Piranhaconda- Jim Wynorski

     I love creature films. I always have and I always will. I am a bit to young to have enjoyed the heyday when they were always at the drive in but even as a kid in the eighties I would get some thanks to horror hosts and VHS. I loved all the atomic era films even if I didn't live through them. In the last few years we have gotten a slew of them thanks to companies like The Maneater Series, The Asylum and Roger Corman getting back in the game. These are shclock. You don't watch them expecting to be changed, you watch them because you want to have fun. I know 2 Headed Shark Attack didn't change the face of cinema. You know what it did do? Gave me a huge nerd boner and made my day better. Is that so wrong?
     Piranhaconda, like Sharktopus starts out with an amazing theme song. This time it is a rockabilly song with the voice of an angel basically telling us what we are in store for, as if we didn't know. We meet up with Michael Madsen who is looking for eggs with his team. They quickly get the shit eaten out of them, hell the Piranhaconda even takes down a helicopter.  My question is why did the pilot think he could get away from a monster in a helicopter? Hasn't he seen Lake Placid or Mega Shark? They love to eat flying food.  I just want to point out that this is at four minutes  and fifteen seconds. Yeah! You get to meet the monster before the five minute mark and it devastates people. Thank you Mr. Wynorski for giving the people what they want. We then meet up with the rest of the bunch they are making a movie called Head Chopper which from what I can tell might be a sequel To Carnage: The Legend of Quiltface. A movie that I would love to see within a movie I am loving to see. Today is awesome. Well quickly some of the crew becomes fish snake.  food. Now that we have gotten some action it is time to bring some more story in. To accomplish this Michael Madsen gets kidnapped and the movie crew joins him soon after. Now Piranhaconda can really fuck some shit up.
     This movie delivers exactly what you want in a movie called Piranhaconda. The pissed off snake eats the shit out of so many people leaving nothing but limbs flooding the beach. The characters are all pretty entertaining  and the dialogue is pretty quick witted. You have all the classics. The airhead actress with a rocking bod, the smart unattainable final girl and the stud who happens to be the stuntman that plays Head Chopper and let me tell you he would make Steve Railsback jealous with his skills. The bad guys are pretty cliche but that is OK. They are just food for the snake.
     In the end like most of these you now whether you are interested in seeing it. I for one am usually happy with these and add a name like Wynorski and it pretty much means excellence. This guy continues to roll out fun and entertaining films for us to enjoy in spite of the whiny critics who can't figure out he knows what he is doing. It is not that he is incapable of making a "great film" it is that he doesn't give a shit and he just wants us to have fun on a Saturday night.


3/5


Tromeric

2 Headed Shark Attack- Christopher Ray

Let me start this off by setting the scene for movie night in my house.  We gather the kids, get comfy on the couch and pop in 2 Headed Shark Attack.  It’s family movie night with all the blood and tits that entails.  We have a long tradition of watching all the Asylum movies we can and this one is up at the top of the heap.  You know when your 8 year old son is laughing his ass off because some dude just got ripped in half that the movie is doing something right.

One thing to keep in mind about this movie is that it sucks, but in the greatest way possible.  Anyone who knows me knows I’m a sucker for the genius that goes into making an unabashedly bad movie that works on almost every level.  It just goes to show that if you acknowledge what you’re working with and use it to it’s fullest you can make a fun movie, and that‘s all I can ask for.  There’s no pretense or delusion about what’s been put on the screen and I love the film makers for it.

The movie kicks off with a great kill right off the bat and lets you know what to expect and it never fails to deliver.  The shark effects are actually pretty decent for these low budget creature features, right up there with Sharktopus. Now that doesn’t mean the effects are anything close to good, but do you really want them to be? Personally I prefer the dirt path that somehow changes into smooth plastic when it cracks and the explosions that look like they were rendered on a PS2 and added into the movie with a 10 year old version of photo shop.  It just adds to the fun.

Pretty soon we’re introduced to our cast of usual players.  You have the d-bag bro and his loyal followers, the nerd, the crazy bitch that won’t shut the fuck up, plenty of big titty sluts, sassy black girls, and let’s not forget the tough girl with a chip on her shoulder.  All of them play their parts perfectly and you just can’t wait for them to die in the worst way possible. 

Special mention should be made for Carmen Electra, she really turns in a stirring performance as the most believable doctor I‘ve ever seen.  I also want to take a moment here and thank Asylum for offering an outlet for washed up celebrities to desperately cling to any fleeting bit of fame they can without having to get double teamed by Bret Michaels and Flava Flav on VH1. 

The real star of the show though is Jerry O’Connell’s brother Charlie.  I really believed his pain when he broke his leg and just made the same groaning sound over and over for the entire movie.  Frank Stallone had better watch out.

Soon the students, oh yeah they are on a semester at sea boat, have to abandon the boat and head to a nearby atoll.  Which the titular shark manages to run into hard enough to get it to start sinking.  Let me just say that the science in this movie is tight as shit, but again not really why you’re watching this movie.

Now the real reason you’re even thinking about watching this is for the kills and oh baby are there kills.  I won’t go into too much detail because it’s more fun to just experience them, but have no fear they rule.  Nice and bloody and completely ridiculous.

In closing, watch this movie.  If you have enjoyed any of the recent low budget monster movies this is right up there with Mega Piranha and Sharktopus as one of my favorites. Plus it has what may just be the most romantic onscreen kiss I’ve ever seen.  So really it’s the perfect Valentines Day movie for you and that special someone. 

This movie has tits, blood, and a 2 headed shark. Do you need to hear anything else? Two times the heads, two times the awesome.

3.5/5

Jacob VonKlingle

The Theatre Bizarre- Douglas Buck/Buddy Giovinazzo/David Gregory/Karim Hussain/Jeremy Kasten/Tom Savini/Richard Stanley

  Look at that list of directors. Is it possible for my dick to be any harder. I will just list some of the things that these guys are responsible for. Hardware, Dust Devil, Combat Shock, Cutting Moments, Home, Prologue, The Wizard of Gore(remake), Night of the Living Dead(remake), and my personal favorite Subconscious Cruelty. That is just his directing credit. Karim Hussain also was responsible for how beautiful Hobo with a Shotgun looked as he was DP(not donkey punch you sick bastard) on that.  Tom Savini has created effects for some of the best films made in history(Maniac, Friday the 13th, Dawn of the Dead, The Prowler, and on and on and on). Most of these guys also take on other responsibilities such as editor, writer, and cinematographer. The cast is rounded out with all kinds of faces you will recognize. Debbie Rochon, Lynn Lowery, Udo Kier, and even Tom Savini himself.  All of these much different yet all equally amazing men come together and with the help of the one I haven't mentioned yet David Gregory who from what I can tell is the backbone of this put together The Theatre Bizarre.  
     Horror anthologies are not the most common sub genre in the modern age. We saw a lot more of them in the seventies and eighties. Creepshow is probably the most recognizable of the bunch but you of course had the TV shows turned movie anthologies like Tales from the Crypt(I guess that was before the TV show), and Tales from the Dark side as well as a few hits(The Willies) and misses(Campfire Tales) along the way. Recently we received Chllerama which was fun but definitely not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. The closest thing to a perfect anthology film would be Trick r' Treat and that is arguable if it even fits in the sub genre. Well History pulled straight out my ass 101 is over lets get our asses to the theater, and don't forget to turn off your cell phone and shut your fucking mouth or I will sick one of these madman on you.
     I am not going to dissect these one by one as I want you to have as much fun watching things unfold as I did. If I spelled it out for you that would be like if the publisher of Scary Stories to tell in the dark decided to take out all the amazing artwork and replace it with more modern less exciting artwork, wait.......Sorry I can't get that off my mind. Seriously though. I am not here to ruin these so I will just give a quick overview of the film and you can judge my excitement. Things you will see in this movie. Eyeball injections, frog sex, human marionettes, crab vaginas, girls injecting themselves with unborn baby juice and so much more. Each of these entries have so much to offer and that is just the tip of the iceberg.I don't want it to sound like this is a shock film either. It has some obviously, but it also has some insanely beautiful moments. Douglas Buck's being the most notable. His story while being the least horror is the most heart wrenching. You also have everything from Lovecraftian creatures to highbrow cannibalism. 
     Seven directors, seven segments(including the wrap around) and two hours of everything the title promises you.

4/5

Tromeric
  

2 Headed Shark Attack- Christopher Ray

     Anyone who follows my nonsense knows that I am unashamedly obsessed with creature movies of all kinds and the badder the better. I am pretty sure I have some kind of split personality disorder as I love both sides of the spectrum when it comes to film, and I mean that in a severe way. One day I will watch David Lynch, Terence Malick and Luis Bunuel then the next switch to anything with The Asylum, Full Moon or Maneater logo on it. I am a glutton when it comes to film, and booze and drugs and music and well you get the point. Well today I woke up and went on a hunt. I was like Jeffery Dahmer  looking for a little boy. I started in one corner and worked my way through. 2 Headed Shark Attack was nowhere to be found. I wiped the tears from my eyes and gave in and just rented it. I luckily live Portland where I can go to the store where coincidentally the writer works and rent this bad boy. It's not the same. It's like when you call for a hooker from Craigslist and think you are getting the one in the picture and Edith Massey shows up(actually if Edith Massey showed up I would do unspeakable things to her while she talked to me about eggs), it's still sweet but not quite the same. Well I guess it was fate as when I got home with my rented copy in hand I found out I randomly won a copy from The Asylum. Now with all this excitement it was time to put this bad boy in. So what are the results?
     2 headed shark is a no bullshit movie, or an all bullshit movie I guess depending on how you look at it. It starts right of the bat with some dickbag kids getting the shit killed out of them. We then meet a group of students on a boat, said 2 headed shark fucks up their boat so they go to an island. Well it's not really an island but that is besides the point. Gabe Nye can explain the difference to you. I don't give a shit. Sound kind of familiar? Well it is and that is the fucking point.  This is where you decide if you are gonna like this movie. Are you going to argue logic, originality and quality? If so why the fuck are you watching an asylum movie. These guys know what they are doing. They are possibly the smartest filmmakers out there. There is a time for art and there is a time to just have a good time. Do you fall in love with everyone you sleep with? If so you probably fell for that super long joke all those one syllable dudes in sandals wrote and you are probably too busy watching Bibleman with Buddy to watch awesome movies like this anyways.   OK, I am ranting as I am sleep deprived, less then sober and well it's what I do. What I am trying to say is you know by the name and cover if this is something you would be interested. No one is going to pick it up and think it is based off of the work of Francis Bacon.
      I will just get to the point. I loved 2 Headed Shark Attack. I love Shark movies and my math is tight enough to know that two is better than one. Most of the characters are insanely stereotyped, Carmen Electra is a Dr. and the Shark either looks like the Jaws NES game or the Lobster from Multiple Maniacs. I say all of these things in highest regard for everyone involved. This movie is self aware, sure in a different way then something like Scream but more in like an Expendables way. They give you everything you could possibly want in a film about a two headed shark. The kills are all fun as hell and will probably make you spit beer everywhere. My one complaint is that this shark is kind of a prude. One thing I have learned in all my years of creature film watching is that while being evil they still will stop unspeakable acts, for instance crocodiles and alligators always stop rape. They have some built in rape sensor that works better than their eyes. I assume Gabe Nye could explain the science behind this so I will have to get back to you on that, but I promise you it is true. Well what I learned today is that two headed sharks hate threesomes. This also leads me to believe that they are the true dicks of the ocean. You don't interrupt a three way.
   
3/5

Tromeric

Attack the Block- Joe Cornish

       The Green Street Hooligans vs Manbearpig.  Seriously the creatures looked like gorillas in the mist fucked a crite and that baby ate a raver kid.  That gets me to one of my only complaints. Their fucking mouths.  They were so CGI it was fuckdiculous. The aliens weren't the best thing I have ever seen but they were pretty bad ass till they opened the stupid mouths.  Since I got the complaint out of the way lets get into why this movie kicked me in my pregnant stomach.
     The Kids were bad ass to the core of the earth. I would not fuck with these kids and I was already buying my own cigarettes when they were born. They were tuff as nails and believable to boot. With out over explanation you got that they had some fucked up lives and banded together to take care of each other. Sure they were involved in some shady shit but deep down inside they were brothers at arms. 
      The story.  It got started right away.  It was like going on a date and sticking your hand up a girls skirt before she has told you here name.  What I mean is it was my kind of date.  The thing is this girl didn't push you away. She was into it and for the next ninety minutes you get to have wonderful filthy sex with her. 
     The gore. Bad ass.  There are some great scenes of faces being ripped apart, heads being tossed like a  beach ball at some shitty concert that Dave Matthews frequents. No Bro Rape though. Get your natty ice, your game cube and your roofies and watch these goonies talk some shit and kill some aliens.

4/5

Tromeric

Behemoth- David Hogan

     Mr. Gable is doing a MANEATER week over at his place. What else do you do for fourth of July week that doesn't involve wanting to get out of taxes and covering blankets in smallpox?  I myself can't think of anything so of course I jumped in, as any chance I get to watch shitty movies with shitty animals that fuck shit up is right up my alley. So up my alley we go.
     MANEATER is basically the asylums retarded little brother on food stamps, and I don't mean the new hi tech credit card style. I mean old ass monopoly money food stamps. If you haven't figured out what I am saying it is that the MANEATER series is basically amazing.
     Behemoth is a disaster movie with a gigantic Graboid Medusa monster causing quakes and making the CW"S guest star line ups boobs to shake. A whole lot of other TV actors round out this cast of badassary, most notably William B. Davis who doesn't even smoke one cigarette.
     MANEATER like the asylum are not necessarily "great" films but they are super entertaining and they have so much heart Harry Warden is probably nearby waiting to give them the pick axe. Recommended only to people with severe problems that enjoy fun shitty sinema if that's not you I suggest you get a wrench and unscrew your asshole a bit because it is wound up tighter than that "special" kids toy he got from McDonald's.


2/5


Tromeric

Mega Python vs Gatoroid- Mary Lambert

      The director of Pet Semetary brings possibly the best of the Mega movies.  The Asylum just keep getting bigger and better.
     Debbie Gibson liberates a bunch of snakes and Out of the Blue(see what I did there) decides to free them in a pond like two feet out of town. They get big and eat shit so Tiffany gives some gators roid rage and people start getting eaten, including Tiffany's boy toy, yes I think Tiffany is alone now(I did it again).Its go time and all the redneck hunters are out for snake blood. It was like Swamp People without Troy and CGI gators. Gators get bigger and Snakes get longer. CHAOS.
     As I have said many times I love The Asylum. They got this movie right. It starts right off the bat. The gators look bad ass and its got plenty of funny moments. It's nonstop kill after kill after hilarious bad acting with creatures that will fuck your shit up.  You will witness the most epic fight scene ever. It gives They Live a run for its money.  Their is a montage to what I assume is a Debbie Gibson song that is fanfuckingtabolous.  Animation, science and gators growing at a rapid rate. Debbie Gibson in a white wet short ass dress and Tiffany's boobs are always in lens.
      I suggest all get a sixer put this on and just sit back and be entertained.


3.5/5

Tromeric

Tentacles- Ovidio G. Assonitis

     It's like Jaws but with a giant sea creature. Wait. Its like Jaws but it takes place in the ocean. Wait again. Its like Jaws but its kinda boring but has some bad ass moments. Wait.  God damn it this is Jaws just with an octopussy instead of a shark.
      As many have figured out I love giant animal movies. I don't even care if they are total shit, which they usually are. This is no exception. It's kinda slow, not a lot happens and overall its a turd but I still watch it from time to time. You can figure out what happens in this its basic and kinda boring but have some drinks and its always fun to see animals kill people.  Highlight of this is seeing Shamu fight the octopus. Its like Zombie vs Shark but there are no punk songs written about it.  Final thought total shit but I love shit.

1.5/5


Tromeric

Jaws of Satan- Bob Claver

     Bob Claver yeah the Bob Claver that directed a bunch of the key episodes of the best sitcom outside of Alf. Yeah I am talking about Small Wonder mother fuckers, well he brings us a movie with the most believable premise since The Blind Side.  Is that huge ass snake Satan incarnate? Why yes it is.
     It starts off a little slow but once a priest a witch and a snake meet up and start fucking shit up you cant help but enjoy this shit.  A cobra who so happens to be Satan shows up and makes other snakes such as rattlers do sweet things like stand up and slowly harass a semi naked woman in bed for about as long as the shower scene in House on the edge of the Park. We find out Satan is after this priest and one priest says to another "a priest would make a bright flame in hell." That quote alone makes this movie way better than you.
     It was made in the early 80's, it's kinda slow, it is however pretty badass and sure you may need some drinks and some friends to make fun of it with but all in all Jaws of Satan is a fun ride. It's like that girl you met at the bar.  It's a lot of fun but you may not talk about it ever again.

2/5


Tromeric

Mega Shark versus Crocosaurus- Christopher Ray

     Oh my God Christ. The Asylum gives me another boner from hell(and I like hell).  Mother fucking Urkel  is a navy bad ass.  He teams up with the Dr from that shitty Star Trek(like that narrows it down). I am so stoked right now, its like the time I found out my pregnant girlfriend "accidentally fell" out of bed onto the conveniently placed replica of the sword of truth. 
     Urkel doesn't think that the shark is dead, some grease monkey thinks crocs are bad ass, some people die and all these people team up to take these bitches out. Like all Asylum movies you know what you are getting into, badassary. How can you not love this shit, two giant animals that keep changing sizes fuck shit up and washed up actors from previous eras make their "comebacks."I have so much to say about how awesome this is but the 12 hours of drinking is making me have the typing slurrs.  So I will leave it to you, do you see that poster. Yeah that happens. If you don't want to go out and buy this your a terrorist.  You hate our freedom. Sleep well. I will.






3.5/5

Tromeric

Moby Dick- Trey Stokes

     Oh the Asylum is one of the best things that has ever happened in our existence. Yeah tearing down the great wall was OK, but seriously a huge shark didn't eat the great wall.
     The Asylum takes on a literary classic this time.  Moby Dick is here to fuck shit up, and this time Brad Majors is around to take this mother down.
     This is a modern retelling of the classic and the Asylum pulls no punches.  Moby Dick is one scary looking mother and he is gonna get Mr. Ahab, last time he got his leg which good ol Barry reminds of about a thousand times but this time he wants the whole package. 
      This has it all, tons of action, amazing effects(you decide what this means), and acting and quotable script that will put Arnold to shame.  I could go on to explain what happens, but who gives  a shit. You know what you are getting here. The Asylum takes on Moby Dick, Barry Bostwick acts his ass off and bitches get attacked by a giant whale.  Do you need to know anymore? If you do, I will have Mr. Bostwick set Micheal J Fox on you with a meat cleaver, and you know he wont be able to hold that shit still.

3/5


Tromeric

Maneater- Gary Yates

     The Gingerdead man himself Gary Busey takes on a tiger that is well, a man eater.  I went into this expecting a made for TV shitty movie about a tiger that eats people. Low and behold that is what I got, what did surprise me though is the lack of CGI and somehow Gary Busey pulls of the best acting he has done in a long time. Actually everyone in this holds their own as far as acting goes.  No one will be getting an Oscar by any means but compared to say Grizzly Rage or The Swarm I gotta admit I was impressed. 
      So the basics are Mr. Busey is the Sheriff of some shit hole town where you guessed it a tiger gets loose.  Then you have some kid that is brought up in a trailer with his crazy ass mom who wont let him play with all the other little boys or go to school or do any of those weird things kids do like socialize or learn facts.  The interaction between these two is priceless at one point the mom says something like "while I'm at work no make beleive just read your bible."  I guess she doesn't realize that the bible has more fantasy and rape than Deathstalker 2.   Next up we have a dude with possibly the coolest mustache ever.   He has shown up from England to have tea and crumpet's and listen to music on his record player, oh and kill a tiger because obviously that's what he does.  The Tiger keeps killing people and eating them, except the little boy.  I thought Christians were suppose to get fed to tigers, oh that's lions. My bad.
     I am a sucker for giant or killer animal movies. I don't really care if they are good or not I always enjoy this shit, except for Spiders 2, that made my butt hole bleed.  While this is no Burning Bright(a killer tiger movie that was surprisingly effective) it is put together with way more suspense and entertainment that it has any right to.   If you want to have 90 minutes spent watching Busey be crazy and tigers eat some folk then boy have I found the movie for you.


2.5/5

Tromeric

Piranha -Alex Aja

Holy shit this movie is so much fun. I don't give a fuck about plot, I don't give a shit about much I just had more fun than B.T.K. had that time he took Helen Keller to the rope show. Starts off with with Matt Hooper(yes that Matt Hooper) singing some songs and catching some fish.  Then Precious takes a huge step and opens up the core of the lake and lets loose some bad ass fish.  From here on out it is 90 minutes of amazing killing and titties.  So many douchnozzles get the fuck eaten out of them by stupid looking fish.  Jerry O Connell gives the performance of a life time, it may be right up there with Joe's Apartment. I don't even know what I can say.  If your not a pussy you will love this movie. It is just fun, so fucking bloody and brooooooooootal and hot.  Hot naked woman swimming,  Doc Brown is there to explain what caused this, Eli Roth gets Sleepaway Camped.  The massacre scene will make Nan King look like a Rainbow Bright cartoon.  I don't want to ruin anything but dick burp. Wow, What the fuck? go watch this. Titties and blood for 90 minutes, did I mention they fly at your face? They do. Piranha 3D came all over my face and I loved it.  I rubbed that shit all over my sweet titties and let it lick it off, and it loved it cuz its a dirty whore.

4/5

Tromeric

Burning Bright- Carlos Brooks

So a cute girl and a sped(oh sorry I beleive the PC term is tardburger) get locked in a house during a hurricane by their asshole step dad. Oh did I mention they are being stalked by one pissed off tiger?  This is the basic premise of Burning Bright.  No this is not a joke, it also isn't a made for Syfy movie. What it is is way better than it deserves to be.  Its like a decent slasher movie but you replace Michael Myers with Sigfried and Roy's arch nemisis.  It starts off with assdad meeting Meatloaf for a sketchy transaction to buy an evil tiger, then the daughter is trying to enroll her tard brother in some home, he's not like Corky tard, he is the I'll remember the whole dictionary and make sure you spread that peanut butter to the right and not to the left kind of dooode.  She feels bad cuz her mom offed herself and she doesn't want to abandon her little USB drive.  She wants to go to college though and she has some great plans to learn how to answer a phone or some shit.  I don't know why she doesn't just buy a stack of phone books and put him in a cage, he will keep himself busy.  Anyways here asshole step dad found her bank account and was able to clear it so she cant afford the school for abandoning her bro. Turns out he spent that money to buy said pissed off tiger.  Now he needs more money so he boards up all the windows and doors and lets loose the beast to kill off these pesky kids so he can get the insurance money. This is where I get confused, after all of this insanity and the fucking fact that this is a home invasion movie staring a tiger as the big bad Krug and this all takes place during a hurricane because the best way a dude could think of killing off a couple of kids was to set up a Rube Goldberg trap that P.T. Barnum would be jealous of.  With all of this said it is entertaining, full of suspense and looks amazing, they did not use any CGI that I could tell, its always a real tiger. I don't think you can properly describe this as it sounds insane and it is just something that needs to be seen to be believed.  So go watch it, Jesus fucking Christ why are you still reading this bullshit, go to the store and hook that shit up.











3.5/5



Tromeric

Mega Piranha- Eric Forsberg

Have you ever seen a Piranha the size of a short bus jump in the air and catch a falling soldier as if it was a tennis ball? Well I have. Now that we have established that I am better then you lets get to the review. Some things you need to know, the Asylum is a bad-ass company they are kind of brilliant. They take 10 dollars or so and steal other movies that have cost way more and make them awesome. Sure I could watch Snakes on a Plane, but I could also watch Snakes on a Train. They get washed up celebrities to make appearances and I eat it up. Debbie Gibson was in Mega Shark and Tiffany graces us with her presence for the Gem. I think were alone now, nope their are some big mutha fucking piranhas that are gonna eat your balls. The cinematography looks similar to the Genesis version of Echo the Dolphin, and the helicopter scenes are straight out of the Air wolf game for the NES. How can you actually review this, you cant, luckily I'm not known for my abilities to "write" or "think" I'm here to get drunk and type a bunch of nonsense that I can disguise as a review. Its like a decoder ring. Do you know what the fuck I'm saying? I don't half the time. Ill translate. Mega Piranha is really really bad but also really really awesome at the same time. It's like the S & M of Creature Features.


3/5

Tromeric

Bigfoot- Kevin Tenney

So the man that brought us the classic Night of the Demons stole the costume from the set of Harry and the Henderson's and made a Fox Family Movie about every ones favorite Crypto_Creature. Not a great film, I assume you guessed that. If your able to land at the the right level of drunk this is kind of entertaining.

1/5

Eric

Humanoids from the Deep- Barbara Peters

Classic 80's Creature Feature. Surprisingly gory and Brutal. Gratuitous nudity and great effects thanks to Mr. Bottin. The Noids Great grandpappys come to a small fishing town to do what any self respecting creature would do, kill some dudes and rape some bitches. They need to up the population so they are here to TCB. Not a whole lot to write that hasn't been said a million times, this is a classic of the sleazy 80s and deserves a spot on every horror nerds shelf.

3.5/5

Eric

Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent-Amir Valinia

Also known as Carnivorous, not that it matters. All that matters is DMX is in a alligator face killer snake movie, and in case you were wondering X is coming to get ya. In the beginning of this it seems like instead of a alligator head it should have a pumpkinhead as it starts off with a bunch of douche bag kids driving along and drinking and this nice small town couple is gardening or some shit and these kids hit the lady. This dude is now pissed so he draws some bad picaso like snake alligator and feeds it to some box, not a vagina but a wooden box with some craft warehouse style crafts done on it that bring the alligator snake alive to eat it some douchy twenty somethings. So now everything you expect to happen does, lap dances, sex with underwear and bra still intact, video game snake alligator plunges through dudes, snake alligator vision(which is sweet), DMX shows up with a missile launcher, you know the normal. Now this sounds bad I know, and it is. with that said, if your like me you cant help but watch this shit, I mean i bought snakes on a train and Megasnake for Christ's sake. My one complaint, aside from it sucking turtle shaft is that this snake alligator didn't save anyone from getting raped, i guess you could argue that its half snake but still, in my humble opinion its not a giant gator movie if at least someone isn't saved from rape just to get the shit eaten out of them at a later point. All in all this is shit, but what can I say, I must have a bit of a scat fetish.

1/5
Eric