Piranhaconda- Jim Wynorski

     I love creature films. I always have and I always will. I am a bit to young to have enjoyed the heyday when they were always at the drive in but even as a kid in the eighties I would get some thanks to horror hosts and VHS. I loved all the atomic era films even if I didn't live through them. In the last few years we have gotten a slew of them thanks to companies like The Maneater Series, The Asylum and Roger Corman getting back in the game. These are shclock. You don't watch them expecting to be changed, you watch them because you want to have fun. I know 2 Headed Shark Attack didn't change the face of cinema. You know what it did do? Gave me a huge nerd boner and made my day better. Is that so wrong?
     Piranhaconda, like Sharktopus starts out with an amazing theme song. This time it is a rockabilly song with the voice of an angel basically telling us what we are in store for, as if we didn't know. We meet up with Michael Madsen who is looking for eggs with his team. They quickly get the shit eaten out of them, hell the Piranhaconda even takes down a helicopter.  My question is why did the pilot think he could get away from a monster in a helicopter? Hasn't he seen Lake Placid or Mega Shark? They love to eat flying food.  I just want to point out that this is at four minutes  and fifteen seconds. Yeah! You get to meet the monster before the five minute mark and it devastates people. Thank you Mr. Wynorski for giving the people what they want. We then meet up with the rest of the bunch they are making a movie called Head Chopper which from what I can tell might be a sequel To Carnage: The Legend of Quiltface. A movie that I would love to see within a movie I am loving to see. Today is awesome. Well quickly some of the crew becomes fish snake.  food. Now that we have gotten some action it is time to bring some more story in. To accomplish this Michael Madsen gets kidnapped and the movie crew joins him soon after. Now Piranhaconda can really fuck some shit up.
     This movie delivers exactly what you want in a movie called Piranhaconda. The pissed off snake eats the shit out of so many people leaving nothing but limbs flooding the beach. The characters are all pretty entertaining  and the dialogue is pretty quick witted. You have all the classics. The airhead actress with a rocking bod, the smart unattainable final girl and the stud who happens to be the stuntman that plays Head Chopper and let me tell you he would make Steve Railsback jealous with his skills. The bad guys are pretty cliche but that is OK. They are just food for the snake.
     In the end like most of these you now whether you are interested in seeing it. I for one am usually happy with these and add a name like Wynorski and it pretty much means excellence. This guy continues to roll out fun and entertaining films for us to enjoy in spite of the whiny critics who can't figure out he knows what he is doing. It is not that he is incapable of making a "great film" it is that he doesn't give a shit and he just wants us to have fun on a Saturday night.


3/5


Tromeric

The Eden Formula- John Carl Buechler

    John Carl Buechler has made some pretty fantastic movies. Ghoulies 3: Ghoulies go to College is well dare I say a masterpiece. Miners Massacre is so bad ass he could give Harry Warden a run for his money and we can never forget all the amazing effects work this man has done. Friday the 13: The New Blood is one of my least favorite of the series but the Jason effects in that are right at the top of the list. Hatchet gave him a chance to shine again and he got to drink his own pee. Awesome.
     The Eden Formula I am sad to say is not at the top of the list of awesome. You had the elements there. Dinosaur, Tony Todd, John Carl Buechler, and the Lawnmower Man himself Jeff Fahey. The dinosaur looked like it was from Sifl and Olly. That of course is not a bad thing. I enjoyed the dinosaur. Every time he picked someone up and ate their head off, cinematic gold. There were some good effects and some awesome moments but it suffered from the way to fucking long for its own good syndrome. If it had been about half the length and they cut out all the unnecessary heist crap out it could of went right there on the list with Miners Massacre but by about an hour I was pretty god damn bored.
     I have seen worse, if you have the time and are pretty intoxicated there is some enjoyment to be found you just will have to suffer through a bullshit heist movie that happens to have a bad ass puppet dino that eats bitches.


1.5/5

Tromeric

Coons! Night of the Bandits of the Night- Travis Irvine

     Troma is a company I have been watching since I was dick high. USA up all night introduced me to many of the classics and my VHS scores of The Toxic Avenger and Class of Nuke em High were watched more than my copy of Ramboner, and that's saying something. When I found Cannibal the Musical that fateful day I could not stop watching it. When DVDs started making their way into my house in the late 90's early oughts Troma was a label I would look for right along side Criterion, Anchor Bay, and Something Weird. Terror Firmer, The Tox Box, Tromas War were a few of the first ones I remember picking up, at one point I considered buying the complete Troma catalog off their website. Then something happened, I bought Rockabilly Vampire. There I said it. This was a very traumatic day in my life, I remember it like it was yesterday. I got back to the dungeon of doom, cracked open my 40 lit a smoke and put in what I assumed was gonna be my new favorite film. I waited and waited for something amazing and as time went on I realized I was being tortured. The Iron Maiden doesn't have shit on Rockabilly Vampire. I am pretty sure Werner Hezog should of made a movie about this instead of Dieter Dengler. I don't wanna take away the impact of his torture but he never watched Rockabilly Vampire as far as I know. I realized that while if it had Lloyd' s name on the director line I could count on it to rule my balls but just having the Troma label meant nothing anymore. Buying a Troma movie became like having sex on the bed your were raped on, sure there were exceptions. Teenage Catgirls in Heat, Redneck Zombies, Monster in the Closet but most of the time I ended up watching some Bullshit like Butt Crack that scared me for life. I am rambling, let me get to the point. Coons! Night of the Bandits of the Night is  far better than it has any right to be.
      Some may say that Coons is sophomoric and tasteless. Well I can't argue with that. I will say for a movie made with a budget comparable to a German skat film and some of the worst acting and costumes and effects you will ever see its not half bad.  I am not saying this is the new Citizen Kane by any means but it does have racoons that shoot guns, make your mom jokes and throw shit at people. The racoons are just really old victims of taxidermy on a stick but they are fucking hilarious. The characters are all insanely over the top and poorly executed yet you can't help but enjoy it. The writing is surprisingly fun albeit not what many would describe as "good."
     You probably should have a lot of drinks if you watch this. You should probably avoid this is you don't tend to enjoy wallowing around in your own shit. If like me you sometimes don't mind rolling around in last nights tequila and stir fry pick up this little turd nugget and launch that shit straight in your DVD player.
    

1.5/5

Tromeric


     
     

The Uncanny- Denis Héroux

     Animals in movies are amazing. When they kill they are even cooler. When they are cute as shit cats that fuck shit up they make my shit rock hard.
      The Uncanny is kind of like if Creepshow 2 took out the first and third story and added some more. It even has somewhat of a animated opening, or at least some really bad Bob Ross like paintings of cats being awesome and having fangs. It is an anthology movie where Peter Cushing is a writer and tells a publisher some stories about cats murderizing people to death while a white cat that looks like it got a frying pan to the face listens. 
     The first story is a tale of greed. Some douche finds out his bat shit crazy cat lady aunt is gonna leave all her money to her cats instead of him. He sends in his mistress to get the will so he can get that money to buy tea or some shit.  She goes and the cats straight fuck up her day. She has to go into survival mode and make cat food sandwiches. Its gross.
     The second story is kinda like The Good Son except its a daughter. A girl has to go live with her aunt and uncle as her parents went down in a plane and didn't have a Chilean soccer team to eat so they died. She also encounters her cunt of a cousin who makes sure she knows who's in charge and its not Charles.  This of course also goes with the cat that she brought. Cousin cunt wants to play with the cat, but this is a loyal cat. When she can't play with the cat she gives into the temptation of receiving many virgins and  try's to fly a plane into her cousin. Her aunt then decides that she had to deal with dead parents so a dead cat shouldn't be a big deal so she sends it off to the local PETA, or at least I assume that's where its going. The cat shows back up and the girl get her moms old magik book out, the kind with a K none of this douche bag Chris Angel magic with a C bullshit. She shrinks her cunt cousin down to the size of a mouse(that's convenient) and you know this cat is gonna have some fun now. A battle with a giant projection screen ensues and the cat gets weird puppet hands and slaps the shit out of this bitch.
     In the third and final story Dr. Loomis watches his wife die in an accident on the set of The Pit and the Pendulum in an act that Brandon Lee would rip off twenty years later. They hire her double who is so similar to her that Loomis accidentally has sex with her a lot. You know the dead actresses adorable kitty doesn't take kindly to mariticide. Dr. Loomis also decides that he is going to flush the cats five kittens down the toilet. I guess in England they have crazy huge toilets because if I tried to flush five cats down the drain I would be seeing yesterdays bottle of tequila coming back to visit for the third time.  They then come up with as many cliche sayings about cats to use and that just pisses the cat off more till it kills the shit out of them. 
    Peter Cushing tells all these storys and leaves and the cat exploits his owner and it ends.
    If you even kind of enjoy killer animal movies this is a must have. It should sit on your shelf right next to your Night of the Lepus, Orca the Killer Whale, Squirm and Day of the Animals. 

3/5


Tromeric

30 Day Horror Challenge day 20

     Day twenty brings us to killer animal movie. Really?  How can I pick a favorite?  Hey pick which actress from Burning Angel you want to have sex with, but only one.  I can't do it. I fucking love any movie with animals.  I don't care if its total shit I will watch it and probably love it.  I watch all this shit. The entire Maneater series. I rocked em. Movies with Gary Busey killing tigers. I'll stand by it.  David De Coteau made some movies with leeches or bears where its just a dude in a bear suit shaking a car. I will watch it and laugh the whole time. I don't give a shit.  There of course are the classics like Jaws or Alligator but aside from that you have Orca the Killer Whale.  Yeah whale abortion.  Night of the Lepus, fuck I am kinda scarred of those cute little bunnies.  Eaten Alive by Tobe Hooper or Rogue by Greg McLean were bad ass killer croc movies.  Crocodile and Crocodile 2 were fucking terrible but I loved watching the crocs save woman from rape scenarios. So many great killer bug movies. Arachnophobia, Them, Eight Legged Freaks, Ants.   Can anyone say Piranha?  How about the remake? The Asylums mockbuster Mega Piranha? That might be the best. All the mega movies. Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus. The Asylum also made Moby Dick 2010 which blew my mind like that girl from Necromantik blew that dead dude.  Speaking of sharks ummm Shark Attack with king of the straight to video Casper Van Dien, not to mention Meglodon  with the best pick up line ever. Lake Placid? Betty White talks bout dicks and sucking, part two with Bo Duke and part three that was way better than it had any right to be.  The William Girdler movies like Grizzly or Day of the Animals. He has something to say mother fuckers. The Boneyard with the giant Zombie Poodle, all the awesome crossbreeds like Sharktopus or Frankenfish?  How can you not love this shit?  Killer Dogs? Fucking Cujo, Mans Best Friend, or Devil Dog.  And don't forget Snakes. Python, Mega Snake, Jaws of Satan, Anaconda, Snakes on a Plane or the mockbuster Snakes on a Train.  These are all fucking priceless pieces of art you monkeys, speaking of monkeys can I say Outbreak or Monkey Shines?  Yeah well with all of these there is one movie that gives me the biggest nerd boner ever and that is......   

Thats right. Birdemic:Shock and Terror. This movie is a huge piece of shit. I love it like this one girl I knew loved an Icy Mike.  I am a bit tipsy off Spider Bites so I am gonna not even bother to explain this gem and will just link to my review I wrote back after the first time I saw this masterpiece.

Tromeric

Mega Shark versus Crocosaurus- Christopher Ray

     Oh my God Christ. The Asylum gives me another boner from hell(and I like hell).  Mother fucking Urkel  is a navy bad ass.  He teams up with the Dr from that shitty Star Trek(like that narrows it down). I am so stoked right now, its like the time I found out my pregnant girlfriend "accidentally fell" out of bed onto the conveniently placed replica of the sword of truth. 
     Urkel doesn't think that the shark is dead, some grease monkey thinks crocs are bad ass, some people die and all these people team up to take these bitches out. Like all Asylum movies you know what you are getting into, badassary. How can you not love this shit, two giant animals that keep changing sizes fuck shit up and washed up actors from previous eras make their "comebacks."I have so much to say about how awesome this is but the 12 hours of drinking is making me have the typing slurrs.  So I will leave it to you, do you see that poster. Yeah that happens. If you don't want to go out and buy this your a terrorist.  You hate our freedom. Sleep well. I will.






3.5/5

Tromeric

Moby Dick- Trey Stokes

     Oh the Asylum is one of the best things that has ever happened in our existence. Yeah tearing down the great wall was OK, but seriously a huge shark didn't eat the great wall.
     The Asylum takes on a literary classic this time.  Moby Dick is here to fuck shit up, and this time Brad Majors is around to take this mother down.
     This is a modern retelling of the classic and the Asylum pulls no punches.  Moby Dick is one scary looking mother and he is gonna get Mr. Ahab, last time he got his leg which good ol Barry reminds of about a thousand times but this time he wants the whole package. 
      This has it all, tons of action, amazing effects(you decide what this means), and acting and quotable script that will put Arnold to shame.  I could go on to explain what happens, but who gives  a shit. You know what you are getting here. The Asylum takes on Moby Dick, Barry Bostwick acts his ass off and bitches get attacked by a giant whale.  Do you need to know anymore? If you do, I will have Mr. Bostwick set Micheal J Fox on you with a meat cleaver, and you know he wont be able to hold that shit still.

3/5


Tromeric

Maneater- Gary Yates

     The Gingerdead man himself Gary Busey takes on a tiger that is well, a man eater.  I went into this expecting a made for TV shitty movie about a tiger that eats people. Low and behold that is what I got, what did surprise me though is the lack of CGI and somehow Gary Busey pulls of the best acting he has done in a long time. Actually everyone in this holds their own as far as acting goes.  No one will be getting an Oscar by any means but compared to say Grizzly Rage or The Swarm I gotta admit I was impressed. 
      So the basics are Mr. Busey is the Sheriff of some shit hole town where you guessed it a tiger gets loose.  Then you have some kid that is brought up in a trailer with his crazy ass mom who wont let him play with all the other little boys or go to school or do any of those weird things kids do like socialize or learn facts.  The interaction between these two is priceless at one point the mom says something like "while I'm at work no make beleive just read your bible."  I guess she doesn't realize that the bible has more fantasy and rape than Deathstalker 2.   Next up we have a dude with possibly the coolest mustache ever.   He has shown up from England to have tea and crumpet's and listen to music on his record player, oh and kill a tiger because obviously that's what he does.  The Tiger keeps killing people and eating them, except the little boy.  I thought Christians were suppose to get fed to tigers, oh that's lions. My bad.
     I am a sucker for giant or killer animal movies. I don't really care if they are good or not I always enjoy this shit, except for Spiders 2, that made my butt hole bleed.  While this is no Burning Bright(a killer tiger movie that was surprisingly effective) it is put together with way more suspense and entertainment that it has any right to.   If you want to have 90 minutes spent watching Busey be crazy and tigers eat some folk then boy have I found the movie for you.


2.5/5

Tromeric

Burning Bright- Carlos Brooks

So a cute girl and a sped(oh sorry I beleive the PC term is tardburger) get locked in a house during a hurricane by their asshole step dad. Oh did I mention they are being stalked by one pissed off tiger?  This is the basic premise of Burning Bright.  No this is not a joke, it also isn't a made for Syfy movie. What it is is way better than it deserves to be.  Its like a decent slasher movie but you replace Michael Myers with Sigfried and Roy's arch nemisis.  It starts off with assdad meeting Meatloaf for a sketchy transaction to buy an evil tiger, then the daughter is trying to enroll her tard brother in some home, he's not like Corky tard, he is the I'll remember the whole dictionary and make sure you spread that peanut butter to the right and not to the left kind of dooode.  She feels bad cuz her mom offed herself and she doesn't want to abandon her little USB drive.  She wants to go to college though and she has some great plans to learn how to answer a phone or some shit.  I don't know why she doesn't just buy a stack of phone books and put him in a cage, he will keep himself busy.  Anyways here asshole step dad found her bank account and was able to clear it so she cant afford the school for abandoning her bro. Turns out he spent that money to buy said pissed off tiger.  Now he needs more money so he boards up all the windows and doors and lets loose the beast to kill off these pesky kids so he can get the insurance money. This is where I get confused, after all of this insanity and the fucking fact that this is a home invasion movie staring a tiger as the big bad Krug and this all takes place during a hurricane because the best way a dude could think of killing off a couple of kids was to set up a Rube Goldberg trap that P.T. Barnum would be jealous of.  With all of this said it is entertaining, full of suspense and looks amazing, they did not use any CGI that I could tell, its always a real tiger. I don't think you can properly describe this as it sounds insane and it is just something that needs to be seen to be believed.  So go watch it, Jesus fucking Christ why are you still reading this bullshit, go to the store and hook that shit up.











3.5/5



Tromeric

Splice- Vincenzo Natali

So I want to review Splice, I'm gonna be honest. That's about as difficult as getting a Dendrophiliac to take his dick out of the Redwood in your front yard. Ill sum it up as much as I can without giving away to much. The Pianist and the chick from go create some Turd looking monsters that slug about, they are stoked. The crazy boss lady says lets do some bullshit instead of making a super freak, they are like fuck that we will do it anyways. They figure out that bad music is holding them down so they switch it up and come up with a workable sack of slime. They argue and joke bout not letting it come to term but they do it anyways. The Pianists brother who looks like Dawn Wiener is suspicious. Baby Mc Slime sack stings the shit out of mommy as if she was one of the extras on Tailsting. It's alive, and it looks like Corky's dick and Kangaroo Jack mated. Blah Blah Blah It learns things and goes crazy. Why am I even bothering to describe this, I cant go much further without ruining it. This movie is crazy, Its entertaining, its interesting, its kinda confusing and it will make you stand up and scream at the top of your lungs what the fuck just happened? Is this a masterpeice? I doubt it, but it is something different and interesting in a time of rehash of rehash.

3.5/5

Tromeric

Night of the hell hamsters- Paul Campion

Wowbobwow. This movie is fucking high-larious, like me. These hamsters are pissed. You shoulda just fucked your boy toy, not summon a dark lord who will possess furry little critters that are hungry for balls and take acting lessons from ghoulies in college. This was one of the best 15 minutes of my life, talking animals, dick gore, flying animals, Ouija boards, tomfoolery and so much badassary I cant even explain it. Go get your ass online and watch this shit, holy fuck baby.


3.5/5

Tromeric

Birdemic: Shock and Terror- James Nguyen

Has your mind ever been blown? Well my brain just got a Blow Job from James Nguyen. Not just any BJ but like one of the ones that takes just a little to long, like maybe you drank to much Tequila and even though it feels pretty damn good you just cant quite finish and it kind of starts to hurt. Some how in a sick way its a good pain. You cant really blame her cuz God damn is she putting her all into it. About two thirds of the way through the pain starts to feel really good and you know its finally gonna happen. The pay off. Sure your a little raw but its the price you will pay. Its getting towards the end and she knows it, she starts working really hard, maybe bring the balls into the mix, now its good, even blissful, you don't even know why you had doubts that it was gonna end well. Its cumming its cumming and just at the last minute she sticks her finger in your ass and you blow, you made it and God Damn was it worth it. Well Birdemic is like that only your getting a BJ from the coolest looking animated gif birds you have ever seen.


4/5


Eric

Humanoids from the Deep- Barbara Peters

Classic 80's Creature Feature. Surprisingly gory and Brutal. Gratuitous nudity and great effects thanks to Mr. Bottin. The Noids Great grandpappys come to a small fishing town to do what any self respecting creature would do, kill some dudes and rape some bitches. They need to up the population so they are here to TCB. Not a whole lot to write that hasn't been said a million times, this is a classic of the sleazy 80s and deserves a spot on every horror nerds shelf.

3.5/5

Eric

Antichrist- Lars Von Trier

Holy Shit Lars Von Trier is a pretentious Fuck. With that said, I fucking love him. Dancer in the Dark made me cry like a little bitch that just got fingered by her uncle for the first time, the Kingdom was creepy and Amazing and Dogville had such a beautiful set design considering it was just a fucking chalk board. I have been excited about this since it was first announced. Lars Von Trier doing a horror film, granted it is not a traditional horror film but fucking Jesus some of the imagery scared the bejesus out of me. It starts off with Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg Fucking super hard while their child pulls a Eric Clapton Jr. The rest of the film is them dealing with their grief, they end up going to Eden, deep in the woods where all hell breaks loose(No pun intended). Moments of Homeward Bound, Willem Dafoe pulls one of my favorite Cannibal Corpse songs and it rhymes with I Rum Flood, This movie made me Squirm(no worms though) and that rarely happens. This might be the best movie Ive seen this year. Stop Jerkin Your Gerkin and go see it or Use the Future and on demand it.

4.5/5

Eric

Tremors- Ron Underwood

So giant worms with mouths that look like vagina dentata attack from below and tear shit up. Fucking Awesome. What are these things you ask, they are Graboids obviously. And Kevin Bacon and the dude from Family ties are here to kick the ass, and that they do. I fucking love this movie; I don’t really know what else to say. If you haven’t seen this you have been living under a rock, and you better get the fuck out cuz I think I feel a tremor, and that means a Graboid is gonna eat your balls, or your poon, or both if your Jaime Lee Curtis

4/5
Eric

Bunnicula The Vampire Rabbit-Charles A. Nichols

Holy Shit, this was one of my favorite books when i was a kid, and by kid I mean still is. I have searched and searched and never knew there was a cartoon for this. I finally found one, and holy shit does it rule. I wish it was longer, I wish it was better, I wish a lot of things but all in all I'm just stoked there is a fucking movie about my favorite vampire rabbit. For years I have hoped for a live action adaptation of this, and maybe now that Spike Jonze is done with Where the wild things are he can pump this out, make a trilogy along with The Celery stalks at midnight and Bunnicula vs Edgar Allen Crow, I would cream my pants of that happened. Which may be a bit creepy as this is a kids book/movie, but I don't give a fuck.

2.5 / 5
Eric

Grizzly Rage -David Decoteau

This bear is pissed. I kept waiting for Carrie to show up, but no luck. Four really irritating friends set out for a camping trip. They say really irritating things, and listen to really bad music. They decide to go past the normal spot, cut some chains and trespass. They drive around like a bunch of dick nuggets and kill a grizzly cub. The mom is now more pissed than orca the killer whale, but of course in their dick nugget driving they crack the radiator. So mamma bear starts picking them off one by one. Which isn’t the worst thing as they are really irritating. There is only about one shot of the bear that is reused every time it growls. When the bear is attacking the car there is sweet use of a man in a bear suit that had me laughing my arse off every time they used it. That alone is worth the price of admission.

1/5
Eric

Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent-Amir Valinia

Also known as Carnivorous, not that it matters. All that matters is DMX is in a alligator face killer snake movie, and in case you were wondering X is coming to get ya. In the beginning of this it seems like instead of a alligator head it should have a pumpkinhead as it starts off with a bunch of douche bag kids driving along and drinking and this nice small town couple is gardening or some shit and these kids hit the lady. This dude is now pissed so he draws some bad picaso like snake alligator and feeds it to some box, not a vagina but a wooden box with some craft warehouse style crafts done on it that bring the alligator snake alive to eat it some douchy twenty somethings. So now everything you expect to happen does, lap dances, sex with underwear and bra still intact, video game snake alligator plunges through dudes, snake alligator vision(which is sweet), DMX shows up with a missile launcher, you know the normal. Now this sounds bad I know, and it is. with that said, if your like me you cant help but watch this shit, I mean i bought snakes on a train and Megasnake for Christ's sake. My one complaint, aside from it sucking turtle shaft is that this snake alligator didn't save anyone from getting raped, i guess you could argue that its half snake but still, in my humble opinion its not a giant gator movie if at least someone isn't saved from rape just to get the shit eaten out of them at a later point. All in all this is shit, but what can I say, I must have a bit of a scat fetish.

1/5
Eric