Guts and Grog Tooned Up

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Hellraiser: Revelations- Victor Garcia

     I know I am way late on this. I am usually better about watching the shitty films that no one else wants to. This had shit written all over it like a coprophiliac's bedroom. I knew this would be bad from the very beginning. First of all Hellraiser has been shit since Part four. I am one of the few that really liked three I know, but I did. Bloodline however was total shit and it has been a downward spiral since then. When I heard this was happening I couldn't believe it. A Hellraiser movie so bad Doug Bradly wouldn't be in it. I love ol' Doug and will say that even in all the shitty sequels he owned the role of Pinhead but lets face it.He was in one amazing Hellraiser, two awesome and four complete shit sequels. If he read Deader and was like "OK" and then read this and was like "I think we may be missing the mark with this" I figured I should stay away, and let's not forget Clive Barker himself saying that this didn't even come from his butthole. That is one way to know you done fucked up filmmakers. Well now that I told you a bunch of things you already know here are some more you may or may not.
     Some douche bag teens leave their rich ass parents house to go to Mexico and get some prostitutes. They kill one somehow and then buy a puzzle box that happens to be the Lament Configuration. They open it and some dude that looks less like Pinhead than that fat dude at comic-con shows up and tears some souls apart. One of the dip shits gets taken to hell but escapes and makes his friend kill more hookers to bring him back to life(sound kinda but not really familiar?) so he can be more of a douche. While all this is happening the family's of these shits are sad for some reason so they eat some dinner and whine a lot about their missing kids. This moderately attractive girl who is one of their sisters and one of their puzzle box's opens the Lament and her brother shows up. I will stop here as I have already given away more than I ever would in a review. The thing is, I don't care. It doesn't matter. I will say from here on out this switches from a shitty Hellraiser film to a shitty home invasion movie. Just think of Funny Games, starring the cenobites. If you have been smart enough to stay away from this, continue that. If you feel like torturing yourself and can't find  a Lament Configuration this is a close second.

.5/5

Tromeric 

4 comments:

Chris Hewson said...

If you think the post-3 Hellraiser sequels are shit, what do you think of Inferno's ending? Ithought it was cool! I haven't seen the rest of the movie though.

Guts and Grog Reviews said...

I think all the sequels excluding this one have some cool moments. I love Bradly as Pinhead and to be honest it has been so long since I watched inferno that I couldn't tell ya what I thought of the ending. I remember not liking Inferno but maybe it is time to do an all day Hellraiser marathon. God that will hurt.

Jeremy Gaulke said...

I'll smile and nod as long as Doug bradley is involved. Pinhead is not interchangable like Jason or Michael myers. If Bradley isn't pinhead the franchise is over or should be. Just like it should have been over when englund stepped or was pushed away from Freddy. But yeah this one was horrible.

Mr. Gable said...

I LOVE Hellraiser 1-3. Part 2 is my favorite. 3 is just rancid fun, Anthony Hickox pre-mid 90s is fucking awesome. Part 4 wasn't that bad, I liked it. 5/6/7 were just crime dramas that were re-written as a Hellraiser sequel and then part 8...ugh part 8. Did they fucking rework Mangler 2 and then cast Lance Henriksen again? WHAT THE FUCK. Then this...I've been avoiding this so bad. It's on instant. I see it every time I jump on there. I just need a day that I can watch 2 or 3 movies because I'm gonna have to watch this one first and then watch something better afterwards. I know I'm not gonna like it, but I own the entire series so, you know, I have to...