moment this movie starts you know its going to be nothing like the TV show, Lynch starts it off by hammer smash facing the TV set as the opening credits finish up.  This movie has it all, at points its laugh out loud funny with the sheriff of Deer Meadow talking about phones and bending steel, to Chris Isaac making good ole Jack Bauer spill coffee all over his dick sack. Don't you dare ask Irene about Hap's specials, cuz god damn it they don't have none.  After we leave Deer Meadow we take a quick stop to hang out with some agents in Philly, unfortunately Charlie and Dea and the gang aren't there but its OK, David Bowie and Kyle McLaughlin take care of bizness. Finally we are in Twin peaks and its worth the wait. This is the last 7 days of Laura Palmer s life. Don't be a dick bag if you haven't seen the show don't watch this, the best part of the show is figuring out who killed her ergo if you watch her get killed you kinda know, and if you don't you are a fuck nugget and should get back to your Steven Spielberg movies. Anyways this movie will punch the baby right out of your stomach, even if you don't have a baby it will make one just so it can abort it. Sheryl Lee should of gotten many Oscars for this. She is so fucking unbelievable in this. Everything about this is perfect, I could go on all day but I wont cuz Mr Jimador is telling me its bedtime. All I have to say is if you have not seen this what the fuck is your problem? Take that butt plug out and drive your ass to the store(or get on amazon if you a lazy mutha fucka) and start watching this and watch it again and again and again.


5/5

Tromeric