Manborg- Steven Kostanski

A man is killed in action and brought back as a cyborg to fight Nazi demons in the future along with Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat. There is your basic plot. Is it a simple one? Yes, but that is part of Manborg's charm.

Astron 6 return with this dystopian future epic that seems to be a lost "Sega CD" game. This is a movie I would of grabbed off the shelf at my neighborhood video store as a child. Manborg could of ended up being a bad spoof, but instead it brings back all of the elements that made these movies great in the eighties/nineties. The acting is the right kind of bad, the writing is the right kind of fun, and the length is the right kind of short.

Manborg is a legitimate sci-fi/action film that can proudly sit on your shelf with films like "Robocop" and "They Live" as well as "Class of 1999" and "1990: The Bronx Warriors."

3.5/5


-Tromeric

Easter A Go-Go: A Story of Rabbits, Torture, and Booze

     So Jesus may be my least favorite cryptozoological creature, I mean he ain't got shit on Bigfoot or  Chupacabra, but any excuse I can use for a marathon at the house of grog I will take advantage of like a Grandmother with alzheimers.  I wanted to do an all day/night marathon but by the time I got done serving people their bullshit Easter lunches and got home and got in the zone(sat on my porch with shots and smokes) it was already eight o'clock.  Peter Poison and I started off by giving ourselves res-erections with one of my favorite sequels that doesn't take place in college.

Critters 2: The Main Course- Mick Garris

     We meet Brad who has come back from the big city. Coincidentally the bounty hunters along with the town drunk Charlie are also stopping back in town to kill some mother fucking krites. We meet the townspeople who consist of Lipshitz from Whoopee Boys, Brad's grandma who teaches kids the right way to BM, the sexy small town reporter who in the words of Brad is "Jimmy Olson with breasts." Well I have a boner. These are just a few of the townsfolk. The town punk trades some eggs he found off the set of Poultrygeist for beer and Playboys because he knows what you need to survive. These eggs start hatching like an alligator in a sewer and the krites start unleashing their awesome. There of course are some casualties, not just the humans either. The krites have some pretty epic death moments. A dad steps on one of the eggs right before it hatches and it looks like the worst case of whiskey swamp butt ever, he isn't concerned though. He just thinks it's a Cadbury egg. That is just in the beginning. I will get to the rest. We gotta get back to the bounty hunters. They get suited up, and by that I mean turn into a Playboy model and yell "Kill Krites" a lot. The Krites are now causing so much tomfoolery you know shit is going down. They take over Shitlip's restaurant and turn it into their very own Good Burger. They love cheeseburgers more than those cat memes. Lots of them meet their demise here. One becomes licking good fried while one get's his hair shot off. While some take over the burger joint a bunch of others take on the rest of the town fucking shit up like they are the racoons from the Great Outdoors. This all just keeps escalating until we get one of monster cinemas best creatures. Critterzilla!
     Critters two is one of my favorite sequels, in fact it is just one of my favorite eighties horror films. It is not perfect but the effects created by my favorite Killer Klowns are a blast, the story is fun and as far as Easter themed horror it is at the top of the list. That should be a special category in the AFI.

    Now that Critters was over it was time to change the tone of things. We switched the disc over to the film that holds the award for most Jesus beating. The Passion of the Christ. Intoxication was fully set in by this point and the munchies(snacks not the Gremlins rip off) had set in. I attempted to make some popcorn but my drunk ass didn't bother taking the plastic off and just melted shit all over my microwave. I got my shit together and got some corn popped, grabbed some pop rocks and made another drink and sat down to watch this shit.

The Passion of the Christ- Mel Gibson

     We meet Jesus in a set more fog machine engulfed then a youth group stage production. He is taken to the guys from the California Raisin's Christmas special where they tell him he is crazy and a blaspheme. He is then set upon his journey to carry a cross, get beaten more than a girl in a Max Hardcore film, be whipped so much that I kept waiting for the Romans to tell him his name was Toby, run into some creepy ass kids that chase Judas like it's Hostel, see what Zelda Rubinstein looks like as a baby and run into the devil who happens to be the singer of Midnight Oil.
     The Passion is two hours of Jesus walking up a hill. It is like Lord of the Rings but more exciting. Along the way we also meet his mother who is a foot fetishist, Mary Magdalene who took a break from getting raped for nine minutes to be Jesus' whore and some of his disciples that sell him out quicker than a Mondo poster. Jesus just keeps getting beaten. Over and over. There is also lots of falling. He get's beaten then he falls. This film has more falling than a Julie Cruise song. This goes on and on with a couple quick breaks to teach us that Jesus built the table and his mom is a fucking idiot. This is all building to the climax which......Spoiler Alert. Jesus gets crucified, I am fine with Jesus getting crucified but did I really need to see his moose knuckle? After he is crucified they stab him just in case the hours of Jesus beating wasn't enough. That is a great moment as it reigns blood all over the crowd. This is where the film could of gotten even cooler but I will save that for another time.
     All jokes aside the passion is an excellent film. It is beautiful, powerful and well shot. The effects are some of the best I have ever seen. While I gave up Dungeons and Dragons years ago I still can appreciate this as a great movie as powerful as it is exploitative.

     At this point I am beyond drunk. I have left reality. Steph Infection shows up with Pizza and a "special" peanut butter that is exactly what I needed to add to the intoxication. Now that the Jesus beating was over, I had something in my stomach aside from alcohol and added peanut butter that would send me to a new land it was time for gigantic killer bunnies.

Night of the Lepus- William F. Claxton

     In this alternate reality where Janet Leigh survived the shower she has to take on a bunch of giant rabbits that have a taste for crayola crayons.
    I love giant animal movies. It's no secret. This is one of my faves. They use cutting edge technology known as the mother fucking zoom button to create these beasts. These giant rabbits wreak havoc on everything from horses to Warwick Davis' house . They chase trucks down(where was the "objects may be closer than they appear" joke?) and get shot with paintball guns as if it was Friday the 13th part 6.

    This was  a perfect way to end the night. I wanted to keep going but to be honest by this point I wasn't even sure what planet I was on. Next year I will have to start earlier so I can add Easter Bunny Kill! Kill!, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, Subconscious Cruelty, and Begotten to the Easter fest.


- Tromeric

Silent Night, Deadly Night: All Day Drunken Marathon

    So after a night of debauchery with many of the Grog's contributors which included lots of booze, gift exchanges, wandering of the streets of Portland, multiple bars and strip clubs and just all around family fun I slept for a few hours, got up and started an epic journey.  It seemed right. It is only a couple of weeks away from Christmas, and even though I am seeing Silent Night, Deadly Night in all its 35mm glory next week, I wanted to sit down and watch all five of them in a row with nothing but a couple bottles of booze, a notebook and my sanity. I was curious which of those I would have left when it was over. Well I am proud to say pretty much the notebook is all that made it out, and that is just further proof of me losing my sanity. I sit here the next day at the crack of noon with a notebook that supposedly has reviews of all five films. I am getting out my decoder ring and trying to decipher this long lost language I created.

Silent Night, Deadly Night- Charles E. Sellier Jr.
  
    A family goes to see their Grandpa who gives grandpa from Troll 2 a run for his money in the crazy department. When he gets Billy alone he scares the shit out of him. They then leave and see a stranded Santa on the side of the road. Thinking they will win parents of the year award they stop so the kids can meet Santa early. They have instead signed their death warrants and created a couple of monsters. This Santa brings rape and murder and we have him to thank for the next ten hours of my life.
   We now jump ahead and Billy and his brother Ricky are just hanging out being orphans with a bunch of boring ass crazy nuns.  Billy draws a sweet picture of a reindeer getting decapitated that mirrors many of the pictures I drew back in elementary that got a call home to my mom about my stability. Well since they don't have a phone that reaches six feet under they just punish him. He then catches some teens having some pretty awesome Catholic guilt sex. The mega bitch nun now whips him in a scene that has turned on pedophiles for years.  We now jump ahead again and Billy is all grown up. He gets a job at a toy store.  Everything seems fine until they ask him to be Santa and he thinks about it and is like "I am insanely afraid of Santa, he killed my parents while I watched and I wake up screaming from night terrors dealing with it every night, sure I'll be Santa, why not?" Well maybe he didn't actually say this, but it was implied.  We are now where we want to be. The reason you go to see Silent Night, Deadly Night is to see a madman dressed like Santa punish and kill innocents. Silent Night delivers. There are some super creative kills, fun campy dialogue and Billy is basically the Bukowski of killer Santas with all his poetry reading.
    Silent Night caused quite the controversy when it was released.  Every major critic condemned it, Jesus freaks were disgusted with it and there were more protests at screenings than you would find at a liberal arts college. People take shit way to seriously. Have fun. When I was a kid I watched it and it didn't traumatize me. I loved it. It scared the shit out of me, which is what I was going for so good job. Today when I watch it I have a blast. It is a fun yearly tradition and the house of grog is not complete without a viewing of it.
4/5


Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2- Lee Harry

     Silent Night two follows Ricky, Billy's younger brother who saw him gunned down after his exploits in the first one. He is in a psych ward learning about his feelings.  Silent Night two is so many flashbacks to the first one it is hard to count it as a separate film. You get moments of Ricky using his eyebrows to tell the story of Billy and other crazy things but it isn't till about forty five minutes in you really get any new footage. With that said. I don't give a shit because part two is god damn amazing.
     You get such memorable moments as a redneck trying to rape a girl who takes a break to get a beer. Ricky then runs him over for which the girl thanks him. Finally a intelligent woman in a horror film. She recognizes that Ricky is like every crocodile from any giant creature film and is the rape avenger. She is appreciative and not whiny like " you're crazy! Why would you kill someone that was attacking me? That makes no sense."  Once Ricky gets a gun the fun really begins. He takes out his girlfriend like Bambi's mom because he realizes she's a lying whore. "Garbage Day"  two words that will forever live in infamy thanks to this movie. If nothing I say convinces you how awesome this is, let me tell you "Garbage Day" will. It is the best line reading in the history of film. The Acadamy owes Eric Freeman an apology for not winning best actor in 1987. That's right, " Fuck you Paul Newman" The Color of not garbage day is more like it. It comes to its finale with Ricky vs the nun that looks like Seal. Now that is a fight I would pay to see, and have many times.
4/5

Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out- Monte Hellman



     I always remembered liking three the most outside of the first two but after revisiting them all back to back I feel I was wrong. Monte Hellman takes the reigns for this and is the first one to take the Christmas theme out, it is there in the background and used as a backdrop but overall it is a paranormal slasher.  Ricky who is in a coma after the events of two is being treated by Benjamin Horne himself, Richard Beymer. He has a patient who is the world champion of blind orphans, he realizes she can get into Ricky's dreams and thinks he can somehow fix Ricky.  This of course goes all wrong when Ricky wakes up and starts stalking her. He gets a ride to her grandmas house with some dude who doesn't think it's weird that he is in a robe and looks like the bad guy from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. She is there with her brother who is played by another Twin Peaks alum Eric Da Re who looks like the result of Kenny G joining W.A.S.P.

     It has moments of fun, and some cool shots which I am sure Monte had a lot to do with. You get more flashbacks in case you didn't get enough in part two and the cast is pretty rad with all the Twin Peaks faces, as well as another Lynch lady Laura Harring who shows off her boobies before science fucked em up.  Bill Moseley gets the part of Ricky which is quite different from the other two psychos he is known for as Ricky hardly speaks, as he has a glass cage for a head.  In the end it is pretty forgettable but for the completest like me it is a must own.
2.5/5

Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation- Brian Yuzna

    Brian Yuzna came along and was like "yeah I'll make SNDN4 but instead of Christmas I am gonna fill it with bugs and witches."  (*may not be an accurate quote)
     A lady jumps off a building while being on fire. Clint Howard(who plays Ricky, not sure how that works) finds a burger with no cheese. He is pissed. A newspaper worker decides she wants to be a real reporter so she investigates and ends up getting sucked into a world where the cast of The View  chases her down, gives her an insect facial and invites The Applegates over. Her vagina pukes and she is transformed into a combination of Belial and Grant Grant.
     This gets a lot of hate and I don't get it. It is nothing like the other films. It can't be compared to the other films. It is full of slimy, splattery awesome that only Yuzna can bring.  The score is done by Full Moon favorite Richard Band and it is full of "surrealistic visual effects" by Screaming Mad George.  When I saw that credit I must admit I chuckled but after finishing the film it works and I can totally get behind it. Like Brad Pitt did for Gwyneth Paltrow get your head out of the box and enjoy this.
3.5/5

Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker- Martin Kitrosser

    The final entry brings us Mickey Rooney who was very vocal of his distaste for the first one as a toymaker who runs a shop called Pettos's. His name is Joe so I guess it is suppose to be clever, to me it is the complete opposite of what you should call a store for children unless your store is in the back of a windowless van. Mickey Rooney looks like the left side of a ball sack anyways so what does he know? I will tell you something he knows and that is how to make toys even cooler than they already are.  The surrealistic visual effects are back in full force and Yuzna steps down as director and just sticks to producing this time. 
    SNDN5 opens with a very Lynchian slow mo shot of a kid watching his dad get killed by a bad ass evil Santa that he found on his doorstep. We then jump ahead a bit and the kid doesn't talk and is not so stoked on Christmas. I don't get it. He sees a commercial for the toy that killed his dad and freaks out. Get over it dude. I don't throw a hissy every time I see Maximum Overdrive.  The next seventy minutes or so are filled with plenty of awesome.  Toys that shoot, a real life Leech Woman, Roller Blades that kill you(which they should), fake arms that will finger your butt hole like the one that got away a giant size Ken doll trying to rape a lady with his nodick while calling her mom.
     The Toymaker is an excellent film that should be watched and not compared to the other SNDN films but set aside in its own world of badassary.
3.5/5



     Well I survived. Five films, lots of liquor, and a notebook of what would be memories if I could understand them or remember them.

Tromeric

555- Wally Koz

     555 is another classick shot on video from the eighties.  Look at that cover. How can you not want that.  I think I saw this when I was a kid but again I watched so many of these god damn movies that sometimes I am not sure.
     Right off the bat this movie wins me over.  A score that makes me dance like a madman, not mars but still a madman.  In the opening credits there is a Frankie say relax reference. Sweet.  Best Frankie reference since Chosen.
    The acting in this is fucking wow. They talk into the camera like they are making JCVD and they have about as much emotion as BTK when he was explaining killing all those woman.  The other acting of note is the yawning. The cop yawns with about as much precision as Keanu Reeves coughs in Constantine. The killer who looks like Charles Manson and thinks he is in a Jorg Buttgereit film(cuz he fucks dead people) sounds like the breather from Student Bodies.
     The characters in this are also epic. The stereotypical detectives, the go get em reporter that talks about super gluing her snatch a cooch closed, and the diner owner who looks like Joe Piscopo with grease stains. Shit yeah I would eat at his restaurant.
     Now lets get to the important stuff. The kills. Fuck yes they are amazing.  In your face lets cut a bitch and saw a guys head off and show you all of it. None of this pussy cutaway shit in your face like cum to Jenna Jamison's face.  The blood is bright ass red and you stand up and cheer like its the end of an eighties inspirational film every time someone gets the shit killed out of them.
     This movie is a prime example of why I am glad I grew up in the eighties. No one had a shitty computer program that made them think they could be a filmmaker. The thing is they knew they weren't  and they still are like "fuck it" I got this video camera bigger than the local news uses and some red paint and girls that will get naked. Shit yeah lets make a movie.

3.5/5

Tromeric


  

Lunch Meat- Kirk Alex

     An eighties shot on video classic that gets less love than an adopted child in a house full of bloodline relatives. 
      I remember seeing this on the shelf at my local video store when I was a wee lad.  The cover was always amazing to me and I can't for the life of me remember if I ever watched it. I would assume so as I pretty much rented everything in the horror section but still watching it today was amazing and seemed familiar and new all at the same time. I want to thank Bobby over at Horrorstuff for rekindling my interest in this bad boy.
      Some douchy teens are on a trip and run into some rednecks that like to murder kids and sell them to the store to make meat to put in your kids lunchables container.  It's like Gummo but not at the Chinese restaurant. Now you have the plot.
     Lunch Meat like many eighties horror films has its flaws but that is part of the charm.  There are some slow parts, the effects are pretty bad but fun as hell.  The acting is while not the worst I have ever seen not getting any nods from the academy.   The music on the other hand is excellent. Haunting and repetitive almost would jump to the conclusion Trent Reznor was inspired on his score for the recent academy award winning score for The Social Network. I am not kidding. I have had it stuck in my head since I watched it. 
     Lunch Meat is a perfect example of why I am glad I grew up in the eighties.  All heart, maybe after years of smoking and drinking and cocaine abuse but still a big mother fucking heart.

3/5

Tromeric

Madman- Joe Giannone

     Madman is the epitome of an 80's slasher. Kids sitting around a campfire telling stories about a crazy killer and sure enough he starts killing them. There is nudity, bloodshed and people doing stupid shit.
     I love Madman.  The opening song they sing around the fire is so fucking amazing I want it played at my funeral. I always think about the happy campers song from Sleepaway Camp two and while that is amazing I think the Madman song is highly underrated.  The kills in this are basic but still awesome. Lots of headless teens saying Ill be right back then getting their heads cut off like it's an Alice Cooper stage show.  There is not a lot to write. I did say it's an 80's slasher right? 

3.5/5

Tromeric

The Simpsons: Tree House of Horror a Retrospective

 

     Being thirty one and growing up I am sure it goes without saying The Simpsons played an integral part in my growing up. Since I also was a huge horror nerd and spent more time on the playground talking about Chucky and Freddy than I did about about poontang and the Halloween special was something I looked forward to more than finally blowing a load(seriously it was like three years of dick chafe) after jerkin my gerkin. I loved all the references to Dracula and Clockwork Orange and plenty that at the time I didn't get. Seeing Bart as the raven was amazing as I was a huge Poe fan and every year there I would eat my candy and laugh my god damn ass off. This of course continued into High School and beyond. There was a few years I would say fifteen to nineteen that I didn't have TV and to be honest had grown tired of The Simpsons. Since then I have went back and watched all of them and for the most part love most. My biggest complaint would be the Mr and Mrs Smith one. Wow, who gives a shit? That movie wasn't horror and lasted about five minutes in the spot light. 

    I have been wanting to sit down and watch all of them back to back for a while now but just never found the time to do it. I knew it would be fun, I also knew it would be painful. I have learned over the years that all marathons get hard no matter how good the subject is. I am not talking double features I am talking balls to the wall marathons. I have done everything from A Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Halloween, Saw, Puppet Master, Children of the Corn, Tremors and Critters. Over at the Badnetflix Crew   I am known as captain of the endurance division. The grog does help but by the end of any of these marathons I am tired, drunk, irritable and question my sanity. That of course doesn't stop me and I will always to them as Pinhead would agree pain is pleasure.  Well the time came and I saw an opportunity so I took it. Steph Infection was here and Gabe Nye the Science guy was gonna come join in.

Do you know what the fuck that means? I don't.

I had booze, and snacks and monster cereals. It was go time.  As I watched each episode and got more affected by the grog my notes got more confusing and nonsensical, but at the same time I think they portray what I was feeling pretty well. Here is a actual episode guide if you want to see where I am coming from but I would just like to share with you my madness.       My handwriting has always been considered a form of abstract art but after two fifths even I don't understand everything. I will use a secret decoder ring I got in my box of Fruit Brute(I wish) to desipher what is happening and you may have to put yourself in my world to grasp what is going on. Are you ready for this challenge? If so here are my drunk observations on every episode of Tree House of Horror(which as I found out was not called that till episode thirteen). Enjoy?

Episode One 

Haunted house story
When a Stranger Calls reference

Poltergeist reference

Aliens Rule, kind of a Hansel and Gretel in space

Edgar Allen Poe

Bart's a Raven

Episode Two

Bride of Frankenstein Hair

Monkeys Paw

Twilight Zone

Frankenstein meets Robowar

Thing with two Heads

Episode Three

Alfred Hitchcock Presents

Alex from Clockwork Bart

Gremlins meets Trilogy of Terror

King Kong

Smithers doesn't think girls and seaman mix

Night of the Living Dead meets Return of the Living Dead meets Serpent and the Rainbow

Episode Four

Night Gallery  Opening 

The Devil and Homer Simpson= The Devil and Miss Jones

Devil Flanders

Hot Dog Jokes

Terror at five and a half feet(Wheres Shatner?)

Burns as Dracula

Lost Boys

Charlie Brown Christmas

Adams Family Simpsons song

Episode Five

Outer Limits intro

Shining like a mother fucker

Freddy/Jason/Pinhead/Frankie/Mummy

Ray Bradbury's Sound of Thunder

Episode Six

Sleepy Hollow

Attack of the 50 Foot Woman

Godzilla Roar

Nightmare on Elm Street references like a mother fucker

Episode Seven

Innerspace?

Twilight Zone of course

Earth vs The Flying Saucers

Episode Eight

Omega Man- Obviously. I am as drunk as Hasslehoff and I got that.

The Fly

Spy vs Spy

Origins of Halloween

The Crucible meets Witches of Eastwick

Episode Nine 

Freddy and Jason on couch gag

Stay Tuned?

Starship Troopers

How Stella got her Groove Back reference

Jerry Springer in his hay day

Episode Ten

I know what you did last Summer

Weekend at Bernies 

Xena

Sixties Batman

Pauly Shore and Tom Arnold

Rossie O Donnell not in S & M

Episode Eleven

Munsters Intro

Ghost Dad title

This episode was Casey Anthony's inspiration

Fairy Tales without Linea Quigley

Free Willy fucked Echo the Dolphin

Jaws reference with less bush

Deep Blue Sea but more white

Dolphins are Indians

Sea=Casinos

The Birds reference

Quote of the day "I wanna punch a dolphin so bad." - Gabe Nye the Science Guy

Episode Twelve

Psycho House

Flinstones and Shining twins costumes

Thinner without road head

Bart is like those African lady's I used to jerk off to in National Geographic

2001 reference

Harry Potter

Episode  Thirteen

Officially becomes Tree House of Horror

Multiplicity

Dr Strangelove to save the day

Apocalypse Now FTW

Island of Dr Moreau

Episode Fourteen

Charlie Brown opening

Benny Hill

Reefer Madness title

Frankenstein

Staying Alive Walk=less retarded than Spider-Man 3

Jerry Lewis

Superman vs Patty Hearst=Amazing

Fantastic reference

Episode Fifteen

Perfect Strangers intro

Dead Zone(I use to have Dead Zone powers)

Homer is Lex in Smallville

Jack the Ripper

Sherlock without dinosaurs

Fantastic Voyage

Episode Sixteen

13 Ghosts fucked The Most Dangerous Game

Edward Scissorhands reference

A.I. is a douche

Like that episode of Buffy where her mom fucks Giles

Bewitched reference

Sports jokes make as much sense to me as reality does to religious nutzos

Episode Seventeen

Tales from the mother fucking Crypt opening

The Blob without the less Dillon(who I like better)

Homers stomach is like that bitch from the new Twilight trailer

Sir Mix a Lot song upgraded

DER GOLEM

Day the Earth stood Still

Episode Eighteen

Kenny Loggins Jewish Space Creature

ET

One Flew over the Cuckoos Nest

Fuck you Mr and Mrs Smith

Ramones!!!!

Hell House-Christian Scare doc reference

Devil Flanders 2: Electric Boogaloo

Transformers reference

Episode Nineteen

Transformers

Foosball for real

Madmen

Prince is deadaroo

John Wayne in Heaven

Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown

Episode Twenty

Monster Squad sports heroes

Heath Ledger without pill popping action

Dial M for Murder

Hitchcockapalooza

Hitch Cameo

28 Days Later

McBain meets Terminator

Phantom of the Opera

Random musical bullshit

Episode Twenty One

Office intro with monsters

Satan=Awesome

Board Games come to life= Told the future IE Battleship

Titanic reference

Dead Calm is pretty sweet

Second Clockwork costume

Twilight Simpsons>Twighlight

Jock from Can't Hardly Wait is Dracula?

I wanna hang out with Count Chocula, Dracula, Grandpa Munster, Elvira, Blacula, and the Muppet Drac

Well I spent my whole day watching this and hope that someone out there can figure out what the fuck I am saying. I don't know. 

Tromeric

Elves- Jeffrey Mandel

    Another movie to add to the growing list of Christmas movies. This movie is everything you want from the eighties. Bad ass creature, gore, over the top acting, a guy that looks like John Carl Buechler( I am looking at you Grizzly Adams), and titties.
     The plot of Elves is fucking insane. I swear it was written by someone with borderline schizophrenia.  The elves were made by Nazi's  to become solders and fuck hotties and fuck up Christmas and taunt little boys. They used the family guy manatee ball method to make this shit up. Guess what though? It doesn't matter.  It is a sweet eighties movie with awesome effects that you can drink and have a blast. Dan Haggerty is like the coolest dude ever in this. You just wanna hang out with him. He is smart, inspirational and knows how to kill a fucking elf.  You also get incest and a cunt nugget mom who kill's cats and than gets her comeuppens which I always love seeing. You gonna fuck with a cat I hope your vagina gets fried till it's licking good fried. Yeah fuck you cat hater. Cry me a river, your daddy fucked you. He is in a wheelchair. If you cant stop an old dude in a wheelchair you were asking for it.

      So final thoughts. Who gives a shit what I said or what the box says. It is a movie called Elves. Killer fucking Elves.

3.5/5

Tromeric

C.H.U.D. - Douglas Cheek

     One of the great New York eighties classics.   This movie is so dirty and grimy and awesome. It is one that is forgot often but is always nice to revisit. Kind of like your neighbor that played the I"ll show you mine if you show me yours game with you. Since you were a kid you have seen many things that look better but she still always holds a place in your heart. 
     The effects in this are epic. The creatures have stayed in my brain since I was a child. I used to walk to the video store up the road from my house to rent this on a pretty regular basis and one thing I always remembered were the god damn hideous fucking Chud's.  Well here I sit drunk off my ass at thirty one and god damn they still creep me the fuck out.
     C.H.U.D. is strange as it is one you don't hear about often but everyone remembers. F.K.U. wrote a song about it, as my sentence four lines up insinuates it is used in  other films. Kevin Smith remembers C.H.U.D. as he makes several references to them in his films and I always see shirts and posters all over the place.  John Goodman has a small role as does Bushwhacked himself Danial Stern. The music is classic and I stand by C.H.U.D. If I was given the option to watch C.H.U.D. a hundred times while someone penetrated my dickhole with a toothpick or watch through the Saw films once I would have to think about it. So yeah, what I am trying to say is C.H.U.D. is bad ass. Is it as good as C.H.U.D. II? Check the next review to find out. See what I did there? I am like an episode of lost.

3.5/5

Tromeric

Ghoulies II- Albert Band

      I love the Ghoulies. Anyone that has ever read my shit knows that. They are bad ass and come from a toilet. Three is the best, hell one of the best movies in general and Wynorski directed four. It kinda sucks but Wynorski is a God and used the suits from Troll for it. The first one is sweet and has Jack Nance in it. Yeah Eraserhead mother fucks, not to mention that Suicidal Tendencies video. He must of been more of a coke fan.  Well lets get on to this shit. Ghoulies 2 where they will get you in the end....again. Marketing genius.
      The thing about all the Ghoulies films besides three is......they don't talk. What? I don't get it.  That's like if the first Homeward Bound was just a bunch of animals running around and not saying amazing things like "Birdzilla."  Let's make Babe: Pig in the City with a mute pig. This is not a Bresson film. OK. Fuck you.  With all that said. I can forgive this for a few reasons. The first being that these Ghoulies love W.A.S.P. Yeah. Blackie Lawless screams until we like it. The second is Royal Dano. He is playing a different character than I am used to. Yeah, he doesn't even have a dog. Crazy right? The third reason is Ghoulie puke. Yeah these assholes puke on so many people it's like a Lucifer Valentine flick.
     Well what are you waiting for? Marathon this shit.  Four movies that's only like six hours. Get a bottle and some friends and enjoy.

2.5/5


Tromeric

Netflix bad movie marathon part 2: Texas Blood Money

This Saturday! Netflix Instant Bad Movie Marathon Returns…

Mr. Gable’s Reality. Morbidementia. She Blogged By Night. Vincent’s Handmade Art. Guts and Grog Reviews. 365 Horror Movie. Mrs. Gable. Krell Laboratories. Three Black Geeks. Life Between Frames.


WE’RE BACK BABY!! FOR
THE
Mega Awesome Ultra Crazy Always Amazing
NETFLIX INSTANT BAD MOVIE MARATHON!
(Part 2: Texas Blood Money)
Saturday July 16th, 2011 starting at 8:30e/7:30c/6:30m/5:30p

A History of Texas Blood Money
Why the tagline Texas Blood Money? This all boils down to one man… Mr Gable’s friend CG. Once upon a time they were ripping on movies and it was decided that all part 2’s need to have the tagline Texas Blood Money. Why? Because it’s fucking awesome, that’s why. So to this day Mr Gable continues the TBM tradition with every part 2 that he does. Why? Because it’s fucking awesome.
What is the Netflix Instant Bad Movie Marathon?
Over a month ago we had our first ever Bad Movie Night on Twitter. We chose 3 movies available on Netflix Instant that we deemed bad enough to be awesome. Then we watched them and ripped on them MST3K style via Twitter. Also, we drank pretty heavily and misspelled words constantly. But we had so much fun that we’re doing it AGAIN! Last time we were able to rope in a few people into doing this with us, let’s try to get a few more!
What can you do?
JOIN US! Get on Twitter, Fire up your Netflix Instant machines (if you’re watching on your computer you’ll have to download a plugin FYI), find a comfortable spot and rip these movies to shreds with us! Why? BECAUSE THEY DESERVE IT! Just be sure to post your Twitter handles in the comments section or seek us out on Twitter and let us know you’re in on the fun. (On Twitter you can add people to a list, that way you don’t have to follow on your regular newsfeed, you can just pick it up on the list. Also, we will be using the hashtag #badnetflix. It worked really well last time and anyone that sees our posts will be able to pull up that hashtag and see what everyone else is doing as well!
But let’s say you are a Twitter Hater. You find the thought of Twitter repulsive. Then PLEASE do this through any other means you think you can reach people worldwide! Have an active blog, update via facebook, throw a party on xbox, Skype it! Whatever you want to do, just whatever you do PLEASE let us know so we can follow along! And also keep locked onto our Twitter feeds to keep up to the minute with the world’s greatest bad movie commentary! (MST3K aside of course.)
By all means, make it your own. Maybe doodle pictures while you’re watching it, record yourself hating yourself for watching these movies, whatever you want to do!
Where can you find us?
Mr. Gable – @mrgablesreality
Mrs. Gable – @MrsGable1
Tromeric (Guts and Grog Reviews) – @Tromeric
Vincent’s Handmade Art – @vinstem
Scary Larry (Morbidementia) – @morbidementia
Stacia (She Blogged By Night) – @glitterninja
365 Horror Movie – @365HorrorMovie
Doctor Morbius(Krell Laboratories) - @doctor_morbius 
3BG- @3blackgeeks
chcircus(Life Between Frames)-@chcircus

and hopefully you!!!!!


What are we watching?
The Order of the Black Eagle

1987 – 93 minutes – Rated R
Directed by Worth Keeter (Director of A LOT of Power Ranger episodes)
IMDb Rating: 3.5/10 stars
Synopsis: In this outlandish spy-film send-up, James Bond wannabe Duncan Jax (Ian Hunter) and his tank-driving baboon infiltrate a South American lair where a group of Nazis scheme to revive a cryogenically frozen Adolf Hitler. Armed with high-tech gadgets and joined by sizzling hot lady agents, Jax turns his mission into a wildly explosive crusade against the fascist baddies. Worth Keeter directs this over-the-top action flick.
NOTES: There is NOTHING to hate about that synopsis.
Mafia vs Ninja

1985 – 91 minutes – Not Rated
Directed by Robert Tai (Director of A LOT of Kung Fu movies)
IMDb Rating: 6.0/10 stars
Synopsis: Mafia hit men and Shanghai’s fiercest ninjas mix it up in this action-packed martial arts film. After refusing to pay protection money to a violent group of gangsters, buddies Jack Do and Charlie Woo join an opposing mafia gang. When their boss, Mr. Chung, is killed by the rival gang, Jack and Charlie vow revenge and find themselves in an all-out war against ninjas and mercenaries. Alexander Lou and Silvio Azzolini star.
NOTES: This is the main event right here. I’ve watched about 30 seconds of it and had to shut if off because my face hurt from smiling. THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME.
Trespassers

2005 – 82 minutes – Not Rated
Directed by Ian McCrudden (Director of NOTHING.)
IMDb Rating: 4.0/10 stars
Synopsis: Looking to ride some killer waves and party hearty, Colin (Kaiwi Lyman) and his surfing buddies head for a secluded beach south of the border. But when the teens take a back-roads shortcut, they get hopelessly lost and end up at an abandoned campsite strewn with carnage. The hapless vacationers soon discover that they’ve stumbled onto evil terrain in this fast-paced horror flick directed by Ian McCrudden.
NOTES: Finally, some fucking TITS! That’s the only reason its here. That and it’s a perfect movie to NOT pay attention to after 3 and a half hours of drinking.
What time should you tune in?
The Order of the Black Eagle – 93 min – 8:30e/7:30c/6:30m/5:30p
*15 min break*
Mafia vs Ninja – 91 min – 10:20e/9:20c/8:20m/7:20p
*15 min break*
Trespassers – 82 min – 12:10e(am)/11:10c/10:10m/9:10p
Last words
Thank you to all who participated in last month’s Netflix Instant Bad Movie Marathon and thank you to all of you that will be participating this time! We are thinking about doing this once a month (our schedules permitting) because it’s just so cool to not only watch these movies and make fun of them but to watch movies with people who live IN ANOTHER PART OF THE WORLD.
And you don’t have to suffer alone.

(this was mostly(pretty much all) stolen from Mr. Gable and Morbidementia as I was lazy)

Mr. Gable and I did a little pre-funk with Captured a movie staring Wishmaster himself tonight to get warmed up, I am very excited as the last one was insanely fun. JOIN USSSSSS!!!!!!

Tromeric

The Deadly Spawn- Dougles Mckeown

     Giant penis alien monsters chew up bitches and devour young children. Its like a catholic preschool. One of my favorite films from the eighties, it has it all. Splatter bloody fun and gigantor nipples.
    


4.5/5


Tromeric

From Beyond- Stuart Gordon

     The man that brought us Re- Animator, Dagon, Castle Freak and of course Honey I shrunk the Kids uses some surprising source material with an H.P. Lovecraft story(that's sarcasm).
    Gooey, gory, slimy and sexy this is a perfect example of what makes the 80s so amazing.  Jeffery Combs and Barbra Crampton reunite after Re-Animator and this time they are joined by Ken Foree. Ken Foree is tuff as shit in most movies, not in this. He acts like he is but then he goes down like Macaulay Culkin and I don't mean like that one time at MJ's house I mean like Wu Tang....Killa Bees. Aside from that this movie is bad ass and should be watched by all.

4.5/5


Tromeric

Jaws of Satan- Bob Claver

     Bob Claver yeah the Bob Claver that directed a bunch of the key episodes of the best sitcom outside of Alf. Yeah I am talking about Small Wonder mother fuckers, well he brings us a movie with the most believable premise since The Blind Side.  Is that huge ass snake Satan incarnate? Why yes it is.
     It starts off a little slow but once a priest a witch and a snake meet up and start fucking shit up you cant help but enjoy this shit.  A cobra who so happens to be Satan shows up and makes other snakes such as rattlers do sweet things like stand up and slowly harass a semi naked woman in bed for about as long as the shower scene in House on the edge of the Park. We find out Satan is after this priest and one priest says to another "a priest would make a bright flame in hell." That quote alone makes this movie way better than you.
     It was made in the early 80's, it's kinda slow, it is however pretty badass and sure you may need some drinks and some friends to make fun of it with but all in all Jaws of Satan is a fun ride. It's like that girl you met at the bar.  It's a lot of fun but you may not talk about it ever again.

2/5


Tromeric

The Garbage Pail Kids- Rod Amateau

    So due to a challenge called out by Mr. Gable himself three brave solders set out to play a game of torture and gambling of their own self worth with a viewing of the 80's sleaze kids debauchery known as the Garbage Pail Kids.    It was on this weekend in March that Morbid Dementia, Mr. Gable and I Tromeric set out on our mission and because we are brave warriors(or in my case because of the massive amount of booze) we survived this mission with very few injuries.  These are our findings. Look below for my review then make sure you follow the links to the other two as they actually succumb to the English language.


     People like to complain about this movie, they talk about how bad and cheesy and ridiculous it is.  Excuse me? Are you talking about that movie based off a set of trading cards where they shit their pants and vomit and fart a lot?   I would just like to let everyone know that that movie staring The Fat Boys as orderlies isn't Oscar worthy. Jesus people what did you expect? I am sorry Orson Wells
did not come back from the dead to lens this modern masterpiece of farts and vomit. I will take the next sentence or two to explain this gem, if it takes that long.
     Dodger works at the antique store from Friday the 13th the series, he is like 12 and in love with a twenty something year old who is boning a Kevin Dillon lookalike reject named Juice who has nothing to do with 2Pac.  Juice and his gang?(one douche in a fishnet vest and some viking woman in some gross ass leotards) like to fuck with Dodger and Tangerine doesn't seem to mind.  A fight ensues and the gross garbage can that Captain warned him is the only thing not to fuck with of course opens up.  Dodger is thrown into the sewer where we finally meet our friends the GPK.  They get him all cleaned up, piss shit and puke on him(most movies with this I have to get at a different kinda store). Well for the next hour we see the kids make him some "sweet" stylish cloths that Tangerine can exploit by shoving her hot little 80's boobies in his face.  The kids get into trouble and all kinds of shenanigans ensue.  They meet up with some bikers at the toughest bar in the world. This is good as they will need their help when the poor little shits get taken to the asylum for the ugly.  Well you get it, it is pretty God damn basic but what the fuck did you expect.
     In closing I will reiterate, how do you not know what to expect?  I mean its the mother fucking Garbage Pail Kids.  I used to ride my Schwinn Predator(not that dude in the windowless van with unlimited candy or the alien warrior but a sweet bike) to the corner store with whatever change I could scrounge up just to buy a pack and laugh my ass off at what clever bodily function they made a character out of. This movie is by no means perfect, it like the bible is full of plot holes and confusing and supposedly has a message but is so convoluted it is laughable, but I will take the same stance many people seem to take on the bible and look the other way and just except it.  I mean for fucks sake its the God damn Garbage Pail Kids, I don't remember Jesus giving anyone a hot lunch, if he did I may of taken a different path in this life.  So I guess what I am saying is don't be a pussy.  GPK for life.

3.5/5

Tromeric



Alright try and sober yourself up after that and make sure you head over to Mr. Gables and Morbid Dementia's for their take.

The Horror Show- James Issac

     This movie is so underrated.  It was marketed as House 3 which isn't a bad thing as I love the House movies.  It however like Halloween 3 has nothing to do with the franchise it is named after.  The thing is, it doesn't matter.  Think of it as House 3, think of it as The Horror Show a complete stand alone film, think of it as your moms mangina.  It doesn't matter this is pure 80's gold. It is so much gold you could make a back up pair of dentures for Lil Jon.
    Frank Black(not from the Pixies) has some dreams, in this dream a scary ass dude with a skullet has a cleaver that can cut threw anything, it's like the Ginsu of cleavers.  Anyways he wakes up and somehow this dude has actually drawn blood. I wonder how, oh yeah because Jim Issac has Seen Nightmare on Elm St.  Dr. Jarret now goes off to see mc skullet get the chair.  The movie now twists into Shocker as Issac also saw that craven movie. Now Ed Harley is a little freaked and starts going a little nuts. His family is concerned but they love him.   Bishop is eventually expected of murder and he has to save his family.  That is the basic synopsis.
      This movie owns as much as the white man owned Kunta Kinte.  KNB serves up some amazing effects.  The electrocution, the pregnancy, and the fucking turkey. Blood Freak would be jealous. This movie takes everything amazing about the 80's and rolls it up into a dumpling.  Now that you know about Bai Lings aborted fetus lets get back to the horror show.
     No, I mean it. Go fucking watch it.


4/5

Tromeric


Gabe Nye what do you think?  I just wanna point out that your thinking is a bit off as you state that House 3 has nothing to do with the first 3 House movies.   Your science may be tight but your math is not.  I revoke your mathlete status.

     Fantastic movie, absolutely great entertainment. Sure, it has nothing to do with the first three House movies, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a lot of fun to watch. You’ve got Lance Henriksen versus one of the crazy replicants from blade runner, some really mind blowing special effects, and a surprisingly original story. If nothing else, you need to see the turkey scene, absolutely top-notch. Not a whole lot else to say, but if you’ve held off on watching this one just because it’s a “part III” or because you couldn’t find it, you’ve got no excuse now. I’ve told you it’s awesome, and you can stream it through Netflix. Watch it now, even if you’ve never seen the first two House movies, and thank me later.

4/5

Gabe Nye the Science Guy

Dark Night of the Scarecrow- Frank De Felitta

     Fuck you answers.  I love the 80's as far as horror films go for this very reason.  Dark Night of the Scarecrow is a made for TV movie from 1981(TV was so much cooler back then)which is only like a little over a year past when I cut myself out of my moms.  I was one, that's one year past the age of rape consent in some country's. 
     Dr. Giggles is a sped.  He is friends with the McPoyle sister.  One day they are playing and she gets hurt, all the locals assume he did it, obviously he did.(oh rednecks) They chase him and turn him into a scarecrow and shoot the fuck out of him.  Oops, I guess a dog hurt her. Lucky for the dicks responsible in 81 judges dont give a shit about lynch mobs.  It happens.
     These fucks are set free like Dead Prez and shit starts to happen, one guy has a psychic vision of Fargo, one guy drowns in a big vat and Rick Moranis doesn't show up to drink 8 gazillion ounces to save him and a gas stove explodes as if it was an atomic bomb. 
     I was worried that this wouldn't hold up, albeit not perfect it is a lot of fun and takes me back to my hood, and by that I mean childhood not the area I was raised in and bought shit at the corner store from but before I was in my teens motherfucks. 

3.5/5

Tromeric

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers- Dwight H. Little

     The producers realized that not having Michael Myers in a Halloween movie may not of been the best idea financially speaking, so as the title hints at he has come home again.  I have very fond memories of this entry albeit not a "good" film it is a lot of fun.  I remember the first time I watched it I was over at a friends house it was like 2 AM we had the house pitch black and his grandma was passed out in here moth ball filled room.  Michael Myers raised his knife and at that moment the loudest phone you have ever heard in your life rang and scared the fucking bejesus out of me.  I clenched my sphincter as tight as possible to stop the flowing spring of fecal matter fighting to get out. Anyways aside from that there were a couple good kills and scares as well.  Now that I have shared a portion of my upcoming autobiography I will move onto the film that stands on trial.
     It is ten years since Michael Myers escaped and killed some kids and terrorized his sister that somehow he found. Dr. Loomis is still at it and Michael escapes again.  Well naturally he heads back to Haddonfield where he naturally has some more kin he found out about.  I guess Laurie dug up Ben Treymer's body pulled a kissed and made a baby, then said baby got adopted and went back to Haddonfield where she coincidentally bought the same clown costume that Michael wore when he hacked his sister to death after some weird V.C. Andrews shit went down. This is where I would make a Last Boy Scout reference, but I can't as 365horrormovie beat me to the punch.  I guess I kind of did anyway. I am such a cheater, hopefully a film crew doesn't catch me in the act and broadcast it to a bunch of woman who enjoy watching that kind of thing.  Anyways back to Halloween 4.  Loomis is back for the attack and since most of the police force was taken down he feeds a bunch of rednecks cases of Schmidt beer and they get in their four by fours and go out on a hunt.   All in all its not a masterpiece, it wears its flaws on its sleeve.  It is however a fun ride and far better than what is to follow.
     
3/5

Tromeric

Halloween 3: Season of the Witch- Tommy Lee Wallace

     When I was a kid this movie pissed me off so bad.  I brought home the VHS popped it in and as I sat there confused wondering where the fuck Michael Myers was and thought about how bad I wanted to do a flying dick punch to everyone involved.  Well as I got older I grew to appreciate this as long as I thought of it on its own.
First off I want to apologize to everyone involved for my hate and anger that I felt.  How could I hate anything that mother fucking ATKINS was involved in?  I should give myself up to scary German guy and let him eat me to death.
      Silver Shamrock makes some masks and they shoot some kinda Oregon Trail computer laserblast into peoples brains that give them typhoid.  Atkins turns from Dr to detective and seduces young grieving girls into fucking him while Andrew Packard gives some fat kid a tour as if its a chocolate factory. 
     The music in this is bad ass and the effects are fun and creepy at the same time.  The transformation scenes define the 80's perfectly and well Stonehenge and witchcraft equals badassary.

3.5/5

Tromeric

Truth or Dare: A Critical Madness- Tim Ritter

I remember renting this from the ma and pa video store down the road from me when I was like 10.  It has always stuck in my brain but never got around to watching it again till now.  This dude catches his wife with another dude stuck inside her. He freaks out and go to the mountains and freaks the fuck out and plays, you guessed it truth or dare.  He unlike me when I was a kid decides instead of getting the girl in the sleeping bag or to tickle his little balls hes gonna go all USA network secret cutting and rip his tongue out and shit.  Ranger Rick finds him and he gets sent to the tard ward.  Reagan had cut funding so he is released where he just goes and kills his wife's new fuckadoodle and try's to kill her. He gets sliced like Joan Rivers face and gets sent back to the crazy shed.  He escapes transforms into a bunch of different people and goes and fucks shit up.  He drives into the future and steels Michael Myers mask from Rob Zombie's  Halloween and then goes on an old school 80's slaughter.  He chainsaws a little league kid that probably just got molested anyways he decides that 3 old people at a bus stop are columbine students and mace to the face on a old bitchy lady that looks like Mrs Ochmonek  from ALF.  This is an 80's horror film. It's not that good, its slow at times and there are tons of tits and long shower scenes and dead body's.  This is the era I grew up in and loved and still love.  You dont need lots of money or a good story or talent, just get some girls to take a shower and kill some stupid people in various ways and Ill pay to see it.  Final thoughts. A lot of fun for a shitty movie. Get some Camo 40's and sit back and waste 90 minutes of your life and be happy you did.



2.5/5

Tromeric