Halloween 2- Rob Zombie

I am one of the 50 percent of people that enjoy Rob Zombies movies. When his original remake was announced I was not stoked, I couldn't believe it, I loved Devils Rejects, how could he fuck with one of my favorite movies of all times, didn't he have something better to do? I'm sure he did, or could of, I gave in and watched it and while I thought it was heavily flawed, i couldn't help but enjoy myself. I love his characters. Yes they are white trash and generally irritating but the dialogue is entertaining and interesting, and this guy can make a movie look fucking awesome. Last year it was announced that he would return to Haddonfeild, I couldn't believe it. He had to have something better to do, What about Tyrannosaurus Rex? or Werewolf woman of the SS? Well I got over it, this like the first one is not a perfect movie, but god damn did he give us something new. This is nothing like any other Halloween, it is fucking brooooootal, every person in this is stabbed more times that mini Sharon Tate, and he doesn't pull away, this movie is also very surreal at moments with young Michael Myers and his mom showing up with the white horse from Twin peaks, i don't know I cant explain it, but i seriously loved this movie. I was entertained and disgusted from start to finish. Keep your eyes out for a few cameos of course, its not as many as usual but still, we got Weird Fucking Al, and you get Margot Kidder playing a psychiatrist which might be the most bassakwards casting ever, you might as well put Allister Crowley as Jesus Fucking Christ.

3.5/5
Eric

The Final Destination- David R. Ellis

Basic idea of a Final Destination movie. Great kills, bad movie. Works for me. I have enjoyed all of them, sure they are the same thing over and over, sure the writing is mediocre at best, sure its completly unbeleivable, but guess what? I dont give a fuck. Like I said the kills are awesome, and this is no exception. The fourth installment brings us something new and something old, something new being 3D, something old being David R. Ellis, the same man that brought us part two, which is my favorite of the bunch, he also brought us the classic of modern cinema, Snakes on a plane, and for that I thank him. Now down to business. The 3D is fucking awesome, the whole time I felt like I was right there getting the shit killed out of me along with these douche bags. The one thing that would of made it work even more is if the cars had smashed the baby in front of me to get it to shut the fuck up, but that's for a different time. You know the formula, if you want to expand your mind, wrong place dude. If you wanna see crazy redneck dude get jasper texased while hes trying to burn lowercase T's on the lawn of a rich security guard, or see Zack Morris get Obliterated than check this out, its fucking fun as shit.

2.5/5

Eric

Inside- Alexandre Bustillo/ Julien Maury

The French have proved many things over the years, they know how to give cigarettes to babies, they love wine and cheese, and they, like cheap trick know how to Surrender, and finally they know how to fuck shit up in a horror movie. In the last few years they have brought some of the best horror movies out there, taking the title from Japan once they decided that every movie should have a kid with long black hair in it. They have brought us Irreversible, Haute Tension, I stand Alone, Calvaire(kind of), and finally Inside. I don’t want to say to much cuz if you haven’t seen it, you need to stop reading this and go fucking buy it. All I have to say is blood, babies, and beautiful imagery. It’s a whole new 3 B’s. That’s all I’m going to say, I’ve got to go fuck with a pregnant bitch, and not like Zack’s fantasy, I mean cut a bitch.

4 .5/ 5

Tromeric

Tremors- Ron Underwood

So giant worms with mouths that look like vagina dentata attack from below and tear shit up. Fucking Awesome. What are these things you ask, they are Graboids obviously. And Kevin Bacon and the dude from Family ties are here to kick the ass, and that they do. I fucking love this movie; I don’t really know what else to say. If you haven’t seen this you have been living under a rock, and you better get the fuck out cuz I think I feel a tremor, and that means a Graboid is gonna eat your balls, or your poon, or both if your Jaime Lee Curtis

4/5
Eric

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers- Fred Olen Ray

So if the title doesn’t tell you how awesome this movie is you’re a fucking moron. You have Gunner Hansen back in a chainsaw movie leading a crazy cult, you have hookers and who doesn’t love hookers, you have Linnea Quigley butt ass naked(not that its shocking). My math skills are tight and that equals total badass destruction of awesomeness.

3/5

Eric

Faces of Death -Conan LeCilaire

I remember being a kid and finding this on the shelf at Video City. I had to switch the Sticker code on the box to another film and hope the clerk didn’t notice(I was only 11) just to get it out of the store. I took it home and put it in my VCR and wasn’t sure what I was getting myself into. What I saw was some of the grossest and most offensive shit I had ever seen, I didn’t think anything could get me, I had grown up watching everything from Friday the 13th to Bad Taste. But this was real, or at least that’s what the box told me. I loved that I watched it but I swore I would never watch it again. Through the years I heard conflicting reports on whether it was real or not. Now 20 years after I watched it for the first time the 30th anniversary DVD has been released and with the commentary all the myths have been reveled. It’s a bit different watching a cleaned up DVD, but is still surprisingly grotesque. There are plenty of moments that are a bit over the top, especially the narration of Dr. Francis B. Gross. Not something you watch for fun per say, but an interesting watch nonetheless. Get the DVD. The commentary track alone is worth it. Plus if anything just owning a piece of history like this is important for any horror nerd.

3/5
Eric

Bunnicula The Vampire Rabbit-Charles A. Nichols

Holy Shit, this was one of my favorite books when i was a kid, and by kid I mean still is. I have searched and searched and never knew there was a cartoon for this. I finally found one, and holy shit does it rule. I wish it was longer, I wish it was better, I wish a lot of things but all in all I'm just stoked there is a fucking movie about my favorite vampire rabbit. For years I have hoped for a live action adaptation of this, and maybe now that Spike Jonze is done with Where the wild things are he can pump this out, make a trilogy along with The Celery stalks at midnight and Bunnicula vs Edgar Allen Crow, I would cream my pants of that happened. Which may be a bit creepy as this is a kids book/movie, but I don't give a fuck.

2.5 / 5
Eric

Grizzly Rage -David Decoteau

This bear is pissed. I kept waiting for Carrie to show up, but no luck. Four really irritating friends set out for a camping trip. They say really irritating things, and listen to really bad music. They decide to go past the normal spot, cut some chains and trespass. They drive around like a bunch of dick nuggets and kill a grizzly cub. The mom is now more pissed than orca the killer whale, but of course in their dick nugget driving they crack the radiator. So mamma bear starts picking them off one by one. Which isn’t the worst thing as they are really irritating. There is only about one shot of the bear that is reused every time it growls. When the bear is attacking the car there is sweet use of a man in a bear suit that had me laughing my arse off every time they used it. That alone is worth the price of admission.

1/5
Eric

Hatchet- Adam Green

“It’s about as fun as a bag of dicks” says the token black guy…well that’s true….if you’re a slut…cuz this movie is bad ass…keith your wrong…wrong I tell you…I don’t care if its not “good” bitch gets face ripped in half…that’s good in my eyes…what its lacking in substance it makes up for in blood and tits…and by tits I mean harmonys tits and that rulz….plus you have horror royalty John Carl Buechler the man behind such classics as Ghoullies 3: Ghoullies go to college, Miners massacre and Troll drink his own piss, ..and that rulz…

3/5

Tromeric

The Burbs- Joe Dante

WALTER!!!!! Bruce Dern is a bad ass…. one of Tom Hanks only good film’s, aside from Mazes and Monsters of course. Malaki has a hot girlfriend, Cory Feldman knows how to party…Princess Laya wants to go to the cabin but Hanks aint havin it…he would rather smoke cigars, drink beer and spy on the crazy neighbors. Who wouldn’t? What’s the best thing that can happen at the cabin? You get molested…oooohhh fun… Joe Dante is still in his prime at this point with the perfect blend of humor and creepy…good thing he did the loony toons movie…that helped his career.

4/5

Tromeric

The Devil's Muse - Ramzi Abed

I love David Lynch, he is my one of my all time favorite filmmakers. If I ever make a movie one thing I would never do is try and make a fucking David Lynch movie. Blurry lights and crazy sounds do not make a film great, in fact it is kind of off putting. Let David Lynch make his own movies, if he made a Black Dahlia movie I would be the first in line. When some hack who stole a camera from wal-mart tries to make one with the "spirit" of David Lynch, it doesn't fucking work. With that said, ah fuck it, i wont even try and defend this, Masuimi Max is hot, Trent Hagga is awesome, and Kristin Kerr is sweet. But in reality this is just recycled, pretentious Man sauce


1 / 5

Eric

Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent-Amir Valinia

Also known as Carnivorous, not that it matters. All that matters is DMX is in a alligator face killer snake movie, and in case you were wondering X is coming to get ya. In the beginning of this it seems like instead of a alligator head it should have a pumpkinhead as it starts off with a bunch of douche bag kids driving along and drinking and this nice small town couple is gardening or some shit and these kids hit the lady. This dude is now pissed so he draws some bad picaso like snake alligator and feeds it to some box, not a vagina but a wooden box with some craft warehouse style crafts done on it that bring the alligator snake alive to eat it some douchy twenty somethings. So now everything you expect to happen does, lap dances, sex with underwear and bra still intact, video game snake alligator plunges through dudes, snake alligator vision(which is sweet), DMX shows up with a missile launcher, you know the normal. Now this sounds bad I know, and it is. with that said, if your like me you cant help but watch this shit, I mean i bought snakes on a train and Megasnake for Christ's sake. My one complaint, aside from it sucking turtle shaft is that this snake alligator didn't save anyone from getting raped, i guess you could argue that its half snake but still, in my humble opinion its not a giant gator movie if at least someone isn't saved from rape just to get the shit eaten out of them at a later point. All in all this is shit, but what can I say, I must have a bit of a scat fetish.

1/5
Eric

Last House on the Left (2009) - Dennis Liadis

As most who have had the challenge of having to go into the recent wave of unnecessary remakes just to update them, I have been trying to leave all prejudices aside. This was slightly different, as the original is a film that is unmatched in its portrait of the pure brutality that can manifest in man. I found that this Krug (Garret Dillahunt) was not only devoid of the sociopathic frenziedness that the 1972 counterpart (David Hess) had, but almost seemed sane. All that aside, I was surprised at how well all else rested with me. The Collinwoods (Monica Potter and Tony Goldwyn) were well acted in they're frantic attempt to save? daughter Mari (Sarah Paxton) and if it weren't for not getting the two x's over her eyes, I would probably have given this a higher score on the chart. A standout scene with Francis (Aaron Paul), a garbage disposal and a clawhammer left me smiling but unless Hollywood gets some original material soon it looks like we'll have to look towards the foreign and indies for any real treats.
-B. Chainsawdomy

The Children-Tom Shankland

These Kids are fucked up. The preview for this makes it look kind of retardead, thankfully that is not the case. These kids will take you out to the shed and Fuck You, and not in a sweet way like the way your babysitter did, but like the backwoods fucks from deliverance. They might not make you squeal but they will rip the flesh from your face. Like the Weasels do. This like many movies I have seen lately is paced in a very strange way, not a bad way. It keeps you wondering till it finally hits you, then you are like what the fuck. I don't want to give to much away but if you like watching little kids get Splinter faced, glass penetrated and Stephan Kinged then your in for a treat.

4/5
Eric