This Is So Not Good: Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark- Emile Edwin Smith

Another shark movie. Didn't see that coming. The Asylum unleash more beasts onto the small screen. This time one of them happens to be made of metal, and will not be used for chum.

The megalodon is back. This time it is tearing up Australia. Good thing there is a married couple driving a metal shark. They are accompanied by Nero, an operating system with a little more control than probably necessary. They don't take kindly to megalodons, and spend like an hour trying to destroy it. Unfortunately they have no luck. The good news! Debbie Gibson took a  break from masquerading with the Circle Jerks to do some science. With the help of a couple beakers and a computer, she finds out the shark just really wants to bust a nut. He has some massive build up of shark sperm, and it is making him see red. The only cure. Find a sexy shark, bang, and fill the sea with BP levels of goo. They decide to use the metal shark as their own personal black widow. It plays out like an episode of Loony Toons where Bugs dresses up like a lady to arouse Elmer Fudd long enough to end him.

As has been stated many times. When it comes to these giant creature films. You already know what you think. They are not high art, and never were meant to be. If you enjoy the shenanigans of video game sharks and hilarious one liners, this is for you. If you prefer something original and well thought out, probably want to skip this one. If you want to let all your reservations go, turn off your brain, and put yourself in an entertaining coma, can I recommend Mega Shark vs ............


3/5


-Tromeric

Piranhaconda- Jim Wynorski

     I love creature films. I always have and I always will. I am a bit to young to have enjoyed the heyday when they were always at the drive in but even as a kid in the eighties I would get some thanks to horror hosts and VHS. I loved all the atomic era films even if I didn't live through them. In the last few years we have gotten a slew of them thanks to companies like The Maneater Series, The Asylum and Roger Corman getting back in the game. These are shclock. You don't watch them expecting to be changed, you watch them because you want to have fun. I know 2 Headed Shark Attack didn't change the face of cinema. You know what it did do? Gave me a huge nerd boner and made my day better. Is that so wrong?
     Piranhaconda, like Sharktopus starts out with an amazing theme song. This time it is a rockabilly song with the voice of an angel basically telling us what we are in store for, as if we didn't know. We meet up with Michael Madsen who is looking for eggs with his team. They quickly get the shit eaten out of them, hell the Piranhaconda even takes down a helicopter.  My question is why did the pilot think he could get away from a monster in a helicopter? Hasn't he seen Lake Placid or Mega Shark? They love to eat flying food.  I just want to point out that this is at four minutes  and fifteen seconds. Yeah! You get to meet the monster before the five minute mark and it devastates people. Thank you Mr. Wynorski for giving the people what they want. We then meet up with the rest of the bunch they are making a movie called Head Chopper which from what I can tell might be a sequel To Carnage: The Legend of Quiltface. A movie that I would love to see within a movie I am loving to see. Today is awesome. Well quickly some of the crew becomes fish snake.  food. Now that we have gotten some action it is time to bring some more story in. To accomplish this Michael Madsen gets kidnapped and the movie crew joins him soon after. Now Piranhaconda can really fuck some shit up.
     This movie delivers exactly what you want in a movie called Piranhaconda. The pissed off snake eats the shit out of so many people leaving nothing but limbs flooding the beach. The characters are all pretty entertaining  and the dialogue is pretty quick witted. You have all the classics. The airhead actress with a rocking bod, the smart unattainable final girl and the stud who happens to be the stuntman that plays Head Chopper and let me tell you he would make Steve Railsback jealous with his skills. The bad guys are pretty cliche but that is OK. They are just food for the snake.
     In the end like most of these you now whether you are interested in seeing it. I for one am usually happy with these and add a name like Wynorski and it pretty much means excellence. This guy continues to roll out fun and entertaining films for us to enjoy in spite of the whiny critics who can't figure out he knows what he is doing. It is not that he is incapable of making a "great film" it is that he doesn't give a shit and he just wants us to have fun on a Saturday night.


3/5


Tromeric

31 days of Horror Nerd Indoctrination- Day Twenty Nine: TV

     Horror and TV. In my opinion Movies are the greatest medium and I do my best not to waste my time watching shitty reality TV when there are amazing films to be seen, however through the years the boob tube has been pretty god damn rewarding when It comes to horror. As a Kid I would watch reruns of The Munsters, The Adams Family, Twilight Zone, One Step Beyond and even Dark Shadows if I wanted to get my woman on.  It was great. Rod Serling was my favorite host and The Munster's were my favorite family.  I wanted to trade in my life to move to 1313 Mockingbird Lane.

     I would sneak over to my friend Ryan's house and to watch Freddy's Nightmares. It wasn't the best show by any means and Freddy was barely in it but it was fun and I still revisit it from time to time.  His intro's were, well kind of ridiculous but I just couldn't help myself, hell I still can't.  Friday the 13th also got its own show, Jason had nothing to do with this. It was about an antique shop and hunting down possessed objects.  I have very fond memories of this and have recently watched through all of them and really like it. It's like Halloween 3. You have to forget that it's linked to Friday the 13th and it rules.  Poltergeist and Swamp Thing also got their own shows. I have watched a few Poltergeist episodes but it never stuck with me.  Swap Thing however I fucking loved and still do. Twenty two minutes an episode and most are pretty ridiculous but I just fucking love it.  It has such a unique feel to it.

Over the years there have been many a great anthology show, it kind of started with Twilight Zone but in the eighties  and nineties they really took over and we even have had some this millennium.  The quintessential of course would be Tales from the Crypt. I watched the shit out of this show. Every week I was glued to the TV like the time I had that accident with the super glue. The Cryptkeeper was perfect, he was creepy, kind of an asshole, and funny as shit.  So     many great guest stars and directors were involved in this and so many memorable episodes. The Santa one is a Christmas must and my personal favorite was the Harry from Night Court episode where he draws pictures and they come to life. When he made his wife a fat gross monster I was terrified and excited at the same time, I mean she was kind of hot.   Monsters, Alfred Hitchcock presents and Tales from the Dark side pretty much were similar without the cryptkeeper. They were fun but like that song  Sinead O' Connor wrote about the cryptkeeper, "Nothing compares to you." Night Gallery was Rod Serling's horror version of Twilight Zone and it was phenomenal.  Nightmare Cafe was fun for like the six episodes it lasted, not really anthology but the cafe kind of makes me feel like it was the shows cryptkeeper. Anthology shows got a resurrection in the oughts when Masters of Horror premiered on Showtime. While a lot of people hated on this show I found a lot of the episodes to be excellent. The standouts for me were Stuart Gordon's Dreams in the Witch house and Don Coscarelli's Incident on and off a Mountain Road with Takashi Miike's never aired Imprint a fun fucked up ride, kind of like having sex with the girl you know that has all the issues that benefits her performance if you know what I am saying.  All the episodes for the most part are entertaining. It only made it two years and tried to reinvent itself as Fear Itself on NBC with mixed results.

In the nineties and into mid 2005 Joss Whedon controlled the airwaves with his vampire tales, first with Buffy the Vampire Slayer which had failed as  a movie and then the spinoff Angel. I always enjoyed the movie for the campy fun and was hesitant to watch the show. I always assumed it was made for teenage girls.  Well I finally gave in and was instantly hooked. Sure you had your love bullshit but there were so many great characters and the writing was excellent. Angel went over to his own show with mixed results. The first season started strong and I actually enjoyed Angel where in Buffy I thought he was a whiny douche.  Some seasons worked for me and some didn't,( I am looking at you season four) but by the final season with Spike moving over to the show it was damn near perfect.

There have been tons of other great shows of course, some funny, some serious, all fun.  Twin Peaks which is my favorite show of all time may not be strictly horror but it has some of the most horrific scenes ever played on prime time. Wolf Creek was A Twin Peaks rip off with werewolves that got canceled faster than a Joss Whedon show but was a good time killer. Reaper and Dead Like Me were more numerous takes on horror. Ray Wise as the devil in Reaper is fantastic plus you get half of Tucker and Dale(Dale).  Dead Like Me was entertaining while still being creative and emotional.  Mandy Patinkin owns his role and the rest of the cast is amazing, and Daisy O' Dare gives me a rock hard boner, and that's important. Eerie Indiana was like a cross between Twin Peaks and X Files for kids. One of my favorite shows ever didn't get the life it deserved.  Sam Raimi did American Gothic which was really creepy and fun and also like many of the great horror shows cancelled early. Millennium was Chris Carter after he saw Seven. Lance Henriksen owns this role as Frank Black and is a great fucking show. It made it threeseasons and all three were completely different in tone. Speaking of Chris Carter you know I have to talk about The X-Files.  One of  horror/sci-fi's longest running shows. I would walk over to my friends every week to watch it and loved it. Scully was so hot and Mulder was hilarious. The monsters were awesome and for TV is was pretty fucking terrifying.

     As a kid there were two shows that got my little kid boner raging. Are You Afraid of the Dark and Goosebumps.  Kids horror is important as it fattens them up for what's to come and these are two of the funnest shows out there. I still watch both of these all the time. Classic and amazing.

     One last mention is of course MST3K. I have watched all of these so many times. Some of the first times I saw a horror or old sci fi movie was because of this. The jokes are hilarious, the aliens are hilarious, basically everything is amazing about it and if I could sum up the way I felt as I child this show does it.


Tromeric

Behemoth- David Hogan

     Mr. Gable is doing a MANEATER week over at his place. What else do you do for fourth of July week that doesn't involve wanting to get out of taxes and covering blankets in smallpox?  I myself can't think of anything so of course I jumped in, as any chance I get to watch shitty movies with shitty animals that fuck shit up is right up my alley. So up my alley we go.
     MANEATER is basically the asylums retarded little brother on food stamps, and I don't mean the new hi tech credit card style. I mean old ass monopoly money food stamps. If you haven't figured out what I am saying it is that the MANEATER series is basically amazing.
     Behemoth is a disaster movie with a gigantic Graboid Medusa monster causing quakes and making the CW"S guest star line ups boobs to shake. A whole lot of other TV actors round out this cast of badassary, most notably William B. Davis who doesn't even smoke one cigarette.
     MANEATER like the asylum are not necessarily "great" films but they are super entertaining and they have so much heart Harry Warden is probably nearby waiting to give them the pick axe. Recommended only to people with severe problems that enjoy fun shitty sinema if that's not you I suggest you get a wrench and unscrew your asshole a bit because it is wound up tighter than that "special" kids toy he got from McDonald's.


2/5


Tromeric

Mega Python vs Gatoroid- Mary Lambert

      The director of Pet Semetary brings possibly the best of the Mega movies.  The Asylum just keep getting bigger and better.
     Debbie Gibson liberates a bunch of snakes and Out of the Blue(see what I did there) decides to free them in a pond like two feet out of town. They get big and eat shit so Tiffany gives some gators roid rage and people start getting eaten, including Tiffany's boy toy, yes I think Tiffany is alone now(I did it again).Its go time and all the redneck hunters are out for snake blood. It was like Swamp People without Troy and CGI gators. Gators get bigger and Snakes get longer. CHAOS.
     As I have said many times I love The Asylum. They got this movie right. It starts right off the bat. The gators look bad ass and its got plenty of funny moments. It's nonstop kill after kill after hilarious bad acting with creatures that will fuck your shit up.  You will witness the most epic fight scene ever. It gives They Live a run for its money.  Their is a montage to what I assume is a Debbie Gibson song that is fanfuckingtabolous.  Animation, science and gators growing at a rapid rate. Debbie Gibson in a white wet short ass dress and Tiffany's boobs are always in lens.
      I suggest all get a sixer put this on and just sit back and be entertained.


3.5/5

Tromeric

30 Day Horror Challenge day 23

    Only one week to go on this challenge. We are at TV movie. A tricky but overall fun genre.  A made for TV movie has some aesthetic about it that I generally enjoy.  The 70's and 80's brought some of the best with Dark Night of the Scarecrow, Trilogy of Terror,  Gargoyles, New York Ripper,  both Wes Craven and John Carpenter have dabbled in the TV world with pretty entertaining results.  Today we see the onslaught of SyFy's creature movies that are generally bad ass.  I almost went with Sharktopus as my choice but all the other croc's, gator's, sharks, and any other creature you can think of are a good watch with some friends and beer.  There is of course one man who holds the record for made for TV and that is Mr. Stephen "Watch out for that car" King.  Who can forget Pennywise or Barlow.  Storm of the Century was great and I even enjoyed The Stand and The Tommyknockers.  The list goes on but the one that stands out for me and I still remember watching when it first aired was....

     This has it all. Greasers, cool cars, amazing hair, zombies and the story just sucks you in instantly, not to mention it spawed the best sequel titles since Breakin and City Slickers. F.K.U. named their sophomore record after it and it rocks my balls off.


Tromeric

30 Day Horror Challenge day 22

     I am a sucker for pretty much any horror TV.  I grew up watching amazing cartoons like Count Duckula, The Real Ghostbusters, Toxic Crusaders, Tales from the Cryptkeeper, Groovie Ghoulies, no to mention The Beetlejuice or Attack of the Killer Tomato cartoons.  Speaking of cartoons once a year The Simpsons has brought memorable entrees into the genre with their Treehouse of Horror episodes. Growing up there were many great anthology shows such as Tales from the Crypt, Monsters, or Tales from the Darkside or the kids versions Are you Afraid of the Dark and Goosebumps and of course reruns of The Twilight Zone which was mostly Sci-fi but still had nods to horror all over the place.  Speaking of Mr Rod Serling Night Gallery which was a more straight forward horror show had some great episodes. The Munsters and Adams Family gave me my dose of horror comedy while Freddy himself brought me A TV party, sure it wasn't the best show on, but I didn't care it had Freddy fucking Kruger.  Friday the 13th also stepped into the small screen without Jason inexplicably but still a great fucking show and one of the shows that almost made it for my pick.  The X-Files kept Mulder and Scully looking for the truth from week to week but in between the Flukeman and the crazy inbred family  from home were there to scare the shit out of me.  Swamp Thing got a half hour to be a bad ass andBuffy the Vampire Slayer brought seven years of bad ass monsters mixed in with drama and life. Angel got his own spin off which had some amazing moments and seemed a little more grown up but had a couple story lines that made me want to lock my mythical kids in the trunk and drive into a body of water.  Reaper and Dead like me brought kind of a teen comedy feel to the genre while Dark Shadows brought the daytime soap action. Masters of Horror and Fear Itself was built on a great Idea and had some amazing episodes but a fair share of misses as well.  We are in kind of a resurgence of horror TV.  True Blood and The Vampire Diaries give us our Vamp fix, Supernatural continues to rule and brings everything from monsters to Angels and Demons without Tom Hanks.  The Walking Dead got an amazing start and how can you not love the lovable serial killer Dexter. England brought us Being Human which sounds like a laughable premise but plays out very dark and tension filled while Canada brought one of the best and unique horror shows with Todd and the Book of pure Evil. As you can probably see I love horror TV. It was my childhood and continues to be something I enjoy revisiting and seeking out. With all of these examples there is one show I have to go with. It may not be the best, it didn't last that long but when all is said and done I fucking love it and I continue to watch it to this day.

    Errie Indiana was basically The X-Files in Twin Peaks for kids.  Joe Dante was a consultant and it had some great guest stars like Tobey McGuire, Danielle Harris, Matt Frewer, and Michael J. Pollard not to mention John Astin and Harry Goaz where regulars. It unfortunately didn't even make it a full season but I will always stand by this show.


Tromeric

Dark Night of the Scarecrow- Frank De Felitta

     Fuck you answers.  I love the 80's as far as horror films go for this very reason.  Dark Night of the Scarecrow is a made for TV movie from 1981(TV was so much cooler back then)which is only like a little over a year past when I cut myself out of my moms.  I was one, that's one year past the age of rape consent in some country's. 
     Dr. Giggles is a sped.  He is friends with the McPoyle sister.  One day they are playing and she gets hurt, all the locals assume he did it, obviously he did.(oh rednecks) They chase him and turn him into a scarecrow and shoot the fuck out of him.  Oops, I guess a dog hurt her. Lucky for the dicks responsible in 81 judges dont give a shit about lynch mobs.  It happens.
     These fucks are set free like Dead Prez and shit starts to happen, one guy has a psychic vision of Fargo, one guy drowns in a big vat and Rick Moranis doesn't show up to drink 8 gazillion ounces to save him and a gas stove explodes as if it was an atomic bomb. 
     I was worried that this wouldn't hold up, albeit not perfect it is a lot of fun and takes me back to my hood, and by that I mean childhood not the area I was raised in and bought shit at the corner store from but before I was in my teens motherfucks. 

3.5/5

Tromeric

Maneater- Gary Yates

     The Gingerdead man himself Gary Busey takes on a tiger that is well, a man eater.  I went into this expecting a made for TV shitty movie about a tiger that eats people. Low and behold that is what I got, what did surprise me though is the lack of CGI and somehow Gary Busey pulls of the best acting he has done in a long time. Actually everyone in this holds their own as far as acting goes.  No one will be getting an Oscar by any means but compared to say Grizzly Rage or The Swarm I gotta admit I was impressed. 
      So the basics are Mr. Busey is the Sheriff of some shit hole town where you guessed it a tiger gets loose.  Then you have some kid that is brought up in a trailer with his crazy ass mom who wont let him play with all the other little boys or go to school or do any of those weird things kids do like socialize or learn facts.  The interaction between these two is priceless at one point the mom says something like "while I'm at work no make beleive just read your bible."  I guess she doesn't realize that the bible has more fantasy and rape than Deathstalker 2.   Next up we have a dude with possibly the coolest mustache ever.   He has shown up from England to have tea and crumpet's and listen to music on his record player, oh and kill a tiger because obviously that's what he does.  The Tiger keeps killing people and eating them, except the little boy.  I thought Christians were suppose to get fed to tigers, oh that's lions. My bad.
     I am a sucker for giant or killer animal movies. I don't really care if they are good or not I always enjoy this shit, except for Spiders 2, that made my butt hole bleed.  While this is no Burning Bright(a killer tiger movie that was surprisingly effective) it is put together with way more suspense and entertainment that it has any right to.   If you want to have 90 minutes spent watching Busey be crazy and tigers eat some folk then boy have I found the movie for you.


2.5/5

Tromeric

Every other day is Halloween- C.W. Prather

Oh to be a kid again, I unfortunately didn't grow up in the DC area so as a kid I did not get to experience what seems like something that would of definitely been a huge part of my childhood if I had. I did grow up watching USA up all night and Joe Bob Briggs Monster vision as well as all the Elvira videos that came out. which I still have some of my fondest memory's this side of actually cumming after rubbing myself raw to the JC Penny's catalog. Even as a "adult" I have since visited and revisited many of these shows, thanks to the internet and underground bootlegs. This is a fun, well crafted, entertaining document of a time that many fans will never forget. Everyone involved obviously had and has so much love for what they did and are still doing to this day. The people that it affected still hold a fondness that one would not expect, Jeff Krulik and Steve Niles being among many of the people interviewed make you wanna go back to sitting in front of the TV eating Count Chockula and watching the horror films of your childhood, for me its Puppet Master, Bad Channels and pretty much anything Full Moon put out, but it could be anything. This is for anyone that appreciates that feeling you got and is not only Valid for people who Watched Count Gore De Vol specifically. I cant say enough good things about the count or this doc, order this, people like this keep horror alive and have been doing so for many years.

4/5

Tromeric

Children of the Corn(2009)- Donald P. Borchers

So this time around Linda Hamilton turned black and started dating pat smear the Soul Reaper, and Peter Horton is actually a international Spy/Terrorist. Dexter's Stepson Wears a hat that he bought at the state Fair's humorous giant hat booth. The married couple this time don't like each other that much which leads to some hilarious antics, and since hes a Vietnam vet he gets to have sweet flashbacks where the guy that did the effects for laser blast puts in his two cents. Overall this is pretty bad, but I will say all the Kid deaths are awesome, surprisingly brutal, snapping a fat kids neck and impaling a four year olds jugular is pretty god damn funny, and awesome, when the kid is hit by the car, wow...rent this shit and if you enjoy seeing kids get obliterated u can look past the fact that nothing that made the original kind of frightening or interesting is here, but like I said Kids get the fuck killed out of them.

1.5/5

Eric