Drive Angry 3D- Patrick Lussier

     Holy shit I just blew a huge fucking load of sperm out my dick, it was flying towards the screen in slowmo when another batch of love juice shot out going faster and zoomed in and shot the first load in half that than bukaked all over the audience.
      Drive Angry is one big orgasm, right from the start it penetrates every hole you have and gives no apologies.  Nicholas Cage is less crazy then usual but still fucking hilarious and bad ass.  Amber Heard is so fucking sexy that after I left I had to walk around like a greater than symbol the whole way home.  William Fichtner gives one of the best performances I have seen in a long fucking time.  He is so subtly condescending, arrogant and laugh out loud hilarious that I stopped thinking about Amber Heards ass, briefly but still that has to mean something.  Everyone in this is at the top of their game, sure I'm guessing Oscars wont be handed out but everyone is entertaining as shit.  All the supporting cast is great as well, Christa Campbell, David Morse, the dad from the rapey eyed vampire films and of course mother fucking ATKINS!!!!
      The plot is simple, Nicholas Cage is pissed because his daughter eats dick hangs out with crazy Christ freaks that are actually Satan loving hippies and gets herself killed.  He comes back from "prison" to make jokes, fuck, fight, shoot in slowmo and drive like James Taylor.  Along the way he has to deal with old enemies, cops, cult members and an accountant from hell.
     This movie does not need to be analyzed,  it doesn't matter. It is a road revenge supernatural action comedy full of nudity, gore, and car chases.  Its a popcorn movie, only its a popcorn movie where you pull your dick out, cum all over the popcorn, set it on fire and throw a baby on the semen covered bucket in hopes that the dark lord will take you on a joy ride.

Tromeric


3.5/5

Black Roses- John Fasano

One of the few Heavy Metal Horror Films and certainly one of the best aside from Trick or Treat of course why may be the best Rocksploitation film ever made. Black Roses are sweet with the power of Robert Sweet and the Faces of the feebles they are out to fuck shit up. This is one of those movies you just put on and enjoy, the effects cost 10 dollars and they rule. The monsters may not feel threatening but you don't give a fuck the creature from things comes out of a record player and without even moving manages to kill a soprano. That's talent. Lizzy Borden supplies a couple of the films songs which is sweet, the score however is provided by Wesley Willis. Crazy titted bitch turns into Andre Agassi and cuts a bitch. Poetry Teacher loves Burt Reynolds and is real sneaky in his Marty Mcfly Vest. Don't analyze this shit, just watch it and be happy it exists. I know I am.


3.5/5

Tromeric

Lo- Travis Betz

Not at all what I expected. Creatures are kinda bad ass looking, all takes place in one room for the most part, its like panic room but better. Demons wearing Swastica patches and singing about love in a Do Wop type band. Give it a shot.

3/5

Eric

The House of the Devil- Ti West

Well shit. I felt like I was watching a movie in my duplex when I was 8 Years old. Captures the feel of the 80's Devil/Cult movies better than i could of imagined. Interesting Characters, great gore, and wow is Jocelin Donahue insanely sexy. Not to mention you have Dr Vadar and Frankenstein from the squad as creepy fucking Richies, at least their not poories, aah Frostbite ruled. Anyways back to House of the Devil, the build up in this is perfect. There is a lot of it but they meticulously space it out and give you something just at the point where you think nothing is going to happen. Ti West is on his his way to horror genius. House of the Devil made me wanna kick a baby in its soft spot then use the blood to summon the great Dark Lord and play lets make a deal with my soul just to get more movies put out as fucking bad ass as this.

4.5/5

Eric

Necromentia- Pearry Reginald Teo

Clive Barker had a kid, not in a sweet Junior kind of way but in a Clive went straight and had sex with the female Allister Crowley. Parts of this are pretty bad ass, Fat pig men singing suicide songs(not the two piece, the act of) Some decent looking creatures and monsters, not to mention kills. The other side of the coin is some of it comes off ridiculous and looks like some god damn Nu Metal Video, get a few drinks, and Satan it up and you will have a bloody good time, not like in England but like a twelve year old's first visit from her Aunt.

1.5/5

Eric

The Gate- Tibor Takács

Fuck Yeah, The Gate is so bad ass. Stephen Dorff in his first role, he's like not even born yet or some shit. His friendaloo is so metal, sweet Venom back patch dude. Plus hes like 12 and loves obscure European metal bands, I wanna party with this dude. The effects in this are so awesome, sweet 80's Stop motion and clay, fucking amazing, like stories. Very dark for what is supposed to be a kids horror film, i love it, FUN, FUN, FUN.

4/5

Eric