The Theatre Bizarre- Douglas Buck/Buddy Giovinazzo/David Gregory/Karim Hussain/Jeremy Kasten/Tom Savini/Richard Stanley

  Look at that list of directors. Is it possible for my dick to be any harder. I will just list some of the things that these guys are responsible for. Hardware, Dust Devil, Combat Shock, Cutting Moments, Home, Prologue, The Wizard of Gore(remake), Night of the Living Dead(remake), and my personal favorite Subconscious Cruelty. That is just his directing credit. Karim Hussain also was responsible for how beautiful Hobo with a Shotgun looked as he was DP(not donkey punch you sick bastard) on that.  Tom Savini has created effects for some of the best films made in history(Maniac, Friday the 13th, Dawn of the Dead, The Prowler, and on and on and on). Most of these guys also take on other responsibilities such as editor, writer, and cinematographer. The cast is rounded out with all kinds of faces you will recognize. Debbie Rochon, Lynn Lowery, Udo Kier, and even Tom Savini himself.  All of these much different yet all equally amazing men come together and with the help of the one I haven't mentioned yet David Gregory who from what I can tell is the backbone of this put together The Theatre Bizarre.  
     Horror anthologies are not the most common sub genre in the modern age. We saw a lot more of them in the seventies and eighties. Creepshow is probably the most recognizable of the bunch but you of course had the TV shows turned movie anthologies like Tales from the Crypt(I guess that was before the TV show), and Tales from the Dark side as well as a few hits(The Willies) and misses(Campfire Tales) along the way. Recently we received Chllerama which was fun but definitely not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. The closest thing to a perfect anthology film would be Trick r' Treat and that is arguable if it even fits in the sub genre. Well History pulled straight out my ass 101 is over lets get our asses to the theater, and don't forget to turn off your cell phone and shut your fucking mouth or I will sick one of these madman on you.
     I am not going to dissect these one by one as I want you to have as much fun watching things unfold as I did. If I spelled it out for you that would be like if the publisher of Scary Stories to tell in the dark decided to take out all the amazing artwork and replace it with more modern less exciting artwork, wait.......Sorry I can't get that off my mind. Seriously though. I am not here to ruin these so I will just give a quick overview of the film and you can judge my excitement. Things you will see in this movie. Eyeball injections, frog sex, human marionettes, crab vaginas, girls injecting themselves with unborn baby juice and so much more. Each of these entries have so much to offer and that is just the tip of the iceberg.I don't want it to sound like this is a shock film either. It has some obviously, but it also has some insanely beautiful moments. Douglas Buck's being the most notable. His story while being the least horror is the most heart wrenching. You also have everything from Lovecraftian creatures to highbrow cannibalism. 
     Seven directors, seven segments(including the wrap around) and two hours of everything the title promises you.

4/5

Tromeric
  

The Last Circus- Álex de la Iglesia

     Clowns with machine guns. I assume I could stop this review right now and if you are not a pussy you would already be like" shit yeah I am gonna watch this." Thing is I am drunk and want to ramble a bit so fuck you.  The Last Circus is a Spanish movie with amazing visuals and a storyline that would make Terry Gilliam squirt knuckle children all over his pants.  I mean they would be running down his leg. Seriously.
     We start off in the thirty's and a circus is overtaken by some military.  They get all these fucking clowns and give them weapons. Have you seen a clown with a machete? It's fucking terrifying.  These clowns are fucking shit up and the blood is spraying like it's 1969(I am insinuating Sharron Tate's unborn child squirting like it's a Evil Empire video). I don't want to ruin the plot as I don't do that. I am not Roger Ebert.  It doesn't matter. The visuals are amazing. The end is like Batman 1989 if made in Spain.

4/5


Tromeric

Enter the Void- Gasper Noe

     I have been waiting for this for a long time.  After seeing Irreversible in 2001 I couldn't wait to see what he would do next. It wasn't to long after I saw Irreversible that I started hearing talk of a new film then jump ahead a Christ age and a half and we finally get Enter the Void.  It has been playing here for two weeks and due to scheduling conflicts and other factors(Alcohol) I just finally made it out tonight, which is good as it was the last showing in town.
     I'll set a mood for you of how my evening panned out which definitely added to the experience. I woke up this morning and it was so fucking cold my balls had retracted into my throat.  I grabbed a blanket turned on the TV so I could catch up on my stories.  I then went out for a cigarette which did not help the cold situation at all but was a risk I was willing to take. It took me about 4 hours to finally get my body temperature back up to at least what is normal for me. I spent my day watching my stories(Ugly Americans, The Walking Dead, South Park, among many more) and then sat down to enjoy the special features on my Anti-Christ disc.  Chainsawdomy got home from slinging discs all day so we made some food and set out on our journey.  It was of course raining because that is what it does for the next nine months we were blasting Fall of Efrafa's Elil and making our epic journey.  We found parking, walked down to the theater and as luck would have it got in early and for free thanks to a good dude we ran into.  We then go into the theater and they are blasting Julee Cruise's Floating into the Night which definitely sets the mood very nicely as I assume I am about to get raped in the brain. We grab our seats and at first they seem great until a bunch of fucktards start crowding in. I got stuck next to this smelly ass mother fucker who didn't agree with the fact that my coat needed its own seat. I told him it did but got sick of the drunken gaze he gave and caved and let him sit which wasn't the best move as he smelled of butthole.  Take a shower people. It was finally time, after years of anticipation I was finally here.  I knew in the next two and a half hours my brain was gonna feel all kinds of things. Kind of like a school girl who falls in love, gets one of those do you like me yes, no or maybe notes and is having the time of her life and feels as everything is right in the world and then bam, she is raped by 74 crazy methheads. 
    Well now that I accidentally included my journal entry for the day I will move onto the movie.
Gasper Noe has set himself a place as one of the most innovative filmmakers alive. His angles and edits are so mind blowing.  Enter the Void is no different, some of the shit he pulls off here will blow your fucking mind apart. You know it right from the opening credits that basically drill it into your head in what might be the most in your face credits you have ever seen, you know right from then that Noe is not fucking around. He wants to get to it even at the risk of giving half of the audience a seizure in the process. We now are in an apartment with a brother and sister, this is totally done P.O.V.  not the P.O.V. I am used to as there are far less choking and gagging sounds. Right from the start though you are Oscar, you feel what he does, you see what he does, I think I may of gotten high with him as well I'm not sure but it kind of felt like it. William Castle would be jealous. Anyways I feel that this was a very good choice on Noe's part and definitely helps establish mood he is setting. Now for the rest of the hundred and fifty minutes we are on this journey with Oscar and can't escape if we want to.  I will stop at that as you must take this journey yourself as it is a way better ride if you don't know what is about to rip you apart.
     Enter the Void is a long and tiring ride but one that everyone should take.  It takes you on a range of emotions, it makes you sick, it makes you laugh, it makes you jump.  Is this a perfect movie? No, but damn close. Is this better than I Stand Alone or Irreversible? At this point I would say no but with more viewings I may change my mind. I doubt it but this does deserve your attention. It is a long ride, my ass hurts bad. I don't know if my ass has felt this much pain since that time at summer camp but that's what those ass donuts are for. 


That may be my longest and often quite off subject review yet.  I channeled my inner Vern. 


4.5/5


Tromeric

Trash Humpers- Harmony Korine

I feel like I just got Raped.  Not in a bad way but in  a I'm wearing a short skirt and kinda wanted it way. I knew what I was getting myself into when I went to see this, OK maybe not exactly but I have been a fan of Harmony Korine since I first rented Gummo when I was in High School and got punched in the dick while watching it. I saw the trailer for this and was sure I was in for a treat( a rapey dick punch treat).  I was right it is 75 minutes of chaos, a bunch of old fucks(actually young fucks in really good prosthetic's)act like a bunch of juvenile delinquents. They go around lighting off firecrackers, killing people, telling racist jokes and of course sticking their old wrinkled balls in trash till they cum, why not.  Harmony Korine is an acquired taste for sure. I'm not recommending everyone goes out and sees this. I hope they do and I hope I'm there to witness it because I love showing people this shit, watching them get all uncomfortable and cringing and just feeling like shit, I get off on that a bit, I'm not gonna lie, am I a sick fuck? Yes I am, I have been watching John Waters and Russ Meyer Movies since I was dick high. And I don't mean when I was molested you sick fucks I mean when I was roughly at the height of an average mans penis, doesn't mean its in my mouth. Get your mind out of the gutter.   Newsweek said "Trash Humpers leaves the residue of an authentic nightmare. You'll want to shower afterward."I agree but I would go as far to say I am going to shower and shave and brush my teeth, hell Its gonna be like cutting moments up in here, I will brush the shit out of my teeth till they are bleeding and I am dead. That would be a nice relaxing evening after watching this. I will leave you with the words of the wordsmith Andrew "It's just like anal. You're stoked before hand, when it's over you feel sick and your body is sore." Pretty much sums it up.

4/5

Tromeric