Did You Just Queef In My Mouth? A Night In Tromaville, And A Return To Nuke 'Em High

I have been a Troma kid pretty much my whole life. Many evenings were spent digging through the TV Guide looking for any and all horror, cult,and  B films. It was a different time, and I didn't have the internet, so the guide was my best option. I started noticing Troma pretty early on. That intro, the music, the logo. It stuck with me. I would see it on Cinemax. I would see it on USA Up All Night, and I would see the logo at the video store. It quickly became something I had to get if I saw the logo. That of course failed me a few times, but overall if it had the Troma logo, I was more excited than Victor Salva on the set of Little Rascals.

Outside of Toxie, Class of Nuke 'Em High and its subsequent sequels became favorites of mine. I loved the Cretins, I loved the theme song, I loved the boobs. I could pop in any of the nuke 'em movies, and just get lost in the post apocalyptic world that I had grown to feel was a glimpse into the future, or at least I hoped it was. I know that is probably not the intention of the films, but I wanted to go to Nuke 'Em High. I wanted to become a cretin and fuck up everyone's day. I wanted to hang out with all the sexy cretin girls, and party with the dudes, hell if I had enough grog, we would probably work something out for everyone, but that is a different story, saved for my cretin erotica book I am working on. Anyways, I am a Troma kid, and last night I was lucky enough to see RTNEH on the big screen along with plenty of antics from Lloyd Kaufman, and his wife the former New York film commissioner. I along with a group of the grogsters including, but not limited to, Steph Infection, Seth The Zombie, and Toxic Tony headed out to witness this new Troma film, that is part sequel, part re imagining, dare I say it, part remake, to one of my favorite films from the eighties.

Which one did I go to? You decide.

The film opens with a little flashback to original, and explains that the power plant is gone, and the new Tromorganic food stuff plant took its place. I assume this is their way of saying we aren't in an age where we aren't scared of power plants, we are scared of all that evil food. As I mentioned before, this is an updated version. Yes, in a way it is a remake, but mostly it is a new story for a new era, with all kinds of nods to the original. I had goosebumps within seconds of it starting. Boobs, blood, cameos, bad puns, melting flesh. This was indeed a Troma film, made for Troma fans. Once a few of the kids get infected the fun really starts.

As with most Troma films, specifically the ones that Lloyd is directly involved with, this film has social commentary oozing out its anus. Yeah it is sandwiched in between queefs, penis monsters, dick and fart jokes, sex, exploding pregnant woman. You know? Important things. Seriously though, I have always loved Kaufman's ability to bring serious issues to the forefront using tools like vaginal farts and what have you. Obviously there is plenty to be said about the state of the food industry, as well as LGBT rights, net neutrality, corporations, and everything else.

The effects in this thing straight kill it. I saw Drew Bolduc listed as one of the credits for special effects in the beginning. You may recognize his name as being the director of the masterpiece The Taint, and the upcoming Science Team. I always love the effects in Troma films, but seeing his name got me all wet, and a bit worried that my cock may explode from the awesome. I was right, minus the exploding cock, which is fine by me. Still a few years left in this bad boy. There were a few digital effects, but for the most part it was all old school slimy, oozy, exploding awesome. There are definitely some gross out moments in this beast.

The acting is perfect for Troma, overacting multiplied by eleven. Every person in this puts their all into it. Whether it is Lloyd himself portraying the president of Tromorganic, the glee club singing and slicing up Tromaville's citizens, or the leads falling in love, fucking, and queefing.

Cameos and references a plenty. So many shout outs to Troma films of every decade, as well as other classic cinema and pop culture. I don't want to ruin the cameos, as there are some pretty epic ones, and surprise is definitely part of the fun, but I would say there are at least thirty rocking, obscure cameos. 

I spent last night in Tromaville. With friends, family, and the king himself. I was blown away by the feelings it caused me. I am not solely talking about the bulge in my pants, although that was definitely there, as there are some beautiful people undressing, and having a blast as has come to be expected from Troma, but also just moments of pure bliss. I am impressed that thirty years later Troma can still make me feel the way I did in my room as a child, staying up late to catch them on cable. I laughed, I smiled, I was truly happy, and felt like I was witnessing history being shat on the screen in front of me. Return is a return for Troma. A return to the anarchist, fuck the system cinema they helped create so many years ago. As a dude in his thrities, I have not wanted to re-enroll in high school this much, well since ever.

This is volume one. It is half of the story. It doesn't end. It is like a to be continued episode of your favorite show, just one where you have to wait longer. It is killing me that I can't watch part two right now. I am insanely excited for volume two, hell I am bummed I have to work tonight, as if not I would definitely be returning for a second screening.

Catch Return at a screening in your city, or pick up the Blu, which hits later this month. Hell, do both. Buy two.

4.5/5

 -Tromeric

Father's Day - Astron 6(Adam Brooks/Jeremy Gillespie/Matthew Kennedy/Conor Sweeney)

     Father's Day is one of those rare films that is about as hard to explain as pro-life is to a rape victim. So much happens in these hundred minutes that I am pretty sure Astron 6 just filled a baby up with ideas, ran it over with a semi, rolled it into a little baby ball and fed it to the manatees that write Family Guy. 
     Basic idea of Father's Day is that there is a dude who kind of looks like the Dr. from Human Centipede two raping, disemboweling and killing Fathers, and not necessarily in that order. A team assembles that includes a one eyed bad ass, a priest and David Arquette's  character from that Lukas Haas movie. Strippers, rapists, dirty cops, angels, demons(no Tom Hanks, thank god), and Lloyd Kaufman are just some of the obstacles they will have on their epic journey.
     Over the last few years there has been a kind of grindhouse resurgence and as with most things it has felt the kind of overkill that Sharon Tate's baby felt in 69. I am happy to say that Father's Day is one of the stand out's and like Dear God No! and Hobo with a Shotgun has a lot more going for it than just a gimmick. Father's Day stands on its own like a cripple in space even when listed next to those films.  It takes every convention set and stabs it in the butt hole in slow mo while a killer guitar riff is strummed.  Every time I thought I saw where it was going it would punch me in the dick and say "not this way fucker" which I admit is a strange thing for a movie to do. 
     All rambling aside when Father's Day hits your city or any city you can drive to, Go! Father's Day is offensive, surreal, hilarious, sexy, over the top, ridiculous, insane, full of amazing music and characters, brilliant, full of some of the most creative special effects and set designs, and it will have you asking your dad to play with your insides  while they're on your outside.

4/5


Tromeric

31 days of Horror Nerd Indoctrination- Day Twenty Six: Troma

 

     It is safe to say that one of the biggest influences on me has been Troma.  I saw Toxic Avenger when I was a wee little lad on USA Up All Night and was hooked like Dustin Hoffman in that Spielberg movie. Speaking of Hook, I ended up seeing that in the theater as I was trying to sneak into Candyman and got caught so I had to go into the movie I actually bought the ticket for. What a bunch of shit,anyways back to Troma. After Toxic Avenger I saw the sequels and Class of Nuke em High, Sgt. Kabukiman, Troma's War, Tromeo and Juliet. One of the big Troma films that wasn't a Lloyd Kaufman film that I have the fondest memories of was Monster in the Closet. I also saw that for the first time on Up All Night and fell in love. I taped it off the TV and watched that shit so much. I was like a stalker. I would sneak up on the movie, slip it some drugs and tie myself up while watching it. OK, so maybe that's not all true but I did fucking love it. 

    I would go to the video store and rent anything with that Troma logo on it. When I got home and put in the tape I would hear the music, you know the music and see that backdrop of New York and would cream my pants. Seriously, like cream of wheat but with way more power and excitement. Lloyd Kaufman and Michael Herz present was my bible only less made up.  I was convinced that anything Troma put out was great, that all changed but I will get into that later. The stuff Lloyd did was my favorite but there were still some other films that I loved. The aforementioned Monster in the Closet, Combat Shock, Redneck Zombies, Rabid Grannies, Killer Condom which is one of the most bizarre Troma films, not just because of the subject matter but because it is not at all what you would expect.  When I think back to early Troma films the one that stands out is Cannibal the Musical. I bought the VHS at a local comic book shop based off the title and I recognized the names of the director and stars. It was Trey Parker and Matt Stone. South Park had just hit and it peaked my curiosity. I of course also saw the Troma logo so my boner made me buy it. I watched this movie so many god damn times.  The songs were amazing, it made me laugh more than I thought possible and it was just a fucking blast. I have heard that Lloyd turned down South Park because he thought it would cost to much and that it wouldn't be all that interesting to people. Not sure the merit behind this but I can only imagine if Troma had the rights to South Park. It would be like an alternate reality story, like Superman: Red Son but with less commies.

Jacob Von Klingele, Lloyd Kaufman, Tromette, and me.

Once DVD hit the scene my love for Troma reemerged. A friend of mine bought me the two disc Terror Firmer and Gabe Nye, Jeremy Gaulkenstein, Jimmy Caution and myself put it in and lost our shit. I was laughing so god damn hard I couldn't breath. It was like the best orgasm ever, luckily I remembered the lemon so I woke up when I came.  It was like a whole new Troma.  Terror Firmer is also where I first saw the trailer for Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger four.  I was as excited as a Nekromaniac in a morgue.  I watched this trailer so many times and couldn't wait. It took a few years but It finally was released to DVD and I woke myself up right when Borders opened, well when Jeremy Gaulkenstein told me it opened, which was wrong even though he worked there. I waited in the parking lot for like and hour smoking cigarettes and waiting impatiently and it finally opened. I took it home, watched it and yet again came in my pants.  The group was divided on this one. Gabe Nye and I loved it while Jimmy and Jeremy weren't so fond of it.  It wasn't to long after this that Jacob Von Klingele and I made a trek to Portland(I still lived in Yakima at this time) to meet Lloyd. He was gonna be giving a lecture and signing his new book Make your own damn Movie. We made all the arrangements and drove the two hundred miles. His lecture was awesome and he was hilarious. I got my copy of Citizen Toxie signed and that folks was a historical moment. He signed it to the moniker Tromeric which of course has become my name. Eric fuck that, Lloyd says my name is Tromeric. I will not argue.



Tromeric

Coons! Night of the Bandits of the Night- Travis Irvine

     Troma is a company I have been watching since I was dick high. USA up all night introduced me to many of the classics and my VHS scores of The Toxic Avenger and Class of Nuke em High were watched more than my copy of Ramboner, and that's saying something. When I found Cannibal the Musical that fateful day I could not stop watching it. When DVDs started making their way into my house in the late 90's early oughts Troma was a label I would look for right along side Criterion, Anchor Bay, and Something Weird. Terror Firmer, The Tox Box, Tromas War were a few of the first ones I remember picking up, at one point I considered buying the complete Troma catalog off their website. Then something happened, I bought Rockabilly Vampire. There I said it. This was a very traumatic day in my life, I remember it like it was yesterday. I got back to the dungeon of doom, cracked open my 40 lit a smoke and put in what I assumed was gonna be my new favorite film. I waited and waited for something amazing and as time went on I realized I was being tortured. The Iron Maiden doesn't have shit on Rockabilly Vampire. I am pretty sure Werner Hezog should of made a movie about this instead of Dieter Dengler. I don't wanna take away the impact of his torture but he never watched Rockabilly Vampire as far as I know. I realized that while if it had Lloyd' s name on the director line I could count on it to rule my balls but just having the Troma label meant nothing anymore. Buying a Troma movie became like having sex on the bed your were raped on, sure there were exceptions. Teenage Catgirls in Heat, Redneck Zombies, Monster in the Closet but most of the time I ended up watching some Bullshit like Butt Crack that scared me for life. I am rambling, let me get to the point. Coons! Night of the Bandits of the Night is  far better than it has any right to be.
      Some may say that Coons is sophomoric and tasteless. Well I can't argue with that. I will say for a movie made with a budget comparable to a German skat film and some of the worst acting and costumes and effects you will ever see its not half bad.  I am not saying this is the new Citizen Kane by any means but it does have racoons that shoot guns, make your mom jokes and throw shit at people. The racoons are just really old victims of taxidermy on a stick but they are fucking hilarious. The characters are all insanely over the top and poorly executed yet you can't help but enjoy it. The writing is surprisingly fun albeit not what many would describe as "good."
     You probably should have a lot of drinks if you watch this. You should probably avoid this is you don't tend to enjoy wallowing around in your own shit. If like me you sometimes don't mind rolling around in last nights tequila and stir fry pick up this little turd nugget and launch that shit straight in your DVD player.
    

1.5/5

Tromeric