Piranha -Alex Aja

Holy shit this movie is so much fun. I don't give a fuck about plot, I don't give a shit about much I just had more fun than B.T.K. had that time he took Helen Keller to the rope show. Starts off with with Matt Hooper(yes that Matt Hooper) singing some songs and catching some fish.  Then Precious takes a huge step and opens up the core of the lake and lets loose some bad ass fish.  From here on out it is 90 minutes of amazing killing and titties.  So many douchnozzles get the fuck eaten out of them by stupid looking fish.  Jerry O Connell gives the performance of a life time, it may be right up there with Joe's Apartment. I don't even know what I can say.  If your not a pussy you will love this movie. It is just fun, so fucking bloody and brooooooooootal and hot.  Hot naked woman swimming,  Doc Brown is there to explain what caused this, Eli Roth gets Sleepaway Camped.  The massacre scene will make Nan King look like a Rainbow Bright cartoon.  I don't want to ruin anything but dick burp. Wow, What the fuck? go watch this. Titties and blood for 90 minutes, did I mention they fly at your face? They do. Piranha 3D came all over my face and I loved it.  I rubbed that shit all over my sweet titties and let it lick it off, and it loved it cuz its a dirty whore.

4/5

Tromeric

The Art of Dying- Sadistik/Kid called Computer

 So I'm going to do something a little different and review a CD. 

The Art of Dying will tear your soul apart, I mean that in the best of ways, think of Pinhead, he is indeed bad ass and if I wanted to have someone pull my soul apart I would vote for someone like Pinhead to do it, anyways if you want someone with a little less nails and chains and vinyl may I suggest the recently released Art of Dying Ep.  This is not a "Horrorcore" album, there is no talk of eating baby's like you would hear on Mr Hung's album, no clever mock ups of Doors or Twisted Sister Songs like you may hear one Necro's album,  And thank the dead Christ no talk of Miracles like you may hear on the New ICP album.   He does not wear Strappy pants, there is no meth involved in his songwriting, and I would jump to the conclusion he knows how a fucking magnet works.  I would put this album in the horror genre for the simple fact that it goes inside of you and eats it's way out from the inside. They do say that Man is the warmest place to hide.  It is beautiful and painful at the same time.  IE A Serbian Film, Inside, Martyrs, Subconscious Cruelty. It is the equivalent of those films for me, it makes gutting a baby over its moms naked body beautiful, it makes torture and pain something you want to embrace,  it has you hoping that you can have a C-section with a pair of scissors, it makes death seem like a reasonable thing to live for.  At only 33 minutes this album packs more punches than Chris Benoit at a family reunion. This is the album of the year, no matter what kind of music your into, check this shit out, you will not regret it. They have created something that fans of anything from Sigur Ros to Burzum can appreciate. 


Sadistik's Homepage.


5/5

Tromeric

Burning Bright- Carlos Brooks

So a cute girl and a sped(oh sorry I beleive the PC term is tardburger) get locked in a house during a hurricane by their asshole step dad. Oh did I mention they are being stalked by one pissed off tiger?  This is the basic premise of Burning Bright.  No this is not a joke, it also isn't a made for Syfy movie. What it is is way better than it deserves to be.  Its like a decent slasher movie but you replace Michael Myers with Sigfried and Roy's arch nemisis.  It starts off with assdad meeting Meatloaf for a sketchy transaction to buy an evil tiger, then the daughter is trying to enroll her tard brother in some home, he's not like Corky tard, he is the I'll remember the whole dictionary and make sure you spread that peanut butter to the right and not to the left kind of dooode.  She feels bad cuz her mom offed herself and she doesn't want to abandon her little USB drive.  She wants to go to college though and she has some great plans to learn how to answer a phone or some shit.  I don't know why she doesn't just buy a stack of phone books and put him in a cage, he will keep himself busy.  Anyways here asshole step dad found her bank account and was able to clear it so she cant afford the school for abandoning her bro. Turns out he spent that money to buy said pissed off tiger.  Now he needs more money so he boards up all the windows and doors and lets loose the beast to kill off these pesky kids so he can get the insurance money. This is where I get confused, after all of this insanity and the fucking fact that this is a home invasion movie staring a tiger as the big bad Krug and this all takes place during a hurricane because the best way a dude could think of killing off a couple of kids was to set up a Rube Goldberg trap that P.T. Barnum would be jealous of.  With all of this said it is entertaining, full of suspense and looks amazing, they did not use any CGI that I could tell, its always a real tiger. I don't think you can properly describe this as it sounds insane and it is just something that needs to be seen to be believed.  So go watch it, Jesus fucking Christ why are you still reading this bullshit, go to the store and hook that shit up.











3.5/5



Tromeric

Centurion- Neil Marshall

Neil Marshall is a weird mother fucker.  From Werewolves to caves to the apocalypse to this. I personally have enjoyed all of his films for different reasons but so far so good. Now on to Centurion.  The epic movie has been attacked many times and while occasionally it works for me its few and far between. It just seems like most of the time  spend the first three fourths of the film watching these people wander around or ride their horses and maybe something cool might happen, maybe they will just walk around for ten hours to get to a lake.  Not this one, within fifteen minutes bitches were getting their heads ripped, slammed, speared, smashed and cut to shit.  It was like Braveheart with less Jew bashing. This is an hour and a half of badassary. How can you not love the Romans, they fought the most epic battle ever when they put that carpenter on that cross and created that Nausea record cover.  Its like watching a porno where the guy cums 182 times in one film.  The story here is basic but interesting, I wont go into it as it is not important. I don't mean that it isn't well written because it is, I mean you already know if you want to watch it so I'm not gonna waste your time. I don't have to much to say on this, Its a lot of fun, its interesting, its well done, its violent as fuck and its Neil Marshall. Do you need much more than that.


3.5/5

Tromeric

The Blob- Chuck Russell

 Chuck Russel took a break from the best Nightmare movie that Dokken is in while he was waiting to make the bad ass Eraser staring everyone's favorite Governor that was in Predator(oh wait that doesn't single anyone out does it).


So poor mans Matt Dillon, AKA Johnny Drama, AKA boy who hung out in his dads ball sack longer than Matt so he didn't get a the role in Outsiders but was still bad ass in some other shit is a bad ass. He spends his days pretending he is Evil Knievel and pissing off the local cops. Then the douchy jock takes that bitch from Becker( I think she was in those shitty Saw films also) out to get him some. He is driving her around looking for some shit when the crazy homeless dude runs out and hits the car and rolls off it like a little bitch. The dudes dude it up and take homeless buddy to the hospital where Eraserhead himself takes time off from being in the Suicidal Tendencies video to check the homeless dude out even though he doesn't have blue cross.  This is when all hell breaks loose. What was just a little bit of pink spooge looking shit on the poor mans arm is now a huge ball of goo. It looks like a huge chunk of gak. I want to stick my hand in it to make fart noises but from the looks of that dudes hand that's a bad idea.  All ramblings aside The blob is super bad ass. Sure it is a remake which these days tend to piss me the fuck off but this is one done right. The original blob is a fun 50's movie but once the 80s rolled around they realized they could use the technology from You Can't do that on Television and make one bad ass slimy body melting gooey fun fucking movie, that's what they did.  This incarnation of The Blob is a fucking blast the slimy gooey fun of it and the feel and the nostalgia, its damn near perfect and I think it is one of the most overlooked films of the 80's. With that being said I would like to touch on the rumors that Rob Zombie is re re making this. Don't do it sir. The Devils Rejects is a modern masterpiece and although the Halloween remakes were kinda shite I looked the other way cuz I love your white trash rants and you get great actors, but seriously do something original. Make The Nail or Bigfoot, just not a rehash of a rehash. Fuck. Anyways no that I have went off on a drunken rant I will stop but seriously get a bag of popcorn hook up your VCR to your shitty TV you have in the basement and turn off all the lights and sit back and enjoy one of the movies that made the 80s what they were. 



4/5

Tromeric