Piranhaconda- Jim Wynorski

     I love creature films. I always have and I always will. I am a bit to young to have enjoyed the heyday when they were always at the drive in but even as a kid in the eighties I would get some thanks to horror hosts and VHS. I loved all the atomic era films even if I didn't live through them. In the last few years we have gotten a slew of them thanks to companies like The Maneater Series, The Asylum and Roger Corman getting back in the game. These are shclock. You don't watch them expecting to be changed, you watch them because you want to have fun. I know 2 Headed Shark Attack didn't change the face of cinema. You know what it did do? Gave me a huge nerd boner and made my day better. Is that so wrong?
     Piranhaconda, like Sharktopus starts out with an amazing theme song. This time it is a rockabilly song with the voice of an angel basically telling us what we are in store for, as if we didn't know. We meet up with Michael Madsen who is looking for eggs with his team. They quickly get the shit eaten out of them, hell the Piranhaconda even takes down a helicopter.  My question is why did the pilot think he could get away from a monster in a helicopter? Hasn't he seen Lake Placid or Mega Shark? They love to eat flying food.  I just want to point out that this is at four minutes  and fifteen seconds. Yeah! You get to meet the monster before the five minute mark and it devastates people. Thank you Mr. Wynorski for giving the people what they want. We then meet up with the rest of the bunch they are making a movie called Head Chopper which from what I can tell might be a sequel To Carnage: The Legend of Quiltface. A movie that I would love to see within a movie I am loving to see. Today is awesome. Well quickly some of the crew becomes fish snake.  food. Now that we have gotten some action it is time to bring some more story in. To accomplish this Michael Madsen gets kidnapped and the movie crew joins him soon after. Now Piranhaconda can really fuck some shit up.
     This movie delivers exactly what you want in a movie called Piranhaconda. The pissed off snake eats the shit out of so many people leaving nothing but limbs flooding the beach. The characters are all pretty entertaining  and the dialogue is pretty quick witted. You have all the classics. The airhead actress with a rocking bod, the smart unattainable final girl and the stud who happens to be the stuntman that plays Head Chopper and let me tell you he would make Steve Railsback jealous with his skills. The bad guys are pretty cliche but that is OK. They are just food for the snake.
     In the end like most of these you now whether you are interested in seeing it. I for one am usually happy with these and add a name like Wynorski and it pretty much means excellence. This guy continues to roll out fun and entertaining films for us to enjoy in spite of the whiny critics who can't figure out he knows what he is doing. It is not that he is incapable of making a "great film" it is that he doesn't give a shit and he just wants us to have fun on a Saturday night.


3/5


Tromeric

2 Headed Shark Attack- Christopher Ray

Let me start this off by setting the scene for movie night in my house.  We gather the kids, get comfy on the couch and pop in 2 Headed Shark Attack.  It’s family movie night with all the blood and tits that entails.  We have a long tradition of watching all the Asylum movies we can and this one is up at the top of the heap.  You know when your 8 year old son is laughing his ass off because some dude just got ripped in half that the movie is doing something right.

One thing to keep in mind about this movie is that it sucks, but in the greatest way possible.  Anyone who knows me knows I’m a sucker for the genius that goes into making an unabashedly bad movie that works on almost every level.  It just goes to show that if you acknowledge what you’re working with and use it to it’s fullest you can make a fun movie, and that‘s all I can ask for.  There’s no pretense or delusion about what’s been put on the screen and I love the film makers for it.

The movie kicks off with a great kill right off the bat and lets you know what to expect and it never fails to deliver.  The shark effects are actually pretty decent for these low budget creature features, right up there with Sharktopus. Now that doesn’t mean the effects are anything close to good, but do you really want them to be? Personally I prefer the dirt path that somehow changes into smooth plastic when it cracks and the explosions that look like they were rendered on a PS2 and added into the movie with a 10 year old version of photo shop.  It just adds to the fun.

Pretty soon we’re introduced to our cast of usual players.  You have the d-bag bro and his loyal followers, the nerd, the crazy bitch that won’t shut the fuck up, plenty of big titty sluts, sassy black girls, and let’s not forget the tough girl with a chip on her shoulder.  All of them play their parts perfectly and you just can’t wait for them to die in the worst way possible. 

Special mention should be made for Carmen Electra, she really turns in a stirring performance as the most believable doctor I‘ve ever seen.  I also want to take a moment here and thank Asylum for offering an outlet for washed up celebrities to desperately cling to any fleeting bit of fame they can without having to get double teamed by Bret Michaels and Flava Flav on VH1. 

The real star of the show though is Jerry O’Connell’s brother Charlie.  I really believed his pain when he broke his leg and just made the same groaning sound over and over for the entire movie.  Frank Stallone had better watch out.

Soon the students, oh yeah they are on a semester at sea boat, have to abandon the boat and head to a nearby atoll.  Which the titular shark manages to run into hard enough to get it to start sinking.  Let me just say that the science in this movie is tight as shit, but again not really why you’re watching this movie.

Now the real reason you’re even thinking about watching this is for the kills and oh baby are there kills.  I won’t go into too much detail because it’s more fun to just experience them, but have no fear they rule.  Nice and bloody and completely ridiculous.

In closing, watch this movie.  If you have enjoyed any of the recent low budget monster movies this is right up there with Mega Piranha and Sharktopus as one of my favorites. Plus it has what may just be the most romantic onscreen kiss I’ve ever seen.  So really it’s the perfect Valentines Day movie for you and that special someone. 

This movie has tits, blood, and a 2 headed shark. Do you need to hear anything else? Two times the heads, two times the awesome.

3.5/5

Jacob VonKlingle

2 Headed Shark Attack- Christopher Ray

     Anyone who follows my nonsense knows that I am unashamedly obsessed with creature movies of all kinds and the badder the better. I am pretty sure I have some kind of split personality disorder as I love both sides of the spectrum when it comes to film, and I mean that in a severe way. One day I will watch David Lynch, Terence Malick and Luis Bunuel then the next switch to anything with The Asylum, Full Moon or Maneater logo on it. I am a glutton when it comes to film, and booze and drugs and music and well you get the point. Well today I woke up and went on a hunt. I was like Jeffery Dahmer  looking for a little boy. I started in one corner and worked my way through. 2 Headed Shark Attack was nowhere to be found. I wiped the tears from my eyes and gave in and just rented it. I luckily live Portland where I can go to the store where coincidentally the writer works and rent this bad boy. It's not the same. It's like when you call for a hooker from Craigslist and think you are getting the one in the picture and Edith Massey shows up(actually if Edith Massey showed up I would do unspeakable things to her while she talked to me about eggs), it's still sweet but not quite the same. Well I guess it was fate as when I got home with my rented copy in hand I found out I randomly won a copy from The Asylum. Now with all this excitement it was time to put this bad boy in. So what are the results?
     2 headed shark is a no bullshit movie, or an all bullshit movie I guess depending on how you look at it. It starts right of the bat with some dickbag kids getting the shit killed out of them. We then meet a group of students on a boat, said 2 headed shark fucks up their boat so they go to an island. Well it's not really an island but that is besides the point. Gabe Nye can explain the difference to you. I don't give a shit. Sound kind of familiar? Well it is and that is the fucking point.  This is where you decide if you are gonna like this movie. Are you going to argue logic, originality and quality? If so why the fuck are you watching an asylum movie. These guys know what they are doing. They are possibly the smartest filmmakers out there. There is a time for art and there is a time to just have a good time. Do you fall in love with everyone you sleep with? If so you probably fell for that super long joke all those one syllable dudes in sandals wrote and you are probably too busy watching Bibleman with Buddy to watch awesome movies like this anyways.   OK, I am ranting as I am sleep deprived, less then sober and well it's what I do. What I am trying to say is you know by the name and cover if this is something you would be interested. No one is going to pick it up and think it is based off of the work of Francis Bacon.
      I will just get to the point. I loved 2 Headed Shark Attack. I love Shark movies and my math is tight enough to know that two is better than one. Most of the characters are insanely stereotyped, Carmen Electra is a Dr. and the Shark either looks like the Jaws NES game or the Lobster from Multiple Maniacs. I say all of these things in highest regard for everyone involved. This movie is self aware, sure in a different way then something like Scream but more in like an Expendables way. They give you everything you could possibly want in a film about a two headed shark. The kills are all fun as hell and will probably make you spit beer everywhere. My one complaint is that this shark is kind of a prude. One thing I have learned in all my years of creature film watching is that while being evil they still will stop unspeakable acts, for instance crocodiles and alligators always stop rape. They have some built in rape sensor that works better than their eyes. I assume Gabe Nye could explain the science behind this so I will have to get back to you on that, but I promise you it is true. Well what I learned today is that two headed sharks hate threesomes. This also leads me to believe that they are the true dicks of the ocean. You don't interrupt a three way.
   
3/5

Tromeric

Death Bed: The Bed that Eats- George Barry

     I don't even know where to begin. I have wanted to see this movie for basically a Christ age and a half. It has been basically a mystical creature. It is like God except I found it. Fuck you Jesus freaks. I win. Wheres your god now?  
     This is basically if Jodorowsky directed a Full Moon feature. It has more voice over than Milo and Otis. When the bed eats it sounds like a classless fuck eating an apple. The effects look like something I saw in biology in seventh grade and when people die they turn into a corpse floating in Mr. Bubbles. So basically it's amazing. 




3/5




Tromeric

Bad Netflix Part Four: The Searh for Netflix's Gold

   Badurday September 17th

(*I heavily plagiarized Mr. Gable and Morbidimentia while putting this together)

 

(banner courtesy of Morbidementia.com)

Mr. Gable’s Reality. Morbidementia. She Blogged By Night. Vincent’s Handmade Art. Guts and Grog Reviews. 365 Horror Movie. Mrs. Gable. Krell Laboratories. Three Black Geeks.  Life Between Frames. Direct to Video Connoisseur

Saturday September 17th, 2011 starting at 8:30e/7:30c/6:30m/5:30p

What is the Netflix Instant Bad Movie Marathon?

About three months ago we had our first ever Bad Movie Night on Twitter. We chose 3 movies available on Netflix Instant that we deemed bad enough to be awesome. Then we watched them and ripped on them MST3K style via Twitter. Also, we drank pretty heavily and misspelled words constantly. But we had so much fun that we did it AGAIN! We've watched baboons driving tanks, hunky men throwing things into outer space, Alice Cooper sing the Werewolf blues, and now we are gonna attack Ninjas, The Klan, Sherlock Holmes, and flying Zombies.

What can you do?

JOIN US! Get on Twitter, Fire up your Netflix Instant machines (if you’re watching on your computer you’ll have to download a plugin FYI), find a comfortable spot and rip these movies to shreds with us! Why? BECAUSE THEY DESERVE IT! Just be sure to post your Twitter handles in the comments section or seek us out on Twitter and let us know you’re in on the fun. (On Twitter you can add people to a list, that way you don’t have to follow on your regular newsfeed, you can just pick it up on the list. Also, we will be using the hashtag #badnetflix. It worked really well last time and anyone that sees our posts will be able to pull up that hashtag and see what everyone else is doing as well!

By all means, make it your own. Maybe doodle pictures while you’re watching it, record yourself hating yourself for watching these movies, whatever you want to do!

Where can you find us?

Here is the official twitter .You can also just follow the list. You can also go to the Facebook or the official site. These are all still works in progress but they will be updated frequently. 

The Shit we are watching 

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes

2010-89 Minutes-PG-13
Directed by: Rachel Goldenberg
IMDB Rating- 3.9/10

Synopsis

A mob of massive monsters invades London in this low-budget take on the classic detective story, not to be confused with the blockbuster retelling of the Sherlock Holmes saga. In this version, Dr. Watson (Gareth David-Lloyd) begins to believe that the creatures exist, but master sleuth Sherlock Holmes (Ben Syder) thinks villain Spring-Heeled Jack (Dominic Keating) is behind the attacks. Now, they must track down the master criminal before his plan for world domination comes to fruition.

Ninja Vengeance

1988- 87 Minutes- R
Directed by: Karl Armstrong
IMDB Rating: 2.5/10
Synopsis

Drifter Jesse's (David Lord) motorcycle breaks down as he rolls into a small Texas town. The locals seem friendly, until Jesse uncovers the brutal underbelly of this quiet place, which fires his strength and honor as a ninja warrior. With lovely Samantha (Janet Pawlak) at his side, Jesse faces the Ku Klux Klan to save an innocent man (Craig Boyett). Even the sheriff is in the Klan's grip, and Jesse must summon his every skill to restore justice.

2008-87 Minutes- R
Directed by: Greg Bishop
IMDB Rating: 6/10
Synopisis

Filled with geekdom and gore, this tongue-in-cheek, teen creature feature centers on a high school prom at which the living dead await a crowd of unsuspecting students. Unfortunately for the promgoers, the only ones who can save them from zombiehood are the losers who couldn't even get a prom date in the first place. Can the vastly different cliques band together long enough to defeat the living dead? Jared Kusnitz and Greyson Chadwick star.

What time should you tune in?

Sherlock Holmes - 89 minutes - begin 8:30e/7:30c/6:30m/5:30p

*15 minute break*
Ninja Vengeance-87 minutes - begin 10:15e/9:15c/8:15m/7:15p

*15 minute break*

Dance of the Dead-87 minutes - begin 12:00(am)e/11:00c/10:00m/9:00p

Closing Thoughts

This will be the fourth Bad Netflix we have done and I have made it to everyone.  Each one has been a blast.  I am super stoked for this one and want to thank all the fellow bad netflixers for allowing me to kinda set this one up. I hope the films are fun for everyone. We have had the curse of the third movie which I guarantee is going to be broken here.  As Morbid has said I am kind of sad to see the curse go. I am guessing it's like Menopause.