This Is So Not Good: Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark- Emile Edwin Smith

Another shark movie. Didn't see that coming. The Asylum unleash more beasts onto the small screen. This time one of them happens to be made of metal, and will not be used for chum.

The megalodon is back. This time it is tearing up Australia. Good thing there is a married couple driving a metal shark. They are accompanied by Nero, an operating system with a little more control than probably necessary. They don't take kindly to megalodons, and spend like an hour trying to destroy it. Unfortunately they have no luck. The good news! Debbie Gibson took a  break from masquerading with the Circle Jerks to do some science. With the help of a couple beakers and a computer, she finds out the shark just really wants to bust a nut. He has some massive build up of shark sperm, and it is making him see red. The only cure. Find a sexy shark, bang, and fill the sea with BP levels of goo. They decide to use the metal shark as their own personal black widow. It plays out like an episode of Loony Toons where Bugs dresses up like a lady to arouse Elmer Fudd long enough to end him.

As has been stated many times. When it comes to these giant creature films. You already know what you think. They are not high art, and never were meant to be. If you enjoy the shenanigans of video game sharks and hilarious one liners, this is for you. If you prefer something original and well thought out, probably want to skip this one. If you want to let all your reservations go, turn off your brain, and put yourself in an entertaining coma, can I recommend Mega Shark vs ............


3/5


-Tromeric

Piranhaconda- Jim Wynorski

     I love creature films. I always have and I always will. I am a bit to young to have enjoyed the heyday when they were always at the drive in but even as a kid in the eighties I would get some thanks to horror hosts and VHS. I loved all the atomic era films even if I didn't live through them. In the last few years we have gotten a slew of them thanks to companies like The Maneater Series, The Asylum and Roger Corman getting back in the game. These are shclock. You don't watch them expecting to be changed, you watch them because you want to have fun. I know 2 Headed Shark Attack didn't change the face of cinema. You know what it did do? Gave me a huge nerd boner and made my day better. Is that so wrong?
     Piranhaconda, like Sharktopus starts out with an amazing theme song. This time it is a rockabilly song with the voice of an angel basically telling us what we are in store for, as if we didn't know. We meet up with Michael Madsen who is looking for eggs with his team. They quickly get the shit eaten out of them, hell the Piranhaconda even takes down a helicopter.  My question is why did the pilot think he could get away from a monster in a helicopter? Hasn't he seen Lake Placid or Mega Shark? They love to eat flying food.  I just want to point out that this is at four minutes  and fifteen seconds. Yeah! You get to meet the monster before the five minute mark and it devastates people. Thank you Mr. Wynorski for giving the people what they want. We then meet up with the rest of the bunch they are making a movie called Head Chopper which from what I can tell might be a sequel To Carnage: The Legend of Quiltface. A movie that I would love to see within a movie I am loving to see. Today is awesome. Well quickly some of the crew becomes fish snake.  food. Now that we have gotten some action it is time to bring some more story in. To accomplish this Michael Madsen gets kidnapped and the movie crew joins him soon after. Now Piranhaconda can really fuck some shit up.
     This movie delivers exactly what you want in a movie called Piranhaconda. The pissed off snake eats the shit out of so many people leaving nothing but limbs flooding the beach. The characters are all pretty entertaining  and the dialogue is pretty quick witted. You have all the classics. The airhead actress with a rocking bod, the smart unattainable final girl and the stud who happens to be the stuntman that plays Head Chopper and let me tell you he would make Steve Railsback jealous with his skills. The bad guys are pretty cliche but that is OK. They are just food for the snake.
     In the end like most of these you now whether you are interested in seeing it. I for one am usually happy with these and add a name like Wynorski and it pretty much means excellence. This guy continues to roll out fun and entertaining films for us to enjoy in spite of the whiny critics who can't figure out he knows what he is doing. It is not that he is incapable of making a "great film" it is that he doesn't give a shit and he just wants us to have fun on a Saturday night.


3/5


Tromeric

Easter A Go-Go: A Story of Rabbits, Torture, and Booze

     So Jesus may be my least favorite cryptozoological creature, I mean he ain't got shit on Bigfoot or  Chupacabra, but any excuse I can use for a marathon at the house of grog I will take advantage of like a Grandmother with alzheimers.  I wanted to do an all day/night marathon but by the time I got done serving people their bullshit Easter lunches and got home and got in the zone(sat on my porch with shots and smokes) it was already eight o'clock.  Peter Poison and I started off by giving ourselves res-erections with one of my favorite sequels that doesn't take place in college.

Critters 2: The Main Course- Mick Garris

     We meet Brad who has come back from the big city. Coincidentally the bounty hunters along with the town drunk Charlie are also stopping back in town to kill some mother fucking krites. We meet the townspeople who consist of Lipshitz from Whoopee Boys, Brad's grandma who teaches kids the right way to BM, the sexy small town reporter who in the words of Brad is "Jimmy Olson with breasts." Well I have a boner. These are just a few of the townsfolk. The town punk trades some eggs he found off the set of Poultrygeist for beer and Playboys because he knows what you need to survive. These eggs start hatching like an alligator in a sewer and the krites start unleashing their awesome. There of course are some casualties, not just the humans either. The krites have some pretty epic death moments. A dad steps on one of the eggs right before it hatches and it looks like the worst case of whiskey swamp butt ever, he isn't concerned though. He just thinks it's a Cadbury egg. That is just in the beginning. I will get to the rest. We gotta get back to the bounty hunters. They get suited up, and by that I mean turn into a Playboy model and yell "Kill Krites" a lot. The Krites are now causing so much tomfoolery you know shit is going down. They take over Shitlip's restaurant and turn it into their very own Good Burger. They love cheeseburgers more than those cat memes. Lots of them meet their demise here. One becomes licking good fried while one get's his hair shot off. While some take over the burger joint a bunch of others take on the rest of the town fucking shit up like they are the racoons from the Great Outdoors. This all just keeps escalating until we get one of monster cinemas best creatures. Critterzilla!
     Critters two is one of my favorite sequels, in fact it is just one of my favorite eighties horror films. It is not perfect but the effects created by my favorite Killer Klowns are a blast, the story is fun and as far as Easter themed horror it is at the top of the list. That should be a special category in the AFI.

    Now that Critters was over it was time to change the tone of things. We switched the disc over to the film that holds the award for most Jesus beating. The Passion of the Christ. Intoxication was fully set in by this point and the munchies(snacks not the Gremlins rip off) had set in. I attempted to make some popcorn but my drunk ass didn't bother taking the plastic off and just melted shit all over my microwave. I got my shit together and got some corn popped, grabbed some pop rocks and made another drink and sat down to watch this shit.

The Passion of the Christ- Mel Gibson

     We meet Jesus in a set more fog machine engulfed then a youth group stage production. He is taken to the guys from the California Raisin's Christmas special where they tell him he is crazy and a blaspheme. He is then set upon his journey to carry a cross, get beaten more than a girl in a Max Hardcore film, be whipped so much that I kept waiting for the Romans to tell him his name was Toby, run into some creepy ass kids that chase Judas like it's Hostel, see what Zelda Rubinstein looks like as a baby and run into the devil who happens to be the singer of Midnight Oil.
     The Passion is two hours of Jesus walking up a hill. It is like Lord of the Rings but more exciting. Along the way we also meet his mother who is a foot fetishist, Mary Magdalene who took a break from getting raped for nine minutes to be Jesus' whore and some of his disciples that sell him out quicker than a Mondo poster. Jesus just keeps getting beaten. Over and over. There is also lots of falling. He get's beaten then he falls. This film has more falling than a Julie Cruise song. This goes on and on with a couple quick breaks to teach us that Jesus built the table and his mom is a fucking idiot. This is all building to the climax which......Spoiler Alert. Jesus gets crucified, I am fine with Jesus getting crucified but did I really need to see his moose knuckle? After he is crucified they stab him just in case the hours of Jesus beating wasn't enough. That is a great moment as it reigns blood all over the crowd. This is where the film could of gotten even cooler but I will save that for another time.
     All jokes aside the passion is an excellent film. It is beautiful, powerful and well shot. The effects are some of the best I have ever seen. While I gave up Dungeons and Dragons years ago I still can appreciate this as a great movie as powerful as it is exploitative.

     At this point I am beyond drunk. I have left reality. Steph Infection shows up with Pizza and a "special" peanut butter that is exactly what I needed to add to the intoxication. Now that the Jesus beating was over, I had something in my stomach aside from alcohol and added peanut butter that would send me to a new land it was time for gigantic killer bunnies.

Night of the Lepus- William F. Claxton

     In this alternate reality where Janet Leigh survived the shower she has to take on a bunch of giant rabbits that have a taste for crayola crayons.
    I love giant animal movies. It's no secret. This is one of my faves. They use cutting edge technology known as the mother fucking zoom button to create these beasts. These giant rabbits wreak havoc on everything from horses to Warwick Davis' house . They chase trucks down(where was the "objects may be closer than they appear" joke?) and get shot with paintball guns as if it was Friday the 13th part 6.

    This was  a perfect way to end the night. I wanted to keep going but to be honest by this point I wasn't even sure what planet I was on. Next year I will have to start earlier so I can add Easter Bunny Kill! Kill!, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, Subconscious Cruelty, and Begotten to the Easter fest.


- Tromeric

2 Headed Shark Attack- Christopher Ray

Let me start this off by setting the scene for movie night in my house.  We gather the kids, get comfy on the couch and pop in 2 Headed Shark Attack.  It’s family movie night with all the blood and tits that entails.  We have a long tradition of watching all the Asylum movies we can and this one is up at the top of the heap.  You know when your 8 year old son is laughing his ass off because some dude just got ripped in half that the movie is doing something right.

One thing to keep in mind about this movie is that it sucks, but in the greatest way possible.  Anyone who knows me knows I’m a sucker for the genius that goes into making an unabashedly bad movie that works on almost every level.  It just goes to show that if you acknowledge what you’re working with and use it to it’s fullest you can make a fun movie, and that‘s all I can ask for.  There’s no pretense or delusion about what’s been put on the screen and I love the film makers for it.

The movie kicks off with a great kill right off the bat and lets you know what to expect and it never fails to deliver.  The shark effects are actually pretty decent for these low budget creature features, right up there with Sharktopus. Now that doesn’t mean the effects are anything close to good, but do you really want them to be? Personally I prefer the dirt path that somehow changes into smooth plastic when it cracks and the explosions that look like they were rendered on a PS2 and added into the movie with a 10 year old version of photo shop.  It just adds to the fun.

Pretty soon we’re introduced to our cast of usual players.  You have the d-bag bro and his loyal followers, the nerd, the crazy bitch that won’t shut the fuck up, plenty of big titty sluts, sassy black girls, and let’s not forget the tough girl with a chip on her shoulder.  All of them play their parts perfectly and you just can’t wait for them to die in the worst way possible. 

Special mention should be made for Carmen Electra, she really turns in a stirring performance as the most believable doctor I‘ve ever seen.  I also want to take a moment here and thank Asylum for offering an outlet for washed up celebrities to desperately cling to any fleeting bit of fame they can without having to get double teamed by Bret Michaels and Flava Flav on VH1. 

The real star of the show though is Jerry O’Connell’s brother Charlie.  I really believed his pain when he broke his leg and just made the same groaning sound over and over for the entire movie.  Frank Stallone had better watch out.

Soon the students, oh yeah they are on a semester at sea boat, have to abandon the boat and head to a nearby atoll.  Which the titular shark manages to run into hard enough to get it to start sinking.  Let me just say that the science in this movie is tight as shit, but again not really why you’re watching this movie.

Now the real reason you’re even thinking about watching this is for the kills and oh baby are there kills.  I won’t go into too much detail because it’s more fun to just experience them, but have no fear they rule.  Nice and bloody and completely ridiculous.

In closing, watch this movie.  If you have enjoyed any of the recent low budget monster movies this is right up there with Mega Piranha and Sharktopus as one of my favorites. Plus it has what may just be the most romantic onscreen kiss I’ve ever seen.  So really it’s the perfect Valentines Day movie for you and that special someone. 

This movie has tits, blood, and a 2 headed shark. Do you need to hear anything else? Two times the heads, two times the awesome.

3.5/5

Jacob VonKlingle

The Eden Formula- John Carl Buechler

    John Carl Buechler has made some pretty fantastic movies. Ghoulies 3: Ghoulies go to College is well dare I say a masterpiece. Miners Massacre is so bad ass he could give Harry Warden a run for his money and we can never forget all the amazing effects work this man has done. Friday the 13: The New Blood is one of my least favorite of the series but the Jason effects in that are right at the top of the list. Hatchet gave him a chance to shine again and he got to drink his own pee. Awesome.
     The Eden Formula I am sad to say is not at the top of the list of awesome. You had the elements there. Dinosaur, Tony Todd, John Carl Buechler, and the Lawnmower Man himself Jeff Fahey. The dinosaur looked like it was from Sifl and Olly. That of course is not a bad thing. I enjoyed the dinosaur. Every time he picked someone up and ate their head off, cinematic gold. There were some good effects and some awesome moments but it suffered from the way to fucking long for its own good syndrome. If it had been about half the length and they cut out all the unnecessary heist crap out it could of went right there on the list with Miners Massacre but by about an hour I was pretty god damn bored.
     I have seen worse, if you have the time and are pretty intoxicated there is some enjoyment to be found you just will have to suffer through a bullshit heist movie that happens to have a bad ass puppet dino that eats bitches.


1.5/5

Tromeric

Behemoth- David Hogan

     Mr. Gable is doing a MANEATER week over at his place. What else do you do for fourth of July week that doesn't involve wanting to get out of taxes and covering blankets in smallpox?  I myself can't think of anything so of course I jumped in, as any chance I get to watch shitty movies with shitty animals that fuck shit up is right up my alley. So up my alley we go.
     MANEATER is basically the asylums retarded little brother on food stamps, and I don't mean the new hi tech credit card style. I mean old ass monopoly money food stamps. If you haven't figured out what I am saying it is that the MANEATER series is basically amazing.
     Behemoth is a disaster movie with a gigantic Graboid Medusa monster causing quakes and making the CW"S guest star line ups boobs to shake. A whole lot of other TV actors round out this cast of badassary, most notably William B. Davis who doesn't even smoke one cigarette.
     MANEATER like the asylum are not necessarily "great" films but they are super entertaining and they have so much heart Harry Warden is probably nearby waiting to give them the pick axe. Recommended only to people with severe problems that enjoy fun shitty sinema if that's not you I suggest you get a wrench and unscrew your asshole a bit because it is wound up tighter than that "special" kids toy he got from McDonald's.


2/5


Tromeric

Mega Python vs Gatoroid- Mary Lambert

      The director of Pet Semetary brings possibly the best of the Mega movies.  The Asylum just keep getting bigger and better.
     Debbie Gibson liberates a bunch of snakes and Out of the Blue(see what I did there) decides to free them in a pond like two feet out of town. They get big and eat shit so Tiffany gives some gators roid rage and people start getting eaten, including Tiffany's boy toy, yes I think Tiffany is alone now(I did it again).Its go time and all the redneck hunters are out for snake blood. It was like Swamp People without Troy and CGI gators. Gators get bigger and Snakes get longer. CHAOS.
     As I have said many times I love The Asylum. They got this movie right. It starts right off the bat. The gators look bad ass and its got plenty of funny moments. It's nonstop kill after kill after hilarious bad acting with creatures that will fuck your shit up.  You will witness the most epic fight scene ever. It gives They Live a run for its money.  Their is a montage to what I assume is a Debbie Gibson song that is fanfuckingtabolous.  Animation, science and gators growing at a rapid rate. Debbie Gibson in a white wet short ass dress and Tiffany's boobs are always in lens.
      I suggest all get a sixer put this on and just sit back and be entertained.


3.5/5

Tromeric

Tentacles- Ovidio G. Assonitis

     It's like Jaws but with a giant sea creature. Wait. Its like Jaws but it takes place in the ocean. Wait again. Its like Jaws but its kinda boring but has some bad ass moments. Wait.  God damn it this is Jaws just with an octopussy instead of a shark.
      As many have figured out I love giant animal movies. I don't even care if they are total shit, which they usually are. This is no exception. It's kinda slow, not a lot happens and overall its a turd but I still watch it from time to time. You can figure out what happens in this its basic and kinda boring but have some drinks and its always fun to see animals kill people.  Highlight of this is seeing Shamu fight the octopus. Its like Zombie vs Shark but there are no punk songs written about it.  Final thought total shit but I love shit.

1.5/5


Tromeric

30 Day Horror Challenge day 20

     Day twenty brings us to killer animal movie. Really?  How can I pick a favorite?  Hey pick which actress from Burning Angel you want to have sex with, but only one.  I can't do it. I fucking love any movie with animals.  I don't care if its total shit I will watch it and probably love it.  I watch all this shit. The entire Maneater series. I rocked em. Movies with Gary Busey killing tigers. I'll stand by it.  David De Coteau made some movies with leeches or bears where its just a dude in a bear suit shaking a car. I will watch it and laugh the whole time. I don't give a shit.  There of course are the classics like Jaws or Alligator but aside from that you have Orca the Killer Whale.  Yeah whale abortion.  Night of the Lepus, fuck I am kinda scarred of those cute little bunnies.  Eaten Alive by Tobe Hooper or Rogue by Greg McLean were bad ass killer croc movies.  Crocodile and Crocodile 2 were fucking terrible but I loved watching the crocs save woman from rape scenarios. So many great killer bug movies. Arachnophobia, Them, Eight Legged Freaks, Ants.   Can anyone say Piranha?  How about the remake? The Asylums mockbuster Mega Piranha? That might be the best. All the mega movies. Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus. The Asylum also made Moby Dick 2010 which blew my mind like that girl from Necromantik blew that dead dude.  Speaking of sharks ummm Shark Attack with king of the straight to video Casper Van Dien, not to mention Meglodon  with the best pick up line ever. Lake Placid? Betty White talks bout dicks and sucking, part two with Bo Duke and part three that was way better than it had any right to be.  The William Girdler movies like Grizzly or Day of the Animals. He has something to say mother fuckers. The Boneyard with the giant Zombie Poodle, all the awesome crossbreeds like Sharktopus or Frankenfish?  How can you not love this shit?  Killer Dogs? Fucking Cujo, Mans Best Friend, or Devil Dog.  And don't forget Snakes. Python, Mega Snake, Jaws of Satan, Anaconda, Snakes on a Plane or the mockbuster Snakes on a Train.  These are all fucking priceless pieces of art you monkeys, speaking of monkeys can I say Outbreak or Monkey Shines?  Yeah well with all of these there is one movie that gives me the biggest nerd boner ever and that is......   

Thats right. Birdemic:Shock and Terror. This movie is a huge piece of shit. I love it like this one girl I knew loved an Icy Mike.  I am a bit tipsy off Spider Bites so I am gonna not even bother to explain this gem and will just link to my review I wrote back after the first time I saw this masterpiece.

Tromeric

Moby Dick- Trey Stokes

     Oh the Asylum is one of the best things that has ever happened in our existence. Yeah tearing down the great wall was OK, but seriously a huge shark didn't eat the great wall.
     The Asylum takes on a literary classic this time.  Moby Dick is here to fuck shit up, and this time Brad Majors is around to take this mother down.
     This is a modern retelling of the classic and the Asylum pulls no punches.  Moby Dick is one scary looking mother and he is gonna get Mr. Ahab, last time he got his leg which good ol Barry reminds of about a thousand times but this time he wants the whole package. 
      This has it all, tons of action, amazing effects(you decide what this means), and acting and quotable script that will put Arnold to shame.  I could go on to explain what happens, but who gives  a shit. You know what you are getting here. The Asylum takes on Moby Dick, Barry Bostwick acts his ass off and bitches get attacked by a giant whale.  Do you need to know anymore? If you do, I will have Mr. Bostwick set Micheal J Fox on you with a meat cleaver, and you know he wont be able to hold that shit still.

3/5


Tromeric

Razortooth- Patricia Harrington

     I love shitty giant animal movies.  I do.  I also love Unagi.   So as far as I am concerned this movie is fucking awesome.  It is shit, the eel looks like the the offspring if all of the snake monsters from Buffy mixed their semen in a big vat, cooked it on a spoon and injected it in the Freddy snake monster.  It doesn't matter though. 
    Lots of kills, some pretty god damn amazing for instance the fat hillbilly getting treated like the cast of Alive.  We all must eat a little ass from time to time.  Jackass could up the ante with this little stunt.  The acting is pretty bad and the music is mostly stolen. 
     All in all this is garbage but I fucking love it.

2.5/5

Tromeric






Whats your take Mr Nye?

     If you’re anything like me (and let’s face it, you know you want to be) you love awful, straight to dvd monster movies with terrible CGI. Movies like frankenfish, mega shark vs giant octopus, and mega piranha. This one is every bit as good as the ones I just mentioned. The giant eel that is terrorizing the swamp looks simply dreadful as far as CGI goes, but the design is spot on. There is a surprisingly high death toll, unlike most of these no-budget creature features. They must’ve splurged on some extra extras. The gore may be terrible, but it’s fun, and that’s what matters. A stereotypical redneck meets his “end” in a hilarious manner that is worth the price of admission alone. The only downside I can think of is an obviously public domain score, stolen from my favorite iPhone horror trivia game, along with a bunch of rejected songs from the Singles soundtrack. This one, like many of our reviews from tonight, is available to stream through Netflix, and you could do a lot worse. I would love to give this a five out of five, just for the fun factor, but I know too much about good movies and can’t do so in good conscience.

3/5

Gabe Nye the Science Guy

Maneater- Gary Yates

     The Gingerdead man himself Gary Busey takes on a tiger that is well, a man eater.  I went into this expecting a made for TV shitty movie about a tiger that eats people. Low and behold that is what I got, what did surprise me though is the lack of CGI and somehow Gary Busey pulls of the best acting he has done in a long time. Actually everyone in this holds their own as far as acting goes.  No one will be getting an Oscar by any means but compared to say Grizzly Rage or The Swarm I gotta admit I was impressed. 
      So the basics are Mr. Busey is the Sheriff of some shit hole town where you guessed it a tiger gets loose.  Then you have some kid that is brought up in a trailer with his crazy ass mom who wont let him play with all the other little boys or go to school or do any of those weird things kids do like socialize or learn facts.  The interaction between these two is priceless at one point the mom says something like "while I'm at work no make beleive just read your bible."  I guess she doesn't realize that the bible has more fantasy and rape than Deathstalker 2.   Next up we have a dude with possibly the coolest mustache ever.   He has shown up from England to have tea and crumpet's and listen to music on his record player, oh and kill a tiger because obviously that's what he does.  The Tiger keeps killing people and eating them, except the little boy.  I thought Christians were suppose to get fed to tigers, oh that's lions. My bad.
     I am a sucker for giant or killer animal movies. I don't really care if they are good or not I always enjoy this shit, except for Spiders 2, that made my butt hole bleed.  While this is no Burning Bright(a killer tiger movie that was surprisingly effective) it is put together with way more suspense and entertainment that it has any right to.   If you want to have 90 minutes spent watching Busey be crazy and tigers eat some folk then boy have I found the movie for you.


2.5/5

Tromeric

Piranha -Alex Aja

Holy shit this movie is so much fun. I don't give a fuck about plot, I don't give a shit about much I just had more fun than B.T.K. had that time he took Helen Keller to the rope show. Starts off with with Matt Hooper(yes that Matt Hooper) singing some songs and catching some fish.  Then Precious takes a huge step and opens up the core of the lake and lets loose some bad ass fish.  From here on out it is 90 minutes of amazing killing and titties.  So many douchnozzles get the fuck eaten out of them by stupid looking fish.  Jerry O Connell gives the performance of a life time, it may be right up there with Joe's Apartment. I don't even know what I can say.  If your not a pussy you will love this movie. It is just fun, so fucking bloody and brooooooooootal and hot.  Hot naked woman swimming,  Doc Brown is there to explain what caused this, Eli Roth gets Sleepaway Camped.  The massacre scene will make Nan King look like a Rainbow Bright cartoon.  I don't want to ruin anything but dick burp. Wow, What the fuck? go watch this. Titties and blood for 90 minutes, did I mention they fly at your face? They do. Piranha 3D came all over my face and I loved it.  I rubbed that shit all over my sweet titties and let it lick it off, and it loved it cuz its a dirty whore.

4/5

Tromeric

Burning Bright- Carlos Brooks

So a cute girl and a sped(oh sorry I beleive the PC term is tardburger) get locked in a house during a hurricane by their asshole step dad. Oh did I mention they are being stalked by one pissed off tiger?  This is the basic premise of Burning Bright.  No this is not a joke, it also isn't a made for Syfy movie. What it is is way better than it deserves to be.  Its like a decent slasher movie but you replace Michael Myers with Sigfried and Roy's arch nemisis.  It starts off with assdad meeting Meatloaf for a sketchy transaction to buy an evil tiger, then the daughter is trying to enroll her tard brother in some home, he's not like Corky tard, he is the I'll remember the whole dictionary and make sure you spread that peanut butter to the right and not to the left kind of dooode.  She feels bad cuz her mom offed herself and she doesn't want to abandon her little USB drive.  She wants to go to college though and she has some great plans to learn how to answer a phone or some shit.  I don't know why she doesn't just buy a stack of phone books and put him in a cage, he will keep himself busy.  Anyways here asshole step dad found her bank account and was able to clear it so she cant afford the school for abandoning her bro. Turns out he spent that money to buy said pissed off tiger.  Now he needs more money so he boards up all the windows and doors and lets loose the beast to kill off these pesky kids so he can get the insurance money. This is where I get confused, after all of this insanity and the fucking fact that this is a home invasion movie staring a tiger as the big bad Krug and this all takes place during a hurricane because the best way a dude could think of killing off a couple of kids was to set up a Rube Goldberg trap that P.T. Barnum would be jealous of.  With all of this said it is entertaining, full of suspense and looks amazing, they did not use any CGI that I could tell, its always a real tiger. I don't think you can properly describe this as it sounds insane and it is just something that needs to be seen to be believed.  So go watch it, Jesus fucking Christ why are you still reading this bullshit, go to the store and hook that shit up.











3.5/5



Tromeric

Mega Piranha- Eric Forsberg

Have you ever seen a Piranha the size of a short bus jump in the air and catch a falling soldier as if it was a tennis ball? Well I have. Now that we have established that I am better then you lets get to the review. Some things you need to know, the Asylum is a bad-ass company they are kind of brilliant. They take 10 dollars or so and steal other movies that have cost way more and make them awesome. Sure I could watch Snakes on a Plane, but I could also watch Snakes on a Train. They get washed up celebrities to make appearances and I eat it up. Debbie Gibson was in Mega Shark and Tiffany graces us with her presence for the Gem. I think were alone now, nope their are some big mutha fucking piranhas that are gonna eat your balls. The cinematography looks similar to the Genesis version of Echo the Dolphin, and the helicopter scenes are straight out of the Air wolf game for the NES. How can you actually review this, you cant, luckily I'm not known for my abilities to "write" or "think" I'm here to get drunk and type a bunch of nonsense that I can disguise as a review. Its like a decoder ring. Do you know what the fuck I'm saying? I don't half the time. Ill translate. Mega Piranha is really really bad but also really really awesome at the same time. It's like the S & M of Creature Features.


3/5

Tromeric

Grizzly Rage -David Decoteau

This bear is pissed. I kept waiting for Carrie to show up, but no luck. Four really irritating friends set out for a camping trip. They say really irritating things, and listen to really bad music. They decide to go past the normal spot, cut some chains and trespass. They drive around like a bunch of dick nuggets and kill a grizzly cub. The mom is now more pissed than orca the killer whale, but of course in their dick nugget driving they crack the radiator. So mamma bear starts picking them off one by one. Which isn’t the worst thing as they are really irritating. There is only about one shot of the bear that is reused every time it growls. When the bear is attacking the car there is sweet use of a man in a bear suit that had me laughing my arse off every time they used it. That alone is worth the price of admission.

1/5
Eric

Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent-Amir Valinia

Also known as Carnivorous, not that it matters. All that matters is DMX is in a alligator face killer snake movie, and in case you were wondering X is coming to get ya. In the beginning of this it seems like instead of a alligator head it should have a pumpkinhead as it starts off with a bunch of douche bag kids driving along and drinking and this nice small town couple is gardening or some shit and these kids hit the lady. This dude is now pissed so he draws some bad picaso like snake alligator and feeds it to some box, not a vagina but a wooden box with some craft warehouse style crafts done on it that bring the alligator snake alive to eat it some douchy twenty somethings. So now everything you expect to happen does, lap dances, sex with underwear and bra still intact, video game snake alligator plunges through dudes, snake alligator vision(which is sweet), DMX shows up with a missile launcher, you know the normal. Now this sounds bad I know, and it is. with that said, if your like me you cant help but watch this shit, I mean i bought snakes on a train and Megasnake for Christ's sake. My one complaint, aside from it sucking turtle shaft is that this snake alligator didn't save anyone from getting raped, i guess you could argue that its half snake but still, in my humble opinion its not a giant gator movie if at least someone isn't saved from rape just to get the shit eaten out of them at a later point. All in all this is shit, but what can I say, I must have a bit of a scat fetish.

1/5
Eric