Guts and Grog Tooned Up

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent-Amir Valinia

Also known as Carnivorous, not that it matters. All that matters is DMX is in a alligator face killer snake movie, and in case you were wondering X is coming to get ya. In the beginning of this it seems like instead of a alligator head it should have a pumpkinhead as it starts off with a bunch of douche bag kids driving along and drinking and this nice small town couple is gardening or some shit and these kids hit the lady. This dude is now pissed so he draws some bad picaso like snake alligator and feeds it to some box, not a vagina but a wooden box with some craft warehouse style crafts done on it that bring the alligator snake alive to eat it some douchy twenty somethings. So now everything you expect to happen does, lap dances, sex with underwear and bra still intact, video game snake alligator plunges through dudes, snake alligator vision(which is sweet), DMX shows up with a missile launcher, you know the normal. Now this sounds bad I know, and it is. with that said, if your like me you cant help but watch this shit, I mean i bought snakes on a train and Megasnake for Christ's sake. My one complaint, aside from it sucking turtle shaft is that this snake alligator didn't save anyone from getting raped, i guess you could argue that its half snake but still, in my humble opinion its not a giant gator movie if at least someone isn't saved from rape just to get the shit eaten out of them at a later point. All in all this is shit, but what can I say, I must have a bit of a scat fetish.


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