4/5
Tromeric
Silents to talkies, brutal to bad and ass to mouth. A place where grammar and spell check can be found at the bottom of the bottle. Glasses and horns in the air!!!!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
What is It?- Crispin Hellion Glover
4/5
Tromeric
Monday, June 14, 2010
Top Ten Horror Video Games- Gabe Nye the Science Guy
Top Ten Horror Video Games of all time (According to my drunken memory, with zero research done, so if you think I missed something you can suck it. {"It" meaning my dick of course, or whatever dick is most readily available to you, I don't expect you to come all the way out here. I'm polite that way.})
Hey, Gabe Nye the Science Guy here, bringing you my highly scientific list of horror games. Before I get to the list though, I want to clarify how I'll be choosing these games. I'm not necessarily saying that number one is the best game from a technical standpoint, nor the most fun to play. In my mind the goal of a good horror game is to be both fun and scary, or reminiscent of great horror film-making. Telling a good story is also very important, something that few video games get right as I see it. I'm also going to try and limit myself to only one game per franchise. I'll try to remember to touch on the other noteworthy entries in the franchise in my summaries, but frankly I don't want the list to be nothing but silent hill and resident evil. I'm sure you understand. I'm just going to pick what I feel is the best of each series, and I can tell you right now that it probably won't be the first games. Unlike movies, games tend to get steadily better with each new entry. Tons of credit is certainly due to the originators though, and I'll definitely be explaining why each franchise is important as a whole. Plus, and I think it may go without saying, but as technology improves and graphics/sound get more and more lifelike, games have the potential to be increasingly disturbing and visceral. Anyway, you clearly aren't here to read about why I have/haven't rated certain games, so here's the list (finally).
10. Splatterhouse (TurboGrafx-16, PC)
Splatterhouse is really the first game that I can remember really living up to the horror genre. We had gotten a few weak movie related "horror" games (I'm looking at you Friday the 13th for the NES), but they neither lived up to the movies they were based on, or captured the fun and atmosphere of good horror. Splatterhouse changed that, it's not based on any movie, but I think it's pretty clear who inspired the main character's look. Hmmm, blue coveralls, creepy white mask, who could that be? The gameplay was pretty basic, walk from left to right, punch things to death, pick up the occasional weapon to beat things to death a little faster. There were some pretty cool boss encounters, such as the poltergeist where you dodge pieces of furniture being tossed at you. There was even a pretty decent story, for the time, you were out to rescue your girlfriend, with the help of a mystical mask that makes you super fucking bad-ass. The game wasn't easy, but that's how we rolled back in the day. You can download this one for your Wii via the virtual console store and relive the glory days of gory games. I highly recommend it. There were two sequels to this for the genesis, and both are well worth checking out. The graphics got better, and some new gameplay was added, but the first is really the one that I have the most fond memories of.
9. Doom 3 (PC/Xbox)
The first Doom was a revolutionary game for a lot of reasons, and it almost made the list just because of that. However, this is a list about horror, and while the first Doom was definitely creepy for its time, Doom 3 really brought home the scares. The plot is pretty basic, portals to hell being opened, demons on mars, blah blah. Not really important. Part of what made this game so creepy was the insane graphics. This was, hands down, the prettiest game ever made when it came out. If you were lucky, your computer could almost run it decently. If you got the chance to see it in action on a souped up machine back when it came out, I guarantee your eyes exploded out of your skull in an orgasm of graphical awesome. Or maybe you just went "neat, that looks pretty slick". I guess it depends on how much you care about video game graphics. Looking pretty aside, the game was constantly fucking with you, bloody footprints appearing on the floor in front of you, creepy ghost shit, you name it. There's a particularly memorable bit when you look into a bathroom mirror and catch a glimpse of hell. The sound design really added a lot to the atmosphere as well, you were constantly hearing things that weren't there, if you were lucky. The gameplay was every bit as good as the visuals too. It was a fast paced, action-packed game where death was always right around the doorstep. All the action really emphasized the scares whenever you had downtime. You knew it couldn't last long. The one downside of the game was a kind of cheesy flashlight system. Basically, you could either have your flashlight on, or have your gun out, but never both at the same time. We have the technology to open portals to hell on mars, but we can't attach a flashlight to a shotgun? What the fuck is that all about? Still, while this gameplay mechanic may be a little unbelievable, it really kept you on your toes. Whenever you walked into a pitch black room, you knew you'd have to whip out the light, but that left you defenseless. Creepy shit. If you missed out on this one, you should do yourselves a favor and track it down. Any decent computer these days should be able to run it. Or you can check out the Xbox version, it doesn't look quite as nice, but it's every bit as good.
8. Zombies ate my Neighbors (SNES/Genesis)
Ok, so this one definitely isn't scary at all, far from it. In fact, it's pretty fucking goofy, but in the best way. Think of this as the gremlins of the videogame world. (Yeah, I'm pretty sure there actually was at least one gremlins game for the NES, but I'm also pretty sure it was a big pile of shit.) By that I mean, it doesn't take itself seriously at all, and it's a hell of a lot of fun. It had a great graphical style, heavily influenced by the "B" horror movies of the 50's and 60's. So don't expect a bloodbath here. Gameplay was pretty basic, it's a top down run n' gun shooter. The little twist here is that you have to rescue your neighbors from the monsters. It's not exactly the most cerebral game in the world, but it's fun as shit and addictive as hell. This one is also available on the Virtual Console for the Wii, and you'd be doing yourself a favor by checking out a true cult classic of a game. For the more intrepid, a sequel was made called Ghoul Patrol. I can't really tell you too much about that one, because I haven't played it in over a decade. I do remember liking it though, I believe it was more of the same with a few improvements. That one you'll have to track down on eBay, or the more unscrupulous amongst you might download a ROM for their emulators (criminals).
7. Heavy Rain (PS3)
Ok, so this may actually be the best game on this list as far as I'm concerned. So, why isn't it number 1, you ask? I'll tell you. This is a horror game in the same way that Silence of the Lambs and Seven are horror movies. Which is to say, barely. It's really more of a psychological thriller at heart. Having said that, it's still scary as hell at times, and probably the most emotionally involving game I've ever played. I'm not sure I'm qualified to describe how the game actually plays. It almost has to be played to be understood. I'd say that it's like an interactive movie, but that makes you think of games like God of War which, great though it is, features a ton of cut scenes that require you to press a certain button at a certain time or else the main character dies. I'd be lying if I said Heavy Rain was completely unlike this, but it is so much more that that at the same time. It's an adventure that has you jumping from character to character and experiencing a phenomenal story even as you yourself are shaping the narrative. Seriously, if you have a PS3, download the demo, it'll do a better job than me of showing you how much the game rules. I could write an entire article on the graphics of this game alone. I'll try and keep it brief. I guarantee that you have never before played a game that looks this gorgeous. (Unless you're reading this article sometime in the future, if that's the case, fuck you for having flying cars, asshole) Every aspect of the game looks great, but what really stands out are the character models. The people look more lifelike than real people. After playing this game for awhile you'll start thinking all your friends look kind of low-res and shitty by comparison. (No offense intended to my shitty looking low-res friends) Basically, if you can play this game, do it.
6. Dementium: the Ward (DS)
This is the only handheld game to make this list, and for good reason. It's pretty difficult to make something scary when you're staring at a little 3 or 4 inch screen and listening to the sound through, at best, a decent pair of headphones. Dementium takes the form of a first person shooter, a genre that can work surprisingly well on the DS what with the touch screen controls and all. Graphically, it looks really good for the DS, so somewhere between N64 and PS2 graphics. The game takes you through a psychologically scarring story while you fight monsters in a sanitarium. If this game were made for a home console, I doubt it would've made my list. But, being able to take your horror on the go gives it a little extra edge. The sequel is out now, and by all accounts is just as good, or better, than the original. I haven't played it yet though, so I can't give it my personal seal of approval yet. The first one is pretty cheap, and well worth the money. Pick it up, or the sequel, and put a little horror in your pocket.
5. Ghostbusters: the Game (PS3/Xbox 360/PC)
So many people seem to feel that Ghostbusters doesn't count as a horror movie. But those people are assholes. It's about fighting ghosts, how is that not horror? So what if it's a little bit more of a comedy, so is Shaun of the Dead, and people still call that horror. Anyway, I put Ghostbusters firmly in the horror genre, and as such this game is more than qualified to be on the list. Ghostbusters: the Game, is everything that Ghostbusters 3 should be. It's even set in the 90's, as the magic of video games allows the main characters to look exactly like they did back in the day. Part of what makes this game so amazing is that they fully enlisted the talents of all four Ghostbusters. Not only do they resume their roles for the voice acting and facial likenesses, but Dan Aykroid and Harold Ramis even punched up the script, ensuring that it was up to the classic Ghostbusters quality. The game is full of laugh out loud one-liners, a plot that is way better than Ghostbusters 2 (maybe not the most difficult accomplishment ever), and more importantly, it lets you step into the shoes of a Ghostbuster. This is exactly the game you've wanted since you were a kid. If you spent even half as much time as I did running around with a plastic proton pack "busting ghosts" as a kid, this will be pure wish fulfillment for you. I'm guessing you've already played this if you even have a passing interest in the Ghostbusters. If you didn't, what the fuck is your problem? Go buy it now. I'll wait. Oh yeah, the graphics and sound are great too, sound effects and music are straight from the movies, but that's just the icing on the cake really.
4. Resident Evil 4 (Gamecube/PS2/Wii)
Ok, so I've finally gotten to the Resident Evil franchise. You had to know this was coming. The first RE practically invented the genre of survival horror. Yeah yeah, I know there was alone in the dark and a few others first, but RE is the one that tossed the genre into the mainstream. So, everyone has a different opinion of which game in the series is the best, and for me it's part 4. Part 2, or the remake of the first for the gamecube are probably the best of the "classic" style Resident Evil, you'll get no argument from me there. I choose 4 because it was the most fun to play. The graphics are gorgeous and the sound is great, but the improved control scheme is really where this game shines. Leon still controls like a "tank" more or less, but shifting the camera to his back and allowing him to aim in three dimensions makes a whole world of difference. Counter-intuitively, getting rid of the zombies actually makes this game better. Don't get me wrong, I fucking love the shit out of zombies. The enemies in this game are a bit more like "the thing" though, and that makes them so much more dangerous. The first time you have to actually out think your opponents you'll really appreciate the difference between shooting mindless zombies and actually having to coordinate against a thinking opponent. This also just adds more to the frightening atmosphere, lending tons of "wow" moments and a fair share of adrenaline charged fights. This is another game that everyone in the world played, seemingly. But if you managed to miss it, you really are missing out. Even if you played part 5 (which is a great game as well, but I feel it's a little bit inferior to 4), you should really look into this one. Get the Wii version if you can, it offers the best control scheme for your money.
3. Dead Space (PS3/Xbox 360)
This is just hands down a brilliant game. Ok, control wise it's pretty much a rip off of Resident Evil 4, but why fix what ain't broke, right? What Dead Space does that really pushed it up this high on the list for me is the story and the setting. It's kind of a mix between Even Horizon and The Thing, which just so happen to be two of my favorite sci-fi horror flix, and it works fantastically in video game form. You play as a silent protagonist tasked with finding out what happened to a massive spaceship. As you explore the empty corridors of the ship you slowly piece together just what happened. At the same time you'll be solving some puzzles, and trying your best not to get torn to pieces by the creatures that have taken over the crew's bodies and are out for blood. One of the more clever aspects of this game is it's approach to taking out these enemies. The head shots that you've all trained yourself to dish out don't do all that much damage to these creatures. The quickest way to victory here is to amputate their limbs. It takes a bit to get used to, and adds a nice twist to the gameplay. the graphics and sound are phenomenal as well, and really add to the atmosFEAR (See what I did there?). Definitely pick this one up, it's only 20 bucks or so, and the sequel is in the works right now. It's a perfect time to get up to speed before that comes out.
2. Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem (Gamecube)
This one is a bit of a forgotten gem. It was one of the first games to come out for the Gamecube, and frankly, I still haven't given up hope that we'll get a sequel someday. When you first start playing the game, you'll probably think that it's nothing more that an attempt to cash in on the Resident Evil success. Give it some time though, and you'll begin to see just what set this game apart. The story stretches through time, taking you between multiple characters like a modern woman and a roman soldier. I don't want to say too much about the plot, but it draws heavy influence from H.P. Lovecraft, and that's something of a rarity in the video game world. The game gives you a variety of weapons to fight with, as well as magic spells to cast. There are even three different "alignments" of magic you can choose from, adding a little bit of customization to the gameplay. All of this is great, but what really sets this game apart and bumps it all the way up to number 2 is the sanity system. As your character gets attacked and menaced by the enemies, your mental health can be broken, driving you insane. The effects of being driven "insane" vary, it tends to start slowly, the camera angle becomes skewed, you hear people screaming or footsteps with no visible source. It progresses to hordes of enemies appearing but aren't really there, you may find yourself walking on the ceiling or notice that the walls are dripping blood. Where it really gets clever though, is when it starts fucking with you, and not your character. The game might suddenly go black, or switch to a screen full of static, while displaying a channel number in the corner, causing you to believe that you accidentally changed the channel in the middle of the game. These days you might not get taken in, newer TVs have such different displays and such. But take it from me, the first time it happened back in the day I was diving for the remote control and swearing a blue streak, thinking I had changed the channel in the middle of a fight. It was the first time a video game had ever fucked with my head, and I loved the shit out of it. I haven't played this in years, so maybe it doesn't stand up to the test of time, but it'd be cheap to find out. Give it a play.
1. Silent Hill 2 (PS2/Xbox)
Alright, so Eternal Darkness was the first game to fuck with my head. Silent Hill 2 was the first game to actually scare the shit out of me. Keep in mind that I watch horror movies the way most people eat dinner. That is to say, frequently, and in a very calm manner. The last time a movie even kind of freaked me out was the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre (somehow the old Atari game based on the movie didn't have the same effect, crazy) when I was a kid. That was just a feeling of unease though, Silent Hill 2 full on scared me, and I wasn't even kind of prepared for it. Sure, it probably won't have the same effect on people nowadays, what with the out of date graphics and the lack of surround sound. But I still have vivid memories of the first time I played it, alone, with the lights out. Jesus, I just about had a heart attack when I stepped outside for a smoke to calm myself down and found that a sinister looking fog had rolled in, not cool nature, I still haven't forgiven you for that one. That's one of the things about Silent Hill, you can never see all that far, whether its from the fog when you're outside, or the oppressive darkness when you're indoors. In the first Silent Hill, the fog was there because the PS1 couldn't handle rendering the, at the time, impressive graphics for much further than a subjective 10 or 15 feet from the character. In the sequel for the PS2, they did it intentionally. This time around the fog seemed to be alive, it became a character in the game almost. So, scary fog, why is this game number 1? Because it tells a beautiful and fractured story that almost doesn't makes sense. I've played through the game multiple times, and it took that to really make sense of everything. It's like watching a David Lynch movie, you don't always know what is going on, but you can't stop watching, and you love it. Even if you can't necessarily explain why you do. Silent Hill 2 is almost a portrait of a man's descent into madness, and I absolutely cannot recommend it enough. All the Silent Hill games have been great, but they haven't yet beat this phenomenal sophomore effort. What makes Silent Hill stand out from the survival horror pack for me is its focus on brains over brawn. Sure, you fight monsters (fucked up ones at that, like something out of an S&M nightmare) but you also solve puzzles. However, these aren't your Resident Evil style "I've got a hexagonal shaped crest, and this locked door seems to have a hexagonal hole in it, what do I do!!?!?!" type of puzzles. These ones are often presented as riddles, and make you have to exercise your brain a bit. Something that rarely happens in video games, and I love them for it. I could keep talking about this game all day long, but I'm sure you don't give a shit what I have to say. Just play the fucking game, and thank me later.
Gabe Nye the Science Guy
Hey, Gabe Nye the Science Guy here, bringing you my highly scientific list of horror games. Before I get to the list though, I want to clarify how I'll be choosing these games. I'm not necessarily saying that number one is the best game from a technical standpoint, nor the most fun to play. In my mind the goal of a good horror game is to be both fun and scary, or reminiscent of great horror film-making. Telling a good story is also very important, something that few video games get right as I see it. I'm also going to try and limit myself to only one game per franchise. I'll try to remember to touch on the other noteworthy entries in the franchise in my summaries, but frankly I don't want the list to be nothing but silent hill and resident evil. I'm sure you understand. I'm just going to pick what I feel is the best of each series, and I can tell you right now that it probably won't be the first games. Unlike movies, games tend to get steadily better with each new entry. Tons of credit is certainly due to the originators though, and I'll definitely be explaining why each franchise is important as a whole. Plus, and I think it may go without saying, but as technology improves and graphics/sound get more and more lifelike, games have the potential to be increasingly disturbing and visceral. Anyway, you clearly aren't here to read about why I have/haven't rated certain games, so here's the list (finally).
10. Splatterhouse (TurboGrafx-16, PC)
Splatterhouse is really the first game that I can remember really living up to the horror genre. We had gotten a few weak movie related "horror" games (I'm looking at you Friday the 13th for the NES), but they neither lived up to the movies they were based on, or captured the fun and atmosphere of good horror. Splatterhouse changed that, it's not based on any movie, but I think it's pretty clear who inspired the main character's look. Hmmm, blue coveralls, creepy white mask, who could that be? The gameplay was pretty basic, walk from left to right, punch things to death, pick up the occasional weapon to beat things to death a little faster. There were some pretty cool boss encounters, such as the poltergeist where you dodge pieces of furniture being tossed at you. There was even a pretty decent story, for the time, you were out to rescue your girlfriend, with the help of a mystical mask that makes you super fucking bad-ass. The game wasn't easy, but that's how we rolled back in the day. You can download this one for your Wii via the virtual console store and relive the glory days of gory games. I highly recommend it. There were two sequels to this for the genesis, and both are well worth checking out. The graphics got better, and some new gameplay was added, but the first is really the one that I have the most fond memories of. 9. Doom 3 (PC/Xbox)
The first Doom was a revolutionary game for a lot of reasons, and it almost made the list just because of that. However, this is a list about horror, and while the first Doom was definitely creepy for its time, Doom 3 really brought home the scares. The plot is pretty basic, portals to hell being opened, demons on mars, blah blah. Not really important. Part of what made this game so creepy was the insane graphics. This was, hands down, the prettiest game ever made when it came out. If you were lucky, your computer could almost run it decently. If you got the chance to see it in action on a souped up machine back when it came out, I guarantee your eyes exploded out of your skull in an orgasm of graphical awesome. Or maybe you just went "neat, that looks pretty slick". I guess it depends on how much you care about video game graphics. Looking pretty aside, the game was constantly fucking with you, bloody footprints appearing on the floor in front of you, creepy ghost shit, you name it. There's a particularly memorable bit when you look into a bathroom mirror and catch a glimpse of hell. The sound design really added a lot to the atmosphere as well, you were constantly hearing things that weren't there, if you were lucky. The gameplay was every bit as good as the visuals too. It was a fast paced, action-packed game where death was always right around the doorstep. All the action really emphasized the scares whenever you had downtime. You knew it couldn't last long. The one downside of the game was a kind of cheesy flashlight system. Basically, you could either have your flashlight on, or have your gun out, but never both at the same time. We have the technology to open portals to hell on mars, but we can't attach a flashlight to a shotgun? What the fuck is that all about? Still, while this gameplay mechanic may be a little unbelievable, it really kept you on your toes. Whenever you walked into a pitch black room, you knew you'd have to whip out the light, but that left you defenseless. Creepy shit. If you missed out on this one, you should do yourselves a favor and track it down. Any decent computer these days should be able to run it. Or you can check out the Xbox version, it doesn't look quite as nice, but it's every bit as good.8. Zombies ate my Neighbors (SNES/Genesis)
Ok, so this one definitely isn't scary at all, far from it. In fact, it's pretty fucking goofy, but in the best way. Think of this as the gremlins of the videogame world. (Yeah, I'm pretty sure there actually was at least one gremlins game for the NES, but I'm also pretty sure it was a big pile of shit.) By that I mean, it doesn't take itself seriously at all, and it's a hell of a lot of fun. It had a great graphical style, heavily influenced by the "B" horror movies of the 50's and 60's. So don't expect a bloodbath here. Gameplay was pretty basic, it's a top down run n' gun shooter. The little twist here is that you have to rescue your neighbors from the monsters. It's not exactly the most cerebral game in the world, but it's fun as shit and addictive as hell. This one is also available on the Virtual Console for the Wii, and you'd be doing yourself a favor by checking out a true cult classic of a game. For the more intrepid, a sequel was made called Ghoul Patrol. I can't really tell you too much about that one, because I haven't played it in over a decade. I do remember liking it though, I believe it was more of the same with a few improvements. That one you'll have to track down on eBay, or the more unscrupulous amongst you might download a ROM for their emulators (criminals). 7. Heavy Rain (PS3)
Ok, so this may actually be the best game on this list as far as I'm concerned. So, why isn't it number 1, you ask? I'll tell you. This is a horror game in the same way that Silence of the Lambs and Seven are horror movies. Which is to say, barely. It's really more of a psychological thriller at heart. Having said that, it's still scary as hell at times, and probably the most emotionally involving game I've ever played. I'm not sure I'm qualified to describe how the game actually plays. It almost has to be played to be understood. I'd say that it's like an interactive movie, but that makes you think of games like God of War which, great though it is, features a ton of cut scenes that require you to press a certain button at a certain time or else the main character dies. I'd be lying if I said Heavy Rain was completely unlike this, but it is so much more that that at the same time. It's an adventure that has you jumping from character to character and experiencing a phenomenal story even as you yourself are shaping the narrative. Seriously, if you have a PS3, download the demo, it'll do a better job than me of showing you how much the game rules. I could write an entire article on the graphics of this game alone. I'll try and keep it brief. I guarantee that you have never before played a game that looks this gorgeous. (Unless you're reading this article sometime in the future, if that's the case, fuck you for having flying cars, asshole) Every aspect of the game looks great, but what really stands out are the character models. The people look more lifelike than real people. After playing this game for awhile you'll start thinking all your friends look kind of low-res and shitty by comparison. (No offense intended to my shitty looking low-res friends) Basically, if you can play this game, do it. 6. Dementium: the Ward (DS)
This is the only handheld game to make this list, and for good reason. It's pretty difficult to make something scary when you're staring at a little 3 or 4 inch screen and listening to the sound through, at best, a decent pair of headphones. Dementium takes the form of a first person shooter, a genre that can work surprisingly well on the DS what with the touch screen controls and all. Graphically, it looks really good for the DS, so somewhere between N64 and PS2 graphics. The game takes you through a psychologically scarring story while you fight monsters in a sanitarium. If this game were made for a home console, I doubt it would've made my list. But, being able to take your horror on the go gives it a little extra edge. The sequel is out now, and by all accounts is just as good, or better, than the original. I haven't played it yet though, so I can't give it my personal seal of approval yet. The first one is pretty cheap, and well worth the money. Pick it up, or the sequel, and put a little horror in your pocket. 5. Ghostbusters: the Game (PS3/Xbox 360/PC)
So many people seem to feel that Ghostbusters doesn't count as a horror movie. But those people are assholes. It's about fighting ghosts, how is that not horror? So what if it's a little bit more of a comedy, so is Shaun of the Dead, and people still call that horror. Anyway, I put Ghostbusters firmly in the horror genre, and as such this game is more than qualified to be on the list. Ghostbusters: the Game, is everything that Ghostbusters 3 should be. It's even set in the 90's, as the magic of video games allows the main characters to look exactly like they did back in the day. Part of what makes this game so amazing is that they fully enlisted the talents of all four Ghostbusters. Not only do they resume their roles for the voice acting and facial likenesses, but Dan Aykroid and Harold Ramis even punched up the script, ensuring that it was up to the classic Ghostbusters quality. The game is full of laugh out loud one-liners, a plot that is way better than Ghostbusters 2 (maybe not the most difficult accomplishment ever), and more importantly, it lets you step into the shoes of a Ghostbuster. This is exactly the game you've wanted since you were a kid. If you spent even half as much time as I did running around with a plastic proton pack "busting ghosts" as a kid, this will be pure wish fulfillment for you. I'm guessing you've already played this if you even have a passing interest in the Ghostbusters. If you didn't, what the fuck is your problem? Go buy it now. I'll wait. Oh yeah, the graphics and sound are great too, sound effects and music are straight from the movies, but that's just the icing on the cake really.4. Resident Evil 4 (Gamecube/PS2/Wii)
Ok, so I've finally gotten to the Resident Evil franchise. You had to know this was coming. The first RE practically invented the genre of survival horror. Yeah yeah, I know there was alone in the dark and a few others first, but RE is the one that tossed the genre into the mainstream. So, everyone has a different opinion of which game in the series is the best, and for me it's part 4. Part 2, or the remake of the first for the gamecube are probably the best of the "classic" style Resident Evil, you'll get no argument from me there. I choose 4 because it was the most fun to play. The graphics are gorgeous and the sound is great, but the improved control scheme is really where this game shines. Leon still controls like a "tank" more or less, but shifting the camera to his back and allowing him to aim in three dimensions makes a whole world of difference. Counter-intuitively, getting rid of the zombies actually makes this game better. Don't get me wrong, I fucking love the shit out of zombies. The enemies in this game are a bit more like "the thing" though, and that makes them so much more dangerous. The first time you have to actually out think your opponents you'll really appreciate the difference between shooting mindless zombies and actually having to coordinate against a thinking opponent. This also just adds more to the frightening atmosphere, lending tons of "wow" moments and a fair share of adrenaline charged fights. This is another game that everyone in the world played, seemingly. But if you managed to miss it, you really are missing out. Even if you played part 5 (which is a great game as well, but I feel it's a little bit inferior to 4), you should really look into this one. Get the Wii version if you can, it offers the best control scheme for your money. 3. Dead Space (PS3/Xbox 360)
This is just hands down a brilliant game. Ok, control wise it's pretty much a rip off of Resident Evil 4, but why fix what ain't broke, right? What Dead Space does that really pushed it up this high on the list for me is the story and the setting. It's kind of a mix between Even Horizon and The Thing, which just so happen to be two of my favorite sci-fi horror flix, and it works fantastically in video game form. You play as a silent protagonist tasked with finding out what happened to a massive spaceship. As you explore the empty corridors of the ship you slowly piece together just what happened. At the same time you'll be solving some puzzles, and trying your best not to get torn to pieces by the creatures that have taken over the crew's bodies and are out for blood. One of the more clever aspects of this game is it's approach to taking out these enemies. The head shots that you've all trained yourself to dish out don't do all that much damage to these creatures. The quickest way to victory here is to amputate their limbs. It takes a bit to get used to, and adds a nice twist to the gameplay. the graphics and sound are phenomenal as well, and really add to the atmosFEAR (See what I did there?). Definitely pick this one up, it's only 20 bucks or so, and the sequel is in the works right now. It's a perfect time to get up to speed before that comes out.2. Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem (Gamecube)
This one is a bit of a forgotten gem. It was one of the first games to come out for the Gamecube, and frankly, I still haven't given up hope that we'll get a sequel someday. When you first start playing the game, you'll probably think that it's nothing more that an attempt to cash in on the Resident Evil success. Give it some time though, and you'll begin to see just what set this game apart. The story stretches through time, taking you between multiple characters like a modern woman and a roman soldier. I don't want to say too much about the plot, but it draws heavy influence from H.P. Lovecraft, and that's something of a rarity in the video game world. The game gives you a variety of weapons to fight with, as well as magic spells to cast. There are even three different "alignments" of magic you can choose from, adding a little bit of customization to the gameplay. All of this is great, but what really sets this game apart and bumps it all the way up to number 2 is the sanity system. As your character gets attacked and menaced by the enemies, your mental health can be broken, driving you insane. The effects of being driven "insane" vary, it tends to start slowly, the camera angle becomes skewed, you hear people screaming or footsteps with no visible source. It progresses to hordes of enemies appearing but aren't really there, you may find yourself walking on the ceiling or notice that the walls are dripping blood. Where it really gets clever though, is when it starts fucking with you, and not your character. The game might suddenly go black, or switch to a screen full of static, while displaying a channel number in the corner, causing you to believe that you accidentally changed the channel in the middle of the game. These days you might not get taken in, newer TVs have such different displays and such. But take it from me, the first time it happened back in the day I was diving for the remote control and swearing a blue streak, thinking I had changed the channel in the middle of a fight. It was the first time a video game had ever fucked with my head, and I loved the shit out of it. I haven't played this in years, so maybe it doesn't stand up to the test of time, but it'd be cheap to find out. Give it a play.1. Silent Hill 2 (PS2/Xbox)
Alright, so Eternal Darkness was the first game to fuck with my head. Silent Hill 2 was the first game to actually scare the shit out of me. Keep in mind that I watch horror movies the way most people eat dinner. That is to say, frequently, and in a very calm manner. The last time a movie even kind of freaked me out was the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre (somehow the old Atari game based on the movie didn't have the same effect, crazy) when I was a kid. That was just a feeling of unease though, Silent Hill 2 full on scared me, and I wasn't even kind of prepared for it. Sure, it probably won't have the same effect on people nowadays, what with the out of date graphics and the lack of surround sound. But I still have vivid memories of the first time I played it, alone, with the lights out. Jesus, I just about had a heart attack when I stepped outside for a smoke to calm myself down and found that a sinister looking fog had rolled in, not cool nature, I still haven't forgiven you for that one. That's one of the things about Silent Hill, you can never see all that far, whether its from the fog when you're outside, or the oppressive darkness when you're indoors. In the first Silent Hill, the fog was there because the PS1 couldn't handle rendering the, at the time, impressive graphics for much further than a subjective 10 or 15 feet from the character. In the sequel for the PS2, they did it intentionally. This time around the fog seemed to be alive, it became a character in the game almost. So, scary fog, why is this game number 1? Because it tells a beautiful and fractured story that almost doesn't makes sense. I've played through the game multiple times, and it took that to really make sense of everything. It's like watching a David Lynch movie, you don't always know what is going on, but you can't stop watching, and you love it. Even if you can't necessarily explain why you do. Silent Hill 2 is almost a portrait of a man's descent into madness, and I absolutely cannot recommend it enough. All the Silent Hill games have been great, but they haven't yet beat this phenomenal sophomore effort. What makes Silent Hill stand out from the survival horror pack for me is its focus on brains over brawn. Sure, you fight monsters (fucked up ones at that, like something out of an S&M nightmare) but you also solve puzzles. However, these aren't your Resident Evil style "I've got a hexagonal shaped crest, and this locked door seems to have a hexagonal hole in it, what do I do!!?!?!" type of puzzles. These ones are often presented as riddles, and make you have to exercise your brain a bit. Something that rarely happens in video games, and I love them for it. I could keep talking about this game all day long, but I'm sure you don't give a shit what I have to say. Just play the fucking game, and thank me later. Gabe Nye the Science Guy
Top ten horror action figures
We Have another Top 10 list compiled by Jacob Von Klingele from Toys Can't Hurt You, enjoy the read then plan on taking a trip around town checking all the Toys r Us and Targets You can find. NERDS UNITE!!!!
Welcome to another top ten list. I’m a sucker for lists, can you tell? This time I’m giving you the 10 best action figures based in all things horror. I say this because I didn’t want to limit it to just movies. There are some great original properties out there that I didn’t want left out. I also limited this to just action figures. There are a lot of great statues, busts, and other high end collectibles, but those are for another list. All right enough yakking and on to the good stuff.
Welcome to another top ten list. I’m a sucker for lists, can you tell? This time I’m giving you the 10 best action figures based in all things horror. I say this because I didn’t want to limit it to just movies. There are some great original properties out there that I didn’t want left out. I also limited this to just action figures. There are a lot of great statues, busts, and other high end collectibles, but those are for another list. All right enough yakking and on to the good stuff.
10. Norman Bates: Movie Maniacs series 2 by McFarlane Toys
He’s on here for a couple reasons. McFarlane’s Movie Maniacs started the modern wave of horror collectibles all the way back in 1998. The first wave had all the horror icons you’d expect. Then comes the second wave and out of nowhere there’s Norman Bates. It had everyone looking for the next classic movie that would get a figure and really gave way to a lot of the figures on this list. Plus there really aren’t enough cross dressing action figures out there. You might be wondering if he’s so damn important why is he only number 10. Honestly the figure just can’t hold up quality wise with the newer figures. The sculpt and paint are second to none for the time, but just not up to snuff with modern figures.
9. Pinhead: Cult Classics Hall of Fame by Neca
There have been multiple Pinhead figures over the years all of which have been great, but this one takes the cake. It was a toss up between this one and the Hellraiser 3 Pinhead, you’ve got to love an action figure that sits on your shelf mocking Jesus all day. The Hellraiser series of figures are what really put Neca on the map as a legitimate company for horror figures. They pay perfect tribute to that with this figure. The body and “pin” head are the same as the original release. Amazing detail in the sculpt and great paintwork. What sets this one apart is the extras. He comes with a base complete with chains and the pillar from the first movie in all it’s gory detail. The best part an alternate pre-cenobite head sporting a dead on likeness of Doug Bradley.
8. Bub: Day of the Dead by Amok Time
Amok Time is a fairly new company to the horror collectible scene are they should be around for awhile if all of their stuff is this good. Bub was a highly requested figure by fans for years so that alone should put him on this list, but there’s more. He sports a great likeness and solid paintwork. The real treat with him is the accessories. He has a display base complete with real chain and a slew of movie accurate extras like a walkman and a bucket of guts for lunch.
7. The Thing boxed set: Now Playing by SOTA
Really anything that has to do with the Thing should be on here, but this is the only one the has a figure of Kurt Russel. That is reason enough all by itslef. This boxed set recreates the scene where MacReady finds “the Thing” in the dog Kennel. There are far too few boxed sets that give us this kind of specific scene which is really too bad. This piece looks great sitting on the shelf. It’s a shame SOTA isn’t still making figures.
6. Flyboy: Cult Classics series 3 by Neca
Flyboy marks the first licensed Dawn of the Dead figure. This was a movie fans had wanted figures from for a long time and Neca delivers in spades. The figure sports a “killer” likeness(see what I did there?), an awesome paint job accurately reflecting the make up from the movie, a pose that stepped right out of the movie, and a beautifully gory base. There are more zombies Neca has released from Dawn of the Dead since this one, but he’s been the best.
5. Freddy Krueger: Cinema of Fear stylized roto-cast by Mezco
Mezco is the current company holding the license for the big three and they have done some great stuff to keep them fresh. The best are these stylized figures. They take their cues from the urban vinyl movement of toys. Urban Vinyl or designer toys are highly stylized and artistic. Mezco has one of these for Jason, Leatherface, and Freddy, but Freddy takes the cake. He sports a great cloth sweater and a face sculpt that lets you know how badly he wants to kill some orphans.
4. Talisac: Clive Barker’s Tortured Souls series 1 by McFarlane
This is one of those original properties I mentioned before. Theses figures were accompanied by a story written by Clive Barker and designs based on his ideas. This figure is a work of art. It is by far one of the goriest figures ever released in the mass market (I bought mine at Toys r Us). This figure is a perfect example of why McFarlane toys redefined modern action figures. The amount of detail packed into this figure is mind blowing. The paint is flawless. I could go on all day, but just look at this thing (it’s ok if it gives you a little bit of boner, I can’t judge).
3. Hannibal Lector-holding cell: Cult Classics Presents by Neca
Hannibal Lector has been on the top of everyone’s list of figures since the first wave of Movie Maniacs came out. Anthony Hopkins wouldn’t give his likeness to a toy because he didn’t think it was appropriate. Skip ahead a few years and the adult action figure market had grown to the point where he was convinced otherwise. Neca released another figure prior to this one that is an amazing figure, but it doesn’t even come close to this one. Not only is it a beautiful figure from Neca at the height of their game, but it depicts one of the best scenes ever filmed for a movie. The likeness is dead one Anthony Hopkins, you’re almost worried to lean to close or he might eat out your tongue.
2. Jason Vorhees 18 in.: Cult Classics by Neca
This figure is beautiful. He’s gigantic, he makes the classic “ki ki ma ma” sound, he comes with several different weapons, and represents the best Jason design in my opinion. The larger scale of the figure really lets you appreciate the sculpt work that went into this work of art and the paint only backs it up. His mask is removable to show off his beautifully undead face. There have been roughly 5 kabillion Jason figures at this point and some of them are as good as this figure, but his sheer size puts him at the top of the pile. Jason is a hulking mass of raver killing badass and this figure perfectly captures that.
1. Alien 18in: Cult Classics by Neca
This figure is not only my choice for the best horror figure ever, but he’s up there for all figures in general. There is nothing not to love about this figure. It perfectly captures Geiger beautiful design. His Alien is one of the best monster designs of all time and that’s captured here. You can’t fully appreciate this figure until it’s sitting in front of you. The paint work in so subtle, but it should be. He looks like a slimy, creepy, scary as shit killer. The head is the real highlight of this figure. From the extendable second set of jaws with soft plastic tendons to the clear dome showing off the exposed skull underneath. I should mention that Hot Toys has an incredible 12 in. Alien. I had a tough time deciding which one to feature because it’s a toss up between the two. I finally came to my decision based on the fact that I own the Neca one and my brother owns the Hot Toys one. There’s no way I could let him have the number one figure on my list.
Well that’s it. This one was a little more serious and more long winded than my last one. Toys are the one thing I can ramble about all day so it’s your fault for getting me started. There were a lot of great figures that didn’t make it on this list, but I tried to keep it diverse. Hell I could do a list of just Jason figures at this point. I hope you liked it and let me know if you didn’t, and remember these are adult collectibles not toys(it’ll help you feel better about yourself when you go to buy them).
-Jacob Von Klingele
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Splice- Vincenzo Natali
So I want to review Splice, I'm gonna be honest. That's about as difficult as getting a Dendrophiliac to take his dick out of the Redwood in your front yard. Ill sum it up as much as I can without giving away to much. The Pianist and the chick from go create some Turd looking monsters that slug about, they are stoked. The crazy boss lady says lets do some bullshit instead of making a super freak, they are like fuck that we will do it anyways. They figure out that bad music is holding them down so they switch it up and come up with a workable sack of slime. They argue and joke bout not letting it come to term but they do it anyways. The Pianists brother who looks like Dawn Wiener is suspicious. Baby Mc Slime sack stings the shit out of mommy as if she was one of the extras on Tailsting. It's alive, and it looks like Corky's dick and Kangaroo Jack mated. Blah Blah Blah It learns things and goes crazy. Why am I even bothering to describe this, I cant go much further without ruining it. This movie is crazy, Its entertaining, its interesting, its kinda confusing and it will make you stand up and scream at the top of your lungs what the fuck just happened? Is this a masterpeice? I doubt it, but it is something different and interesting in a time of rehash of rehash.
3.5/5
Tromeric
Monday, June 7, 2010
The Wynorski Theorem- Jacob Von Klingele
This is a list of the top ten horror movies proving the Wynorski Theorem. What is the Wynorski Theorem you may ask. It is the ability exhibited by a special breed of movie to both simultaneously suck and rock. The idea is that the movie sucks so hard it creates a paradox wherein it begins to come full circle and become a true masterpiece of shitty filmmaking that has no outcome other than to rock your world hard. So enjoy my list of shitty movies.
10. Flight of the Living Dead
All you need to know about this movie is that contains the line, “Dude, bitch got shot brah!” and zombies killing bitches on a plane.
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9. Jason X
This is by far the most mainstream movie on here, but it’s here for a reason. This movie sucks, it’s the perfect example of quitting while you’re ahead. While this movie does suck, it also rules very hard. It does everything you could want a Friday the 13th movie to do. Cheesy one liners(“He’s screwed”), awesome kills( liquid nitrogen FTW), and Kane Hodder just straight being awesome.
8. Monster Man
You may think the “monster” in Monster Man refers to a man who is a monster. This is only partially right and that is why this movie is on here. The “monster” also refers to the ridiculously awesome monster truck he tears ass around in. One word, awesome.
7. Frankenfish
There are about a dozen of this type of movie that could be on this list, so you may ask why I picked this one. This movie is just a hell of a lot of fun and that’s why. There’s boobs, blood, terrible CG, and fun. You’re never bored which is rare for this type of movie.
6. Class of Nuke ‘em High
Similar to Frankenfish there are ton of Troma movies that could make this list. I chose this one because it epitomizes 80’s crap. From the character designs to the special effects to the music everything in this movie sucks, but it sucks so good.
5. The Wraith
Charlie Sheen, Randy Quaid, Clint Howard, and Sherilyn Fenn’s boobs in the same movie, nuff’ said. Throw in a sweet ass car and a paper thin “plot” and this movie is pure awesome through and through. Did I mention Sherilyn Frnn’s boobs?
4. Santa’s Slay
On paper this movie sounds like a steaming turd. Then you see the opening scene and all is right in the world. You have Goldberg ,playing Santa, killing Fran Drescher, it’s perfection. You then find yourself thinking it can only go downhill from here and you would be wrong. This movie kicks ass from start to finish and never stops. It’s the only movie on the list that has become a Christmas tradition in my household along with Emit Otter’s Jug Band Christmas.
3. C.H.U.D. 2
There’s nothing stopping the original C.H.U.D. from making this list except for two things. Bud the C.H.U.D. and a totally necessary dance number. It is a sin against all that is right in this world that this movie doesn’t have a 4 disc special edition DVD.
2. Ghoulies 3
I hesitated putting this movie on the list because it is one of my favorite movies ever made. Then I realized that was all the more reason to put it on the list. This movie is cheesy, has ridiculous special effects, and is the most stereotypical movie you can make, but it works. Mixing the greatness of 80’s college movies with the Ghoulies was a stroke of genius that pays off in every way. Another movie that doesn’t have a decent DVD or Bu-ray release that proves that there is no god
1. Chopping Mall
This is called the Wynorski theorem for a reason. I could have filled the whole list with the genius that is Jim Wynorski, but this movie says it all. Cheesy generic plot, boobs, killer robots, and a mall it has everything. Quality bad acting from the lead actor, who would go on to the greatness of Deathstalker 2, and an awesome head explosion via laser beam and you have one of my favorite movies of all time. I could watch this movie every day and never get tired of how shitty it is.
Well that does it. I’m sure I missed some and I’m sure I included some that shouldn’t be there. So let me know and keep watching horrible movies because the next one could be pure gold. It's science.
-Jacob
10. Flight of the Living Dead
All you need to know about this movie is that contains the line, “Dude, bitch got shot brah!” and zombies killing bitches on a plane.
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9. Jason X
This is by far the most mainstream movie on here, but it’s here for a reason. This movie sucks, it’s the perfect example of quitting while you’re ahead. While this movie does suck, it also rules very hard. It does everything you could want a Friday the 13th movie to do. Cheesy one liners(“He’s screwed”), awesome kills( liquid nitrogen FTW), and Kane Hodder just straight being awesome.
8. Monster Man
You may think the “monster” in Monster Man refers to a man who is a monster. This is only partially right and that is why this movie is on here. The “monster” also refers to the ridiculously awesome monster truck he tears ass around in. One word, awesome.
7. Frankenfish
There are about a dozen of this type of movie that could be on this list, so you may ask why I picked this one. This movie is just a hell of a lot of fun and that’s why. There’s boobs, blood, terrible CG, and fun. You’re never bored which is rare for this type of movie.
6. Class of Nuke ‘em High
Similar to Frankenfish there are ton of Troma movies that could make this list. I chose this one because it epitomizes 80’s crap. From the character designs to the special effects to the music everything in this movie sucks, but it sucks so good.
5. The Wraith
Charlie Sheen, Randy Quaid, Clint Howard, and Sherilyn Fenn’s boobs in the same movie, nuff’ said. Throw in a sweet ass car and a paper thin “plot” and this movie is pure awesome through and through. Did I mention Sherilyn Frnn’s boobs?
4. Santa’s Slay
On paper this movie sounds like a steaming turd. Then you see the opening scene and all is right in the world. You have Goldberg ,playing Santa, killing Fran Drescher, it’s perfection. You then find yourself thinking it can only go downhill from here and you would be wrong. This movie kicks ass from start to finish and never stops. It’s the only movie on the list that has become a Christmas tradition in my household along with Emit Otter’s Jug Band Christmas.
3. C.H.U.D. 2
There’s nothing stopping the original C.H.U.D. from making this list except for two things. Bud the C.H.U.D. and a totally necessary dance number. It is a sin against all that is right in this world that this movie doesn’t have a 4 disc special edition DVD.
2. Ghoulies 3
I hesitated putting this movie on the list because it is one of my favorite movies ever made. Then I realized that was all the more reason to put it on the list. This movie is cheesy, has ridiculous special effects, and is the most stereotypical movie you can make, but it works. Mixing the greatness of 80’s college movies with the Ghoulies was a stroke of genius that pays off in every way. Another movie that doesn’t have a decent DVD or Bu-ray release that proves that there is no god
1. Chopping Mall
This is called the Wynorski theorem for a reason. I could have filled the whole list with the genius that is Jim Wynorski, but this movie says it all. Cheesy generic plot, boobs, killer robots, and a mall it has everything. Quality bad acting from the lead actor, who would go on to the greatness of Deathstalker 2, and an awesome head explosion via laser beam and you have one of my favorite movies of all time. I could watch this movie every day and never get tired of how shitty it is.
Well that does it. I’m sure I missed some and I’m sure I included some that shouldn’t be there. So let me know and keep watching horrible movies because the next one could be pure gold. It's science.
-Jacob
The Wolfman- Joe Johnston
This Wolfman doesn't have nards. In fact he doesn't even just have one nard after getting it crushed a wrestling match. Its like Teen wolf 2 with the effects of Altered Beast. This is about as Middle of the road as you get. Its like Stephen King just hanging out waiting to get pummeled. Granted Stephen King is kind of a bad ass as this wolf is a douche. Come on Benico you used to be a bad ass, now you waste your time in Altered Beast the motion picture. Not to say this is all bad, there are moments(very few) where its kinda sweet but seriously when Silver Bullet is a more engrossing film you got some fucking issues. This movie is like a somewhat attractive girl with secret cutting issues, yeah if your just drunk enough she may be attractive enough to fuck but you are gonna notice the scars the whole time.
1/5
Tromeric
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Set up a Facebook for the Grog. Check it. Link on bottom right hand corner. Will post updates there but will also use for discussions and lists and want to hear from you. Any topics or links or lists you want post away. Get the Fifth and types some shit.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Mega Piranha- Eric Forsberg
Have you ever seen a Piranha the size of a short bus jump in the air and catch a falling soldier as if it was a tennis ball? Well I have. Now that we have established that I am better then you lets get to the review. Some things you need to know, the Asylum is a bad-ass company they are kind of brilliant. They take 10 dollars or so and steal other movies that have cost way more and make them awesome. Sure I could watch Snakes on a Plane, but I could also watch Snakes on a Train. They get washed up celebrities to make appearances and I eat it up. Debbie Gibson was in Mega Shark and Tiffany graces us with her presence for the Gem. I think were alone now, nope their are some big mutha fucking piranhas that are gonna eat your balls. The cinematography looks similar to the Genesis version of Echo the Dolphin, and the helicopter scenes are straight out of the Air wolf game for the NES. How can you actually review this, you cant, luckily I'm not known for my abilities to "write" or "think" I'm here to get drunk and type a bunch of nonsense that I can disguise as a review. Its like a decoder ring. Do you know what the fuck I'm saying? I don't half the time. Ill translate. Mega Piranha is really really bad but also really really awesome at the same time. It's like the S & M of Creature Features.
3/5
Tromeric
Every other day is Halloween- C.W. Prather
Oh to be a kid again, I unfortunately didn't grow up in the DC area so as a kid I did not get to experience what seems like something that would of definitely been a huge part of my childhood if I had. I did grow up watching USA up all night and Joe Bob Briggs Monster vision as well as all the Elvira videos that came out. which I still have some of my fondest memory's this side of actually cumming after rubbing myself raw to the JC Penny's catalog. Even as a "adult" I have since visited and revisited many of these shows, thanks to the internet and underground bootlegs. This is a fun, well crafted, entertaining document of a time that many fans will never forget. Everyone involved obviously had and has so much love for what they did and are still doing to this day. The people that it affected still hold a fondness that one would not expect, Jeff Krulik and Steve Niles being among many of the people interviewed make you wanna go back to sitting in front of the TV eating Count Chockula and watching the horror films of your childhood, for me its Puppet Master, Bad Channels and pretty much anything Full Moon put out, but it could be anything. This is for anyone that appreciates that feeling you got and is not only Valid for people who Watched Count Gore De Vol specifically. I cant say enough good things about the count or this doc, order this, people like this keep horror alive and have been doing so for many years.
4/5
Tromeric
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Drive Thru- Brendan Cowles, Shane Kuhn
Nightmare on elm street Played roofie roulette with Commando, Good Burger, Killer Klowns from Outer space and Predator. Good Burger ended up with the cup of Flunitrazepam cocktail, while passed out NOES called up its Bro Happy Birthday to me and after stopping at the store for some Natty Ice ad a game cube he showed up at the house that dead built and after throwing a couple back went to give good burger a good ol fashion bro-rape, luckily for Good Burger Predator is an advocate against bro-rape and lasers HBTM. NOES now uses the power-glove to pause Predator, once paused NOES sets up HBTM in preparation of the munging. He pulls Killer Klown over sets in front of HBTM's exit wounds and does a peoples elbow and just covers killer klown in the most mung you can imagine, its a lot. Killer Klown is turned on and grabs commando and and gives him the reach around of a lifetime, he then gives himself a clown frown. I think that was the creative process behind this above average slasher fare.
3/5
Tromeric
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Night of the hell hamsters- Paul Campion
Wowbobwow. This movie is fucking high-larious, like me. These hamsters are pissed. You shoulda just fucked your boy toy, not summon a dark lord who will possess furry little critters that are hungry for balls and take acting lessons from ghoulies in college. This was one of the best 15 minutes of my life, talking animals, dick gore, flying animals, Ouija boards, tomfoolery and so much badassary I cant even explain it. Go get your ass online and watch this shit, holy fuck baby.
3.5/5
Tromeric
Martyrs- Pascal Lauger
I now have seen this film roughly seven times, the first time I watched a import that didn't have subtitles and even in that form I was blown away. I'm not suggesting this although this movie isn't very dialogue driven you still kind of need to know whats being said. Visually stunning and so fucked up it gives three guys one hammer a run for its money. This also defies definition, is it horror? Is it gore? Is it home invasion? Is it torture porn? Is it an existentialist masterpiece? Its like if Johnny Cash, Nausea, Those poor bastards, Sage Francis and Burzum teamed up for a We are the World singalong. Your head may explode if you imagine this and to be fair your head may explode from watching Martyrs. This is a rare example of film that will have people arguing for years to come.
4.5/5
Tromeric
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Black Roses- John Fasano
One of the few Heavy Metal Horror Films and certainly one of the best aside from Trick or Treat of course why may be the best Rocksploitation film ever made. Black Roses are sweet with the power of Robert Sweet and the Faces of the feebles they are out to fuck shit up. This is one of those movies you just put on and enjoy, the effects cost 10 dollars and they rule. The monsters may not feel threatening but you don't give a fuck the creature from things comes out of a record player and without even moving manages to kill a soprano. That's talent. Lizzy Borden supplies a couple of the films songs which is sweet, the score however is provided by Wesley Willis. Crazy titted bitch turns into Andre Agassi and cuts a bitch. Poetry Teacher loves Burt Reynolds and is real sneaky in his Marty Mcfly Vest. Don't analyze this shit, just watch it and be happy it exists. I know I am.
3.5/5
Tromeric
Fire in the Sky- Robert Lieberman
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Monday, May 10, 2010
A Nightmare on Elm Street(2010)- Samuel Bayer
So what was good about this remake you ask? ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING! I just got Raped, Raped like the kids Fred Kruger Raped even though they didn't have the balls to just say it, white elephant in the room. Freddy is not a good dude he raped some kids. Just fucking say it, I mean we don't need a Irreversible style child rape scene but for Christs sake we are suppose to think hes a bad guy right? Who doesn't think child rape is bad? The kind of people you wanna see get burnt alive. I thought if anything Jackie Earle Haley would be a bad ass, but no go on that, he looks and sounds like Corky if he had been on the plane with Travis Barker and that DJ. Bad CGI Gods rejoice the effects in this look like shit, Jesus Christ in the original they spent like six bucks on some latex to have Freddy come out of the wall and it scared the fuck out of me, in this they probably spent thousands and it looks about as good as the E.T. game for the Atari 2600. All of the characters in this are complete fucktards. The first kill of the movie has some douche bag stab himself to death after having a psychotic episode in the middle of a diner where he keeps repeating "your not real" then his dumb bitch of a girlfriend when referencing his Elliot Smithesque demise at the funeral says " right before he died he kept saying your not real, what does that mean? Really you are that fucking retardead? It's 2010 even if you cant pick up a copy of Websters get they fuck online and look up the definition of not real, God Damn it what could not real mean, I was counting the seconds to watch this stupid bitch die, unfortunately for me once it happened it was boring as shit cuz that's how all of the kills in this Godawful excuse of a movie are executed. Freddy does make it clear he would like to "play" with two of the girls he already molested, I don't buy it, that's way to old for him, it's like me being attracted to a woman in her 80's, and unless said woman is one of the Golden Girls, that's not gonna happen. I could go on all fucking day, I feel completely ripped off. I will leave you with two things I wish had happened.
1. I wish When I was dozing off due to complete Boredom Freddy would of came into my dreams and killed me in an amazing way like the old Freddy would of, like use the Power Glove or turn me into a Puppet and make me walk off of a roof.
2. I wish Freddy would of Raped the entire Platinum Dunes Crew in the ass as hard as they raped the Nightmare Franchise.
.5/5
Tromeric
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