Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Girls Gone Dead- Michael Hoffman Jr./Aaron T. Wells
When I popped this bad boy in I figured I would most likely get ninety minutes of filler with five minutes of bitches and blood. I am happy to report that like Mike Ness, I was wrong. The film opens with our protagonist sitting in church and next thing you know there is a big breasted woman stripping down naked so the preacher can sacrifice her. Let me state for the record if that happened when I attended church services in my youth I may not have been so quick to denounce the worlds favorite dungeon master. Quick cut to let you know it's a dream than a pretty clever opening credits sequence outside of the horrible music that makes you feel like you are getting bumped into by every "Bro" at "Warped Tour." We now meet up with Rebecca in the real world and quickly find out her mom is an insane religious nut. The thing is Rebecca just wants to go to Daytona Beach to have some fun and take off her cloths. I mean the Crazy Girls(This films answer to Girls gone Wild)are gonna be there along with Ron Jeremy and Beetlejuice. She is waiting for her whore of a friend(God's words, not mine) and her douche nozzle ex shows up complete with a "S8N SUX" license plate and what I assume is unfortunately probably an actual christian rock band blaring on the stereo. They head off to Daytona anyways in search of all the necessitates in life such as drugs, alcohol, and sex. This of course where all the slashing and striping begins and the next ninety minutes are spent watching said acts and figuring out whodunnit?
"Girls Gone Dead" will not cause any eruptions in the world of cinema. I am guessing the only eruption it will cause is in your pants but that is Okay. It is a fun slasher that would fit right in along the likes of the eighties classics such as "Slumber Party Massacre" or "Sorority House Massacre." The kills get a little repetitious but moments such as the fat basement dweller finally getting a blowjob only to have his severely intoxicated conquest get a hatchet wound on her head. I feel like I could go into a massive "who's on first" rampage right now but I will spare you. I will say while some of the gore is repetitious, it is overall pretty awesome. Very little CG and buckets of blood being spread everywhere like Flavor Flav's seed at the Source awards. It does suffer from extended length syndrome, and no, I am not making a penis joke. I feel like if they had cut out fifteen to twenty minutes it might flow a little better but that is nothing another shot can't fix. If you want something new check elsewhere but if you just want to crack open a bottle and enjoy a movie with the three B's(Bitches, boobies, and Beetlejuice) have I got a movie for you.