Manborg- Steven Kostanski

A man is killed in action and brought back as a cyborg to fight Nazi demons in the future along with Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat. There is your basic plot. Is it a simple one? Yes, but that is part of Manborg's charm.

Astron 6 return with this dystopian future epic that seems to be a lost "Sega CD" game. This is a movie I would of grabbed off the shelf at my neighborhood video store as a child. Manborg could of ended up being a bad spoof, but instead it brings back all of the elements that made these movies great in the eighties/nineties. The acting is the right kind of bad, the writing is the right kind of fun, and the length is the right kind of short.

Manborg is a legitimate sci-fi/action film that can proudly sit on your shelf with films like "Robocop" and "They Live" as well as "Class of 1999" and "1990: The Bronx Warriors."

3.5/5


-Tromeric

Nazis at the Center of the Earth- Joseph J. Lawson

     Ummmmmm! Nazis at the Center of the Earth? OK, sold. My thoughts when I first heard about the asylum's newest addition to their catalog of awesome.
     A group of Scientists in Antarctica stumble upon a bunch of Nazis who with Josef Mengele  as their leader are trying to stay alive and cause some shit. That is all I am going to tell you plot wise. That is all you need to know. I don't want to ruin the awesome that is in this.
     The first hour of this is so brutal for an asylum film. It is surprisingly bleak and dare I say mean spirited. The gore is not lacking and actually has a few nail biting moments and while not perfect by any stretch of the imagination the acting is surprisingly effective. The guy that plays Mengele is especially awesome. He is actually menacing and believable.  The only real downfalls are some of the CGI is pretty atrocious and there may be a few plot holes.
     The last half hour completely switches and reminds you that you are watching an asylum film. This movie is so full of insanity your jaw will hit the floor.  I will not spoil this. It is so hard as my life is so much more complete after seeing this film. I want to shout it from the rooftops but that would be an injustice to anyone that hasn't seen this. It is on par with blurting out who killed Laura Palmer. You must watch this.


3.5/5

Tromeric

The FP- Trost Bros.

In a world where they use Dance Dance, oh shit they didn't have enough in the budget for that(not complaining) I mean Beat Beat Revelation to govern the streets you know shit is going to get real. The streets of the FP(Frazier Park) are beginning to look like Shit town. Btro one eight sevens when he is having a beat off with L Dubba E and Jtro becomes a bitch. He goes off to be Commando and cut down some trees. KcDc shows up and tells him about how shit has been in the FP. He then goes to meet BLT and sets out to clean up the FP and seek revenge.
     The FP is set in almost a post apocalyptic world and filmed like the best of the eighties action/adventure films. I kept waiting for Jtro and Stacy to go ass sliding. It may not be action from start to finish as there is numerous shots of people sitting around thinking or walking the down the lonely road. That is of course made up for with montages that would make Rocky Balboa throw in his towel.  I am not trying to question the pacing. The opposite actually.  It brings you back to a better time when MTV hadn't ruined everyone's attention span with jump cuts and Snooki.
The cast all play this pitch perfect. In what could be considered a ridiculous world(if you think this you obviously have never seen my drunk ass play DDR) that is quite the feat. They balance the ridiculous with sincerity and never ham it up to much. That is why I believe it works. You get cameos from Tack and that Steve Buscemi looking cop from Idle Hands and James DeBello takes a break from shooting gay squirrels to pack around a boom box and fuck shit up.
     It has been a long time since I have had as much fun in a theater as I did last night watching this. The Trost Bros created a full world of their own. All of the sets and costumes are fantastic, the music is the best since The Taint and they basically created the most comprehensive slang dialogue since A Clockwork Orange. Grab your moon boots, boombox and eye patch and get your ass to the theater to see what I can promise you will be in my top films of 2012.


4/5


Tromeric

     

   

Attack the Block- Joe Cornish

       The Green Street Hooligans vs Manbearpig.  Seriously the creatures looked like gorillas in the mist fucked a crite and that baby ate a raver kid.  That gets me to one of my only complaints. Their fucking mouths.  They were so CGI it was fuckdiculous. The aliens weren't the best thing I have ever seen but they were pretty bad ass till they opened the stupid mouths.  Since I got the complaint out of the way lets get into why this movie kicked me in my pregnant stomach.
     The Kids were bad ass to the core of the earth. I would not fuck with these kids and I was already buying my own cigarettes when they were born. They were tuff as nails and believable to boot. With out over explanation you got that they had some fucked up lives and banded together to take care of each other. Sure they were involved in some shady shit but deep down inside they were brothers at arms. 
      The story.  It got started right away.  It was like going on a date and sticking your hand up a girls skirt before she has told you here name.  What I mean is it was my kind of date.  The thing is this girl didn't push you away. She was into it and for the next ninety minutes you get to have wonderful filthy sex with her. 
     The gore. Bad ass.  There are some great scenes of faces being ripped apart, heads being tossed like a  beach ball at some shitty concert that Dave Matthews frequents. No Bro Rape though. Get your natty ice, your game cube and your roofies and watch these goonies talk some shit and kill some aliens.

4/5

Tromeric

Netflix bad movie marathon part 2: Texas Blood Money

This Saturday! Netflix Instant Bad Movie Marathon Returns…

Mr. Gable’s Reality. Morbidementia. She Blogged By Night. Vincent’s Handmade Art. Guts and Grog Reviews. 365 Horror Movie. Mrs. Gable. Krell Laboratories. Three Black Geeks. Life Between Frames.


WE’RE BACK BABY!! FOR
THE
Mega Awesome Ultra Crazy Always Amazing
NETFLIX INSTANT BAD MOVIE MARATHON!
(Part 2: Texas Blood Money)
Saturday July 16th, 2011 starting at 8:30e/7:30c/6:30m/5:30p

A History of Texas Blood Money
Why the tagline Texas Blood Money? This all boils down to one man… Mr Gable’s friend CG. Once upon a time they were ripping on movies and it was decided that all part 2’s need to have the tagline Texas Blood Money. Why? Because it’s fucking awesome, that’s why. So to this day Mr Gable continues the TBM tradition with every part 2 that he does. Why? Because it’s fucking awesome.
What is the Netflix Instant Bad Movie Marathon?
Over a month ago we had our first ever Bad Movie Night on Twitter. We chose 3 movies available on Netflix Instant that we deemed bad enough to be awesome. Then we watched them and ripped on them MST3K style via Twitter. Also, we drank pretty heavily and misspelled words constantly. But we had so much fun that we’re doing it AGAIN! Last time we were able to rope in a few people into doing this with us, let’s try to get a few more!
What can you do?
JOIN US! Get on Twitter, Fire up your Netflix Instant machines (if you’re watching on your computer you’ll have to download a plugin FYI), find a comfortable spot and rip these movies to shreds with us! Why? BECAUSE THEY DESERVE IT! Just be sure to post your Twitter handles in the comments section or seek us out on Twitter and let us know you’re in on the fun. (On Twitter you can add people to a list, that way you don’t have to follow on your regular newsfeed, you can just pick it up on the list. Also, we will be using the hashtag #badnetflix. It worked really well last time and anyone that sees our posts will be able to pull up that hashtag and see what everyone else is doing as well!
But let’s say you are a Twitter Hater. You find the thought of Twitter repulsive. Then PLEASE do this through any other means you think you can reach people worldwide! Have an active blog, update via facebook, throw a party on xbox, Skype it! Whatever you want to do, just whatever you do PLEASE let us know so we can follow along! And also keep locked onto our Twitter feeds to keep up to the minute with the world’s greatest bad movie commentary! (MST3K aside of course.)
By all means, make it your own. Maybe doodle pictures while you’re watching it, record yourself hating yourself for watching these movies, whatever you want to do!
Where can you find us?
Mr. Gable – @mrgablesreality
Mrs. Gable – @MrsGable1
Tromeric (Guts and Grog Reviews) – @Tromeric
Vincent’s Handmade Art – @vinstem
Scary Larry (Morbidementia) – @morbidementia
Stacia (She Blogged By Night) – @glitterninja
365 Horror Movie – @365HorrorMovie
Doctor Morbius(Krell Laboratories) - @doctor_morbius 
3BG- @3blackgeeks
chcircus(Life Between Frames)-@chcircus

and hopefully you!!!!!


What are we watching?
The Order of the Black Eagle

1987 – 93 minutes – Rated R
Directed by Worth Keeter (Director of A LOT of Power Ranger episodes)
IMDb Rating: 3.5/10 stars
Synopsis: In this outlandish spy-film send-up, James Bond wannabe Duncan Jax (Ian Hunter) and his tank-driving baboon infiltrate a South American lair where a group of Nazis scheme to revive a cryogenically frozen Adolf Hitler. Armed with high-tech gadgets and joined by sizzling hot lady agents, Jax turns his mission into a wildly explosive crusade against the fascist baddies. Worth Keeter directs this over-the-top action flick.
NOTES: There is NOTHING to hate about that synopsis.
Mafia vs Ninja

1985 – 91 minutes – Not Rated
Directed by Robert Tai (Director of A LOT of Kung Fu movies)
IMDb Rating: 6.0/10 stars
Synopsis: Mafia hit men and Shanghai’s fiercest ninjas mix it up in this action-packed martial arts film. After refusing to pay protection money to a violent group of gangsters, buddies Jack Do and Charlie Woo join an opposing mafia gang. When their boss, Mr. Chung, is killed by the rival gang, Jack and Charlie vow revenge and find themselves in an all-out war against ninjas and mercenaries. Alexander Lou and Silvio Azzolini star.
NOTES: This is the main event right here. I’ve watched about 30 seconds of it and had to shut if off because my face hurt from smiling. THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME.
Trespassers

2005 – 82 minutes – Not Rated
Directed by Ian McCrudden (Director of NOTHING.)
IMDb Rating: 4.0/10 stars
Synopsis: Looking to ride some killer waves and party hearty, Colin (Kaiwi Lyman) and his surfing buddies head for a secluded beach south of the border. But when the teens take a back-roads shortcut, they get hopelessly lost and end up at an abandoned campsite strewn with carnage. The hapless vacationers soon discover that they’ve stumbled onto evil terrain in this fast-paced horror flick directed by Ian McCrudden.
NOTES: Finally, some fucking TITS! That’s the only reason its here. That and it’s a perfect movie to NOT pay attention to after 3 and a half hours of drinking.
What time should you tune in?
The Order of the Black Eagle – 93 min – 8:30e/7:30c/6:30m/5:30p
*15 min break*
Mafia vs Ninja – 91 min – 10:20e/9:20c/8:20m/7:20p
*15 min break*
Trespassers – 82 min – 12:10e(am)/11:10c/10:10m/9:10p
Last words
Thank you to all who participated in last month’s Netflix Instant Bad Movie Marathon and thank you to all of you that will be participating this time! We are thinking about doing this once a month (our schedules permitting) because it’s just so cool to not only watch these movies and make fun of them but to watch movies with people who live IN ANOTHER PART OF THE WORLD.
And you don’t have to suffer alone.

(this was mostly(pretty much all) stolen from Mr. Gable and Morbidementia as I was lazy)

Mr. Gable and I did a little pre-funk with Captured a movie staring Wishmaster himself tonight to get warmed up, I am very excited as the last one was insanely fun. JOIN USSSSSS!!!!!!

Tromeric

Super 8- J.J. Abrams

    I walked into the theater a thirty one year old bad ass and within minutes of Super 8 had reverted back to child.  I mean seriously, when I went in there that camp counselor(yeah that one) would want nothing to do with my ass but Super 8 turned me into a kid, I shrank right there and I was 12 again, dick and all .  The counselor would not of been able to resist me the entire time I was watching it. Just a twelve year old with a rocking boner.
    I am not going to give away anything. The trailer gives away the perfect amount and I will not be guilty of ruining this. I will just say a few things.  Yes the monster is bad ass. Its frightening and still feels human at points.  The acting is great. The effects are amazing. Its a coming of age movie that should of been made in the time it is set. I knew these kids. I rode my BMX bike to their house to talk/study/watch/make movies with them. It is Stand by Me meets Alien. Its Spaced Invaders meets Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Its The Monster Squad meets E.T.. Its The Goonies meets Predator.
     Everything is top notch in every way. Get a big ass tub of popcorn, some friends and sit back and enjoy two hours of epic bliss.  

4.5/5

Tromeric

Drive Angry 3D- Patrick Lussier

     Holy shit I just blew a huge fucking load of sperm out my dick, it was flying towards the screen in slowmo when another batch of love juice shot out going faster and zoomed in and shot the first load in half that than bukaked all over the audience.
      Drive Angry is one big orgasm, right from the start it penetrates every hole you have and gives no apologies.  Nicholas Cage is less crazy then usual but still fucking hilarious and bad ass.  Amber Heard is so fucking sexy that after I left I had to walk around like a greater than symbol the whole way home.  William Fichtner gives one of the best performances I have seen in a long fucking time.  He is so subtly condescending, arrogant and laugh out loud hilarious that I stopped thinking about Amber Heards ass, briefly but still that has to mean something.  Everyone in this is at the top of their game, sure I'm guessing Oscars wont be handed out but everyone is entertaining as shit.  All the supporting cast is great as well, Christa Campbell, David Morse, the dad from the rapey eyed vampire films and of course mother fucking ATKINS!!!!
      The plot is simple, Nicholas Cage is pissed because his daughter eats dick hangs out with crazy Christ freaks that are actually Satan loving hippies and gets herself killed.  He comes back from "prison" to make jokes, fuck, fight, shoot in slowmo and drive like James Taylor.  Along the way he has to deal with old enemies, cops, cult members and an accountant from hell.
     This movie does not need to be analyzed,  it doesn't matter. It is a road revenge supernatural action comedy full of nudity, gore, and car chases.  Its a popcorn movie, only its a popcorn movie where you pull your dick out, cum all over the popcorn, set it on fire and throw a baby on the semen covered bucket in hopes that the dark lord will take you on a joy ride.

Tromeric


3.5/5

Centurion- Neil Marshall

Neil Marshall is a weird mother fucker.  From Werewolves to caves to the apocalypse to this. I personally have enjoyed all of his films for different reasons but so far so good. Now on to Centurion.  The epic movie has been attacked many times and while occasionally it works for me its few and far between. It just seems like most of the time  spend the first three fourths of the film watching these people wander around or ride their horses and maybe something cool might happen, maybe they will just walk around for ten hours to get to a lake.  Not this one, within fifteen minutes bitches were getting their heads ripped, slammed, speared, smashed and cut to shit.  It was like Braveheart with less Jew bashing. This is an hour and a half of badassary. How can you not love the Romans, they fought the most epic battle ever when they put that carpenter on that cross and created that Nausea record cover.  Its like watching a porno where the guy cums 182 times in one film.  The story here is basic but interesting, I wont go into it as it is not important. I don't mean that it isn't well written because it is, I mean you already know if you want to watch it so I'm not gonna waste your time. I don't have to much to say on this, Its a lot of fun, its interesting, its well done, its violent as fuck and its Neil Marshall. Do you need much more than that.


3.5/5

Tromeric

Predators- Nimród Antal

Rickity the Field Mouse, Eric Forman, Razor Charlie, Angélica, and Jimmy Jump wake up after drinking some mountain dew.  After exploring for a bit they come to the conclusion that they may not be in Kansas anymore. That's just the first couple minutes, after this

badassary ensues. Fuck the Rush Hour sequels AKA the Alien vs Predator movies. Bullshit ass shit I say. Predators have not been bad ass since the Glove took em on back in the day in Los Angeles. This is by no means a masterpiece, its slightly predictable, and pretty basic story wise. Who gives a fuck, its two hours of ass kicking, spine ripping, beheading, and killing the fuck out of predators and humans alike. This movie is more fun than putting Christopher Reeve at the bottom of the stairs and setting his lazy chair at the top. Akira Kurosawa guest directs a scene and it is fucking amazing. Ok that may be a lie, but I still think his ghost was involved somehow.  There is a few homages to the original which are awesome but not recockulous. The music is great not as great as the wonderful Alan Silvestri score but still very fitting and definitely  inspired by the original.  Evan is making me ramble, if you need more than this to go out and see this you may be nothing more than a slack jawed faggot, make the time, see I don't have time to bleed but I do have time to see this and you should to, get to the chopper and thank that fairy tale in the sky that there is finally another Predator movie you can get behind.

3.5/5

Tromeric